Criss and Liz decide to celebrate Valentine's Day, but they need to buy a dining room table first. Jack entertains his mother-in-law, Diana, as Jenna frantically looks to Pete to fill in last-minute as the producer of her first live performance on "America's Kidz Got Singing." Back at the office, Tracy and Frank try to help Lutz find someone to spend Valentine's with.
Tracy's absurdist chaos drives 103 jokes in 40 minutes—elite density for Season 6.
Directed by Michael Engler · Written by Kay Cannon
WAR
114.3
Wins Above Replacement
“Hey, Baby, Whats Wrong? (1)” ranks #61 of 138 30 Rock episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 85.8 — Elite. The episode packs 103 scored jokes at 2.3 per minute, averaging 7.2 on craft and 7.1 on impact, with Jack landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Hazel: Is singing the Yemeni national anthem while a handsome but ruthless general pushes a scimitar into your neck, Kristin Chenoweth's corpse at your feet.
Hazel Escalation Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Jack: 'No, you were wonderful. The way your eyes went dead, just like Avery's.'
Jack Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Jack: The first Jessup moved to this country in 1760 to avoid an embarrassing regifting incident.
Jack Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Frank: Ikea's where I used to go pick up newly-single vulnerable chicks. I've gotten women there two, three points hotter than me. So, you know...fours.
Frank Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Diana · Jack: According to your Christmas letter, Avery is in Asia on business. / You know that she was kidnapped by the north Korean secret police. / Don't be vulgar.
All Jokes — 103 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Criss: # and the chorus goes here / # yeah this is where the chorus goes # / # I didn't have time to write it / # but the chorus goes here
Criss Meta/Self-Referential Absurdist ★ Rewatch Criss: But you're a lady. Right?
Criss Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Liz: What I like to celebrate on February 14th? The 1920 founding of the league of women voters in Chicago, Illinois. Interesting fact: They were supposed to meet on the 13th, but they all got lost, so...
Liz Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Unknown news anchor: Good morning, everybody. I'm hanging out with my friend, John. Fox 5 morning news starts... Look over there. And it starts right now. Oh, boy.
Liz: Mashed potatoes in a Martini glass, we'll open some of that wine we didn't give the super for Christmas because you decided it would come off as racist.
Liz Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Liz: Oh, I'm glad we gave him those G.E.D. books instead.
Liz Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Liz: I am 0 for 40 on Valentine's Day.
Liz Character Comedy Observational Movie characters: I will waste you! You'll have to go through this old bastard first! Bon Jovi.
Unknown character: Uh, Liz, you know, my mom did just die. Will you be my Valentine?
Unknown character: I just realized I'm gay.
Liz: If this is going to be 'unterrible' for the first time ever
Liz Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Criss · Liz: Well, you know, for thousands of years Japanese diners have used traditional tatami mats... Whoa, okay, no, no, no.
Liz: We, as a couple, are going to Ikea.
Liz Setup/Punchline Observational Jack · Tracy: Release some energy. / Are we talking about something gross? / My animus has become pent up.
Tracy · Jack: 'mommy-daddy sheet monster times' / I've never 'mommy-daddy sheet monstered' myself.
Tracy Jack Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Tracy: Never? Not even during the Love Boat reunion?
Tracy Absurdist Character Comedy Tracy: We're not going to chili's until I hit one.
Tracy Character Comedy Visual Gag Jack: I would kill to get hit in the crotch by a baseball today.
Jack Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Tracy: Oh, no. I've never had a mother-in-law, but I have seen Everybody loves Raymond. 'Debra, where's the figurine I gave you? Raymond, I gave Debra a figurine.' 'Ma!'
Tracy Observational Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Jack: The first Jessup moved to this country in 1760 to avoid an embarrassing regifting incident.
Jack Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Historical Jessups: But, my lord, I gave you these dueling pistols last yuletide. / Yes, of course. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Jack: What is she, an Egyptian crocodile? 'Cause she is in 'denial.'
Jack Wordplay/Pun Setup/Punchline Jack: I've had two coffees.
Jack Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Kenneth: most people think of Valentine's Day as a celebration of the burning of a catholic loudmouth, but it's also about love. And escort prices going way up.
Kenneth Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Hazel: I managed a haunted house upstate. But, as you know, the haunted house industry is a real boys' club.
Hazel Absurdist Character Comedy Hazel: living at a 24 hour fitness
Hazel Character Comedy Absurdist Tracy · Hazel: To test unapproved Japanese medications on. / Swallow. / Good girl. / Now, let me know if all your pubic hair falls out. / Oh, my God! / Oh, no, that's what it's supposed to do. I want to make sure it doesn't cause seizures.
Jenna · Kenneth: Sorry to crash this sausage party... / Unnecessary.
Jenna: Sebastian, the producer of America's kidz got singing, OD'd last night in Guy Fieri's apartment.
Jenna Absurdist Observational Pete: Actually, Paula didn't want to do anything for Valentine's, so she's just going out to dinner with her tennis instructor, mark.
Pete Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jenna: No, Paul's been performing on a transvestite cruise for the last month. It's called 'Caribbean queens' for emphasize 'No more love on the run'.
Jenna Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Jenna: Billy Ocean is furious, and very litigious. But he's powerless as long as they stay in international waters.
Jenna Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch Frank: Ikea's where I used to go pick up newly-single vulnerable chicks. I've gotten women there two, three points hotter than me. So, you know...fours.
Frank Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Liz: 'Saint lame-entine's nay'
Liz Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Frank: It's like when Mickey Rourke tested his catapult on me.
Frank Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jenna: We'll take a pube count, but it doesn't feel worth it.
Jenna Callback Cringe/Discomfort Callback Jack: And what race were those mannequins, because their skin was gray. They were like faceless sex aliens.
Jack Absurdist Character Comedy Diana · Jack: According to your Christmas letter, Avery is in Asia on business. / You know that she was kidnapped by the north Korean secret police. / Don't be vulgar.
Jack: I'm sorry, but who is this 'we' you keep referring to? Your husband has been dead for 15 years.
Jack Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Diana: Wonderful news. You know our pacing horse, squanto? She's foaling in the spring.
Diana Reaction Beat Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jack: extracting an American from North Korea is a, uh... / Oh. / Is a lot more difficult than organizing a round-Robin paddle tennis tournament.
Jack Character Comedy Escalation Diana: What about organizing three round-Robin paddle tennis tournaments? / I heard that one of them was a disaster. / Who told you that? Bebe Butler? Oh, she's trying to destroy me.
Diana Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jack: Mein herr, meine frau Avery Jessup... Kim Jong-II vuvuzela Charlize Theron... Boomerang my Sheila back to her Joey, mate.
Jack Absurdist Physical/Slapstick ★ Rewatch Jack: The U.N. is a useless organization, with a ridiculous army. Robin's egg blue helmets? Great camouflage, if you're invading an easter egg hunt.
Jack Observational Setup/Punchline Jack: First of all, why do you want flies?
Diana: Strewth, what a bull-dingered Valentine's Day. / Oh, and Jack? I speak Australian.
Diana Callback Misdirection ★ Rewatch Callback Criss: Unless you count that time when the goose chased you into the Central Park boat pond.
Criss Character Comedy Physical/Slapstick Criss · Unknown shoppers · Liz: I like myself. I have good taste in drapes. / I wish I'd died on Iwo Jima and never met you. / Whoa. What was that? / Not us.
Unknown shoppers: I just got my period. / I swear to God, I will stab you!
Criss: So tense. Just like my mom's back.
Criss Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Tracy · Frank: In 48 years, I haven't had one good Valentine's. / Man, if I weren't with Lynn now we could team up. Valentine's Day is the perfect time to meet vulnerable women. It's scumbag Christmas!
Tracy Frank Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Frank: Look, guys like us have to pick low-hanging fruit. We look like Far side drawings.
Frank Observational ★ Rewatch Frank: Cat shelters, blood banks, the ice cream stand at a Celtic woman concert... And we strike.
Frank Escalation Character Comedy Frank: Another good place is the beauty salon, where white girls try to do black hair. Sisters come out crying, feeling all bad about themselves, and we walk up on them all, 'Hey, baby, what's wrong?'
Frank Observational Character Comedy Frank: Then after we watch Fievel goes west, we're gonna get you some action.
Jenna: It's not some rinky-dink late night show that a bald idiot produces.
TV announcer: Jenna Maroney's singing live, and all of America is just waiting for that [bleep] To get [bleep] over and over and over again with a [bleep].
Jenna: if tonight isn't a huge 'jiumph', which is short for 'Jenna triumph'
Jenna Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jenna: I attacked Nancy Kerrigan.
Jenna Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch UN Official: And I also wish you, a 'bear-y' happy Valentine's Day.
Jack · UN Official: Do you see a 14 on my watch? / Yes, it's the date.
UN Official: New Jersey. I'm just a weirdo.
Diana: We both married much, much older men, which can be hard, or, more often, flaccid.
Diana Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive Jack: 'Maybe we sit quietly and read our, uh, soccer magazine.'
Jack Visual Gag Observational Kenneth · Hazel: Three feet, two feet, it says he's right on top of us. / Oh! / Oh, my God, my face. / Oh! Oh! / He's mating with my mouth.
Frank: Go to a strip club on Father's Day, and shout things like, 'I'm proud of you!'
Frank Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Frank: I would go to the swimsuit section and switch the tags. I'd take a size six and put a size twelve sticker on it. And then some thick girl would try to squeeze into it, and come out of the dressing room like, 'I've gotten bigger. Why do I even bother dieting?' And I'm all like, 'Hey, baby, what's wrong?'
Frank Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Hazel: I did 'watchers' to stay pageant-fit, but it was too much math for a six-year-old.
Hazel Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Hazel: Thank God I found cigarettes.
Hazel Dark/Subversive Escalation Frank · Woman · Tracy: Oh, baby, did someone throw cereal on you? Let's get you out of these wet clothes. / Oh, what is wrong with you people? / Whatever. Jeremy says she's a tease anyway.
Criss: Look, salt and pepper shakers. You put them together, it makes a heart. Take them apart, two red sperms.
Criss Observational Visual Gag Criss: What's with the 'neggy' vibes, jeez.
Criss Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy UN Official: First things first. I am from Transylvania, but I am not a vampire. I'm just a night owl with a terrible garlic allergy.
UN Official: So, this is regarding that boy who went missing in my castle?
Diana: Well that is just the beginning, you...penis!
Diana Character Comedy Escalation Diana: This isn't some idiotic civil war in some country without oil. This is my favorite daughter. And she is a beautiful white American.
Diana Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Jack · UN Official: I can see to it that Transylvania never sees another episode of Friends. / No! Monica and Chandler just slept together in London.
UN Official: Every time he says he's not hungry when we collect money for pizza, and then he eats, like, three slices.
Jack: at Monica and Chandler's wedding, Rachel's the one who is pregnant.
Jack Callback Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Criss · Liz: I don't know if I'm feeling it, you know? / What about this idea? I know a guy who cuts glass... / No. I took measurements, I looked at colors, we came here. This is the plan.
Liz · Criss: We are not letting this table be a metaphor for our relationship. That's what Ikea wants us to do. / I'm just not sure my chair wants to be with this table. / Why, because deep down your chair would rather be with other chairs?
Liz Criss Meta/Self-Referential Escalation ★ Rewatch Liz: Well, it's just the table thinks the chair takes too many camping trips with Richard.
Liz Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jack: 'No, you were wonderful. The way your eyes went dead, just like Avery's.'
Jack Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Diana: In 1978, I was in Playboy, just wearing a necktie and holding hands with a black girl.
Diana Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Jack: Those incredible cheekbones, like an evil Disney queen.
Jack Character Comedy Observational Diana: You are not some liver-spotted old man constantly spilling hot tea in his lap until his whole crotch was useless. Useless!
Diana Character Comedy Escalation Diana · Jack: Your hair, like a lion's mane. My eyes, like two pools of ice water. / The bats are long and hard. / The gloves are girls. / Balls! / Jeter's thighs in those pants.
Tracy: You know, it's funny. If those teeth were in your vagina, you'd be considered a monster.
Tracy Absurdist Dark/Subversive Doctor: Unfortunately, there's no field of medicine that deals with the brain.
Doctor: 'Unfortunately, there's no field of medicine that deals with the brain. But, I can give you a pamphlet for a cult.'
Hazel: Pressure is trying to pass for four when you just turned seven, at the 'Miss Toddler Panama city' pageant. You're crammed into the same five-inch heels you wore the year before, blood pooling in your toes.
Hazel Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Hazel: Pressure is performing on a party boat that catches on fire, your throat burning from the smoke. You still sing so beautifully that it calms the passengers, so that you and the crew can escape.
Hazel Escalation Character Comedy Hazel: Is singing the Yemeni national anthem while a handsome but ruthless general pushes a scimitar into your neck, Kristin Chenoweth's corpse at your feet.
Hazel Escalation Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Liz · Criss: This is why you don't just choose one option. / No, this is why you don't waste 45 minutes wandering around the 'Valentine's marketplace.'
Liz: Valentine's is the worst! It's even worse than earth day. You just see so many dirty feet in sandals.
Liz Character Comedy Observational Criss: Well what race am I supposed to check? We all come from Africa.
Criss Observational Character Comedy Ikea employee: That's why I get out of the nidurgangur in the morning.
Hazel: Last night, I dreamed a baby ate my hair.
Hazel Absurdist Character Comedy Diana: These days, it's just a boom box and a guy in a crab costume. He gets shot out of a Cannon at Ravens Games.
Diana Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch Jack: My taxes are paying for your healthcare! Do a sit-up!
Jack Character Comedy Observational Tracy: Yesterday, I ate all the cheese out of the mouse traps.
Tracy Absurdist Character Comedy Postal worker: You're gonna tell me about black lady hair, you 'Louie Anderson' little bitch?
Announcer: Peter Hornberger, a shoo-in for this Olympic squad, about to arch. You're going to want to watch this, folks, so put down your Rubik's cube, turn off that Yakov Smirnoff standup tape, and set all your swatches to right now.
