Swing Vote

Ron:I'm glowing.

Leslie:You're sweating. You're sweating through your shirt.

Ron:I prefer to think of it as glowing.

Leslie:We're not cutting funding for Pawnee Palms Public Putt-Putt. We're just going to call it something else. Pawnee Parks and Public Programming Proposal. P-P-P-P-P.

Leslie:We cannot cut funding for police, fire, and emergency services. We also cannot cut funding for the city's prized collection of decorative urns, or the department that organizes our annual Sweetcorn Festival, or Jerry's salary. Whatever.

Ron Swanson:I believe in small government. Very small government. So small that it's barely there at all.

Ron Swanson:No taxes, no regulations, no bureaucracy. Just people, doing what they want, when they want.

Ron Swanson:In fact, I'm so opposed to government that I think we should abolish all the roads. They were built by the government.

Ron Swanson:We should tear up all the highways, all the interstates. Also, the Golden Gate Bridge? Gone. Mount Rushmore? Dynamite.

Ron Swanson:The Hoover Dam was built by the government, so that's coming down. And honestly, the government created gravity, so I'm working on removing that too.

Leslie:Ron, instead of cutting the budget, why don't you go build something? Use your woodworking skills.

Ron:I don't understand. What am I building? You said 'use your skills' but you're holding a computer.

Ron:If I'm supposed to build something, I need wood, not... whatever this is.

Leslie:The putt-putt golf course will produce more electricity than the Hoover Dam.

Ben:Leslie, how is that possible?

Leslie:I don't have a plan yet, but I'm thinking decorative windmills.

Leslie Knope:You both look so handsome today.

Jeremy Jamm:Why thank you, Leslie. I do take pride in my appearance.

Milton:I think I'm going to be sick.

Milton:I think mini-golf is a wonderful activity. It brings people together, it's fun for the whole family...

Milton:But I have to be honest, I can't support it. You see, mini-golf courses have holes in them. And I don't think we should be encouraging anything with holes.

Jamm:Well, let me weigh the pros and cons here.

Jamm:On one hand, it's the right thing to do. On the other hand, I don't want to. On the third hand, I really hate Leslie.

Jamm:I'm a badass wild card. Nobody knows how I'm going to vote.

Jamm:It keeps people on their toes.

Jeremy Jamm:I'm a very sexually active man. Women find me irresistible.

Jeremy Jamm:Actually, I'm not doing anyone right now and I'm completely available.

Ben:Wait, you designated me as the driver? You're driving right now.

Andy:Yeah, but I ordered water. Once you order water, you're committed to the car for the entire ride.

Ben:That's not how that works.

Andy:It's the rules, Ben. I don't make them.

Ben:I've been taken advantage of so many times. My first girlfriend made me carry all her books. My college roommate ate my food without asking. My boss at my first job made me work weekends.

Leslie:Ben, you really need to be more assertive.

Ben:You're right. Starting now, I'm going to stand up for myself.

Leslie:Great! So what's your first step?

Ben:Well, I was thinking...

Andy:You guys sound great!

April:Yeah, like a CD that got stuck in your car and plays the same five songs over and over.

Andy:Wait, that's my band! Why didn't I recognize them? Oh, I know why — because I'm not in it, so my brain filtered it out as irrelevant.

Tom:What about 'Rat Mouse'?

Andy:That's just Mouse Rat backwards.

Tom:I know.

Mona-Lisa:Hey Tom, can I borrow your car for like six months?

Tom:Six months? No, absolutely not.

Mona-Lisa:Well, too late. I already have it. And I lost it.

Mona-Lisa:Why are you always interrogating me?

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:I once ate a whole rotisserie chicken in a bathroom stall at the mall. But hey, you seem like a cool guy — you wanna go back to my place and make out?

Ron Swanson:No.

Tom:Dating Mona-Lisa is awesome.

Tom:I'm in constant fear for my life.

Tom:Ann, my girlfriend is crazy. Can you help me?

Ann:I'm not crazy, Tom. And I don't appreciate being called crazy.

Tom:See? That's exactly what a crazy person would say.

Tom:Okay, okay. I will prove to you that Mona-Lisa is crazy. Last week, she tried to fix her car engine with a hammer. A hammer! And when I asked her why, she said, 'Because the screwdriver was tired.' The screwdriver was tired, you guys. A tool cannot be tired. It's a tool.

Tom:That gas station attendant looks exactly like Yasmine Bleeth.

Chris:I'm going to keep things light and upbeat, like a life raft full of dead bodies.

Leslie:Yeah, okay, that was disgusting. But I'll take it.

Chris:I believe in always being supportive and encouraging. If someone wants to start a business, I say go for it! If someone wants to learn an instrument, I say absolutely! If someone wants to pursue their dreams, I say yes you can!

Chris:If a duck wants to be a astronaut, I say reach for the stars, buddy.

Jamm:Thanks, I love this putter. Got it at a great price.

Jamm:Actually, I stole it from a Chinese guy at the club. He was so small and quiet, I just walked right out with it.

Leslie:Can I offer you a hot dog?

Jamm:No, I can't. I have a very severe hot dog allergy.

Leslie:Oh, I didn't know that.

Jamm:Yeah, it's a real thing. And honestly, I find it pretty racist that you offered it to me.

Andy:You know what? I've been thinking about this, and I need to say something. Everyone at work has been talking about how amazing Mouse Rat is. They think we're incredible.

April:No one said that.

Andy:They absolutely did. Ben said our last show was 'life-changing.' Jerry called us 'the voice of a generation.'

April:Andy, that didn't happen.

Andy:And Chris said he's never heard anything more beautiful than our rendition of 'Catch Your Illness.'

Councilman Jamm:Hot dogs? You know I have irritable bowel syndrome, you racist.

Andy:Yeah, so the band couldn't reach me because I got my head stuck in a mailbox.

April:How did you get your head stuck in a mailbox?

Andy:Well, I was trying to mail a letter, but I wanted to see where it goes, so I stuck my head in to follow it down.

Andy:What about 'Scarecrow Boat'? That's a terrible band name.

Band Member 1:Actually, that's pretty cool.

Band Member 2:Yeah, we like that. You're really good at this.

Andy:I'll have a Bud Light.

Bartender:That'll be $5.

Andy:You know what? You should really consider expanding your beer selection. Diversify your inventory, build customer loyalty. Trust me, I know business.

Jamm:Yeah, yeah, whatever. You guys are like my parents arguing about money at mini-golf.

Chris:Actually, I think it's great they're so passionate about fiscal responsibility and individual liberty. That's what makes America work.

Ann:Hi, I'm Ann Perkins.

Mona-Lisa:If you ever talk to me again, I will kill you.

Mona-Lisa:So what's the deal with Tom? You guys dating or something?

Ann:No, we're just friends.

Mona-Lisa:Oh. Well I've been trying to steal from him. He's so dumb, it's easy.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:Wait, Tom has Diddy Instagram coasters? Oh my God, that's so cool. Why doesn't anyone ever buy me cool stuff?

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:You know what, forget it. I'm done. I'm going on Instagram right now and I'm going to leave the meanest comments on every celebrity's post.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:Hey Beyoncé! Your last album was mid! And Rihanna, where's album number nine?!

April:Andy's music taste is so weird. He listens to things like witch house, vaporwave, and seapunk. But then his favorite artist is Bette Midler.

April:Why do you have a computer fan on this list?

Andy:Because computers get hot, April. They need fans to cool down. It's science.

Mona-Lisa:Tom's not poor. He's just financially challenged.

Ann:Mona-Lisa, he drinks tap water straight from the sink.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:Tom is broke? That's so sad. I guess he'll have to start doing poor people things now, like shopping at regular stores and eating at Applebee's.

Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson:I will do anything I can to get Jamm's vote so that he will keep this course open, and it will be good for the community-- stop! I know it's more than one word. Shut up.

Ann Perkins · Mona-Lisa Saperstein:Ann introduces herself to Mona-Lisa: 'I'm Ann Perkins. I used to date Tom.' / 'Oh, okay. We can do this, but I will bite you.'

Andy:You know, my time in the Sweetums was amazing. We played Ramsett's that one time, and I made these nachos with, like, Cheeto dust and spray cheese. Everyone said they were terrible, but I thought they were incredible. I really did.

Ann Perkins:You know what used to drive me nuts? He is a total control freak. I mean, you have to put a coaster down on every surface, and the worst part is, they're all made out of pictures from Diddy's Instagram.

Tom:Anna Nicole body spray? That's what you're using?

Ann:What's wrong with it?

Tom:Ann, that stuff is basically just desperation in a bottle.

Mona-Lisa:Actually, I've been diluting old perfume with gross additives to stretch it out.

Tom:Wait, what additives?

Mona-Lisa:Well, there's some old lotion, a little bit of coconut oil, and honestly, I'm not sure what that last one is.

Ron:Why would they put a windmill in front of the hole? That seems like poor course design.

Leslie:Ron, Ron! Hey, Ron! Did you know that the government actually does a lot of good things? Libraries! Parks! Public education!

Leslie:And did you hear about that article that came out saying that John Locke, your hero, actually believed in some forms of taxation?

Ron:You're trying to distract me.

Leslie:Is it working?

Mona-Lisa:What in the name of all that is holy and sacred, and all that is unholy and profane, in this mortal coil of existence, is occurring before my very eyes?

Mona-Lisa:So you two are together? That's great. Hey, I know a guy who needs a kidney. You should call him.

Tom:What? No, we're not—

Ann:We're not actually—

Tom:Wait, how much is he paying?

Tom:I'm finally free from Mona-Lisa! This is the best day of my life.

Jerry:Tom, you were only dating her for like two weeks.

Tom:Exactly. Two weeks of pure hell. I deserve a parade.

Andy:I'm a completely different person now. The old Andy Dwyer? He's dead. Gone. I've shed my skin like a snake made of idiocy and poor life choices. I'm reborn as a phoenix of competence and professionalism.

Andy:You know, focusing on business is great because it really streamlines your priorities and helps you achieve your goals.

Andy:But the real reason I do it is so I have more time for childish pursuits.

Ron:How much did you pay for the gorilla?

Leslie:Three thousand dollars.

Ron:Three thousand dollars? For a gorilla?

Leslie:It was worth it to make my point about the importance of animal welfare in our community.

Ron:I'll name him Seventy-Five Thousand Dollars.

Leslie:No, no, no! His name is Mittens!

Ron:We have a gorilla that needs to be catalogued. The official designation is Gorilla Specimen 47-B.

Leslie:Oh my God, we're naming him Gerald. Look at his little face! Gerald is going to be my best friend.

Ann:So how was your night with Mona-Lisa?

Tom:Oh, it was great. We went to dinner, had some drinks, told some stories.

Tom:Then we went back to her place and committed several federal crimes.

Tom:Nothing major, just some light wire fraud, tax evasion, and we may have stolen a car.

Tom:Well, not stole it. We borrowed it. Without permission. From a dealership. At 3 AM. And sold it for parts.

Tom:She started with petty theft, then moved to grand larceny, then drug fraud. She was selling counterfeit Goldschläger at a gas station in Gary, Indiana.

Leslie:You gave Ron your word.

Jeremy Jamm:Yeah, well, my word doesn't mean anything. I lie constantly. I'm not a man of my word at all.

Leslie:Okay, Ron, here's the situation. One: we need to shut down the park. Two: we can't shut down the park. Three: we're going to shut down the park anyway. Four: I love this town and I will die protecting it.

Leslie:Ron, I think the ideal political discourse is when two people with different viewpoints can sit down, listen to each other, and find common ground.

Ron:I disagree.

Leslie:But honestly? I usually win our arguments by like 3 p.m. because you get hungry and I've already eaten lunch.

Andy:Yeah, I've been in bands with two lead vocalists before. It works great.

April:The Beatles.

Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope · Councilman Jamm:Why is there a gorilla guarding this gingerbread house? — Because mini-golf is awesome. It's cute, and it's fun, and it needs to be saved. — Less talk. More competing for my vote.

Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope:Why is there a gorilla guarding this gingerbread house? / Because mini-golf is awesome. It's cute, and it's fun, and it needs to be saved.

Leslie Knope:Uh, bean sprouts. Tofu. Ralph Nader. Ayn Rand is a terrible writer. Don't mess up, don't mess up, don't mess up.

Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson:Damn it! / Hole-in-one! [Ron wins the playoff]

Chris Traeger:Excellent win, Ron. Even better loss, Leslie. Ultimately, we learn the most about ourselves through the losses.

Councilman Jamm:Swanson, I hate you. Nothing will change that. But I respect the hell out of your short game. You got my vote, hombre.

Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson:No, he gets the dragon too? — A fine trophy. — I think I'll keep it in the office. — No, you won't. — Here, kid, want this, huh? — Yeah. — Take it and run. Run!

Councilman Jamm · Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson:You get a hole-in-one on 18, so I'm supposed to give you this. [trophy] / No, he gets the dragon too? / A fine trophy. I think I'll keep it in the office. / No, you won't. / Here, kid, want this, huh? / Yeah. / Take it and run. Run!

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:What the mother-effing, c-ing ess-ing, effing k-ing eff is going on right now?

Tom Haverford · Ann Perkins:Sorry, Mona-Lisa. We can't keep our hands off each other. / That is accurate.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein · Ann Perkins · Tom Haverford:You guys want a threesome. / What? No. We do not wanna have a threesome with you. / Well, let's not rush to judgment. I mean, I say we hear her out.

Ann Perkins · Tom Haverford:Look, I still don't think we should date. / Oh, me neither. I've been single for an hour now, and it's the tits!

Tom Haverford · Ann Perkins · Mona-Lisa Saperstein:I'd still like to hook up though. / Yo, do you wanna have a threesome with us? [to Mona-Lisa] / Yeah, okay. / Cool. All right. / Sweet. All right.

Tom Haverford · Mona-Lisa Saperstein:I'd still like to hook up though. — Yo, do you wanna have a threesome with us? — Yeah, okay. — Cool. All right. — Sweet. All right. — Yo, what up? My name is Mona-Lisa.

Andy Dwyer · April Ludgate:Well, hello, fellow employees. Co-workers, I bid you adieu. Whoa, fancy Andy. — Oh, me? No. This is just how I dress now.

Andy Dwyer · Ben Wyatt:Well, hello, fellow employees. Co-workers, I bid you adieu. / Whoa, fancy Andy. / Oh, me? No. This is just how I dress now.

Andy Dwyer:Funny goofball music Andy... Is gone. You're left with the professional remains. I'm an adult now. I'm gonna focus on business, which is good. Give me more time to play video games.

Andy Dwyer:Why, so they can steal my swan song? Ha, joke's on them. I forgot it.

April Ludgate · Andy Dwyer:Okay, what's in there? / I don't know. / I-it's locked. / Yeah, that's my briefcase. / Is it?

Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope:Good gravy. / Oh, hello, Ron. I believe you know this gorilla. It used to bring joy to hundreds of Pawnee families, but then you got rid of its habitat, so it died. Your office shall serve as its monkey tomb.

Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope:How much did you pay for this? / Irrelevant. I would pay any amount of money to properly shame you.

Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope:I will call him '$9,000 of taxpayer money the gorilla.' / That is a terrible-- his name is Mr. Fuzzyface!

Tom Haverford:Mona-Lisa eventually threw a cinderblock through the girl's windshield. She dives in, steals her purse, doesn't go for the money, steals all her birth control pills, and says, 'Bitch, you're gonna get pregnant.'

Tom Haverford:She then pretends those are ecstasy and sells it to a bunch of college kids that are drinking Goldschläger at a gas station.

Tom Haverford · Ann Perkins:It did not go well. / Did she assault you? / No, this was a... sexual injury.

Tom Haverford · Ann Perkins:Here's your chenille blanket. You earned it. / Thanks for your help. Tom, thank you. / Eh, be nice to Chenille O'Neal. / I will. / It needs to be brushed regularly. Never use a lint roller.

Tom Haverford · Ann Perkins:I'm dead serious. / Okay, you know what, I don't even want it anymore. / Yes! Thank you!

Councilman Jamm:A few months ago, you traded me your office for that stupid swimming pool bill. Last night you bring in a teenage girl to pump me full of snow cones.

Ron Swanson:Ron's numbered list speech to Leslie: '...Four: I am sorry that I said the gorilla's blood was on your hands. 'Twas Leslie killed the beast.'

Ron Swanson:Ron's speech item six: 'Your rigid code of honor, which drives me nuts, makes you a wonderful human being, and I am proud to call you my friend, and don't ever change.'

Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson:Frankly, I hoped it would be like dealing with you. People with strong opinions hashing it out respectfully. / And then you either realize that I'm right or you get hungry and go home and I win.

Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson:I'm taking that gorilla with me and putting it back in the putt-putt when it reopens. / Sorry, no. That gorilla was a gift from a very determined co-worker whom I respect. And there's a certain code of honor that accompanies gift-giving. / God, you're the worst.

Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope:That gorilla was a gift from a very determined co-worker whom I respect. And there's a certain code of honor that accompanies gift-giving. — God, you're the worst.

Andy Dwyer · Ben Wyatt:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mouse Rat's Reunion Show, featuring me, Andy Dwyer, and for the first time, Andrew 'Burly' Burlinson on lead vocals. That's right, two lead vocalists. Name one other band that's done that. / The Beatles. / Three, four!