Hey, Baby, Whats Wrong? (1)

Criss:Criss's Valentine's song with placeholder chorus: '# and the chorus goes here / yeah this is where the chorus goes #' and '# I didn't have time to write it / but the chorus goes here #'

Liz:Liz says she prefers to celebrate 'the 1920 founding of the League of Women Voters in Chicago, Illinois. Interesting fact: They were supposed to meet on the 13th, but they all got lost, so...'

Criss · Liz:Criss proposes dinner at home with 'mashed potatoes in a Martini glass, we'll open some of that wine we didn't give the super for Christmas because you decided it would come off as racist. Oh, I'm glad we gave him those G.E.D. books instead.'

Criss · Liz:'We'll play the soundtrack to Major League.' / 'You're making fun of me, but that love song is awesome.'

Liz · Bon Jovi:Liz says she is '0 for 40 on Valentine's Day.' Cut to: 'I will waste you! You'll have to go through this old bastard first! Bon Jovi.'

Jack · Liz:Jack approaches Liz and uses his dead mother as a Valentine's pitch: 'you know, my mom did just die. Will you be my Valentine?'

Tracy:Tracy's response to Jack's Valentine pitch: 'I just realized I'm gay.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack explains his extra energy from Avery's absence: 'My animus has become pent up.' Tracy: 'Why don't you just come out and say you haven't had mommy-daddy sheet monster times.' Jack: 'I'm not about to cheat on the woman I love, and I've never mommy-daddy sheet monstered myself.'

Tracy:'Never? Not even during the Love Boat reunion?'

Jack:Jack's Valentine's Day flashback: 'We're not going to Chili's until I hit one.' Golf ball hits him in the crotch. 'I would kill to get hit in the crotch by a baseball today.'

Jack:Jack explaining his mother-in-law situation: 'The first Jessup moved to this country in 1760 to avoid an embarrassing regifting incident.'

Pete:Pete on mother-in-laws: 'I've never had a mother-in-law, but I have seen Everybody Loves Raymond' — then launches into spot-on impression of Raymond's mother dynamic

Jack:Jack's 'denial' pun: 'What is she, an Egyptian crocodile? 'Cause she is in denial.' Then: 'I've had two coffees.'

Jack · Tracy:Elevator scene: Jack is telling Tracy his plan to give Valentine's a second chance, then the elevator opens and cuts the conversation off with 'What a shame. It felt like we were just getting started.' / '"Ma!"'

Hazel:Hazel orientation speech: 'Valentine's Day is a celebration of the burning of a Catholic loudmouth, but it's also about love. And escort prices going way up.'

Hazel:Hazel's backstory: 'I managed a haunted house upstate. But, as you know, the haunted house industry is a real boys' club.'

Jenna · Hazel:Jenna uses Hazel to test 'unapproved Japanese medications.' 'Swallow. Good girl. Now let me know if all your pubic hair falls out.' / 'Oh, my God!' / 'Oh, no, that's what it's supposed to do. I want to make sure it doesn't cause seizures.'

Pete · Jenna:Pete reports Sebastian the producer 'OD'd last night in Guy Fieri's apartment.' Jenna: 'Oh, my God, that's terrible.' Pete: 'Terrible for me.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'I'm having Sebastian's lucky earring sent from the morgue. Wear it.'

Jenna:Paul is on 'a transvestite cruise for the last month. It's called Caribbean Queens — for emphasis, No More Love on the Run.'

Jenna:'Billy Ocean is furious, and very litigious. But he's powerless as long as they stay in international waters.'

Frank:Frank on picking up women at Ikea: 'I've gotten women there two, three points hotter than me. So, you know...fours.'

Liz:Liz coins 'Saint lame-entine's nay' and immediately says 'Oh, honey, that sucks.'

Liz · Jack:Liz says 'We better be able to survive a simple trip to Ikea.' Jack/colleague: 'No, Liz, don't test it. Especially this early in a relationship. It's like when Mickey Rourke tested his catapult on me.'

Kenneth · Jenna:Kenneth gives Jenna a pube count update: 'We'll take a pube count, but it doesn't feel worth it.'

Jack:Jack's golf frustration aside: 'Maybe I'm hitting them too hard. And I should not have walked past that sporting goods store where the mannequins have nipples. And what race were those mannequins, because their skin was gray. They were like faceless sex aliens.'

Diana · Jack:Diana talks to her dead husband: 'Wonderful news. You know our pacing horse, squanto? She's foaling in the spring.' Jack: 'Your husband has been dead for 15 years.'

Diana · Jack:Diana: 'What about organizing three round-Robin paddle tennis tournaments?' / 'I heard that one of them was a disaster.' / 'Who told you that? Bebe Butler? Oh, she's trying to destroy me.'

Jack:Jack's UN speech failures: 'Mein herr, meine frau Avery Jessup... Kim Jong-Il vuvuzela / Charlize Theron... Boomerang my Sheila back to her Joey, mate.'

Jack:Jack: 'The U.N. is a useless organization, with a ridiculous army. Robin's egg blue helmets? Great camouflage, if you're invading an easter egg hunt.'

Diana:Diana delivers a perfect Australian insult: 'Strewth, what a bull-dingered Valentine's Day.' Then: 'Oh, and Jack? I speak Australian.'

Liz · Criss · Ikea Couple:Liz and Criss pass a fighting couple in Ikea: 'I wish I'd died on Iwo Jima and never met you.' Criss: 'Whoa. What was that?' Liz: 'Not us.'

Liz:Liz says 'I just got my period' mid-conversation as a non-sequitur

Stranger · Liz · Criss:After tension between Liz and Criss in Ikea, a stranger says 'So tense. Just like my mom's back.' Then immediately: 'I'm going back to those cute bowls.' / 'I swear to God, I will stab you!'

Tracy:Tracy's Valentine's Day pickup philosophy: 'Valentine's Day is the perfect time to meet vulnerable women. It's scumbag Christmas!'

Tracy:Tracy lists vulnerable women locations: 'Cat shelters, blood banks, the ice cream stand at a Celtic woman concert... And we strike.'

Tracy:Tracy's beauty salon strategy: 'We go to the beauty salon where white girls try to do black hair. Sisters come out crying, feeling all bad about themselves, and we walk up on them all, Hey, baby, what's wrong?'

Tracy:Tracy on Lutz's romantic prospects: 'After we watch Fievel Goes West, we're gonna get you some action.'

Jenna:Jenna's paranoid rant about America's Kidz Got Singing: 'It's not some rinky-dink late night show that a bald idiot produces.' Then: 'Tomorrow night on America's Kidz Got Singing, the judge becomes the opposite of the judge.'

Jenna:Jenna coins 'jiumph' — 'which is short for Jenna triumph' — as a word that needs to happen tonight.

UN Bureaucrat · Jack:Jack and Diana at the UN: The UN bureaucrat says 'Yes, your excellency. And I also wish you, a bear-y happy Valentine's Day.' He holds up a bear.

Jack · Diana:Jack looks at his watch, sees '14' (the date), says 'Do you see a 14 on my watch? / Yes, it's the date. Happy Valentine's Day. That's cute.'

Diana · Jack:Jack: 'I've organized several dog and pony shows, and I'm offended by what you're implying.' Diana takes offense at Jack's metaphor; she literally organizes dog and pony shows.

Diana:Diana: 'We both married much, much older men, which can be hard, or, more often, flaccid.'

Kenneth · Hazel:The GPS tracker for Tracy's lizard Jeremy says he's inside the room — and the lizard is attached to Hazel's face, 'mating with my mouth.'

Tracy:Tracy's Father's Day strip club tip: 'Go to a strip club on Father's Day, and shout things like, I'm proud of you!'

Tracy:Tracy's department store swimsuit switcheroo: switching size-6 tags to size-12, then consoling the woman who comes out thinking she's gotten bigger with 'Hey, baby, what's wrong?'

Jenna:Jenna on Weight Watchers: 'I did Watchers to stay pageant-fit, but it was too much math for a six-year-old. Thank God I found cigarettes.'

Tracy:Tracy demonstrates making a woman feel vulnerable by throwing a bowl of cereal on a woman and asking 'Oh, baby, did someone throw cereal on you? Let's get you out of these wet clothes.'

Tracy · Woman:The woman rejects Tracy's cereal pickup: 'What is wrong with you people?' Tracy: 'Whatever. Jeremy says she's a tease anyway.'

Criss:Liz finds salt-and-pepper shakers: 'You put them together, it makes a heart. Take them apart, two red sperms.'

Transylvanian Consul:Transylvanian consul: 'I am from Transylvania, but I am not a vampire. I'm just a night owl with a terrible garlic allergy. So, this is regarding that boy who went missing in my castle?'

Diana:Diana: 'So why the fudge isn't everyone fudging freaking the fudge out!'

Jack · Transylvanian Consul:Jack threatens the consul: 'I am a very powerful man. I can see to it that Transylvania never sees another episode of Friends. / No! Monica and Chandler just slept together in London.'

Jack:Jack's Friends spoiler as negotiating weapon: 'Oh, and Cjokula — at Monica and Chandler's wedding, Rachel's the one who is pregnant.'

Criss · Liz:Ikea table fight becomes a relationship metaphor: 'Maybe a more fun table would be a better table for me.' 'Well, maybe a more fun table wouldn't be as supportive.' 'No no no, we are not letting this table be a metaphor for our relationship. That's what Ikea WANTS us to do.'

Liz · Criss:The table metaphor fight: Liz and Criss argue about the table being 'uptight' vs. 'fun', then: 'I'm just not sure my chair wants to be with this table.' / 'Why, because deep down your chair would rather be with other chairs?'

Liz:Liz: 'Well, it's just the table thinks the chair takes too many camping trips with Richard.'

Criss:Liz and Criss walk through the Ikea warehouse and Criss sees a T-shirt: 'Seriously? Zoo York.'

Criss:Criss: 'Seriously? Zoo York.' — reacting to something Liz is wearing in Ikea

Jenna · Pete:Jenna refuses a live band: 'I have made love to Alfonso, he can't keep rhythm, get him out of here.' / 'That's a wrap on Alfonso. Alfonso Disparioso, everybody.'

Jenna:Jenna to herself in the mirror: 'This is your moment. The world breathes for you. I love you, myself.'

Jenna · Pete:Jenna mouths along to her own playback but isn't singing — her mouth moves but no sound. Pete: 'Jenna, you're not singing.' Jenna: 'Yes, I am.'

Jack · Diana:Jack: 'I didn't know you had that in you. Yosemite Sam was based on my grandfather, so yes, I do have a temper.'

Diana:Diana: 'In 1978, I was in Playboy, just wearing a necktie and holding hands with a black girl.'

Jack:Jack apologizes for comparing Diana to her late husband — 'You are not some liver-spotted old man constantly spilling hot tea in his lap until his whole crotch was useless. Useless!'

Jack · Diana:Jack and Diana try to talk about baseball to defuse sexual tension: '- The bats are long and hard. - The gloves are girls. - Balls! - Jeter's thighs in those pants. New topic.'

Dentist:Dentist examines Jenna: 'If those teeth were in your vagina, you'd be considered a monster.'

Doctor:Doctor to Jenna: 'Unfortunately, there's no field of medicine that deals with the brain. But I can give you a pamphlet for a cult.'

Jenna:Jenna's 'pressure' speech: 'Pressure is trying to pass for four when you just turned seven, at the Miss Toddler Panama City pageant... crammed into the same five-inch heels you wore the year before, blood pooling in your toes. But you know if you don't win, mom can't fix the hole in the gator fence, so you'll be up all night, stabbing gators.'

Jenna:Jenna continues the pressure speech: '...your throat burning from the smoke. You still sing so beautifully that it calms the passengers, so that you and the crew can escape.'

Jenna:Jenna's final pressure definition: 'Singing the Yemeni national anthem while a handsome but ruthless general pushes a scimitar into your neck, Kristin Chenoweth's corpse at your feet.'

Pete · Jenna:Pete and Jenna staring at each other: 'Well, there's something weird going on here. You feel that sexual energy too?' / 'I mean, but... it would be wrong to act on it.' / 'Well, it's 5:00 somewhere.'

Liz · Criss:The Kurtz table is sold out. Criss: 'This is why you don't just choose one option.' Liz: 'No, this is why you don't waste 45 minutes wandering around the Valentine's marketplace.'

Liz:Liz: 'Valentine's is the worst! It's even worse than Earth Day. You just see so many dirty feet in sandals.'

Liz · Criss:Liz: 'You didn't finish law school, it's why you still aren't done filling out your 2010 census.' Criss: 'Well what race am I supposed to check? We all come from Africa.'

Criss:Criss (to Liz, in the fight): 'You have no kids. The only thing you like about your job is taking home free sodas.'

Criss · Ikea Employee:Criss: 'That's why I get out of the nidurgangur in the morning.' Ikea employee: 'It's one of our cheaper beds.'

Kenneth:Kenneth tells Hazel she made a big mistake by not thanking Tracy for throwing milk at her: 'Tracy Jordan threw milk at you, and you didn't even thank him?'

Kenneth:Kenneth explains the page program mascot: 'Pagey, a piece of paper.'

Hazel:Hazel on fame: 'Look at Foxy Knoxy. What did she ever do besides not kill anybody?'

Hazel:Hazel: 'I could have a fragrance, or a line of children's handbags, or be in a reality show with other kooky dumb sluts.'

Hazel:Hazel: 'Last night, I dreamed a baby ate my hair.'

Kenneth:Kenneth hands Hazel 'page underwear that has been handed down, page to page, for over 70 years.'

Jack · Diana:Diana and Jack bond over the Baltimore Philharmonic's decline: 'These days, it's just a boom box and a guy in a crab costume. He gets shot out of a cannon at Ravens games.'

Jack · Diana:'Now why would anyone use music written by a man dying of syphilis to sell douches.' / 'Because people are getting stupider.'

Jack · Diana:Jack/Diana contrast Schubert's accomplishments at 31 with a passing obese man: 'Think how much Schubert accomplished in the 31 years he was alive. Coming through. And then there's, uh, this guy. My taxes are paying for your healthcare! Do a sit-up!'

Lutz:Lutz: 'Yesterday, I ate all the cheese out of the mouse traps.'

Lutz · Postal Worker:'Hey, baby, what's wrong?' — Lutz tries the line; the woman he approaches is actually a postal worker who just made a delivery and destroys him: 'You're gonna tell me about black lady hair, you Louie Anderson little bitch? Run!'

Criss · Store Employee:Criss in a lingerie store: 'Are you shopping for someone? Do you know what size she is? / No. I don't know. Maybe. No.' / 'I see. It's okay. I have an Uncle who uses my discount here all the time.'

Announcer · Pete:Pete's 1982 archery flashback: '...so put down your Rubik's cube, turn off that Yakov Smirnoff standup tape, and set all your swatches to right now. [Pete shoots] I've been shot! Someone run into town and find a payphone!'

Pete · Jenna:Pete and Jenna's yips 'cure': 'Okay, we don't have a lot of time. So, maybe just by acknowledging the problem, we fixed it? I think we did. I'm cured!'

Jenna:Jenna's cure fails: '#Just you and I / It's worse. I can't open my mouth.'

Restaurant Owner:Italian restaurant owner: 'You are like pasta, and a mouth.' / 'The only but we speak of tonight, is the butt of the human ass.'

Restaurant Owner:The restaurant has 'a unisex bathroom, with, come si dice, no lock, and extra mirrors.'

Frank:Lutz in Ikea parking lot, Frank's backstory: 'Back in the day, you know how many women me and Lamar Odom's dad picked up here? And keep in mind, back then this was a marsh, where people came to shoot at fish.'

Lutz · Frank · Liz:Lutz hits on Liz with 'Hey, baby, what's wrong?' Liz's reaction; Frank: 'About time. The last six years has been like watching Moonlighting.'

Liz · Lutz:Liz's realization: 'I'm female Lutz.' Lutz: 'I love you too.' Liz: 'No, I mean... I'm my own worst enemy.' / 'Also I menstruate a lot.'

Frank · Liz:Liz: 'You want to know the reason why Lutz is alone? Lutz! And Dollhouse penis syndrome.' Lutz's horrified reaction.

Liz:Liz's realization complaints: 'Oh, realizations are the worst.'

Frank · Tracy · Lutz:Frank's Valentine's payoff: 'Worse than me trying to send a fax.' / 'I spent Valentine's with friends. / We are work acquaintances at best. At worst, we are rivals who inspire and try to make each other better.'

Tracy:Tracy's Valentine's obligation reveal: 'Right now, Angie's in a hotel room dressed as a clown. And I'm supposed to get into an elephant costume and interview her for a job at the circus.'

Tracy · Frank · Lutz:'Now let's go get some tiny meatballs.' / 'Meatballs, here we come!' / 'Meatballs!'

Jack · Liz:Jack's confession to Liz: 'I want to have sex with Avery's mother.' / 'No! You can't do that.' / 'And come on, didn't our friends the ancient Olmecs bed both mother and daughter to satisfy their Jaguar gods? And everybody loves them.'

Jack · Liz:Liz walking up stairs while on phone with Jack: 'Just hearing your labored breathing while you walk up stairs has purged me of all sexual desire.'

Criss · Liz:Criss's ringtone: 'My ringtone is the sounds of cooking. Which is perfect, because I love cooking. But when I'm cooking...'

Jack:Jack: 'Lemon, please hang up. I can't listen to any more of this.'

Liz:Liz: 'I stopped shopping at Kmart because I found out that Kathy Ireland didn't design any of her signature socks.'

Criss · Liz:Criss reveals the table he built from 'fallen tree branches from Riverside Park' — where they first met — topped with a Herman Cain poster found in a dumpster.

Liz · Criss:Liz: 'But how are we ever going to break up?' Criss: 'I don't know, maybe we never will. Maybe we'll still be celebrating Valentine's together 100 years from now.' Liz: 'Do you think our ape overlords will let us?'

Criss · Liz:The table Criss made: 'I gathered fallen tree branches from Riverside Park. That's where we first met.' / 'Yeah. And the top is a Herman Cain poster I found in a dumpster.'

Hazel · Liz:Hazel the page delivers a package to Liz's apartment, is amazed by Liz's life: 'You're the head writer of TGS? But you're so beautiful.' / 'Charlie what now?' / 'I love your brown hair. It's so bouncy, like the after picture in a lice ad.'

Liz:Liz on her hair: 'Thank you. It's from intermittent washing.'

Delivery Man · Liz:Package delivery man to Liz: 'But you're so beautiful.' Then: 'I love your brown hair. It's so bouncy, like the "after" picture in a lice ad.'

Hazel:Hazel's reaction to Liz's apartment: 'Holy Moly, there's stairs? And a dining room table? Is this your boyfriend? He made me dinner? Mashed potatoes in a Martini glass. Who are you, the president? Of France?'

Hazel · Liz:Hazel: 'You are an inspiration, Liz Lemon. I am an inspiration.' Liz: 'I like her.' Hazel (leaving): 'I want your life. And I will have it.'

Child Jenna · Jenna's Mother:Jenna's pageant nightmare flashback: 'These shoes hurt, mommy.' Mother: 'Good. Focus on the pain, not on the fact that if you lose, I'm gonna pour acid on your Barbies.'

Pete · Jenna:Pete's archery epiphany: He shoots an arrow at Jenna across the stage to give her pain — and it works.

Pete:Pete's yips breakthrough: He realizes he needs to hurt Jenna 'but she's all the way over there. How could I possibly...' — then shoots her with an arrow from across the studio.

Audience Members:Audience reaction to Jenna's performance: 'Is she bleeding? It looks like an arrow wound.'

Diana · Herb:Diana introduces her date: 'I'd like for you to meet... someone I saw fighting with a dog outside a liquor store. I'm Herb. 'Cause you are what you smoke, right Jackie?'

Herb:Herb: 'Hey, where's the head? We're in mixed company, but let's just say I've got to go wreck your toilet.'

Herb:Jack: 'Why is this bathroom full of wine bottles?'

Jack · Diana:Jack and Diana's near-kiss breaks into Jack passing her meatballs: '- Oh, baby. - Oh, yes. - Yes! - Oh, that's good. - Oh, yes. - Oh, yeah, don't stop. - Oh, just like that. - Yeah, baby! - Oh. Oh, yeah!'

Criss · Liz:Just as Liz wants to have sex: 'Finally, I can say, happy Valen— Ow! My legs! Aah! This get me out of sex.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna to Liz: 'Oh, my God, Liz. We're wearing the exact same lipstick.' / 'Looks better on you, of course.' / 'I wish I could just cut those lips right off and wear them.'