Are You Better Off?

Leslie:Thank you so much for lending us your cabin, Ron. It was perfect.

Ron:You're welcome.

Ron:Actually, I regret that.

Ron:I regret lending you the cabin.

Ron:I regret telling you I had a cabin.

Ron:I regret ever meeting you.

Leslie:Pawnee Founder's Week is the most magical time of the year! The parade is going to be absolutely spectacular. We've got floats, marching bands, confetti cannons...

Leslie:It's basically the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, except better because it's in Pawnee.

Ron:It looks like a turds-on-wheels convention.

Leslie:Ron, you're being deliberately negative. This is a celebration of our town's heritage!

April:Our history of incredibly low standards and a complete lack of self-awareness.

April:Also, we have the lowest life expectancy in the state, so you don't have to worry about getting old here.

April:Plus, our water tastes like a tire fire, which gives you something to look forward to every morning.

Leslie:What makes Pawnee great, Donna?

Donna:You know what? I'm outta here. I got a job offer in Indianapolis, and I'm taking it. Pawnee's great because of people like you, Leslie. But I need to do what's best for me now.

Leslie:Wait, what? You have a secret life?

Donna:Leslie, I'm a woman of mystery. I have three different retirement accounts, a boat I keep in Muncie, and I've been taking salsa lessons for six years.

Leslie:How did I not know any of this?

Donna:Because you don't ask. You just assume everyone's life is as open as yours, which it ain't.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:We should have a parade, but instead of floats, we use actual dead animals. And we stuff them with candy so kids can hit them with sticks.

April:They'll be done in seven minutes.

Tom:Because she wanted to come. I don't make decisions. I just drive her places and buy things.

Andy:I was looking for my shirt. I accidentally threw it away with Ron's trash, and I was just trying to get it back.

Andy:I am Bert Macklin, FBI. And I'm on the case. A pregnancy test. Left here. In the bathroom. Who could it belong to? Was it Ann? Was it Leslie? Was it... me? No. No, it wasn't me. I'm a man.

Announcer:Due to budget cuts, this year's Founder's Week pageant will no longer feature live pigs. The pigs have been... reassigned to other city departments.

Leslie:Nobody's complaining. People love the new system. I haven't heard a single—

Citizen:This is the worst thing that's ever happened!

Tom:These shorts are made from a special moisture-wicking fabric.

Customer:Great, so they'll keep me dry when I work out?

Tom:Well, no. If you actually exercise in them, they'll disintegrate. But you'll look amazing standing still.

Customer:That doesn't make sense.

Tom:Welcome to high fashion, my friend.

Tom:Okay, so I'm thinking about expanding Rent-A-Swag. We could do Rent-A-Sag for elderly people who need clothes that fit their... saggy situations.

Tom:I'm thinking about expanding Tom's Bistro to cater to the elderly demographic. Early bird specials, soft foods, large print menus...

Jerry:That's actually not a bad idea, Tom.

Tom:Right? I could call it 'Señor Senior's' or something—

Ben:Hard pass.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:This lawyer called me about some stuff, and his voice was so smooth. I got so into it that I asked him to keep talking about discovery motions just so I could hear him speak.

Tom Haverford:That's... that's weird, Mona-Lisa.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:I know! I told him I'd be his client for life. He seemed confused.

Tom:Mona-Lisa, I need to set some boundaries. Please respect my personal space and privacy.

Mona-Lisa:Oh, no problem, Tom. I got it.

Mona-Lisa:By the way, I've been having this weird rash on my—

Tom:Okay, that's the boundary I just mentioned.

Mona-Lisa:Right, right. My bad. Hey, you wanna see pictures of my infected ingrown toenail?

Tom:No!

Mona-Lisa:Well, I'm gonna describe it anyway. It's the size of a grape, and it's weeping this greenish—

Tom:Stop! Why are you like this?

Lawyer:I have a client interested in your business.

Tom:Finally! Someone who appreciates real talent. Is it a record label? A management company? Are they ready to take Childish Gambino to the next level?

Lawyer:It's about your catering company.

Tom:Oh.

Lawyer:I can't tell you who the client is, but I can tell you it's not Diddy.

Tom:So it's Diddy.

Lawyer:No, it's definitely not Diddy.

Tom:Why would you even bring up Diddy if it wasn't Diddy? Classic misdirect. It's Diddy.

Andy:Ann, I need to tell you something. I'm actually a highly trained FBI agent. I went through the whole program at Quantico.

Ann:Andy, no you didn't.

Andy:Yes I did! I'm Bert Macklin, FBI. It's all real.

Andy:Ann, I need to ask you something and I need you to be completely honest with me.

Ann:Okay... what?

Andy:Are you pregnant?

Ann:What? No!

Andy:Because I've been watching you very carefully, and you've been acting strange. You've been tired, you've been emotional, and you threw up in the bathroom this morning.

Ann:I have food poisoning, Andy.

Andy:That's what a pregnant person would say.

Ann:Oh my god, that's wonderful! Congratulations! I'm so happy for you.

Ann:I mean, you're not even that pretty. How did you...? No, that's great. That's really great.

Andy:No, I'm not interested in any kind of partnership with you.

Ann:Not even if I throw in free waffles?

Andy:Okay, yeah, let's be partners.

Andy:I'm not partnering with you on this investigation. I work alone.

Ann:What if I throw in unlimited burgers?

Andy:Done. We're partners.

Ben:Leslie's health initiatives have actually made a real difference in this town. Sure, the results aren't perfect, but they're an improvement.

Ron:An improvement? Ben, I've seen the new fitness center. It's a converted storage unit with a broken treadmill and a motivational poster of a crying eagle.

Ben:Okay, but last year there wasn't even a crying eagle.

Leslie:These lunches are completely unhealthy. There's no nutritional value whatsoever.

Ms. Pinewood:Well, we do serve vegetables.

Leslie:What vegetables?

Ms. Pinewood:The napkins are made from processed cellulose, which comes from trees, which are plants.

Ron Swanson:Leslie's policies are destroying this department. She's treating everyone equally, as if we're all the same.

Tom Haverford:Yeah, man, it's crazy. I used to get special treatment.

Ron Swanson:Exactly. Now I'm expected to follow the same rules as everyone else. It's oppression.

Dewey:This bathroom situation is unfair to men. Women get a dedicated bathroom, but we have to share.

Leslie:Oh yes, Dewey. Gender equality. Such a trivial issue.

Bjorn:I can't believe you're replacing the McDonald's with a park. Where am I supposed to get lunch now?

Parks Department Official:Don't you work from home?

Bjorn:Yes, but...

Leslie:We could try the oatmeal. It's actually really good for you.

Bjorn:No. Eggs only. Eggs for breakfast, eggs for lunch, eggs for dinner. I will not betray the egg.

Andy:Donna, I have a math question. If a woman was expecting something, how would you know?

Donna:Andy, what are you talking about?

Andy:Just hypothetically. Like, what are the nine... I mean, what are the signs?

Donna:Are you asking me if I'm pregnant?

Andy:What? No! I'm just really into math right now. You know what they call nine months? The sum of all my fears.

Donna:I'm not pregnant, you idiot.

Andy:I've been investigating this case for weeks, and I think I've finally cracked it. The perpetrator is obviously someone with a very low IQ, probably like a real idiot... I mean, not an idiot, just someone who makes idiotic decisions. What I'm trying to say is... they're dumb. No wait, that's worse. They're... intellectually challenged in a criminal way.

Citizen:This town has gone to hell. Moral decline, deteriorating values, people dressing like they don't care anymore.

Citizen:We've really gone to hell in a hand basket. And not even a nice hand basket.

Leslie:So what kind of business are you in?

Dennis:Pornography.

Brandi:I've been in a lot of films. Like, a LOT of films. I was in a porn parody of 'Argo' called 'Our Goo.'

Leslie:Oh my God, Argo! Yes, I saw that. Well, I saw parts of it. I fell asleep twice, but I definitely caught the gist. Ben Affleck is really good at... being in movies.

Tom:Okay everyone, I have some exciting news. We just received a buyout offer for Gramercy Beverage Company. And you'll never guess who it's from.

Someone:Who?

Tom:Diddy.

Someone:It's not Diddy.

Tom:It's definitely Diddy. Diddy's getting into the beverage game.

Someone:Tom, we looked into it. It's not Diddy. It's a holding company out of Delaware.

Tom:That's what Diddy would say.

Donna:I'm about to treat myself so hard right now.

Donna:I'm gonna get a massage, a facial, a deep conditioning treatment, and a new weave.

Donna:Then I'm gonna get a Swedish massage, a Thai massage, a hot stone massage, and a Shiatsu massage.

Donna:Then I'm gonna go to that place in the Dominican Republic where they use volcanic rocks and the tears of angels.

Donna:And then I'm gonna have someone feed me grapes while I get a foot massage from a dude who only does feet and has won multiple awards for his foot massage technique.

Tom:April, I need your advice about the business. What should I do?

April:Have you tried not wearing pants to work? It really opens up your hip flexors.

Tom:That's... completely unrelated.

April:Also, you should definitely not report those cash transactions to the IRS. Nobody checks small businesses anyway.

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about your relationship problems, and I have some advice.

April:No.

Tom:Hard pass.

Jerry:But I haven't even—

April:We said no.

Jerry:Okay.

Tom:Wait, is Mona-Lisa pregnant? Because if she is, that's... that's actually great news for me.

Tom:My girlfriend said if Mona-Lisa got pregnant, she'd break up with me. So... fingers crossed.

Andy:Look at this pregnancy test brand. It's called 'Answer.'

Tom:Yeah, so you pee on it and it gives you the answer.

Andy:I know, but the way they're marketing it... it's like they're saying 'Hey, do you have a question?' And the answer is... you're pregnant.

Tom:That's how pregnancy tests work, Andy.

Tom:Wait, wait, wait. You're pregnant? Like, actually pregnant? With a baby?

Tom:Oh my God. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. This is really happening. We're going to be parents. We're going to be... parents.

Tom:And not just us. Everyone. Everyone is someone's child. Everyone in the world is someone's child. Do you realize that? Do you understand the implications?

Tom:Billions of people. Billions of parents who thought they knew what they were doing. And they didn't. None of them did. They still don't.

Tom:Oh God, what if we're terrible at this? What if everyone is terrible at this? What if humanity is just a series of people doing their best and completely failing?

Chris:Leslie, I need to tell you something important.

Leslie:What is it, Chris?

Chris:I've been offered a position. As the Duke of Eagleton.

Leslie:Wait, what? Duke of Eagleton?

Chris:No, actually, I'm sorry—I misspoke. It's the Countess of Soft Pretzels.

Chris:I'm the Grand Marshal of the parade.

Chris:It's gonna be great. I've got this sash, I've got this hat, I've got this horse...

Chris:I'm basically the Duke of Pawnee for the day.

Anti-Leslie Float Chanter:Leslie Knope is bad! Leslie Knope is bad!

Leslie Knope:What? No... that's not... that's a parade float.

Chris:Hey Leslie, don't let this get you down. You know, even Abraham Lincoln had people who didn't like him.

Leslie:Really?

Chris:Yeah, and he's on the penny. You're not even on a penny yet, so... you've got room to grow!

Crowd:Leslie! Leslie! Leslie!

Random Person:TAX THE RICH!

Mona-Lisa:Yeah, it's mine.

Jean-Ralphio:Sweet Lincoln's green ass!

Mona-Lisa:I'm pregnant.

Mona-Lisa:Just kidding! You should see your faces! Hahahaha!

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:I can't be pregnant. I take like, 40 pills a day. And they're not prenatal vitamins, they're just regular pills. I don't even know what they do.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:Plus, I specifically told my doctor I only want a human baby. So if it's not human, the deal is off.

Jean-Ralphio:What's wrong with you being happy?

Tom:Your sister is terrible.

Jean-Ralphio:Oh my God, she is! Congratulations, man!

Andy:April can't be pregnant. We have sex every day. I read on the internet that if you have sex every day, you can't get pregnant.

April:That's not how it works.

Andy:Well, that's what it said. 'If you have sex every day, you won't get pregnant.' I'm pretty sure I'm reading that right.

Ben:Leslie, we're on vacation. You need to relax.

Leslie:I am relaxed! I'm just checking my email, returning some calls, drafting a few memos, and reorganizing the Parks Department's filing system remotely.

Ben:That's not relaxing.

Leslie:It is if you love your job!

Leslie:You want to recall me? Fine. But let me tell you something about Leslie Knope. I don't break under pressure. I don't fold. I don't—

Leslie:Footloose. Flashdance. Dirty Dancing.

Leslie:I'm thinking of dance movies. Why am I thinking of dance movies?

Leslie:Is Silver Linings Playbook a dance movie? I mean, there's dancing in it, but it's not really a dance movie. Or is it? I don't know, that's what I'm asking.

Leslie:Does anybody have any questions?

Reporter:Yeah, I do. Why does everyone hate me? Is it because I'm fat? My therapist says I'm sabotaging myself, but I think it's just that nobody likes me.

Leslie:I... wasn't asking you that question.

Leslie:This press conference is over.

Leslie:I said this press conference is over!

Leslie:Why do I sound like a substitute teacher?

Leslie:I'd like to thank everyone for coming. Ben and I are excited to announce...

Ben:Leslie, we talked about this. Just read the statement.

Leslie:Right, right. But first, a dance number!

Ben:No. No dance number.

Leslie:Just a quick one! Five, six, seven, eight!

Ann:Things with Chris are great. We're really happy together. He's supportive, he's kind, he remembers things I tell him. It's wonderful. I think I'm going to marry him.

Andy:I've been doing some investigation, and I have some news about the pregnancy.

Andy:April is not pregnant. She's just fat.

Andy:Oh my God, you're pregnant! This is the best day of my life! I'm gonna be a godfather!

April:I'm not pregnant, Andy. I just got really drunk last night and ate a lot of pizza.

Andy:Oh.

April:I'm not interested in being pregnant. I'd rather adopt a baby from a country we've been at war with for a really long time, raise it as my own, and then take it back to that country and abandon it there when it turns 18.

Lawyer:They've copied Tom's exact business model, down to every demographic category.

Tom:Wait, they copied my idea?

Lawyer:Completely. It's blatant.

Trevor:I'm going to destroy you in court. You'll be like a house of cards in a hurricane.

Tom:A house of cards would actually be fine in a hurricane. It's wind, not water. Houses of cards fail in water.

Tom:These businesses keep copying my ideas. They steal from me constantly.

Trevor:Well, I have a free lesson that will cost you.

Tom:What? That doesn't make any sense.

Tom:I'm telling you, I have a connection to Diddy. My lawyer confirmed it.

Lawyer:I said you have a connection to *ditty*, like a little song.

Tom:That's basically the same thing.

Lawyer:Mr. Brandanowitz, we've recovered emails showing you attended several of Mr. Combs' parties in the early 2000s.

Tom:Wait, what? No, I didn't—

Lawyer:In fact, here's a photo of you in a white suit next to him at the—

Tom:Okay, yes, fine, I went to like two parties, but I barely remember them!

Lawyer:So you do admit to attending Mr. Combs' events?

Tom:No! I mean, yes, but— I was just there for the shrimp!

Ron Swanson · Ann Perkins:Ron and Ann discussing wanting to wait to adopt 'a set of creepy adult twins from Romania.'

Ben Wyatt · Ann Perkins:Ann reveals she got into veterinary school. Ben: 'as I've known about you for the past 20 seconds, this is your dream.'

Tom Haverford · Trevor Nelsson:Tom tells the lawyer he won't sell. Tom: 'you can go tell your client he now has 100 problems?' Lawyer: 'Is it Jay-Z?' Lawyer: 'No.'

Trevor Nelsson:The lawyer reveals the competitor's store is called 'Tommy's Closet' and will serve 'teens, tweens, and pres, as well as babies, toddlers, grown-ups, and olds.'

Trevor Nelsson:Lawyer: 'So I guess only Domino's is allowed to sell pizza now? It's called capitalism, Mr. Haverford, and you are about to get a free lesson. Only this free lesson is going to cost you.'

Tom Haverford · Trevor Nelsson:Tom: 'So it's not free?' Lawyer: 'You're right. That was confusing. This lesson will cost you. Good day.'

Tom Haverford:Tom: 'This sucks, but I have to admit: it's a pretty baller move. You sure this isn't Diddy?'

Trevor Nelsson · Tom Haverford:Lawyer: 'It is Diddy.' Tom: 'I knew it!' Lawyer: 'It's not Diddy.'

Ron Swanson:Ron's talking head about change: 'All I care about is that I'm the same. If I'm the same as I was a year ago, I'm happy.'

Andy Dwyer:Andy suddenly remembers: 'Wait, I forgot. Who the hell is pregnant?' — after the entire investigation subplot