Lil Sebastian

Tom:You know what? I'm going to pitch a game show idea. It's called 'The Surgical Wheel of Destiny.' Contestants spin a giant wheel, and whatever body part it lands on, we perform emergency surgery on them. Live. On television.

Jerry:That's insane.

Tom:Wait, I'm not done. If they survive, they win a cash prize. If they don't survive, their family gets a very nice fruit basket.

Tom:Converting it into static housing defeats the entire purpose of owning a jet

Jean-Ralphio:Getting hit by a car for lawsuit money is the opposite of traditional wealth-building.

Jean-Ralphio:Yeah, so I'm expanding my business. I now offer insurance fraud consulting services.

Jean-Ralphio:I got testimonials and everything. Here, listen to this one: 'Jean-Ralphio helped me fake my own death. Now I'm living in Costa Rica and my wife thinks I'm dead.' Five stars.

Jean-Ralphio:And this one: 'I claimed my car was stolen seventeen times. It's the same car. Jean-Ralphio's a genius.' That's from my mom, but she's very credible.

Tom:I have a very special talent that very few people possess.

Jean-Ralphio:Oh yeah? What is it?

Tom:I can identify any type of leather by smell alone.

Jean-Ralphio:That's stupid. I can eat an entire wheel of cheese in one sitting.

Tom:What does 'Rent-a-Swag' even mean?

Jean-Ralphio:It's simple math, bro. 720 degrees is like going around the world twice, so you rent the swag, you go around the world twice, boom – Rent-a-Swag.

Tom:That's not how degrees work.

Jean-Ralphio:Doesn't matter. The name is sick.

Leslie:Li'l Sebastian, you were the best mini-horse in the whole world!

Everyone:Yeah!

Leslie:We're going to miss you so much!

Everyone:We love you, Li'l Sebastian!

Tom:This is the saddest thing that's ever happened to me.

Ron:He was a real horse. A real American hero.

Ron:When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half-mast, I thought, 'All right. Another bureaucrat ate it.' But then I found out it was Li'I Sebastian. Half-mast is too high. Show some damned respect.

Talking head speaker:For Li'I Sebastian, I imagine it was good fresh oats, a trough of water, and a willing sexual partner. Or non-willing. He was a horse, so I think they had to do it either way.

Ann:Leslie wanted me to tell you that you need to serenade her with a ukulele while doing the worm across the floor.

Ben:I'm not doing that.

Ben:Leslie, there are 47 post-it notes here. Each one has a different reason why you love me. And they're color-coded by category.

Leslie:I know. I ran out of wall space in my office, so I started on the bathroom mirror. Ben, you complete me. You're my soulmate, my best friend, my everything.

Ben:I love you too, but maybe we could express our love in a way that doesn't require industrial-strength adhesive remover?

Ben:We're just holding hands and talking about our feelings. There's nothing wrong with that.

Ann:Oh my God, stop it. You're being so cute and supportive. That's disgusting. Just do something horrible to each other instead.

Leslie:I'm envisioning a sprawling memorial park with multiple tiers, fountains, maybe even a small amphitheater for community gatherings.

Ben:That sounds amazing. What's the budget?

Leslie:Twelve dollars and thirty-seven cents.

Ben:Leslie...

Leslie:We can make it work! We'll just use that as a down payment.

Leslie:Ben, did you get your memo about Li'l Sebastian?

Ben:Yeah, I got it. Very thorough, very official.

Leslie:Did you read all of it?

Ben:Of course. Wait... what is this? 'Ben, you are the Li'l Sebastian to my heart'?

Leslie:Keep reading.

Ben:'Every day with you is a majestic pony ride through the fields of my soul.'

Leslie:That memo was about... municipal efficiency! Yes, a passionate plea for better filing systems.

Tom:Yeah, and Jerry, you know what? You're like a filing cabinet, but instead of organizing documents, you just organize confusion. And disappointment. You're a disappointment cabinet.

Jerry:I... what?

Tom:A walking, talking monument to incompetence. If inefficiency was an Olympic sport, you'd somehow still come in last place.

Tom:Cube butt! Cube butt!

April:Cube butt!

Donna:Cube butt!

Ben:Cube butt!

Leslie:Cube butt!

Ron:Cube butt!

Everyone:Cube butt! Cube butt! Cube butt!

Doctor:Well, the good news is you have tendonitis, not a severed tendon.

Chris:That's good news?

Doctor:I mean, I was just comparing it to something I made up.

Chris:Doctor, I've been experiencing occasional fatigue and I'm worried it might be something serious. Could it be my heart? My lungs? My pancreas?

Doctor:Mr. Traeger, you're in perfect health. You're one of the healthiest patients I've ever seen.

Chris:Perfect health? That's impossible. Nobody's in perfect health. That means I'm about to have a catastrophic medical event. This is the worst day of my life.

Doctor:No, it's actually the best day of your life.

Chris:How is that the best day of my life? I came here expecting answers!

Leslie:You don't understand. Li'l Sebastian was more than just a horse. He was a symbol of Pawnee's spirit, our hopes and dreams.

Ben:Leslie, it was a pony.

Leslie:A pony?! Ben, Li'l Sebastian changed lives.

Ben:I'm sure he was very... small. And horse-like.

Leslie:Jean-Ralphio, you're like a strip club. Fun for a night, but ultimately empty and bad for you.

Jean-Ralphio:Hey!

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Strip clubs have a four-drink minimum and a two-drink maximum. They're very organized establishments with clear boundaries and excellent customer service.

Chris:I just realized that horse died of colic, which is basically just stomach pain. I get stomach pain all the time. I'm basically a horse.

Ann:Well, we should probably run some tests then.

Chris:What kind of tests?

Ann:I don't know, whatever they did for the horse. Maybe we need to put you down.

Chris:Leslie, we need to talk about us. About what's been happening between us.

Leslie:What? There's nothing happening. Nothing at all. I don't know what you're talking about.

Chris:Leslie, come on. I know you feel it too.

Leslie:Feel what? I don't feel anything! I've never felt anything! With anyone! Ever! I've never had sex with anyone in my entire life!

Leslie:I didn't do it! In fact, Chris, YOU did it!

Chris:What? No I didn't!

Leslie:Yes you did, and I have witnesses. Checkmate.

Ron:I found out about you two when I overheard you in the office after hours.

Leslie:Oh God, what did you hear?

Ron:You were having some kind of historical figure roleplay. You were Benjamin Franklin, Ben was Thomas Jefferson, and you were arguing about whether the Constitution should have a clause about waffles.

Ben:In my defense, the Founding Fathers loved breakfast foods.

Leslie:It was educational!

Leslie:Mr. Ambassador, I've been following your voting record on environmental protection...

Ben:Well, I do care deeply about our planet's future.

Leslie:Maybe we could discuss it over dinner? Somewhere private?

Ben:Leslie, is this a conflict of interest?

Leslie:Only if you don't vote yes on my infrastructure bill.

Andy:A horse with no name walked into a bar. The bartender said, 'Why the long face?' The horse said, 'Because I have no name.'

Leslie:That doesn't make sense. Horses can't talk.

Andy:Exactly! That's why he needs to learn!

Andy:We gather here today to celebrate a life well lived, so let me play you a little song I wrote.

Andy:Life is short and then you die, nothing matters in the end, we're all just worm food, my friends.

Andy:Dust to dust and bones to clay, we're all rotting every day, eventually we'll decompose and fade away.

Andy:So cherish the time that you have left before the darkness comes and takes your final breath.

Tom:Jerry, you gotta pick one. We need a ribbon color for the memorial.

Jerry:Well, I'm thinking we go with the Midnight Obsidian.

Tom:That's just black, Jerry.

Jerry:No, no. Or maybe the Ebony Noir?

Tom:Also black.

Jerry:What about Charcoal Shadow?

Tom:Jerry, they're all just different blacks!

Chris:Ann, I need to ask you something really important.

Ann:Oh my god, what is it?

Chris:Do you think my heart rate is elevated? I've been feeling a flutter in my chest all morning.

Ann:Chris, you're fine.

Chris:But what if it's arrhythmia? Or early-onset cardiomyopathy?

Ann:It's just more of his health anxiety, not anything relationship-related.

Leslie:What? No, we were just... Ben was helping me with my... my Fulbright application!

Ben:Yes, that's right. Leslie won a Fulbright scholarship.

Leslie:One of the most prestigious intellectual awards in America.

Ben:We should probably tell people about this.

Leslie Knope:We've gathered here today to celebrate the life of—

Horse:*defecates loudly during ceremony*

Leslie Knope:Well, I think that's what he would have wanted.

Jean-Ralphio:Hope you brought a change of clothes. 'Cause your eyes are about to piss tears. You nasty.

Jean-Ralphio:He doesn't even know what kind of animal Li'l Sebastian was

Andy:I've been working on this song all week. It's gonna blow your minds. It's called 'Tiny Dancer Times Tiny Dancer.'

Andy:She was a bright light in a dark tunnel. A shining beacon of hope that soared like a majestic eagle... riding on the back of a dolphin.

Andy:And when life got her down, she would just take a running leap and fly away like a horse.

Ron:I don't like it. Torches are for people who don't have the confidence to use a regular light switch.

Leslie:Ron, it's just for the opening ceremony.

Ron:A torch is a symbol of weakness. I need to carry something that represents strength and independence. Like a flashlight. A very expensive flashlight.

Ron:I cried once. When I was 7 and my horse died. I cried so hard that I was dehydrated for three days after that. Dated a woman for two years once. Sometime our love was passionate, sometimes it was affectionate. It was wonderful.

Ron:She left me. I was not moved. And I cried when my horse died.

Jerry:I substituted the nitrogen in the fertilizer with helium to make it lighter.

Leslie:Jerry, that's not how chemistry works!

Jerry:Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Leslie:We need to evacuate immediately!

Jerry:I can't tell if Ron's angry or sad. His eyebrows are gone.

Ron:I'm both, Jerry.

Ron:Tom is selfish, arrogant, and a terrible friend. He's also stupid, lazy, and has no real skills or talents whatsoever. He's a burden on this office and a burden on society.

Ron:But... I need him. I don't know why, but I do. Please don't ever leave.

Tammy II:Ron! I heard about your little memorial service. How touching.

Ron Swanson:Tammy.

Tammy II:And Glenn! My two favorite men in one place. You both came to mourn me?

Glenn Dusnick:We're not—

Tammy II:Don't be modest. We all know we were lovers. Both of you. At the same time. It's fine, I'm not mad.

Ron:I would rather have severe burns on my face than spend one more second with Tammy.

Ann:Chris, you have to stop exercising so much. Your tendonitis is getting worse.

Chris:Ann, I only do a thousand push-ups every morning, a five-mile run before work, fifty pull-ups on my lunch break, and then I do CrossFit for three hours after work.

Ann:That's insane!

Chris:Plus on weekends I do Insanity workout videos and then I climb a mountain just for fun.

Ann:Chris, that's not normal exercise. That's a cry for help.

Chris:I've planned a romantic evening for us. I've calculated the optimal route through the park for a moonlit walk that maximizes calorie burn while minimizing joint impact.

Ann:Chris, that's not romantic.

Chris:I've also prepared a low-sodium, high-protein dinner with a precise macronutrient ratio. And I color-coded the evening's schedule for maximum efficiency.

Customer:You charged me $12 for a $5 item.

Andy:Well, you have a weird face.

Donna:Where are you going, Glenn? To pound town?

Glenn:No, I'm taking the express train to deep tunnel station, population: me.

Jean-Ralphio:I hired Tessa because she's got real business acumen, you know? She understands the entrepreneurial spirit.

Tessa:Do I get a company car?

Jean-Ralphio:We haven't even started yet.

Tessa:A Range Rover?

Tom:Why is the petty cash in the toilet bowl?

Jean-Ralphio:Because it's a liquid asset.

Jean-Ralphio:You gotta strike while the iron is hot and plant your seeds in fertile ground, you know what I'm saying? That's how you build a client base.

Jean-Ralphio:First you gotta get your foot in the door, then you climb the ladder, then you're gonna be rolling in it like a dog in mud.

Jean-Ralphio:It's all about the long game mixed with the short con, bro. You just gotta believe in yourself and also commit light fraud.