Hey, Baby, Whats Wrong? (1)

# and the chorus goes here / # yeah this is where the chorus goes # / # I didn't have time to write it / # but the chorus goes here

But you're a lady. Right?

What I like to celebrate on February 14th? The 1920 founding of the league of women voters in Chicago, Illinois. Interesting fact: They were supposed to meet on the 13th, but they all got lost, so...

Good morning, everybody. I'm hanging out with my friend, John. Fox 5 morning news starts... Look over there. And it starts right now. Oh, boy.

Mashed potatoes in a Martini glass, we'll open some of that wine we didn't give the super for Christmas because you decided it would come off as racist.

Oh, I'm glad we gave him those G.E.D. books instead.

I am 0 for 40 on Valentine's Day.

I will waste you! You'll have to go through this old bastard first! Bon Jovi.

Uh, Liz, you know, my mom did just die. Will you be my Valentine?

I just realized I'm gay.

If this is going to be 'unterrible' for the first time ever

Well, you know, for thousands of years Japanese diners have used traditional tatami mats... Whoa, okay, no, no, no.

We, as a couple, are going to Ikea.

Release some energy. / Are we talking about something gross? / My animus has become pent up.

'mommy-daddy sheet monster times' / I've never 'mommy-daddy sheet monstered' myself.

Never? Not even during the Love Boat reunion?

We're not going to chili's until I hit one.

I would kill to get hit in the crotch by a baseball today.

Oh, no. I've never had a mother-in-law, but I have seen Everybody loves Raymond. 'Debra, where's the figurine I gave you? Raymond, I gave Debra a figurine.' 'Ma!'

The first Jessup moved to this country in 1760 to avoid an embarrassing regifting incident.

But, my lord, I gave you these dueling pistols last yuletide. / Yes, of course. Now, if you'll excuse me.

What is she, an Egyptian crocodile? 'Cause she is in 'denial.'

I've had two coffees.

most people think of Valentine's Day as a celebration of the burning of a catholic loudmouth, but it's also about love. And escort prices going way up.

I managed a haunted house upstate. But, as you know, the haunted house industry is a real boys' club.

living at a 24 hour fitness

To test unapproved Japanese medications on. / Swallow. / Good girl. / Now, let me know if all your pubic hair falls out. / Oh, my God! / Oh, no, that's what it's supposed to do. I want to make sure it doesn't cause seizures.

Sorry to crash this sausage party... / Unnecessary.

Sebastian, the producer of America's kidz got singing, OD'd last night in Guy Fieri's apartment.

Actually, Paula didn't want to do anything for Valentine's, so she's just going out to dinner with her tennis instructor, mark.

No, Paul's been performing on a transvestite cruise for the last month. It's called 'Caribbean queens' for emphasize 'No more love on the run'.

Billy Ocean is furious, and very litigious. But he's powerless as long as they stay in international waters.

Ikea's where I used to go pick up newly-single vulnerable chicks. I've gotten women there two, three points hotter than me. So, you know...fours.

'Saint lame-entine's nay'

It's like when Mickey Rourke tested his catapult on me.

We'll take a pube count, but it doesn't feel worth it.

And what race were those mannequins, because their skin was gray. They were like faceless sex aliens.

According to your Christmas letter, Avery is in Asia on business. / You know that she was kidnapped by the north Korean secret police. / Don't be vulgar.

I'm sorry, but who is this 'we' you keep referring to? Your husband has been dead for 15 years.

Wonderful news. You know our pacing horse, squanto? She's foaling in the spring.

extracting an American from North Korea is a, uh... / Oh. / Is a lot more difficult than organizing a round-Robin paddle tennis tournament.

What about organizing three round-Robin paddle tennis tournaments? / I heard that one of them was a disaster. / Who told you that? Bebe Butler? Oh, she's trying to destroy me.

Mein herr, meine frau Avery Jessup... Kim Jong-II vuvuzela Charlize Theron... Boomerang my Sheila back to her Joey, mate.

The U.N. is a useless organization, with a ridiculous army. Robin's egg blue helmets? Great camouflage, if you're invading an easter egg hunt.

First of all, why do you want flies?

Strewth, what a bull-dingered Valentine's Day. / Oh, and Jack? I speak Australian.

Unless you count that time when the goose chased you into the Central Park boat pond.

I like myself. I have good taste in drapes. / I wish I'd died on Iwo Jima and never met you. / Whoa. What was that? / Not us.

I just got my period. / I swear to God, I will stab you!

So tense. Just like my mom's back.

In 48 years, I haven't had one good Valentine's. / Man, if I weren't with Lynn now we could team up. Valentine's Day is the perfect time to meet vulnerable women. It's scumbag Christmas!

Look, guys like us have to pick low-hanging fruit. We look like Far side drawings.

Cat shelters, blood banks, the ice cream stand at a Celtic woman concert... And we strike.

Another good place is the beauty salon, where white girls try to do black hair. Sisters come out crying, feeling all bad about themselves, and we walk up on them all, 'Hey, baby, what's wrong?'

Then after we watch Fievel goes west, we're gonna get you some action.

It's not some rinky-dink late night show that a bald idiot produces.

Jenna Maroney's singing live, and all of America is just waiting for that [bleep] To get [bleep] over and over and over again with a [bleep].

if tonight isn't a huge 'jiumph', which is short for 'Jenna triumph'

I attacked Nancy Kerrigan.

And I also wish you, a 'bear-y' happy Valentine's Day.

Do you see a 14 on my watch? / Yes, it's the date.

New Jersey. I'm just a weirdo.

We both married much, much older men, which can be hard, or, more often, flaccid.

'Maybe we sit quietly and read our, uh, soccer magazine.'

Three feet, two feet, it says he's right on top of us. / Oh! / Oh, my God, my face. / Oh! Oh! / He's mating with my mouth.

Go to a strip club on Father's Day, and shout things like, 'I'm proud of you!'

I would go to the swimsuit section and switch the tags. I'd take a size six and put a size twelve sticker on it. And then some thick girl would try to squeeze into it, and come out of the dressing room like, 'I've gotten bigger. Why do I even bother dieting?' And I'm all like, 'Hey, baby, what's wrong?'

I did 'watchers' to stay pageant-fit, but it was too much math for a six-year-old.

Thank God I found cigarettes.

Oh, baby, did someone throw cereal on you? Let's get you out of these wet clothes. / Oh, what is wrong with you people? / Whatever. Jeremy says she's a tease anyway.

Look, salt and pepper shakers. You put them together, it makes a heart. Take them apart, two red sperms.

What's with the 'neggy' vibes, jeez.

First things first. I am from Transylvania, but I am not a vampire. I'm just a night owl with a terrible garlic allergy.

So, this is regarding that boy who went missing in my castle?

Well that is just the beginning, you...penis!

This isn't some idiotic civil war in some country without oil. This is my favorite daughter. And she is a beautiful white American.

I can see to it that Transylvania never sees another episode of Friends. / No! Monica and Chandler just slept together in London.

Every time he says he's not hungry when we collect money for pizza, and then he eats, like, three slices.

at Monica and Chandler's wedding, Rachel's the one who is pregnant.

I don't know if I'm feeling it, you know? / What about this idea? I know a guy who cuts glass... / No. I took measurements, I looked at colors, we came here. This is the plan.

We are not letting this table be a metaphor for our relationship. That's what Ikea wants us to do. / I'm just not sure my chair wants to be with this table. / Why, because deep down your chair would rather be with other chairs?

Well, it's just the table thinks the chair takes too many camping trips with Richard.

'No, you were wonderful. The way your eyes went dead, just like Avery's.'

In 1978, I was in Playboy, just wearing a necktie and holding hands with a black girl.

Those incredible cheekbones, like an evil Disney queen.

You are not some liver-spotted old man constantly spilling hot tea in his lap until his whole crotch was useless. Useless!

Your hair, like a lion's mane. My eyes, like two pools of ice water. / The bats are long and hard. / The gloves are girls. / Balls! / Jeter's thighs in those pants.

You know, it's funny. If those teeth were in your vagina, you'd be considered a monster.

Unfortunately, there's no field of medicine that deals with the brain.

'Unfortunately, there's no field of medicine that deals with the brain. But, I can give you a pamphlet for a cult.'

Pressure is trying to pass for four when you just turned seven, at the 'Miss Toddler Panama city' pageant. You're crammed into the same five-inch heels you wore the year before, blood pooling in your toes.

Pressure is performing on a party boat that catches on fire, your throat burning from the smoke. You still sing so beautifully that it calms the passengers, so that you and the crew can escape.

Is singing the Yemeni national anthem while a handsome but ruthless general pushes a scimitar into your neck, Kristin Chenoweth's corpse at your feet.

This is why you don't just choose one option. / No, this is why you don't waste 45 minutes wandering around the 'Valentine's marketplace.'

Valentine's is the worst! It's even worse than earth day. You just see so many dirty feet in sandals.

Well what race am I supposed to check? We all come from Africa.

That's why I get out of the nidurgangur in the morning.

Last night, I dreamed a baby ate my hair.

These days, it's just a boom box and a guy in a crab costume. He gets shot out of a Cannon at Ravens Games.

My taxes are paying for your healthcare! Do a sit-up!

Yesterday, I ate all the cheese out of the mouse traps.

You're gonna tell me about black lady hair, you 'Louie Anderson' little bitch?

Peter Hornberger, a shoo-in for this Olympic squad, about to arch. You're going to want to watch this, folks, so put down your Rubik's cube, turn off that Yakov Smirnoff standup tape, and set all your swatches to right now.