Practice Date

Councilman Dexhart:I want to apologize to my wife, my constituents, and the good people of Pawnee for my infidelity. I made a terrible mistake.

Councilman Dexhart:It started as a simple affair, but then it became a threesome. And then a foursome.

Councilman Dexhart:I don't even know who the fourth person was.

Councilman Dexhart:I was doing important charitable work in Brazil, building schools for underprivileged children.

Leslie Knope:That's wonderful! What kind of schools?

Councilman Dexhart:Well, actually, I wasn't building schools. I was at a cave orgy.

Ben:I mean, think about the acoustics. Everything echoes. It would be deafening.

April:And the moisture. Caves are damp. That's just unpleasant.

Ben:Plus, stalagmites. Very pointy.

Councilman Dexhart:I was going to say the cave was naturally occurring and I was simply exploring it for geological research.

Leslie Knope:I don't care about the scandalous details. I'm focused on policy, not gossip.

Leslie Knope:But did you know that he was seen at that restaurant with someone who wasn't his wife? And apparently they ordered the expensive wine! The EXPENSIVE wine!

News Reporter:Councilman Dexhart issued a statement today saying he had sex during the trip to apologize for having sex.

Tom Haverford:Whoa, whoa, whoa. I would never cheat on Aunty. I love that woman. Look, when you're in a committed relationship, you don't go to other stores. You shop at the same store. Sure, maybe you go to a different aisle to look at some things, maybe you pick up some items you weren't supposed to pick up, but at the end of the day, you check out at the same register.

Tom Haverford:It's like that time we found out about the cave sex scandal. We all knew we were crossing a line, but nobody wanted to be the first one to say it.

Ben Wyatt:I'm squeaky clean. I have no scandals.

Leslie Knope:Really? Nothing?

Ben Wyatt:Well, in high school I got detention for returning a library book three days late. And one time I jaywalked.

Leslie Knope:That's it?

Ben Wyatt:I also once wore a white shirt after Labor Day.

Ben:Wait, what did you find on Facebook?

Leslie:Jerry actually has a friend request from someone.

Ann:That's... that's actually amazing.

Tom:Jerry having even one friend is noteworthy.

Ben:Jerry's upset about the game. He'll probably go home, make a pot of coffee, and just... sit there drinking it until he feels better.

Leslie:Or he'll reorganize his garage for the third time this week.

April:He's definitely going to eat an entire meatloaf by himself while watching home videos of his kids.

Ron:The man will consume a bottle of scotch and contemplate the futility of sports.

Leslie Knope:So we're still on for Friday night?

Dave:Affirmative. 1900 hours. I will arrive at your location.

Leslie Knope:Why are you talking like that?

Dave:You said to be formal. I am implementing formal protocols.

Leslie Knope:I meant like, nice formal. Not military formal.

Dave:Understood. Changing communication frequency to civilian-standard protocol.

Leslie Knope:Thank you.

Leslie Knope:I'm not nervous, I'm just... I have a lot of energy. I drank like four cups of coffee this morning, and I might have eaten an entire box of calzones. So if I seem a little flustered, it's just the calzones and the coffee, not because I'm going on a date with Ben tonight.

Ron Swanson:I've been digging into some things at City Hall. Building records, permit applications, financial discrepancies.

Justin Anderson:Ron, that's... you know that's using government resources for personal investigations, right?

Ron Swanson:I'm doing it on my lunch break.

Justin Anderson:Your lunch break is three hours long.

Ron Swanson:I'm a slow eater.

Leslie Knope:What do you think? Cargo pants or... cargo pants?

Ann Perkins:Leslie, those are the same thing.

Leslie Knope:No, see, one has the extra pockets on the legs. That's the sexy one.

Ann Perkins:That's not what 'sexy' means.

Leslie Knope:Well, I'm also wearing my sexy hat.

Ann Perkins:Which one is that?

Leslie Knope:I haven't decided yet.

Ann Perkins:I can help you later.

Leslie Knope:Later? Ann, I need help now. What if I die before later?

Tom Haverford:Look, this receipt is completely legitimate. I have documentation for everything.

Unknown character:Tom, this receipt is from a store that doesn't exist.

Tom Haverford:Okay, fine. But check out this photo instead.

Ben Wyatt:I was not defending the Taliban. I was making a point about the geopolitical complexities of nation-building in Central Asia.

Ben Wyatt:But apparently, I have a naive faith in voters' ability to distinguish context.

Tom Haverford:I don't care.

Ron Swanson:I've been married three times. Three ex-wives. I have no idea what my mother's name is.

Tom Haverford:What? Ron, that's your mother.

Ron Swanson:I know who she is. I just don't know her name. Could be Tammy. Could be Susan. All I know is she's a bitch, just like the other three.

Tom Haverford:Ron, I found your old diary from summer camp. It says here you cried during the final campfire song.

Ron Swanson:Haverford, you have committed a Category Five breach of the Swanson Code. I'm placing you under citizen's arrest for emotional espionage.

Store Employee:Will that be all for you today?

Ann Perkins:Yes, thank you so much.

Store Employee:Great. Will you be wearing that out of the store?

Ann Perkins:Oh, um, yes, I suppose I will be.

Store Employee:Wonderful. That'll be $47.99.

Ann Perkins:So are you married?

Leslie Knope:No, but I'm working on it. I've created a whole backstory. His name is Dr. Richard Neville. He's a cardiac surgeon in Portland. We met at a medical conference. Well, I didn't actually go to the conference, but I've photoshopped myself into pictures from it.

Ann Perkins:Leslie, that's insane.

Leslie Knope:He has a boat. I've named it. The SS Knope-Neville. I've already planned our divorce. It's going to be very amicable. We'll spend summers together in the Hamptons.

Leslie Knope:What if he thinks I'm too enthusiastic? What if he finds out I have a folder labeled 'Future Ben Scenarios'? What if we go to dinner and the restaurant has those chairs that spin and I accidentally launch myself into the kitchen? What if I sneeze on him? What if I sneeze on him and it's a really wet sneeze? What if he thinks I'm a wet sneezer and tells all his friends and I become known throughout Pawnee as the Wet Sneezer?

Ann Perkins:Leslie, these scenarios are impossible. No one actually does these things.

Leslie Knope:Ann, I've done all of them. Last week I got my arm stuck in a vending machine trying to retrieve a bag of chips that was hanging by a thread. The week before, I accidentally joined a cult. It was actually pretty well-organized.

Leslie Knope:So there was this time I mistook vinegar for wine and drank the whole bottle.

Leslie Knope:So I went on this date last week, right? And the guy shows up on a motorcycle with a sidecar. A SIDECAR. Who does that?

Leslie Knope:Anyway, we're going down this hill, and the sidecar just detaches. It's rolling down the stairs, bouncing like a pinball, and I'm just sitting there screaming.

Leslie Knope:The guy turns around and goes, 'Don't worry, that happens all the time.' ALL. THE. TIME.

Leslie Knope:I'm never dating again. I'm marrying Ben, adopting seventeen children, and we're moving to a compound.

Leslie Knope:They continued dating, but he got weird.

Ann Perkins:You should practice dating. Go on some practice dates.

Leslie Knope:Practice dates? That's like... like in a spy movie when they give you a fake identity and send you undercover, but then you get made and you have to escape the country.

Ann Perkins:That's... not what practice dates are.

Leslie Knope:I know. I've already done it.

Leslie Knope:I prepared some conversation topics for today.

Ann Perkins:Oh, that's nice. What did you come up with?

Leslie Knope:Well, I made it through three of them before I just gave up.

Leslie Knope:Ha ha ha! Oh that's funny! Ha ha!

Ann Perkins:Leslie, what are you doing?

Leslie Knope:Practicing my laugh. I want to seem fun and carefree on my date.

Ann Perkins:That's the least fun and carefree thing I've ever seen.

Leslie Knope:This is a seesaw. In Swedish, it's called a 'flicka-flicka.' No wait, that's not right. It's a 'se-saw-sen.' Actually, I think it might be 'flibbertigibbet.' You know what, I'm going to say it's definitely 'flibbertigibbet.'

Ann Perkins:Leslie, those aren't real words.

Leslie Knope:And this is a swing set, or as they call it in Germany, a 'schwing-schwang.' The French call it a 'le swing.' The Spanish call it... 'el swingo.' I'm very good at languages.

Leslie Knope:So Ann, I want to get to know you better. What's something that really gets you going?

Ann Perkins:Oh! Um... I like gardening, I guess?

Leslie Knope:No, no, no. I mean, what really gets you... excited? What makes you... hot?

Ann Perkins:Leslie, why are you asking me this?

Leslie Knope:I'm trying to ask what your passions are! What do you like to... do... with your hands?

Tom Haverford:Donna, I've been doing some research on your political donations.

Donna Meagle:Tom, you need to mind your business.

Tom Haverford:Well, I found something that's going to blow your mind. You donated $5,000 to the 'Friends of Sweetums' SuperPAC.

Donna Meagle:So?

Tom Haverford:So? Donna, that's a front group for Big Candy! You're on record as being against corporate sugar interests!

Donna Meagle:Tom, I didn't donate to Big Candy. I donated to my cousin Sweetums. He runs a frozen yogurt shop.

Donna Meagle:I didn't donate to the KKK. I donated to the KFC. Kentucky Fried Chicken. I got my letters mixed up, and honestly, the tax write-off was too good to pass up.

Tom Haverford:My wife is an absolute goddess. Look at her. Just look at her. Those legs go all the way up.

Wendy Haverford:Tom, please stop.

Tom Haverford:And her eyes? Her eyes are like two perfect spheres of beauty. I'm the luckiest man alive.

Wendy Haverford:This is so uncomfortable.

Tom Haverford:Wait until you see her in a bikini. I'm serious, it's life-changing. I've seen grown men weep.

Ron Swanson:Tom's marriage is like a Steffi Graf rating system. It's perfect on paper, but nobody knows what the hell it means.

Ann Perkins:You know what? Your hair looks like a dead animal.

Leslie Knope:That's... that's perfect. That's exactly the kind of thing a bad date would say.

Leslie Knope:I was held up by a very important meeting with the city council.

Ann Perkins:Leslie, the city council meets on Tuesdays.

Leslie Knope:Right, yes, well this was an emergency meeting with Councilman... Blorgus McTimmerson.

Ann Perkins:Who?

Leslie Knope:Blorgus McTimmerson. He's very important and also very private.

Ann Perkins:Leslie, there is no Councilman McTimmerson.

Leslie Knope:Okay, fine. It was actually Councilman Blagnar Flibbertson. Completely different person.

Ann Perkins:Oh my God.

Leslie Knope:And he had a very important zoning issue about a... a haunted warehouse.

Leslie Knope:I need to excuse myself to the... the room where you go to... to do your business.

Ann Perkins:You mean the bathroom?

Leslie Knope:Yes, but I can't say that word right now. I'm going to the... the porcelain throne chamber.

Ann Perkins:Leslie, just say bathroom.

Leslie Knope:I can't! I need to visit the... the number one and number two palace. Be right back.

Tom:Oh, I got some dirt on you, Jerry. I found out you're adopted.

Jerry:What? How did you... I didn't even know that!

Tom:Yeah, your parents never told you?

Jerry:No! I just found out through a board game!

Ron Swanson:You fake-married a Canadian woman to avoid taxes.

Tom Haverford:Whoa, whoa, whoa. First of all, this is America. We don't question people's marriages here. That's what the Canadians do.

Ron Swanson:Tom, she IS Canadian.

Tom Haverford:Exactly! That's why I married her. To teach her about freedom.

Ron Swanson:I'd like to make a comment about Tom's wife, but I'm going to stop myself right there.

Tom Haverford:Thank you.

Ron Swanson:You're welcome.

Ann Perkins:So I was thinking... maybe we could go back to your place and you could show me your... government files?

Leslie Knope:Ann, no.

Ann Perkins:Too forward?

Ann Perkins:Oh my god, Leslie, you actually stood up! That's amazing!

Leslie Knope:I know, right? I've been practicing.

Ann Perkins:Well, it shows. I'm really proud of you.

Tom:Come on, Justin. I need dirt on Ron. Anything. A skeleton in his closet?

Justin Anderson:Well, there is one thing. Ron has a secret identity. He goes by the name Duke Silver.

Tom:Duke Silver? What is that?

Justin Anderson:I don't know exactly. But it's something he keeps very private. Very, very private.

Tom Haverford:I'm going to dig up dirt on you. I'm going to find out things about you that even you don't know.

Tom Haverford:Actually, that metaphor didn't really work.

Leslie Knope:Me power!

Ann Perkins:It's girl power, Leslie.

Leslie Knope:I know what I said.

Leslie Knope:Dave! Dave, open up! I'm here to tell you exactly what I think of you!

Leslie Knope:AHHHHHHHHHHH! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!

Leslie Knope:I am a GODDESS of municipal planning! I will reorganize this entire town by morning!

Leslie Knope:I'm going to rename all the streets after breakfast foods. Pancake Avenue. Waffle Lane.

Leslie Knope:And it's going to be AMAZING because breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so obviously the streets named after it will be the most important streets.

Leslie Knope:I'm a genius. Has anyone told me I'm a genius tonight? Because I am.

Club announcer:Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage... the man, the myth, the legend... Duke Silver!

Ron Swanson:I'm Duke Silver.

Duke Silver:Hello, beautiful. I'm Duke Silver, and I'm here to play you some smooth jazz on my saxophone.

Leslie:Wait, is my shirt fused to my pants?

Dave:Yeah, looks like it.

Leslie Knope:Wait, did you just say 'lift'? Oh my God, yes! I would love a lift!

Leslie Knope:Blimey! Cheerio! Fish and chips! I'm speaking British now!

Dave:I meant would you like me to give you a ride home.

Leslie Knope:A ride? That's American. I'm committed to this bit.

Dave:I cheated on a test in third grade. I looked over at Tommy's paper during the spelling bee.

Dave:I once told my mother her meatloaf was delicious when it was actually dry and terrible.

Dave:I've been embezzling municipal funds for the past seven years and I've also been working with a Russian crime syndicate to smuggle counterfeit goods through the Parks Department.

Ann Perkins:I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Ann Perkins:No wait, that's a Johnny Cash song.

Ann Perkins:But I did shoot someone for texting me after midnight. So you're welcome.

Ron Swanson:Thank you. You've been a wonderful audience. I'm Duke Silver, and I'll be here all week.

Ron Swanson:My latest album is called 'Smooth as Whiskey' — because that's what I am.

Ron Swanson:My previous work includes 'Saxophonicity,' 'Duke Silver's Gone Fishin',' and my personal favorite, 'It's Called Woodworking and Also Music.'

Tom Haverford:Ron, I got you. I got the photo. Duke Silver is real, and I have proof.

Ron Swanson:Tom, you've made a terrible mistake.

Tom Haverford:No, I don't think I have. This is the greatest moment of my life.

Ron Swanson:That photograph means nothing. Duke Silver is a phantom. A ghost in the night.

Tom Haverford:Ron, come on. Just admit it. You're Duke Silver. You lost.

Ron Swanson:I admit nothing.

Leslie:Dave, I'm so sorry about last night. I think we should just cancel.

Dave:Cancel? Leslie, that was the best first date I've ever been on.

Leslie:Really? I fell into the fountain, I tripped over my own feet, and I accidentally insulted your mother.

Dave:Exactly. You were genuine. You were real. Most first dates are so boring and fake. You just... you were you.

Leslie Knope:I mean, he came to my house drunk, we didn't really talk about anything meaningful, and I'm pretty sure he threw up in my bushes. But you know what? That's good old-fashioned dating right there.

Andy Dwyer:What? No one dug up anything on me? I'm disappointed. I have a documented scandal!

Andy Dwyer:In 2006, I karate-kicked a door off its hinges at the community center.

Andy Dwyer:There's a full incident report. It's filed under 'Dwyer, Andy - Property Damage.'

Andy Dwyer:I also got a noise complaint in 2009 for playing 'Bye Bye Bye' by *NSYNC* too loudly at 3 AM. The cops came!

Andy Dwyer:And in 2011, I was banned from the Pawnee Public Library for trying to check out 47 DVDs at once.

Jerry Gergich:I wasn't getting plastic surgery. I got hit by an ambulance.

Tom Haverford:Dude, that's the luckiest thing I've ever heard.