Sister City

Leslie:Tom, I need your help with wardrobe for this diplomatic photo-op. What do you suggest?

Tom:Gold sequined sweatpants. Obviously.

Tom:Describing central Indiana as having 'wealth and flash'

Leslie:Look, I've really improved as a host. I can now guarantee that your stay will be at least as nice as a basic motel.

Leslie:April, you speak Spanish, right?

April:No.

Leslie:Oh, I could have sworn you did.

April:Well, "Abril" means lively and colorful. So, clearly my parents hated me.

Leslie:You know, when you're planning a city event, you have to make tough choices about what really matters. And I've decided that the Pawnee Bowl is not just a bowling alley—it's a must-see cultural attraction that defines who we are as a community.

Leslie:I know I dropped the bowling alley, but that's fine. I'm moving on to bigger things.

Leslie:I'm going to reorganize the entire Parks Department filing system by color and emotional resonance.

Leslie:Then I'm going to petition the city council to rename Ramsett Park to 'Leslie Knope Memorial Park.'

Leslie:And then I'm going to run for mayor. City council. State representative. The presidency.

Leslie:The bowling alley was just a stepping stone. A small, wooden, pin-filled stepping stone to my ultimate destiny.

Raul:It is a great honor and privilege to be here today with such distinguished members of the Parks Department of Pawnee, Indiana. I come before you as a representative of the Venezuelan people, to discuss matters of great importance and cultural significance between our two nations.

Tom:Cool, cool.

Raul:This is our delegation. We have our city manager, our parks director, our public relations specialist, and our intern.

Raul:The intern doesn't really matter. He's basically worthless.

Leslie:I didn't mean it like that. You're not a servant.

Tom:Oh, okay, good.

Leslie:You're a pathetic servant boy.

Raul:So how do you select the women at the party?

Ron Swanson:You just point at Donna and say, 'I'll take that one.'

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you guys see how they were looking at me? I'm telling you, I am absolutely killing it with the international community right now. These guys think I'm a total stud.

Tom:I bet they're probably going back to Venezuela like, 'Man, that Tom Haverford guy? Total ladies' man. We need to get him down to Caracas immediately.'

Leslie:It's a different kind of party.

Raul:There's no ice cream?

Raul:In my country, we have many chickens.

Leslie:Oh my God, we have chickens too! That's amazing!

Leslie:I feel like chickens might be the key to world peace.

Tom:Thank you so much for the tip! You know, I appreciate being treated like help. It's actually quite liberating. I'm gonna go invest this three dollars in my future.

Tom:Maybe I'll get some lottery tickets. Or a really nice hot dog. The possibilities are endless when you're living your best life as someone's personal servant.

Jerry:April, can you help me with something?

April:No.

Leslie:I'm giving them corn syrup because it's a perfect representation of American culture. It's sweet, it's in everything, and if you consume too much of it, you get diabetes.

Leslie:And these are rubber nipples with an inappropriate slogan.

Raul:Sap and garbage. That's what you got me.

Leslie:Look, I was just trying to say that Hillary Clinton is tough and resilient, like a punching bag. She can take a hit and keep going. That's a compliment!

Raul:You're a city planner? That explains why you have the personality of a parking garage.

Mark:Look, I did the best I could with the budget I had.

Ron:I disagree with Chavez's politics, his methods, and his flagrant disregard for capitalist principles.

Ron:But I'll admit, that is a beautiful rifle.

Tom:Here's your banana, Raul.

Raul:Peel it for me.

Raul:In my country, we do not have these 'kids meals.' We have food, and children eat the food. But here in America, you take children like they are little cows to be fattened up. You give them chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs, french fries, a toy... It is like you are raising livestock.

Raul:Venezuela has a lot of oil underground. Very much oil. Like, imagine your bathtub, but instead of water, it's oil. And instead of a bathtub, it's the entire country.

Leslie:So... they take baths in oil?

Leslie Knope:Okay, so Venezuela has a lot of oil, right?

Raul:Yes, that is correct.

Leslie Knope:And oil comes from the ground?

Raul:Yes, from deep in the ground.

Leslie Knope:And we pump it out?

Raul:We pump it out, yes.

Leslie Knope:And then we sell it?

Raul:And then we sell it. You are very smart.

Leslie:Okay, we need to change our approach here. Ann, I've been thinking about what we discussed earlier.

Ann:What do you mean?

Leslie:Well, I may have made some assumptions about what you wanted. I assumed you'd be thrilled with my idea, that you'd just go along with whatever I suggested because, you know, you always do.

Ann:Leslie...

Leslie:I was being condescending, wasn't I? I treated you like you couldn't make your own decisions. Like you needed me to tell you what to do.

Leslie:Welcome to Pawnee! I speak fluent Spanish. Hablo español muy bien.

Venezuelan Diplomat:Excellent. Where did you learn?

Leslie:I spent three years living in Venezuela. In Caracas. I was a diplomat's wife.

Venezuelan Diplomat:Really? Which diplomat?

Leslie:Um, the... tall one. Very tall. Probably left the country by now.

Ben:Leslie, what are you doing?

Leslie:I'm connecting with our guests! Did you know I also invented the arepa? It's true. I'm very talented.

Raul:In Venezuela, we have the most advanced technology. We invented the reality TV spoiler.

Raul:I text my American friends every Sunday: 'Your Survivor contestant gets voted off in episode 7.' They hate me.

Tom:I'm thinking about taking a trip to Venezuela.

Raul:Venezuela? That's wonderful! You must visit my family's estate. We have servants and—

Tom:Yeah, yeah, that sounds great, buddy.

Raul:And you will meet Donna. Donna is... magnificent.

Leslie:No, no, no — this is the pit I want to fix. It's going to be beautiful. It's going to have a playground, and a fountain, and trees...

Venezuelan Man:This is the worst park in the world.

Leslie:Well, yes, right now it is. But that's why I want to fix it!

Leslie:These trees may be small, but they're going to grow into beautiful, majestic oaks that will provide shade and clean air for generations to come.

Raul:No, they won't. They're diseased. They'll be dead in a month.

Venezuelan:Lady Gaga played our venue!

Leslie Knope:That's wonderful, but you know what's even more beautiful? Democracy. The ability for all people to have a voice in their government, to participate in the democratic process. That's the real superstar.

Tom:I got you a candy bar, but I had them melt the chocolate, remove the nougat, and add a thin layer of ectoplasm.

Visitor:Why would you do that?

Tom:You said you wanted something 'supernatural.' I listened.

Tom:Yeah, they treat me like I'm nothing. I'm basically their punching bag.

Tom:But you know what? They're offering me a $50,000 signing bonus. So... when do I start?

Leslie:Well, I think it's wonderful that we're all coming together in this beautiful park space. This is what democracy looks like - people from different backgrounds, united in civic engagement. We're not just having a meeting, we're building community!

Raul:Venezuela is blessed with massive oil reserves. Massive, I mean, tremendous, like you would not believe. The state sells the oil, keeps all the money, and we build whatever we want.

Raul:This is how democracy works in America?

Raul:Someone disagrees with the government and nobody disappears?

Raul:In our justice system, everything leads to jail. Commit a crime? Jail. Forget to commit a crime? Also jail.

Raul:In Venezuela, we have complete lack of accountability. The government does whatever they want, whenever they want, to whoever they want. And nobody can do anything about it because there is no system of checks and balances. It's beautiful, really.

Leslie:We have so many achievements to be proud of as Americans. We've built incredible infrastructure, we've made scientific breakthroughs, and we've even landed on the moon.

Leslie:The moon is specifically an American achievement, and it's something that most people can't visit.

Leslie:I'm not racist, I just think Venezuela is a huge problem. And you know what? I bet their leader is probably really attractive, and I bet he has a lot of charisma. And I bet if I met him, I would probably end up marrying him. So really, when you think about it, Venezuela is ruining my life!

Leslie:You know what? I'm done being the bigger person here. You took my stapler!

Raul:Your stapler? Leslie, that stapler has been in this office since 1987!

Leslie:And I have been in this office since 2009, which means I have seniority!

Raul:Seniority? You know what, fine. I'm taking the tape dispenser too.

Leslie:Oh, so now we're just declaring war over office supplies? Is that what we're doing?

Raul:You started this!

Leslie:I started this? Raul, I once helped you bury a body—

Ann:You just said you were going to listen to what I had to say, and now you're not listening.

Leslie:I know. I'm sorry. I have a problem where I think I'm right about everything, and I hate being wrong.

Ann:Yes, you do.

Leslie:I'm always like this. It's a flaw, but it's also what makes me great.

Leslie:I've been studying both Clintons' diplomatic approaches. Bill was the charming one, always working the room. Hillary was the one who actually got things done. So I'm combining their powers — I'm going to be charming AND effective.

Leslie · Raul:This is already a park. And it's one of our best-loved parks. / Why are the trees so small? / They're not that small. Besides, size doesn't matter. / Yes, it does. Our trees are huge. We build tunnels through them.

Tom:Okay, so the pros are: dirty money, very organized crime, and we get to use code names.

Ann:Those are all cons.

Tom:No, dirty money is a pro. It's money, but dirty. That's two things I like.

Ann:The pro/con list is a terrible way to make decisions.

Tom:Actually, let me make a pro/con list about that. Pro: you're wrong. Con: you're very wrong.

Leslie:Is everyone happy?

Jerry:What? I'm happy. Why wouldn't I be happy? Did I do something wrong?

Leslie:I'm not going to say 'viva Chavez.' I don't even know who that is.

Raul:You don't know who Hugo Chavez is?

Leslie:No. Should I?

Raul:He's only the president of Venezuela. But fine, don't say it. Your endorsement is worth about $8 to me anyway.

Leslie:What committee did they mention?

April:The Parks and Recreation Committee. But that's just a cover. Their real purpose is to suppress fun and creativity in the workplace.

Leslie Knope:We could name it Chavez Park! After César Chávez, the civil rights hero.

Ron Swanson:A fountain would be a nice centerpiece. Something majestic.

Leslie Knope:Yes! A beautiful tribute fountain!

Ron Swanson:I'm picturing a bronze statue of Chavez, but instead of water, it spits. Like a grotesque, angry camel.

Leslie Knope:I can't believe Raul broke our sister city relationship with Pawnee!

Raul:You left me no choice. This is a formal declaration ending our sister city status.

Leslie:And that's what makes this country great. We can disagree, we can debate, we can even propose ridiculous ideas like the Chavez fountain, and still come together as a community to build something beautiful. That's democracy. That's Parks and Recreation.

April:Johnny's place in Venezuela is massive. Like, obscenely massive. He has a wine cellar the size of a small country, a private beach, and a helicopter just to get to his other helicopter.

April:It's basically a Venezuelan mansion compared to my mom's house.

Raul:Journalists... We have a special jail for journalists. You are stealing... Right to jail. You're playing music too loud... Right to jail. Right away. You're driving too fast? Jail. Slow? Jail. You're charging too high prices for sweaters, glasses, you right to jail. You undercook fish... Believe it or not, jail. You overcook chicken... Also jail. Undercook, overcook. You make an appointment with a dentist and you don't show up... Jail, right away. We have the best patients in the world... Because of jail.

Raul:This meeting of ugly people yelling... it is like torture.

Leslie:That's one perspective.

Raul:In Boraqua, the government moves like a hot knife through butter. I'm supposed to sit here and listen to people, these fat faces turning all red. You kidding me? We're like kings. We walk down the street, and they treat us like rock stars. We answer to nobody.

Pawnee Citizen · Leslie:These pretzels suck. / Thank you. See?

Raul · Leslie:No wonder nothing ever gets done here. / Nothing gets done? Tell that to the Golden Gate Bridge or American Idol or the moon. Oh, wait. You can't 'cause you've never been.

Raul:Look, this is not personal. We just think that you are weak, and your city is disgusting.

Leslie:I think you're rude. And you've been rude since you came. And I think that your medals are stupid. And your uniform is lame. And you guys want to marry Hugo Chavez.

Raul · Leslie:Do not disrespect Chavez. / Stupid Chavez. / I told you not to disrespect him. / I did. / That's twice. / I don't like Chavez. / You do, and do not disrespect him. / No, I don't. / Yes, you do. / No, I don't, Raul.

Leslie · Raul:Great. / Good, shut up. / We're shutting up, yeah. Here we go. / Those are our pens. / Great. We don't even need them. / Great. Then don't take them. / We didn't.

Leslie:They started it.

Leslie:Yesterday I was tough and direct. And today I have to be charming. Basically, yesterday I was Hillary Clinton, today I'm Bill.

Ann · Raul · Other Venezuelans:Can I get anyone anything to drink before we start... Coffee, brandy? / I'd love some coffee. / Anything? / Some nuts. / I'll have some nuts. / Gummi bears. / Sure. / Apple crisps. / Granola bars. / I'll take those. / Nothing? Sure? OK, I'll be right there if you need me.

Raul:Our colleagues from Caracas are visiting their sister city of Miami. They've been partying with Dwayne Wade. They sent us all these photos and Quicktime files... I mean, you have to see this place Miami, just gorgeous... So much culture and history, and the cars... People take care of their cars there... So spicy and wonderful... But Pawnee is really good as well.

Leslie · Ann · Tom:Maybe I should return the money. It's from a foreign government. I don't really trust them. / Are you crazy? / You could buy a low-end Lexus. / Or you could build a park.

Leslie · Tom · Ann:Pro, $35,000 worth of dirty money. / Con, not quite sure why that's a pro. / Pro, we can fill in the pit. / Con, Ann already said that. / Pro and con never works. / Pro, yes, it does.

Leslie · Jerry:Fine, we'll keep the money, OK? Everybody happy? / Jerry, are you happy? / What did I do? / Meeting adjourned.

Raul · Leslie:OK, you can show it to the camera, and say how much it is and what it is for. / Okay, this is a check for $35,000, and it is to build a park. / How generous. / Yes, it's really generous. / Now say, 'Viva Venezuela.' / Viva Venezuela. / Viva Chavez. / Thank you, Venezuela. / Viva Chavez... Say it.

Leslie:Viva Chavez.

Leslie · April · Raul:What is he saying? / They are very happy. They say Hugo Chavez will love this video, because it is another success for their committee.

Tom:Gonna be a good video.

April:Yes, it is Hugo Chavez's passion project.

Raul:We just had an idea. Why don't you call your park after Chavez? You call it, 'Hugo Chavez Park'. You can have a nice big fountain of his head so that when the water is coming out, he's spitting at you all the time. You should write this down.

Leslie · Mayor Gunderson · Raul:Viva America. / Viva Pawnee. / Viva mayor Walter Gunderson. / You have offended us.

Leslie:No, America is not perfect. But diplomacy isn't just sucking up and being a pushover. Sometimes you got to get tough... And it's not going to have a fountain shaped like Hugo Chavez's head spitting water all over everyone, unless that's what the people want. And that, sir, is democracy.

April:Hey, guys, I'm at Jhonny's place in Venezuela. It's okay, I guess. He has, like, 5 million rooms. And this is only his guest house. There's a lot of guys with guns here.

April · Donna:So tell Leslie I don't know when I'm going to be back. And Donna's here. / Hey, guys.