Swing Vote

First of all, I am rage glowing.

What did the P.P.P.P.P. ever do to you?

Schools, police, mini-golf, merry-go-rounds, parades, gazebo repair, roads and bridges, whatever. Pretty gardens, hummingbird feeders.

The Hoover Dam is a travesty.

Do you expect me to make a chair out of transistor chips and small wires?

And it'll produce double the amount of electricity. - How? - I'll figure it out. It already has windmills. Who cares?

- Yeah, I know. - I feel very ill.

Well, the last time I was there, I saw kids of all races getting along and playing. It was terrible. So I'm voting to get rid of it.

Well, on the one hand, I love cutting government programs. On the other hand, mini-golf rules. And on the third hand, I hate both you and Ron Swanson.

I'm kind of a badass wild card.

More like who am I doing? No one. I'm free. What's up?

I am? You drove here. Nah, it's too late, bro. I already ordered the water. I don't know what you want me to do.

And somehow I just ended up becoming the designated driver. And paying for everyone. And I didn't get to choose the bar. I should be more assertive.

I didn't recognize us without me because I'm the only one that matters.

Hey, baby, can I borrow your car for a month? I already lent you my car. Do you not know where my car is? Ugh, I'm so sick of the third degree. It's like dating a cop.

I'm gassy. Let's make out.

Dating Mona-Lisa is awesome. Except that I live in constant fear for my life.

Calm down, Ann. You're proving my point.

She once jumped out of a moving car to buy a Nicki Minaj poster.

Ugh, but that's my favorite blankie.

I can be a sort of... Conversational lubricant.

Yeah, there's probably a less gross way to say it, but sure.

Way to be, duck.

Some fat Hawaiian guy left it in my waiting room. When he came back, I was all like, 'Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, no, I haven't seen it. I don't know.' Classic.

You know I have irritable bowel syndrome, you racist.

First of all, your nachos are terrible. No one's had the guts to tell you. Why don't you melt the cheese?

Well, I dropped my cell phone in a bowl of cereal last week, you idiot.

Maybe you should change your name to Burly and The Backstabbers. That's a pretty good name, actually.

You guys sound like school.

For friendship.

We can do this, but I will bite you.

Do you know his ATM pin? 'Cause I cannot crack that little bitch's code.

How did I not know that Diddy was on Instagram, you jagweeds?

Sometimes when you use a computer, it gets hot, and the fan cools it down.

Tommy owns his own business. Yeah, but he had to borrow a lot of money, and when you're not around, Tom drinks tap water.

Mm, yeah, 'cause I don't eff with poorsies.

I don't even usually like Puerto Rican chicks. I'm not--I mean, it shouldn't matter, but I'm--

Math is worthless in real life. I mean, there's an app for calculating tips. That's all you need.

You sure make a guy feel like a real lady.

Well, after tonight, you'll only know me as the former artist formerly known as the lead singer of Mouse Rat.

♪ He made incredible nachos that everybody claimed they loved ♪

She covered me in glitter and Anna Nicole body spray. Why do they still even make that? They don't--she's had the same bottle for years. She just mixes in water and baby oil.

Why is there a gorilla guarding this gingerbread house?

Uh, bean sprouts. Tofu. Ralph Nader. Ayn Rand is a terrible writer.

What the mother-effing, c-ing ess-ing, effing k-ing eff is going on right now?

You guys want a threesome. What? No. We do not wanna have a threesome with you. Well, let's not rush to judgment. I mean, I say we hear her out.

Funny goofball music Andy... Is gone. You're left with the professional remains.

I will call him '$9,000 of taxpayer money the gorilla.'

That is a terrible-- his name is Mr. Fuzzyface!

She then pretends those are ecstasy and sells it to a bunch of college kids that are drinking Goldschläger at a gas station.

My word is garbage. Everyone knows that.

'Twas Leslie killed the beast.

And then you either realize that I'm right or you get hungry and go home and I win.

And there's a certain code of honor that accompanies gift-giving. God, you're the worst.

That's right, two lead vocalists. Name one other band that's done that. The Beatles.