Hazel Wassername

you may recognize me from one of my two background acting gigs

Just like my hero, Ivan Drago, from Rocky IV

Did you put peanuts on this? Yeah, it's delicious, hat guy. Ah... I'm allergic!

I managed a haunted house upstate. But, as you know, the haunted house industry is a real boys' club.

living at a 24 hour fitness

To test unapproved Japanese medications on. / Swallow. / Good girl. / Now, let me know if all your pubic hair falls out. / Oh, my God! / Oh, no, that's what it's supposed to do. I want to make sure it doesn't cause seizures.

Three feet, two feet, it says he's right on top of us. / Oh! / Oh, my God, my face. / Oh! Oh! / He's mating with my mouth.

I did 'watchers' to stay pageant-fit, but it was too much math for a six-year-old.

Thank God I found cigarettes.

Pressure is trying to pass for four when you just turned seven, at the 'Miss Toddler Panama city' pageant. You're crammed into the same five-inch heels you wore the year before, blood pooling in your toes.

Pressure is performing on a party boat that catches on fire, your throat burning from the smoke. You still sing so beautifully that it calms the passengers, so that you and the crew can escape.

Is singing the Yemeni national anthem while a handsome but ruthless general pushes a scimitar into your neck, Kristin Chenoweth's corpse at your feet.

Last night, I dreamed a baby ate my hair.

It's the tail I had until I was 16

I'll take care of Tracy and Jenna like they're my own children. Which is a bad example, because I left my kids at a sears in 2004

The U.S. Rodeo Association does not lift lifetime bans

Oh, Michael Jackson's ghost... / Oh, Great Kabbalah monster...

I killed Jenna elfman. / Is that right?

Jenna thinks that Christina Aguilera lost her voice during childbirth

Why don't we drive to Sears? I'll buy you a toy

After you PMS-ed about their names yesterday, I thought numbers would make everyone happy

Would a third host help? I am S.A.G. eligible, but I will only do nude stuff if there's a mirror behind me

By starting a fire and then rescuing everyone from it? And then I'm a hero and then I'm Playboy?

Is 70 not a good IQ?

Your rack is like, 'pow!'

And then he had his way with me. With his eyes.

They're all a bunch of gays.

Leslie or courtney?

tracy's jaw is tired from pretending to be pac-man.

You wanna be bossed around by this trailer park hitler?

And you know, I used to weigh 800 pounds.

Like by greeting him at the front door Wearing nothing but false teeth.

If this were two years ago, I would sit on you till you died.

No, kenneth, I let him buy a motorcycle ramp And no motorcycle!

Those are my toes he's sucking on. And he did not want to.

You were teaching me the whole time, And all the while lighting a fire with that hot ass.

Eyes down here, boys. I have breasts, you know.

I bought a groupon for a couples' massage at a resort in the Catskills where Henny Youngman used to take his mistresses

As the doctor said to me after my hepatitis test, 'you got it, sweetheart.'

I've seen people killed with shoes, but never like that

You know what they'd thought when I saw up your skirt. Nice. Someone won the crotch jackpot.

sing Motown together into hairbrushes, have a pair of vintage Jordache jeans that we share

I can't afford a third strike

Liz and I, or 'Lazel,' are really worried about you

Next stop, Hollywood, Florida to get the car from my mom. Next stop, California, pizza kitchen. And tell my old boss, to suck it. Next stop, Tinseltown, because Christmas decorations are really cheap this time of year.

This is New York state bitch, anyone can marry anything now.

I mean, the people there can be a little sexually conservative for my tastes.

Gonna move to the bay area now, pretend that that was your dream the whole time? Have fun always carrying a light sweater.

I look forward to reading your obituary, 'Least famous person in the world dies.'

Oh, God, I had so many husbands.

[Gasps, snorts, groans] / Doris! / Wonderful. See you tonight, roomie.

I'm a natural blonde. / That's insane!

Stop looking at my ass. / Stop pointing your ass at my eyeballs.

It started that way. But then I fell in love with you.

Don't you ever do that again. / [Both moaning]

Yes, and I thought we'd have a little féte chez nous ce soir.

Yes, I'm sort of the black Tyler Perry.

whose most recent credits include running onstage during 'Sister Act'

Well, it's not technically a home, because no one's supposed to be living here, but welcome to our condemned site of the Candyman murders.

If you put this in the oven at about 200 degrees, my snake should be very comfortable while she gives birth.

Oh, I always have one white person in all my movies. We have to have a villain. Oh, and who's worse than us whites, right? I mean, look at slavery. That was bananas!

That sturgeon just will not die. Excuse me a moment. Oh, I also do accents. Oh, me a Cockney person.

So am I. And if he ever wakes up from that coma, I'm dead! That's why I live for today.

Not! What I said was I would never sleep with Tracy for a pan in a movie.

Aah, this is so embarrassing. I accidentally wore my tap shoes today. Well, might as well do my act.

Now imagine I'm wearing underwear.

'Aah, who's there? Please don't hurt me. The safe's in my children's room.'

'Cause I'd rather make like the father I never had and stay.

For instance, someone here sucks on old baby wipes to get the alcohol out of them.

Well, you know what else ticks? A time bomb. So, yeah, Jenna, tick tock.

Well, this morning miss Lemon had one of her meltdowns. Really? About what? Because she can't balance work and personal life. But I mean, after seven years and hundreds of these episodes, it's like, let's move on.

And I wasn't sure how you take your coffee, so mouth or enema?

But what if you do have a kid and you have to leave work because your daughter shot her choir teacher's husband?

No. I got you a mini-freezer, full of candy bars so cold they'll crack your jaw, you bitch.

Sisters helping sisters. Glass ceiling. Legitimate rape.

You just need to know what to say to them, like their children's names and what they wore to school today.

Until I hit puberty and the coaches said I got too pregnant.

Jack Donaghy to see Liz Lemon. Get off this channel! This is a military frequency.

For Halloween, you should go as a slutty ear.

What if those feet were real babies? Would you walk on them to work?

Criss calls it 'old-timey football.'

Why are my arms so weak? It's like I did that push-up last year for nothing.

Oh, Pete roofied me.

You don't even know my real name.

This one's on you, bitch.

His body is just a smooth beige tube with a head.