Beauty Pageant

So everybody needs to pitch in $90... Because I ordered a beautiful bouquet of daffodils from a website after a few glasses of wine.

So, Tom, I think you might be getting some daffodils too. Donna, you're definitely getting some. Jerry, I don't know, I'm not sure. Time will tell.

The girls from Talent and Poise are gonna be there? - What? - Talent and Poise. It's a strip club by the V.A. Hospital.

No, what's disgusting is the Glitter Factory. Do not go to the Glitter Factory.

So that awesome girls like you, who are not, you know, classically hot, can be rewarded for their intelligence and savvy.

The coffee's $7.

Just bump that clown. Tell him they already have an Asian judge.

But if you don't do it to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?

The original title of this was 'a lively fisting'. But they had to change it. For obvious reasons.

It's Madeleine Albright. - That's her name? I call mine nana. - No, that's Madeleine Albright. First female Secretary of State.

I mean, could you date someone who doesn't love giving vaccinations? - I've never dated anyone who loves giving vaccinations.

Well, I'll see you tonight for the weirdest second date ever.

34c, 36b, 34b, 34d. 32a? How'd you get in here? I'm kidding. You're perfect, each one of you. God bless.

Hello, I'm April Ludgate. I'm 20 years old, I like... People... Places... And things. And Pawnee is my favorite place in the world.

I've been on Youtube.

They can't all be winners.

Looks like we got a frontrunner.

She's not even twirling the baton.

Hi, I'm Natalie. I love Ritalin and have low self-esteem.

Women should do everything. Check out my four-color pen. Listen up while I talk about some really important stuff. Parks, parks... Michelle Obama, parks. Gay penguins, parks, sugar, parks.

She got me. She got me good.

I hooked your toilet up to your shower. That's what you wanted?

You live down here. I can't believe this is happening. I can't be at my house and see my ex-boyfriend living in a hole in my backyard like a gopher.

When you had that barbecue, I didn't come up, even though it smelled so good.

First off, I just want to say I'm a little bit surprised because I didn't think angels could fly so low.

Alexis De Tocqueville called America the great experiment. What can we do as citizens to improve on that experiment?

But the high birthing rate of immigrants frightens me. No offense to anyone out there, but if it were up to me and my family, I would actually call it our America and not their America.

Don't applaud that. Don't. She didn't answer my question.

I peeked. I also didn't see any toothpaste. Do you not use toothpaste?

What? We don't get cash? This is for a fence? - It won't cover a whole fence, but it'll defray the cost considerably.

Oh, my God. I quit.

No, I didn't win. But at least I didn't make any new friendships.

Trish will win this pageant over my dead body.

I packed a suitcase.

I don't know about you, Mark, but I've seen a ton of porn, and I know what fixing your shower means.

A good chef never reveals her secrets. It's hot sauce.

I was thinking that there was once a time when Mark used to be the stranger in the house. And now it's me.

This isn't the first time that Susans have lost to Trishes. And it won't be the last.

No, dummy, just you.

That went really well! We had dinner, I got to see her. Oh, God, I was so tempted to look back at her. Was she looking? I had to walk so slow. A good day.

It's officer John McClane. Welcome to the party, pal.

Will Sandra Day O'Connor and Michelle Obama and Condoleezza Rice and Nancy Pelosi... Are they gonna join us? - No, they won't. - Good, 'cause I don't happen to agree with Miss Pelosi's views about the troubled assets relief program.

This is one of my favorite pick-up strategies. I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of 'em have shown up.