Kidnapped By Danger

Liz Lemon:The full title read aloud: 'Kidnapped by Danger, colon, The Avery Jessup Story, comma, brought to you with limited commercial interruptions by Pride Bladder Control Pads. Pride: Make Every Room a Bathroom.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's summary of the love story: 'Boy meets girl. Girl gets kidnapped by asian dictator. Boy makes movie to get girl back. Girl's so grateful she does birthday things to boy. Boy falls asleep.'

Liz Lemon:Liz: 'You're forgetting boy meets girl's mother. They are creepily attracted to each other.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'If you get this right, gay men will be dressing up like Avery for Halloween the next 20 years.'

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:Liz: ''Cause I'm gonna be Mitt Rom-mummy. I call it. You can't steal it.' / Jack: 'Why wouldn't you be Mitt-zombie?' / Liz: 'Because I'm an idiot! Oh, come on, Liz. Think for, like, one second before you buy all that gauze.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna's manager is named 'Gary Greasy' — mentioned deadpan in exposition.

Jenna Maroney:Jenna: 'I need to thank my co-writers, Gary Greasy and Jesus, a homeless man I stole the melody from.'

Tracy Jordan · Jenna Maroney:The Weird Al parody reveal: Tracy plays a Weird Al parody of Jenna's 'Kidnapped' song called 'Knapsack' — about a broken zipper and a lost Bakugan toy.

Tracy Jordan · Jenna Maroney:Tracy: 'It's a huge honor. Like, when people wanna see your boobs at Mardi Gras.' / Jenna: 'It's nothing like that.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna: 'Weird Al corrupted something beautiful that was written to distract Gary Greasy while he came down from meth.'

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth: 'My father wore this to his high school prom. The theme was Enchantment Under the Jim Crow Laws.'

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth: 'But if anything comes up, put a message in a bottle and throw it in the river. That's where I go every day to fish for shoes.'

Old Janitor:The old janitor's advice: 'Throw your resume away on the fourth floor and we'll be in touch.'

Liz Lemon:The updated title tagline at the table read: 'Pride Pad. Pride: The World Is Your Toilet.' (revised from the earlier 'Make Every Room a Bathroom')

Liz Lemon:The table read screenplay description: 'We smash cut to a night of passion in a completely dark room. Bathing suit areas get a workout.'

Liz Lemon:The screenplay stage direction description of Liz's character: 'Jack's friend Liz — think Courteney Cox — dances with a handsome pilot — think a young Fred Grandy.'

Nancy Donovan:Nancy's Boston accent and line: '[ridiculous Boston accent] Jack, who's calling ya at such a wicked late hour? Ya mother?'

Unknown Man · Liz Lemon:The unnamed man's come-on to Liz: 'I got four inches of steel that might change your mind.' (after she says he's married to a woman)

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'I turned down intercourse with Harvey Weinstein on no less than three occasions... out of five.'

Tracy Jordan · Jenna Maroney:Tracy: 'What do you think Phil Collins was trying to do with Sussudio?' / Jenna: 'Which Weird Al famously parodied with Soup Soupy-o.'

Tracy Jordan:Tracy: 'I'll make coffee. You also make coffee. After the coffee contest, we'll start working.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack complains that Liz twisted the facts 'like Chubby Checker took the traditional standing dance and made a mockery of it with The Twist.'

Liz Lemon:Liz: 'You wouldn't say that if you read my MythBusters fan fiction. It is sexy. And you're welcome.'

Diana Jessup:Diana Jessup's entrance line to Liz: 'I'm glad to see the endgame of feminism is women dressing like Dennis the Menace at work.'

Diana Jessup:Diana: 'Because it's crass, Jack. Like personalized wedding vows or standing up in a pool.'

Diana Jessup:Diana: 'To hear about it the way I did. My housekeeper started screaming.'

Diana Jessup:Diana: 'And I didn't dream that I was a sex slave to a squid-like alien with your head.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'I'd love to have you. Uh, I mean, as a guest, not, uh, under a waterfall.'

Diana Jessup:Diana: 'The train was disgusting.' [exits] [beat] 'I flew here, but I saw a train from the window.'

Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon:Jack's reaction: 'What are you doing? Leave.' / Liz: 'No. This is weird and I am not letting it get any weirder. All my life, I have been the third wheel that prevents people from having sex.'

Liz Lemon:Liz: 'I'm sorry, but you're stressed and you're lonely and that woman has flawless skin, like an organic chicken. I haven't had lunch.'

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth's janitor interview speech: '...only small people, like children, or a giant who's very far away from you.'

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth sings the NBC jingle ('I love this') during his pitch to get his job back.

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:Liz interrupts the fitting with STD statistics: 'One in four Americans has an STD. Chlamydia, herpes, garden variety genital swelling—' / Jack: 'That's quite enough, Lemon.' / Liz: 'Rectal fissures.'

Lance Drake Mandrell:Lance Drake Mandrell introducing himself as 'method acting, staying in character at all times. It's a technique invented by Constantin Stanislavski when he was four years old and wanted to act like a pirate.'

Lance Drake Mandrell · Diana Jessup:Lance to Diana: 'Diana, are you a time-traveler? Because I don't know how my mother-in-law could be younger than my wife.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack: 'Was that supposed to be me saying that? Because I would never use that much math in complimenting a woman. Their brains can't handle it.'

Lance Drake Mandrell:Lance: 'Hey, quick question, Jack. Our underwear, is it regular black bikini cut? Or is it silk boxers with Tweety Bird on them? Because I have both.'

Diana Jessup:Diana's description of Lance/Jack: 'The fighter pilot wrists, the hair like a mature otter's pelt, shoulders you could ride bareback.'

Wardrobe Coordinator:The wardrobe coordinator to Diana about Lance: 'Every woman here would love to slip it to your son-in-law... Drill him against a wall... Give him the old skin flute.'

Tracy Jordan · Jenna Maroney:Tracy rejects 'these lonely eyes' by instantly hearing 'baloney thighs': 'I'm sorry, did you just say baloney thighs? Because that's the name of the boat Weird Al's gonna buy with the money he makes off you... dumb bitch! I'm sorry. I just care too much.'

Jenna Maroney · Tracy Jordan:The pizza song epiphany: 'We might as well just write a song about pizza... Oh, my god. If we did that, he'd be powerless. There's nothing you can change pizza to.' / Tracy: 'Because it's already weird.' / Jenna: 'Exactly. Weird Al's about to get a taste of his own medicine.'

Lance Drake Mandrell:Lance practicing being Jack: 'I'm Jack Donaghy.' [pause] 'I am Jack Donaghy.' [retches] 'Oh, god. This iced tea is so strong.'

Diana Jessup · Lance Drake Mandrell:Diana: 'Rose wine?' / Lance: 'Pairs well with failed suicide.'

Lance Drake Mandrell:Lance, staying in character as Jack: 'There hasn't been a good non-boat painting in 5,000 years.'

Liz Lemon:Liz's voice-over/realization: 'Sometimes to prevent monkey business, we must create it. The blocker.'

Lance Drake Mandrell · Jack Donaghy:Lance to Jack: 'How is taking your mother-in-law out on a date acting like you?' / Jack: 'Uh, it's not, obviously.'

Diana Jessup:Diana: 'It's impossible not to have a great time at Planet Hollywood.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's confrontation with Liz: 'An idea that's off the charts, kemosabe.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's table read script: 'I've never been kissed like that, Jack.' / 'It's because we're so in love, Avery. That's why we're perfect, Avery.' / 'Make love to me... Now.' [Jack: 'This is garbage.']

Kenneth Parcell · Mr. Subhas:Kenneth, dressed as a janitor, is asked 'Why are you dressed like a janitor?' / 'It's my new job.' / 'But you just got promoted.' / Kenneth explains: 'Not the dream where those two tennis sisters chase me.'

Jack Donaghy:Jack's speech to Kenneth conflates their situations: 'Even if other people say to you, your life is a mess. Stop looking at your mother-in-law. I can't write your movie.'

Kenneth Parcell:Kenneth's secret: '[whispers] I lie to myself. Every morning, when I wake up, I say, everything's gonna be okay. But I'm lying. And I don't know how much longer I can do it.' [piercing inhalation] 'Have a swell night, sir.'

Jenna Maroney:Jenna after the Fallon performance: 'Let me guess, you're all watching my triumph on Fallon last night?'

Tracy Jordan · Jenna Maroney:Normal Al's parody: Weird Al reverses the parody strategy, turning Jenna's pizza fart song into a touching song about a soldier returning home.

Liz Lemon:Liz: 'Everyone lies to themselves. I mean, I refuse to buy larger underwear, and it looks like when you tie a string around a roast.'

Jack Donaghy · Lance Drake Mandrell:The movie's climax: 'I'll never let you capture my wife from here, on the top of the Empire State Building!' / 'Korean freeze ray!' / 'Jack!' / 'Nothing can keep us apart! Our love is off the charts, kemosabe.'

Lance Drake Mandrell · Jack Donaghy:Lance's debriefing about Diana: 'She's a real hotshot at boinking. She boinks like a dog. I'm not a writer. She made me boink her this morning and at first, I was like, please—'

Lance Drake Mandrell:Lance: 'Get back to doing the things I love, like getting high and going to the planetarium.'

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:Liz: 'Hey, when this movie airs, can my name be the first credit that comes up at the end?' / Jack: 'This is a group process, Lemon. Don't be an egomaniac.'