Meet N Greet

Someone will die. Of fun. And of murder.

Blood orphans. No blood orphans. I don't know what that is.

I really am amazing.

From Kernston Rubber Nipples. The Nipple King.

Ted Flirtman or Rex Baggs... I made up both those names.

I'm a sumo wrestler after he lost the weight.

My parents' method of problem solving is to kind of keep everything bottled up and just subtly hint at what's bothering them. And after 36 years, they are still divorced.

It's always been a dream of mine to be a rug, and it's finally happened.

You are a policewoman. Yep. You're a regular... Sherlock Holmes. I solved that mystery before you did.

Replace his pasty British frailty with superhuman physical fitness, and you get... Sherlock Traeger.

You can text without looking at your phone? I think it's rude not to maintain eye contact with the people that I'm talking to.

Shock wire. I call it that, 'cause if you take a shower, and you touch the wire, you die!

A hammer, half of a pretzel, baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, and a flashlight. Filled with jelly beans.

That's because I don't hate myself, Tania.

The details. Most people would probably say the deets. I say the 'tails. Just one example of innovation.

Look, I don't like to throw around the word butt-head too often. If you call everybody a butt-head, then it kind of loses its impact. But I can say without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick.

You, bean bag, come with me. I'm an eggplant. I don't care. Come with me.

He's going as lame.

My name's Ben. I'm mad.

Enormous Kenny's Fried Dough Stand and Mobile Phone Emporium.

You're lucky that Martin Kernston is here, 'cause you're gonna need another nipple.

Damn it, I just love it so much.

I invented Facebook.

I have one sister. We steal each other's stuff, hack each other's Twitter accounts, set each other's clothes on fire. There are no rules.

The Dwyer method, which was yelling, wrestling, crying followed by lots of hugs. And then more wrestling, but the fun kind. And then crying when the fun kind of wrestling got out of hand.

My company is bankrupt, okay? Entertainment 720 is dead.

I don't know. I guess I just didn't moisturize enough this morning... With the company, Tom.

Psych! Blood capsules.

Well, hindsight is 20/20. Kind of seems like regular sight should have caught that one.

Stop using my comforter for your pillow forts... It's going to be about 5,600 bucks. Deal?

Peter Gabriel leaves Genesis.

Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting, good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful, tiny little person.

And we may be having intercourse. Please, you've got to stop saying things like that to me.

Solve this mystery, genius.