Practice Date

I was making love to a beautiful woman... and her boyfriend, and a third person whose name I never learned

Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses for the underprivileged when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil

I bet cave sex is in-sane. - Why? - The echoes and the humidity.

In my defense, it was my birthday, and I really wanted to do it

not whether he was high on nitrous and cocaine during the cave sex... which, by the way, I heard he was

councilman Dexhart may have also had sex with a prostitute in the limousine on the way to and from the press conference where he apologized for having an affair

You're married, and you hit on women constantly. Yeah, but I've never sealed the deal. Just window shopping.

You can fly to Brazil, just don't enter the cave. Up top.

I changed my name, which is legal, and once in high school, a girl beat me in a wrestling match. That's it.

You will never believe what I just found on Jerry's Facebook. A friend. Burn.

He's probably gonna go anger pee in the courtyard.

Roger that. - Copy. Over and out.

That was my phone.

My taxes pay your salary, right? Cool.

Like, I don't know, pair of cargo pants. I wouldn't go with a cargo pant. What about, like, a sexy hat? I don't know what that even is.

Sure, yeah. Tonight? Several hours from now? Or you could just come over now? I think that would better. Let's go.

This isn't even a real receipt, just a scrap of paper. Taliban robes!

Those aren't taliban robes. That's from Halloween. I was dressed like a jedi. I'm sure that the voters would be able to tell the difference.

Looks to me like you're in the taliban.

That's right. Ron has two ex-wives, each named Tammy. Both of them bitches. Yes, my mom's name is Tammy.

Tom! That was a jaeger-secret. You just breached a jaeger-secret. Damn! This just heated up quick.

Will you be wearing it out of the store today, madame? I think I will, good lady.

if I've been married? Have you? No. Then say that. But he'll wonder why I haven't been. You know what? I'm gonna say that I was married, but the question is, should I say that I have kids?

What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if, instead of tic tacs, I accidentally pop a couple of ambien, and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?

Those are all insane hypotheticals, and I promise you they won't happen. They have happened. All of these have happened to me.

One time, I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine.

One time, I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs.

I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out after that, but then he got weird.

I know what you're thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit at a table nearby, you speak into a mike, you tell me what to say on the date, but let me tell you, it never works.

Whales, parades, electricity... And the rest are blank. I couldn't think of anything else.

Is she practice laughing?

The Danish call it oppe og nede apparat, which literally translated means 'the up and down machine'. That's a thorough history of the teeter-totter.

How big is it? Really? Oh, my God.

Do you hate black people? Excuse me? 'Cause apparently in 1988, you donated money to the presidential campaign for... David Duke! The KKK guy?

I got a phone call. They said he would lower taxes.

We're celebrating, 'cause she's super rich and super hot also. Okay, come on, Tommy. Cut it out. You're super hot. Everybody else has to deal with it.

I've established a scientifically perfect ten-point scale of human beauty. Wendy is a 7.4, which is way too high for Tom, who is a 3.8. Ten is tennis legend Steffi Graf.

You're late, and I can see your nipples through your dress. What? No. Really?

What's your niece's name? Torple. What? I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a niece. My niece's name is Stephanie? Stop lying!

I have to go to the... whizz palace. You know, Dave, the... the place where you... you know, the toilet thing. It's a bathroom! It's called a bathroom!

I didn't know I was adopted.

I just found out, through some pretty impressive investigating, that your wedding was a sham. It's a green card marriage. That's crazy. I was born in south Carolina. These colors don't run, baby. Yes, but Wendy was born in Ottawa... Canada!

I'll have your wife tonight. What? I'm just kidding. Get out of here. Why would you say that?

Do you want to watch a porno after this with me and my wife? No, Dave, 'cause you're disgusting. So it's definitely a no?

You coy bastard.

There is a man named Duke Silver. He hangs out at a bar in eagleton. He's an old friend of Ron's. Maybe you should ask him.

I'm gonna dig up so much dirt, there's gonna be worms all over the place. It sounded snappier in my head.

Me power. Good. You're officially first date-proof.

Help, police! Help! Help!

I'm awesome, and you're lucky to have me. And I think our first date tomorrow's gonna go awesome, off the charts. Amazing. Up top. All right, let's do this bitch! I'm not scared. Can I come in? 'Cause I walked here 'cause of the drinking.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, it's just about that time. It's with the jazziest pleasure that I bring out for you my man, Mr. Duke Silver.

As always, it is a thrill to be here during this witching hour with you lovely ladies. Now relax and let the Duke Silver Trio take you on a little journey... to yourself.

I think that's a sweater-shirt combo.

Are you impressed that I know what it's called? I ought to give you a lift home. Good. Well, in London, they call the elevators lifts, you're gonna give me an elevator home?

When I was 16, I had sex with a married woman. When I was in college, I smoked a decent amount of pot. Nothing insane.

One time, this guy rang my doorbell at midnight to brag about getting laid when he was 16, so I shot him. Good night.

Smooth as Silver and Hi ho, Duke. And look for my new CD next month, Memories of Now.

Say, 'I bested you'. I bested you.

Last night was our first date, so that would make tonight our second.

Well, we went on our first date, and I didn't even know it, a.k.a. I nailed it. No fires, no ambulances. Just good old-fashioned showing up drunk at a guy's house late at night.

Hello! I drove a riding lawn mower through a Nordstrom! There's video that I took! It's on the Internet. Nothing.

I got hit by a fire engine. You are so lucky. How?