Criss

Criss · Liz:It's Terry, the gender-neutral doll I had when I was a kid. And he/she has his/her baseball glove and baby. And both sets of genitals!

Criss:That was hard to track down. Today, almost all of them are in police evidence lockers.

Liz · Criss:Fine, I'll stay! Gyah. Do you want a smiley face? German flag, please.

Criss:I think I saw Billy Dee Williams in Riverside Park this morning when I was meeting dogs.

Criss · Liz:Which totally supports your theory that the Phillie Phanatic is biologically a female. Oh, yeah, if you watch those games, that thing definitely has a menstrual cycle.

Criss:How fresh is that dog? Yesterday, that was the face, feet and colon of a pig.

Criss:All right, kids. Who wants some? Get in my van.

Criss:Is there a problem, officer?

Liz · Criss:He inserts himself into my business whether I want him to or not and now he's inserting himself into this. Well, that's what she said, but...

Criss · Liz:Wesleyan is the Harvard of central Connecticut. / Yale is the Harvard of central Connecticut.

Criss:Had that locked and loaded, didn't you?

Criss:You're a 41-year-old woman who cheats at board games.

Criss:You don't use the tab closures on cereal boxes. If you think those are doing anything to seal in freshness, you are living in a fantasy world, pal.

Criss:This was a good day, Liz. I'm gonna be in the park meditating. What would Jack say about that? He'd say, 'Good God, Lemon.' Locked and loaded.

Criss:I'm sorry, is this guy breaking up with me?

Criss:You can listen to Jack, we can call it quits and I go back to sleeping on the floor of my Uncle's mattress store.

Criss:It's already, like, turning itself. But I feel like I still have to turn it. Oh, oh, my God, mustard just came out my nose. It's burning the backs of my eyes.

Jack · Criss:All right, I'm putting you on probationary approval. / Okay, I don't really care. / I'll tell you what changed my mind, Criss: a conversation I had with Tracy Jordan.

Criss:Criss's Valentine's song with placeholder chorus: '# and the chorus goes here / yeah this is where the chorus goes #' and '# I didn't have time to write it / but the chorus goes here #'

Criss · Liz:Criss proposes dinner at home with 'mashed potatoes in a Martini glass, we'll open some of that wine we didn't give the super for Christmas because you decided it would come off as racist. Oh, I'm glad we gave him those G.E.D. books instead.'

Criss · Liz:'We'll play the soundtrack to Major League.' / 'You're making fun of me, but that love song is awesome.'

Liz · Criss · Ikea Couple:Liz and Criss pass a fighting couple in Ikea: 'I wish I'd died on Iwo Jima and never met you.' Criss: 'Whoa. What was that?' Liz: 'Not us.'

Stranger · Liz · Criss:After tension between Liz and Criss in Ikea, a stranger says 'So tense. Just like my mom's back.' Then immediately: 'I'm going back to those cute bowls.' / 'I swear to God, I will stab you!'

Criss:Liz finds salt-and-pepper shakers: 'You put them together, it makes a heart. Take them apart, two red sperms.'

Criss · Liz:Ikea table fight becomes a relationship metaphor: 'Maybe a more fun table would be a better table for me.' 'Well, maybe a more fun table wouldn't be as supportive.' 'No no no, we are not letting this table be a metaphor for our relationship. That's what Ikea WANTS us to do.'

Liz · Criss:The table metaphor fight: Liz and Criss argue about the table being 'uptight' vs. 'fun', then: 'I'm just not sure my chair wants to be with this table.' / 'Why, because deep down your chair would rather be with other chairs?'

Criss:Liz and Criss walk through the Ikea warehouse and Criss sees a T-shirt: 'Seriously? Zoo York.'

Criss:Criss: 'Seriously? Zoo York.' — reacting to something Liz is wearing in Ikea

Liz · Criss:The Kurtz table is sold out. Criss: 'This is why you don't just choose one option.' Liz: 'No, this is why you don't waste 45 minutes wandering around the Valentine's marketplace.'

Liz · Criss:Liz: 'You didn't finish law school, it's why you still aren't done filling out your 2010 census.' Criss: 'Well what race am I supposed to check? We all come from Africa.'

Criss:Criss (to Liz, in the fight): 'You have no kids. The only thing you like about your job is taking home free sodas.'

Criss · Ikea Employee:Criss: 'That's why I get out of the nidurgangur in the morning.' Ikea employee: 'It's one of our cheaper beds.'

Criss · Store Employee:Criss in a lingerie store: 'Are you shopping for someone? Do you know what size she is? / No. I don't know. Maybe. No.' / 'I see. It's okay. I have an Uncle who uses my discount here all the time.'

Criss · Liz:Criss's ringtone: 'My ringtone is the sounds of cooking. Which is perfect, because I love cooking. But when I'm cooking...'

Criss · Liz:Criss reveals the table he built from 'fallen tree branches from Riverside Park' — where they first met — topped with a Herman Cain poster found in a dumpster.

Liz · Criss:Liz: 'But how are we ever going to break up?' Criss: 'I don't know, maybe we never will. Maybe we'll still be celebrating Valentine's together 100 years from now.' Liz: 'Do you think our ape overlords will let us?'

Criss · Liz:The table Criss made: 'I gathered fallen tree branches from Riverside Park. That's where we first met.' / 'Yeah. And the top is a Herman Cain poster I found in a dumpster.'

Criss · Liz:Just as Liz wants to have sex: 'Finally, I can say, happy Valen— Ow! My legs! Aah! This get me out of sex.'

Criss · Liz:So another woman? / Victoria's Secret model.

Jenna · Criss:It's Leap Day. Real life is for March. / Nothing that happens on Leap Day counts.

Criss · Liz · Criss · Liz · Tracy:Seriously, 20 million bucks? I would sleep with Thad Warmald for that. / Couldn't go through with it. You know, I just kept seeing your face. Also, I have too much dignity. / So another woman? / Victoria's Secret model. / Feast, homeless, feast!

Liz · Criss · Radio Host (Ira Glass parody):This American Life, Saturday, March 17th... Hey, what are you doing? Get out of my studio! Happy St. Patrick's day! Let go of me! Didn't you hear my show on bullying?

Liz · Criss:Look at them spin around. They're so confused. It's too many Megans, right?

Criss:I just ordered thai food. How much do you love me now?

Dennis · Criss:I tried to steal beer from a Duane Reade, and some black guy cold-cocked me. / Ooh, like a security guard? / I don't know, pal. I don't see people that way.

Criss · Liz:I was a volunteer EMT. At Burning Man. And we agreed never to talk about that. At sunset, the cacti start to resemble people looking for hugs. It gets ugly, Liz.

Dennis · Criss:I should take the hot dog truck out after the parade, and sell empty buns to drunk people.

Liz · Criss:And once again, the puppet will become the puppet master. / What does that mean, 'once again'? That's not a thing.

Criss:Dude, you missed the end of the lez movie. Their daughter, she goes off to college, and Mark Ruffalo, he's just gonna do his own thing with the restaurant.

Liz · Criss · Dennis:Liz realization: 'Wait, Megan is real?' followed by explaining she said 'I love you' to Dennis as a tactical bluff.

Criss:All right, mustard only. There you go. Enjoy your bun.

Criss · passerby:Wait, is now the time on St. Patrick's day when we talk about our feelings? / I don't understand your art, Kevin.

Liz · Criss:I love you. / I know. / You solo-ed me.

Liz · Criss:The door closes on the woman Liz was talking to (likely trying to adopt).

Liz · Criss:cigarfan@nbcuni.com / 'Avail 4 javamanana per Jack. Deets 2 follow. Kev'

Criss:'Sent from one of my four iPads'? This guy sounds amazing.

Criss:No, if you don't go, you're not gonna be able to tell Jack how wrong he is. If you do go, just have coffee with this guy, maybe Jack will shut up, and I'll finally get the acceptance that, you know, every 39-year-old man craves from his girlfriend's boss.

Criss:Where is he? Where is 'Kev'? It's game go.

Liz · Criss:Game go is not a phrase. / I don't know. I just got really wound up at the thought of you getting checked out by some creep.

Criss:I watched some boxercise videos on demand before coming down here.

Liz · Criss:Why are you so out of breath? / 'Cause I ran all the way down here. / Why didn't you just take the subway? / 'Cause that's not romantic. Watch a movie, Liz.

Liz · Criss · Cat:Oh, thank God. / That is not funny, young lady. / It's a little funny.

Liz · Criss:I think maybe I still... / I don't think you should... / want to be a mom. / give up on having a kid. / Okay. We're on the same page.

Criss · Liz:I think we've talked about it enough. Maybe we just put a pin in that and have some fun. / I'll open a puzzle. / I'll make a stew.

Criss:If it's a nursery, then you can hear the baby. Or the plant. It's your body.

Criss:Well, I could chip in. If you take my profits from the hot dog truck and add 'em to the $300 my aunt gave me for Christmas, I'd have $200.

Criss:Boy, I sound just like my dad. Which, I guess, makes me Mrs. Lemon.

Liz · Criss:You went out and bought a Fedora. This? I finally watched the premiere of Prime Suspect on Hulu. It's really very good. Anyway, I thought I would treat myself.

Criss:I'm a man. I'm a man, I'm a man! I'm an adult man! You think I like you having to pay for everything? It's humiliating.

Criss:Only because liking the crisspoints system is one of the ways I earn crisspoints!

Liz · Criss:You're the one who chose to sell hot dogs out of a car. / It is a van with a car engine, Liz, okay?

Criss:NBC just becomes a web site that sells used office supplies.

Criss:Of course, because you're the person who has to krang that plant for nine months, poop it, and then go back to work to support both of you!

Criss:Somebody with money that's probably named Spencer or Grant. And he has a watch, and an office with a trash can and a little basketball hoop on it. And he plays as hard as he works because, damn it, he deserves to blow off a little steam.

Liz · Criss:God, I don't wanna be with Spencer! / And yet you're silent about Grant.

Criss:Well, guess what... I'm gonna become Grant. That's right, tomorrow I'm gonna take my truck out, and I'm gonna start pulling my weight, like a man. Now, get in that bed, and let's watch Dance Moms.

Criss:It's a brand new location, Liz. I got a subway entrance right here, and I got a tour bus stop right there. Also, FOX News is right across the street, and word is Greta Van Susteren eats hot dogs like Slimer.

Criss · Liz:Right, those creepy, off-brand Sesame Street characters that harass tourists into paying them to take pictures. I hate those guys. As a Sesame Street purist, I don't think Elmo usually tells passing women they have a sweet dumper.

Liz · Criss:You didn't whisper in my ear and kiss me to wake me up like you always do. / I've never done that.

Liz · Criss:You named your van after the guy from Dawson's Creek? / I've seen everything he's ever been in except for that.

Criss:I had no idea the Shmuley Israel Memorial Parade was a predominantly Jewish event.

Criss:You know what kind of women in their 40s have never been married, Liz? Uggos, crazies, and bailers. You're not an uggo. And you're 'ha-ha' crazy, not 'oh, boy' crazy, which means you bail.

Liz · Criss:Planty, no! / I don't care about that.

Criss:I sold the van this morning... to a really nice young guy on meth.

Liz · Criss:You sold Van Der Beek? For me? / I sold Van Der Beek... For us.

Criss:I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over.

Liz · Criss:Have you ever had a girlfriend willing to Thelma and Louise with you? / No. Never. / But come on, Bonnie and Clyde. Okay, I'm a boy. I'm a boy, Liz.

Liz · Criss:This would make a great room for a baby. / You said 'baby' instead of 'plant.' / Now say 'man cave.' / Never!

Criss · Liz:Because you kept saying your Aunt Flo was in town. She was. Remember? I took her to MoMA and the Cloisters. I assumed those were all vaginal euphemisms.

Liz · Criss:Great. So we had sex for no reason. No reason at all. — Wow. Thank you.

Criss:I surprised you at the office. I wrote you that song. ♪ Your body is my garden of Eden ♪

Criss · Liz:You just spoke in German. I don't think so, Criss.

Criss · Liz:Hey! That was ten dollars. I think I figured out what's been missing from my sex life. Organizing it.

Criss:If it's positive, 'Awesome! We're having a baby! I wanna name it Frisbee!' If it's negative, 'Awesome. We're not gonna fight about the name Frisbee, and we get disco fries for breakfast 'cause we're sad.'

Criss:I bet it's me. All those years trying to get on 'America's Funniest Home Videos'.

Criss:Physical comedy reaction: Criss gets hit/scared by something offscreen. 'Aah! Oh! Aah!'

Liz · Criss:Jeez, I feel like we're at a deli. / Deli? Save it for the honeymoon.

Criss · Liz:You okay? / Yeah. I just thought there'd be more people here in gym clothes, carrying bags full of toilet paper.

Criss:You know, I always imagined getting married right when they take your picture on Splash Mountain.

Criss:Great. 'Cause I forgot my birth certificate.

Criss:And even though Shanice said she'd let it slide if I sat on her hand --

Liz · Criss · Liz · Criss:What are you doing? Why did you change your clothes? / Well, this is what I was wearing when we met in Riverside Park. Remember? You said, 'Nice turtleneck'. / No, I said, 'Nice turtleneck.' / Thank you again!

Criss:Ergo. Affleck's finally gonna get that Oscar.

Criss · Liz:Guess what? You wasted a lot of money on that dress. / Oh, actually, it was my grandmother's. She made it out of parachute silk while hiding from the Germans.

Criss:Shut up!

Criss · Liz:Liz, it's okay to be a human woman. / No, it's not! It's the worst! Because of society!

Liz · Criss:And why did I find this hidden under your underwear ball? / Oh, Rosenbear. He never got enough time in his garden before he passed.

Criss · Liz:I want today to be special. God, do you have any idea how hard it was to get you to admit that? 'I forgot my birth certificate. Let's invite Dennis.' Oh, you were playing me. / 'I'll wear my stupid turtleneck!'

Liz · Criss · Liz:What? It's the only white dress I own. / But your hair! / I'm a princess!

Liz · Criss · Liz:Tito was a drug dealer the police shot in the face. / In Riverside Park. Where we first met. / It's perfect.

Criss:"'But you see,' said Roark quietly, 'I've chosen the work I want to do. And I can find joy only if I do my work in the best way possible to me.'"

Criss · Liz Lemon:hotjuggsbev2@adoption.Gov

Criss:Guess there's another full-figured Bev at the office there.

Liz Lemon · Criss:It's not my airport! / Let it go, Liz.

Liz Lemon · Criss:How big is an eight-year-old's head? I'm thinking, like, a bowling ball? No, bowling ball's too small. It's like a basketball. A small basketball that you win at the fair. You're describing a bowling ball.

Criss:Upstairs, I want to paint a mural of Houston for the kids, but I'm terrible at drawing swamp humidity.

Liz Lemon · Criss:Sex on the couch? / That's a good one, Criss. I'll call you later. [Laughs]

Criss:Did you know that every year more people die from disease and accidents combined than from just trampoline accidents?

Criss:I'm the only single guy here, Liz, except for Ladarius, whose wife died in a trampoline accident.

Criss · Unknown Character:No. / Guys, I'm worried about Todd.

Liz Lemon · Criss · Bystander:Hang on. Is that them? / Is that the twins? / No way! So it is possible. / Yeah, I saw it on Maury.

Liz Lemon · Criss:Liz struggles to get her kids ready — 'Criss, shoes and socks!' while also managing comic books and jackets — establishing she's now a stay-at-home mom in chaotic domestic mode

Liz Lemon · Criss:Opening scene: Liz Lemon wrangling kids named 'Janet' and 'Criss' — then telling her husband Criss 'shoes and socks' like a third child

Criss · Liz Lemon:Criss at the park to fight: 'Liz, you don't want to be here right now, 'cause I got to go smack that woman in the face.' — it's Liz

Criss · Liz Lemon:'Oh, my god! Since when do you listen to T.I.?' / 'That message board is for moms. I thought you were a lady. You said you had amazing cheekbones.'

Criss:Criss explains he hates work: keeps getting up for coffee and is now 'all jittery and weird and... bird!'

Liz Lemon · Criss:'Or that one where your hands are spiders.' 'Hand spiders.'

Criss:'Oh, my god, if you were a dude, you would not even be thinking that [that you're a terrible mother for wanting to work].'

Criss:Criss suggests Liz pitch a show about 'a dentist's office where the sassy hygienist says things like I'm turning 30... Again.' 'I will miss Tyrell.'