Meet N Greet

Andy:We could have a bouncy castle, a dunk tank, maybe some face painting...

Andy:We could murder someone!

Andy:I mean... we could have a murder mystery game! You know, like a fun party game where everyone tries to solve a fake murder.

Andy:We could have a piñata, but instead of candy, it's full of hornets.

Andy:And instead of a stick, everyone just punches it with their bare fists.

Andy:Or we could just set the whole thing on fire and call it a bonfire.

April:Why would you set the piñata on fire? It's already full of hornets.

Andy:Exactly.

April:That doesn't make any sense.

Tom:Everyone loves me because I talk about myself constantly. It's my best quality.

Tom:Like, did you know I have a really good smile? People say it's my best feature.

Tom:Also, I'm an excellent listener. I love listening to people talk about me.

Leslie:I'd like to introduce you to the Duke of Rubber Nipples, sovereign ruler of the Kingdom of Inappropriateness.

Tom:Okay, Leslie, I'm gonna test your knowledge of Kernston's advisors. Who was Kernston's trade minister in 1987?

Leslie:Um... Gerald Hutchins?

Tom:Wrong. It was actually... I have no idea. I made up this entire test. Kernston isn't even a real place.

Leslie:What?

Tom:I just wanted to see how long you'd pretend to know about something you didn't actually know about.

Andy:I look like a sumo wrestler that got deflated.

Andy:Which is weird because normally you'd think a deflated sumo wrestler would be skinnier, not... worse.

Ben:My family never argued. We just... didn't talk about problems.

Ben:My dad left when I was seven and we all just pretended he was at work for ten years.

Leslie:Tom, why is your face on all these rugs?

Tom:Because it's one of my life goals to have my face on a rug. I've achieved it.

Chris:Donna, what are you dressed as?

Donna:I'm a detective.

Chris:How can you tell?

Donna:Because I'm extremely observant.

Chris:Sherlock Holmes is the greatest character ever created. A man of unparalleled intellect and deductive reasoning.

Chris:But honestly, I think I'm a more well-rounded version of him. I have his analytical mind, but I also have emotional intelligence and the ability to connect with people on a human level.

Jerry:Chris, you're texting without looking at your phone.

Chris:I know. I'm very polite. I make eye contact with people when I talk to them. So I've developed the ability to text without looking.

Jerry:That's not how that works.

Chris:Actually, it is. I'm living proof.

Ron:Andy, there's a live wire hanging directly above the bathtub.

Andy:Oh, I call that the Shock Tub 3000.

Ron:What is all this? I expected tools, not... is this a unicorn plushie?

April:It's a mood ring unicorn, Ron.

Ron:And what's this? A bottle of nail polish labeled 'Sunset Dreams'?

Andy:That's for when we need a manicure break during woodworking.

Ron:A tiara. There's a tiara in here.

April:For formal tool use.

Ron:And finally, a flashlight filled with... candy?

Andy:So you can see AND snack in the dark, Ron.

Business Owner:You've never bought a salad from us.

Leslie:That's true. I don't eat salad. I think salad is what food eats.

Tom:Mr. Kernston, I'd like to present my new business concept: 'Rent-tainment.' It's like rent, but it's also entertainment.

Martin Kernston:That's just rent.

Tom:No, no, no. Rent-tainment. The 'tainment' is silent.

Leslie:I need to be very careful about my language. I can't just go around calling people 'butt-head' willy-nilly.

Leslie:That's why I have a carefully curated list of insults I use only in the most extreme circumstances.

Leslie:Like... buttface, turd-guzzling thunder-cunt, and worse.

Ron:Jerry, I need your help with a home repair project.

Jerry:Oh, Ron, I'd be happy to help! By the way, it's not a costume, it's my outfit.

Ron:I don't care what you call it, Gerry. Now hand me that wrench.

April:He's not doing it. He said it was 'undignified.' Which is hilarious, because Ben once spent an entire meeting with the state comptroller with a Cheeto stuck to his forehead.

Andy:Come on, Ben. Just tell me how you really feel.

Ben:I feel... adequate.

Andy:Adequate? That's it?

Ben:My heart rate is normal. I have consumed sufficient calories. These are positive indicators.

Leslie:We've got Jerry's Fried Dough, Sweetums, and the Mobile Phone Emporium all here tonight!

Leslie:Tom, if you hijack this event, I will hurt you in a way that only Ben Wyatt could describe using his forensic accounting skills.

Tom:Wait, what?

Leslie:I'm going to make your finances so complicated that even the IRS won't understand them.

Ben:I fixed the shelf. I actually fixed it. Do you understand what this means? I'm a man now. A real man. I can build things. I can provide. I could survive in the wilderness.

Leslie:You used a level and some screws.

Ben:I am a god.

Jean-Ralphio:Entertainment 720 is the best company ever. We invented Facebook.

April:My brother and I have a very normal sibling relationship. We fight, we make up, we set each other's stuff on fire. You know, typical brother and sister stuff.

Andy:My family has this thing where we fight, then we make up, then we fight again. It's like a cycle.

Andy:My dad would punch my uncle, then they'd go get a beer together, then next Thanksgiving my uncle would punch my dad back.

Andy:It's beautiful, really. Very balanced.

Tom:Look, everything is fine. My company is doing great. We're expanding, we're profitable, we're—

Leslie:Tom, your office is literally a closet.

Tom:It's a small space, that's part of our brand. We're lean, we're efficient—

April:Your website just says 'Tom's Company' and then it's a 404 error.

Tom:Okay, well, we're still in beta. The company has completely failed.

Leslie:What happened to the company?

Tom:Oh, it dissolved. But look at my skin right now — I'm like a soft, buttery biscuit.

Andy:My nose is broken! There's blood everywhere!

Tom:Oh no, Andy, we need to get you to a hospital!

Leslie:This is so serious. Everyone, we need to help Andy.

Andy:Actually, it's fake blood. I was just messing with you guys.

Tom:You've gotta spend money to make money, Leslie. It's just good business sense.

Leslie:Tom, that's not a business strategy, that's just... math. And also the reason your last three ventures failed.

Ben:Look, I just have a few reasonable roommate requests. No loud music after 10 PM, please clean up after yourself, and we should probably establish a chore schedule.

Andy:Okay, okay, okay. I hear you. But here's my counter-offer: I get to have a pet ocelot, I eat whatever I want from the fridge without asking, and on Thursdays I get to invite the entire Parks Department over to watch me practice my DJ skills until 4 AM.

Tom:In 1975, we had Watergate, we had Vietnam, and we had to say goodbye to David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust persona.

Leslie:Tom is a lot of things. He's lazy, he's vain, he's a terrible friend.

Leslie:But what Tom is, above all else, is a tiny little person. And I mean that with all the love in my heart.

Chris:Jerry, I want to be completely transparent with you. I'm seeing your daughter, and I think it's important you know that our physical relationship is very—

Jerry:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Chris, please, I'm begging you. I do not need to know this. I really, really don't.

April:Oh wow, a detective. So where are your keys?

April:Because I've been watching you pat down your pockets for twenty minutes.

Leslie:Leslie's speech listing local businesses including 'Glennmore Discount Cemetery,' 'Tramp Stamp Tattoos,' 'Enormous Kenny's Fried Dough Stand and Mobile Phone Emporium,' 'Smooth Operator Bikini Waxes'

Tom · Leslie:Tom hijacking Leslie's speech to promote Entertainment 720

Leslie · Tom:Leslie to Tom after the promotional video: 'You're lucky that Martin Kernston is here, 'cause you're gonna need another nipple. Why?'

Ron · April:Ron and April fixing the faucet: Ron's obvious pride and satisfaction in completing the repair, culminating in 'Damn it, I just love it so much.'

Tom:The fake Mark Zuckerberg character in Tom's promotional video: 'I can't reveal my identity because of various corporate enemies... I invented Facebook.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie: 'I know that video seemed like the rantings of a lunatic pretending to be Mark Zuckerberg.' / Tom: 'That's who that was?' / Leslie: 'No.'

Tom:The E 720 Mailing List Divas performance: dancers asking business owners to write down their direct contact info for whoever handles hiring

Tom:Tom announces an 'E 720 Mobile Hot Tub' parked outside

April · Ben:Leslie denying Ben the Halloween candy: 'If you're not part of the party, you can't have the candy. Back up.'

April:April's confessional about her sister: 'We steal each other's stuff, hack each other's Twitter accounts, set each other's clothes on fire. There are no rules.'

April · Ben:April physically dragging Ben into his room to force him to express his feelings: 'I'm going to beat you up until you do, because I'm mature.'

Andy:Andy's confessional about the Dwyer method: 'yelling, wrestling, crying, followed by lots of hugs, then more wrestling, but the fun kind, then crying when the fun kind of wrestling got out of hand.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie finding Tom hiding in the mobile hot tub: 'Get out of there right now... or we are no longer friends. I'm not getting out. Fine. Then I'm getting in.'

Leslie · Tom:'Well, maybe we should get out of this hot tub.' / 'I'm too sad to get out, and I'm all pruney.'

Tom:Tom explaining Entertainment 720's bankruptcy: 'They say you've got to spend money to make money. Well, I don't know where we went wrong. We spent all of our money.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie suggesting 'comfort food' and Tom asking for 'albacore tuna with crispy onions' as comfort food

Andy · Ron:Andy says 'the flange was a little warped, so I just goosed it with a triple-three bolt smack.' Ron: 'That was nonsense.' Andy: 'I know, but it's so fun to talk like that.'

Ron · April:Ron and April's fake plumbing talk: 'I'd say you've got the handle on that torque wrench.' / 'Yeah, well, the flange was a little warped, so I just goosed it with a triple-three bolt smack.' / 'That was nonsense.' / 'I know, but it's so fun to talk like that.'

Ron · April:Ron giving April his toolbox and saying 'You earned it.'

Andy · April · Ben:Blood capsule reveal: 'Psych! Blood capsules... I wanted to shock you into expressing your anger.' / 'My nose is broken.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie pointing out that Tom turned people away for the first two weeks by claiming to be booked: 'Kind of seems like regular sight should have caught that one.'

Leslie:Leslie's backhanded compliment to Tom: 'You're a smart guy and charming occasionally.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Also, your logo, it's the worst logo I've ever seen. It doesn't make any sense. It's gibberish.'

Ben · Andy · April:Ben's list of reasonable grievances ends with: 'Stop using my comforter for your pillow forts.'

Andy · Ben:Andy's counter-demand: pay for studio recording time for his band, 'about 5,600 bucks. Deal?'

April · Andy · Ben:Hospital scene: 'You his friend?' / 'Him? Hell, no. We're brothers.'

April · Andy:April: 'Ew. If your nose is all weird after this, I'm totally going to divorce you.' / Andy: 'Whatever. I'm going to divorce you first for wearing my favorite hoodie.'

Andy · April:Ben's final exit: April tells Andy they can't use Ben's comforter anymore. Andy: 'What are we going to have sex on?'

Tom:Tom's video biography of Leslie opening: 'The year was 1975. It was a time of trouble. Watergate. Well, I'm not a crook. Vietnam. Peter Gabriel leaves Genesis.'

Tom:Tom's description of himself in Leslie's video: 'Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting, good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful, tiny little person.'

Tom:Tom's video invoking Li'l Sebastian: 'And if Li'l Sebastian were still alive, he'd surely vote for her.'

Leslie:Leslie's response to Tom's video: 'I'm going to watch it every day for the rest of my life. And when I die, I'm going to project it on my tombstone.'

Chris · Ben:Chris's talking head: '...the culprit was Millicent Gergich.' / 'You should look into actual detective work.' / 'I will.'

Chris · Jerry:Chris to Jerry about his daughter: 'I've decided to take your daughter home. And we may be having intercourse.' / Jerry: 'Please, you've got to stop saying things like that to me.'

April · Ben:Final tag: Ben can't find his car keys. April: 'Solve this mystery, genius.' — referring to Ben's Sherlock Holmes-less evening