Criss

Hey, whatever happened to TiVo? Remember, you used to fast-forward, it'd make that sound? Boop-boop, boop-boop. Yeah. Yeah, then it'd be all like, bung-bung. - Boop-boop, boop-boop. - Bung-bung, bung-bung. - Bung-bung, bung-bung. - Boop-boop, boop-boop. Boop-boop, boop-boop.

And he/she has his/her baseball glove and baby. And both sets of genitals!

That was hard to track down. Today, almost all of them are in police evidence lockers.

Is that an Armenian name? Is he a space Armenian? I don't know. The Kardashians are Armenian, they're into black guys, so there's something to it...

Oh, yeah, if you watch those games, that thing definitely has a menstrual cycle. Right?

I called sunglass hut and got my credit limit raised to $80, plus, they told me I only needed 5,000 more shades points to get free lens wipes

Yesterday, that was the face, feet and colon of a pig.

All right, kids. Who wants some? Get in my van.

Is there a problem, officer?

Well, that's what she said, but...

Wesleyan is the Harvard of central Connecticut. Yale is the Harvard of central Connecticut.

Had that locked and loaded, didn't you?

You don't say cholesterol correctly. 'Chloresterole.'

What would Jack say about that? He'd say, 'good God, Lemon.' Locked and loaded.

I go back to sleeping on the floor of my Uncle's mattress store

Oh, it's burning the backs of my eyes. Oh, it's burning my face now.

# and the chorus goes here / # yeah this is where the chorus goes # / # I didn't have time to write it / # but the chorus goes here

But you're a lady. Right?

Well, you know, for thousands of years Japanese diners have used traditional tatami mats... Whoa, okay, no, no, no.

Unless you count that time when the goose chased you into the Central Park boat pond.

I like myself. I have good taste in drapes. / I wish I'd died on Iwo Jima and never met you. / Whoa. What was that? / Not us.

So tense. Just like my mom's back.

Look, salt and pepper shakers. You put them together, it makes a heart. Take them apart, two red sperms.

What's with the 'neggy' vibes, jeez.

I don't know if I'm feeling it, you know? / What about this idea? I know a guy who cuts glass... / No. I took measurements, I looked at colors, we came here. This is the plan.

We are not letting this table be a metaphor for our relationship. That's what Ikea wants us to do. / I'm just not sure my chair wants to be with this table. / Why, because deep down your chair would rather be with other chairs?

This is why you don't just choose one option. / No, this is why you don't waste 45 minutes wandering around the 'Valentine's marketplace.'

Well what race am I supposed to check? We all come from Africa.

We just, uh, stomp on your foot. Kick you in the knee, Yankees suck, go pats.

Nothing that happens on Leap Day counts.

I tried to steal beer from a Duane reade, and some black guy cold-cocked me. / Ooh, like a security guard? / I don't know, pal. I don't see people that way

At burning man, and we agreed never to talk about that. At sunset, the CACTI start to resemble people looking for hugs

Guy with a concussion on St. Patrick's day is like a horse with a broken leg. / Exactly. We should shoot him

And once again, the puppet will become the puppet master. / What does that mean, 'once again'? That's not a thing

Love you. / You're the best. / Love you. / Scooby-doo. / I love you. / I just ordered thai food

You solo-ed me.

♪ Cleanup, cleanup ♪ ♪ do your own housework, you little crackers ♪ - what? - My kindergarten teacher was a former black panther.

Oh, yeah? You're one to talk, buddy. I'm Brent. I'm the new guy on the crew. I'm Rod. I'm the boss. And what I say goes.

I've never been with a man before. Looks like I'm the boss now... Rod.

Oh! What are we doing? - I don't know. Whatever! Let's wrestle! It doesn't matter.

You have a baby name book, and you circled Adolf?

And he's in trouble, too, 'cause I watched some boxercise videos on demand before coming down here.

Or the plant. It's your body.

The walls are filled with electrocuted mice.

If you take my profits from the hot dog truck and add 'em to the $300 my aunt gave me for Christmas, I'd have $200.

Boy, I sound just like my dad. Which, I guess, makes me Mrs. Lemon. Seriously, though, I gotta get to work. I gotta get to yoga and lunch with the girls.

I'm a man. I'm a man, I'm a man! I'm an adult man! You think I like you having to pay for everything? It's humiliating.

You think I like having to earn Crisspoints so that I can take you on dates that you actually pay for?

Only because liking the Crisspoints system is one of the ways I earn Crisspoints!

It is a van with a car engine, Liz, okay?

Because you're the person who has to krang that plant for nine months, poop it, and then go back to work to support both of you!

And he has a watch, and an office with a trash can and a little basketball hoop on it.

And he plays as hard as he works because, damn it, he deserves to blow off a little steam.

Also, FOX News is right across the street, and word is Greta Van Susteren eats hot dogs like Slimer.

Hey! You didn't whisper in my ear and kiss me to wake me up like you always do. / I've never done that.

You named your van after the guy from Dawson's Creek? / I've seen everything he's ever been in except for that.

[Shouting in Hebrew]

I had no idea the shmuley Israel memorial parade was a predominantly Jewish event.

You know what kind of women in their 40s have never been married, Liz? Uggos, crazies, and bailers. You're not an uggo.

I didn't Rob a bank, Liz. God! No, I sold the van this morning... To a really nice young guy on Meth.

I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over.

Have you ever had a girlfriend willing to Thelma and Louise with you? / No. Never. But come on, Bonnie and Clyde. Okay, I'm a boy. I'm a boy, Liz.

You said, 'baby,' instead of 'plant.' Now say, 'man cave.' / Never!

Because we are thinking about having a baby... Together... That will emerge from my vagina. / Or a Chinese vagina.

It's like I'm Don Draper and you're Megan. Okay, you're Don Draper. No, you're Glen and I'm Sally.

Because you kept saying your Aunt Flo was in town. She was. Remember? I took her to MOMA and the cloisters?

I assumed those were all vaginal euphemisms.

♪ Your body is my garden of Eden ♪

You just spoke in German. I don't think so, Criss.

If it's positive, 'Awesome! We're having a baby! I wanna name it Frisbee!' If it's negative, 'Awesome. We're not gonna fight about the name Frisbee, and we get disco fries for breakfast 'cause we're sad.'

You know who else was married? Ted Bundy. - I don't think so, Liz. - Really? He's so handsome. Is he still alive?

You know, I always imagined getting married right when they take your picture on Splash Mountain.

She made it out of parachute silk while hiding from the Germans.

Oh! My lip is caught in the grill!

Guess there's another full-figured Bev at the office there.

No, bowling ball's too small. It's like a basketball. A small basketball that you win at the fair.

I want to paint a mural of Houston for the kids, but I'm terrible at drawing swamp humidity.

Sex on the couch?

Did you know that every year more people die from disease and accidents combined than from just trampoline accidents?

I'm the only single guy here, Liz, except for Ladarius, whose wife died in a trampoline accident.

They're not coming in on 1/29 on Flight 124. They're coming in on 1/24 on Flight 129.

"Now I'm all jittery and weird and... bird!"

"Or that one where your hands are spiders. Hand spiders."

"like, I don't know, a show about a dentist's office where the sassy hygienist says things like, 'I'm turning 30... Again.'"

Since when do you listen to T.I.? - That message board is for moms. I thought you were a lady.

Sitting at a desk makes me crazy, so I keep getting up and getting coffee. Now I'm all jittery and weird and... bird!

Her kids were so bored, I just wanted to jump over that divider and play waiting games with them, like carpet adventure. - Or that one where your hands are spiders. - Hand spiders.

If you were a dude, you would not even be thinking that. It's okay to want to work. One of us has to. We just got it backwards. You're... the dad.

I do like ignoring your questions while I try to watch TV. - Exactly!

A show about a dentist's office where the sassy hygienist says things like, 'I'm turning 30... Again.'