Grandmentor

Jack · Liz:Gassy Patsy walk-on contest callback — robotic voice saying 'keep the white house white'

Liz · Jack:'You know who enters these walk-on contests? Weirdos.' — followed by an essay typed on the inside of a bloody halter top

Liz · Jack:'I thought you said a man should never wear pastel unless he's a black guy on Easter.'

Jack:'I need to tone down my natural aura of strength and sexual dominance. Which wasn't going to happen with the tie I was going to wear.'

Jack · Liz:'Amnesty International is nothing but a company that makes and sells candles. That explains all the vigils. That is a good scam.'

Liz:'Media is a plural noun. Put this tie on.'

Jack:Matt Lauer's band: 'Rhythm and News' — 'It's blues rock, Lemon.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's confessional: 'I know I'm a big shot now with my suits and a desk lamp that I control'

Gaylord Felcher:The Standards and Practices department is called out by name — its employee, Gaylord Felcher, presents the 'Employee of the F***ing Week' award while bleeping himself

Hazel · Kenneth:'What's your problem?' / 'Oh my, well... my parents were technically brothers—' / 'Look, I'm trying to do my job here.'

Kenneth:'He has a special place in my heart. Just like Nana Parcell, my heartworm.'

Matt Lauer (implied) · Jack:Mine collapse in China — all miners are babies paid in yogurt; puppies lowered to bring supplies

Jack:'Remember when we used to be the world leader in baby cuteness? I can't compete with that.'

Jack:'Yes, I didn't expect you to play for four hours.' (re: Matt Lauer's band, after four hours of blues rock)

Liz:Liz tells the writers not to write a sketch about Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — 'No one knows who Krang is. It would be a waste of time to talk about Krang on television. No more Krang!'

Hazel · Liz:Hazel bursts through the door yelling 'Krang!' immediately after Liz's Krang rant

Liz:Liz takes a 'Which Gossip Girl are you?' quiz and gets 'the dad's guitar'

Hazel · Liz:Hazel: 'And look at your body. Your rack is like, "pow!"'

Hazel:Kenneth 'undressed her with his eyes' — then: 'And then he had his way with me. With his eyes.'

Liz · Hazel:Liz: 'The male gaze.' Hazel: 'Yeah, they're all a bunch of gays.'

Liz · Hazel:'What do people call women who are tough and ambitious?' / 'Leslie or Courtney?' / 'What? No. A bitch.'

Liz:Liz invokes 'the karate kid — Hilary Swank-arate Kid IV'

Liz:Liz does a Mr. Miyagi impression: 'Julie-san, fighting not good. But if must fight, win.' Attributed to 'Kesuke Miyagi, Karate Kid IV.'

Jack:Jack calls CNN's Wolf Blitzer: 'Either CNN gets back on the Avery Jessup story, or I'll tell everyone your real name, Steel Hammerhands.'

Jack:Jack hangs up, then tries calling back: 'Hello? Steel? Mr. Hammerhands?'

Jenna · Jack:Jenna asks Jack to hire a giant to stand in every scene she's in to make her look daintier — 'It's why Lamar Odom married that giant Kardashian girl.'

Jack:Jack's fantasy of Avery returning: 'I'm home, Jack. And I brought back a bunch of oriental sex powders.'

Jenna:'I played Italian party whore in The Amanda Knox Story.'

Jenna:'Every kidnapped woman I've ever played has been released.'

Jenna · Jack:'Oxygen is already working on a movie about the baby miners.' / 'Then we'll have to slow them down. Gabriel... send a bunch of pies to the Oxygen network.'

Hazel · Kenneth:Hazel is making Tracy's food easier to eat because 'his jaw is tired from pretending to be Pac-Man'

Kenneth:'He just got his cholesterol down to triple digits.'

Hazel · Kenneth:'You think you can push me around just because you have a penis?' / Kenneth: 'I definitely have a penis.'

Hazel:'I'm not delicate. I've been in tons of car wrecks.'

Tracy · Hazel · Kenneth:Tracy: 'Hazel, I just peed this. Could you take care of it for me?' — holding up something (implied urine-adjacent object) mid-argument

Kenneth · Hazel · Tracy:Kenneth launches a 'getting-your-act-together montage' song for Tracy — immediately interrupted by Hazel with a piñata

Hazel · Tracy:Hazel offers Tracy: 'Do you wanna do whatever you want with a sexy, fun bitch who just bought you a piñata?' Tracy: 'Awesome!'

Kenneth · Liz:Liz: 'Are you busy regretting your life choices, for example, missing your window for having children?'

Liz · Kenneth:'I bet even Hillary Clinton has to put up with this crap from whoever was Secretary of State before her.' / 'You mean Condoleezza—' / 'Shut up.'

Liz:Liz quotes Mr. Miyagi at Kenneth: 'Leave girl alone or you deal with me, surf shop owner.'

Liz:Liz's bedroom advice: 'Put a bag of popcorn in the microwave beforehand. That way, when you're done, you have a treat.'

Hazel:Hazel's boyfriend Razmig was 'banging the fattest chick I've ever seen. And you know, I used to weigh 800 pounds.'

Hazel:Hazel's alternative 'mentorship': 'Helping me would be teaching me how to spice things up. Like by greeting him at the front door wearing nothing but false teeth.'

Hazel:'If this were two years ago, I would sit on you till you died.'

Jack:Wardrobe scene: Jack dresses up as Gabriel the PA — 'No wigs. I said no wigs. You're not a lead, Gabe. At best, you're a featured extra with no lines.'

Liz:Liz: 'You mean Lois Lane's love affair with journalism?' — responding to Jack asking if she'd write 'the greatest love story ever told'

Jack · Liz:'I would consider it a personal favor after six years of listening to you complain about how there are so few women on death row.' / 'Is it a coincidence, or is the system sexist?'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'Oh! Speaking of our amazing dynamic, I have taken on a mentee of my own, Jack — a page named Hazel.' Jack: 'You're a mentor? But that makes me a grand-mentor. And I'm still so young.'

Jack:Jack reveals he let Liz fail at the Apollo: 'Sometimes, they have to learn the hard way. If Hazel rejects your advice, let her. She'll get there on her own just like you did after the crowd at the Apollo chased you into the river.'

Liz:Liz: 'Okay, I understand the irony of what I'm about to say, but I reject that advice. Don't worry, I'll bring you back a t-shirt from successtown. Ow! My groin!'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth: 'You were wrong. They do still make crossbows.' — Tracy arrives with crossbow and motorcycle ramp but no motorcycle

Tracy:Tracy (off his medication): 'We on a show within a show! My real name is Tracy Morgan!'

Hazel:Hazel took Tracy off his medication — 'I'm not an idiot, Kenneth. I took him off his medication.'

Hazel:Hazel shows Kenneth a Page Six photo: 'Those are my toes he's sucking on. And he did not want to.'

Jenna · Jack:Jenna tries to play Avery by sneaking into Jack's office pretending to be her — 'No, don't turn on the light.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'You think I'm stupid, just because my college got tipped over by those Miami Heat fans.'

Jack:Jack: 'Jenna, there are many kinds of intelligence. Practical, emotional, and there's actual intelligence, which is what I'm talking about.'

Jack:'Let's set aside how idiotic that plan was and imagine a world where it actually worked.'

Jenna:'Would a dumb person be able to think of something amazing to say as she leaves?' — Jenna then stands there for ten seconds in silence, unable to think of anything

Liz · Jack:Contest winner is 'Joren van der Sloot' — 'We can't fly someone from Peru now.'

Razmig · Hazel · Liz:Razmig appears: 'What? Who is this, hah-zel? I no permit you talk other woman.' — caricatured Armenian accent and possessive control framed comedically

Razmig · Hazel:Razmig: 'Oh, where is toilet pail? Razmig must make mud.' — Hazel laughs

Razmig · Liz:Razmig: 'You are a big woman. You have pictures? Fat nudes?'

Jenna · Kenneth:Jenna to Kenneth: 'Oh, I thought you were someone famous. You sound a lot like Reese Witherspoon.'

Kenneth · Gaylord Felcher:Kenneth quits his job at Standards and Practices to enter the walk-on contest — the Standards and Practices employee responds: 'I may f***ing hate you right now, you little f***, but f***ing damn it I respect you.'

Kenneth:Kenneth, in a disguise/costume as a contest winner, enters as 'Leminem' — a portmanteau of Liz Lemon and Eminem.

Gaylord Felcher · Kenneth:Kenneth quits his Standards and Practices job to enter the walk-on contest. The Standards employee's send-off: 'I may [bleep] hate you right now, you little [bleep], but [bleep] damn it I respect you.'

Kenneth · Liz:Kenneth explains his motivation for quitting: 'Have you ever loved something so much that you would sacrifice anything for it?' Liz: 'Nope.'

Jack · Jenna:'The second cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me.' / 'When I went to the bathroom on the hood of your car before I thought of this plan?'

Jack:Jack: 'Avery had me committed to a mental hospital so she and her college roommate could use my Yankee tickets on opening day.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'That's a nice story, Jack, but I don't hear my name in it.'

Jack · Jenna:Jack concludes Jenna has 'Avery's essence' — 'the ruthless pursuit of self-interest. It's the heart of capitalism. And the beautiful black heart of my wife.' — then congratulates Jenna and she accepts 'the part.'

Jenna:'Now if you'll excuse me, I have a female condom to take out. Unless... Going once...'

Tracy:Tracy's presidential address: 'Goo-goo, ga-ga, my fellow ah-meh-ri-cans.'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth to Tracy: 'I won't do that' (quoting Meat Loaf's 'I'd Do Anything for Love') — Tracy: 'The girl in that video was hot in an early '90s kind of way.'

Liz · Jack:'That was a real commercial for an erectile dysfunction drug.' / Jack: 'Well, I laughed.'

Jack:'That's how the banking industry learned its lesson. And now they're doing amazing, and everyone's honest.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'Why aren't there more female serial killers? What does that say about our society—' Jack: 'Liz!'

Hazel:Hazel's garbled summary of Liz's mentorship advice: 'Hazel, you're a beautiful flower. Let yourself bloom. What are you doing this weekend, Hazel? Are there still bath houses? Let's go to one!'

Hazel:'And all the while lighting a fire with that hot ass.' — Hazel to Liz

Jack:Jack looks at Liz warmly after Hazel leaves: 'I'm your grand-mentor. Liz?' — she's gone. He looks at the empty space: 'She's beautiful.'

Tracy · Announcer:End tag: 'Please welcome to the stage: Leminem!' — scattered applause and booing, then Tracy begins poorly doing the sprinkler dance while rapping badly