April Ludgate

Tom · April:Tom asks April: 'Do you think I'm in the top five best-looking Indian guys in Pawnee?'

April:April: 'No.'

Tom · April:Tom catches April playing Scrabble on Ron's computer: 'I was letting him win, dumbass.' / 'Whatever.' / 'Oh. Come on. Lateral, communal, zonal?'

Tom · April:April dropped a 'Z' in a Scrabble word. Tom: 'You dropped a Z in there? April.'

April:April talking head: 'When did you start at the Parks Department? Well, it was a few years ago. My mother got me the job. I was qualified. It's not like it was nepotism. Crap on a stick. Okay, technically, yes, it was nepotism. But... Oh, my God. No, it wasn't. Sorry.'

April:April mid-interview: 'It's not you. I just... I'm exhausted. I got, like, zero sleep last night.'

April · Derek · Ben:April introduces her relationship: 'This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben. / Derek is gay, but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and Ben's really gay for Derek. / And I hate Ben.'

April · Ron:April arrives to drive Ron home: 'Yo. I had to wait till my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys. You ready?' / Ron: 'I was born ready.'

April · Leslie:April brings Leslie an iced mocha, then 'completely unrelated' announces she's signed up for the pageant

April:April says 'I can be idiotic for $600' after initially calling beauty pageants idiotic

April:'Just bump that clown. Tell him they already have an Asian judge.'

April:April's introduction speech: 'I like... People... Places... And things.' — delivered with maximum disengagement

April:April's impression of her sister: 'Hi, I'm Natalie. I love Ritalin and have low self-esteem.'

April:April's impression of Leslie Knope: 'Women should do everything. Check out my four-color pen. Listen up while I talk about some really important stuff. Parks, parks... Michelle Obama, parks. Gay penguins, parks, sugar, parks.'

April:April's confessional: 'What? We don't get cash? This is for a fence?'

April:April immediately quits the pageant: 'I quit.'

April:April's exit confessional: 'No, I didn't win. But at least I didn't make any new friendships.'

Tom · April:The dirt-digging game setup: 'You will never believe what I just found on Jerry's Facebook.' / 'A friend.' / 'Burn.'

Ben or coworker · April · Jerry:Ben (or coworker) vs. April: 'A little birdy told me you have one unpaid parking ticket.' / 'A little birdy told me your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.' / 'Snap!' / Beat. / 'I didn't know I was adopted.'

April:My mom's Puerto Rican. That's why I'm so lively and colorful.

Leslie · April · Raul:What is he saying? / They are very happy. They say Hugo Chavez will love this video, because it is another success for their committee.

April:Yes, it is Hugo Chavez's passion project.

April:Hey, guys, I'm at Jhonny's place in Venezuela. It's okay, I guess. He has, like, 5 million rooms. And this is only his guest house. There's a lot of guys with guns here.

April · Donna:So tell Leslie I don't know when I'm going to be back. And Donna's here. / Hey, guys.

April · Leslie · Ron:Only Ron can order the whole department to do something. / Ron, order them to do this. / Do whatever Leslie says.

April:So this is a multimedia project. First... A bunch of rats made out of garbage. And... This is a tv screen. It'll be like a big flat screen tv, and it'll play looped video of knee surgeries. And this is a human-sized hamster wheel that will be next to the mural, if we can get one, and it'll be spinning, and there'll be like a fat guy in it all the time like screaming and like eating raw beef and like bleeding, and like blood will come out of his mouth and stuff.

Leslie · April:I have one question. Why? / If you have to ask, you don't get it.

Tom · April (implied) · April:Look at that. / It's not as good as the other one. / I don't know what you mean by good? / Neither do I! / Just do another one! / I have actual assignments that I have to finish for art school. / Shut up and do more art for me.

Ron · April:April being asked to make one phone call and read one number aloud — and Ron asking 'Can you handle this?'

Ron · April:Ron bribing April with "I will name the first turkey I shoot after you."

April:April sitting on hold listening to elevator music, not hanging up — the hold music plays for 17 seconds of screen time

April:April has been on hold for an hour and needs to pee but refuses to hang up — asks her replacement to just 'listen'

April:April's hold music rap — singing improvised lyrics about being on hold over the hold music: 'I am on hold / with the State Parks Department / I am on hold / so suck on my butt'

April · Andy:The 'bad acting' scene — April and Andy practicing dramatic one-liners to explain the shooting

April:I'm not a big fan of group dinners where everybody splits the bill no matter what they get. I ordered a tyranno-ceasar salad, and that's all I'm paying for.

Ron · April · Ron:Good. You're gonna take April home. / No, I want to go to the Glitter Factory. / Drop out of school and start doing meth.

April:He's 23, he's kind of my boyfriend, he's gay.

April:Last year we got drunk and he took me to the Ice Capades, and I didn't get him anything.

Tom · April:Brokeback Mountain DVD. No. Fellows love that. No. Does he already have, like, chaps? Like assless chaps?

April · Leslie:Do you want me to seduce Perd Hapley? / How would that help? / I don't know. I just want to see if I can do it.

Tom · April:I've been thinking about your gay boyfriend all day. I have got some awesome ideas. / First idea, spray tan gift certificates. / Ugh. No. / Trip to Germany? Germany is awesome. / And expensive.

Tom · April:Tom asks April to shake his hand to test if he's exfoliated too much. April: 'Ew! It's like touching raw chicken.' Tom: 'Damn it. Gonna have to re-foliate them.'

April · Tom:April's reaction to shaking Tom's over-exfoliated hand: 'Ew! It's like touching raw chicken.'

April · Andy:April considers putting gum in Justin's coat pockets. Andy declines out of loyalty to Leslie. April: 'I'll do it when you're not in the room then.' Andy: 'That would be terrible.' April: 'I'm being sarcastic. That would be awesome.'

Tom · Justin · April:Tom trying to generate interesting party conversation introduces Derek and Ben as gay but mentions April 'on occasion will have relations with Derek.' Then: 'Discuss that.' Justin: 'There's not much more to discuss. You kind of explained it all.'

April:April's talking-head: 'You don't do origami every day, do ya?' followed by her confessional about the belly dancer: 'They brought in a little entertainment, thank God. That Justin, he's so boring.'

Ann · April:Ann's talking-head ends with 'Maybe even... I don't like Ann. Become friends. Who knows?' — intercut with April's simultaneous confessional 'I don't like Ann.'

April · Tom:April's confessional about the possum identity crisis, told through an elaborate whale metaphor that she maintains until she breaks: 'I saw a second possum!'

April · Andy:April to Andy, on waiting for his photos: 'Yeah, that sounds good, but I can't because I have to go do something that actually matters.'

April · Groundskeeper · Leslie:The golf course groundskeeper is shown photos and confirms it's Fairway Frank — but the photos shown are of three different possums. Groundskeeper: 'Huh.'

Leslie · April:'Let's make it happen, Captain.' / 'Don't call me that.'

Tom · April · Leslie:Tom gets a call from April saying the possum escaped at Ann's house. He immediately promises April not to tell Leslie — and then the VERY next line: 'The possum got loose at Ann's house.'

April:April explains how the possum escaped: 'I let it out of its cage because it needed water, and I thought it would just drink out of the toilet or something, but then it ran off.'

April:April: 'It must love tacky pictures of flowers.' — looking at Ann's décor while searching for the possum

Leslie · April:Leslie worries the possum has 'laid eggs in the bed.' April: 'What if it's in here? What if it laid eggs in the bed?'

April · Leslie:April confesses she doesn't want to call Andy because 'it's my fault it's in Ann's house, who he's obviously still in love with. I just don't want him to be mad at me.'

Leslie · April:Leslie says 'And, April, any time you want to talk about boys...' — April: 'Oh, my God! Stop!'

Andy · April:Andy reads the newspaper article where he credited April for 'liquid courage' for tackling the possum — crediting April's coffee as essential to his heroism

April:April's parting words while fleeing: 'Sorry, Ann! I love you!'

Tom · April:Maybe he fell into the toilet. / Remember when he fell into the toilet?

April:'And then I put my underwear on my head instead of my butt.'

April · Leslie:So, when you say that you want me to check in with the police liaison, you mean hook up with him, right? / No. Just check in.

April:April's Lifetime movie confessional: agoraphobic woman, therapist hides in her house and tries to eat her toes, daughter having sex too young — therefore, she'll take the free self-defense class.

April · Andy · April:I got you one of those veggie muffins that you're always eating. / Score. / Yeah. It tastes like a rug.

April · Andy:April brings Andy a veggie muffin — character acting completely against type — and Andy declares 'It tastes like a rug'

April · Office:Hey, Jerry? April was just double-checking the lunch order. Do you want the salmon or the 'twout'? / Twout! Twout! Twout! Twout!

Jerry · April · Leslie:Morgan the pedophile is in the softball photo — 'We had dinner together.'

April:'Can you photoshop your life with better decisions, Jerry?'

April:April's photo pitch: existential nihilist images with captions like 'Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts?'

April · Ann · Andy:Food fight with smoked salmon — 'April threw the smoked salmon on the roof.'

Andy · April:Andy and April spontaneously decide to co-write a picnic song — 'Animal on the head... wait, that's a different song. Life is a picnic...with you.' / 'Then it could be about a girl... or Peyton Manning.'

Andy · April:Andy: 'Hey, maybe I should write a song about a picnic.' April: 'Ooh, where'd you come up with that idea?' Andy: 'The picnic we're having.'

April:April: if she had to sleep with one of the old men, it would be Clarence because she's 'an eyebrow girl' and wants to 'chew his eyebrows off'

April:April shows the 'obstruction series' and 'the future' photo — a completely blurry image — as serious artistic options for the catalog

Andy · April:Andy and April attempting to get into a bar — April's ID says she's 20; she claims to be 24, then 25

April · Bouncer:Bouncer: 'You're not even gonna show me a fake?' / April: 'Sometimes the confidence confuses people.'

Andy · April:After being denied entry, April awkwardly offers to take Andy to another bar that 'always lets me in' — followed by mutual fumbled excuses to leave separately.

April:April tries to sing the '30 days has September' rhyme to verify March 31st exists and gets it wrong: '♪ 30 days has September, April, March, and November ♪'

April:April, impersonating Ron's daughter 'April Swanson,' tells the citizen that Ron is 'currently dead' and it's 'his last wish' that April have this meeting.

April · Frisbee League Rep:April's meeting with the Frisbee league rep: she immediately joins the team, starts asking about jerseys and team name ('Are we the lightning?'), completely ignoring the actual meeting agenda.

Ron · April:Ron to April: 'I don't care that you text all day and sleep at your desk. In fact, I encourage it. But only because you were doing that one thing... keeping this crap off my desk!'

Ron · April:Ron tells April he wants her to come back. April: 'Well, I don't want to come back. The end.' Ron: 'I was talking to Andy about you. And he made me realize I need you back.' April: 'What did he say?' Ron: 'Don't recall.'

April · Ron:April reveals she knew Ron was 'Duke Silver' the entire time: 'Bye, Duke Silver. My mom has all your albums. I recognized you the day we met.'

April:April's farewell: 'Bye, Zuzu. Bye, Duke Silver.' — said to Ron in front of her family

April · Unknown Citizen:A citizen returns the next day trying to reschedule their meeting with Ron. April's new scheduling: 'June 50th,' '2:65,' 'March-tember one-teenth.'

Leslie · April · Ann · Ben:A puppy arrives in the office and multiple adults immediately lose their minds over it — 'Puppy! A puppy is here! Can we keep him?'

April:April flirting with a caller during the phone bank — 'You sound cool. You sound really strong. Hey, why don't you forget about the donation and just come down here and meet me in person.'

April · Creepy Joe:Please be April. / Yeah? / It's Joe from the phone. I made you laugh. You said come down. / Listen, my van's out back. Let's roll.

Andy · April:Andy wrote a song for April named after a month — April guesses 'April?' and Andy says no, then admits 'That would have been way better'

April:April talking-head: 'Yes, I am 21 years old today. Which is the age that pretty much everyone agrees makes you an adult.'

April:April says now that drinking is legal she's 'kind of lost interest'

Andy · April:Andy seeing April in her party dress: 'You look amazing. Do a twirl. This is beautiful.' April refusing each escalation: 'No. No. Don't look at me.'

April · Andy:April orders 'Whiskey. Neat.' and Andy responds 'Wow, you're not messing around.' April: 'No. I'm not.'

April · Leslie:April to a drunk Leslie: 'Ben the jerk is here.' / Leslie: 'Who are?' / April: 'That one. The one coming over here. Get ready.'

April · Ann:'I want another nurse.' / 'Well, there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now.' / 'Then, I want a janitor. They can do what you do, right?' / 'Yep. Nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable.'

April:'Except no one dresses up like a janitor when they want to be slutty.'

Ann · April:'Please don't do that.' / 'Do? I can't do anything. I'm sick.' — April's passive-aggressive weaponization of her illness.

April:April buzzes the nurse call button repeatedly from her hospital bed — a visual/reaction beat of passive-aggressive harassment.

April · Ann:April accuses Ann of trying to smother her: 'Are you trying to smother me? Help! This slutty nurse is trying to smother me to death with a pillow!'

April · Ann:April's talking-head: 'I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my flu medicine, told me not to tell you, and then disappeared through that hole in the wall.' / 'The door?'

April:April tells Andy's stand-in (nurse): 'I didn't take any [flu medicine]. Leslie came in here and stole it and left.'

April:April's talking-head, watching Ann's confrontation: 'That's the most I've ever liked Ann.'

April · Leslie:April: 'I think it's kind of cool.' Leslie: 'It's not cool. It's trespassing, and that is breaking the rules. Cool people make the rules. They don't break the rules. And if those kids want you to break the rules, then they aren't really your friends.'

April · Leslie:After Leslie's anti-rule-breaking lecture, April asks 'Whoa, who are you even talking about?' Leslie: 'I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm just annoyed.'

Leslie · April:Leslie expresses concern about April's friend Orrin: 'Your friend Orrin with the long black nails and the cloak? He concerns me.' April: 'He's a genius.'

Andy · April · Ann:Eduardo has returned to Venezuela. Ann: 'Oh, that sucks.' April: 'He was a really good bassist. I was actually starting to like him.' Andy: 'I know. That's what made me start to hate him.'

April · Chris:April trolls Chris's post-it request: 'You want five million orange post-its.' Chris: 'That's hilarious.'

Chris · April:Chris gives April a post-it that says 'great job' and enthusiastically tells her 'Great job!'

April · Ann:April calls Ann on Chris's behalf but tells her Chris can't make lunch, then adds: 'I knew you wouldn't care. Good-bye.'

April · Ann · Chris:April calls Ann on behalf of Chris, pretending Chris canceled lunch, then April tells Ann that Chris 'doesn't like you' and 'he's not into you sexually.'

Chris · April:Chris enters: 'April here was very apologetic on the phone. She also sent me flowers. April. Nice touch.'

April · Chris:April delivers a fake urgent memo from 'Bert Macklin, FBI' to get herself transferred back to Parks.

Chris · April:Chris: 'Dude, I think it sounds like it was Macklin's call.' April's reaction to being let off the hook via a fictional FBI agent.

April · Others:April threatens to wear the wedding gift (a terrible sweater or novelty item) to work: 'Don't think I won't do it. I'll wear this to work.'

Tom · April:April discovers Tom has added 'foot massage' to Andy's list of her hated tasks. Tom and April's mutual revelation that they're both getting foot massages from Andy.

Andy · April:April's band's album is called 'April Ludgate Is the Best Ever, Volume One'

April:April's 'Shut up.' reaction to the album name

Andy · April:Andy and April's date night options: watch TV at Burly's, watch TV at April's, or watch TV at Best Buy

April:April's talking head: 'I don't know. I guess we're dating. It's new. Whatever. I don't like labels.'

April · Ben:April and Ben's free stuff competition at the Snakehole — pigs in a blanket, mints, eventually $38 and $180 in tips

April:April pretends to work as a waitress by claiming her dad owns the club ('I'm Janet Snakehole') to get free drinks for the table

April:April: 'We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club and we give to ourselves.'

April · Ben:April wins the free stuff competition with $180 in tips

April · Ben:'We should give it back.' — followed by: they keep the toilet paper

Tom · Ben · April:Tom sprays Dennis Feinstein with Tommy Fresh through his car window as revenge

Andy · April:Two characters hit each other in the chest with what sounds like toy weapons or a game — 'Ouch, ouch, ouch! Right in the chest, ooh! Ow, ow, ow! Bazooka!'

April:April says she might be going to Venezuela. 'Tomorrow. Forever.'

April:April says: 'I'm not mad at Andy. Andy's great. I awesome sauce Andy.'

Andy · April:Andy describes a dinner party as combining 'two of our favorite things — dinner and parties.' April confirms: 'Parties.'

Various · April · Andy:After the wedding announcement, multiple people ask: 'Are you pregnant?' / 'Are you sick? Are you terminal? Is it like that movie A Walk to Remember?' / 'Yes.' / 'What?' / 'No. God.'

Unknown (Leslie, presumably) · April · Andy:'Is it like that movie A Walk to Remember?' / 'Yes.' / 'What?' / 'No. God.'

Andy · April · Unknown (sarcastic responder):'Well, I mean, it's actually a really funny story. We were hanging out. And suddenly, I was like, What if we got married tomorrow? And she was like... Fine.' / 'She's fine.' / 'That is a great story.'

April · Andy:April's middle name is revealed to be 'Roberta.' She refuses to say it, everyone reacts with mockery, and she says 'Such a loser. Can't believe I'm marrying him.'

April:April: 'I'm going to [divorce him]. And then I'm gonna divorce him. Then I'm gonna marry him again.'

April:The wedding ceremony begins and April delivers her vows: 'I guess I kind of hate most things. But I never really seem to hate you. So I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Is that cool?'

Andy · April:Honeymoon video: Andy: 'Roberta here turns out sucks at water-skiing so bad.' April: 'I'm gonna divorce you.' Andy: 'Andy sucks at driving a boat. And I'm gonna divorce him, probably right now.'

April · Ben:April's bizarre house rules: can't use the front door (climb through back window), no personal phone calls, speak to her in formal 'usted' in Spanish, no electricity after 6pm

Andy · April · Ben:Andy confirms April is joking about the no-electricity rule, then April confirms the no-TV-after-breakfast rule, and Andy clarifies she's lying again — 'because it's hard to tell'

April:April's final pitch: they leave the TV on all day so burglars think someone's home — 'which is my idea that I'm trying to patent'

April · Ben:April offering Ben gum in the aftermath of all the bizarre house rules, with Ben just saying 'Mm-hmm' — the casualness after insanity is the joke

Ben · Andy · April:April and Andy's apartment is revealed to be a disaster — described as a total mess despite having just been wed three weeks ago at their wedding which happened in the apartment

April · Andy:April explaining the mess: 'I always think April's gonna clean up. And I never clean up.' / Andy: 'It's cute, right?'

Ben · Andy · April:Ben notices they are 'frying marbles' on the stove

Andy · April:Andy and April explain they were frying marbles to check if the fire alarm worked. 'It doesn't.'

April · Ben:April is eating turkey chili off a Frisbee for breakfast

Andy · April · Ben:Andy and April explain they have no dishes because Burly took them all when he moved out; Ben starts to sympathize and Andy says 'Now I bet you feel like a jerk.'

April · Ben:Ben declares he will teach Andy and April to be adults; April responds with 'Gee, golly, thanks, mister' — dripping with sarcasm

Ben · April:Ben teaches laundry: 'You always separate your lights from your darks.' / April: 'That's racist.'

Andy · April · Ben:Andy and April wash their clothes in bubble bath: 'Eh, bubble bath, clothes soap, same thing.' / Ben: 'No, it's not.' / April: 'Well, they both make bubbles, so...'

Ben · Andy · April:Ben attempts to teach checkbook balancing, then bank account opening — each lesson is visually worse than the last, implying failure with each cut

Leslie · April:Leslie has a 'date' excuse to avoid leading Andy and April on errands; April guesses 'What's his name?' and Leslie starts to correct gender before trailing off

April · Andy:Andy and April in Bed Bath & Beyond: 'Oh my God, they have a thing that makes sherbet. We need five of those!'

Andy · April:Andy and April find the As-Seen-On-TV section and begin grabbing everything: 'Shake weight, Iron Gym, Miracle Hand Repair, Big Top cookie, Pillow Pet, Slap Chop'

April:April: 'Nothing. It's just adults are boring, and I hate them. And I don't want to buy all this stupid, boring, adult stuff and become boring adults.'

Ben · Andy · April:Ben asks if they bought plates; Andy and April reveal they didn't; Ben: 'Oh, plates.' — the realization tone implies he forgot plates too

Ron · April:Ron discovers April has been popping balloons, reacts with horror: 'What the hell? No! Oh!'

April:April explains: 'These were for a sick child at the hospital.' — implying she stole balloons from a sick child to use for Ron's party

Ron · Tom · April · Andy · Jerry:Ron announces he's everyone's boss and the group laughs it off: 'That's a good one, Ron.'

April · Andy:April's answer is Jeff Mangum from Neutral Milk Hotel — a profound indie obscurity vs. Andy's assumption

Andy · April:Andy: 'Why wouldn't you pick me?' April: 'I don't know. You're not technically a rock star.'

April · Andy:'I've told you that, like, a thousand times.' / 'I don't remember.'

Tom · April · Andy:Tom asks where each couple's 'favorite place to smush' is; April's answer is 'In our bed, I guess'

April · Tom:April tells Tom: 'Your stupid Know Your Boo game made me and Andy get in a big fight. He just sold his guitar, and he's, like, quitting music now.'

Tom · Andy · April:Tom's rigged lightning round: makes up questions designed to reconcile Andy and April, including the mac and cheese question

Andy · April:Andy answers 'Kraft?' for who makes the best mac and cheese in the universe; April said 'Andy'

April · Tom:April figures out Tom rigged the game: 'You set this whole thing up so I would be un-mad at you.' Tom: 'You figured out April's trying to trick you. That's worth 100 points.'

April · Ann:April: 'Oh, wow. I didn't realize you were a marriage counselor, Ann.' Then a beat. 'Sorry. My instinct is to be mean to you. I understand.'

Andy · April:Andy performing 'The Pit' with Mouse Rat — April's favorite Neutral Milk Hotel song reinterpreted as a Mouse Rat song

April:I put a poisonous gas in one of these balloons, so if any of them pops, you may die.

April:Is this a nightmare? April, wake up.

April:You look like a freak.

Jerry · April:April, do you have that usage report that I asked for? [beat/silence] Anything for you, Jerry.

April:Ron's trapped in this weird desk prison, and I now work at this traveling IV station.

Andy · April:Andy proposes to April: 'April, I need to ask you something, and it's the biggest thing I've ever asked anybody in my entire life.' April: 'Honey, we're already married.' Andy: 'No, this is way more important than that.' Asks her to be his manager.

April:April's craft: 'I drew something on my arm. It's a pioneer girl watching her grandmother get trampled by buffalo. Yeah. This right here is all the blood coming out of her face.'

Andy · April:The Halloween shopping list escalation: 'Blood orphans. No blood orphans. I don't know what that is.'

Andy · April:The 'dead people we just murdered / not murdered, but pictures of dead people from TV or movies' correction

Ben · Andy · April:Ben's passive-aggressive response to not being told about the party: 'I didn't tell you I was gonna be quietly working in my room. That's a good point. Yeah, yeah. I guess we're even.'

Ron · April:Ron approaches April and Andy's house project, calls the beanbag (eggplant): 'You, bean bag, come with me.' / 'I'm an eggplant.' / 'I don't care. Come with me.' / 'Why?' / 'I need small hands.' / 'I'm scared.'

Andy · April · Ben:Ben arriving at the party in no costume: 'He's going as lame.'

April · Orin:The Orin-at-the-door visual/reaction beat: 'Orin, no! No! Stay out!'

Ron · April:Ron and April fixing the faucet: Ron's obvious pride and satisfaction in completing the repair, culminating in 'Damn it, I just love it so much.'

April · Ben:Leslie denying Ben the Halloween candy: 'If you're not part of the party, you can't have the candy. Back up.'

April:April's confessional about her sister: 'We steal each other's stuff, hack each other's Twitter accounts, set each other's clothes on fire. There are no rules.'

April · Ben:April physically dragging Ben into his room to force him to express his feelings: 'I'm going to beat you up until you do, because I'm mature.'

Ron · April:Ron and April's fake plumbing talk: 'I'd say you've got the handle on that torque wrench.' / 'Yeah, well, the flange was a little warped, so I just goosed it with a triple-three bolt smack.' / 'That was nonsense.' / 'I know, but it's so fun to talk like that.'

Ron · April:Ron giving April his toolbox and saying 'You earned it.'

Andy · April · Ben:Blood capsule reveal: 'Psych! Blood capsules... I wanted to shock you into expressing your anger.' / 'My nose is broken.'

Ben · Andy · April:Ben's list of reasonable grievances ends with: 'Stop using my comforter for your pillow forts.'

April · Andy · Ben:Hospital scene: 'You his friend?' / 'Him? Hell, no. We're brothers.'

April · Andy:April: 'Ew. If your nose is all weird after this, I'm totally going to divorce you.' / Andy: 'Whatever. I'm going to divorce you first for wearing my favorite hoodie.'

Andy · April:Ben's final exit: April tells Andy they can't use Ben's comforter anymore. Andy: 'What are we going to have sex on?'

April · Ben:Final tag: Ben can't find his car keys. April: 'Solve this mystery, genius.' — referring to Ben's Sherlock Holmes-less evening

Andy · April:April and Andy's nightly routine: pizza, Xbox, prank calls, getting hammered, making out — 'We do that every night.' / 'That's because repetition is the key to a good marriage.'

Andy · April:April chooses one bucket list item: holding $1,000 in cash. They withdraw exactly $1,000, and it takes two counting attempts to get to the anticlimactic total

Andy · April:'Have you ever seen this much cash in your entire life?' / 'I just handed it to you.'

Andy · April:Andy and April's bucket list item: winning the lottery = finding a $10 bill on the ground

Andy · April:The 'most amazing grilled cheese ever' bucket list item — 'My bucket list doesn't say make a pretty awesome grilled cheese sandwich.'

Andy · April:April and Andy's action movie hostage scene — 'Just hold up this butter knife to my throat and pretend like you're holding me hostage'

April:April as Janet Snakehole: 'He's stolen my jewels. And now he's going to ravish my body. And he stinks! He really stinks!'

Andy · April:Andy and April in the stolen car: 'The map says 30 hours, but I drive really fast.' / 'I didn't bring any music.' / 'I'll just take a real quick snooze for like 12 hours.'

April · Leslie:April: 'I'll be the Moon.' / Leslie: 'No, you're gonna be South Africa or—' / April: 'Moon or quit, man.' / Leslie: 'Fine. You be South Africa, and you can also secretly run the moon.' / April: 'The Moon accepts your ridiculous proposal.'

Andy · April:Andy's talking head: 'Honey! I just traded Finland's military to Kenya for 50 lions. That's pretty good, right?' April: 'Yeah...' Andy: 'But also militaries are pretty good at protecting countries.' April: 'But so are lions. And you don't have to pay them.'

April:April: 'Say the word, Leslie. I'll sick my army of lions on him.'

April · Leslie:April's Moon joins Leslie's coalition: 'The Moon shall join your coalition.' Leslie: 'Yeah! We got the freaking moon. What are you gonna do without tides, Peru?'

April · Andy:April, as the Moon, joining Leslie's coalition: 'The Moon shall join your coalition.' Andy: 'Yeah! We got the freaking moon. What are you gonna do without tides, Peru?'

Andy · April:Andy and April exit to throw 'scientist bottles off the roof.' April: 'That's right. See ya. Go. Go. Go.'

Ben · April · Andy:Ben and colleague are impressed by college course catalog 'shopping period'

April:April's advice on college: 'Horizons are dumb. Never broaden your horizons. Just take something you're great at and get an easy A.'

Andy · April:Andy's plan to pay for Women's Studies: 'I'm going to beg for money on the street like a drug addict.' April: 'No.' Andy: 'Yep.'

April:April's reaction to the $940 class cost: 'Oh, my God. Everything in my life is going wrong right now. Whose fault is this? I demand to know.'

April · Andy:April tells Ron she's back working at her old job. Andy: 'Do you want a shoe shine? It's $100.' April: 'Laugh all you want, Kyle. I already took the money out of your wallet.'

April:'These are the Black-eyed Peas. And I finally killed them. It's a Christmas miracle.'

Ron · Ben · Ann · Tom · Andy · April · Donna:The reaction shot to whatever large gift Leslie installed for Ron — characters are moved to tears by something the audience doesn't see yet

Ron · Tom · April · Ann:Ron proposes a scale wood model of the office; immediately gets steamrolled into a gingerbread version and takes credit for it

April:OH, I DON'T KNOW, JERRY. IT'S SUNDAY NIGHT, I'M MAKING PHONE CALLS TO STRANGERS, AND YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE. MY LIFE COULDN'T BE WORSE.

April:NO, MIRA, MIRA, MIRA, MIRA, MIRA. IT'S, LIKE, WHATEVER YOU WANT. LIKE, $10. IT DON'T MATTER.

Donna · April:Donna whispers that Millicent is going to break up with Chris; April and someone else confirm; they discuss it while Chris is right there

April:April describes Andy: 'Last week, he was supposed to buy gas, but instead, he bought novelty cookie cutters. Now, everything we eat is shaped like a dinosaur.' Beat. 'He's amazing.'

April:April's assessment of Ann: 'Ann's not totally hideous. Why does she need our help?'

Ben · April · Andy:Ben and the group examine the Pawnee murals for hearts — the murals include 'Cornfield Slaughter,' 'Lament of the Buffalo,' 'Needless Slaughter,' 'Slaughter Gone Wrong,' 'Eating the Reverend,' 'It's Raining Blood,' and 'Death Everywhere.'

Andy · April:April describes herself: 'April hates Valentine's Day. And brunch and outside and smiling. She's weird.'

Leslie · April:Leslie confronts April about contributing nothing and April responds: 'Why should I do anything to help her?' Leslie: 'Because despite the fact that all you do is give her a hard time, she would do this for you.' Then adds: 'Just go hide under the table with your friend Orin. Yeah, I see you, weirdo.'

April · Leslie:April tells Leslie to let it go and have a nice night with Ben. Leslie: 'Okay, fine. I will let it go for now. But I want you to know that I think there is some...' April hangs up on her mid-sentence. Leslie stares at the phone: 'Okay, she hung up on me.'

Leslie · Ben · Ann · Tom · April:Leslie and Ben burst in to confront Ann and Chris on their secret date — only to find Ann and Tom on a date. Leslie: 'What?' Long pause as this registers. Then: 'April. Tom and Ann are on a date.' April: 'I know.' Leslie: 'What do you mean you know?'

April · Leslie · Ann:Flashback/reveal: April telling Ann to ask out Tom. April makes the case: 'This is a small loser town with loser people, and Tom's, like, at least semi-cool.' Then: Leslie responds: 'You know what I'm hearing? You tried to make Ann happy for Valentine's Day. You're a very nice person.' April: 'No.' Leslie: 'Yes, you are. A very nice person.' April: 'Bye.'

April · Ron:April points to graffiti on the studio: 'That's vandalism.' / Ron: 'I have a problem.'

April · Ron:April says to Ron: 'You got it, Duke.' Ron: 'Don't call me that.' April: 'I dig your groovy tunes, man.' Ron: 'Did you hear me? I said, I dig your groovy tunes, man.'

April:Someone (likely April or Andy) asks Tom and Ann: 'When you two spoon, who spoons who?'

Tom · April:April lets out a wild vocalization and Tom says 'I was thinking, like, a crazy rock star vibe. See where her head's at? Follow her lead.'

April · Leslie:April suggests making the rule-following 'more fun' and produces something (implied comically over-the-top) to Leslie's exasperated reaction.

April:I kind of set up Tom and Ann, and now they won't stop asking me for advice, which is a really bad move on their part, because I really don't care what happens to them... Or anyone.

Leslie · April · Tom · Ben:Four years from now, who knows? He might be retired... Or dead. / Let's start a pool. Who wants retired? Who wants dead? / Dead. / No.

Donna · Leslie · Ben · Tom · Chris · April:Ginuwine's my cousin. / Ginuwine? / The Ginuwine is your cousin? / How do I not know this? / Who's Ginuwine? / Ginuwine?

April:Saying his name over and over again is not going to help me.

Leslie · April:Leslie forgot to invite Jerry to his own surprise birthday party.

April:I was getting kind of sick of listening to Tom and Ann talk about their relationship, but then I remembered that alcohol existed. Thank you, alcohol.

April:I can't take it anymore, okay? I'm breaking you up. You guys are done.

Tom · Ann · April:Fine with me. / Fine, fine. / Oh, April. / I'm drunk. You made me drunk, you made me drunk, and you--

April:Why are you guys even fighting anyway? It's so stupid. 'I hate Ann because of this stupid reason.' 'And I hate Tom for this stupid reason.' Who cares?

April:Dog whistle. [April holds up a dog whistle after Champion returns to Andy's singing]

April:Why is your arm around her? I broke you up.

Tom · April:Yeah, when we were carrying you to bed, you correctly pointed out that we were arguing about stuff that was stupid. / I'm drunk. Don't listen to me, no.

April:Ugh, I can't believe I got them back together. Now they're always gonna want to come talk to me about stuff.

Andy · April:They want to talk to you because you're important to them. / Yes, but I hate them. / I know you do, sweetheart.

Andy · April:Oh, hey, I told Chris he can borrow Champion whenever. / Andy, he's kissing me.

April:April introduces herself at a staff meeting: 'Good morning, everyone. I'm April Ludgate, and I will be filling in for Leslie while she runs for office.'

April:'You know what? Why don't we just say that whoever gets to the emergency first will be in charge?'

April:April in talking head: 'I had no idea how terrible Leslie's job is. She referred to this meeting as a non-stop thrill ride.'

April · Giles:'All due respect, Mr. Hamsterpenis, but no, I don't.' / 'My last name is Giles.' / 'Are you sure? Because you look like a Hamsterpenis.'

April:April talking head: 'I hate doing Leslie's job. I'm filling in for a person who smiles 90% of the time.'

April:April says adopting animals to save the shelter would be 'the coolest thing since *NSYNC, Aerosmith and Nelly performed together at the Super Bowl halftime show.'

April:April's justification for helping animals: 'They should be rewarded for not being people. I hate people.'

April · Donna:April has invented backstories for shelter animals: 'A lot of these dogs have rescued people from burning buildings. This one helped Ray Charles around. What? This cat was in Boogie Nights?'

April:'Did you know his great-grandfather was Spuds MacKenzie?' — April to a potential adopter

April:The pet adoption event ends with more animals than they started with — April talking head: 'We ended up with more animals than we started with. This is what happens when you try.'

April:April: 'All of these animals are going to die. God. I hope you're happy, stupid people in this stupid town.'

April:'I swear on my great-great-grandmother's grave. I'm not here.'

Tom · April:Tom shows April a photo that makes her gasp — 'What? What is that photo?' / 'That must come pre-loaded in there or something.'

Tom · April:Tom shows April a photo on his phone and it reveals he has a photo of himself with a puppy pre-loaded (or taken earlier): 'What is that photo? That must come pre-loaded in there or something.'

April:Ooh, I can't believe our house is going to be full of rich people named Dottie and Todd and Rick.

April:Yes, I do, I care about... Andy... And champion.

April:And I want Leslie to win, and I like sleeping.

Andy · Ben · Ann · April · Donna · Chris:'Also, from now on, we'll be using code names. You can address me as Eagle One. Ann, code name: Been there, done that. April is Currently doing that. Donna is It happened once in a dream. Chris, code name: If I had to pick a dude. Ben is Eagle Two.' / Ben: 'Oh, thank God.'

April:April: 'I wasn't listening, but I strongly disagree with Ann.'

April · Chris:April lists everything she's done since being assigned tasks: 'I just got Champion his dog food, cleaned your house, filed that paperwork — you're officially April Ludgate Dwyer — installed a smoke detector, and now I'm back.'

April · Chris:April to Chris: 'Okay, first of all, dark places are awesome. Secondly, Ann is kind of lame, so way to dodge a bullet. And Millicent is Jerry's daughter, so two bullets.'

April · Chris:April: 'You're going to be just fine.' / Chris: 'Thank you. You're right. I'll be fine.' / [Beat] / Chris to camera: 'I'm not fine. It didn't work.'

April:The full name: 'the Leslie Knope Employment Enjoyment SummerSlam Grill Jam Fun-splosion'

April:Parks and Dolls — April sings an original song about park rules and regulations

Ben · Leslie · April · Andy:Ben and Leslie reuniting — awkward extended hug while April watches, then Ben and April exit to have sex, leaving Andy and Leslie visibly uncomfortable

Andy · April:Andy's care package asks April to do his laundry and mail it back

Andy · April:Andy's P.S. that he's been wearing a bandana as underwear for three days, with a picture included

April:April's talking head: 'I love him so much' — delivered with completely flat affect after reacting in horror to the bandana photo

April:April's talking head: enthusiastically agreeing that 'there's no place for Papyrus in a professional office setting'

Ben · April:April drew a mocking picture of Ben with a stick up his butt — April asks who drew it and Ben wonders if it was the interns

April:April tells the score of the Ultimate frisbee game: '1,000 to 7'

April · Ben:April appears and says 'Sorry, Dad.' — Ben immediately forgives her

April · Ben:April brings Ben a report with 30 different fonts — 'Funny because it has 30 different fonts on it, and you only like one.'

Ben · April:Ben asks April for '15% effort' — April negotiates it down to 12 — Ben insists on 15 — April concedes '15, fine'

April:April's talking head about Ellis: 'Ellis hates you, and he has herpes.'

April · Ellis:April threatens Ellis: 'Ellis hates you, and he has herpes.' / 'I know where you live. 14th street, right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your eyes out and eat them, and your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a dog to drag your eyeless face around.'

April · Ellis:April threatens Ellis with graphic eye-scooping violence: 'I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your eyes out and eat them, and your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a dog to drag your eyeless face around.'

April:April's talking head after the threat: 'Do it.' — a simple direct-to-camera encouragement to herself/the audience

April · Ben:And writing Star Trek fan fiction does not count. Ha ha ha. I... finished it last week. What's going on?

April:Dude, 30 years from now, when you're on your deathbed, what are you going to remember? Organizing files or taking a spontaneous road trip to surprise Leslie?

April · Ben:You get snacks. I'll bring music. We'll jam out to some sweet tunage. — Actually, no. I don't want to go any more. / Just kidding. See you in ten minutes. / Just kidding. We're not going. / Road trip! / So we're going? / Yes!

Ben · April:Almost out of gas. / I'll wait till we're on the highway.

April · Ben:Why aren't we moving? / Because. Other cars. / Will you not do that? Please don't. / That's what you do when you... / Please don't do... Great, here comes a guy.

April · Ben:'Benji's Cool Times Summer Jamz Mix' discovery — Ben is embarrassed; April insists on hearing it.

Ben · April:The presidential motorcade finally moves — then Ben and April run out of gas immediately.

April · Ben:That was a great road trip. / We made it 40 feet. / Yeah, well, at least it took a million hours, and it was 180 degrees, and we starved to death. / So fun.

April · Ben:Hey, how about next weekend we fly to Pawnee? Tickets are on me. / Really? That would be awesome. Definitely. / Nah, never mind. I don't feel like it. / What? My God. / See how it feels?

April:When Andy proposed to me, he gave me a ring pop. But then he ate it first.

April · Ann:Wait, why is Chris crying? Why is Chris emotional? Like, what kind of stuff? Why isn't he dating anyone? Yeah, why don't you date him? Because I'm dating myself right now. Okay? I'm trying to figure out how to make me happy. Ugh. Why is it always about you, Ann? Self-centered much?

Andy · April:Police, open up, we have a warrant! Just kidding, it's us. Ha! We got you.

Andy · April:Pizza, the beach, rock and roll music... Smallpox, botched surgery, snails crawling out of your mouth... Laughter. Snails crawling out of your mouth. The beach. Snails crawling out of your mouth. Cute cats. Snails crawling out of your butt. Dave Matthews Band.

April · Ben:April's presentation uses stats: 'Washington D.C. has more dog parks per capita than most cities.' Ben responds: 'Can you say per capita again? I want to take a picture of you saying per capita.'

Leslie · April:Leslie critiques April's appearance — April reveals the goth look is 'publicity for Orin's new performance art show. He's an animal living on a human farm. And you can go and feed him from your own hand.'

April · Leslie:April bargaining: 'Saw off your pinky toe. / No. / Shave your head. / No. / Have sex with Jerry. / No. / Well, I tried to be reasonable.'

Leslie · April:Leslie attempts to distract April with an arts program idea: 'Maybe you should just drop everything and coordinate it.' April: 'I'm not stupid. What is that supposed to mean?' Leslie: 'It means that the only reason you brought me here is to distract me from the dog park.'

Leslie · April:Leslie: 'You hate this show.' April: 'I love this show.' Leslie: 'What's your favorite part?' April: 'The heavy-handedness.'

April:April reveals she told Councilman Jamm about the dog park and he gave her 'a really cool dental mirror to check out my molars.'

Orin · April · Leslie:Orin at the Human Farm: 'Moo.' April: 'Moo.' Leslie: 'Quiet, weirdo.' April: 'Aren't you supposed to be a sheep?' Orin: 'No. You are.' April: 'Oh, shut up.'

Leslie · April:Leslie to April: 'You deceived me for two straight days, and you eat mice.' April: 'I don't eat mice.' Leslie: 'Yes, you do. You're a mouse eater. Mouse eater. Mouse eater.'

Ben · Jerry · Leslie · April:Ben: 'Enough! You are friends and coworkers. In this office, we treat each other with respect.' / Jerry walks in. / 'Hey, April, how is that dog park coming?' / Leslie and April: 'Get out, Jerry!' / 'This is private!' / Jerry: 'Sorry, guys.'

April · Ben:April's apology: 'I'm sorry that I outsmarted you at every turn.' Ben: 'April.' April: 'And I know I have a lot to learn from you, and I'm sorry that I disrespected your stupid dream.'

Leslie · April · Jamm:Leslie and April's plan: releasing dogs and children on Jamm's front lawn. A dog is 'dry-humping my garden gnome.'

Leslie · April · Ann · Jamm:After the deal: 'You just got knoped. And ludgated.' / 'And perkinsed.' / 'Ha-ha. Nice try. It didn't work.' / Jamm: 'You just got jammed.'

Leslie · April:Leslie: 'Wait, wait, wait, do you never just take a second to enjoy things?' April: 'I just said, let's get to work.' Leslie: 'How else do people enjoy things?'

April:Who's Matlock?

Tom · Donna · April:Mine was the time he slipped on a Cinnabon and landed in a bunch of garbage. / My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue. / My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know.

April:Unsurprisingly, Jerry sends a lot of annoying emails. So a while ago, I put a filter on all our accounts. Everything from Jerry goes directly to spam. [beat] There's three years of nice messages on here. 'Congratulations on your wedding. I'm rooting for you kids. Jerry.' 'Hope you have the best birthday, Tom.'

April · Andy:What is the criminal code for a 3542? / Assault and battery. The way I remember that, I picture 35 salt shakers and 42 batteries.

April:And if you don't [pass], I'll just divorce you and marry someone else and then cheat on them with you.

April:I found a dead rabbit on the side of the road, and I cut its feet off and made it into a lucky charm.

Andy · April · Pawn Shop Owner:Andy finds rings that turn out to be former nipple rings — revealed to have been the pawn shop owner's

April · Chris:April steals ALL the marriage licenses so 'no one else in this town can get married, because it makes it less special for us'

April · Ben · Store Clerk:And they were nipple rings, at one point. / How do you know that? / [beat] / They were his.

April · Chris · Ethel:April and Chris wake up City Clerk Ethel Beavers at 10pm — she says she's been asleep for four hours and was on a date, he's sleeping over

April · Chris · Ethel:April and Chris ask Ethel to be their 'adopted grandma' — 'Can we adopt you as our grandma? Fine. Cool! We love you, Grandma!'

Ron · April:Ron: 'Lagavulin all around? Don't bother answering. I am already pouring.' / Then to April: 'You don't have to drink yours.' / 'Thank you.'

Tom · April:Tom's post-ceremony lament: 'Just this once, I thought I nailed something.' April: 'You worked hard and you got really close.' Tom: 'Close only counts in horse grenades.'

April:April's talking head: 'Chris can be very... Paternal.' — delivered with her signature reluctant admiration

Leslie · April:April, as requested, we threw that box you gave us into that volcano. Thank you.

April:Ever since Andy failed the police academy exam, his self-esteem has hit rock bottom. He's always sad and sweaty. He's usually happy and sweaty.

April:Back to forced friendship. Hey, let's go put on our pj's and make White Russians. So fun.

Chris · April:I'm not going to lie to you. I needed that. / I know.

Chris · April:April Ludgate is beautiful... / Stop. / You are talented... / No.

Chris · April:But most importantly, you're passionate about animals. / That's true. It's because I'm half wolf.

April · Chris · Candidate:You're fired. Get out. / No, no, you're not fired, but we're definitely going to have to lower your salary. / Oh, well, fair's fair.

Candidate · April:The spaying and neutering tools, do you think those fit humans? / Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. / And is there a lock on the spaying room door? / Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

April · Chris · Orin:Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave. / Hey, give him a chance. / What makes you qualified for animal control? / I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind. / Get out. / I made you say that.

April:I liked him.

April · Leslie:I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused like a railway worker. / I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.

Leslie · April:I nominated you for the position, and your confirmation hearing is in three minutes. Surprise. / No, I don't want the job. You can have your mud and blood back.

Leslie · April:Let's practice. What's your name? / Batman. See? I failed.

April · Leslie:Okay. / Yes! Yay! / But only if you divorce Ben. / Hey, don't even joke about that. / What? I really think he's wrong for you.

Councilman Jamm · April:Ms. Ludgate, we have found many emails showing how you sexually harassed Leslie Knope's assistant. / Andy? That's my husband. / They were still extremely graphic, and appreciated by all of us. I had never heard of several of those terms, and I'm a freak.

April · Leslie:Easily. Alcohol is delicious and fun... / [pause — Leslie speaks instead of April] / ...damentally a substance that should not be abused.

April:I guess my first move as director would be to fill your office, house, and car with snakes, and then train a crow to fly up your butt.

Ron · April · Leslie:At Leslie's suggestion, I have made you deputy director of Animal Control within the Parks Department. You'll be amazing at it, and the best part, there is no confirmation hearing. / How did you make this plaque so quickly? / I had it made your first week here. I knew you'd be going places, so I wanted to be prepared.

April · Leslie:How did you make this plaque so quickly? / I had it made your first week here. I knew you'd be going places, so I wanted to be prepared.

April · Ron:Can I hire an intern? / Not yet. / Can I hire a Mexican elf? / No. / Can I buy a child bride? / No. / Then how is this even a promotion?

April · Leslie:April promises to water Leslie's plants with 'boiling hot milk'

Leslie · April:'Are you really gonna do that?' / 'Yes.'

April · Andy:'Torturing Jerry was my favorite thing in the world. After making out with you. Remember when we did both at the same time?'

Tom · Donna · April · Andy:Tom's 'pile files'/'filo pilos' meltdown — can't correctly say 'file piles'

Tom · April · Andy · Donna:'Pretty heroic, huh, guys?' / 'Hard to make fun of that.' / 'Oh, man, the cake.' / 'Filo Pilo ruined the cake. Classic Pilo.'

Taylor · Andy · April:Taylor on relationships: 'I've got a lot of love to give, and it just seems unfair to put boundaries on it.'

Taylor · April:Taylor and April's flirtatious 'Should I keep walking toward you?' — meeting-in-the-middle bit

Ann · April:Who's excited to go to Bloomington? / Is that where you're gonna sit? I'm driving. Where else would I sit? / Trunk.

April:Yeah, an empty Sprite can, an old man's fingernail in my pocket, and a picture of Patrick Ewing on a roller coaster. I'm all set.

April:I'm April Ludgate Kevorkian.

April:Sure you wanna leave me here with her? What if I'm a murderer?

April · Ann:As you remember, I'm April, and this is Ann, my 65-year-old grandmother. / Yes, that's who I am. Anyway...

Ann · April:We'd love to hear about Bloomington. It seems like a real hip kind of college town. / Mee-maw, God, no one uses the word hip anymore.

April:Sometimes I wish you went down on the Titanic with all your sorority sisters.

April:How are your local graveyards? I have some planning to do.

April:She said the B-line is cool, Mee-maw. Cool means good.

April:What, Ann? I just stole your phone and texted every guy in it that the baby was theirs. It's not that big of a deal.

April:It was right about marrying Andy, and it was right when it told me that you would be the worst person I would ever meet in my life. And I've met Guy Fieri, Ann.

Ann · April:Well, right now my gut is saying that we are going to listen to Mariah Carey the whole way home. / Good.

Jerry/Larry/Gary · April · Others:Hey, everybody. / No! No, why? This can't be happening. Why, Leslie?

Jerry/Larry/Gary · Leslie · April:And as long as we're starting out fresh, Leslie, I was wondering if people would call me by my real name. / Larry? / No, it's not Larry. It's Jerry. No, it's Gary. / Your name is Larry, Larry Gengurch.

April · Tynnyfer:I'm sorry, was your name Jennifer? / No, it's Tynnyffer with two y's. I used to be Jennifer, but then I decided to rebrand myself.

April · Tynnyfer:April complimenting Tynnyfer's dress as 'bonks' and faking enthusiasm — she immediately tells the camera 'She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world with her.'

April · Tynnyfer:Tynny and I have been, like, totally bonding. We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah blah blah! Like, talking, like, so much forever. / It was all so delicious.

April · Tynnyfer:We also came up with these nicknames for each other. Slut and Skank.

April:You don't want this job. Seriously, this place is the pits. It's like, if you worked here, you'd be like, 'Ugh!' And Leslie would be like, 'Blah, blah, blah.' And you'd be like, 'Uh...'

April:You should totally stay at my house in Miami. / What? / I'm serious. Come by anytime. Just let yourself in. The gate kind of jams sometimes, but you can just jump it.

April:It's Dwayne Wade's house. I got his address off the Internet. I really hope he's there when she walks in and he throws a basketball at her head.

April · Andy:April to Andy: 'Now, be the Chuck Norris of making out with me. I'll karate punch your face with my tongue. Prove it. Hi-ya.'

Ben · April:Ben's talking-head about the DJ: 'I just asked the DJ what REM albums he has. He's got Monster, but not Automatic for the People.' April: 'Wow.' Ben: 'I know. It's like, what is this, a mid-'90s party? No, it's an early '90s party.'

Andy · April:Andy to April: 'Just remember. Every time you look up at the moon, I too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That's impossible.'

April:April, also wanting the bear: 'Why does Blossom have my bear?' (April is dressed as Blossom.)

Andy · April · Ron:Andy is found hiding in a dumpster. He claims: 'I was just here in this dumpster, because I jumped in.' April: 'Get out.' Ron: 'We need to talk. About what? Fresh air. Real weapons. An honest kill.'

April:April's workplace confession: 'I don't know how to run an Animal Control department. Half the documents I get, I put right into the shredder because they're so boring.'

April:April's pep talk conclusion: 'Deep down, everyone is just faking it until they figure it out. And you will, too. Because you are awesome and everyone else sucks.'

April · Andy:Andy and April's goodbye: April produces five bologna sandwiches on cookies. 'I made you five bologna sandwiches in case you get hungry on the way to the airport.' 'Did you...?' 'Yes, I used cookies instead of bread.'

April:April interrupts a formal introduction with 'Hi, I'm April. I stole your wallet.'

April · Leslie:Andrew Luck says 'You guys are weird.' April and Leslie respond 'Thank you.'

April:April about the dogs: 'I want to throw up and kill myself.'

April · Ann:April says one of the dogs on the shelter website 'is so Andy' — doing something only Andy would do.

April · Ann:A dog on the shelter website is identified as having the 'essence of Tom' — it doesn't look like him but just IS him.

April:April threatens Larry: 'If you leave right now, we will make your spirit dog a miniature schnauzer.'

April · Craig · Ron · Larry · Donna:The spirit dogs reveal: we see each character matched to their spirit dog — Craig's is comically wrong, Ron's is perfect, Larry's is obviously Larry.

April · Donna:Donna is assigned a poodle with the explanation: 'Because you're pretty and you like makeup and stuff.'

April · Andy:Andy mowed the lawn at 2:00 in the morning due to jet lag

Andy · April:Andy sleep-calls the dog 'Champion' while passed out, then immediately crashes back down

Andy · April:April was about to spray Andy with a hose inside the house; Andy's response: 'I kinda want you to do it now.'

April:April's business idea: 'Macaroni and poison. It's like mac and cheese, but with a special ingredient.'

April:April: 'I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned into the Joker. But that means you probably shouldn't do it.'

Andy · April:April is sitting on Andy's lap while he plays guitar and sings an improvised song about needing to use the bathroom

April:April: 'Okay, I'm gonna need the sarcasm to take a long walk right now.'

April · Andy · Tom:April booked Mouse Rat for a kids' birthday party; Andy thought it was 'a festival' where 'Dave Grohl might be there'

April:April's defense: 'Dave Grohl might be there. I don't know. He might be anywhere. The guy's awesome, and he's unpredictable.'

April · Andy:April introduces Andy as 'Johnny Karate and his magical guitar stick' with no preparation

April · Andy:After the birthday party, a parent approaches Andy: 'My son wants you to sing at his birthday party next weekend.' April immediately: 'He is, but it's actually $250 for short notice. You can call this number and ask for April Karate.'

April:I think we should book Orin as a headliner. I think it's a no-brainer. Um, he dislocates his shoulder to the music of Billy Joel. The Pawnee Journal called it, 'Why would anyone do this?'

April · Leslie:It was a prank though, right? So sad. People will believe anything.

April · Leslie:Hey, girl. What up? What are you wearing? It's to distract people from my black eye. See? It's working.

April · Leslie:There is some good news. That Mike Patterson guy's show just aired, everyone is angry, and Jamm is introducing a secession bill. How is any of that good news? It's not. I just wanted you to have a brief moment of happiness before you got sadder.

April · Leslie:It sucks. It's okay, April. It's fine. You know, it's a challenge. It's just like a big, fun... stinking turd nugget. It sucks.

Leslie · April:Now I shall meet with a very important person whilst sporting a gruesome shiner. Hey, you're also wearing a tie-dye t-shirt. Oh, yes! I am! Wonderful!

April:You look like Meryl Streep at the end of Ironweed.

April:Ooh, I get it, you have car insurance. Why don't you brag about it?

April:So this was one of Eagleton's top sushi restaurants. But you can't out-run the whale meat police forever.

April:I love it, because it reminds me of the cafeteria in a haunted nursing home, but that's just me.

Ben · April · Tom (absent):I didn't want Tom to leave, so I said all these bad things about the restaurant, so he wouldn't like them. / Damn, we should have coordinated. I don't want to lose that weird little elf either. That's why I showed him all those crappy places. / Oh, I thought you were just bad at your job.

Tom · April:Man, the places that came on the market today are way nicer than the listings we saw yesterday. I know, crazy, right? Real estate.

April:Ew, my husband, weirdo. Can I get back to work now? Thanks. Bye.

April:You sound like a tampon commercial.

April:Ooh, I love watching Russian traffic accidents on YouTube while I play children's music at the wrong RPM.

Donna · April · Leslie:That's messed up. — Yeah, that is really lame, and I'm leaving. — You're better than that, Knope. — Donna, why are you angry? You were in first place.

Donna · April · Leslie:We love your crazy ass too, Knope. / I think you're fine. Like a solid B-minus. / Great. I'll take it.

April · Donna · Ann:[April and Donna present Leslie with a stuffed bunny with Ann's voice] Press the paw. Hi, Leslie. It's Ann. I love you, and everything's gonna be okay.

April:Mm, you touch me and I stab the bunny.

April:I'm just an impartial bunny, but I think Ann sucks. Also -- I'm the zodiac killer.

April:Prom is nothing but a huge party full of smiling, dancing people enjoying themselves. It's literally my worst nightmare. And I hate punch.

April:Fine. I'll go with you, because Leslie's making us, and we live together, and we only have one car right now because you laked mine.

Larry · April:What does 'laked' mean? I tried to jump it over a lake.

April:Why don't you stay out of our conversations, Larry!

Andy · April:Would you like a drink? All this stuff is free. No, it's not. Why'd you pay for a limo? Because it's prom. If you don't show up in a limo, legally, they can't let you in.

Andy · April:I'm April's mom. / You two look adorable. / Ugh, just take the picture already, mom. / My baby is all grown up. / Have her home by 11:00. / Mom, stop embarrassing me.

April:Well, we did it. We went to prom. Yay! Let's go now.

April:Um, I'm gonna go to the girls' bathroom to check the trash cans for babies.

April:I just want to go home, but I feel bad because Andy's having such a good time. How can I love someone when I hate everything he loves?

Teenager · April:Where'd you get that dress? I was buried in it.

April:I spent four years making fun of everyone and hiding mops so the janitor would think he was going insane.

Teenager · Andy · April · Teacher/chaperone:This is your wife? How old are you? He's 33, and I'm 47/immortal. Get out.

April:Yeah, you're having fun now. I rigged an election and got kicked out of prom. I can get on board with that.

Tom · April · Donna:Tom announcing the wine country outing: 'Donna, April, wine country train is leaving the station. You ready?' and April's condition: 'if you drive us there, I will get very drunk.'

Tom · Ron · Ben · April · Donna:The group that Tom didn't invite keeps joining: Ron, Ben, and others all 'tag along' to the vineyard, leaving Tom exasperated

April:April at the sommelier competition: 'Oh, man. It costs $200 to get certified. I wanted to make fun of stupid people while I get drunk. My two true passions.'

Tom · April:Tom offering to bankroll April's entry: 'You want to futz with these fools? I will bankroll you. Really? Oh, hell, yeah, pimp.'

April · Sommelier organizer:April claiming to be from 'The Wine Academy' in Bordeaux; the sommelier immediately grants her entry to Group A based on the fake credential

April:April's wine tasting description: 'It's mostly pumpkin. There's so much pumpkin, it's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special.'

April:April's wine notes: 'I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood, old dirty cashews from your grandfather's basement, and just a hint of a robot's bathwater.'

April:April recommending wine pairing: 'With a filet mignon, I'd recommend a red. Something bold and dry, like David Sedaris.'

April:April's wine description: 'You know in the movies, when the cops show up and find lipstick on a wine glass next to a dead body? This is that wine.'

April:April wins the sommelier competition and announces: 'I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same. And if you spend more than $5 on wine, you are very stupid.'

April:April's thank-you speech invoking Norbit, Pluto Nash, 'all the Klumps'

Tom · April:Tom, very drunk, mishears 'doggy bag' as 'she's gettin' a dog!' and announces it to the restaurant

Tom · April · Donna · Craig:Craig, as sommelier at Tom's Bistro (test/audition): serving a customer who orders 'full-bodied red with fish' and ice cubes in wine — 'I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine, served in a dog bowl. And silly straws all around.'

April:It's a long story, but the short version is, I'm currently catfishing Anthony Kiedis.

April:If you have a secret, you have to tell me. That's the whole point of marriage. You get twice the secrets.

Andy · April:It's about Larry. He is very sick. He has some kind of disease. / Oh, so that's why you've been so nice to him and let him carry all your stuff. / Yes, that's the reason. Good call, babe.

April · Larry:So, um, Andy told me what's going on. / Really? Oh. I was trying to keep it hush-hush. It's kind of embarrassing.

Larry · April:Well, earlier today, I was licking icing off of my finger, and then, boom, I swallow my wedding ring. And I wish I could say it was the first time, but— / Wait, wait, wait. So you're not, like, dying?

Andy · April:Andy's escalating fake secrets: Ben's dog is dying / Ben is dying — he has the same disease Larry has / Leslie is dying / They're both dying / I'm dying / Chris and Ann are moving / They're moving again to China...town in France.

April · Andy:Babe, you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret anymore. / ...But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell you 'cause it's super juicy — you ready?

Leslie · April · Tom:Well, actually, and this is crazy, but it's children, plural. We're having triplets, and... / Shut the— / Oh, my God!

April · Andy:Babe, I am so glad you didn't tell me. / I know. I'm incredible.

April:Andy and I can babysit anytime, except for on weekends and nights, but we're free anytime during work hours.

April:No. Can't I just stay in the back and spit in people's food like we planned?

April · Customer:Hello. Welcome to Tom's Bistro. Today we have spaghetti, linguine, fettuccine, ravioli, rigatoni, bucatini, lasagna. / Could you repeat that? / Spaghetti, linguine, fettuccine, ravioli, rigatoni, Ferrari, Lamborghini, bucatini, lasagna.

April:We had to throw our menus away because they are covered with pictures of Larry's dog's rectum.

April · Andy:One kid peed his pants because he didn't want to miss anything. / What? I gave a kid pee-pants? / Yes! / That's why I do what I do.

April:Pawnee is cheap and we like it here, and Chicago seems like there's a lot of stuff to do and people, but I like to do nothing with no one. So, thank you and I love you, but no thank you, and I hate you. More I love you.

Andy · April:I wish I could marry you all over again. / Let's get divorced. That way we can get married again! / Yes! Let's do it. / You want to? Yes! / We should do that, right? Yeah, totally. / We're getting divorced! Yes!

April:This is not his fault, Swanson. Be a man, and get your house in order. You too, Knope.

April:Oh, yeah. Tiny rolled-up scrolls delivered by trained foxes. I'm on it.

Donna · April:— And I love you like a sister. — Ew.

April:The Meagles are a cold-blooded crew of judgmental grudge-holders.

April:My cousin Winnie once forgot to use a coaster at my grandpa's house, and he wrote her out of his will.

April:The last four Meagle family Pictionary tournaments ended at the hospital.

April:Legally, no more than three Meagles are allowed on an international flight together.

April:But they give great gifts. Gotta get that flatware.

April:I just had to physically separate two 80-year-old men who were arguing about whether it was really Lena Horne in that grocery store in 1970.

April:Hey, everybody. Meagles! I am not screwing around. Lauren, no more discussion of Majorca. Brian and Gloria, stop making Horatio feel bad that your daughter went to Yale. No one gives a shit. And, Ginuwine? Get it together.

April · Donna:You said you wanted a little drama. — That's why I love you, girl!

April:Well, it is simple, Leslie. In today's fast-paced society, National Parks are still the best place for full-moon werewolf transformations.

April:Yeah. Also, you have lipstick on your teeth.

April:Oh! Well, then, welcome to the Terrordome.

April · Andy · Leslie:One time, Andy told her that I was getting rid of my bangs and she called 911.

Ben · April:Any time your name comes up, I panic and change the subject to the Twin Peaks reboot until she gets bored. So, you talk for one second?

April:She'll drown me in the Potomac while she recites facts about the Potomac.

April · Leslie:What's up with these shirts? [Leslie] Just a little fun I was having, you know? I didn't really make the shirts. [April] But did you, though? [Leslie] Yes, I did.

April · Leslie:But did you, though? / Yes, I did. / Ta-da!

April · Leslie:Ta-da! Oh, and also, I have a middle seat. [Leslie] April!

Leslie · April:April, when Randy brings up the river project, that is your cue to... Distract the guard so the Hamburglar can make his escape.

Leslie · April:Well, I have another great idea. How about you and me, April, Randy, 'Historical Lampposts of D.C.' walking tour? Starts in 15 minutes. [April] Sounds great, but I do have an appointment with the President.

April · Senator Gillibrand:I took the liberty of writing the inscription. All you have to do is sign. 'To Leslie, my inspiration, my muse, my partner in crime. I owe it all to you.' And there's room for a P.S. if you feel there's more you left out.

Senator Gillibrand · April:Well, I think I've said all I want to say right here. [April's reaction beat to being denied more space]

April:Fountains. Water. Sky. You. Looking at me like a crazy person.

April:Yeah, well, I had to miss the 'Memorable Rain Gutters of Washington' walking tour, so this better be good.

April · Leslie:Now take your shoes off and wear them like mittens. [Leslie] April. [April] Okay, sorry.

April · Leslie:And I love you very much. Which is why I have decided not to turn you into a sea urchin. Which I could do because I am an actual witch with powers and I'm evil...

Leslie · April:[Leslie] I know. [April] And I hate everything. [Leslie] I know you do. I know.

April:I found this crazy woman on the street and she won't leave me alone.

April:I want to tell people what to do, and then send them far away from me.

April:I feel like I need to take a shower in pig's blood to wash all the niceness off me.

April:Oh, boy. Okay. She doesn't want the job.

April · Ron:I know you normally hate foundations, but this one I think you'll actually like... Well, I had hoped you'd choose a more dignified trade like masonry or logging.

Ron · April:If you intend to move, I suppose you should return the spare key to my house... Good talk.

April · Andy:My desk was right here. Sitting right on top of it this whole time. How much money is it? It's not money. I told you. It's Ron's key.

Andy · April:'If you are looking for Ron's key, I moved it, and you'll never find it. Cordially, April.' Where'd you put it then? I don't know. It was eight years ago.

Andy · April:All we gotta do is train Champion to sniff out Ron's key. Okay. All we need is Ron's key to give him a scent. So give me the key and I'll get you that key.

Andy · April:I found this one, but it has a falcon on the top. I'll keep looking. No, that's it! That's it, Andy! Eagle, falcon, whatever. Not whatever. Eagles are more robust, have stronger talents. Didn't go to Bird School much?

April · Andy:Garry's wedding ring, Tom's watch, Kyle's car keys...

Garry · April:Wait, wait. I lost that wedding ring down the sewer grate six years ago. I know. And I fished it out, so I can put it on my voodoo doll.

April · Garry:Garry, goodbye. We're disappearing forever. You're a nice man and I'm sorry for everything I did to you. Goodbye.

April:Garry, I take everything back. I hate you.

Andy · April:Babe. You had a crush on me. That's embarrassing. We're married. Still.

Ron · Andy · April:To the shoeshine stand! Ooh! Chase me. Stop.

April:The shoeshine stand is gone. Or maybe it was never here.

April · Garry:You fell in the river reaching for a burrito. Yes, ma'am. That was not one of my finer moments.

Andy · April:'Hi Andy, I hate people, but you are okay. It's weird. Woof, woof. April.'

Andy · April:My God, babe, you were so into me. That's hilarious. We're married. Still.

April · Ron:It's a dead end. No more clues. See me in my office. If it makes you feel any better, I had a big crush on you too. That does make me feel a little better. Thanks.

April · Ron:So I guess we are celebrating that you trusted me and I let you down. Great. I change my house locks every 16 days. That key has been useless since the second Tuesday after I gave it to you.

Ron · April:And boy, oh, boy, did you love Andy. 'Woof, woof.' It really is embarrassing.

April · Ron:'Woof, woof.' Bark. Why here? Because this tree reminds me of you. It's strong. And quiet. And always here when you need it. Or whatever.

April · Ben:'Oh, yeah, you completely disgraced yourself and destroyed an entire town.' / 'Yeah, I said we all remember.'

April:April: 'Death is natural, Andrew. We're born, we survive as long as we're useful, and then we're killed, either by our body's natural decay or by those younger and stronger.'

Bobby Newport · April · Ben:Bobby Newport can't remember what office Leslie ran for: 'How's Leslie? Is she still, um... uh... Oh. What was that thing we ran for again?' / 'City councilor.' / 'I don't know. All right, if you say so.'

April:April tells Ben he should be mayor, then says: 'Ugh. Being nice made me feel terrible.'

April · Leslie:April says 'I'm a cool dudette' in response to Leslie calling her cool — and immediately Leslie says 'You've lost it.'

Tom · April:Tom's elaborate plan falls apart when he realizes 'We're calling this off. It's all wrong.' Lucy asks if it's because he said 'it's pizza time.' / 'No, but that definitely didn't help.'

April:April: 'Oh, so glad we're leaving.' (after hearing Garry is mayor)

April · Ron:"Can't we just quickly shake hands, pretend we liked each other, and get out of here?" — April/Ron trying to escape Leslie's retrospective

April:"Are you gonna buy me a bunch of leather handbags?" — April's assumption of what 'Treat Yo' Self' means

Leslie · April · Andy:"One last journey to the weirdest place on earth? Yes." / "Shotgun! W-we're just taking the elevator." / "I get to push the buttons! I called it!"

April · Andy:April and Andy's Janet Snakehole / Burt Macklin Halloween roleplay — 'Damn it, Macklin! I love it when you take charge! I must have you. I know it's against protocol, but make love to me, you fool! You animal!'

April · Andy:Trick-or-treaters interrupt the Snakehole/Macklin roleplay — Andy realizes they ate all the candy

Leslie · April · Andy:Leslie's costume: 'I am Sandra Dee... O'Connor. Get it? Sandra Dee plus Sandra Day O'Connor?' / 'Who's Sandra Dee?' / 'Who's Sandra Day O'Connor?'

April · Ben:"All right. Let's play." / '...No.' — April pretending to agree to Cones of Dunshire

April:April's rant to Leslie about kids: 'You guys got so lucky. You had sex one time, and you had three kids, and they're all, like, smart and great and healthy.'

Leslie · April:"You think that's the only time we had sex?" / "Yes!"

April:April's theory: 'Kids act the opposite of their parents, so that's why your kids are so cool. But Andy and I are cool already, so our kids will be, like, really lame and weird.'

April · Doctor:April giving birth in full Halloween makeup — 'Can I get a warm towel to get that makeup off?' / 'No! I want it on! That's the whole point. I put the makeup on after I went into labor.'

Andy · April:Andy's birth mix playing 'Monster Mash' during labor contractions

April · Doctor:April goes into labor on Halloween and insists on keeping the monster makeup on during delivery

Andy · April:Naming the baby: 'Burt Macklin Jr.?' / 'We need a Halloween angle. How about Demon Spawn Baby Satan Dwyer?' / 'Or, uh... Maybe Burt Snakehole Ludgate Karate Dracula Macklin Demon Jack-o'-Lantern Dwyer? We call him Jack for short?'

April · Ann:April to Ann about her kids: 'Your kids are, like, surprisingly awesome. / Did you use an egg donor or give Chris a hall pass for a night?'

Ron · Andy · April:Ron examining baby Jack: 'Doctor said he has a remarkably large head. Just like his old man.' / 'Yeah, we know what that means — More smart room for it.'

April:April: 'I'm not gonna show up in that picture anyway because I'm a vampire.'

Andy · April:Andy's character choice dilemma: 'Hey, babe, for this picture, should I be Burt Macklin, Johnny Karate, or my new character, Sergeant Thunderfist, M.D.?' / 'Where did you get that?' / 'Found it in a sandbox.' / 'Ew!'