Last Lunch

Any recommendations for the best place to buy a girl's bike on the upper West Side? She's eight. - I'm sorry... What's a girl's bike? Is that like a girl doctor? Go back to Saudi Arabia, Hitler!

You're buying a bike but not a helmet? The head is where the child's brain is. Why don't you get educated, double Hitler!

My two-year-old is super gay, and we love him more than a straight child because he doesn't rape!

Yesterday I moved Kabletown's customer service to a part of India that has no phones. We're now providing the same level of service to our subscribers at zero the cost.

And then we'll be able to get even better trophy wives... Half-Asian ones!

I never told you this, but I once came up late at night looking for Jack, and you were in a wedding dress dancing with one of his suits.

Stay-at-home Lemon. To what do I owe the pleasure? Did you already run out of things to do today? - Pfft! What? No. You are.

To keep away frankensteins, which, as far as we know, worked.

I ran this morning for 30 minutes. - Does that include dry heaving? - And wet.

He has a degree in ethno-musicology from wesleyan, so he's a receptionist in a dental office.

Hogcock! Which is a combination of 'hogwash' and 'poppycock.'

If my mother told me that everything I had been raised to believe was a lie and then died, I'd be like, 'say what?'

A city built on the religion of capitalism, and I am its high priest, looking down on the swinish multitude.

Even they must acknowledge me... As a god. - And this makes you happy? - It should.

You know, I'm reminded of something Yoda once said. Mmm! Ohh! Dark times are these.

We thought maybe contestants could win money instead of penis punches.

He promised me he'd always be there for me, no matter what! - Sometimes things change. - And yet you still say stupid stuff to me all the time and suck at carrying boxes!

You've always had the body for it.

Woman, writer, New York... Those are all on my list of TV no-no words.

They don't want to watch some angry New York crankypants make that face... exactly.

Shows where a guy gets a drink thrown in his face, and then he turns to his dog and says, 'don't even say it.' To his dog!

I will tell the other gays your real ages!

I will stop being an actress when the earth stops spinning on Kabbalah monster's fingernail.

Good-bye forever, you factory reject dildos.

Inga, you have to warn me when we have an important guest. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to spank you again.

Where are all the baby pigeons?

It's like when a pig says, 'if I can communicate with you telepathically, do I have a soul?' And then you're like, 'no. Duh. Into the slaughtering chute.'

As I was taught at Six Sigma... Analyze, strategize, succeed. 'A.S.S.' I'm going to crush this problem... With my ass.

That's Tracy... 't' as in the drink, 'r' as in the pirate noise, 'a' as in the Fonzie noise, 'c' as in sea monster, 'y' as in why do we even make friends if they're gonna let you down when we need them the most?

'J' as in the birds I'm afraid of...

I did, but I got fired... For stupidity.

For example, the rapper T.I., who wrote, 'better get on yo job, tell 'em. Haters get on yo job, nougats.' at least, I think he was saying 'nougats.'

I'll be the one wearing a purple sweater and wrapping a baby swing around some skank's neck.

And if you can, get hit by a car. You get to spend a couple days in the hospital, and they'll give you soup.

Nancy, I know this is unconventional, but I really think a group relationship could work. - What you're proposing is a sin, Jack, but she is wicked hot.

My foot hurts, but I'm okay. I think this injury has given me crime-solving powers. It's law & order: Mind beauty.

I am going to the city of angels, a veterinary hospital where I get dog sedatives that help me relax when I fly.

Good-bye forever, you soup line at a gay homeless shelter.

Since when do you listen to T.I.? - That message board is for moms. I thought you were a lady.

Sitting at a desk makes me crazy, so I keep getting up and getting coffee. Now I'm all jittery and weird and... bird!

Her kids were so bored, I just wanted to jump over that divider and play waiting games with them, like carpet adventure. - Or that one where your hands are spiders. - Hand spiders.

If you were a dude, you would not even be thinking that. It's okay to want to work. One of us has to. We just got it backwards. You're... the dad.

I do like ignoring your questions while I try to watch TV. - Exactly!

A show about a dentist's office where the sassy hygienist says things like, 'I'm turning 30... Again.'

When I went up to Ken's office earlier, I saw his schedule on his assistant's pornography box! - You mean computer?

Unless you need us to hate the new Taylor swift album. That girl has feelings. - You're wrong, Dotcom!

Neither is talking two catholic beauties into a delicious vanilla-caramel sex swirl, but I did it.

Oh, thank you, you two, for blowing my brains.

You string cheese with a tooth stuck in it.

They burned you in effigy! The hair went up like a Roman candle.

By having to come down here and listen to us.

God, I feel like I have a 'macropenis' right now.

America wants to see... John hardly. He loves his family, but he hates the rat race. He's 'hardly working.'

And I don't mean those two santas I saw kissing on the subway.

Shut your chin slit.

You eastern European knockoff Mr. Potato heads.

I know what it is to blow up overnight. And I'm not talking about my gout.

So, like the snakes I kept in my dressing room, I release you.

Am I supposed to drop this on the floor?

I'm looking for six figures, eight if you're counting cents, which I fell for once before... Not cool, the gap.

I pissed off my enemies... Pelosi, Maddow, Baldwin.

You're just an alcoholic with a great voice.

When I met you, I was perfectly happy with what I had... Eating night cheese and transitioning my pajamas into daywear.

I used to be a shark, and then you 'unsharkulated' me.

I called you up here for one meeting seven years ago, and you kept coming up.

So we ruined each other? Good to know.

There! You're no longer special to him. Get out! Get out of our lives! Yes!

The same company that suggested we get flush buddies to save water.

This is Dan silversmith with Carolina mutual. I can't talk right now. I'm with a customer.

Like that machine Kathy Geiss invented that hugs old people. - My god, this will change elder care forever. - Hmm. Whoops. Nope.

The only thing that can stop this show is an act of god or if some genius figured out a way to stall Just long enough...

The night is young. And neither are you.

Eating night cheese and transitioning my pajamas into daywear.

Alphabetically after Lemon comes... Oh, no.

It's Manhattan's largest out-of-business women's blazer dump.

I assume that's code for a billionaire's soul-searching trip to tan penis island.

Most of tan penis island was destroyed in Sting's house fire.

According to the national weather service, you should, and I quote, 'leave work, get in your purple Bentley, and be home with your sharks before the tristate area gets slammed by what is being called snowicane'

What did you do to Al Roker to make him do that? - Let's just say his wife is on the board of a children's hospital, and they need a celebrity to host their annual gala, and I threatened to do it.

I can't talk right now. I'm with a customer.

Did you pin her up against the wall? Were your shirts wet with rain?

When Conan dumped her, she dropped him forever. - Hey, Liz. - Come on, you can't pretend I don't exist. We dated for a year! We were gonna lose our virginity to each other! Now I'll never lose it!

I'm afraid to even tell her that I frenched her dad on new year's.

I spent Christmas alone in the Hamptons, drinking scotch and throwing firecrackers at Billy Joel's dog!

Daddy, please stop crying.

I wrote it on flypaper. I'm five steps ahead of you, you sons of bitches!

I've never met Mickey Rourke.

Good luck with, uh, Jake.

Go home to your wife and eight beautiful children. You're all so beautiful.

You changed your name to 'aardvark'? That's insane! - Shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Blimpie's.

♪ I will never forget you ♪ ♪ rural juror ♪ What? What is that face?

To cry, you just clutch a shard of broken glass.

If anything ever happens to me and you can't find my body but you can find this, don't overthink it. Just Bury the necklace and move on.

Sweet, funny Elizabeth, your light always shown the brightest, baby. - You're coming to the show tonight, right? - I'll be watching. Not sure from where, but I'll be with you... In spirit.

Because for seven years, you have yelled at me and turned the lights out on me when I was in the bathroom and written on me while I was sleeping, 'cause I was Lutz... Dumb, old, uncool, part-inuit, bisexual, 51-year-old Lutz!

Give it up for Liz Lemon, everybody! The least molested person in here.

Anybody who's ever left me in my life just left... My dad going to get a pack of smokes and never coming back, all those foster parents talking about adopting me and never did.

We were forced to be friends because of work. And we're probably not gonna hang out after this, all right? You'll say that you're gonna invite me to your house, and it's never gonna happen.

Because the human heart is not properly connected to the human brain, I love you, and I'm gonna miss you.

At the end of act two, my character, constance justice, sings the title song. It's a tearful good-bye to her true love, Norman Blurder, the rural juror.

Brian Williams needs a mirror on the floor of his bathroom. I guess you want that if you have a glass toilet.

Oh, god, that idiot. What did he do? - You are watching my video suicide note.

This is like what happened with my gynecologist all over again!

I want to be buried in it. So, if anything ever happens to me and you can't find my body but you can find this, don't overthink it. Just Bury the necklace and move on.

I sure hope so, tray. I sure hope so.