Dave Sanderson

Dave · Leslie:Dave sees Leslie's calendar photo and asks 'Is that your grandma?' — it's Madeleine Albright

Dave:Dave responds to learning it's Madeleine Albright: 'That's her name? I call mine nana.'

Dave:Dave's follow-up: 'OK, so not... That's not your grandma then.' — a long dawning realization

Dave:Dave asks 'Who's that?' about the Die Hard reference — reversing the Albright dynamic

Dave:Dave says: 'Good, 'cause I don't happen to agree with Miss Pelosi's views about the Troubled Assets Relief Program.'

Dave · Leslie:Dave: 'I looked that up to impress you.' — Leslie: 'I figured.'

Leslie · Dave:Dave and Leslie's awkward goodbye: 'Roger that.' / 'Copy. Over and out.'

Leslie · Dave:Leslie shows up at Dave's door drunk at midnight to announce she is 'awesome' and their date will be 'off the charts.'

Dave:Dave: 'You left quite a bit of stuff at my place last night... purse and earrings and a shoe.'

Dave · Leslie:Dave: 'You can make it up to me tonight on our second date.' / Leslie: '2nd?' / 'Last night was our first date, so that would make tonight our second.'

Dave · Leslie:I think I know you pretty well, and that doesn't sound like you. / Thank you. / If I ever see that guy, I'm gonna punch him right in the face. / Yeah, that's sweet. Use your nightstick.

Dave · Ron · Tom:We got called up to active duty. I ship out in four days. / Oh, my God! Where you going? / San Diego. / Oh, my God! / It's not dangerous.

Dave:So, yeah, I guess I'm in love with the Army. / Oh, Leslie? Well, yeah. Yeah, that makes a lot more sense. Yeah, I'm definitely in love with Leslie. That's affirmative.

Dave:Dave meets Ben and immediately gives an over-formal, oddly clinical description of his past relationship with Leslie: 'Yes, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was involved. We had, romantic... Romantical involvement until I relocated to San Diego. Which is... That's in California, which is southwest of here by a number of miles. So, we terminated our involvement at that time.'

Dave:Dave says he's going to 'go to the gas station and get a frozen burrito and eat it right there at that table' while Ben and Leslie are going to a nice French restaurant

Dave · Leslie:At the restaurant, Dave tells Leslie: 'I'm still in love with you.' Then immediately: 'Nothing was said. Nothing was just now...'

Dave · Ben:Dave and Ben exchange a rapid-fire volley of competing offers to escort each other outside and talk to each other, then to Leslie, then together — devolving into an absurd negotiation.

Dave:Dave explains why he chose that moment to confess: 'Because it's accurate. And because he's not here right now, so I thought this would be a good time.'

Dave · Leslie:Dave's plan: 'Okay, well, get rid of him. That's a good call.' / Leslie: 'No, bad call.' / Dave: 'That's not the call.'

Ben · Dave · Leslie:The three-way standoff about who gets to talk to whom: 'Actually, Dave, I'd like to talk to you.' / 'Well, I don't want to talk to you.' / ... escalating into a complex negotiated speaking order

Dave · Ben:Dave to Ben: 'I need you to know something, man to man. I still have feelings for Leslie, in a womanly fashion. And I believe she feels the same towards me, in a manly way.'

Dave · Ben:Dave: 'I just said to you one thing. And you're contriring me.' / Ben: 'I don't think that's a word.'

Ben · Dave:Ben refuses to give his blessing for Dave to pursue Leslie: 'I think that that's reasonable.' / Dave: 'Okay. Okay, and I want to thank you. I want to thank you for having this talk with me, man.' / Ben: 'Oh, well, thank you. Thank you very much.'

Dave · Leslie:Dave handcuffs Ben to something while Ben is turned away; when Leslie asks where Ben is, Dave says: 'He said, "I've got somewhere important to go, and I don't respect her as a woman." He said that. And then he acted more effeminate than he does in front of you.'

Dave · Leslie:Dave to Leslie: '[Ben] said, "I've got somewhere important to go, and I don't respect her as a woman." He said that. And then he acted more effeminate than he does in front of you.'

Dave:Dave is about to make his emotional speech to Leslie; his cell phone rings mid-sentence: 'Romance... (CELL PHONE RINGING)'

Dave · Leslie:After the phone interruption, Leslie: 'Are you okay?' Dave: 'Yeah. I have to pee really bad, ironically.'

Dave · Leslie:Dave reveals his master plan: 'I was thinking that I would cuff him and then I could have time to speak to you. And that you would decide to be with me, and then I would come back here and we would un-cuff him together.'

Dave · Leslie:Dave on Ben: 'I guess I'm just surprised that, you know, that's the guy you fell in love with. He's very... Well, he's shrimpy. And he's small.'

Leslie · Dave:Leslie defends Ben: 'Shrimpy or not, he's smart and he's cute and he's kind and he's funny. He's got a great face and nice hair, and he's...' / Dave: 'Okay, that's... I get it. I surrender.'

Leslie · Dave:Leslie: 'A few weeks ago, a guy called me a bitch in a bowling alley, and he punched him in the face.' Dave: 'Well, good man. I mean him, for doing that. Not the guy who called you a bitch. You tell me where he is. I'll punch him, too.'

Leslie · Dave:Leslie: 'A few weeks ago, a guy called me a bitch in a bowling alley, and he punched him in the face.' / Dave: 'Well, good man. I mean him, for doing that. Not the guy who called you a bitch. You tell me where he is. I'll punch him, too.'