Meet N Greet

Andy:We could have a bouncy castle, a dunk tank, maybe some face painting...

Andy:We could murder someone!

Andy:I mean... we could have a murder mystery game! You know, like a fun party game where everyone tries to solve a fake murder.

Andy:We could have a piñata, but instead of candy, it's full of hornets.

Andy:And instead of a stick, everyone just punches it with their bare fists.

Andy:Or we could just set the whole thing on fire and call it a bonfire.

April:Why would you set the piñata on fire? It's already full of hornets.

Andy:Exactly.

April:That doesn't make any sense.

Tom:Everyone loves me because I talk about myself constantly. It's my best quality.

Tom:Like, did you know I have a really good smile? People say it's my best feature.

Tom:Also, I'm an excellent listener. I love listening to people talk about me.

Leslie:I'd like to introduce you to the Duke of Rubber Nipples, sovereign ruler of the Kingdom of Inappropriateness.

Tom:Okay, Leslie, I'm gonna test your knowledge of Kernston's advisors. Who was Kernston's trade minister in 1987?

Leslie:Um... Gerald Hutchins?

Tom:Wrong. It was actually... I have no idea. I made up this entire test. Kernston isn't even a real place.

Leslie:What?

Tom:I just wanted to see how long you'd pretend to know about something you didn't actually know about.

Andy:I look like a sumo wrestler that got deflated.

Andy:Which is weird because normally you'd think a deflated sumo wrestler would be skinnier, not... worse.

Ben:My family never argued. We just... didn't talk about problems.

Ben:My dad left when I was seven and we all just pretended he was at work for ten years.

Leslie:Tom, why is your face on all these rugs?

Tom:Because it's one of my life goals to have my face on a rug. I've achieved it.

Chris:Donna, what are you dressed as?

Donna:I'm a detective.

Chris:How can you tell?

Donna:Because I'm extremely observant.

Chris:Sherlock Holmes is the greatest character ever created. A man of unparalleled intellect and deductive reasoning.

Chris:But honestly, I think I'm a more well-rounded version of him. I have his analytical mind, but I also have emotional intelligence and the ability to connect with people on a human level.

Jerry:Chris, you're texting without looking at your phone.

Chris:I know. I'm very polite. I make eye contact with people when I talk to them. So I've developed the ability to text without looking.

Jerry:That's not how that works.

Chris:Actually, it is. I'm living proof.

Ron:Andy, there's a live wire hanging directly above the bathtub.

Andy:Oh, I call that the Shock Tub 3000.

Ron:What is all this? I expected tools, not... is this a unicorn plushie?

April:It's a mood ring unicorn, Ron.

Ron:And what's this? A bottle of nail polish labeled 'Sunset Dreams'?

Andy:That's for when we need a manicure break during woodworking.

Ron:A tiara. There's a tiara in here.

April:For formal tool use.

Ron:And finally, a flashlight filled with... candy?

Andy:So you can see AND snack in the dark, Ron.

Business Owner:You've never bought a salad from us.

Leslie:That's true. I don't eat salad. I think salad is what food eats.

Tom:Mr. Kernston, I'd like to present my new business concept: 'Rent-tainment.' It's like rent, but it's also entertainment.

Martin Kernston:That's just rent.

Tom:No, no, no. Rent-tainment. The 'tainment' is silent.

Leslie:I need to be very careful about my language. I can't just go around calling people 'butt-head' willy-nilly.

Leslie:That's why I have a carefully curated list of insults I use only in the most extreme circumstances.

Leslie:Like... buttface, turd-guzzling thunder-cunt, and worse.

Ron:Jerry, I need your help with a home repair project.

Jerry:Oh, Ron, I'd be happy to help! By the way, it's not a costume, it's my outfit.

Ron:I don't care what you call it, Gerry. Now hand me that wrench.

April:He's not doing it. He said it was 'undignified.' Which is hilarious, because Ben once spent an entire meeting with the state comptroller with a Cheeto stuck to his forehead.

Andy:Come on, Ben. Just tell me how you really feel.

Ben:I feel... adequate.

Andy:Adequate? That's it?

Ben:My heart rate is normal. I have consumed sufficient calories. These are positive indicators.

Leslie:We've got Jerry's Fried Dough, Sweetums, and the Mobile Phone Emporium all here tonight!

Leslie:Tom, if you hijack this event, I will hurt you in a way that only Ben Wyatt could describe using his forensic accounting skills.

Tom:Wait, what?

Leslie:I'm going to make your finances so complicated that even the IRS won't understand them.

Ben:I fixed the shelf. I actually fixed it. Do you understand what this means? I'm a man now. A real man. I can build things. I can provide. I could survive in the wilderness.

Leslie:You used a level and some screws.

Ben:I am a god.

Jean-Ralphio:Entertainment 720 is the best company ever. We invented Facebook.

April:My brother and I have a very normal sibling relationship. We fight, we make up, we set each other's stuff on fire. You know, typical brother and sister stuff.

Andy:My family has this thing where we fight, then we make up, then we fight again. It's like a cycle.

Andy:My dad would punch my uncle, then they'd go get a beer together, then next Thanksgiving my uncle would punch my dad back.

Andy:It's beautiful, really. Very balanced.

Tom:Look, everything is fine. My company is doing great. We're expanding, we're profitable, we're—

Leslie:Tom, your office is literally a closet.

Tom:It's a small space, that's part of our brand. We're lean, we're efficient—

April:Your website just says 'Tom's Company' and then it's a 404 error.

Tom:Okay, well, we're still in beta. The company has completely failed.

Leslie:What happened to the company?

Tom:Oh, it dissolved. But look at my skin right now — I'm like a soft, buttery biscuit.

Andy:My nose is broken! There's blood everywhere!

Tom:Oh no, Andy, we need to get you to a hospital!

Leslie:This is so serious. Everyone, we need to help Andy.

Andy:Actually, it's fake blood. I was just messing with you guys.

Tom:You've gotta spend money to make money, Leslie. It's just good business sense.

Leslie:Tom, that's not a business strategy, that's just... math. And also the reason your last three ventures failed.

Ben:Look, I just have a few reasonable roommate requests. No loud music after 10 PM, please clean up after yourself, and we should probably establish a chore schedule.

Andy:Okay, okay, okay. I hear you. But here's my counter-offer: I get to have a pet ocelot, I eat whatever I want from the fridge without asking, and on Thursdays I get to invite the entire Parks Department over to watch me practice my DJ skills until 4 AM.

Tom:In 1975, we had Watergate, we had Vietnam, and we had to say goodbye to David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust persona.

Leslie:Tom is a lot of things. He's lazy, he's vain, he's a terrible friend.

Leslie:But what Tom is, above all else, is a tiny little person. And I mean that with all the love in my heart.

Chris:Jerry, I want to be completely transparent with you. I'm seeing your daughter, and I think it's important you know that our physical relationship is very—

Jerry:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Chris, please, I'm begging you. I do not need to know this. I really, really don't.

April:Oh wow, a detective. So where are your keys?

April:Because I've been watching you pat down your pockets for twenty minutes.