Bens Parents

When Andy proposed to me, he gave me a ring pop. But then he ate it first.

In 1832, Ben's great-great-great-great grandfather, Teodore Wyatt, a bastard, met a beautiful seamstress from Antwerp.

I've been telling everybody about it. I'm so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops. And she has. We've gotten several noise complaints.

The joy that I am feeling right now is profound and unmatched in the modern era. And I can't tell you what it means to me that I am the very first person that you chose to tell.

We have something very exciting to tell you that you have never heard before. Ben and I are engaged. And you're hearing about it for the very first time right now.

Surprisingly, no. Larry Bird has not RSVP'd yet. Well, he kind of waits until the last minute. That's his style. Put him down as a 'maybe'.

One, put Twizzlers on the candy table. And, two, cancel the party.

'No' to canceling the party, and 'no' to Twizzlers. We are a Red Vines family. You're going to have to get used to that.

Well, if there's anyone who can bring my parents together, it's no one. No one can ever bring them together.

My family situation is complicated. My parents got divorced 30 years ago, and they hate each other. Okay, I guess, it's not that complicated.

You guys pretend you're Ron Swanson, and you're trying to decide whether you want to invest in this company. Be super critical. You're short.

Parents, are you tired of watching your middle-school-aged children grow out of the nice clothes you buy for them? Then rent them from Rent A Swag.

I own it. You rent it. You wear it. You clean it. You return it. I get rich. Wink!

It's the greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. No. Yes. It's terrible.

You and I go stargazing in Harvey James Park while my parents slowly strangle each other in the living room.

Of all of my metaphorical art projects, this is by far the coziest.

And, out of respect, I did not include any images of the only other man in the world who's as sexy as you, Joe Biden. Yes, you did, right there. Oh, well, that's just a little one.

My romantic life has been a bit of a mixed bag lately.

This was literally the most beautiful, and moving thing that I have ever heard. There, there, baby boy. Take all the time you need.

Well, sure, in a wrestling match, Kirk would win. But, overall, who would you rather have at the helm of your Sovereign-class starship? Jean-Luc Picard. No contest.

The toast that you gave to Ben and Leslie was so beautiful. And I'm feeling very raw from my therapy. I'm so happy and so sad. It's like a perfect storm of emotions.

Oh! There's no more tissue. Everything ends. No, no, no. No, there's more tissue. Everything goes away.

And I said, 'Rules or no rules, I just have to kiss that beautiful face.' Oh, well, that's a Knope woman for you. When we see something adorable, we attack it.

We didn't know it was spring break.

We're a Twizzlers family.

I called a cab. It's outside. I gave the driver $100 to sit and wait. So, whenever we're ready to go, like, maybe, right now, all we have to do is walk outside.

Well, they're white people from Minnesota. So, hockey, fishing, skiing, sailing. And after a few drinks put on a Prince album.

Also, I have enough frequent flyer miles to get us to Australia tonight.

You are a beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox. Thank you, ox, for keeping this ship afloat.

Because I'm dating myself right now. Okay? I'm trying to figure out how to make me happy. Ugh. Why is it always about you, Ann? Self-centered much?

Ever since I got my first job at the age of nine, I have put all my money into gold, which is currently at an all-time high. So, I have a certain amount of money. I've said too much.

Ricka, ricka, ricka, ricka Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha Swanson Jean-Ralphio. That's me.

I just free-associated all over the moustache.

Okay. Rethink that move, son.

In ninth grade, a quilt ended an argument between my two best friends. And a quilt settled the Donna-Jerry parking lot feud of 2006. What was the third time? Right now.

Police, open up, we have a warrant! Just kidding, it's us. Ha! We got you.

You are such a brave, good dog with so much spirit. You have overcome so much. You are the most wonderful dog in the whole world. And I am so happy for you.

Not technically an adult.

See, Ben? They're agreeing. It's working.

But sometimes you've got to work a little, so you can ball a lot.

Pizza, the beach, rock and roll music. Smallpox, botched surgery, snails crawling out of your mouth. This is weirdly working. It's evening me out.

She's ruining your quilt, just like she ruined our marriage.

You're what? Oh, boy. I didn't mean to steal your spotlight, but the cat's out of the bag. Young Ben is going to have a new baby sister.

Still firing bullets, son.

It's like the War of the Wyatts out there, huh?

Sometimes, he won the argument, and sometimes I won. But usually, we forgot what we were arguing about and just had sex.

How can you be so wise and so inappropriate at the same time? I'm a parent.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm definitely not.

I grabbed all of the brownies from the dessert table and four bottles of wine. Get in the car. We're going to Australia.

For another $100, you can do whatever you want.

Ann Perkins. You are, without a doubt, the queen of toilet humor. That's all I ever wanted to be.

You can either take it, or you can take it.

Clubs. Girls. Dancing. Naked. Mom? Argument. Police. Fleeing the scene. Hiding in a dumpster. Coming here. Crashing on your couch for a week because, technically, I'm homeless.