Today You Are A Man

My trio of popcorns

I dropped my cell phone into the penguin exhibit... I had my birthday at the Aquarium

I represent the turtle that Tuck is based on

Didn't you notice your food wasn't pre-chewed?

I bet he's going to tell me I can't write off all my shoplifting

Getting paid to help a boy become a man is kind of my wheelhouse

morale-boosting T-shirts indicating everyone 'survived' a certain barbecue

when was the last time I said, 'no, senator, you're out of order'?

I would like a hospital bed in my office. A real one. I don't care if it's against the law to resell them

And by your 'assistant,' you mean you with a British accent?

She's a cool college student from... South Africa. Yeah, she'll be British

You were in the kitchen all day. Right over... Oh, that's a broom

I am using my once-in-a-lifetime interruption

when a dog goes missing, everyone's upset 'cause there's no dog milk for the babies

when 20 cult members jump off a bridge together wearing 'this smells' T-shirts, I should get a cut of that sale

Yes, many of our viewers are obese

Don't you represent Gina Gershon? My Nemesis? My Nemesis?

I was being sarcastic. God, I told mom I wanted Transformer's theme for Bar Mitzvah

maybe the IRS finds out that your nine dependents are just vibrators

your 'charity' is just a front that has done nothing to make this country safer from Godzilla attacks. If anything, I've increased the likelihood

you may recognize me from one of my two background acting gigs

Just like my hero, Ivan Drago, from Rocky IV

when your kid throws a tantrum and holds his breath, you hold your breath too. When you regain consciousness, believe me, he's ready to leave the toy store

gross means income before expenses and not gross like apples on a sandwich

Thank Obama

tatertotfreak@hotmail.Com

Tell him the funmeister says, 'hi.' He'll know what that means

Do you vacation together on nonjudgmental cruise lines?

My church requires a 110% tithe

Are you talking about saving squirrels from hawks?

Hair movement... Is a sign of weakness

90% of negotiations are lost by the person who speaks first

Because what is speaking a sign of? Weakness? You, out. Fired

Yes, may I please speak to pizza?

Jack Donaghy... Playing with himself. It's a Jack-off

That's the phrase I couldn't remember

We make other people wait. Forcing people to wait, throwing things, making crazy demands and never being satisfied

Why is the government allowing this?

A Jewish star

my house isn't a church, although I do let children drink wine there

Like all actors, I'm not emotionally mature enough to deal with my feelings, you fart-face

I know you are, but what am I?

This is the men's room, Jenna. Not the C-list skank's room

Not Napoleon, not Hitler, not even Balki in the unaired ninth season of Perfect strangers

I've played this Japanese video game where you slap prostitutes to death, but you only ever dance with this penguin named Yamagiku.

You're rich. And you're fat, so you'll die young. Women love that

Put money in the girl's mouth. Also, my friend, Darryl, is your real father

Did you put peanuts on this? Yeah, it's delicious, hat guy. Ah... I'm allergic!

I wish I was dead!

When is that party you throw that we never go to 'cause we don't know what to get the man who has nothing

Like the polio vaccine. Or a no-bottom strip club near a Wendy's

I'm not wearing stockings. That's a vein

you have to say, 'go for Liz,' when you answer your phone

I'm just doing the sorcerer's apprentice. You respond with a pirate holiday, and I have no choice but to play the hillbilly auction

It'll be back to submitting topical menopause jokes to joy behar by fax

You'd have more lawyers on you than a midtown hooker

Then an elegante, parry with an elegante primo, 5%, I demand three years... No, that can't be right. Elegante, elegante primo, carry the one...

Good God. You won. I did? You got everything you wanted. Kabletown Jack made a mistake, and Lemon Jack pounced on it. I-me lost

Nobody beats the Liz!

we're going to be more 'haw-naist'

Because I was raised in foster care

Boy, you are dumb sometimes

Men wanted to be me, women wanted to sleep with me, bisexuals wanted to watch

Maybe I'll just quit and... Go work for a not-for-profit. Somewhere where there's less pressure and the people are nice. And I can wear sneakers and jeans on Friday

I want to be somebody else! I want to be a baby again!

No, no, no. Look, you won. Just don't cry. Daddy doesn't cry

Have you not read the poetry of jewel?

So that means that my me-I taught your you-you a negotiation trick. Yes, I suppose you did

He's a white male with hair, Lemon. The sky's the limit

To white men!

Those players have some crazy names. Like Derek and Alex

His wife's name is don't. What's the guy's name on first base? Know what died in Vietnam