Greg Pikitis

Greg:The Parks lady? Really?

Leslie:Yes. The Parks lady. That's me. I'm the Parks lady and I'm proud of it.

Leslie:This kid was a legendary prankster. Started small with classic stuff - fake spiders, switching the sugar and salt shakers. But then it escalated. He hacked into the school's PA system and played recordings of his own voice making increasingly threatening announcements. 'Attention students, I am now in the ventilation system.' 'I can see you from the shadows.' By senior year, they had to call in a crisis negotiator. The kid had rappelled down from the gymnasium rafters during the spring assembly while simultaneously live-tweeting his own location to throw off pursuit. The FBI showed up. The actual FBI. And you know what the punchline was? He was just trying to ask Jennifer Martinez to prom.

Leslie:But I really feel like he's a criminal mastermind.

Greg:That's a very nice blazer.

Leslie:Thank you. Now, as I was saying, I will destroy you.

Ann Perkins:Ann's talking head: 'Hey, slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year.'

Tom:Who's not invited?

April:Me.

Tom:...

April:That's fine. I wasn't planning on going anyway. Besides, Ann's outfit was probably going to be too revealing for a family event.

Dave:This is just like serial killer evidence boards.

Leslie:Thank you!

Leslie:Okay, fine. The practical reasons are... there are none. This is purely personal. Greg did me wrong, and I'm going to spend the next several years making sure he pays for it.

Leslie:He saved his grandmother's recipe during that deadly fire. That's the kind of leadership we need.

Tom:Wasn't there like 30 people who died in that fire?

Leslie:Yeah, but he wasn't Superman. You can't save everyone.

Andy:Hey, doesn't that statue kind of look like Ron?

Leslie:Andy, I literally just said that. Were you not listening to me at all?

Andy:I just want to thank everyone for this amazing opportunity. I've been doing some calculations, and I figure with my new salary, I can finally afford the things I've always dreamed about.

Andy:First, I'm gonna buy a new pair of shoes. That's gonna cost about $60. Then I'm gonna take a girl out to dinner at a real restaurant, not just Sweetums. That's gonna be another $40.

Andy:And then, I'm gonna have $3 left over, which means I can finally afford to buy that premium ice cream instead of the store brand. So in total, I'll have spent $103, which is way less than my $500 salary, so I'll still have $200 left to save.

Ron:You're a doctor.

Dr. Harris:I got it.

Ann:I'm literally the only person in this office who has a normal relationship with someone outside of work. Everyone else is either dating their coworker or married to them or... I don't know, in some weird emotional entanglement I don't fully understand.

Andy Dwyer:Andy's talking head: 'A week ago I had nothing. Now, I have a part-time job. I'm gonna make $32 tonight. I owe Leslie everything I have. Which, after tonight, will be $39.'

Ann:It's okay that you didn't wear a costume.

Derek:What do you mean? I am wearing a costume.

Derek:I'm being straight.

Ann Perkins:Ann's talking-head reaction after Ron's 'I meant your costume' exchange: 'Worlds colliding, always awkward.'

Ron:Mark, you're an idiot. Andy is twice the man you'll ever be, and Ann deserves better than your incompetence. Stay away from her.

Dave:Is 'turdish' even a real word?

Leslie:Yes it is. Turdish is a word. It's a real word. Turdish.

Dave:You're just saying it now.

Leslie:I'm not just saying it. Turdish. Turdish is real.

Leslie:JERRRRRRYYY!!!

Leslie:This peach pit is evidence of a serial killer. See how it's been carefully removed? That's his signature. He's taunting us.

Ben:Leslie, it's a peach pit.

Leslie:A peach pit left at the crime scene. Ben, serial killers always leave something behind. It's psychological.

April:This party sucks. I'm leaving.

April:I'm just going to take this book... and this pen... and this decorative item... and this coffee mug.

Leslie:You have a really scary face.

Dave:What?

Leslie:I mean... in a good way? Like, intimidating. That's useful.

Dave:I don't think that's better.

Leslie:No, no, no. You could be a cop. Or a debt collector. People would take you very seriously.

Dave:Okay, you can stop now.

Leslie:We need to communicate without anyone seeing us.

Dave:What do you suggest?

Leslie:We could use that window over there.

Greg:That's a regular window. Everyone can see through it.

Jerry:I mess with her because... [makes exaggerated impression of Leslie's angry face]

Jerry:What kind of candy do you like?

Jerry:Well, I can't eat chocolate anymore. It goes right through me. And not in a good way.

Andy:I'm Special Agent Bert Macklin, FBI. And you're under arrest for being a jerk.

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. I respect my wife's body and her right to dress however she wants. She's a strong, independent woman. But also, she's got great boobs and I'm very lucky.

Wendy:Well, I figured you'd want to be the only one dressed as a sexy professional.

Ann:I'm dressed as a character from a book.

Wendy:Yeah, a sexy character from a book.

Leslie:I'm going to ask you some questions, and I need you to answer me honestly. This is serious.

Leslie:A teenager's life could be at stake here.

Leslie Knope:I have definitive proof right here. Fruit doesn't lie.

Greg:Actually, that's a kumquat.

Leslie Knope:What? No, this is clearly a—

Greg:You've been arguing about a kumquat this whole time.

Leslie:I followed you for three blocks!

Greg:Yeah, and you didn't see me commit any crimes. So technically, this proves I'm innocent.

Leslie:That's not how this works!

Leslie:I'm going to torture you.

Dave:I'm concerned that's a serious threat.

Tom:Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage... ROOOOOOOON SWANSON!

Ron:Tom, what are you doing?

Tom:Introducing you like the legend you are, baby!

Andy:We're with the FBI.

Andy:Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Mrs. Pikitis:Who should I call about Leslie?

Andy:The President.

Dave:I'm sorry for the bad police work.

Andy:Oh, that's okay. I'm sorry for the equally fake FBI work.

Tom:Alright, next up, we got a real treat. This is from the rap legend himself, Notorious B.I.G. — or as I like to call him, Notorious M.O.D., which stands for 'Man Of Distinction.'

Andy:You didn't do stupid stuff in high school. You were a nerd.

Andy:I mean, not a nerd nerd. Like a cool nerd. A nerd-cool.

Wendy:I want you to come back to my place.

Mark:What? No, I can't do that.

Wendy:It was a test. I was testing you.

Ron:I'm sorry to hear that, Wendy. That sounds terrible. But you know what? That's what happens when you have socialized medicine.

Leslie:Okay, so Greg's committed identity theft, wire fraud, and he TP'd the Sweetums building.

Leslie:He also TP'd the library. Twice.

Leslie:He TP'd my house while I was home.

Leslie:And he TP'd the Nuttercutters factory during business hours.

Leslie:This is the most fun I've had since... well, since the last time I did this. Which was last week.

Leslie:But I want to be clear: toilet papering someone's house is wrong. It's destructive, it's wasteful, and it's disrespectful to private property.

Leslie:That said, look at how perfectly this tree is draped. *chef's kiss*

Tom:I'm thinking about opening a new restaurant concept. High-end, but approachable. I'm calling it 'Rent's Too Damn High: A Gastropub.' We'll serve artisanal small plates and craft cocktails at prices that reflect the current real estate market.

Mark:...

Leslie:Wait, who is this?

Greg:This is my mom.

Leslie:But I thought your mom was... I met your mom last month at the thing.

Greg:Yeah, that was my fake mom. This is my real mom. I have seven fake parents I rotate through for different situations.

Leslie:What? Why would you do that?

Greg:Sympathy. People give you things if your parents are weird.

Greg Pikitis's Mother:You told them I was dead?!

Greg Pikitis:Mom, let me explain—

Greg Pikitis's Mother:You had someone PRETEND to be me?! Who does that?!

Greg:That was some impressive detective work, Andy.

Andy:Thanks, Greg. I've been working on my investigative skills.

Andy:Unlike you, who couldn't investigate your way out of a paper bag if it had instructions written on it.

Leslie:Wait, so you're telling me that's actually how you organize your files?

Greg:Works for me.

Leslie:By just... naming everything after a turd?

Greg:I don't know what to tell you, Leslie.

Leslie:That's the worst filing system I've ever heard in my entire life.

Andy Dwyer:Andy, still in character as Bert Macklin FBI, introduces himself to Greg's mom: 'Bert Macklin, FBI.'

Leslie Knope · Dave Sanderson:After the debacle, Leslie: 'Let them think they've lost us. Then we're...' Dave walks away: 'Where are you going?' / Dave: 'I gotta go tell my boss why I illegally detained a teenager.'

Andy Dwyer:Andy, still in character: 'Yeah, it was bad FBI work, too. My bad.'

Dave Sanderson · Ron Swanson:After the party has been saved, Dave to Ron: 'Son. That is one hell of a costume.' Ron: 'Thanks.'

Dave Sanderson · Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope:Dave to Ron about the party: 'Why would anyone do this?' Ron: 'Kids are kids. Everybody does stupid stuff like this in high school.' Leslie: 'I didn't.' Dave: 'Yeah, but you were probably a nerd, though, huh?'

Dave Sanderson:Dave's save attempt: 'Leslie, I mean that in a good way. Look at you now. You're the coolest person I've ever met. I even met John Cougar Mellencamp once.'

Mark Brendanawicz · Leslie Knope:Mark hits on Leslie while they're both at the party. Leslie realizes: 'What? No. I'm dating Ann.' Mark: 'Good. That was a test. You passed.' Leslie: 'Let's celebrate you passing the test, over a drink, at my place.' Mark: 'No. Still no.'

Mark Brendanawicz:Mark, completely undeterred, tries on a third woman: 'So, you wanna get out of here, go back to my place?' — directed at someone new at the party.

Dr. Harris:Dr. Harris spots someone else at the party: 'So, you wanna get out of here, go back to my place?' — immediately trying the same line on a new person

Ron Swanson · Wendy:Wendy tells Ron she wants to thank him for not revealing their green card marriage. Ron: 'I'd hate for you to have to go back to Canada.' Beat. 'All that socialized medicine up there.'

Tom Haverford:Tom explains that he and Wendy plan to divorce soon: 'We'll invite you to the divorce party.'

Dave Sanderson · Leslie Knope:Dave's talking head: 'Huh, maybe Greg is innocent... On the other hand, Greg Pikitis is a little punk. And I kind of wanna TP his house.' Leslie: 'Let's do it.'

Leslie Knope · Dave Sanderson:Leslie and Dave TPing Pikitis's house. Leslie: 'Wait, wait! Wait, wait! This is fun! This is fun! What do I do?' Dave walks her through it, then Leslie: 'This is for Mayor Percy! This is for the Parks Department office! This is for pooping on the handball court!'

Leslie Knope:Leslie, mid-TP rampage: 'Yeah! This is really fun! But I don't condone it!'

Tom Haverford · Mark Brendanawicz:Tom complimenting Mark about Wendy: 'I don't know how you landed that chick, but she's awesome.' Then catching himself: 'Nice work. You're lucky.'

Mark Brendanawicz:Mark says goodbye and announces: 'About to head home and have crazy sex.' Awkward beat. 'That's cool. I don't... Yeah!'

Leslie Knope · Dave Sanderson:Leslie and Dave are caught TPing the house. Someone shouts 'FIVE-O! FIVE-O!' from inside.

Andy Dwyer · Leslie Knope:Andy is inside the Pikitis house watching through the window. Andy and Leslie make eye contact through the window. 'I see you in there, Andy.' 'Leslie? What are you doing?'

Leslie Knope · Mrs. Pikitis:Leslie explains to the actual Mrs. Pikitis that she has the wrong house: '...we were trying to get revenge on this kid, Greg Pikitis, and we thought this was his house, but I guess we got the address wrong.' Mrs. Pikitis: 'I'm Greg's mom.' Leslie: 'You are? ... Did he hire a fake mom again, to get him out of trouble?'

Mrs. Pikitis · Leslie Knope:The real Mrs. Pikitis: 'Whenever he gets in trouble, he goes on Craigslist and hires a woman to play his mother and bail him out.' Leslie: 'Oh, that little SOB!'

Leslie Knope · Dave Sanderson:Greg is not in his room. Dave: 'He's not in his room. I don't know where he is.' Leslie: 'I do.'

Leslie Knope · Greg Pikitis · Andy Dwyer:After catching Greg: 'How did you get into the Parks Department? I have to know.' Greg: 'Maybe the FBI can figure it out.' Andy: 'I'm not even in the FBI, stupid.'

Leslie Knope · Dave Sanderson:Leslie: 'You're going to jail for a very long time.' Dave: 'He's not gonna go to jail, you know. He's a minor.' Leslie: 'Well, we'll let the jury decide.' Dave: 'There's not gonna be a jury...' Leslie: 'Then the judge will decide where he goes.'

Leslie Knope · Dave Sanderson:Dave: 'He's going to do probation, he's a minor.' Leslie: 'Dave, just let me have this.'

Dave Sanderson · Leslie Knope:Dave's talking head: 'Wow. Nice work, Knope.' Leslie: 'Yeah. That is amazing.' Then immediately: 'Thanks. But the thing that's driving me nuts is, how did he do it?'

Leslie Knope:Leslie, at the end: 'The thing that's driving me nuts is, how did he do it? If you destroy him early, please come by.' Then the episode cuts to replaying Leslie's own flashback clue: 'How is someone gonna be able to get through that door?'

Leslie Knope · Dave Sanderson · Andy Dwyer:The final tag: Leslie, Dave, Andy puzzling over how Greg got in. A replay of earlier office footage: 'First of all, we always lock the doors when we leave.' 'And Dave and I tailed Pikitis from the moment he left his house at 7:00 p.m.' 'Does he have a lookalike?' 'Did he have an accomplice?' / 'How did that little turd do it?'