Criss

Criss · Liz:Hey, whatever happened to TiVo? Remember, you used to fast-forward, it'd make that sound? Boop-boop, boop-boop. Yeah. Yeah, then it'd be all like, bung-bung. - Boop-boop, boop-boop. - Bung-bung, bung-bung. - Bung-bung, bung-bung. - Boop-boop, boop-boop. Boop-boop, boop-boop.

Criss:And he/she has his/her baseball glove and baby. And both sets of genitals!

Criss:That was hard to track down. Today, almost all of them are in police evidence lockers.

Criss:Is that an Armenian name? Is he a space Armenian? I don't know. The Kardashians are Armenian, they're into black guys, so there's something to it...

Criss · Liz:Oh, yeah, if you watch those games, that thing definitely has a menstrual cycle. Right?

Criss:I called sunglass hut and got my credit limit raised to $80, plus, they told me I only needed 5,000 more shades points to get free lens wipes

Criss:Yesterday, that was the face, feet and colon of a pig.

Criss:All right, kids. Who wants some? Get in my van.

Criss:Is there a problem, officer?

Criss:Well, that's what she said, but...

Criss · Liz:Wesleyan is the Harvard of central Connecticut. Yale is the Harvard of central Connecticut.

Criss:Had that locked and loaded, didn't you?

Criss:You don't say cholesterol correctly. 'Chloresterole.'

Criss:What would Jack say about that? He'd say, 'good God, Lemon.' Locked and loaded.

Criss:I go back to sleeping on the floor of my Uncle's mattress store

Criss:Oh, it's burning the backs of my eyes. Oh, it's burning my face now.

Criss:# and the chorus goes here / # yeah this is where the chorus goes # / # I didn't have time to write it / # but the chorus goes here

Criss:But you're a lady. Right?

Criss · Liz:Well, you know, for thousands of years Japanese diners have used traditional tatami mats... Whoa, okay, no, no, no.

Criss:Unless you count that time when the goose chased you into the Central Park boat pond.

Criss · Unknown shoppers · Liz:I like myself. I have good taste in drapes. / I wish I'd died on Iwo Jima and never met you. / Whoa. What was that? / Not us.

Criss:So tense. Just like my mom's back.

Criss:Look, salt and pepper shakers. You put them together, it makes a heart. Take them apart, two red sperms.

Criss:What's with the 'neggy' vibes, jeez.

Criss · Liz:I don't know if I'm feeling it, you know? / What about this idea? I know a guy who cuts glass... / No. I took measurements, I looked at colors, we came here. This is the plan.

Liz · Criss:We are not letting this table be a metaphor for our relationship. That's what Ikea wants us to do. / I'm just not sure my chair wants to be with this table. / Why, because deep down your chair would rather be with other chairs?

Liz · Criss:This is why you don't just choose one option. / No, this is why you don't waste 45 minutes wandering around the 'Valentine's marketplace.'

Criss:Well what race am I supposed to check? We all come from Africa.

Criss:We just, uh, stomp on your foot. Kick you in the knee, Yankees suck, go pats.

Jenna · Criss:Nothing that happens on Leap Day counts.

Dennis · Criss:I tried to steal beer from a Duane reade, and some black guy cold-cocked me. / Ooh, like a security guard? / I don't know, pal. I don't see people that way

Criss:At burning man, and we agreed never to talk about that. At sunset, the CACTI start to resemble people looking for hugs

Criss · Liz:Guy with a concussion on St. Patrick's day is like a horse with a broken leg. / Exactly. We should shoot him

Liz · Criss:And once again, the puppet will become the puppet master. / What does that mean, 'once again'? That's not a thing

Criss · Liz:Love you. / You're the best. / Love you. / Scooby-doo. / I love you. / I just ordered thai food

Criss:You solo-ed me.

Liz · Criss:♪ Cleanup, cleanup ♪ ♪ do your own housework, you little crackers ♪ - what? - My kindergarten teacher was a former black panther.

Criss:Oh, yeah? You're one to talk, buddy. I'm Brent. I'm the new guy on the crew. I'm Rod. I'm the boss. And what I say goes.

Criss:I've never been with a man before. Looks like I'm the boss now... Rod.

Liz · Criss:Oh! What are we doing? - I don't know. Whatever! Let's wrestle! It doesn't matter.

Criss:You have a baby name book, and you circled Adolf?

Criss:And he's in trouble, too, 'cause I watched some boxercise videos on demand before coming down here.

Criss:Or the plant. It's your body.

Criss:The walls are filled with electrocuted mice.

Criss:If you take my profits from the hot dog truck and add 'em to the $300 my aunt gave me for Christmas, I'd have $200.

Liz · Criss:Boy, I sound just like my dad. Which, I guess, makes me Mrs. Lemon. Seriously, though, I gotta get to work. I gotta get to yoga and lunch with the girls.

Criss:I'm a man. I'm a man, I'm a man! I'm an adult man! You think I like you having to pay for everything? It's humiliating.

Criss:You think I like having to earn Crisspoints so that I can take you on dates that you actually pay for?

Criss:Only because liking the Crisspoints system is one of the ways I earn Crisspoints!

Criss:It is a van with a car engine, Liz, okay?

Criss:Because you're the person who has to krang that plant for nine months, poop it, and then go back to work to support both of you!

Criss:And he has a watch, and an office with a trash can and a little basketball hoop on it.

Criss:And he plays as hard as he works because, damn it, he deserves to blow off a little steam.

Criss:Also, FOX News is right across the street, and word is Greta Van Susteren eats hot dogs like Slimer.

Liz · Criss:Hey! You didn't whisper in my ear and kiss me to wake me up like you always do. / I've never done that.

Liz · Criss:You named your van after the guy from Dawson's Creek? / I've seen everything he's ever been in except for that.

Criss:[Shouting in Hebrew]

Criss:I had no idea the shmuley Israel memorial parade was a predominantly Jewish event.

Criss:You know what kind of women in their 40s have never been married, Liz? Uggos, crazies, and bailers. You're not an uggo.

Criss:I didn't Rob a bank, Liz. God! No, I sold the van this morning... To a really nice young guy on Meth.

Criss:I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over.

Liz · Criss:Have you ever had a girlfriend willing to Thelma and Louise with you? / No. Never. But come on, Bonnie and Clyde. Okay, I'm a boy. I'm a boy, Liz.

Criss · Liz:You said, 'baby,' instead of 'plant.' Now say, 'man cave.' / Never!

Liz · Criss:Because we are thinking about having a baby... Together... That will emerge from my vagina. / Or a Chinese vagina.

Liz · Criss:It's like I'm Don Draper and you're Megan. Okay, you're Don Draper. No, you're Glen and I'm Sally.

Criss · Liz:Because you kept saying your Aunt Flo was in town. She was. Remember? I took her to MOMA and the cloisters?

Criss:I assumed those were all vaginal euphemisms.

Criss:♪ Your body is my garden of Eden ♪

Criss · Liz:You just spoke in German. I don't think so, Criss.

Criss:If it's positive, 'Awesome! We're having a baby! I wanna name it Frisbee!' If it's negative, 'Awesome. We're not gonna fight about the name Frisbee, and we get disco fries for breakfast 'cause we're sad.'

Liz · Criss:You know who else was married? Ted Bundy. - I don't think so, Liz. - Really? He's so handsome. Is he still alive?

Criss:You know, I always imagined getting married right when they take your picture on Splash Mountain.

Criss:She made it out of parachute silk while hiding from the Germans.

Criss:Oh! My lip is caught in the grill!

Criss:Guess there's another full-figured Bev at the office there.

Criss:No, bowling ball's too small. It's like a basketball. A small basketball that you win at the fair.

Criss:I want to paint a mural of Houston for the kids, but I'm terrible at drawing swamp humidity.

Liz · Criss:Sex on the couch?

Criss:Did you know that every year more people die from disease and accidents combined than from just trampoline accidents?

Criss:I'm the only single guy here, Liz, except for Ladarius, whose wife died in a trampoline accident.

Criss:They're not coming in on 1/29 on Flight 124. They're coming in on 1/24 on Flight 129.

Criss:"Now I'm all jittery and weird and... bird!"

Criss:"Or that one where your hands are spiders. Hand spiders."

Criss:"like, I don't know, a show about a dentist's office where the sassy hygienist says things like, 'I'm turning 30... Again.'"

Liz · Criss:Since when do you listen to T.I.? - That message board is for moms. I thought you were a lady.

Criss:Sitting at a desk makes me crazy, so I keep getting up and getting coffee. Now I'm all jittery and weird and... bird!

Criss · Liz:Her kids were so bored, I just wanted to jump over that divider and play waiting games with them, like carpet adventure. - Or that one where your hands are spiders. - Hand spiders.

Criss:If you were a dude, you would not even be thinking that. It's okay to want to work. One of us has to. We just got it backwards. You're... the dad.

Liz · Criss:I do like ignoring your questions while I try to watch TV. - Exactly!

Criss:A show about a dentist's office where the sassy hygienist says things like, 'I'm turning 30... Again.'