Hazel Wassername

Hazel:Hazel orientation speech: 'Valentine's Day is a celebration of the burning of a Catholic loudmouth, but it's also about love. And escort prices going way up.'

Hazel:Hazel's backstory: 'I managed a haunted house upstate. But, as you know, the haunted house industry is a real boys' club.'

Jenna · Hazel:Jenna uses Hazel to test 'unapproved Japanese medications.' 'Swallow. Good girl. Now let me know if all your pubic hair falls out.' / 'Oh, my God!' / 'Oh, no, that's what it's supposed to do. I want to make sure it doesn't cause seizures.'

Kenneth · Hazel:The GPS tracker for Tracy's lizard Jeremy says he's inside the room — and the lizard is attached to Hazel's face, 'mating with my mouth.'

Hazel:Hazel on fame: 'Look at Foxy Knoxy. What did she ever do besides not kill anybody?'

Hazel:Hazel: 'I could have a fragrance, or a line of children's handbags, or be in a reality show with other kooky dumb sluts.'

Hazel:Hazel: 'Last night, I dreamed a baby ate my hair.'

Hazel · Liz:Hazel the page delivers a package to Liz's apartment, is amazed by Liz's life: 'You're the head writer of TGS? But you're so beautiful.' / 'Charlie what now?' / 'I love your brown hair. It's so bouncy, like the after picture in a lice ad.'

Hazel:Hazel's reaction to Liz's apartment: 'Holy Moly, there's stairs? And a dining room table? Is this your boyfriend? He made me dinner? Mashed potatoes in a Martini glass. Who are you, the president? Of France?'

Hazel · Liz:Hazel: 'You are an inspiration, Liz Lemon. I am an inspiration.' Liz: 'I like her.' Hazel (leaving): 'I want your life. And I will have it.'

Hazel:I'll take care of Tracy and Jenna like they're my own children. Which is a bad example, because I left my kids at a Sears in 2004.

Kenneth · Hazel:He's only allergic to allergy medication. But he loves it.

Hazel:The U.S. Rodeo Association does not lift lifetime bans.

Hazel:NBC is showing the promo I worked on for the parade! I'm famous.

Hazel:I don't like the way you're talking to me. Why don't we drive to Sears? I'll buy you a toy.

Hazel:Duh! After you PMS-ed about their names yesterday, I thought numbers would make everyone happy.

Pete · Hazel:They're both reading host number one. / Would a third host help? I am SAG eligible, but I will only do nude stuff if there's a mirror behind me.

Hazel:By starting a fire and then rescuing everyone from it? And then I'm a hero and then I'm Playboy?

Hazel:The first car is here for whichever one of you wants to leave first.

Hazel · Kenneth:'What's your problem?' / 'Oh my, well... my parents were technically brothers—' / 'Look, I'm trying to do my job here.'

Hazel · Liz:Hazel bursts through the door yelling 'Krang!' immediately after Liz's Krang rant

Hazel · Liz:Hazel: 'And look at your body. Your rack is like, "pow!"'

Hazel:Kenneth 'undressed her with his eyes' — then: 'And then he had his way with me. With his eyes.'

Liz · Hazel:Liz: 'The male gaze.' Hazel: 'Yeah, they're all a bunch of gays.'

Liz · Hazel:'What do people call women who are tough and ambitious?' / 'Leslie or Courtney?' / 'What? No. A bitch.'

Hazel · Kenneth:Hazel is making Tracy's food easier to eat because 'his jaw is tired from pretending to be Pac-Man'

Hazel · Kenneth:'You think you can push me around just because you have a penis?' / Kenneth: 'I definitely have a penis.'

Hazel:'I'm not delicate. I've been in tons of car wrecks.'

Tracy · Hazel · Kenneth:Tracy: 'Hazel, I just peed this. Could you take care of it for me?' — holding up something (implied urine-adjacent object) mid-argument

Kenneth · Hazel · Tracy:Kenneth launches a 'getting-your-act-together montage' song for Tracy — immediately interrupted by Hazel with a piñata

Hazel · Tracy:Hazel offers Tracy: 'Do you wanna do whatever you want with a sexy, fun bitch who just bought you a piñata?' Tracy: 'Awesome!'

Hazel:Hazel's boyfriend Razmig was 'banging the fattest chick I've ever seen. And you know, I used to weigh 800 pounds.'

Hazel:Hazel's alternative 'mentorship': 'Helping me would be teaching me how to spice things up. Like by greeting him at the front door wearing nothing but false teeth.'

Hazel:'If this were two years ago, I would sit on you till you died.'

Hazel:Hazel took Tracy off his medication — 'I'm not an idiot, Kenneth. I took him off his medication.'

Hazel:Hazel shows Kenneth a Page Six photo: 'Those are my toes he's sucking on. And he did not want to.'

Razmig · Hazel · Liz:Razmig appears: 'What? Who is this, hah-zel? I no permit you talk other woman.' — caricatured Armenian accent and possessive control framed comedically

Razmig · Hazel:Razmig: 'Oh, where is toilet pail? Razmig must make mud.' — Hazel laughs

Hazel:Hazel's garbled summary of Liz's mentorship advice: 'Hazel, you're a beautiful flower. Let yourself bloom. What are you doing this weekend, Hazel? Are there still bath houses? Let's go to one!'

Hazel:'And all the while lighting a fire with that hot ass.' — Hazel to Liz

Liz Lemon · Hazel · Cerie:Liz tells the male writers to keep their eyes down because women are showing skin in warm weather, then tells Hazel to button up and puts Cerie in a 'soup poncho'

Hazel · Liz Lemon:Hazel invites Liz to a couples' massage at a Catskills resort 'where Henny Youngman used to take his mistresses'

Hazel:'As the doctor said to me after my hepatitis test, you got it, sweetheart.'

Hazel · Jenna Maroney:Hazel reveals she engineered all of Jenna's 'curse' accidents: 'It was all me, Jenna. The light, your shoe, the chair, your hand.'

Hazel:Hazel's motive for terrorizing Jenna: she wants to be Liz's best friend — 'sing Motown together into hairbrushes, have a pair of vintage Jordache jeans that we share'

Hazel:'But love has enemies... You.'

Hazel:'I can't afford a third strike.' — Hazel explains why she didn't kill Jenna

Hazel:Hazel's pitch to Jenna: 'Liz and I, or "Lazel," are really worried about you.'

Hazel:Hazel: 'There's a rumor spreading around here like wildfire... But unlike the wildfires I've started, this one doesn't sexually arouse me.'

Hazel:Hazel's escalating fantasy about her plan to get discovered: 'Next stop, Hollywood, Florida to get the car from my mom. Next stop, California Pizza Kitchen. And tell my old boss to suck it. Next stop, Tinseltown, because Christmas decorations are really cheap this time of year.'

Hazel:After the sketch title is announced: 'Ha, take that, The Man!'

Hazel · Tracy:Hazel, in the TGS sketch: 'Prince, do you smell something fishy?' Tracy (as Prince William): 'Who's that dude?'

Hazel:Fine, I'll go first. Since I had to move out of Razmig's place, my living situation's been a little in flux, and obviously I can't go to a homeless shelter. I mean, the people there can be a little sexually conservative for my tastes.

Hazel:Can't hack it in the big city? Gonna move to the bay area now, pretend that that was your dream the whole time? Have fun always carrying a light sweater.

Hazel:I was gonna come in here and cry 'cause I didn't get back into the page program. But instead I'm being brave.

Hazel:I'll have to go back upstate to that cult. Oh, God, I had so many husbands.

Hazel · Jenna:Hazel does an impression of Kenneth for Jenna — gasping, snorting, groaning. Jenna calls out 'Doris!'

Hazel · Jenna:I'm a natural blonde. / That's insane!

Hazel:I'm an aspiring actress whose most recent credits include running onstage during 'Sister Act'.

Hazel:Well, it's not technically a home, because no one's supposed to be living here, but welcome to our condemned site of the Candyman murders.

Tracy · Hazel · Kenneth:Thank you. Your home is terrible. / Shall we conversation? / Yes. We're having weather. / Much weather.

Hazel:Do you ever have any roles for white women who've been described by 'The Hollywood Reporter' as 'some lady who ruined the premiere of ParaNorman'?

Tracy · Hazel:Oh, I always have one white person in all my movies. We have to have a villain. / Oh, and who's worse than us whites, right? I mean, look at slavery. That was bananas!

Hazel:Oh, I also do accents. Oh, me a Cockney person.

Kenneth · Hazel:Oh, but we have government ice cream. / And that's what you're gonna serve to Tracy Jordan? / I'm as shocked as anybody.

Hazel · Tracy:You're a real man, Tracy Jordan. Playing it cool all night while I rubbed your foot under the table. / My foot? / No, that's shoe stuffing. It helps keep the shape of my shoes. / Why was you rubbing my foot, anyway?

Hazel · Tracy:Tracy, I will do anything to play a villain in one of your movies. / Oh, and the camera loves me. Especially when I flash my baby blues. / Why are they blue?

Tracy · Hazel:No! I'm married, Hazel. / So am I. And if he ever wakes up from that coma, I'm dead! That's why I live for today.

Tracy · Hazel:You're just using Kenneth! And I'm telling him everything! / Whatever. Go ahead and try. / I'm gonna have to try?

Tracy · Kenneth · Hazel:Kenneth, I have something I need to tell you. / Last night, when you left, Hazel came on to me 'cause she wants me to put her in a movie. / Hazel, is this true? / Yeah. It is true. / Not!

Tracy · Hazel:Oh, please, you would love for me to fall asleep on top of you. / Come on, Kenmore washers and dryers, who are you gonna believe here?

Hazel · Tracy:Bad move, Jordan. We'll see who's still working here in six months. / My hearing is bad because of firecrackers, but we'll see who's still working here in six months. / That's what I just said. / What?

Hazel:Hazel: 'I accidentally wore my tap shoes today. Well, might as well do my act.'

Hazel:Now imagine I'm wearing underwear.

Hazel:Hazel's comeback: 'I'd rather make like the father I never had and stay.'

Hazel:Hazel's 'time bomb' comeback: 'Well, you know what else ticks? A time bomb. So, yeah, Jenna, tick tock.'

Hazel:Hazel, offering coffee: 'I wasn't sure how you take your coffee, so mouth or enema?'

Hazel · Liz:Hazel: 'I know you're trying to get pregnant because I think about it all the time. You on top, your hair whipping around.'

Hazel:Hazel: 'But what if you do have a kid and you have to leave work because your daughter shot her choir teacher's husband? I mean, that's the kind of stuff my mom had to deal with.'

Hazel:Hazel reveals a mini-freezer 'full of candy bars so cold they'll crack your jaw, you bitch.'

Hazel:Hazel got Liz's health plan to cover surgery by learning 'what to say to them, like their children's names and what they wore to school today.'

Hazel:Hazel's gymnastics backstory: 'I was good until I hit puberty and the coaches said I got too pregnant.'

Hazel · Jack · Liz:Hazel performing as Liz's assistant: intercepting Jack on the intercom — 'Get off this channel! This is a military frequency.' / Jack: 'Jack Donaghy to see Liz Lemon.' / Hazel: 'A Mr. Donaghy here for you.' / Liz: 'You can go in.'

Hazel:Hazel: 'Oh, I would slap you if I didn't think it would lead to a kiss. This is about priorities. What if those feet were real babies? Would you walk on them to work? What kind of mother are you, you beautiful monster?'

Hazel:Hazel: 'Criss calls it [the sweatshirt color] 'old-timey football.''

Hazel · Pete:Hazel's plan unravels: Pete is playing an OLD episode on the feed instead of the live show, while Hazel is about to put herself in the cold open.

Hazel:'Oh, where am I? Oh, Pete roofied me.'

Hazel:Hazel: 'You can't fire me. You don't even know my real name.'

Sloppy Rodney · Hazel:Sloppy Rodney: 'Hey, baby, you want to get down?' Hazel/Richard Drench: 'Sloppy Rodney? It's me, Richard Drench. I remember that ass.'