Lil Sebastian

Tom:You know what? I'm going to pitch a game show idea. It's called 'The Surgical Wheel of Destiny.' Contestants spin a giant wheel, and whatever body part it lands on, we perform emergency surgery on them. Live. On television.

Jerry:That's insane.

Tom:Wait, I'm not done. If they survive, they win a cash prize. If they don't survive, their family gets a very nice fruit basket.

Tom:Converting it into static housing defeats the entire purpose of owning a jet

Jean-Ralphio:Getting hit by a car for lawsuit money is the opposite of traditional wealth-building.

Jean-Ralphio:Yeah, so I'm expanding my business. I now offer insurance fraud consulting services.

Jean-Ralphio:I got testimonials and everything. Here, listen to this one: 'Jean-Ralphio helped me fake my own death. Now I'm living in Costa Rica and my wife thinks I'm dead.' Five stars.

Jean-Ralphio:And this one: 'I claimed my car was stolen seventeen times. It's the same car. Jean-Ralphio's a genius.' That's from my mom, but she's very credible.

Tom:I have a very special talent that very few people possess.

Jean-Ralphio:Oh yeah? What is it?

Tom:I can identify any type of leather by smell alone.

Jean-Ralphio:That's stupid. I can eat an entire wheel of cheese in one sitting.

Tom:What does 'Rent-a-Swag' even mean?

Jean-Ralphio:It's simple math, bro. 720 degrees is like going around the world twice, so you rent the swag, you go around the world twice, boom – Rent-a-Swag.

Tom:That's not how degrees work.

Jean-Ralphio:Doesn't matter. The name is sick.

Leslie:Li'l Sebastian, you were the best mini-horse in the whole world!

Everyone:Yeah!

Leslie:We're going to miss you so much!

Everyone:We love you, Li'l Sebastian!

Tom:This is the saddest thing that's ever happened to me.

Ron:He was a real horse. A real American hero.

Leslie:Leslie announces Li'l Sebastian's death and adds that in heaven he's doing 'the two things he loves doing the most: eating carrots and urinating freely'

Ron:Ron talking-head: 'When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half-mast, I thought: All right. Another bureaucrat ate it. But then I found out it was Li'l Sebastian. Half-mast is too high. Show some damned respect.'

Ann:Leslie wanted me to tell you that you need to serenade her with a ukulele while doing the worm across the floor.

Ben:I'm not doing that.

Ben:Leslie, there are 47 post-it notes here. Each one has a different reason why you love me. And they're color-coded by category.

Leslie:I know. I ran out of wall space in my office, so I started on the bathroom mirror. Ben, you complete me. You're my soulmate, my best friend, my everything.

Ben:I love you too, but maybe we could express our love in a way that doesn't require industrial-strength adhesive remover?

Ben:We're just holding hands and talking about our feelings. There's nothing wrong with that.

Ann:Oh my God, stop it. You're being so cute and supportive. That's disgusting. Just do something horrible to each other instead.

Leslie:I'm envisioning a sprawling memorial park with multiple tiers, fountains, maybe even a small amphitheater for community gatherings.

Ben:That sounds amazing. What's the budget?

Leslie:Twelve dollars and thirty-seven cents.

Ben:Leslie...

Leslie:We can make it work! We'll just use that as a down payment.

Leslie:Ben, did you get your memo about Li'l Sebastian?

Ben:Yeah, I got it. Very thorough, very official.

Leslie:Did you read all of it?

Ben:Of course. Wait... what is this? 'Ben, you are the Li'l Sebastian to my heart'?

Leslie:Keep reading.

Ben:'Every day with you is a majestic pony ride through the fields of my soul.'

Leslie:That memo was about... municipal efficiency! Yes, a passionate plea for better filing systems.

Tom:Yeah, and Jerry, you know what? You're like a filing cabinet, but instead of organizing documents, you just organize confusion. And disappointment. You're a disappointment cabinet.

Jerry:I... what?

Tom:A walking, talking monument to incompetence. If inefficiency was an Olympic sport, you'd somehow still come in last place.

Tom:Cube butt! Cube butt!

April:Cube butt!

Donna:Cube butt!

Ben:Cube butt!

Leslie:Cube butt!

Ron:Cube butt!

Everyone:Cube butt! Cube butt! Cube butt!

Doctor:Well, the good news is you have tendonitis, not a severed tendon.

Chris:That's good news?

Doctor:I mean, I was just comparing it to something I made up.

Chris:Doctor, I've been experiencing occasional fatigue and I'm worried it might be something serious. Could it be my heart? My lungs? My pancreas?

Doctor:Mr. Traeger, you're in perfect health. You're one of the healthiest patients I've ever seen.

Chris:Perfect health? That's impossible. Nobody's in perfect health. That means I'm about to have a catastrophic medical event. This is the worst day of my life.

Doctor:No, it's actually the best day of your life.

Chris:How is that the best day of my life? I came here expecting answers!

Leslie:You don't understand. Li'l Sebastian was more than just a horse. He was a symbol of Pawnee's spirit, our hopes and dreams.

Ben:Leslie, it was a pony.

Leslie:A pony?! Ben, Li'l Sebastian changed lives.

Ben:I'm sure he was very... small. And horse-like.

Leslie:Jean-Ralphio, you're like a strip club. Fun for a night, but ultimately empty and bad for you.

Jean-Ralphio:Hey!

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Strip clubs have a four-drink minimum and a two-drink maximum. They're very organized establishments with clear boundaries and excellent customer service.

Chris:I just realized that horse died of colic, which is basically just stomach pain. I get stomach pain all the time. I'm basically a horse.

Ann:Well, we should probably run some tests then.

Chris:What kind of tests?

Ann:I don't know, whatever they did for the horse. Maybe we need to put you down.

Chris:Leslie, we need to talk about us. About what's been happening between us.

Leslie:What? There's nothing happening. Nothing at all. I don't know what you're talking about.

Chris:Leslie, come on. I know you feel it too.

Leslie:Feel what? I don't feel anything! I've never felt anything! With anyone! Ever! I've never had sex with anyone in my entire life!

Leslie:I didn't do it! In fact, Chris, YOU did it!

Chris:What? No I didn't!

Leslie:Yes you did, and I have witnesses. Checkmate.

Ron:I found out about you two when I overheard you in the office after hours.

Leslie:Oh God, what did you hear?

Ron:You were having some kind of historical figure roleplay. You were Benjamin Franklin, Ben was Thomas Jefferson, and you were arguing about whether the Constitution should have a clause about waffles.

Ben:In my defense, the Founding Fathers loved breakfast foods.

Leslie:It was educational!

Leslie:Mr. Ambassador, I've been following your voting record on environmental protection...

Ben:Well, I do care deeply about our planet's future.

Leslie:Maybe we could discuss it over dinner? Somewhere private?

Ben:Leslie, is this a conflict of interest?

Leslie:Only if you don't vote yes on my infrastructure bill.

Andy:A horse with no name walked into a bar. The bartender said, 'Why the long face?' The horse said, 'Because I have no name.'

Leslie:That doesn't make sense. Horses can't talk.

Andy:Exactly! That's why he needs to learn!

Andy:We gather here today to celebrate a life well lived, so let me play you a little song I wrote.

Andy:Life is short and then you die, nothing matters in the end, we're all just worm food, my friends.

Andy:Dust to dust and bones to clay, we're all rotting every day, eventually we'll decompose and fade away.

Andy:So cherish the time that you have left before the darkness comes and takes your final breath.

Tom:Jerry, you gotta pick one. We need a ribbon color for the memorial.

Jerry:Well, I'm thinking we go with the Midnight Obsidian.

Tom:That's just black, Jerry.

Jerry:No, no. Or maybe the Ebony Noir?

Tom:Also black.

Jerry:What about Charcoal Shadow?

Tom:Jerry, they're all just different blacks!

Chris:Ann, I need to ask you something really important.

Ann:Oh my god, what is it?

Chris:Do you think my heart rate is elevated? I've been feeling a flutter in my chest all morning.

Ann:Chris, you're fine.

Chris:But what if it's arrhythmia? Or early-onset cardiomyopathy?

Ann:It's just more of his health anxiety, not anything relationship-related.

Leslie:What? No, we were just... Ben was helping me with my... my Fulbright application!

Ben:Yes, that's right. Leslie won a Fulbright scholarship.

Leslie:One of the most prestigious intellectual awards in America.

Ben:We should probably tell people about this.

Leslie Knope:We've gathered here today to celebrate the life of—

Horse:*defecates loudly during ceremony*

Leslie Knope:Well, I think that's what he would have wanted.

Leslie · Chris:Chris appears behind Leslie and asks 'How long have you been sleeping with Ben?' — Leslie panics and says 'I've never had sex with anyone anywhere... You have the nerve, the audacity... Ben is my boss, technically. And he is terrible, facewise.'

Jean-Ralphio:He doesn't even know what kind of animal Li'l Sebastian was

Andy:I've been working on this song all week. It's gonna blow your minds. It's called 'Tiny Dancer Times Tiny Dancer.'

Andy:She was a bright light in a dark tunnel. A shining beacon of hope that soared like a majestic eagle... riding on the back of a dolphin.

Andy:And when life got her down, she would just take a running leap and fly away like a horse.

Ron:I don't like it. Torches are for people who don't have the confidence to use a regular light switch.

Leslie:Ron, it's just for the opening ceremony.

Ron:A torch is a symbol of weakness. I need to carry something that represents strength and independence. Like a flashlight. A very expensive flashlight.

Ron:I cried once. When I was 7 and my horse died. I cried so hard that I was dehydrated for three days after that. Dated a woman for two years once. Sometime our love was passionate, sometimes it was affectionate. It was wonderful.

Ron:She left me. I was not moved. And I cried when my horse died.

Jerry:I substituted the nitrogen in the fertilizer with helium to make it lighter.

Leslie:Jerry, that's not how chemistry works!

Jerry:Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Leslie:We need to evacuate immediately!

Jerry:I can't tell if Ron's angry or sad. His eyebrows are gone.

Ron:I'm both, Jerry.

Ron:Tom is selfish, arrogant, and a terrible friend. He's also stupid, lazy, and has no real skills or talents whatsoever. He's a burden on this office and a burden on society.

Ron:But... I need him. I don't know why, but I do. Please don't ever leave.

Tammy II:Ron! I heard about your little memorial service. How touching.

Ron Swanson:Tammy.

Tammy II:And Glenn! My two favorite men in one place. You both came to mourn me?

Glenn Dusnick:We're not—

Tammy II:Don't be modest. We all know we were lovers. Both of you. At the same time. It's fine, I'm not mad.

Ron:I would rather have severe burns on my face than spend one more second with Tammy.

Ann:Chris, you have to stop exercising so much. Your tendonitis is getting worse.

Chris:Ann, I only do a thousand push-ups every morning, a five-mile run before work, fifty pull-ups on my lunch break, and then I do CrossFit for three hours after work.

Ann:That's insane!

Chris:Plus on weekends I do Insanity workout videos and then I climb a mountain just for fun.

Ann:Chris, that's not normal exercise. That's a cry for help.

Chris:I've planned a romantic evening for us. I've calculated the optimal route through the park for a moonlit walk that maximizes calorie burn while minimizing joint impact.

Ann:Chris, that's not romantic.

Chris:I've also prepared a low-sodium, high-protein dinner with a precise macronutrient ratio. And I color-coded the evening's schedule for maximum efficiency.

Customer:You charged me $12 for a $5 item.

Andy:Well, you have a weird face.

Donna:Where are you going, Glenn? To pound town?

Glenn:No, I'm taking the express train to deep tunnel station, population: me.

Jean-Ralphio:I hired Tessa because she's got real business acumen, you know? She understands the entrepreneurial spirit.

Tessa:Do I get a company car?

Jean-Ralphio:We haven't even started yet.

Tessa:A Range Rover?

Tom:Why is the petty cash in the toilet bowl?

Jean-Ralphio:Because it's a liquid asset.

Jean-Ralphio:You gotta strike while the iron is hot and plant your seeds in fertile ground, you know what I'm saying? That's how you build a client base.

Jean-Ralphio:First you gotta get your foot in the door, then you climb the ladder, then you're gonna be rolling in it like a dog in mud.

Jean-Ralphio:It's all about the long game mixed with the short con, bro. You just gotta believe in yourself and also commit light fraud.

Leslie · Ben · Chris:Ben tells Chris to 'take the rest of the day off... get a massage.' Leslie adds: 'I have a gift certificate, actually. My mom gave it to me for you.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben calls Chris 'George' when saying goodbye, having forgotten Chris's name in the moment — Leslie says 'Yes' and both thank 'George'

Jean-Ralphio:'Not only was Coconut a friend, but she was also a lover. Our deepest sympathy is with you.' Then: 'Coconut just took a dump on the stage. We gotta clean that up. Code red. Coconut just took a dump onstage.'

Jerry · Leslie:Jerry refuses to get propane: 'No, what about my poem?' Leslie: 'No one wants you to read a poem, okay, Jerry? What everyone wants — what Li'l Sebastian wants — is for you to get propane.' Jerry: 'Fine. I'll do it for Li'l Sebastian.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio's intro to the Entertainment 7Twenty video presentation: 'Hope you brought a change of clothes. 'Cause your eyes are about to piss tears. You nasty.'

Jean-Ralphio:The memorial video montage poses deep philosophical questions — 'Who are we? Where are we going in life? What is the meaning of all of this?' — and answers: 'These are questions Li'l Sebastian never had to answer because he was a horse.'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Tom pitching the company to Jean-Ralphio while the memorial video plays: 'I'm the bank. You're the money.' Jean-Ralphio: 'I'm Thelma, you're Louise. You can't die full of regret.' Tom: 'Why don't you live your life like that cow from the video?' Jean-Ralphio: 'He was a horse.'

Andy:Andy announces his song: 'What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the wind? This song is called 5,000 Candles in the Wind.'

Andy:Andy performs '5,000 Candles in the Wind' — a genuinely heartfelt song about Li'l Sebastian going to heaven, trading legs for angel wings and taking 'a running leap' to fly

Leslie · Ben:Leslie discovers the ceremony assignments have completely cascaded: Perd Hapley is unveiling the memorial stone because Joe from sewage had to hand out armbands, and Perd had to fill in for Mortenson, and Mortenson had to fill in for Howser. And Donna is reading Jerry's Italian poem.

Ron · Leslie:Ron furiously confronts Leslie: 'What the hell, Leslie? I thought I was supposed to lay the ceremonial wreath. Why is Councilman Howser doing it?' Leslie: 'Because you are doing something better. You are lighting the memorial flame, which is the greatest honor of all.' Ron: 'Oh, my God. Ron, congratulations. I saved it for you, Ron.'

Ron:Ron: 'I think if you would know one thing about me, it would be that I prefer laying wreaths to lighting torches.'

Ron:Ron talking-head: 'I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven, and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed.'

Jerry · Tom · Leslie:Jerry puts lighter fluid instead of propane in the eternal flame, causing a massive fireball that burns off Ron's eyebrows. Tom and Leslie, terrified, immediately say: 'We planned that! Wow, wow!' / 'We planned that. Yay!'

Leslie:After the fireball, Leslie yells 'We planned that! Wow, wow!' as cover. Then again: 'We planned that.'

Leslie · Ron · Jerry:Leslie apologizes to Ron: 'I guess I put too much fuel in the torch.' Ron: 'Oh, I don't know, Jerry. I think you're being hard on yourself.' Leslie: 'Ron, are you mad at me? 'Cause without eyebrows, I can't really tell.'

Ron:Ron's talking-head: 'Ron Swanson loves his facial hair. And we burned it off.' — referring to himself in the third person with devastated finality

Ron:Ron to Tom: 'You have no interest in government work, and you slow everything down with your selfish attitude. I'd love for you to stick around, Tommy. It'll be damn hard to replace you.'

Tammy One:Tammy One appears and says: 'Two of my lovers in one place. What a coincidence.'

Tammy One:Tammy One about Ron's burned face: 'Ooh, what happened here? And more importantly, does the carpet match the face?'

Ron:Ron to Tammy One: 'If you're looking for trouble, take it somewhere else. An hour ago, a giant fireball consumed my entire face. And it was far preferable to spending another second with you.'

Tammy One · Ron:Tammy One: 'Tell that to your pants-tent.' Ron: 'It's just the way I'm standing.'

Chris · Ann:Chris and Ann bond over his tendonitis: Ann: 'You need to relax. You're in great shape. For a 44-year-old.' Chris: 'Yeah. That's how old you are, man.'

Chris · Ann:Chris: 'I don't like thinking about death. Death is the opposite of...' Ann: 'Being alive?' Chris: 'Exactly.'

Chris · Ann:Chris and Ann declare themselves friends: 'What the hell. Friends.' / 'Ann Perkins.' / 'Chris Traeger.' Chris then says: 'What's the point in doing 10,000 push-ups if you're gonna do them alone? I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a wonderful woman. Sitting on my back to increase my resistance.'

Andy · Audience Member:Andy sells CDs after the memorial: '18 bucks each, $40 for the set.' Audience member: 'That doesn't add up.' Andy: 'You don't add up.'

Andy · April:Andy proposes to April: 'April, I need to ask you something, and it's the biggest thing I've ever asked anybody in my entire life.' April: 'Honey, we're already married.' Andy: 'No, this is way more important than that.' Asks her to be his manager.

Leslie · William Barnes:Leslie meets the political recruiters — confirms she's the one responsible for the Harvest Festival and the fireball ('I'm glad. 'Cause it was planned.') — then is asked about running for city council or mayor.

Leslie:Leslie responds to being asked if she's interested in running for office with: 'Absotootly, I am. Very sorry that I just used that word. But yes.'

Tammy One:Tammy One: 'Actually, I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station.'

Donna:Donna: 'Red alert, Swanson. Your ex-wife is back. Not her. The other ex-wife. Tammy One. She's in your office.'

Leslie · William Barnes:Leslie is asked by the political recruiter: 'Is there a scandal out there? Is there anything at all you need to tell us about your life?' Long pause. Leslie: 'Nope.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio talking-head: 'Yeah, I think we can do that for a million. Okay, we'll talk soon.' Then: 'There was no one on the other end of that phone call, but soon there will be.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio tours the Entertainment 7Twenty office (a.k.a. 'the Dreamatorium'): 'We got a pool table, a ping-pong table, a lounge area, a couch with a ceiling on it, in-house DJ — DJ Blunt — and best of all, former NBA superstar Detlef Schrempf is on retainer.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio: '[Tessa] is our new assistant. I saw her sweating real sexy on the StairMaster at Bally's.'

Jean-Ralphio · Tessa:Tessa (the new assistant): 'I need petty cash. My iPhone cover's gross and I need to get a new one.' Jean-Ralphio: 'Get it to match your personality.' Then: 'Why do we keep our petty cash in a clear plastic toilet bowl?' Jean-Ralphio: 'I don't know, maybe 'cause we're... FLUSH with cash!'

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Detlef Schrempf:Tom points out the company has a lot of overhead and suggests 'scaling back a bit and focusing on building your client base.' Jean-Ralphio: 'Thanks a lot, Forbes magazine. But we didn't hire you to give us business advice. We hired you to look pretty and shoot baskets. So why don't you head over there and do your thing? We want people to see you when they come in, Detlef.'

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Detlef Schrempf:Jean-Ralphio: 'First you set up the pond, then you reel in the fish. Big D, hit me!' — Detlef Schrempf passes him a basketball; Jean-Ralphio and Tom catch the ball, celebrate, yell 'We're living the dream.'