Bens Parents

Andy:April, will you marry me?

April:Did you just eat my ring pop?

Andy:I was nervous!

Leslie:So Ben proposed to me, and it was the most perfect moment of my life. But let me back up. To tell this story properly, I need to start with my great-great-great-grandmother, Millicent Knope, born in 1832 in a small farming community outside of Indianapolis...

Leslie:I just want to shout it from the rooftops!

Ben:You did shout it from the rooftops. We got three noise complaints.

Ron:I appreciate you telling me first.

Leslie:Ron, everyone already knows.

Ron:Well, now I feel like an idiot.

Leslie:This is brand new information.

Everyone:We already know.

Ben:Has you-know-who responded?

Leslie:Oh, you mean Larry Bird? Yeah, he texted back. He said he's cool with it.

Ben:Wait, THE Larry Bird?

Leslie:Yeah, what did you think I meant?

Ben:I have two small requests.

Ben:First trivial, second massive.

Leslie:Ben, I can't just change my candy preference. It's a family tradition.

Ben:It's candy, Leslie. You've had it for like three weeks.

Leslie:Three weeks is a lifetime in candy years. My family has always been Reese's people. My mother was a Reese's person. Her mother before her was a Reese's person.

Ben:That's not a thing.

Leslie:It IS a thing, and you're asking me to betray four generations of Reese's loyalty.

Ben:If anyone can do it, it's Leslie.

Leslie:Actually, no one can do it. It's impossible.

Ben:My situation is... complicated.

Ben:Actually, no. No, it's quite simple.

Tom:So what do you think? Be honest, like Ron would be.

Tom:You're too short to reach the top shelf of your own ambitions.

Tom:We're launching a children's clothing rental service called 'Rent-A-Swag.'

Jean-Ralphio:Rent-A-Swag? That's a terrible name.

Tom:What? Why?

Jean-Ralphio:Because it sounds like you're renting children's clothes, which is what it is, but it also sounds like you're renting children.

Jean-Ralphio:You see, the way I figure it, I take your money, you don't get anything, and I spend it all on myself. It's a win-win! Wink!

April:That was the best presentation I've ever seen.

April:No, wait, I hated it.

April:Actually, it was pretty good.

April:No, terrible. Worst thing ever.

Ben:How about instead we do something more romantic? We could go back to my parents' place in Connecticut.

Leslie:Oh, that sounds nice!

Ben:Yeah, it'll be great. My parents will probably kill each other by the time we leave, but the house is really beautiful in the fall.

Leslie:I'm working on a unity quilt. Each square represents a different person in Pawnee, and when you put them all together, it becomes one beautiful tapestry of our community.

Leslie:I'm also working on a trust fall obstacle course, a interpretive dance about local government, and a ceramic mural that spells out the Bill of Rights.

Ben:Leslie, Joe Biden is clearly on this list.

Leslie:Oh my God, you're right. I don't know how I missed that.

Ann:I'm just going through a dry spell.

Ron:A dry spell? Ann, you've dated like every man in this town.

Ann:Oh, Chris, it's okay. Here, have some water.

Ann:Do you want a juice box? I have Capri Suns in my purse.

Chris:I'm not a child, Ann.

Ann:Okay, well, do you want me to call your mom?

Jerry:Kirk was a better captain than Picard. He actually made decisions.

Tom:Are you kidding me? Picard was sophisticated, intellectual. Kirk just ripped his shirt every episode.

Jerry:Because he was out there fighting! Picard sat in his chair drinking tea.

Tom:That's called leadership, Jerry. I would vote for Picard for president before I'd vote for Kirk.

Jerry:Well, I'm writing in Kirk in 2016.

Chris:I'm just feeling a lot of emotions right now. It's like my heart is a glass of orange juice, and my feelings are tiny pieces of pulp that are floating around in there, creating this murky, confusing mixture that I can't quite understand or fully process.

Chris:I just... I can't... everything is falling apart.

Ann:Chris, it's going to be okay. Here, I have tissues.

Chris:Tissues? TISSUES?! Ann, if I need tissues, that means I'm actually crying. And if I'm actually crying, that means this is real. That means my life is actually spiraling out of control, and I can't optimize my way out of it!

Leslie:I was aggressive with Ben.

Julia:Well, that's just how the Knope women are. We're predatory toward cute things.

Julia:Wait, how old is she?

Ben:She's in college.

Julia:Your dad is in college?

Leslie:We're a Red Vines family.

Ulani:Actually, we're a Twizzlers family.

Ben:We need to leave. Now.

Ben:I'm serious. Like, right now. This second.

Ben:We could jump out the window. It's only two stories.

Ben:I'll hot-wire a car. I know how to do that.

Ben:We could steal a boat. There's gotta be a boat somewhere.

Ben:Okay, forget the boat. We'll swim. We'll swim to Canada.

Ben:My parents are very practical people. They like fishing, hot dish, and Prince.

Ben:So if you want to relate to them, just talk about those three things.

Ben:I called a cab. It's outside. I gave the driver $100 to sit and wait. So, whenever we're ready to go, like, maybe, right now, all we have to do is walk outside.

Leslie:You know what? You're like a musk ox. You're strong, you're loyal, and you can withstand even the harshest elements. You're my ox.

Ann:I'm not dating Chris because I need to focus on myself right now.

April:Wow, that's so self-centered. You're literally only thinking about yourself.

Ron:I've made some very smart investments over the years. Real estate, precious metals, Swiss bank accounts.

Ron:Wait. Why am I telling you this?

Jean-Ralphio:Yo yo yo yo yo! Jean-Ralphio Saperstein in the house!

Jean-Ralphio:Whoop whoop! That's the sound of the police!

Jean-Ralphio:Word association? Okay, I'm ready.

Ron Swanson:Okay. Uh... 'Lumber.'

Jean-Ralphio:Ohhh, that's a tough one. Uh... wood. Hard wood. Really hard. You can just... run your hands all over it. It's very smooth, but you don't wanna get any splinters.

Ron Swanson:That's... that's not how this works.

Jean-Ralphio:I'm gonna take a whack at that little number.

Ron Swanson:If you do, I will saw your arms off.

Leslie:I've made three quilts in my life. The first one was beautiful. The second one was also beautiful. The third one is currently on fire in my apartment.

Ben:Leslie, we've been over this. That's not a quilt anymore.

Andy:Guys, guys! I have an announcement. April and I have decided... we're breaking up.

Everyone:[gasps and shocked reactions]

Andy:Just kidding! We're getting married!

Leslie · Steve:Steve, you like sailing, right? Not anymore, since Julia got the boat in the divorce, and then sold it to a scrap yard because she's terrible.

Ulani:Why am I not on the quilt?

Leslie:Well, you have to be an adult to be on the quilt.

Ulani:I am an adult.

Leslie:Well, not according to the quilt.

Leslie:Wait, you both think it's a disaster? That's great! You finally agree on something!

Jean-Ralphio:You gotta ball at work, bro. Ball hard. That's what I do every day.

Andy:Okay, so I've been thinking about what you said about your emotions being all over the place.

Chris:Yes, I know. I'm concerned about my emotional volatility.

Andy:So I made you this list. Happy things on one side, sad things on the other. You're supposed to balance them out throughout the day.

Chris:Andy, that's not how emotional regulation works.

Andy:Just try it. Every time you feel sad, think about puppies. Every time you feel happy, think about tax code changes.

Chris:That's insane.

Andy:I know, right? But look at you. You haven't had a single emotional outburst in three days.

Chris:That's... actually true. I do feel oddly balanced. How is this working?

Andy:I have no idea. But I'm gonna keep doing it because it's working and I don't ask questions when things work.

Stephen:You know, watching you cut up that quilt reminds me of our marriage. You took something beautiful, made a few cuts, and suddenly it was in pieces.

Ulani:I'm pregnant.

Stephen:Everyone, I have an announcement! Ulani is pregnant!

Steve:This is a very thoughtless omission, Leslie. And as far as I'm concerned, if there's no Ulani square this is not a legitimate unity quilt.

Marlene:This family feud reminds me of the War of the Roses... except in our case, it's the War of the Marlenes.

Marlene:We just talk things through. Your father and I have a very active sex life.

Leslie:Okay, Mom, I don't need to know that.

Marlene:We do it three times a week. Sometimes four if your father takes his vitamins.

Leslie:How do you combine wisdom with oversharing?

Maryline:It comes with parenthood.

Jean-Ralphio:Dude, I'm not even a little bit serious about this. I just wanted to hang out with you and make some money doing nothing.

Ben:We could just leave, you know. Start over somewhere else.

Leslie:Ben, what are you talking about?

Ben:I'm serious. I've already bought plane tickets to Costa Rica, rented a villa, and I may have taken some government office supplies.

Leslie Knope:I'm sorry, I'm just really worried about making out in the cab.

Cab Driver:Look, for the right price, you can do whatever you want back there.

Chris:That was actually funny. I didn't know you had that in you.

Ann:Well, I contain multitudes. Most of them are terrible.

Leslie:Okay, Ben's parents, here's the deal. You can either accept me and support our relationship, or you can lose your son forever. Those are your only two options.

Ben's Mother:Well, those seem like the same thing.

Leslie:No, they're not. One has more disappointed sighing in it.

Jean-Ralphio:So I'm at this bar, right? Having the time of my life. Beautiful women, free shots, I'm on top of the world.

Jean-Ralphio:Then I'm like, you know what? Let's make this night even better. So I borrow a guy's motorcycle.

Jean-Ralphio:I crash the motorcycle into a storefront. Now I owe the guy like twelve grand.

Jean-Ralphio:So I'm panicking, right? I try to sell my apartment to pay him back. Turns out I don't own my apartment—I was just squatting there.

Jean-Ralphio:Landlord kicks me out. Now I'm homeless. Sleeping in a dumpster behind the bar where this all started. Which, you know, full circle.

Ulani · Steve:But I can't because I'm pregnant. You're what? Oh, boy. I didn't mean to steal your spotlight, but the cat's out of the bag. Young Ben is going to have a new baby sister.

Ulani:Yes, Julia, I am. But I can't because I'm pregnant.

Steve:Still firing bullets, son.

unknown:It's like the War of the Wyatts out there, huh? I mean, it's so brutal.

Leslie's mom:Well, like any married couple, honey, your father and I fought occasionally. Sometimes, he won the argument, and sometimes I won. But usually, we forgot what we were arguing about and just had sex.

Leslie's mom · Leslie:And in the same bed. Ugh. God, I miss that man.

Leslie · Leslie's mom:How can you be so wise and so inappropriate at the same time? I'm a parent.

Jean-Ralphio · Tom:See? You just googled 'Amanda Bynes' side boob.' What's wrong with you? Why is your safe-search on? That is amateur hour, Tom.

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Look, man. I believe in this idea. Do you? You know I love you, but I don't think you're as serious about this business as I am. Oh, yeah, no, I'm definitely not.

Ben:I grabbed all of the brownies from the dessert table and four bottles of wine. Get in the car. We're going to Australia.

cab driver · Leslie:For another $100, you can do whatever you want. Let's do this.

Jean-Ralphio · Ron:No, I decided it was best if I took my talents elsewhere. Do you know what I mean? You abandoned your friend? God, no. He fired me. Straight up.

Ron · Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio. I thought you and Tom were working on your presentation. No, I decided it was best if I took my talents elsewhere. You abandoned your friend? God, no. He fired me. Straight up.

Jean-Ralphio · Ron:Anyway, I have an amazing investment idea for you. Condoms with pictures on them. Pass. Good. Smart. I think you made the right decision.

Chris:I can't believe that I spent the entire party in a room being happy-sad on a night that means so much to my two best friends.

Andy:This lesbian nurse is right, Chris. You can't keep it all bottled up.

Chris · Ann:Ann Perkins. You are, without a doubt, the queen of toilet humor. That's all I ever wanted to be.

Leslie:This was supposed to be a happy occasion. You were supposed to come here, celebrate your son's engagement, maybe bury the ax, and not in each other's back. But it did not work out that way.

Leslie:So, here's the new plan. I don't expect you to like each other. But you have to come to the wedding. Okay? We'll seat you far away from each other. You don't even have to socialize. Yeah. In fact, we insist that you don't. But you do have to show up and tell us that you had a great time. That's the deal. You can either take it, or you can take it.

Steve · Julia · Leslie:I can take it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too, Benny. Sorry, whatever. Ah! What a beautiful apology.

Steve · Julia · Ben · Leslie:I can take it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too, Benny. Sorry, whatever. Ah! What a beautiful apology.

Leslie:Ben's parents are insane, but he is not. He's amazing. And that's all that matters. I guess he might become insane as he ages. I should keep an eye out for that.

Leslie:Also, for the record, my unity quilt worked. So, technically, I am three for three with unity quilts.

Leslie:Also, for the record, my unity quilt worked. So, technically, I am three for three with unity quilts.

Leslie · Ben:We only have 30 bucks left. Let's go. Oh. Okay. Get ready, driver. We're going to make out so hard in the back of your cab.

Ben · Leslie:We only have 30 bucks left. Let's go. Get ready, driver. We're going to make out so hard in the back of your cab.

Ron:No need, Tom. I'm in. I like doing business with serious people. And when you removed yourself from the company of that moron, you showed me you're a serious person. You have your start-up money.

Jean-Ralphio:Clubs. Girls. Dancing. Naked. Mom? Argument. Police. Fleeing the scene. Hiding in a dumpster. Coming here. Crashing on your couch for a week because, technically, I'm homeless.