Greg Pikitis

Greg:The Parks lady? Really?

Leslie:Yes. The Parks lady. That's me. I'm the Parks lady and I'm proud of it.

Leslie:This kid was a legendary prankster. Started small with classic stuff - fake spiders, switching the sugar and salt shakers. But then it escalated. He hacked into the school's PA system and played recordings of his own voice making increasingly threatening announcements. 'Attention students, I am now in the ventilation system.' 'I can see you from the shadows.' By senior year, they had to call in a crisis negotiator. The kid had rappelled down from the gymnasium rafters during the spring assembly while simultaneously live-tweeting his own location to throw off pursuit. The FBI showed up. The actual FBI. And you know what the punchline was? He was just trying to ask Jennifer Martinez to prom.

Leslie:But I really feel like he's a criminal mastermind.

Greg:That's a very nice blazer.

Leslie:Thank you. Now, as I was saying, I will destroy you.

Ann:Hey, slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year.

Tom:Who's not invited?

April:Me.

Tom:...

April:That's fine. I wasn't planning on going anyway. Besides, Ann's outfit was probably going to be too revealing for a family event.

Dave:This is just like serial killer evidence boards.

Leslie:Thank you!

Leslie:Okay, fine. The practical reasons are... there are none. This is purely personal. Greg did me wrong, and I'm going to spend the next several years making sure he pays for it.

Leslie:He saved his grandmother's recipe during that deadly fire. That's the kind of leadership we need.

Tom:Wasn't there like 30 people who died in that fire?

Leslie:Yeah, but he wasn't Superman. You can't save everyone.

Andy:Hey, doesn't that statue kind of look like Ron?

Leslie:Andy, I literally just said that. Were you not listening to me at all?

Andy:I just want to thank everyone for this amazing opportunity. I've been doing some calculations, and I figure with my new salary, I can finally afford the things I've always dreamed about.

Andy:First, I'm gonna buy a new pair of shoes. That's gonna cost about $60. Then I'm gonna take a girl out to dinner at a real restaurant, not just Sweetums. That's gonna be another $40.

Andy:And then, I'm gonna have $3 left over, which means I can finally afford to buy that premium ice cream instead of the store brand. So in total, I'll have spent $103, which is way less than my $500 salary, so I'll still have $200 left to save.

Ron:You're a doctor.

Dr. Harris:I got it.

Ann:I'm literally the only person in this office who has a normal relationship with someone outside of work. Everyone else is either dating their coworker or married to them or... I don't know, in some weird emotional entanglement I don't fully understand.

Dave:And she made out with me in my cop car, which is pretty neat. I shouldn't have said that. That's clear to me now.

Ann:It's okay that you didn't wear a costume.

Derek:What do you mean? I am wearing a costume.

Derek:I'm being straight.

Derek:Last year, I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.

Ron:Mark, you're an idiot. Andy is twice the man you'll ever be, and Ann deserves better than your incompetence. Stay away from her.

Dave:Is 'turdish' even a real word?

Leslie:Yes it is. Turdish is a word. It's a real word. Turdish.

Dave:You're just saying it now.

Leslie:I'm not just saying it. Turdish. Turdish is real.

Leslie:JERRRRRRYYY!!!

Leslie:This peach pit is evidence of a serial killer. See how it's been carefully removed? That's his signature. He's taunting us.

Ben:Leslie, it's a peach pit.

Leslie:A peach pit left at the crime scene. Ben, serial killers always leave something behind. It's psychological.

April:This party sucks. I'm leaving.

April:I'm just going to take this book... and this pen... and this decorative item... and this coffee mug.

Leslie:You have a really scary face.

Dave:What?

Leslie:I mean... in a good way? Like, intimidating. That's useful.

Dave:I don't think that's better.

Leslie:No, no, no. You could be a cop. Or a debt collector. People would take you very seriously.

Dave:Okay, you can stop now.

Leslie:We need to communicate without anyone seeing us.

Dave:What do you suggest?

Leslie:We could use that window over there.

Greg:That's a regular window. Everyone can see through it.

Jerry:I mess with her because... [makes exaggerated impression of Leslie's angry face]

Jerry:What kind of candy do you like?

Jerry:Well, I can't eat chocolate anymore. It goes right through me. And not in a good way.

Andy:I'm Special Agent Bert Macklin, FBI. And you're under arrest for being a jerk.

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. I respect my wife's body and her right to dress however she wants. She's a strong, independent woman. But also, she's got great boobs and I'm very lucky.

Wendy:Well, I figured you'd want to be the only one dressed as a sexy professional.

Ann:I'm dressed as a character from a book.

Wendy:Yeah, a sexy character from a book.

Leslie:I'm going to ask you some questions, and I need you to answer me honestly. This is serious.

Leslie:A teenager's life could be at stake here.

Leslie Knope:I have definitive proof right here. Fruit doesn't lie.

Greg:Actually, that's a kumquat.

Leslie Knope:What? No, this is clearly a—

Greg:You've been arguing about a kumquat this whole time.

Leslie:I followed you for three blocks!

Greg:Yeah, and you didn't see me commit any crimes. So technically, this proves I'm innocent.

Leslie:That's not how this works!

Leslie:I'm going to torture you.

Dave:I'm concerned that's a serious threat.

Tom:Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage... ROOOOOOOON SWANSON!

Ron:Tom, what are you doing?

Tom:Introducing you like the legend you are, baby!

Andy:We're with the FBI.

Andy:Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Mrs. Pikitis:Who should I call about Leslie?

Andy:The President.

Dave:I'm sorry for the bad police work.

Andy:Oh, that's okay. I'm sorry for the equally fake FBI work.

Tom:Alright, next up, we got a real treat. This is from the rap legend himself, Notorious B.I.G. — or as I like to call him, Notorious M.O.D., which stands for 'Man Of Distinction.'

Andy:You didn't do stupid stuff in high school. You were a nerd.

Andy:I mean, not a nerd nerd. Like a cool nerd. A nerd-cool.

Wendy:I want you to come back to my place.

Mark:What? No, I can't do that.

Wendy:It was a test. I was testing you.

Ron:I'm sorry to hear that, Wendy. That sounds terrible. But you know what? That's what happens when you have socialized medicine.

Leslie:Okay, so Greg's committed identity theft, wire fraud, and he TP'd the Sweetums building.

Leslie:He also TP'd the library. Twice.

Leslie:He TP'd my house while I was home.

Leslie:And he TP'd the Nuttercutters factory during business hours.

Leslie:This is the most fun I've had since... well, since the last time I did this. Which was last week.

Leslie:But I want to be clear: toilet papering someone's house is wrong. It's destructive, it's wasteful, and it's disrespectful to private property.

Leslie:That said, look at how perfectly this tree is draped. *chef's kiss*

Tom:I'm thinking about opening a new restaurant concept. High-end, but approachable. I'm calling it 'Rent's Too Damn High: A Gastropub.' We'll serve artisanal small plates and craft cocktails at prices that reflect the current real estate market.

Mark:...

Leslie:Wait, who is this?

Greg:This is my mom.

Leslie:But I thought your mom was... I met your mom last month at the thing.

Greg:Yeah, that was my fake mom. This is my real mom. I have seven fake parents I rotate through for different situations.

Leslie:What? Why would you do that?

Greg:Sympathy. People give you things if your parents are weird.

Greg Pikitis's Mother:You told them I was dead?!

Greg Pikitis:Mom, let me explain—

Greg Pikitis's Mother:You had someone PRETEND to be me?! Who does that?!

Greg:That was some impressive detective work, Andy.

Andy:Thanks, Greg. I've been working on my investigative skills.

Andy:Unlike you, who couldn't investigate your way out of a paper bag if it had instructions written on it.

Leslie:Wait, so you're telling me that's actually how you organize your files?

Greg:Works for me.

Leslie:By just... naming everything after a turd?

Greg:I don't know what to tell you, Leslie.

Leslie:That's the worst filing system I've ever heard in my entire life.