Last Lunch

Liz Lemon · Criss:Opening scene: Liz Lemon wrangling kids named 'Janet' and 'Criss' — then telling her husband Criss 'shoes and socks' like a third child

Internet Commenter:Internet comment thread: 'Is that like a girl doctor? Go back to Saudi Arabia, Hitler!'

Internet Commenter:'Helmets inhibit brain development. You might as well give your darling child vaccines, which studies show cause homosexuality.'

Internet Commenter:'So what? My two-year-old is super gay, and we love him more than a straight child because he doesn't rape!'

Jack Donaghy:Jack reveals he moved Kabletown's customer service to 'a part of India that has no phones' — providing the same service at zero cost

Jack Donaghy:The Six Sigma 'wheel of domination' is replacing Kabletown's 'kitten in spaghetti' motivational poster

Board Member:'And then we'll be able to get even better trophy wives... Half-Asian ones!'

Liz Lemon · Jonathan:Liz reveals she caught Jonathan (Jack's assistant) in a wedding dress, dancing with one of Jack's suits late at night

Jonathan · Liz Lemon:Jonathan immediately says 'Mr. Donaghy will see you now' after Liz's wedding dress revelation

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:'Stay-at-home Lemon. To what do I owe the pleasure? Did you already run out of things to do today?'

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:'I ran this morning for 30 minutes.' 'Does that include dry heaving?' 'And wet.'

Liz Lemon:Criss has a degree in ethno-musicology from Wesleyan, so he's a receptionist in a dental office

Jack Donaghy:'Hogcock! Which is a combination of hogwash and poppycock.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's speech about being a god looking down from his office window, watching 'the swinish multitude,' the 'beard-havers and bicycle riders'

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:'And this makes you happy?' 'It should.'

Liz Lemon:Liz doing a Yoda impression — 'Mmm! Ohh! Dark times are these.'

NBC Executive · Nakamura-San:Japanese game show contestants could win money 'instead of penis punches'

Tracy Jordan:'And yet you still say stupid stuff to me all the time and suck at carrying boxes!'

Kenneth Parcell · Liz Lemon:Kenneth offers Liz 'chickpeas, moonshine, turtle meat' as refreshments

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth's list of TV no-no words includes 'woman, writer, New York' and he wants shows where 'a guy gets a drink thrown in his face and turns to his dog and says don't even say it'

Kenneth Parcell · Liz Lemon:Kenneth makes the face Liz just described while referencing quality TV, and Liz makes it too

Jenna Maroney:Jenna threatens to 'tell the other gays your real ages' to her makeup team

Jenna Maroney:'How dare you, you rotting pear? I will stop being an actress when the earth stops spinning on Kabbalah monster's fingernail.'

Jenna Maroney:'Good-bye forever, you factory reject dildos.'

Jack Donaghy · Inga:Jack to Inga: 'I'm afraid I'm gonna have to spank you again.'

Kenneth Parcell · Jack Donaghy:Kenneth: 'Where are all the baby pigeons?' in response to Jack saying he's been thinking about happiness

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth's pig analogy: 'If a pig says, can I communicate with you telepathically, do I have a soul? And you're like, no. Duh. Into the slaughtering chute.'

Jack Donaghy:The Six Sigma acronym: Analyze, Strategize, Succeed — 'A.S.S.' — 'I'm going to crush this problem with my ass.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy spells out his name for the receptionist: 'T as in the drink, R as in the pirate noise, A as in the Fonzie noise, C as in sea monster, Y as in why do we even make friends if they're gonna let you down when we need them most?'

Forum Poster:Mom forum: 'I put all my old work energy into parenting. My kids hate me, which gives me more parenting to do.'

Forum Poster:Forum reply: 'I did [switch places with stay-at-home moms], but I got fired... For stupidity.'

Liz Lemon:Forum poster: 'I'd switch places with any of you. And I have amazing cheekbones.'

Forum Poster:T.I. quote paraphrased as 'better get on yo job, tell 'em. Haters get on yo job, nougats' — 'at least I think he was saying nougats'

Forum Poster / Liz Lemon:The forum fight concludes with one poster planning to attack the other at 'hippo playground' — 'I'll be the one wearing a purple sweater and wrapping a baby swing around some skank's neck'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's 'ass attack' karate fight sequence where he defeats a much younger man and declares 'Now I am the sensei! The parking space closest to the door is mine.'

The Colonel:The Colonel as weather co-host advises viewers to 'get hit by a car' to get free hospital soup

Jack Donaghy · Nancy · Elisa:Jack's fantasy: 'Nancy, I know this is unconventional, but I think a group relationship could work.' / 'What you're proposing is a sin, Jack, but she is wicked hot.' / 'It would have to be a conjugal visit because I am in a Puerto Rican jail.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna on Law & Order: 'I'm glad to finally return to my two loves... Dramatic acting and sex crimes.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna complains she dies in the L&O episode and asks how she'll become a recurring character — then how she'll 'get away with horrible stuff, like this'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna filming L&O: found 'dead,' then says 'Oh, still alive.' Then: 'Ow! My foot hurts, but I'm okay. I think this injury has given me crime-solving powers. It's Law & Order: Mind Beauty.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna's farewell insult from the Law & Order set: 'Good-bye forever, you soup line at a gay homeless shelter.'

Criss · Liz Lemon:Criss at the park to fight: 'Liz, you don't want to be here right now, 'cause I got to go smack that woman in the face.' — it's Liz

Criss · Liz Lemon:'Oh, my god! Since when do you listen to T.I.?' / 'That message board is for moms. I thought you were a lady. You said you had amazing cheekbones.'

Criss:Criss explains he hates work: keeps getting up for coffee and is now 'all jittery and weird and... bird!'

Liz Lemon · Criss:'Or that one where your hands are spiders.' 'Hand spiders.'

Criss:'Oh, my god, if you were a dude, you would not even be thinking that [that you're a terrible mother for wanting to work].'

Liz Lemon:'I do like ignoring your questions while I try to watch TV.'

Criss:Criss suggests Liz pitch a show about 'a dentist's office where the sassy hygienist says things like I'm turning 30... Again.' 'I will miss Tyrell.'

Tracy Jordan · Dotcom:Tracy: 'I saw his schedule on his assistant's pornography box!' / Dotcom: 'You mean computer?'

Tracy Jordan:'What am I? My son's piano recital?' — Tracy comparing being avoided to being skipped

Dotcom · Tracy Jordan:'Put yourself in Kenneth's shoes.' / 'I can't! He's not here! Stop torturing me!'

Dotcom:'Unless you need us to hate the new Taylor Swift album. That girl has feelings.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's solution to his happiness problem: talking two Catholic beauties into a 'vanilla-caramel sex swirl' and porking 'in that prison basement'

Nancy:Jack's fantasy sex swirl with Nancy and Elisa: 'Oh, Jack, porking in that prison basement was wicked awesome.'

Democratic Congressman:Democratic congressman: 'If the Democratic party controlled Congress, I would see to it that he was punished in the worst way possible... By having to come down here and listen to us.'

Jack Donaghy:'God, I feel like I have a macropenis right now.'

Liz Lemon:'John Hardly. He loves his family but hates the rat race. He's hardly working.' — Liz pitching a show

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth mentions 'two Santas I saw kissing on the subway' while saying 'unusual clauses'

Liz Lemon · Kenneth Parcell:'Wow. You've really changed, Kenneth.' / 'I don't think so. You look nice today.' / 'Shut your chin slit.' / 'Yes, ma'am.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna at the LA airport, confronted by a wheelchair attendant — 'Shut it down.' — then announces she's returning to Broadway

Jenna Maroney:Jenna's LAX exit insult: 'I will return to my first love... Broadway! You eastern European knockoff Mr. Potato Heads.'

Tracy Jordan · Kenneth Parcell:Tracy releases Kenneth from his promise, explaining he's 'not talking about my gout' when referencing blowing up overnight

Tracy Jordan:Tracy confronts Kenneth: 'I'm Tracy Jordan. I don't answer phones.'

Kenneth Parcell · Tracy Jordan:Tracy gives Kenneth a tissue — Kenneth wonders 'Am I supposed to drop this on the floor?' — then immediately pivots to 'my car ran out of gas on the long island expressway'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy's follow-up after the emotional moment: 'And while we're naming things, my car ran out of gas on the Long Island Expressway.'

Liz Lemon:Liz to Jack: 'I'm looking for six figures, eight if you're counting cents, which I fell for once before... Not cool, The Gap.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'I got the job. I pissed off my enemies — Pelosi, Maddow, Baldwin. It should have been the greatest moment of my life.'

Liz Lemon:'You're just an alcoholic with a great voice.'

Liz Lemon:Jack: 'You're just an alcoholic with a great voice.'

Liz Lemon:'Eating night cheese and transitioning my pajamas into daywear.'

Liz Lemon:'So we ruined each other?'

Jack Donaghy:'I used to be a shark, and then you unsharkulated me.'

Jonathan:Jonathan enters Jack's office screaming 'There! You're no longer special to him! Get out! Get out of our lives! Yes!'

Kenneth Parcell · Liz Lemon:'TGS has done 149 shows. So we're gonna need you to go ahead and do one more.' — Kenneth's corporate pivot revealed as a callback

Al Roker (implied):The 'snowicane' weather forecast specifically targeting 'midtown Manhattan between Saks Fifth Avenue and the variety deli'

Liz Lemon · Kathy Geiss:Liz's description of holding Tracy down: 'like that machine Kathy Geiss invented that hugs old people.' Cut to: machine malfunctioning and hurting someone.

Liz Lemon:Jack's description of where he's been: 'I assume that's code for a billionaire's soul-searching trip to tan penis island.'

Al Roker (implied) · Tracy Jordan:The snowicane forecast also specifies: 'get in your purple Bentley and be home with your sharks before the tristate area gets slammed by snowicane white lady name like Dorva or something'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Al Roker is coerced via a convoluted hospital charity gala threat — 'his wife is on the board of a children's hospital, and they need a celebrity to host their annual gala, and I threatened to do it'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy: 'But I promised Barbra Streisand I'd never stab her again!'

Jenna Maroney · Jack Donaghy:Jenna sharing Jack's breakdown: 'Did Liz scream in your face? Did you pin her up against the wall? Were your shirts wet with rain?' — describing a romantic movie fight

Jenna Maroney · Conan O'Brien · Liz Lemon:Jenna: 'When Conan dumped her, she dropped him forever.' Cut to: Young Conan O'Brien trying to get Liz's attention. 'We were gonna lose our virginity to each other! Now I'll never lose it!'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna: 'I'm afraid to even tell her that I frenched her dad on New Year's.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'I spent Christmas alone in the Hamptons, drinking scotch and throwing firecrackers at Billy Joel's dog!'

Jack Donaghy · Liddy:Jack's daughter enters: 'Daddy, please stop crying.'

Lutz:Lutz reveals he wrote his name for the lunch pick on flypaper — 'I'm five steps ahead of you, you sons of bitches!'

Cerie:Cerie announces 'technically this is season 8 since the show was canceled two weeks ago'

Lutz:Lutz has changed his name to 'Aardvark' to be first alphabetically

Jenna Maroney:The Rural Juror musical: 'The Irma Luhrmer-merman murder / turned the bird's word lurid...' — Jenna performing the title song from her Broadway musical

Jenna Maroney:Jenna explains acting technique: 'To act drunk, you just wear two different-sized heels. And to cry, you just clutch a shard of broken glass.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna: 'Well, that's not gonna be easy, Kenneth, considering I'm the only person who works here.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy explains how to fake your own death, including the $70 deposit — 'Why would a guy planning to fake his death deposit $70? He wouldn't!'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack to Liz: 'Your light always shone the brightest, baby.' — delivered ominously before the 'last' show

Grizz · Liz Lemon:Grizz reveals his uncle left him a bed and breakfast outside Santa Fe — 'I'm gonna be a real fish out of water.'

Lutz:Lutz's speech: 'I was Lutz — dumb, old, uncool, part-Inuit, bisexual, 51-year-old Lutz!'

Lutz:Lutz: 'And when that sandwich slides out of you in a week, look at it, because that is Lutz's revenge!'

Lutz:Lutz's prophecy: 'And when that sandwich slides out of you in a week, look at it, because that is Lutz's revenge!'

Liz Lemon · Cerie:Liz gives Cerie the lunch order — Nobu 57 and Make My Cake in Harlem — then 'I'll be back. I hope.'

Tracy Jordan · Liz Lemon:Tracy at the strip club: 'Give it up for Liz Lemon, everybody! The least molested person in here.'

Stripper/MC:Stripper at the strip club (Tracy's hiding place): 'Give it up for Liz Lemon, everybody! The least molested person in here.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy's speech about not knowing how to say goodbye: 'My dad going to get a pack of smokes and never coming back, all those foster parents talking about adopting me and never did.'

Liz Lemon · Tracy Jordan:Liz's honest goodbye to Tracy: 'We're probably not gonna hang out after this... You'll say you're gonna invite me to your house and it's never gonna happen. And I'll see on TV that it's your birthday and I'll forget to call.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy's response: 'Brutally honest... I like that.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy: 'Brutally honest. I like that.' — then goes back to watch a 'skank train' before the show

Lutz · TGS writers:The Lutz/Blimpie finale: food arrives but it's cupcake sandwiches from Cerie's order; writers celebrate, then Lutz runs in covered in Blimpie's food — the writers scatter screaming 'Cover the food!'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's fake video suicide note: 'Try not to blame yourself. How were you to know I was in such a dark place that the smallest thing — for example, a close friend's refusal to reconcile — would be the final straw.'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack's parting gift: 'Go to YouTube and search Hamlet the mini pig goes downstairs.' Liz: '...No! Phone first! I'll watch the pig video in the cab.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy's final goodbye to the cast: 'Guys, to be honest, you are nerds, and one of you is very funny. Good-bye forever.'

Tracy Jordan · Pete Hornberger:Tracy to Pete: 'Good-bye, Petey Pete. I will forget you.' Pete: 'I sure hope so, tray. I sure hope so.'

Tracy Jordan · Liz Lemon:Tracy to Liz: 'My Bologna, in all honesty — I'm going out for cigarettes now. And I'll be home in 15 minutes.'

Liz Lemon:Liz sprinting to find Jack: 'Don't you want to know how Mad Men ends? Oh, Don goes to work for Peggy!'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'I have to find my bliss, which, for once, is not an acronym for Beautiful Ladies In Short Shorts.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's elaborate etymology of 'love' — 'Old High German luba, from Latin lubere, meaning to be pleasing, as used by Anglo-Saxon forefathers in reference to a hot bowl of bear meat or your enemy's skull... Split.' — to avoid saying 'I love you'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack's circumlocution for 'I love you': etymology of 'luba' from Old High German, through Latin 'lubere,' explained as analogous to 'a hot bowl of bear meat or your enemy's skull... split.'

Liz Lemon:'Thank you, America. That's our show. Not a lot of people watched it. But the joke's on you, 'cause we got paid anyway.'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack's big insight from his boat trip: 'Clear dishwashers! So you can see what's going on inside it!' — delivered as a revelation

Pete Hornberger · Paula:Pete is found by his wife Paula in the parking lot — she calls him 'Sam' — he tries to claim amnesia but breaks immediately: 'I practiced this!'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy's credits speech: 'I want to thank the brilliant Kevin Grisham, the amazing John Stamos, the incomparable Judge Judy Scheindlin.' — then steals the credits from another actor

Tracy Jordan · Liz Lemon:Tracy calls Liz to tell her 'my dad finally came back from getting cigarettes' — the cigarette running gag resolved

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack calls Liz from the boat: 'Don't forget Tracy's birthday.'

Jack Donaghy · Sam:New assistant is named Sam — Jack: 'Wait, you're Sam?' — mirroring the Pete/Paula 'Sam' scene

Liz Lemon · Executive:The show-within-a-show flash-forward: TGS is now a period piece set at '30 Rockefeller Plaza' — based on stories 'my great-grandmother told me'