Ron Swanson

Ron · Shauna:Ron appears and immediately says 'No comment.' before the reporter has asked him anything. Shauna: 'About what?' Ron: [no response]

Ron · Tom:Ron to Tom: 'Let me tell you something, Tom. You suck at Scrabble. I know. You're destroying me. You're worse than my ex-wife, and she's terrible at Scrabble. And she's a bitch.'

Ron:Ron talking-head coda: 'Her name is Tammy Swanson and she's a serious bitch.'

Ron · Tom:Ron confronts Tom about the Scrabble: 'Tom. Ron, I don't know what to tell you, man. April got on my computer. Password was saved.' / Ron: 'I don't even know what lexicons are. I thought that was a luxury automobile.' / Ron: 'I knew that couldn't have been you. You don't have the vocabulary.' Tom: 'I know.' Ron: 'You can't even spell vocabulary.' Tom: 'Yeah. V-O-G-X...' — trailing off — 'Was that right?' Ron: 'No.'

Ron:Ron talking head: 'I'm not an idiot. I know Tom has been losing to me on purpose. But I like Tom. He doesn't do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He's not a team player. He's never one to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I'm looking for in a government employee.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron calls out the contradiction: 'That's funny. Somebody just told me you were queen of the gays. / That was me.'

Leslie · Ron:Ron's escalating non-responses to all of Leslie's attempted contact methods: text, emails, paged, voicemail — all ignored.

Ron:And listen, if this thing blows up, I was never here.

Ron:I have a hernia. I've had it for a while. And I've been ignoring it... successfully.

Ron:...but this morning, [beat] I made the mistake of sneezing. [Ron winces visibly in pain for several seconds]

Ron:But as long as I sit still and don't move my head or torso, I'm good, I got this.

Ron · Tom:Ron silently gestures for Tom to get his lunch from a nearby cart, making Tom walk across the room rather than just ordering it.

Ron · Tom:Thank you. That'll be all. / You're welcome.

Ann · Ron:Ann returns to Ron with a ball for a 'catch' while Ron is supposed to be resting his hernia: 'Catch.' / Ron catches it and visibly regrets it.

Ron:Ron: 'No, I'm safe.' — responding to 'AIDS?' as if it's a reasonable question.

Ron · Ann:Ron: 'I have a hernia.' / Ann: 'Do you have syphilis?' / Ron: 'I said it's a hernia.' / Ann: 'I know. It's possible to have two things.'

Ron · Ann:Ron agrees to a hospital ride, then reveals he rode his bike: 'Yes, please. But I rode my bike, so I have to go home and get my dad's station wagon.'

Andy · Ron:Andy, coming down from the sugar rush: 'I'm in.' / Ron, from offscreen: 'Bring me back two cheeseburgers and a green tea.'

April · Ron:April arrives to drive Ron home: 'Yo. I had to wait till my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys. You ready?' / Ron: 'I was born ready.'

Ron:Ron: 'I'm Ron [bleep] Swanson.' [as he tries to get into April's car and clearly struggles with the hernia]

Ron:Ron's strategy for giving women his house key: 'This is one of my favorite pick-up strategies. I'm constantly giving women my keys.'

Ron:Ron's confessional: 'So far, none of 'em have shown up.'

Ron:Ron's closing: 'Matter of time.'

Ron:'Hey Craig. 50 more copies, please.' / 'You got it.' / 'I have been robbed twice.'

Leslie · Ron:'Why does anybody want to run for public office? You're just asking to have your entire life exposed.' / 'Well, if you're squeaky clean, like I am, there's no problem.'

Leslie or Ann · Ron:'You're married, and you hit on women constantly.' / 'Yeah, but I've never sealed the deal. Just window shopping.'

Tom · Ron:Tom holds up a photo: 'Taliban robes!' / Ron: 'What? Where'd you get that photo from?' / 'Those aren't taliban robes. That's from Halloween. I was dressed like a jedi.'

Leslie or Tom · Ron · Ron:'Did everybody know that Ron's ex-wife Tammy is actually his second ex-wife named Tammy? That's right. Ron has two ex-wives, each named Tammy.' / 'Both of them bitches.' / 'Yes, my mom's name is Tammy.'

Ron:'Tom! That was a jaeger-secret. You just breached a jaeger-secret.'

Tom · Ron:Tom's nickname game: 'Tom-mato sauce.' / Ron: 'Ron-tanamo bay.'

Tom · Ron:Tom reveals to Ron that his marriage to Wendy is a green card sham: 'I just found out your wedding was a sham. It's a green card marriage.' / Ron: 'That's crazy. I was born in South Carolina. These colors don't run, baby.'

Ron · Tom:Tom explains: 'We met in college. She wanted to work in the states. She couldn't get a permit.' / Tom: 'I knew it. I knew you couldn't get a wife as hot as her.'

Tom · Ron:Tom: 'Just admit that when it comes to digging up dirt, I bested you in this game. Say it. Say 'I bested you.'' / Ron: 'Fine, you bested me. Is that all?' / Tom: 'I'll have your wife tonight.' / Beat. / 'I'm just kidding. Get out of here.' / Ron: 'Why would you say that?'

Ron:Ron Swanson emerges as 'Duke Silver' — a smooth jazz saxophonist with a silky persona completely opposite to his Ron Swanson identity.

Ron · Tom:Ron, post-performance, negotiates with Tom: 'I have worked pretty hard to cultivate a certain authoritative or intimidating image around the office.' / Tom: 'Can I get a picture?' / 'Sure.' / 'Say, 'I bested you.'' / 'I bested you.'

Ron · Tom:Ron: 'Thanks for lovin' the Duke.' / Tom: 'Lovely photo.'

Ron:Politically, no. I don't support Chavez. I despise him and everything that he does. On the other hand, this is a pretty sweet-ass gun.

Leslie · Ron:We're all volunteering for Kaboom! A service organization that says it builds a playground in a day. High five. I never trust anything that quickly. That's why I don't eat minute rice.

Ron · Child:I got a remote control and I'm controlling you. Go faster! 'Go faster, Ron's the master.'

Ron:Rules, codes, permits, red tape. I never realized how frustrating it is to be in the government. In my next life, I'm going into private industry. Maybe strip mining.

Ron:This idea better be good. [Beat as Ann approaches]

Leslie · Ron:Can I smoke in here? You don't smoke. Just asking if I can.

Ron · Leslie:Are you high? I'm high on kaboom!

Leslie · Ron:Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness. That's right, you never did ask me for permission, did you? I'm sorry to burst your ka-bubble, but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the city manager, and now this entire department is ka-screwed.

Leslie · Ron:Ron, I'm so, so, so sorry. What the ka-*** were you thinking?

Ron:I would prefer that she ask me for my permission so I can say no. I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm.

Ron:Never, I will not negotiate with greedy street people.

Andy · Ron:A guaranteed starting spot on the Indianapolis Colts... inside linebacker. We can't accomplish that.

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'I'm a simple man. I like pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo, I bought at a framing store, isn't real. Today I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie awkwardly paraphrases herself to Ron: '"It's just coffee, Ron." "She's changed, Ron." "I let Mark nail me and we're still friends."' Ron: 'I never... I would never use those words.' Leslie: 'Point taken.'

April · Leslie · Ron:Only Ron can order the whole department to do something. / Ron, order them to do this. / Do whatever Leslie says.

Ron:I'm impressed with Andy. Pulling himself up by his bootstraps. Reminds me of me. I got my first job when I was nine. Worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor.

Ron:Child labor laws are ruining this country.

Ron:I have no interest in art. Let me clarify. I have no interest in non-nude images.

Andy · Ron:Third time, today. [In reference to Andy getting a shoe shine, apparently from himself or a satisfied customer]

Ron:I haven't been back. I wish him good luck in his business. And, yes, I will absolutely go back to get my shoes shined soon. / I don't frankly see why this is a topic for discussion.

Ron · Jerry · Mark:Ron's 'trail survey' cover story, complete with custom-made trail survey hats

Ron · Leslie:Ron denying the hunting trip while turkey calls are audibly playing: "Hunting trip? We're doing a trail survey, Leslie."

Ron:"And just like that, the one tiny aspect of government I enjoyed was clubbed to death before my eyes."

Ron · April:April being asked to make one phone call and read one number aloud — and Ron asking 'Can you handle this?'

Ron · April:Ron bribing April with "I will name the first turkey I shoot after you."

Tom · Ron · Leslie:Tom chewing tobacco for the first time and swallowing it

Ron · Donna:Ron's gun safety demonstration where Donna almost looks down the barrel

Ron · Tom:Ron's elaborate hunting toast being immediately shot down by Tom: "Ron, your toast sucked. The traditional toast is 'to the hunt.' And it is said by me."

Ron:Ron explaining turkey calls — 'here's the female adolescent turkey' — with the implication the turkeys can tell the difference

Ron · Leslie:Ron warning Leslie not to invite 'more of the motor—' and getting accidentally shot mid-sentence

Leslie · Ron:Leslie: 'You surprised that my breasts didn't throw my aim off?'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie bets Ron $100 she bags more birds than him

Ron · Leslie:Ron: 'Let's split up. I do it better alone.' Leslie: 'Yeah, you do. See? Just one of the guys.'

Ron:Ron's confessional: 'See, at my house I've got a wife and three beautiful daughters. But this trip, it is the one time of year I get to pee standing up.'

Ron:'I've been shot!'

Ron · Ann:Ron: 'I'm just gonna stay angry. I find that relaxes me.'

Ron:Ron's immediate concern after being shot: 'Damn! This is a mess. The rangers won't let us come back next year.'

Ron:The reveal that Ron has a 'day bed' in the 'carcass room'

Ron · Leslie:Ron accusing Leslie of shooting him: 'Did you... Did you shoot me? There was a bird kind of near me, and I know you want to prove yourself.'

Ron:'Marco.' 'Polo.' — Ron playing Marco Polo in the carcass room while looking for the shooter

Ron:Ron's drugged pronouncement: 'You better find out who it was. And then purchase them a coffin because I'm gonna rip them apart!'

Ron · Ann:Ron seeing a lady's mouth 'french kissing a dog' when he looks at his palm due to pain medication

Ron · Ann · Donna:Ron has taken eight Donna's menstrual cramp pills and washed them down with scotch

Ron · Leslie · Ann:Ron threatening to bite Leslie as she tries to force him to vomit: 'I'll bite you!'

Ron:Ron yelling 'Attention, person who shot me in the head. I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna tear you apart!' from his sick bed

Ron · Leslie:Ron's series of 'shoot me in the head' sarcastic invitations — Super Bowl halftime, men's restroom stall, doctor's prostate exam

Ron:'Or perhaps next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's restroom, you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head.'

Ron · Leslie:Leslie offers to make it up to Ron; Ron: 'Sure. How 'bout you shoot me in the head? Wait, you already did that!'

Ron · Tom · Mark:Ron learns Tom shot him without a hunting license: 'What kind of moron doesn't get a license?'

Ron · Leslie · Tom:Ron to Leslie: 'You're a real stand-up guy.' Then to Tom: 'I'm sorry I lost my temper. It was because I was shot in the head by a moron.'

Tom · Ron:Tom's response to Ron's apology: 'Dude, Ron, I'm so sorry.' Ron: 'Apology not accepted, moron.'

Ron · Jerry · Others:Ron's reaction to the 'Welcome back, Ron' banner: "'Welcome back, Ron.' That's terrific. Thanks, you guys. Let's eat!"

Leslie · Ron:Don't be all like, 'I don't want to. I am a guy, and I like fire and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no, says I.' — Leslie's impression of Ron

Ron:None of his family lives here, and all of his friends are frat guys and morons.

Ron · Leslie:That was a really good Ron. / Thank you.

Ron:Leslie thinks you're a wounded animal, so her female instincts are kicking in. Here's what you do. Act sad. Let her pull the thorn out of your paw and wrap a bandage around it. That'll make her feel better. She'll get off your jock.

Tom · Jerry · Ron · Others:Strip club? / Did somebody say strip club? / No. / Somebody say strip club? / You did. / I definitely heard someone say strip club. / You did.

Ron:There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant in Patterson. It is called Jurassic Fork. I have gone there three times a week for the last 15 years.

Ron:Now that you're getting divorced, I sort of feel like there may be some potential with me and Wendy. Would it be okay with you if I was to ask her out once the fake dust settles? ... She might be the perfect spooning size for me.

Ron:I can't go back there. But if you see Jasmine, tell her she can keep Anthony, but I want my microwave back.

Ron · April · Ron:Good. You're gonna take April home. / No, I want to go to the Glitter Factory. / Drop out of school and start doing meth.

Ann · Ron:It's rough in here. Is it always like this? / I wouldn't know. Don't like strip clubs. Smells like a wet mop in here. And I get the feeling that these women is running a low-grade fever.

Ron:Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt of the earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field, your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopes. But I will take a free breakfast buffet any time, any place.

Ron:Does she make scrambled eggs?

Ron:Take it down a notch. You already won your Oscar, DiCaprio.

Leslie · Ron:What is wrong with you? I wish I wasn't alive to hear myself say this, but I am ashamed to be your deputy.

Leslie · Ron:Could you carry him out of here? And, you know, also maybe not have sex with his wife? Thanks. / From the knees. He weighs eight pounds.

Ron:You have a lovely home. (Ron, to Wendy, while carrying the unconscious Tom)

Ron:I've made copies of Leslie's daily work schedule, so we'll just split into teams, and each team will take... Damn, 10 items, and we'll knock this out.

Ron · Tom:Which meeting is this? / Reorganization of Local Auditing Systems. / Kill me.

Dave · Ron · Tom:We got called up to active duty. I ship out in four days. / Oh, my God! Where you going? / San Diego. / Oh, my God! / It's not dangerous.

Citizen · Ron:I found a sandwich in one of your parks, and I want to know why it didn't have mayonnaise.

Tom · Ron:I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal. / Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7.

Ron:They'll hunt the kids for sport.

Tom · Ron:'Bring a case of beer to Sanitation' appearing on Leslie's schedule — revealed as the reason the dumpster wasn't emptied

Ron:I have to run a public forum, supervise the maintenance crews, and teach crafts at the senior center. / Simultaneously.

Ron:Okay, my name is Ron. You don't need to know my last name. Whoever wants to talk, go ahead, and we'll be out of here in a tight 15.

Citizen · Ron:I'm not worried about swine flu. I already have the swine flu. I'm worried about the turtle flu. / The turtle flu? / Turtle flu.

Ron:Ron's negotiation about bringing a large number of deviled eggs he doesn't want to share with anyone.

Ron · Leslie:Ron arrives and immediately starts to tell a story about Mayor Gunderson's dog. Leslie: 'Everybody stop talking until Justin gets here. Don't use up your stories.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron continues trying to tell the dog story anyway. Leslie: 'What part of not talking do you not understand?'

Ron:Ron: 'Poor Tommy. He has a very frail colon.' to Justin, out of nowhere.

Ron:Ron: 'Well, this is great. I'm heading home, so as not to have to be here anymore.'

Ron:Ron's talking-head about his hearing strategy: 'The only type of witness I enjoy being is a hostile one. That's why I intend to answer every one of their questions with a question.'

Ron · Committee Member:Ron's testimony sequence: answers every question with a question. 'Would I have stayed if I knew that?' / 'I don't know, would you have?' / 'Would you have?' / 'No. I wouldn't have.'

Ron · Committee Member:Ron asks if the committee member knows Latin after 'quid pro quo' is mentioned. Committee: 'Okay, thank you, Ron.' Ron: 'Are we done? Can I get a shine?'

Andy · Ron:Andy reveals someone put gum in Justin's coat pockets. 'But he's probably too busy cleaning gum out of his coat pockets.' Ron: 'Wow. Unbetrayed.'

Ron:Ron's talking-head reaction after being asked if he has code violations — long pause, then simply: 'Nope.'

Ron · Mark:Ron's woodshop: no drainage, no ventilation, hazardous chemicals — Ron's defense: 'Yeah, which only I'm breathing. It's the same liberty that gives me the right to fart in my own car.'

Ron · Mark:Mark finds a fire extinguisher that should have been recharged in June 1996. Ron: 'Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those expiration dates the government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine.'

Ron:After the extinguisher demonstration, Ron says flatly: 'Okay. I'll replace this. Happy?'

Ron · Mark:Ron's talking-head: 'I just want you to know that I still don't think city codes...' Mark: 'Ron, shut up.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron arrives in Leslie's office wearing a golf glove with a pom-pom that 'fell off' — he pretends to have come in to search for the pom-pom as a pretense for checking on Mark

Ron · Leslie:Ron, discussing the pit project with Leslie: 'So, how's your hole?' Leslie answers seriously, then catches herself — 'Excuse me? The pit.'

Mark · Ron:Mark shows up at Ron's shop with tools: 'I haven't even started yet.' 'I know. Thought you could use some help.'

Ron · Mark:Ron's talking-head: 'No, I am bringing my workshop up to the Swanson Code. And if the Swanson Code happens to overlap with the City Government Code...' — Mark cuts him off: 'Shut up.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron's reaction to Leslie's resolution of the possum situation: 'Well, Miss Knope. I have to say I'm very disappointed.' — Leslie: 'You didn't have to say that, you could've just thought it.'

Ron · Tom · Tom:We certainly are a bunch of weaklings. Especially Tom. / I am not a weakling. / Arm wrestle me right now.

Andy · Ron:Ron, do you think that maybe I should put Mark in a headlock? That way, I can show everyone how to escape a pervert. / In the scenario you just laid out, you're the pervert. You understand that, right?

Ron · Andy:Ron puts Andy in a hold; Andy tries to escape using his neck and nearly hurts himself

Andy · Ron:Cool. Now, I don't want to hurt you, Ron. / Don't worry about that. Just try to escape my attack. / But just promise me you'll be ready, because I mean, I don't want to destroy you.

Ron · Andy:What is the first move in any fight? / Punch to the balls.

Ron · Andy:Block the opponent's punch and counter-punch to the jaw. / Shoeshine?

Tom · Ron:Tom names Ron's raccoon hat 'Swiss Family Ron-binson' and says 'that hat is dope'

Ron:Ron's surprise birthday party story: he saw friends hiding, drove to a gas station, called the cops, and reported a break-in at his own home

Clarence · David · Michael · Ron:'Sweater swap. She noticed. You were right.' — the old directors caught in the middle of trading sweaters

Ron:Ron: 'I only had one breakfast.'

Ron · Leslie:Leslie made Ron bacon for a trail snack; Ron already ate it out of her purse and 'could smell it before I even parked my car'

Michael · Ron:Michael's marijuana legalization argument: 'Thomas Jefferson grew hemp. Alcohol is legal, but pot isn't? That makes sense to you, Ron?' / Ron: 'I'm sorry. I can't hear hippies.'

Ron:Ron's mocking old-man impression: 'Oh, I want water. I'm so old. I need to drink water.'

Ron:Ron: 'You are one pot-loving motherpain in the rectum.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie's welcome letter is blank — she printed a blank piece of paper

Ron:Ron: 'Oh, wisdom — finally.' — responding to the blank piece of paper

Ron · Leslie:Ron accidentally takes a personal/embarrassing photo when looking for the picnic photo; Leslie calls it 'the wrong one' but admits the 'real one's very bad as well.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron and Leslie's bar — 'The usual, Marta' — they have regulars at a diner that serves breakfast at night

Leslie · Ron:'I really made love to the pooch on this one.' / Ron: 'Screwed the pooch?' / Leslie: 'I don't like that term. It's so vulgar.'

Ron:Ron's impression of what Leslie wanted the old directors to say: 'Leslie, you are the next link in a wonderful chain... you are the chosen one.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie: 'Are we gonna hate each other someday?' / Ron: 'I don't think so. I think we're gonna be fine.'

Ron:Ron talks-head: 'When I become city manager, my first act will be to propose eliminating the parks department, although I expect a spirited debate with Leslie.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron: 'Oh, why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?' / Leslie: 'People are idiots, Leslie.'

Ron · Clarence:Ron reveals Michael made a water pipe out of a stuffed raccoon — 'He made a bong out of a taxidermied raccoon'

Jerry · Leslie · Ron:Jerry reveals he's been scheduling all meeting requests for March 31st because he didn't think March 31st existed, then sings the rhyme wrong.

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'To me, this situation is a blood-soaked, nightmarish hellscape. However, to Leslie Knope... Oh, how fun. Yay.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie suggests they try to get seven more meetings to make it an even 100. Ron tells her to stick to 93.

Leslie · Ron:'Someone is trying to alter a gazebo.' — Leslie treating this as a genuine emergency requiring immediate departure.

Ron · Ann:Ron tells Ann she can 'head home early' and recruits her for meetings anyway, ending with 'Just sit there and don't ruin the city.'

Ron · Citizen:Citizen complaint: 'Your department banned me from attending games just because I yell "you suck" at the players.' Ron: 'According to the complaint, you yelled it at five-year-old girls.'

Ron · Leslie:Leslie calls Ron urgently. Ron's response: 'Leslie, I haven't relieved myself in five hours. So if you'll excuse me.'

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen barbarians away from Swanson castle. Instead, she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.'

Ron · April:Ron to April: 'I don't care that you text all day and sleep at your desk. In fact, I encourage it. But only because you were doing that one thing... keeping this crap off my desk!'

Andy · Ron:Andy to Ron: 'Either you hire her back or I quit.' Ron: 'You don't work for me.' Andy: 'And I never will, sir. Good day.'

Ron · April's Mom (Rita Ludgate) · April's Dad (Larry):April's mom calls her 'Zuzu' and her father calls Ron 'Zuzu's boss.' April's parents treat Ron like a guest, Ron is visibly uncomfortable.

Ron · April's Sister:Ron encounters April's sister and says 'You must be April's sister. I'm Ron.' Then a long pause and [clears throat] 'Nice to meet you.'

Ron · April:Ron tells April he wants her to come back. April: 'Well, I don't want to come back. The end.' Ron: 'I was talking to Andy about you. And he made me realize I need you back.' April: 'What did he say?' Ron: 'Don't recall.'

April · Ron:April reveals she knew Ron was 'Duke Silver' the entire time: 'Bye, Duke Silver. My mom has all your albums. I recognized you the day we met.'

Ron:Ron: 'Good girl.' — after April reveals she's kept Duke Silver secret.

Ron · Andy:Andy, take him outside. / What, and shoot him?

Ron:Okay, take him out and shoot him.

Leslie · Ron:'Diabetes. Let's Dia-beat-this.' Yeah. Four hours to come up with the slogan. Four hours to embroider them. Time well spent.

Ron:That's horrible. I have to nap up. If I don't get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.

Ron · Leslie:What time is it? I'm tired already. / It's 8:03. Your shift doesn't start for another six hours.

Ron · Leslie:Ron reveals he has 'sleep fighting disorder.' Leslie: 'That must be terrible.' Ron: 'Only when I'm losing.'

Ron:I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing is not that hard.

Ron · Leslie:Ron demonstrating chair re-caning on the telethon. 'Over. Under. And you guessed it. Over.' / God, he's actually losing money.

Ron:Okay. My second favorite episode? Monica is making dinner, and Joey is mad at Chandler because Chandler made out with his girlfriend. So, Joey says, 'Get in the box.'

Ron:Ron does an evil villain laugh ('Mwah-ha-ha-ha / Ee-ah-ah-ah') and someone notes it 'Kind of sounded like a chimp there at the end'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie asks 'Until when?' / Ron: 'Indefinitely.' / Leslie: 'And when will that end?' / Ron: 'Later than now.' / Leslie: 'So this week probably?'

Ron · Leslie:Leslie's anger-management technique revealed: 'We count backwards from 1,000 by sevens and we think of warm brownies'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie responds 'I'll wait for you to show up' mirroring Ron's instruction to go wait in her office

Chris · Ron:Chris says Ron Swanson's full name reverently — 'Ron...Swanson' — and Ron visibly savors the moment

Leslie · Ron:Leslie checks the last man on her list: 'Hey, Ron, did we make out last night?' / Ron: 'Good God, woman, no.'

Ron:Ron's talking-head: 'I need to find someone to fill in for April. Now, I know I'm not going to find someone who's both aggressively mean and apathetic. April really is the whole package.'

Andy · Ron:Andy's 'Super-straw' invention: a comically oversized straw he presents to Ron with pride.

Ron · Andy:Ron orders the 'Meat Tornado' burrito after Andy describes it as having 'literally killed a guy last year.' 'You had me at Meat Tornado.'

Ron:Ron's talking-head: 'I like Andy. I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men.'

Ron · Andy:Ron and Andy playing catch in the parking lot — 'Peyton Manning reading the defense! Reggie Wayne, Colts corner!' followed by a car alarm going off.

Ron · Andy:Ron subtly tells Andy that April is in the hospital — 'April's in the hospital, sick with the flu.' / Andy: 'What? I knew it! I didn't know that.'

Ron:Ron submits the menu from JJ's diner — home of the 'four horse meals of the egg-pork-alypse.'

Ron:Ron's response to the handcuffed man situation: 'Damn it. Again?'

Ron:Ron's confessional about loving books about 'vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances.' Then: 'And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinnylegs McGee. I'll tell you that much.'

Ron:Ron's response to Leslie wanting to include Twilight: 'We don't negotiate with weirdos.'

Jack Cooper · Ron:The overdue library book is titled 'It's Not the Size of the Boat: Embracing Life with a Micro-Penis.'

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'My ex-wife Tammy likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay. And if I am, she tries to [bleep] everything up.'

Ron · Leslie:'Whale tale. Whale tale. She's flashing a whale tale. Abort. Abort.'

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior would've driven me wild. But I am in a healthy relationship now, Tammy.'

Tammy · Ron:Tammy responds to Ron calling his new girlfriend 'a lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy' with: 'Sounds like a real whore.'

Ron:Ron announces he's going for 'a mid-morning pre-lunch' before returning 'in time for lunch.'

Ron:Ron, just broken up with Wendy, tells Leslie: 'I just taught her how to whittle. She made me this tiny sharpened stick.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie tells a freshly dumped Ron: 'Look, I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my girlfriends when they get dumped. Men are dogs.' Ron: 'That does not apply to this situation at all. But thank you.'

Tom · Ron:Tom introduces Tammy as his date and says: 'Is seeing your ex-wife on my arm making you uncomfortable? Gee, I can't imagine why. Or can I?'

Ron · Tom:Ron tells Tom: 'You don't know what you're mixed up in, son. This isn't about you. It's about me.'

Ron · Leslie:Cut to Ron and Tammy hours later. Ron is in a kimono with cornrows. Leslie slaps him: 'Snap out of it!'

Ron · Leslie · Tammy:Leslie slaps Ron and yells 'Snap out of it!' Ron calmly says 'Leslie.' Then: 'Congratulate us. Ron's got one just like it on his penis.'

Ron · Tammy:Flashback/explanation montage of what happened at the courthouse: Ron wins at something, yells 'Rock and roll! Yeah, baby!'; then 'You may now kiss the bride.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron in the car: 'Take me back to Tammy.' Leslie: 'For the millionth time, no.' Ron: 'This is our song.' Leslie: 'Your song is Dancing on the Ceiling by Lionel Richie?'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie: 'Oh, wow, look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache.' Ron: 'I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off... from friction.'

Ron:Ron has made a pre-recorded intervention tape of himself: 'Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it means that once again you have danced with the devil.'

Ron:Ron's tape: 'Right now, you're probably thinking Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together. But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain.'

Ron:Ron's tape concludes: 'So you have two choices: One, get rid of Tammy, or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely.'

Ron · Leslie:Present-day Ron watches his own tape and says: 'You stupid.' Then: 'This is a waste of time. You people have no idea what you're talking about.' Leslie: 'That was YOU on the tape. That was YOU talking.'

Ron:Ron announces: 'Tammy and I are in love, and we're gonna start a family together. In fact, she's ovulating. So if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.'

Ron · Tammy:Ron announces the honeymoon plan: '11 days in my cabin in the woods. We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40-pound bag of peanuts for energy.'

Tom · Ron:Tom tells Ron he brought Tammy as his date because she said 'anything to make Ron miserable' when he asked her — cackled for a full minute before agreeing.

Ron · Tammy:Tammy: 'You're not even a man anymore.' Ron: 'Oh, and by the way, last night, I faked four out of the seven.' Tammy: 'Hmm. So did I.'

Ron · Tom:Ron tells Tom: 'Let's go, son.' Tom has been called Glenn throughout and physically humiliated. Ron calls him 'son' — paternal dignity restored.

Ron · Tom:Ron explains a scar on his face/head (from the brawl): 'Tom, women like scars. Shows you survived an attack, and they'll assume the attack was from a man.'

Ron · Tom:Ron and Tom toast: 'To true love. May we both find it.' Then: 'Nice glasses.' 'Wedding present from Jerry.' 'You're not gonna return them?' 'Nah. Too much hassle.'

Leslie · Ron:Ron's suggestion that Leslie just speak alone at the commendation ceremony

Ron:Ron's talking head about photographing every steak he's ever eaten at Charles Mulligan's

Ron:Ron narrating steak photos like a war veteran's photo album — date, cut, sauce, and then 'The lady next to me: A bitch.'

Ron:'Oh, look at me. I'm just a kid.' — Ron looking at his first steak photo with nostalgic wonder

Ron:'Oh, no, no, way too late. I will be deep into my bath by then.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie pitching Indiana's second largest rocking chair as a road trip stop

Leslie · Ron:'What's wrong with you, grouchy pants? I've been fasting all day to save room for Mulligan's.'

Ron:Ron's speech about flecks of meat remaining in his mustache for weeks after a Mulligan's meal — 'and I refuse to clean it because every now and then, a piece of meat will fall into my mouth'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie casually reveals Chris Traeger is joining them for dinner, triggering Ron's outrage

Leslie · Ron:Ron doesn't have a front door and won't tell Leslie his address

Ron · Leslie:Ron banging on the door of Charles Mulligan's, which is closed for a health code violation

Ron:'They just boarded her up like she was some common warehouse.'

Ron:'What happened to the steaks that were in there when they closed? Do you think they got eaten?'

Leslie · Chris · Ron:Leslie's fake interrogation of Chris about female relatives: 'Do you have any sisters? / Any aunts? / Girl cousins? / A youthful grandmother, perhaps?'

Ron:Ron, informed Chris might be cheating on Ann: 'Ask her to bring some garlic salt. I'm worried Chris doesn't have any.'

Ron:'Since I am not a rabbit, no, I do not.' — Ron declining salad

Ron · Chris · Leslie:Ron sees portobello mushrooms on the grill: 'Where's the steak?' / Chris: 'There's no steak. That's a healthier option.' — Ron faints

Ron:'This isn't a steak. Why would you call it that on your menu?' — Ron at a diner

Ron:'Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have.' / 'Wait, wait — I worry what you just heard was Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was give me all the bacon and eggs you have.'

Ben · Leslie · Tom · Ron · Ann · Chris:The entire office erupts in disbelief and joy at seeing Li'l Sebastian while Ben watches, confused.

Ron:'Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame.'

Leslie · Ron:'Let's grab hands.' / 'I don't hold hands.'

Tom · Ron:Tom's solution to the ground search failing: 'We need a bird's eye view.' / Immediately cuts to Ron apparently being asked to climb the Ferris wheel.

Ron · Unknown:Ron's horse timeline assessment: 'If they're missing this long, they're usually dead.' / 'Well, if that's true, then you're gonna have to answer to the whole town. And God.'

Ron:Ron: 'I suppose I oughta go look for him. Right after I get a bratwurst.' — about Jerry still lost in the corn maze.

Ron:Ron grimaces during a meeting admitting to 'just a little tooth pain' and says 'I'm fine. Continue.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron violently recoils and screams 'No! No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!' when someone suggests going to the dentist.

Ron:Ron reveals the dentist already pulled the tooth yesterday — he ripped it out in the meeting purely to demonstrate pain tolerance and to make Tom faint.

Ron:Ron presents a 'vegetable loaf' instead of a cake: 'You've got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your spinach, and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.'

Andy · Ron:Ron on the secret wedding: 'Julia Roberts pulled the same move.' Someone responds 'Is that that toothy girl from Mystic Pizza?'

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'One time, I fell madly in love with a Civil War reenactor that I had only known for six hours. And then I found out he wore those clothes all the time. And he was married. But the clothes thing really bothered me.'

Andy · Ron · Chris · Jerry · Ben:Andy asks Ron, Chris, Jerry, Derek, and Ben to all be his best men — having already asked Tom.

Ron:Ron on his marriages: 'I got married twice. Both times, I was a lot older than those two. And both marriages ended in divorce... and a burning effigy.'

Ron · Leslie:Leslie reminds Ron he was married THREE times. Ron: 'Oh, my God, you're right.' Then: 'I get to burn another effigy.'

Ron:Ron gives detailed instructions for burning an ex-wife effigy: 'The key is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol... from a safe distance.'

Ron:Ron's detailed talking head about how to properly burn an ex-wife effigy: 'The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol... From a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.'

Ron:Ron's entire opening speech: 'This room has several paintings in it. Some are big. Some are small. People did them and they are here now.'

Ron:Ron's speech continues: 'I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it.'

Ron:Ron closes his speech: 'Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.'

Ron · Leslie · Marcia:Ron reveals he had Jerry paint over the nude centaur Leslie with a non-nude centaur Leslie with a 'modern haircut' — and tells Marcia she's free to destroy it

Ron:Ron's confessional: 'There were many kinds of Greek goddesses. Some were lovers. Some were warriors. And some were tricksters.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie catches Ron off guard with his birthday by singing a birthday song at him

Leslie · Ron:Leslie reveals she bribed a Baskin-Robbins employee with a free scoop of rum raisin to get Ron's birthday

Ron:Ron: 'Plus, the whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.'

Ron:Ron's confessional: 'Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.'

Ron · Tom:Ron catches Tom on the phone and Tom claims 'It was personal. I would never make a work-related call. You know that.'

Ron · April:Ron discovers April has been popping balloons, reacts with horror: 'What the hell? No! Oh!'

Ron:Ron's reaction to Ben's birthday party story: 'Damn it.' — long pause — 'Maybe I'll change it up this time.'

Ron:Ron's internal battle: 'I'm ending this right now. I'm just gonna leave early and go home... Unless... That's exactly what she wants me to do.'

Andy · Ron:Andy arrives to shine shoes and notices Ron didn't wear a shirt: 'Ooh, dude, you forgot to put a shirt on. I do it all the time. It's fine.'

Ron · Leslie · Ben · Chris:Ron is called into a meeting by Ben and Chris expecting more birthday party horror — walks in to find a small private room with just a few close colleagues

Leslie · Ron:Leslie reveals the list of party tasks she gave April was 'a list of ways to mess with you' — and April did them all

Ron:Ron tastes Snake Juice: 'Damn, if that isn't delicious.' — Ron Swanson, the man who refused to endorse anything, is immediately won over.

Ron · Tom · April · Andy · Jerry:Ron announces he's everyone's boss and the group laughs it off: 'That's a good one, Ron.'

Ron · Lauren:Ron tells a child waiting for a government interview: 'You can wait at that table, and someone will be here sometime.' Child: 'But aren't you here now?' Ron: 'No.'

Ron · Lauren:Ron to the child: 'Look, little girl, can we postpone this for another day? It's unsettling having you just sit there.'

Ron:Ron's government metaphor: 'It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.'

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine-year-old.'

Lauren · Ron:Lauren: 'You have mustard in your mustache.' Ron: 'Don't sass me, Burkiss. Let's get started.'

Ron · Lauren:Ron's lunch tax demonstration with Lauren's lunch — taking 40% of her food as 'capital gains tax'

Ron · Lauren:Lauren: 'But that's not fair.' Ron: 'You're learning.'

Ron · Lauren:Ron's button to Lauren: 'And that, Lauren, is how FDR ruined this country.'

Ron · Lauren:Ron gives Lauren a Claymore land mine as a parting gift: 'This is a Claymore land mine. Use that to protect your property.'

Mrs. Burkiss · Ron:Lauren's mother arrives furious: 'Okay, what exactly did you teach my daughter?... Lauren was supposed to do a paper on why government matters. This is what she wrote. [reads] It doesn't.' Ron: 'Well said.'

Mrs. Burkiss · Ron:Mrs. Burkiss: 'And you ate her lunch? And you gave her a land mine? Really?' Ron: 'Well, it seemed appropriate at the time.'

Ron:Ron's epilogue advice to Lauren: 'Keep an open mind for a while. Listen to your teachers and read all the books you can. Then when you're 18, you can drink, gamble and become a libertarian.'

Lauren · Ron:Lauren: 'The drinking age is 21.' Ron: 'I know. Another stupid government rule.'

Ron · Lauren · Mrs. Burkiss:Mrs. Burkiss asks Ron to write a new paper; Ron asks Lauren to autograph the libertarian one

Ron:They always try to shake things up, and their ideas are terrible, and it brings City Hall to a grinding halt. I just grab a few donuts, sit back, and enjoy the show.

Ron:Ron reacts to Chris's circular desk reveal by offering donuts to the room — the visual callback to his 'donuts and enjoy the show' confessional.

Ron · Chris:What about my office and its many walls? That becomes a new public waiting room. And we got rid of that giant pillar that was in front of your door. I loved that pillar. It made it really annoying to stand in my doorway.

Ron · Ann:You know what? Don't bother. Maybe I'll just find an open window and plummet to my death. Okay.

Ann · Ron:This isn't gonna work. Okay, you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you.

Ron:This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy. I'm down to one word a minute, and the word is 'perflipisklup' because I can't fly spaceships.

Ron:Citizen request. Swivel, swivel, swivel. Hello. I can help you in here, sir.

Ron · Chris:You have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department. Now, wait a minute. I mean that as a compliment.

Ron:Tom only performs when there's someone to impress, so marooning him on Freak Island isn't helping anyone. And you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone.

Ron:And Jerry can only function if no one's looking. You shine a light on him, and he shrinks up faster than an Eskimo's scrotum.

Ron:(GROANS) Okay. You won't ever hear me say this again, so savor this moment. I may have a compromise.

Ron:Ron talking-head: 'When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half-mast, I thought: All right. Another bureaucrat ate it. But then I found out it was Li'l Sebastian. Half-mast is too high. Show some damned respect.'

Ron:Ron's talking-head on death and self-reflection: ends with 'For Li'l Sebastian, I imagine it was good fresh oats, a trough of water, and a willing sexual partner. Or non-willing. He was a horse, so I think they had to do it either way.'

Ron:Ron: 'Jean-Ralphio is a clown. This is the memorial for Li'l Sebastian, not double-coupon night at a strip club.'

Leslie · Ron · Tom:Leslie tells Tom 'Make us proud.' Then Ron says quietly to Tom 'Make him proud.' Camera reveals Leslie has already walked away — Ron is indicating a framed photo of Li'l Sebastian

Leslie · Ron:Leslie: 'Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.' Ron: 'Unfortunately not.'

Andy · Ron:Andy's work-in-progress memorial song for Li'l Sebastian: 'In my heart, I'm sad you had to die. Li'l horse, spread your wings and learn to fly.' — Ron: 'Horses don't fly.' Andy: 'That's why I'm telling him, learn to fly.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron furiously confronts Leslie: 'What the hell, Leslie? I thought I was supposed to lay the ceremonial wreath. Why is Councilman Howser doing it?' Leslie: 'Because you are doing something better. You are lighting the memorial flame, which is the greatest honor of all.' Ron: 'Oh, my God. Ron, congratulations. I saved it for you, Ron.'

Ron:Ron: 'I think if you would know one thing about me, it would be that I prefer laying wreaths to lighting torches.'

Ron:Ron talking-head: 'I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven, and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed.'

Leslie · Ron · Jerry:Leslie apologizes to Ron: 'I guess I put too much fuel in the torch.' Ron: 'Oh, I don't know, Jerry. I think you're being hard on yourself.' Leslie: 'Ron, are you mad at me? 'Cause without eyebrows, I can't really tell.'

Ron:Ron's talking-head: 'Ron Swanson loves his facial hair. And we burned it off.' — referring to himself in the third person with devastated finality

Ron:Ron to Tom: 'You have no interest in government work, and you slow everything down with your selfish attitude. I'd love for you to stick around, Tommy. It'll be damn hard to replace you.'

Ron:Ron to Tammy One: 'If you're looking for trouble, take it somewhere else. An hour ago, a giant fireball consumed my entire face. And it was far preferable to spending another second with you.'

Tammy One · Ron:Tammy One: 'Tell that to your pants-tent.' Ron: 'It's just the way I'm standing.'

Ron:Ouchie.

Tammy One · Ron:Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground safe. I stole half your gold. / That's decoy gold. You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground, where anyone could find it? / You don't know me at all.

Ron · Leslie:I have no problem with strong women, Leslie. Who is Leslie? My name is Annabelle Vandergraf.

Ron:Ron talking-head: 'On principle, I never say anything that another person is obviously trying to get me to say. My first wedding ceremony took two hours. Because after the priest said, "Repeat after me," I fell silent.'

Ron:Ron presenting Pawnee Rangers gifts: a canvas sheet and the box it came in.

Ron:Ron's description of the canvas: 'and I suppose in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.'

Leslie · Ron:Ron tasting Leslie's 'self-indulgent ethnic food court' bulgogi: 'I would say it's almost as good as lukewarm beans from a can. Right, Ron?'

Ron:I'm trying to teach my boys about rationing food. And your self-indulgent ethnic food court isn't helping.

Ron:Ron describing the Rangers' afternoon schedule: 'We have one activity planned. Not getting killed.'

Ron · Darren:You were defecting? I like you, Mr. Swanson. It's just... All we do is sit in silence and eat beans. Those beans were a reward.

Ron:Ron to Darren about the other Rangers: 'And I'll thank you to keep the ruckus down so my boys can focus on solitude.'

Ron:Ron's opening statement at the public forum: 'This forum, like all public forums, is a waste of time. Thank you.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron is mid-speech about nature and self-reliance when a delivery person arrives with puppies Leslie ordered for the Goddesses' 'puppy party.'

Ron:Ron, sitting alone at camp, delivered his one moment of sincere reflection: 'When did kids get so interested in fun?'

Ron:Ron concedes to Leslie: 'You were right, by the way. Your group is better.'

Ron:The Swansons club ad: 'Do you find video games pointless and shopping malls stupid? Do you march to the beat of your own drummer? Did you make the drum yourself? If so, you might just have what it takes to be a Swanson.'

Ron:Ron to his new Swansons club: 'Before we proceed, do any of you have any dietary restrictions?' [pause] 'Correct. You do not.'

Ron:Swansons, are you prepared for whatever lies ahead? Yes, sir! Before we proceed, do any of you have any dietary restrictions? Correct. You do not.

Ron:Ron: 'First outing is right now. I will be teaching you to dig a proper trench. Does that sound like something you want to do?' Swansons: 'Yes, sir!' Ron: 'This will be no fun at all.'

Ron:Ron's Sherlock Holmes confessional: 'Sherlock Holmes is literally the greatest character in the Western canon... Replace his pasty British frailty with superhuman physical fitness, and you get... Sherlock Traeger.'

Ron · Andy:Ron noticing the leaky faucet while dressed as a pirate at Andy and April's Halloween party

Ron:Ron's confessional revealing April and Andy's 'toolbox': a hammer, half a pretzel, baseball card, a 'Sonic and Hedgehog' cartridge, a scissor half, and a flashlight filled with jelly beans

Ron · April:Ron approaches April and Andy's house project, calls the beanbag (eggplant): 'You, bean bag, come with me.' / 'I'm an eggplant.' / 'I don't care. Come with me.' / 'Why?' / 'I need small hands.' / 'I'm scared.'

Ron · April:Ron and April fixing the faucet: Ron's obvious pride and satisfaction in completing the repair, culminating in 'Damn it, I just love it so much.'

Andy · Ron:Andy says 'the flange was a little warped, so I just goosed it with a triple-three bolt smack.' Ron: 'That was nonsense.' Andy: 'I know, but it's so fun to talk like that.'

Ron · April:Ron and April's fake plumbing talk: 'I'd say you've got the handle on that torque wrench.' / 'Yeah, well, the flange was a little warped, so I just goosed it with a triple-three bolt smack.' / 'That was nonsense.' / 'I know, but it's so fun to talk like that.'

Ron · April:Ron giving April his toolbox and saying 'You earned it.'

Ron:Ron's talking-head: he finds the cult ridiculous BUT respects religious freedom AND they use flutes — 'Flutes are $80 apiece, and recorders are $150.'

Ron · Zorpie:Ron sells a flute to a Zorpie who asks 'Would you take a check? You can cash it tomorrow.' Ron: 'Sure.'

Herb · Ron:Herb: 'Reminder. These flutes are available for purchase. You can't take it with you, people.'

Ron:Ron's response to what he'd want to be reincarnated as: 'Socket wrench sounds pretty good, actually.'

Ron:Ron on his religion: 'Well, I'm a practicing none of your...business.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie tries to confide in Ron: 'Can I speak with you about a personal matter?' / Ron: 'Normally, no. But given there's only 20 minutes until the end of human existence, also no.'

Ron:Ron: 'The sun's going to rise right over there. It will be a regular Friday, and you'll be in the exact same position you were in before.'

Ron:Ron: 'And teach kids that not only is government good but that there should be a World-wide super-government? I'd rather sand down my toenails.'

Ron:Ron: 'Every three weeks, I have to sand down my toenails. They're too strong for clippers.'

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'I've offered Tom his job back several times, and each time he's told me he's just too busy being an entrepreneur. Then two days ago, I saw him spraying cologne samples at Macy's. The young man has a lot of pride.'

Tom · Ron · Courtney:Job interview: Courtney reveals he was fired in 1968 for making a pass at 'an ethnic woman,' has been hitchhiking since, went to Mexico, 'met a lot of ethnic girls,' went to jail, 'and that about brings it up to date.'

Ron:Ron's reaction: 'Are you insane? He was a million-year-old racist! He said he liked ethnic girls, Tom.'

Tom · Ron · Gary (interviewee):Job interview: Gary from Gary, Indiana. 'My name's Gary, and I'm from Gary, Indiana. Amazing. People like hearing that. It's probably one of my stronger anecdotes.'

Tom · Ron · Keith:Keith's job application: Under sex, wrote 'Yes. Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha.'

Ron · Keith:Ron: 'Well-played.' Keith: 'Thank you.'

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'Tom Haverfords don't grow on trees. If they did, I'd sell 'em. Tommy trees.'

Ron:Ron begs the entire department to help him convince Tom to come back — including a dramatic 'I'm... begging.'

Ron:Ron gathers the entire Parks Department and begs them all to help convince Tom to return: 'Everyone, please... Help me. I'm trying to get Tom back. I'm... begging.'

Tom · Ron:Tom asks for his job back with complete simplicity: 'Ron... May I have my job back, please?' Ron: 'Thank you. I will see you all Monday.'

Ron:Tom's welcome-back celebration speech Ron attempts to deliver, struggling with the prepared remarks about Tom.

Ron:Ron's confessional: 'Of all my coworkers, he is one of a small number whom I do not actively root against.'

Ron:Ron, immediately after his praise of Andy, says in confessional: 'There I go, getting all sappy.'

Andy · Ron:Andy shows off guitar knowledge in a beginner's class (naming frets, capos, explaining key changes), prompting the teacher to suggest the advanced class. Andy responds: 'Yeah, maybe I should. Dude, dumb it down. But I couldn't possibly, because I'm just a beginner. I barely haven't even ever seen a gor-tar.'

Ron:Ron compliments a female student as they leave: 'For what it's worth, I think you would make an incredible brunette.'

Andy · Ron:Andy in laser class: 'Where are the lasers?' followed by Ron: 'He's not even using a laser pointer.'

Ron · Andy:Ron, looking at the college course catalog: 'Check it out. You can get credit for playing intramural Frisbee Golf.' Andy: 'You can take a class on the Civil War.' Ron: 'Why would I take a class on something that's already happened?'

Andy · Ron:Andy in the Women's Studies class: 'I want to be burned at the stake.' Then later: 'I wholeheartedly agree. If that woman weren't so violently opposed to marriage, I think I would propose to her.'

Ron · Andy:'Andy Dwyer will be taking Women's Lasers.' Ron: 'Women's Studies.' Andy: 'Sorry. God, I cannot stop thinking about lasers. Women's Studies. Is there such a thing as Women's Lasers? That would be my number one pick.'

Ron · Andy:Ron announces a 'Ron Swanson Scholarship' and gives Andy money. Andy: 'I don't think so. I don't remember applying for that.'

Ron:Ron's confessional explaining the scholarship: 'One thing I promised myself when I buried gold in my backyard was that I'd never be a hoarder or a miser about it.'

Ron · Ben · Ann · Tom · Andy · April · Donna:The reaction shot to whatever large gift Leslie installed for Ron — characters are moved to tears by something the audience doesn't see yet

Ron:'Socks.'

Ron · Tom · April · Ann:Ron proposes a scale wood model of the office; immediately gets steamrolled into a gingerbread version and takes credit for it

Ben · Ron:Marshmallow Ron Swanson — 'His arms are crossed because he's mad at all the other marshmallow workers for annoying him.'

Ron:'I can handcraft 17-foot canoes out of western red cedar, but I can't glue two damn Graham crackers together!'

Ron:The gingerbread city council chamber — 'this is the city council chambers, and that's you, next May'

Ron:Ron Swanson: 'any other damn thing you might need'

Ron · Unknown:BOOM! / WHAT THE [bleep]? (Ron's unexpected strike/bowling reaction)

Tom · Ron:[whines] MY FINGER WAS IN THERE. RON CRUSHED MY FINGER. I THINK IT MIGHT BE BROKEN. / ARE YOU A FEMALE BIRD? / IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

Ron:Ron says 'Great attitude, Ron' after someone apparently compliments the food setup, then clarifies: 'Sorry. I was talking to these ribs.'

Ron · Andy · Ben:When Ron is brought in to help crack the cryptex, he reads the clue and confidently solves it immediately. Andy: 'Told you.'

Ron:The next cryptex clue is read aloud: 'Something wicked this way comes, whence you peruse a book with your thumbs. Go to the one who succumbs. I'll be attached with a little gum.' Ron's reaction: 'Come on, Leslie. Give me a break. I hate riddles and other such nonsense. I want that on the record.'

Ron:Ron deduces that 'something wicked with a book is my ex-wife from the library.' Then adds: 'Which means I'm the one that succumbs.' Pause. 'Good God. That woman is good.'

Ben · Ron:The next clue says 'Only 22 clues left to go.' Ben: '22?!' Ron: 'Well, this is the woman I've chosen to love.' Beat. 'Well, I guess there's nothing to do but spend the entire night methodically solving this puzzle. There's no way we'll finish in time.'

Ron · Ben · Andy:Ron arrives at what appears to be a bar or establishment, introduces himself formally: 'Hello. My name is Ron Swanson. I believe Leslie Knope may have left some kind of scavenger hunt clue here.' Pause. Staff member retrieves something. Ron opens it to reveal whiskey glasses. 'Gentlemen.' He pours. 'Enjoy your evening.'

Ron:Ron finds a clue attached to a whiskey glass and comments: 'Well, they always say break glass in case of an emergency.' He looks at the whiskey glass with deep appreciation.

Ben · Andy · Ron:The scavenger hunt clue progress report: Ben has clues 9, 3, and 4. Andy proudly reports: 'I have 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, and 19.' Then: 'Yo. I found some clues. Also found this.' [shows a weird stick] 'Might be a clue?' Ben: 'No.'

Ben · Ron:Ben is near giving up on the scavenger hunt: 'We failed. If I'd just had a little more time. She's waiting for me somewhere in Pawnee and I'm not going to be there.' Ron: 'Leslie loves romance, but she also loves being right. Is there something you used to disagree on, but you've since come around to her way of thinking?'

Ron · Ben:Ron says: 'Ron, you're a genius.' Then Ben says 'Ron, you're a genius' and Ron responds: 'Yep.' The beat where Ron has no false modesty whatsoever.

Ron · Leslie:Ron approaches Leslie about his upcoming birthday: 'Thanks to your annoying prying last year, I'm sure you remember my birthday's coming up.' Leslie: 'I know, I know. No parties. You hate parties.' Ron: 'Correct.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron continues: 'Oh. You know that wild goose chase you sent Ben on for Valentine's Day?' Leslie: 'The scavenger hunt?' Ron: 'I also do not want that.' Then emphatically: 'I absolutely do not want to solve a series of riddles and clues, each more intricate than the last. You understand what I'm saying?' Leslie: 'Yeah. I got it, Ron.' Ron: 'Good.' ... Long pause. Ron: 'I do want that. Please do that for me.'

Ron:Ron (deadpan): 'Just say your piece, son.'

Tom · Ron:Tom mentions DoubleTime Studio on 'Liondale Road'; Ron immediately asks 'You know the one?' / Tom: 'No.' — Ron pretending not to know the studio where he secretly records

April · Ron:April points to graffiti on the studio: 'That's vandalism.' / Ron: 'I have a problem.'

Ron:Ron's talking head about Duke Silver: 'From what I've heard about Duke, he's kind of a private guy. He doesn't want his nosy co-workers discussing his music with him. Or knowing that he exists.'

April · Ron:April says to Ron: 'You got it, Duke.' Ron: 'Don't call me that.' April: 'I dig your groovy tunes, man.' Ron: 'Did you hear me? I said, I dig your groovy tunes, man.'

Ron · Tom:Ron to Tom about the song: 'Leslie is going to love it. I promise.' / Tom: 'No offense, Ron, but what do you know about music?' / Ron GRUNTS

Ron · Tom · others:Ron plays saxophone secretly in the studio; the group hears it playing on the existing recording: 'Where is that saxophone coming from? / I don't know. / I don't know the first thing about music.'

Ron · Leslie:I'm pretty sure you've worn that sweater four days in a row. / Or I own four identical versions of the same sweater. / No, you don't, there's an old lollipop that's been stuck to the back since Tuesday.

Leslie · Ron:Leslie accepts Ron's 'apology' he never gave and announces they've reached the 'agreement' that she won't take a sabbatical.

Ron:Jerry, what are you doing standing here? Our water has poop in it.

Ron:Leslie multitasks a phone interview while decorating for Jerry's party. Ron in a talking head: 'Crow for dinner tonight, Mr. Swanson?'

Ron:That does sound like me.

Leslie · Ron · Jerry:Leslie and Ron show up in Jerry's bathroom while he's in the tub — Leslie claims it's a 'Parks emergency.'

Ron:Yes, Leslie, what ARE we doing in Jerry's bathroom?

Jerry · Ron:Oh, did we lose more seniors in the woods? / No, it's a sinkhole, right?

Jerry · Ron:Well, we didn't get to the drug store for my liver medication. / Well, you should've thought about that before we dragged you out of the bath, Jerry.

Ron:Jerry's work is often adequate.

Ron:Ron's pause after 'Jerry's work is often adequate' — he nods slightly, as if he's said everything that needed to be said.

Ron · Ben:Is this all the eggs we have? / Yes. / What are you making? / Eggs.

Ron:I used to work in a sheet metal factory, but then a job came along at the tannery. The hours were better, and I would get paid. Also I'd have the chance to work with leather both before and after it was on the cow, which had always been a dream of mine.

Ron:I was so tired, I tried to puncture an eight-gauge aluminum foil with a leather awl.

Ron:Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

Leslie · Ron:Deal. / 15. / 10. / Deal.

Ron:Ron's confessional about telling Chris: 'Fine.' — then the beat of Ron walking over to do it

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'Chris, I feel I should remind you that I do not believe that the position or the entire government should exist. That said, you'd be a fool not to pick me.'

Ron:Ron's plan to dismantle government: 'Some are simple, like take down traffic lights and eliminate the post office. The bigger ones will be tougher, like bring all of this crumbling to the ground.'

Chris · Ron:Chris insists Ron do 'heart-rate meditation, focusing on conscious breathing and opening the heart chakra' as a vetting step for the job

Ann · Ron:Ann delivers blank papers to Ron, claiming 'These are blank,' then immediately asks if she can ask a question anyway — Ron observes 'Weird.'

Ron · Chris:Ron stands during meditation rather than sitting — 'I'll stand.' / Chris: 'Interesting technique.'

Ron:Ron's meditation talking head: 'All told, we were in there about six hours. And no, I was not meditating. I just stood there, quietly breathing. There were no thoughts in my head whatsoever. My mind was blank. I don't know what the hell these other crackpots are doing.'

Chris · Ron:Chris: 'Ron, you radiated mindfulness. What were you thinking about?' / Ron: 'I wasn't thinking at all.' / Chris: 'Incredible. It takes a ton of work for me to get to that kind of clear head space.' / Ron: 'Don't try so hard.'

Ron:Ron confessional: 'I got nothing out of that experience at all.'

Ron · Chris:Ron comes clean about hating meditation; Chris reveals he didn't expect Ron to enjoy it — he just wanted to see if Ron could be flexible. Ron gets the job.

Ron:Ron: 'But first, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in that Greek restaurant next door. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat the whole thing.'

Ron:Ron arrives with his 'plan to reduce government spending by 85%': 'Here's a hint. No more departments.'

Ron · Chris:Ron's response to losing the job opportunity: 'Well, that is disappointing. But don't worry about me. I'll be fine.' / Chris: 'Oh, I know. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, who cares? We're all just molecules floating around in random patterns, devoid of meaning.'

Chris · Ron:'Peace.' / Ron: 'Stop.'

Ron:Ron forces Chris to sit and try his 'not trying' meditation: 'Prepare to experience true freedom and bliss.' — delivered in Ron's flattest possible tone

Ron:Ron: 'I don't usually poison my body with dark alcohol, but this whiskey is excellent. Nectar of the gods.'

Ron:Ron's pep talk to Chris: 'You might consider the upside of losing your job. For example, you would no longer be a government parasite, sucking the lifeblood from honest, hardworking people. Instead, you'd contribute to society like a man.'

Ron:Ron's pep talk: 'You would no longer be a government parasite, sucking the lifeblood from honest, hardworking people. Instead, you'd contribute to society like a man.'

Ron · Chris:Ron: 'That's just one way it might be good. I'm sure there are others.' Chris: 'I'm sure there are.'

Ron:You are here because you gave us money. Now we will give you ribs. Also you will watch the debate. If you like the debate, you'll give us more money. That is all. Ron Swanson.

Ron:Ron's man-to-man negotiation with Bill consists of reading him a children's book: 'We're all your friends, said Mr. Bacon. Welcome home. The end.'

Ron · Bill:Ron: 'Look, friend, I respect your slavish devotion to the free market, but you can't welch on a contract. Where I come from, a man's word is sacred.' Bill raises price again. Ron: 'Okay, what's your stance on pinky swears, George Washington?'

Ron:Ron: 'I will accept payment in van rentals.' — after engineering the fender-bender confrontation into a van acquisition

Ron · Donna:The fact that Ron is running the conference room meeting in Leslie's absence — presented as extraordinary

Ron:Ron's barbecue manifesto: 'no foofy desserts... no giant soap bubble guns... no adult men in costumes... and most of all, no vegetables'

Tom · Ron:Tom: 'Well, Ron, can we at least have corn on the cob?' Ron: [beat] 'No.'

Ron:Ron reveals the pig to the barbecue guests: 'Everyone? Meet your meat.'

Ron · Tom · ensemble:The pig is named Tom. 'Burn.' — everyone reacts to the coincidence with the human Tom Haverford.

Ron:Ron: 'Tom is very smart and incredibly loyal. He's basically a dog. A dog we're going to cook, chew, and swallow.'

Ron:Ron to a child: 'Which one of you youngsters wants to help me drain the blood from this animal? If you do a good job, I'll give you the bladder. You can blow it up for a fun play ball.'

Ron · official:Ron's permit reads: 'I can do what I want.' He presents this to the official as a legitimate permit.

Ron:Ron concedes, then as he leads the pig away: 'Let's go, Tom.' Immediately corrects himself: 'No. Pig Tom.'

Ron · guest:Ron on giving children beer diluted with water: 'Why not just give the kids water?' 'I suppose you could do that.'

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'These people are soft. They're grill virgins. But by the time this day is over, they will have been taken by the grill and delicately and tenderly shown the ways of flavorful meat-love.'

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'These people are soft. They're grill virgins. But by the time this day is over, they will have been taken by the grill and delicately and tenderly shown the ways of flavorful meat-love. The first time is so beautiful.'

Ron · employee:Ron: 'Ron, where are my vegan soy patties?' 'I gave them to the kids. They love them. They're skipping them across the pond.'

employees · Ron:Employee: 'I mean, how are we supposed to eat these rumps?' Ron: 'If no one takes me to the bathroom, I'm just going to have to go in the trees.'

Ron:Ron's reaction to the complaints: 'You have ruined a perfectly good barbecue with your demands and chatter.' — then he abandons his own party

Chris · Ron:Chris's talking head about the barbecue: 'My nomination was Jerry accidentally forwards his bank statement to everyone.' Ron: 'Classic. And depressing.'

Ron · Tom Haverford · ensemble:Ron's barbecue redemption: returns with proper meat, says simply 'Your work is appreciated. Eat some corn.' — then reveals Pig Tom has been slaughtered and cooked

Ron:Ron: 'Damn it, I love this country so much' while holding a 64-ounce soda

Ron · Leslie:Ron's response to Leslie's heartfelt 'How can I ever repay you?' — 'Get me a refill.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron: 'So what? I've tried to fire you.' — delivered completely seriously

Leslie · Ron:Leslie reads her personnel file — 'Brilliant work,' 'Commendation,' 'Above and beyond' — then finds 'Request for termination'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie: 'You tried to fire me once?' / Ron: 'No, no, no, no. I tried to fire you four times.'

Ron:Ron: 'If you need to boot again, the trash can's on your right.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron's explanation for trying to fire Leslie: 'You were insubordinate, stubborn, a pain in my ass, and, worst of all, bubbly.'

Ron · Leslie:Leslie: 'I was a dedicated public servant.' Ron: 'Right. That was the worst thing you were.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie: 'As far as this firing stuff goes, I won't forget and I will never forgive you.' Ron: [takes this as the correct response]

Andy · Children · Ron:Hi, I'm Andy. I really like your dress. / I'm a princess. / I'm a mermaid. / I'm the director of Parks and Recreation. I'm here to fix that hole.

Ron:Your tax dollars at work.

Ron · Diane:Ron Swanson fixing a pothole himself — 'Yes, ma'am. Yes, I do.' when asked if he knows what he's doing.

Ron · Diane · Andy:Ron is given lemonade by Diane and they have a normal, pleasant interaction — a visual contrast to Andy in the background apparently playing with the children.

Ron · Diane:Lemonade? Please and thank you.

Ron · Diane:That's where I got these gloves. / Right?

Ron · Andy:Andy, come help me tamp this down. / For the last time, Ron, it's Princess Rainbow Sparkle.

Andy · Ron:I think it would really make Diane happy. / Why would that matter? / Shut up.

Ron:Would you please come help me tamp this down? It's a job that requires two men. Or does it require two princesses?

Ron · Diane:I came here to fix a pothole, not be mocked. / I'm sorry, it's just... your face is ridiculous.

Ron · Diane:I came here to fix a pothole, not be mocked. I'm sorry, it's just... your face is ridiculous.

Ron · Andy:'A,' I don't recall inviting you in here, and 'B,' I did not like her. Her life is messy. / Ron, messy is fun, okay? My whole life is a giant mess and I love it. I mean, look at my hair. I have gum in my hair.

Andy · Ron:Diane is awesome and she likes you. And you like her. I can tell. 'A,' I don't recall inviting you in here, and 'B,' I did not like her. She's not my type. Her life is messy. Ron, messy is fun, okay? My whole life is a giant mess and I love it. I mean, look at my hair. I have gum in my hair.

Chris · Ron:Excellent work, everyone! Particularly you, Ron. You have one very satisfied citizen. What did you do for her? I fixed her pothole. Is that a euphemism? No. Then great work.

Chris · Ben · Ron:Excellent work, everyone! Particularly you, Ron. You have one very satisfied citizen. / What did you do for her? / I fixed her pothole. / Is that a euphemism? / No. / Then great work.

Ron · Diane:If you're here to complain about the pothole, I guarantee I did it correctly. Actually, I'm here to ask you out for dinner. Really?

Ron:Well, it'll be casual. No need to wear makeup.

Ron:I do not like this. (Ron's talking head, presumably about Diane or the whole situation with his feelings)

Diane · Ron:'Too late. Good-bye.' — Diane walks out after Ron fails to apologize.

Andy · Ron:Andy: 'Dude, you're totally blowing this.' — Ron: 'I'm not gonna apologize. It wasn't even a real tiara, for God's sake.' — Andy: 'Oh, well, relationship over. Too bad.'

Ron:Ever since I got my first job at the age of nine, I have put all my money into gold, which is currently at an all-time high. So, I have a certain amount of money. I've said too much.

Jean-Ralphio · Ron:Ricka, ricka, ricka, ricka / Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha / Swanson [Jean-Ralphio rapping/singing]. Jean-Ralphio. That's me.

Ron:What are those, shrimp? Okay. Rethink that move, son.

Jean-Ralphio · Ron:No, I decided it was best if I took my talents elsewhere. Do you know what I mean? You abandoned your friend? God, no. He fired me. Straight up.

Ron · Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio. I thought you and Tom were working on your presentation. No, I decided it was best if I took my talents elsewhere. You abandoned your friend? God, no. He fired me. Straight up.

Jean-Ralphio · Ron:Anyway, I have an amazing investment idea for you. Condoms with pictures on them. Pass. Good. Smart. I think you made the right decision.

Ron:No need, Tom. I'm in. I like doing business with serious people. And when you removed yourself from the company of that moron, you showed me you're a serious person. You have your start-up money.

Ron · Leslie:Ron: 'I didn't. You just walked in here and started talking.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron describes distracting an over-enthusiastic employee with a fake brochure: 'I once had you put together a brochure about different kinds of Indiana topsoil.'

Leslie · Ron:Ron: 'Those were distraction waffles?' Leslie: 'I thought they were friendship waffles.' Ron: 'Breakfast food can serve many purposes.'

Ron:Ron: 'Breakfast food can serve many purposes.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron agrees to guard the meeting room door: 'No one leaves the Octagon.' / Leslie: 'I dated an ultimate fighter. It was like a thing he said.'

Ron:Recently, I made a chair. When I was finished, I thought it was a good chair. [beat] I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association, who felt it merited consideration for an award. [beat] It's been a real whirlwind.

Ron:This might be the first time I've ever wanted to attend an event.

Leslie · Ron:Oh, my God, I love events! I can't wait to go tonight. [beat] Why are you going?

Ron · Leslie:You're not taking 'no' for an answer, are you? / Oh, I forgot to sing you my merry Congratu-Christmas carol. ♪ Jingle bells, jingle yay, jingle good for you ♪ / Get out.

Ron · Leslie · Diane:Ron. Ah! Leslie, may I present Diane Lewis? Diane, this is Leslie Knope. / Diane, wow. Ron has told me so much about you, in that he has told me your name is Diane, and you exist.

Ron:Mary, mother of God. That's Christian Becksvoort! He's the modern master of the Shaker style. I never dreamed that I would see him in the flesh.

Leslie · Ron:Ron, guess why my thumbs are up. / No.

Ron · Leslie:I don't need your approval. / But you have it. / Don't need it. / But you got it.

Ron:Tammy, this is Diane. Diane, this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy, who is also my ex-wife.

Ron:Everything is done. They are totally done.

Tammy · Ron · Tammy:Oh, my gosh. What a coinky-dinky. Look, we're sitting at the same table! / Tammy, this table is reserved. / A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. That's my boob and my butt, respectively. Remember that, Ron?

Ron:This award is the only one I'd ever give a damn about. I made my first chair when I was five, but the quality of the wood was wanting, so when I turned nine, I used my factory wages to purchase some beautiful local walnut.

Ron:Uh, thank you... for this... [long pause] Uh, this all good -- night good. Uh...

Ron:I don't think of you romantically. You're pro-government, you never stop talking, and you have blonde hair. You're my worst nightmare.

Leslie · Ron:I know when your birthday is. / So does Baskin-Robbins.

Leslie · Ron:I know that you secretly love artichokes and plums. / Keep your voice down, woman!

Ron:Tammy's waiting for me in my car.

Ron:Protect your eyes, she's a gouger.

Tammy · Ron:Well, hello there, Big B-- / Gross! Leslie? Where's Ron?

Ron:Leslie is a wonderful, loyal friend, who is very important in my life, but I would sooner visit Europe than have something romantic happen between us.

Ron · Diane:Although, if you'd like to visit Europe, I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it. But not France, right? / God, no.

Leslie · Ron:Leslie's reaction watching Duke Silver perform: 'You're so lucky.' / (Ron sees her) 'I'm going to kill you.'

Tammy · Ron:Hey, Ron, why don't you get me out of these handcuffs, so I can put you into these handcuffs. / Yes, please officer, get her out of those cuffs. I want this to be a fair fight.

Leslie · Ron:Officer, did you see any sign of a passenger? [beat] / Ron! / There we go.

Ron:Ron says walking Leslie down the aisle 'would be an honor, and the first time I won't regret walking down the aisle'

Ron · Ben's Dad (Chris):Ron breaks his 'not going to cry' promise five times, is consoled by Ben's dad-figure

Ben · Ron:Ben tells Ron he's 'transferring his crying thing' to him — Ron breaking down and saying 'it's okay buddy, let it out'

Ron · Jamm:Ron punching Jamm in the teeth at the wedding — breaking his tooth — then Jamm saying 'Well, good thing you're an orthodontist'

Ron · Jamm:Jamm: 'You broke my tooth.' / Ron: 'Well, good thing you're an orthodontist.' / Jamm: 'Yeah, it is a good thing. You see my house? Five bathrooms.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron's apology: 'I've never presented a bride on her wedding day... I don't think you're supposed to punch a man in the mouth during the service.' / Leslie: 'I think that's exactly what you're supposed to do, if that mouth is attached to a drunk jerk-face.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron's apology beat: 'I don't think you're supposed to punch a man in the mouth during the service.' Leslie: 'I think that's exactly what you're supposed to do, if that mouth is attached to a drunk jerk-face.'

Ben · Leslie · Ron:Ben: 'I got five bathrooms.' / Leslie: 'I love the first floor of City Hall at night. / Ron: 'I've never willingly been here later than 5:04 p.m.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron's rare tender speech to Leslie before the ceremony — 'You are a wonderful person... you look very beautiful.' — Leslie: 'Okay, weirdo. Let's go.'

Ron · April:Ron: 'Lagavulin all around? Don't bother answering. I am already pouring.' / Then to April: 'You don't have to drink yours.' / 'Thank you.'

Ron · Chris:Ron: 'Lagavulin all around? Don't bother answering. I am already pouring.' / Chris: 'You don't have to drink yours.' / Ron: 'Thank you.'

Ron:Ron's talking head about making the wedding rings by forging metal in a cast-iron waffle maker with an acetylene torch and antifreeze — 'Any moron with a crucible, an acetylene torch, and a cast-iron waffle maker could have done the same.' / 'People who buy things are suckers.'

Leslie · Ron:Ron, this is the Hawaiian god of anger. It reminded us of you when you're at work. A handsome gentleman.

Ron · Leslie:I have a joke for you. The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently. - That's not really a joke, Ron. - I disagree. I find it hilarious.

Ann · Ron:I want my friend to do something for me, and I don't know how to ask him. What do you want him to do? Plant ficuses. In my front yard.

Ron:Grossest metaphor ever. I've seen your house. You'd have more success if he planted ficuses in your backyard.

Perd Hapley · Ron · Leslie:Everyone seems to be laughing now. Do you see what is happening with Chris and Shauna? They are flirting like crazy. It's disgusting. They're in public. - That's called a conversation. -Ron.

Ron · Ann · Chris · Perd:Chris, Ann wants to ask you something right now. Go, Ann. - In front of Perd? - Yes. No more delays. Go.

Ron:There is nothing more disgusting than an invasion of privacy. And I should know. I've had many women steal my undershirts.

Ron:You can't hack into a typewriter. That's all I have to say.

Ann · Ron:I gotta tell you, Ron. You were absolutely and totally right. I know. Stop talking and get out. Yep.

Ben · Ron:I would suggest sticking around and watching him eat it 'cause it only takes four minutes, and it's pretty amazing. / These will not be necessary.

Ron · Leslie:I like capitalism. I love competition. I'm more competitive than you. / I don't think so. / I think so. / Settle down. / No, settle up. 'Cause the bill's been paid, and I've paid it, and I've won.

Leslie · Ron · Brandi Maxxxx:The first community movie screening turns out to be the porn film Brandi Maxxxx made about Leslie — 'The Sound of Music' is announced but the porn plays. Leslie: 'I'm glad you're here, Dong Swanson. The local video store's about to go under. We have to save it.' Ron: 'I'm a strict libertarian, and I don't believe in bailouts.' Leslie: 'This is not how it happened.'

Ron:Last night, I watched a movie with Diane and the girls in which an orange fish is separated from his father. The children were sniffling, which I believed to be due to the sad nature of the film. I was wrong.

Ron:Usually, I take it neat, but I will make an exception in the name of health.

Ron:Please turn the thermostat up to 90 and leave me alone.

Leslie · Ron:Ron! You redacted all the information. / I answered some of them. / For 'date of birth,' you wrote 'springtime.'

Doctor · Ron:How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week? / One. / That's it, one drink? / One shelf.

Doctor · Ron:Do you exercise? / Yes. / Lovemaking and woodworking.

Doctor · Ron:Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? / I have an uncle who does yoga.

Doctor · Ron:Allergies? / Cowardice and weak-willed men. / And hazelnuts.

Doctor · Ron:Sexual history. / Epic and private.

Ron · Doctor:Stay still. 'Don't think about how much this itches.' That's very good advice.

Ron:Balsa wood? You could at least use mahogany.

Doctor · Ron:There's something occluding your ear. / It's sawdust. Just blow.

Leslie · Ron:Hey, you look better. / I guess actual medicine can be effective. Who'da thunk? / Please leave me alone.

Doctor · Ron:Your cholesterol is 120, which is the lowest I've ever seen. / What's 'cholesterol'?

Doctor · Ron:And the only problem I see is that your potassium's low, so just eat a banana once in awhile. / No, thank you. I live the way I live, I eat the things I eat, and I'll die the way I'll die.

Ron · April · Leslie:At Leslie's suggestion, I have made you deputy director of Animal Control within the Parks Department. You'll be amazing at it, and the best part, there is no confirmation hearing. / How did you make this plaque so quickly? / I had it made your first week here. I knew you'd be going places, so I wanted to be prepared.

April · Ron:Can I hire an intern? / Not yet. / Can I hire a Mexican elf? / No. / Can I buy a child bride? / No. / Then how is this even a promotion?

Leslie · Ron:Government shouldn't operate based on personal favors. It should operate based on good ideas. April had the best idea, and today the best idea won. / Leslie, I really have to go to the bathroom. / Oh, yeah, right, sorry.

Ron · Leslie:You don't have to come in with me. / I wasn't going to. / Could you pick up the pace a little bit? / Oh, yes, Miss Daisy.

Ron · Jerry:Ron's retirement speech for Jerry: 'Jerry, thank you for your service. Good-bye.'

Ron:'Ah, nature.' — Ron's talking head reaction to Tom's Social Darwinism speech

Tom · Ron:Tom pitches getting a new intern: 'They're usually stupid and terrible. So they get no work done. It's like a Jerry you don't have to pay.'

Ron:'Damn, son. That is one compelling argument.' — Ron approves Tom's intern idea

Ron:'Keep it up, Filo. We may destroy this government one day after all.'

Ron:'Well, that went roughly as well as I thought it would.'

Ron:Well, that went roughly as well as I thought it would.

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'Tom can take care of himself. He's a grown man. Well, half-grown. He does have a business where he rents out his clothes to 12-year-olds.'

Leslie · Ron:That new intern wasn't working out, so I got rid of him. / Once again, I object in the strongest possible terms. / Once again, noted.

Leslie · Ron · Tom · Jerry · Taylor:Jerry returns to the office and the intern is fired to make room for him

Ron:Ron allows Jerry one hour a week to come in so 'everyone will get to watch him eat and talk to him about anything he might do or say or fart'

Ron:Jerry will come in once a week, and everyone will get to watch him eat and talk to him about anything he might do or say or fart.

Ron:This was sent to Ron Swanson at Diane's address, where I've lived for less than a month. How is that possible? This is an extreme invasion of privacy.

Ron:My family has had a single P.O. box for several generations. We only ever subscribe to two magazines, Reader's Digest and Ebony. Ebony was due to a clerical error, but it ended up being an interesting year of reading.

Tom · Ron · Donna:Grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid-- / If you help me get off the grid, I will let both of you go home early. / No grid, no grid, no grid, no grid.

Ron · Paul (postal worker):Paul, if you ever see another one of these with my name on it, I want you to drive into the woods and bury it. / I don't decide who gets mail, sir. I just deliver it. / Passing the buck -- the last refuge of the cowardly and black-hearted. / That seems harsh. / Get out.

Ron · Tom/Donna:Are you sure you want me to cut up this card? It gets you into the parking garage. / I'll be taking the bus now, and I'll be paying in cash.

Tom · Ron:Isn't there a photo of you up at JJ's Diner, from that time when you-- aah! / Come on, Tom!

Ron:JJ, a few months ago, I came in here and began eating eggs. They were delicious, so I ordered more. Before long, I believe I had eaten -- 51 eggs in 20 minutes. Couldn't cook 'em fast enough. The last ten were still in the shell.

Ron:That's too much information. Let's go. / Where are we going now? / I've eaten a lot of food in a lot of restaurants. Why is everyone else so bad at eating?

Tom · Ron:Great news, Ron. Jean-Ralphio loves your shirt. / What the hell are you talking about? / Oh, I've been taking pictures of you all day for my new Facebook album: 'Ronswan: Gettin' off the grid.'

Ron · Tom:Tom, do you maybe see a problem with what you've done? / I do now. Yes, sorry. / Erase. Erase. Erase. / Erase all pictures of Ron!

Ron · Tom:What the hell is happening? / I think you accidentally opened up Vine. / You just vined your first selfie, Ron. / And I'm vining you vine your selfie. / The world is a nightmare.

Ron · RV dealer:I don't see what the problem is. I will give you a certain amount of gold in exchange for a recreational vehicle. / I still need an address for insurance purposes. / This will be my new home. The address is wherever it is parked.

Ron:I've been busy destroying most of my personal effects and threatening a postal worker.

Diane · Ron:You can't just roam the streets in an RV and be impossible to find. / I'm on a mission to get off the grid. / Well, you don't have to be entirely on the grid, but you have to be on our grid.

Ron · Diane:I suppose you wouldn't consider moving. / I love you, but your solution to every problem is to live inside a mountain. / I love you too.

Diane · Ron:I suppose you wouldn't consider moving. / I've heard the school system in the tunnels beneath Yucca Mountain is adequate.

Ron · Tom · Donna:The magic phone scene: two large children's toy phones / Ew, gross, it has 'buttons.' / A cell phone belt clip? / No, Ron. Oh, my God! / Yeah, I can't be seen with you.

Ron · Donna:Ron confidently offers Donna hunting tips before an arcade shooting game, declaring 'Hunting, Donna, is about silence, balance, and patience.'

Ron · Donna:Ron completely misses every deer on the arcade hunting game. Donna: 'Hey, you know you're supposed to hit the deer, right?'

Ron:Ron's talking-head after losing: 'Get it together, Swanson.' Then rationalizes: 'The game is absurd. This gun is lightweight, there's no sight, and we are far too close to these deer. Would they not smell us?'

Ron:Ron: 'I want my money back. How do I get my quarters?'

Ron · Donna:Donna: 'Oh, my God! You are such a sore loser.' Ron: 'I am not a sore loser. It's just that I prefer to win. And when I don't, I get furious. Employee!'

Ron · Donna:Ron, now apparently very bad at the arcade game, is told by Donna: 'Wow, you suck at this.' Ron: 'Donna, please back up two paces so I can physically destroy this machine.'

Ron · Donna:Ron considers Donna's 'not real hunting' point: 'You know what? That's a good point.' Donna: 'What? That you suck at this?' Ron: 'That it's not real hunting. Come with me.'

Ron · Donna:Ron and Donna are now apparently in an outdoor area doing real hunting. Ron: 'Hang on. Do you have a license to hunt at night? Because you need a license.' [Donna reacts.] Ron: 'I thought you were serious. Come on, now. You know I don't give a...'

Andy · April · Ron:Andy is found hiding in a dumpster. He claims: 'I was just here in this dumpster, because I jumped in.' April: 'Get out.' Ron: 'We need to talk. About what? Fresh air. Real weapons. An honest kill.'

Ron · Donna:Ron decides going hunting is a good idea, heads out, then immediately turns back: 'You want to go back and play that video game, don't you?' Ron (defeated): 'Yes. Damn it.'

Ron:Ron emerges from somewhere covered in blood. Worker: 'Why are you covered in blood?' Ron: 'Don't worry. It's not human.' Then, looking at destroyed arcade game: 'I hope you've made peace with your God, small electronic deer.'

Ron:Ron enters the party covered in blood: 'Excuse me, worker. Bring me a bucket of beers and four hot dogs, please and thank you.'

Ron:Ron successfully beats the arcade hunting game: 'Now, that's what I call shooting. That's a new record. Hey, look at that. You finally made it into the top ten. Now, you can enter your initials.' Ron: 'My initials are private.'

Ron:Ron's confessional about building a crib: 'Several months ago, I was on a walk and found my crib tree. I approached the tree, murdered it, left it to cure in my woodshop, and have begun working it into a crib.'

Ron:Ron's 'Counteroffer — you take me nowhere, and I talk to no one.'

Ron:You bought a machine that replicates an open window?

Ron:Ron's response to learning the crib burned off the salesperson's fingernails: 'I'll be in the car.'

April · Craig · Ron · Larry · Donna:The spirit dogs reveal: we see each character matched to their spirit dog — Craig's is comically wrong, Ron's is perfect, Larry's is obviously Larry.

Ron · Chris:Ron's rule: 'No conversation lasts longer than 100 total words.' He tracks Chris's running word count.

Ron · Chris:Ron cuts off Chris mid-sentence with '100.' when they reach the word limit.

Ron:Swanson method, where you close your eyes and fall asleep.

Ron:Ron's woodworking metaphor teaching: 'If a joint is properly fashioned, all you need to do is guide it into place.'

Chris · Ron:Ron throws away a piece of wood. Chris: 'I just don't understand the throwing away the wood metaphor. What's the lesson? Oh, I know! It's potty-training. That trash can is the toilet, and the wood was the feces.'

Chris · Ron:Ron throws wood in the trash. / I just don't understand 'the throwing away the wood' metaphor. What's the lesson? Oh, I know! It's potty-training. That trash can is the toilet, and the wood was the feces.

Ron · Chris:Ron: 'Chris, I'm not teaching you anything. We're just building a crib.' Chris: 'No, I know you're not consciously teaching me anything. I'm trying to siphon off some of your calm, centered wisdom through metaphors.'

Ron:Ron: 'Metaphors? I hate metaphors. That's why my favorite book is Moby Dick -- no froufrou symbolism, just a good, simple tale about a man who hates an animal.'

Ron:Ron presents Chris with the crib he built: 'I tested it by hitting it with my truck.'

Ron:Ron: 'There's more than one crib tree in a forest. That's not a lesson, by the way, just a comment on lumber availability.'

Ron:Nobody has all the right answers in parenting, including me. And that toxic crib you bought won't be the last mistake you make. But a man who's this worried about making all the right choices cares very much. That's all that matters. You'll be a great father.

Chris · Ron:Ron's final parenting advice ends with Chris saying 'Does the white whale actually symbolize the unknowability and meaninglessness of human existence?' Ron: 'No. It's just a shitty fish.'

Ron:Ron: 'I would wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.'

Greg · Ron · Tom:Greg's pitch: 'An abacus, but on your phone. I call it a phone-bacus.' Ron: 'Son, you just described a calculator.'

Tom · Pitcher · Ron:Automated Word Counter pitch exchange: 'Three words: Automated word counter. Get out. Two. Words. No. One. Word. As you may know...'

Ron · Larry/Garry/Jerry:Ron announces he'll 'hit the can' during Larry's pitch — Larry then sneezes all over everyone

Ron:Ron's business idea: expanding socket sets to include sizes up to 5/8 inch

Leslie · Ron:Ron: 'I do not think you should run again.' Leslie: 'What the hell do you know, Dum-Dum?'

Ron · Leslie:Ron bursts through the door dramatically: 'RON!' — Leslie: 'That's how I enter rooms now. It's more dramatic.' Ron: 'Why did you enter at all?'

Ron · Tom:Ron's reaction to the Talking Tissue: 'Yo, dog! Life is what you make of it.' Ron: 'Leave while I'm ahead? You got it.'

Leslie · Ben · Ron:Leslie compliments Ben's slacks in a professional city manager meeting, escalating into mutual declarations of love while Ron sits silently furious

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'The rules do not specify whether or not I'm allowed to listen to Willie Nelson on my headphones.'

Ron · Kyle:While Kyle complains about his parking spot being taken, Ron hums along to Willie Nelson with headphones on

Ann · Ron · Larry:Emergency whine & cheese club called by Ann; Ron puts on headphones and Larry is immediately dispatched to 'get in there'

Donna · Ron · Ann:Donna and Ron have replaced whine & cheese club with sushi and cigar club, locking Ann out

Ron:Ron: 'What's happening now? Is the nurse upset?' / Ron: 'I don't care.'

Ron · Donna:Ron (outraged): 'Why are you yelling?' / Donna: 'Tom put all my records into this rectangle!'

Ron:Ron erupts again: 'The songs just play one right after the other! This is an excellent rectangle!'

Ron:Dear God, woman.

Leslie · Ron:Oh, my God, whose baby is that? That would be mine. Guys, get in here! Ron has a baby!

Ron:I'd like to introduce you to my son, John middle name redacted Swanson. John was born some time ago, weighing multiple pounds and several ounces.

Ron:Much like his father, he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.

Ron:Why would you need to know something like that?

Unknown · Ron:Should we do something? Just let her tire herself out.

Ron · Leslie:Could one of you please stop by the pet store and pick up some fish food for me? When did you get a fish?

Ron:In the time I've worked here, I've taken great pains to see as little of this building as possible. Turns out the third floor is silent, empty, and completely free of government work. I can't think of anything more beautiful to share with my son.

Ron:If I had a toolbox I could take care of that faulty radiator. Ooh! This place is a paradise!

Construction Worker · Ron:We're gonna be kinda loud. My son is several weeks old. He's quite familiar with the sound of power tools.

Ron:I'm sure the government believed you when you told them that, and I tip my cap to you for profiting off their ignoe. But I'm offering you two months paid vacation and the ability to take credit for my work, which will be flawless.

Leslie · Ron:Ron. What are you doing here? The most important government work I've ever done-- sanding rat urine stains out of this floor.

Ron · Leslie:Yesterday, I fixed that old steam radiator. Threaded a new valve into the side, removed the handle from the base, unscrewed the packing nut from the stem. This subpar toolbox only had one wrench, so I was lucky it was a three-quarters or I'd have been screwed. Yeah, man, you are lucky. Come on, Ron. What the hell? I need your help.

Ron · Leslie:Now...to most people, this story would seem boring. That's ridiculous. It's a story about a radiator.

Ron:What's that? Nothing. Clearing my throat.

Ron:Oh, look, John. It's red pine. They were gonna put flecked linoleum over this beautifully preserved knotty red pine. Most people in this world, John, are ass[bleep].

Ron:This is the best day I've ever spent in a government building, and luckily my son was here to share it with me. He now has that satisfied look that only comes with the pride of labor. Or he pooped. Either way, well done, John.

Leslie · Ron:I always knew there would be a day when I would get through to you and you would love government work. Today is that historic day. — Yes. That is what has happened.

Ron:I love being a father, but there are a few things I miss. Silence, the absence of noise, one single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children's TV program called Doc McStuffins. There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins.

Ron:All I wanted was two hours where I got to forget that I was a parent.

Andy · Ron:Ron, look. I found all three differences. — Those are two completely different pictures.

Andy · Ron:I don't know, I think my tooth looks fine just like this. — Well, my grandmother was missing that tooth, and she was the most beautiful woman on her oil rig.

Andy · Ron:No way. I'm not going back there. I already won all the magazine mazes. — Don't worry. It's gonna be fine. — Fine. Let me just wolf down this peanut brittle real quick. — Why would you do that? — Oh, right. 'Cause calories.

Ron:I'm getting some for a 30-year-old who works for me, so I can bring some home for you too.

Ron · Allison:Are those jense-trodder color tabs? I thought those were discontinued. They were. I had to order them through some Mexican back channels. Juan Julio Oficina Supplies? I thought they went out of business. They did, but they opened up a new one in Oaxaca.

Ron · narrator/context:What brings you to the festering putrid stink hole on the armpit of freedom? That's what he calls city hall.

Ron:Oh, really? Is it worth a few bucks to get a million splinters in your fingers and then cut off your fingers accidentally, 'cause that will happen.

Ron:I have tolerated Leslie's pro-government ways because her annoying kindness and generosity sneakily made me like her as a person. But I draw the line at corrupting America's youth.

Ron:I once did him a favor. I built his sawmill.

Ron:I attended prom with Susan Hofler. Picked her up in my truck, we slow-danced to a Merle Haggard song, and then I left early to go to my shift at the quarry. I was 12 years old. Never went again. Felt like I had outgrown it.

Ron · Leslie:Watch the cage. / Watch the faces! [repeated alternating commands as Allison stands between them]

Ron:Blueprints for the future are a fool's errand. They're like blueprints for a house. Nice to have, but any foreman with half a brain doesn't need to look at them.

Ron:Ron, upon learning Allison is Pikitis's girlfriend: 'Offer is off the table. She's a terrible person with terrible judgment.'

Ron:Pikitis!

Tom · Ron · Ben · April · Donna:The group that Tom didn't invite keeps joining: Ron, Ben, and others all 'tag along' to the vineyard, leaving Tom exasperated

Ron:Ron tasting the blueberry wine: 'I don't drink alcohol from that portion of the color spectrum.'

Ron · Ben · Craig:Ron, Craig, and Ben all immediately react to blueberry wine: 'Holy hell, that's a lot of alcohol.' — and they order four bottles

Ron · Craig:Ron agreeing to let Craig vent: 'You may vent for as long as it takes me to drink this bottle of wine.'

Ron · Craig:Ron's response after Craig says Ron is terrible to discuss personal problems with: 'Thank you, friend. That really means a lot to me.' — completely sincere

Ron · Ben:Ron reacting to Ben's phone update: 'Oh. Phone water.' — describing Leslie's incoherence

Ron:Ben, watching Ron walk away: 'Also, if I leave you alone, I'm pretty sure you'll die.'

Ron:Keep your voice down, woman!

Ron:Tammy two once seduced a coroner and had me declared legally dead just so she could get a discount on a plane ticket.

Ron:I understand this problem well and agree to this exchange of services.

Ron:Hello, Joe. My name is Ron Swanson. I am Donna's work-proximity associate.

Ron · Joe:I'm onto you, friend. / What? / Tread lightly.

Ron · Ivy · Zoe:Ron! Ron, play with us! — Ron's daughters interrupt his woodworking with sharp tools to demand playtime.

Joe · Ron · Children:♪ Eyes are watching, ears are listening / lips are closed, hands are still ♪ — Ron leads children in a classroom song to control them.

Ron:That was well played. Children their age respond positively to melody and rhyme.

Ron · Joe:Thirsty there, big guy? — Joe offers Ron a drink; reaction beat as Ron takes it while in a clearly suspicious state.

Ron:Live your life how you want, but don't confuse drama with happiness.

Joe · Ron:Joe notices Ron's rear tire is flat and proactively patches it, then mentions Ron should still go to a garage.

Ron · Ivy · Zoe:Ron is King Sparkle of Cupcake Forest. / Much obliged. — Ron wearing a glittery crown bestowed by the children.

Donna · Ron:Did you think even two years ago you'd be playing matchmaker for me while wearing a glittery crown? Now you're a dad. You care a little, itty bit about your friends. You're King Sparkle of Cupcake Forest. It suits you.

Ron:Congratulations. I'm sure you will both raise a wonderful child with whom I will profoundly disagree on nearly everything.

Ron:A triple crib — sounds like an interesting woodworking challenge. Would you like oak or pine? I'll make both, and you can choose.

Ron:Promise me you won't sleep with her, even though it would be quite easy, and certainly mind-blowing.

Ron:All right, I can't keep this facade up any longer. I need a favor.

Ron:Who do you think I am, Thomas Hucker?

Ron:This is not government work. As such, I treat it with care and attention.

Ron:It was too perfect. It looked machine-made.

Ron · Mitch (investor):Sir, were you sitting in that chair? Yes. Yes, I was. Why? No reason. Let's go.

Ron:Because you currently owe me $16,000. For the wood.

Ron:Thank you, Andrew. But fun or not, playing music is something I like to keep private, along with my family, my conversations, and my whereabouts at all times.

Ron:I can cut a new plinth with a less ironic inscription.

Ron:Now if you'll excuse me, there's a booth over there serving something called 'fried sausage quilts,' so I'm going to buy the booth.

Ron:I recalibrated the sights on all the rifles in the shooting gallery. I've had enough fun for one day.

Ron · Diane · Tammy 2:Tammy. / What could possibly bring you to a children's performance? Preparing a ritual sacrifice of a newborn?

Ron:Diane, why don't you take the girls for some ice cream while I dispose of this sewer-dwelling gutter witch?

Ron:With your courage and small frame, you'd make an excellent coal miner.

Leslie · Ron:Oh, my God. I can have everything I want! Thank you! / I feel like you're not listening to me.

Ron:I am going to break out of here, then I am going to snap you in half.

Ron:Terry, look at me. Is this what you want to do? Think very carefully, son.

Ron · Leslie:Both: Damn it, Terry! [triumphant music]

Ron:I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for ten hours.

Ron:Why do I have to be stubborn? Why can't the problem have been that I was reasonable?

Ron:That sounds good. Let's go with that.

Ron · Leslie:I destroyed the monitor! / What if we have an emergency and have to get out of here? / I did not consider that possibility!

Ron:I tried not to notice anything when I worked here. Or talk to anyone. Or learn anyone's name. You, of all people, should know that, Lauren.

Ron · Leslie:I choose 'sit here.' / Come on, Ron, why don't we just-- / Sit here. / Ron. / Sit here.

Ron:I'll take that bet at any odds, for any amount of money, over any length of time stretching from now into infinity.

Ron · Leslie:Stop this! / ♪ Eisenhower, vaccine ♪ / I will speak with you for three minutes.

Ron:We were work proximity associates.

Ron:The world needs apartment buildings. The park you built is nice, and people want to live next to it.

Leslie · Ron:Is it because I sent you a strongly worded letter through the US mail, so the post office knew your address? / No. Go away.

Ron:They had fresh produce out right next to the roach spray.

Ron:It's called Whole Foods.

Ron:Detonator. The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago. I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door so I can get out of here.

Ron:I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the right, as a citizen of the United States, to blow a hole in that door and walk out as a free man. It's in the Constitution.

Ron · Leslie:[For He's a Jolly Good Fellow plays from the 'claymore mine' — which explodes into balloons and confetti]

Ron · Leslie:You told me this was a genuine partially defused claymore mine. / Well, it was. I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I filled it with, you know, balloons and confetti and such.

Ron · Leslie:You mean to tell me I have had a toy on my desk for ten years? / You mean to tell me you've thought you had an actual land mine on your desk?

Ron · Leslie:Is that nuclear waste? / No, this is my job application from when you hired me. / How did you get that? / Freedom of Information Act request.

Ron:Why would anyone need more than three lines? I'm describing a person, not something complicated like a wooden sailing ship or proper dovetail technique.

Ron:I forgot what I wrote. Can I hear it?

Ron:'Leslie Knope is an absurd idealist and is slightly to the left of Leon Trotsky.' So far, so accurate.

Leslie · Ron:'If we were to work together, she would undoubtedly drive me insane, and it is possible that we would murder each other.'

Ron · Leslie:You forgot the last sentence. / No, I didn't. I remember that part. / It says, 'Hire her.'

Ron · Leslie:If you just look over here for two seconds, I'll do anything. / [Leslie] I'll watch a foreign film. I'll talk to a man with a ponytail.

Ron:After I said you were full of it, you got very angry and scrunched up your face and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but I disagree.' Did you let me have it. That was one of your top ten tirades, I'd say. You were pounding your fist and shaking. You called me a heartless thug.

Ron:I would rather work with a person like that than with a milquetoast yes-man.

Ron:Yeah, I was being really optimistic. [Leslie reads: 'I promise I would never raise my voice at you if we worked together.']

Ron:That was the real reason I hired you. Those brownies were damn good.

Ron:Okay, playtime is over. I'm getting out of here once and for all.

Leslie · Ron:Well, you look great. / I feel extremely angry.

Ron:I didn't want her to go, as she had become one of my closest workplace acquaintances.

Ron:Just didn't recognize anyone. So I made a decision. An unthinkable decision.

Ron:I was gonna ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just saying it out loud feels dirty.

Ben · Ron · Leslie:[Morning: Ron playing saxophone, Leslie singing badly, office covered in beer bottles and balloon debris; Ben walks in] 'Well, this is different from what I expected to find.'

Leslie · Ron · Ben:[Leslie and Ron, having apparently reconciled, are discovered the next morning — Ron playing saxophone, Leslie singing wrong Billy Joel lyrics, both drunk/hungover at 2 PM]

Leslie · Ron:Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron. / We just spent 12 hours together, woman.

Leslie · Ron:You do realize I gave you this picture six hours ago. / The frame is the gift.

Leslie · Ron:Ron. You big, fat, giant sap. / That seems unnecessary.

Ron · Leslie:Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food? / People are idiots, Ron.

Ron · Leslie:I am not a spy, and I would never reveal classified information. / Do you have to say that every time? / Yes.

Leslie · Ron:And just like Joey Fatone and Lance Bass, we are totally in sync. Come on. / We're in sync emotionally. Stop patting my head.

Ron:Even though I'm a firm believer in the free market, and your failure as a businessman is ultimately to blame, it's still a travesty your diner is closing.

Ron:I can't think of anything more noble to go to war over than bacon and eggs.

Ron:I do not like rallies. And based on what I see from this vantage point, I do not like most of you. What I do like is breakfast food. JJ's has very good breakfast food, so it should remain open.

Ron:Please do not approach me on the street after this event and attempt to talk to me. Our similarities begin and end with this single issue.

Leslie · Ron:Ooh. Water makes it worse.

Ron:A wise woman once told me that whenever you and I team up, good things happen. Also, they called three hours ago, said they approved the plan, and asked me to begin drawings for the renovation.

Leslie · Ron:You jerk. You sat on that news and let me stew here for three hours? / Yup. / You jerk! We did it! / You jerk. / Yep. Congratulations.

Ron · Tom:Tommy, I was at the nail salon and I picked up some geranium hand cream. Do you wanna try it? Warm it up, please.

Ron · Tom:— And do you believe Lucy will be happy with this gift? — 100%! We're so in sync.

Ron:Bully for you, son. More importantly, do you have tri-tip for tonight? Because if not I brought my own.

Ron:I love weddings. Good food, the celebration of romantic love, and most of all, churches. Say what you will about organized religion, those bastards knew how to construct an edifice.

Ron · Lucy:I normally don't get involved in people's personal affairs, but something about a wedding... I'll just say it. Tom is quite taken with you. He said he'd marry you tomorrow.

Tom · Ron:You told Lucy I want to marry her? — Damn it, son, the small hamburgers.

Tom · Ron:Even though I've known Lucy for years, and can see myself spending a life together with her, having children, walking the grounds of Tommy's Bahama — a private island I'll eventually buy — that's way in the future, man. — Don't call me 'man.'

Ron:Don't serve this man. No more food until he fixes his giant disaster he's created.

Ron:I am a liar. — What? — Well, no, I am not a liar. I have never lied about anything in my life. Though I suppose you could construe camouflage as a lie.

Ron · Lucy:Tom wanted to convey that he likes you a great deal. So he said that he could imagine marrying you. And living on an island with your kids. — Wait, now we're on an island? With kids? Plural?

Ron:Watch out for those riding lawnmowers, man.

Unknown · Ron · Ben:You want me to shut that down? — No, I like it. — Let the little man dance. — Hey!

Ron:I couldn't help but notice, from afar, that you are both acting like weirdoes. I further suspect you have not yet talked about what happened.

Ron:I am sorry if I caused a problem. Because the two of you make a good team. If you'll excuse me, I missed out on the food, and was denied a fascinating conversation about Michigan limestone. But I'll be damned if I don't properly honor the expression of romantic love.

Ron:I always knew she would tire of government. Took long enough.

Andy · Ron:I'm guessing it's a business? Assassins? Hit men? [Ron] Doctors. [Andy] You guys are doctors? [Ron] We build things.

Ron:This is a door. These, of course, are walls. What else? What else? Ah.

Ron · Andy · Don Swanson:Meet our vice president, Don Swanson. [Andy] Is this your brother? You have a brother? [Ron] No. Fine. Yes, suppose the cat's out of the bag. I have a brother. One brother.

Ron:Ron: 'Tour is over.' — abruptly ending the factory tour the moment his brother secret is out.

Andy · Ben · Ron:All those years together at the Parks Department, and you never told us you had a brother. [Ron] You worked at the Parks Department? [Ron] Tour is over.

Andy · Ron:So, what kind of building is it? [Ron] It's a large-scale storage unit for surplus vinyl sheeting.

Ron:Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.

Ron · Andy:Although I suppose she could use 'creative' ways to organize and stack the vinyl sheeting. [Andy] No, that's insane. [Ron] We use the Towson Method. It's tried and true.

Ron · Ben:Ben and Ron's pitch to Barney for April, ending with Ron: 'Please don't hold anything Andy did against April.'

Ron:Ron solves the supposedly impossible scavenger hunt in under 30 seconds by rattling off 'columnar transposition,' 'latitude and longitude,' and 'accessing my mental sexton.'

Ron:Keep it. And don't feel bad. It's my curse.

April · Ron:I know you normally hate foundations, but this one I think you'll actually like... Well, I had hoped you'd choose a more dignified trade like masonry or logging.

Ron:But you are out of local government, and that's a step in the right direction.

Ron · April:If you intend to move, I suppose you should return the spare key to my house... Good talk.

Ron:An impossible puzzle. And I love puzzles.

Ron:These appear to be human teeth. And what is this? New Moon? It's a movie, but I've never seen it.

Andy · Ron:It's, like, about lame werewolves and vampires and stuff. Donna likes those things. Dollars to donuts this points us her way.

Donna · Ron:She was so hopped up on painkillers from getting her wisdom teeth out, I convinced her to see it with me. The teeth. They're yours. You were super out of it. You kept yelling 'Team Voldemort!' at the screen and we were kicked out.

Ron · Andy · April:To the shoeshine stand! Ooh! Chase me. Stop.

Harris · Brett · Ron:Well, we're on our own quest, which is to squeeze this just tight enough to make my eyes bulge out a little bit, but not so tight that I die. I've been there. That's a real tightrope walk.

Ron · Brett:Can you tell us anything else about this ghost? It didn't like me, but that's just 'cause I got a soul of a Ghostbuster.

Harris · Ron:It said something about how it was worried Brett was gonna mug it. Okay. So we're looking for a racist ghost with black hair who likes shoeshines.

Ron:Okay. So we're looking for a racist ghost with black hair who likes shoeshines.

April · Ron:It's a dead end. No more clues. See me in my office. If it makes you feel any better, I had a big crush on you too. That does make me feel a little better. Thanks.

Ron:Oh! Thank God. Get off my boat!

April · Ron:So I guess we are celebrating that you trusted me and I let you down. Great. I change my house locks every 16 days. That key has been useless since the second Tuesday after I gave it to you.

Ron:What matters is that I trust you and admire you as a person. I will be sorry to see you leave this town. For many reasons. Not the least of which is that you created a puzzle that even I couldn't solve.

Ron · April:And boy, oh, boy, did you love Andy. 'Woof, woof.' It really is embarrassing.

April · Ron:'Woof, woof.' Bark. Why here? Because this tree reminds me of you. It's strong. And quiet. And always here when you need it. Or whatever.

Ron:I have always felt a certain kinship with April, and this is proof that I was correct. Not the nice things she said about me, the fact that I buried a large amount of gold under that same tree years ago. I have since moved it. Or have I? Or was I lying the whole time? Or was I lying about lying? Or was there never any gold to begin with? Or...

Ron · Carl:Ron learns mid-conversation that his barber Salvatore has also died — 'What? What happened? Explain yourself!'

Ron:Ron's tribute to Salvatore: the entire relationship described as 'Same exact thing every time. I paid him $8. I sat in the same chair... Then he'd always ask me about the same thing... nothing. It was perfect.'

Ron:Ron's confessional: 'The three most important people in a man's life are his barber, his butcher, and his lover. I have lost one of those.'

Ron:Ron leaves $10 at the barber's coffin: 'As you know, I don't believe in tipping, so I will collect my change from your wife.'

Ron:Ron's talking-head: 'Look how raggedy my hair is. What am I supposed to be, some kind of rock star?'

Ron · Dennis Feinstein / unnamed man:Ron confesses he's never been a fan of change. An unnamed stranger responds: 'In my experience, the only constant is change.' / Ron: 'Oh, shit.'

Ron · Unnamed man:Ron asks the stranger if they've met; stranger says 'our souls have collided in one lifetime or another.' Ron: 'No, that's not it. Are you in my Frisbee golf league?'

Unnamed man · Ron:The mysterious stranger offers Ron 'Eastern wisdom' from 'the Isle of Islay in Scotland' — handing him a Scotch whisky.

Ron · Unnamed man:Ron asks who cuts the stranger's hair; stranger replies: 'Nobody. Whenever my hair feels it has completed its journey, it simply sheds itself off.' / 'I hate you so much.' / 'And I love you, my brother.'

Donna · Typhoon · Ron:Donna convinces Typhoon (a new barber) to cut Ron's hair by promising it'll take four minutes and cost $8. Ron's only input: she shows him a photo of what he wants to look like.

Typhoon · Ron:Typhoon: 'I'm writing an electronic opera about Brittany Murphy, and I do the chandelier design for my friend's drag puppet show.' / 'No further questions.'

Typhoon · Ron:Typhoon: 'Except lately all the good warehouse raves are filled with Eurotrash.' / Ron: '"Eurotrash," I like that. It is, indeed, a garbage continent.'

Typhoon · Ron:Typhoon complains about Berlin: 'Everyone was on their stupid bikes. I was like, "Ew."' / Ron: 'Please, talk more about how you hate Europe and bicycles.'

Ron:"Good lord." — Ron's deadpan reaction to Leslie's comfort food/scrapbooks/tissues announcement

April · Ron:"Can't we just quickly shake hands, pretend we liked each other, and get out of here?" — April/Ron trying to escape Leslie's retrospective

Ron · Garry:"Come on, Garry. You're the mayor now. Have some dignity." — as Garry sings along to the coffee machine musical number

Tom · Ben · Ron · Donna:Tom's boardroom pitch meeting: 'Accounting nerd.' / 'I'm a congressman, Tom. Can you at least call me Ben?' / 'No can do, accounting nerd. We all knew you before you were a big shot.'

Tom · Ron:Tom's film idea: 'Sniper Race Delta: Beijing Inferno.' — 'I have no idea what it's about, but I have the perfect title.'

Ron:The gift basket from Ben and Leslie to Tom: 'No meat. I checked.' — Ron

Ron · Tom:Ron reads the dedication in the gift basket: 'Tom, Here's to your success! Love, Leslie & Ben' — 'Lesile' misspelled

Leslie · Ron:"Not bad craftsmanship, Ron." / "It is perfect craftsmanship."

Ron:"I calculate the cost of my labor at $38. I can send the bill to you?"

Ron:"Don't get emotional, Vaughn. You're embarrassing yourself."

Ron · Ben:Ron visiting Ben in Washington: 'This city reeks of swampland and government overreach.' / 'Great to see you as always.'

Ron · Ben:Ron invested his gold and portfolio in... the Lagavulin Distillery (51% ownership): 'You now own 51% of the Lagavulin Distillery.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron trying to admit he needs Leslie's help: '...And there are not many people -- I mean, we were workplace proximity acquaintances for many years.' / Leslie: 'Say no more, you big softie.'

Leslie · Ron:Ron: 'You want to stay for dinner? We're having steak.' / '...But we're also hosting several members of the House Subcommittee on Foreign Affairs.' / 'I'll take that steak to go, please, and thank you.'

Ron · Ben:Ron is offered dinner with the House Subcommittee on Foreign Affairs / 'I'll take that steak to go, please and thank you.'

Ron:Ron's speech to park rangers ends with: '...we will get along just fine... Though hopefully not too fine, as I'm not looking for any new friends. End of speech.'

Ron:Ron's reaction to Garry being mayor: 'Yes. Neither can anyone else.'

Ron · Andy · April:Ron examining baby Jack: 'Doctor said he has a remarkably large head. Just like his old man.' / 'Yeah, we know what that means — More smart room for it.'

Tom · Ron:Tom's book quiz: 'I took the quiz in your book about what kind of person I am. I'm a Ron.' / 'Ha. I'm usually a Tom, but sometimes, I'm a Don.' / 'Last time I took it, I was a Tom.' / 'What? No! No! No! Take it again! I got to go recalibrate the quiz.'

Tom · Ron:Tom's book quiz: 'I took the quiz in your book about what kind of person I am. I'm a Ron.' / 'Ha. I'm usually a Tom, but sometimes I'm a Don.' / 'What? No! No! No! Take it again! I got to go recalibrate the quiz.'

Ron:Ron corrects the citizen's characterization of the swing-fixing team as 'public servants': 'Actually, none of these people works in local government. This is a group of private citizens and one misguided federal employee meddling where she does not belong.'

Ron:Ron: 'Get on with it. I can't hold this smile forever. I look ridiculous.'