Andy Dwyer

Andy:Andy: 'I just finished up a gig with my band Three Skin, formerly Four Skin, but our bassist left for personal reasons.'

Andy:Andy explains he fell in the pit because he saw a toaster and thought 'Maybe I should get that.'

Andy · Shauna:Shauna: 'Why would you want a toaster that's lying at the bottom of the pit?' Andy: 'I don't know. I was pretty wasted.'

Ann · Andy:Ann: 'Wait. You were drunk?' Andy: 'Oh, yeah. Totally.' Ann: 'You knew that.' Andy: 'I didn't know that, no.' Ann: 'You should've told me, because we gave you anesthesia at the hospital.'

Andy:Andy: 'I was probably not thinking 'cause I had two broken femurs and I was blackout drunk.'

Andy:Andy to Ann: 'Like you're perfect. You're on the pill. You drink all the time. You're allowed to do that.'

Andy · Ann:Group reaction: 'Called it. I called that.' / 'He did, actually. He totally called that.' (Andy about Mark and Shauna)

Andy:Andy: 'He was probably thinking with the head of his wiener instead of the head of his brain.'

Andy:Andy: 'I bet he didn't use a condom.'

Andy:After an elaborate ceremonial reinstatement with excessive 'thank you's, Andy in the background: 'Man, that dude has stuck it in some crazy chicks.'

Andy:Your boobs are dead.

Andy · Tom:Hey, my iPod! / Oh, yeah! My pirate!

Andy · Everyone:Andy immediately falls when he tries to walk for the first time

Ann · Andy:He's been writing all these songs about things that are physically near him. / Sandwich! Are you turkey or ham? / Ham.

Andy:Lamp! Wish you were a lamp that would light up when you get touched

Leslie · Andy:What kind of music does your band play? / You know, I don't really like to define it, but it's like Matchbox Twenty meets The Fray. / So, rock. / Well, again, I don't really like to define it.

Andy:The band name list: Teddy Bear Suicide, Mouse Rat, God Hates Figs, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames, Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes with Orange, Everything Rhymes with Orange, Punch Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Penis Pendulum, Hand Rail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Three Skin, Jet Black Pope...

Andy:God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud, I kind of hate it.

Andy · Ann:Babe, hey. We're just about to start. Could you grab me a triple whiskey water? / You would like that, wouldn't you? / Yep. / You have two perfectly good legs. Get it yourself.

Andy:Pit! I fell in it, the pit / You fell in it, the pit / We all fell in it, the pit

Andy:Thank you very much, everybody! We are Scarecrow Boat! No! Screw it! We are Mouse Rat! Thank you very much! Good night!

Andy:I have no idea why Ann is upset with me. But I do know she's too nice to yell at me in front of all these people. So, I am not leaving this bar.

Andy · Others:Hey, who wants to see me climb a tree? / I do! / I do!

Ann · Andy:I waited on you hand and foot. / And it was exhausting! / I fed you meals, and you could've had your casts off two weeks ago! / That is not true. / It's not true? / So you're calling Dr. Harris a liar?

Andy:Could I have gotten my casts off two weeks ago? Technically, yes. But... I really, really like it when you serve me food.

Andy:Hey, babe! Baby, open up! That guy Mark just fell in the pit! You know that guy Mark? Yeah. He just fell in the pit! You gotta go check it out. You're a nurse. I think he'd probably be hurt.

Andy:The episode ends with Andy's 'The Pit' song playing over Mark being carried out of the pit on a stretcher

Andy:Andy's reappearance: wearing a suit, claiming to have 'matured a lot': 'Yeah, the monkey suit. Cost 3,000 bucks, but totally worth it. I sold out! I got a boring office job in town.'

Andy:Andy's apology speech: '...and darn it if I don't just miss you, and... I love you, and I'm just really sorry for the way that I treated you. I was the worst boyfriend ever, I know that, and I really think it would behoove us to give it another shot.'

Andy:After Ann rejects him, Andy immediately says: 'Okay. Say no more. Listen, hit me up on my cell phone. I'll be around.'

Andy:Andy's talking head from what is apparently a pit: 'And the hardest part about living in this pit is probably keeping my suit pressed. / And the rats. It's like a freaking rat parade every night.'

Andy:Andy: 'I just want to be close to her house, because I need to protect her. 'Cause there are some weird people that live around here.'

Andy · Leslie · Tom:Andy is revealed to be living in the pit — 'For now, yeah. It's awesome.'

Andy:Andy: 'Somebody planted a garden down there with fruits and vegetables, so I'm getting a lot of vitamins.'

Andy:Andy: 'Yeah, and someone planted a whole mess of weed next to the tomatoes. Don't look at me. There's weed down there? I thought that was the tops of carrots.'

Andy:Andy agrees to help with the stakeout: 'I'm supposed to have a rock fight with this crazy guy. He's like 20 minutes late. All right. Let's do it.'

Andy:Reaction beat: camera finds Andy living in the pit — shown as a home with a bed, possibly belongings.

Andy:Andy tells Tom and Leslie: 'Man, oh, man. So how's Ann? She's doing good? I miss her so much, it's ridiculous.'

Andy · Leslie:Andy enthusiastically eats the candy necklace in one go: 'Oh, my God!' / Leslie: 'You know there's a string in there.' / Andy: 'Not in this one.' / [He begins bouncing off the walls from the sugar rush]

Andy · Ron:Andy, coming down from the sugar rush: 'I'm in.' / Ron, from offscreen: 'Bring me back two cheeseburgers and a green tea.'

Andy:Andy: 'I just like being nearby. That way if she wants me back, I could be at her house in two seconds, before she changes her mind.'

Andy · Leslie:Leslie accidentally reveals Ann is dating someone: 'Is she? / What? / Is she dating somebody else? / What? / She's dating somebody else? / I didn't say that. / Who is she dating? / Nobody. Mark.'

Andy · Officer Dave:Andy, when the marijuana has disappeared from the garden: 'So where's that marijuana at?' / Officer Dave: 'It's down in the garden.' / Dave: 'Good meeting you, man. Should grab a drink sometime.'

Andy · Mark:Andy has hooked the toilet up to Ann's shower — visual/physical comedy of wrong plumbing

Ann · Andy:Ann discovers Andy is living in a tent in the pit outside her house

Andy:Andy: 'I have been trying really hard not to bother you. When you had that barbecue, I didn't come up, even though it smelled so good.'

Andy:Ann's nurse date: 'I don't know about you, Mark, but I've seen a ton of porn, and I know what fixing your shower means.'

Andy:Andy to Mark and Ann: 'Sorry, you are on a date. That's cool. No, it's all right. Don't let me interrupt your date. Dig in.'

Andy:Andy: 'I already ate. I'm super full. I don't... I didn't want any.'

Andy:Andy reflects that Mark 'used to be the stranger in the house. And now it's me.' — completely missing the social horror of his situation

Andy:Andy says goodbye to Ann, reassuring her: 'Just don't worry about me, Ann. Okay? I'll be fine.' — then confessional shows him walking back into his pit with manufactured optimism

Andy:Andy's confessional after the dinner: 'That went really well! We had dinner, I got to see her. Oh God, I was so tempted to look back at her. Was she looking? I had to walk so slow. A good day.'

Andy · Ann:Thought I'd give back to those less fortunate than myself. You live in a pit. Not anymore. Living with the drummer of my band. Living indoors. Pretty cool. Not to brag. Kinda hard not to.

Andy:Me and an old Asian lady are double-teaming some monkey bars, so.

Andy:What the ***? I'm okay.

Andy:That beeping was sure annoying, but this is even more annoying.

Ann · Andy:The monitor is not a toy, Andy. Anything is a toy if you play with it.

Andy:I moved out. I had to go back 'cause I forgot my headphones. And I laid down on this really comfy tarp. I saw an old cereal box I hadn't read before, so I must've drifted off. Next thing you know... dirt.

Andy · Ann:It's like I'm lying on a cloud. This is awesome. Ann and Andy, just like old times. The pit works in mysterious ways.

Andy:My God, my sexy sweater! It has a hole cut out over the bicep.

Ann · Andy:What do you... what do you think is happening right now? A tragic accident... reignited feelings you thought were long dead and we are finally back together.

Andy · Ann:Baby, I'm back. Thank you so... Why are you naked? Because of what you said, we're getting back together.

Andy · Ann:You should've heard the sexy stuff she said. I said 'hey, Andy, it's Ann, can we talk at my house?' That's not how you said it, you were like, 'Hey, Andy, it's Ann, can you talk at my house?'

Andy:Is she gone?

Andy:None of your clothes fit me, so I'm putting an apron over the front stuff.

Andy · Leslie:I want Ann back, and she said she needs a guy with a lot of money. That doesn't sound like Ann. I can't really do her voice.

Andy:Sometimes I think the right thing to do is to not take shortcuts. I tried to fill in the pit. That didn't work either. Fine. I'll get a job. Ann will respect that. I can make six bucks a day playing guitar in the street. I can't make six bucks a day.

Andy · Ron:A guaranteed starting spot on the Indianapolis Colts... inside linebacker. We can't accomplish that.

Andy:I've already been injured in that thing twice. And I can fall in ten more times by 'eventually'. Every time I walk past that pit, I'm forced to relive the most traumatic two separate days of my life and wanna sue you again.

Andy · Mark:Andy's excuse for slow business: 'It is definitely due to... the economy.' Mark: 'I've been hearing a lot of people say that a lot, about a lot of stuff.'

Mark · Andy:Mark to Andy: 'I think you're a cool dude too. I like you as well. But I'm still in love with Ann. I couldn't have been more upfront about that.'

Andy · Customer:You, my friend, are ready to go dancing. / Thank you, sir.

Andy:That was neat.

Andy:Never understood the term elbow grease. I guess it's not really grease. Just hard work.

Andy · Customer:Actually, it looks like I scuffed this one. / Do you need your money back? 'Cause I already spent it. / Really? How did... / Never mind. / I think I'll just take another full polish.

Andy:Can I cut in line again?

Andy:I feel right at home as a shoeshine. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know I'm doing it really, really well.

Andy · Ron:Third time, today. [In reference to Andy getting a shoe shine, apparently from himself or a satisfied customer]

Andy · Mark (implied):What the ****, man? / I don't know what happened. Frankly. I emitted a noise. The noise was involuntary. / Sometimes a sound is just a sound, you know?

Mark/Ben · Andy:You know the thing? / The other day? / Other day... Other day... / Yesterday? / I am... That was... I'm okay. You know, I'd be okay if we... If we never mentioned it again. / Never mentioned what? / The moan. The weird moan you made that was super-weird? Do you not remember that? I talked about it with the lady who went after for half an hour. She said she thought it was an animal...

Mark/Ben · Andy:Let's just not talk about it anymore. / That's what I was trying to say. / But, yeah... Okay. / Good job.

Andy:Andy giving unsolicited piggyback rides through the office, screaming 'Piggyback! Piggyback! Move!'

Leslie · Andy · Councilman Howser:Leslie yelling 'Giddyup!' while riding Andy's back past Councilman Howser mid-pitch

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'They didn't answer, obviously.'

April · Andy:The 'bad acting' scene — April and Andy practicing dramatic one-liners to explain the shooting

Andy:Andy trying to tell a story involving a squirrel taking nuts from a kid's backpack — but needing to spit tobacco first and struggling to get a reason to spit

Andy · Chris/Ben:Andy suggesting he give the jealous character a hickey to make Ann jealous — and explaining 'What's weird about one friend sucking on another friend's neck?'

Andy:Andy explaining he gave his 'gay boyfriend's boyfriend' a hickey to make his gay boyfriend jealous — and it worked

Andy:Andy's gay boyfriend story: 'I gave my gay boyfriend's boyfriend a hickey, and it totally made my gay boyfriend jealous. Really?'

Andy:Hey, Mark. The shoeshine stand still doesn't have that syphilis medication you were asking about.

Andy:Also, Mark, again, we don't have those extra-small condoms you ordered. I called the factory. It's gonna take a special order. Not just because of the size, but because of the weird shape as well. Something they've never dealt with before.

Andy:Every day I subtly chip away at their relationship, weakening it little by little. (Andy's confessional)

Andy:How to hustle somebody in pool by Andy Dwyer. Step 1, find the person you want to hustle. Invite them to play pool. Should they accept, you're in.

Andy · Mark:Finally settle that debate about who's the better pool player. / I've never had that debate with anyone.

Andy:Step two, lose to your opponent intentionally, so they gain confidence. Step two has been completed. Easily. Very easily. Mark is pretty good at pool.

Andy:Mark is way better than me. I'm gonna say that there is at least a chance that I didn't think this through completely.

Andy:A t-shirt I tackled Eddie Vedder in. It's literally priceless.

Andy · Mark:So if I win, I also get Ann. / Okay, fine. If you win, then you get Ann.

Andy:Ann, in case I don't sink this, it's been a real pleasure dating you. (Andy's pre-game goodbye before the decisive pool shot)

Andy:Scratch on the eight! I'm victorious. I'm awesome at pool, and I hustled your ass.

Andy · Mark · Mark:Take a moment to say good-bye. I don't even know how to say this. I am so sorry, and I will do my best to visit you on holidays. / Thanks. You tried. / I guess you're his now.

Andy:I know that legally Ann is now mine, but it weirdly doesn't feel that way. (Andy's confessional)

Ann · Andy:I hope I'm not gonna have to explain to you that you don't own me. / Of course not. I never for one second thought that that was for real.

Ann · Andy:If you say 'psych', I'm gonna be really pissed. / You remembered how much I like to say 'psych'.

Ann · Andy:If you say 'psych', I'm gonna be really pissed. / You remembered how much I like to say 'psych'.

Ann · Andy:I thought for a second you were gonna chase after me, but you didn't. / I meant every word I said.

Andy · Leslie:Andy is polishing a bench and asks Leslie if he can come to the party. Leslie invites him — to serve coats and food at $10/hour. Andy: 'My guardian angel!'

Andy:Andy rehearses being Justin, imagining Justin will say he got his coat 'from the king of Africa when we were walking on the Berlin Wall together.' Then: 'Really, Justin? What instruments do you play?'

Andy · Kyle:Andy tells a customer (Kyle) there might be a stain on his ass right before he sits down on the freshly-polished wet bench, then immediately says 'No, no, you're good.'

Andy · Kyle:Hi, Kyle. You know, right before you sat down, I noticed, did you have some kind of stain on your ass, or something? What was that? / What? / No, no, no. You're good.

Andy:Andy promises not to spit in anyone's food 'unless they should request that I do.'

April · Andy:April considers putting gum in Justin's coat pockets. Andy declines out of loyalty to Leslie. April: 'I'll do it when you're not in the room then.' Andy: 'That would be terrible.' April: 'I'm being sarcastic. That would be awesome.'

Andy:Andy's sarcasm clarification: 'I'm being sarcastic. That would be awesome.'

Andy:Andy cuts off a young-looking guest who wants a drink: 'You're underage. I could lose my liquor license, I'm sorry.'

Andy:Andy: 'I'm sorry. But I don't know what you're talking about. Why don't you ask your new best friend, Justin?' — then reveals he put gum in Justin's coat, calling it 'unbetrayed'

Andy · Ron:Andy reveals someone put gum in Justin's coat pockets. 'But he's probably too busy cleaning gum out of his coat pockets.' Ron: 'Wow. Unbetrayed.'

Andy:Andy's talking-head explaining 'shoeshine head' — when you shine too many shoes and 'the fumes create a thunderstorm in your brain'

Andy:Cures for 'shoeshine head' include coffee, cheeseburgers, and napping on the floor

Andy · Leslie:Andy immediately tackles the possum before any plan is executed, yelling 'I got it!' as Leslie is mid-sentence laying out the strategy

Harris · Brett · Andy:Animal Control officers lure Andy into their golf ball trap: 'Hey, want your ball back? Come with me.'

Andy · Leslie:The possum ends up on Andy's neck after he catches it; 'It's on my neck! Okay, okay, okay, okay! He's on my neck!'

Leslie · Andy · Harris · Brett:Leslie gives the flanking plan to the Animal Control officers and Andy — then Andy immediately charges before she finishes

Andy:'You're next, Poopy.' — Andy's threat to the raccoon, after catching the possum

Andy · Leslie:'Please, my friends call me Andy Radical.' — 'No, we don't.'

Andy:Andy's self-introduction: 'By day, Andy Dwyer, shoeshine-ist. By a different time of day, Andy Radical, possum tackler. And by night, I do whatever I want. No job.'

Andy · Shauna:Andy introduces himself to reporter Shauna by referencing the article she wrote when he 'fell in the pit' — and then, matter-of-factly: 'And then afterwards, had sex with Mark and everyone talked about it.'

Andy · Shauna:Andy's interview logic: 'When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, Don't think, Andy, act.' / 'So you weren't thinking?' / 'Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.'

Andy:Andy describes his vermin friends from the pit: 'You know what? "Friends" sounds stupid. Colleagues. They are bad at sharing, but they are good at tag.'

Andy · Shauna:Reporter asks what Andy's girlfriend (the nurse) thinks about his heroism; Andy reveals the breakup: 'I broke up with Ann. Shortly after she kicked me out and told me we wouldn't be together anymore.'

Andy · Shauna:Reporter suggests the article might win Ann back; Andy: 'What now?' — long pause — 'I hadn't even thought of that. Wow. Of all the things I thought would bring us back together, catching a possum was never on that list.'

Andy:Andy tells April about his photo shoot: 'I think I nailed it. I fell off the stool once when I was trying to look serious, but I'm okay.'

April · Andy:April to Andy, on waiting for his photos: 'Yeah, that sounds good, but I can't because I have to go do something that actually matters.'

Andy · Tom:Andy arrives with a list of everything he did that might have upset Tom, and also coffee, to apologize

Andy · April:Andy reads the newspaper article where he credited April for 'liquid courage' for tackling the possum — crediting April's coffee as essential to his heroism

Andy:Andy made a list of everything he did to upset April and plans not to do any of them again — and also brought coffee.

Andy:Andy's article quote: he gives credit to April for 'the liquid courage I needed to wrestle that beast to the ground.'

Andy · Ann:Scrotation Marks. / I don't know what you're talking about, but my gut says no. / New band name.

Andy:Because 'Mouse Rat,' it's a great name, but at the same time, it sucks. So I think we have to change it just one more time.

Ann · Andy:How are people going to become fans if they literally don't know the name of the band they're listening to? / That is a really good point.

Andy · Ron:Ron, do you think that maybe I should put Mark in a headlock? That way, I can show everyone how to escape a pervert. / In the scenario you just laid out, you're the pervert. You understand that, right?

Ron · Andy:Ron puts Andy in a hold; Andy tries to escape using his neck and nearly hurts himself

Andy · Ron:Cool. Now, I don't want to hurt you, Ron. / Don't worry about that. Just try to escape my attack. / But just promise me you'll be ready, because I mean, I don't want to destroy you.

Ron · Andy:What is the first move in any fight? / Punch to the balls.

Ron · Andy:Block the opponent's punch and counter-punch to the jaw. / Shoeshine?

Andy:Ann Perkins, in the 'shoe-shouse.'

April · Andy · April:I got you one of those veggie muffins that you're always eating. / Score. / Yeah. It tastes like a rug.

April · Andy:April brings Andy a veggie muffin — character acting completely against type — and Andy declares 'It tastes like a rug'

April · Ann · Andy:Food fight with smoked salmon — 'April threw the smoked salmon on the roof.'

Andy · April:Andy and April spontaneously decide to co-write a picnic song — 'Animal on the head... wait, that's a different song. Life is a picnic...with you.' / 'Then it could be about a girl... or Peyton Manning.'

Andy · April:Andy: 'Hey, maybe I should write a song about a picnic.' April: 'Ooh, where'd you come up with that idea?' Andy: 'The picnic we're having.'

Andy:Old man at picnic: 'I just whizzed on a butterfly.'

Andy:Andy directs the old men for a group photo: 'Come on, get out of your seat, turds.'

Andy · April:Andy and April attempting to get into a bar — April's ID says she's 20; she claims to be 24, then 25

Andy · April:After being denied entry, April awkwardly offers to take Andy to another bar that 'always lets me in' — followed by mutual fumbled excuses to leave separately.

Andy:'Right in Clarence's ancient junk.' — during a food fight at the end

Andy:Andy announces 'Bert Macklin, FBI, on the case' before taking meetings.

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Can I get a badge?'

Andy:April's talking head about Andy: 'April is the best. But she's 20. When April was born, I was already in 3rd grade. Which means if we were friends back then, I'd have been hanging out with a baby. I don't know anything about infant care. My God, I could've killed her.'

Andy · Unknown Citizen:A citizen asks Andy to fix broken swings; Andy responds with a long constipated non-answer sound: 'Eeeeeee-boop!'

Andy · Unknown Citizen:A citizen asks Andy: 'Is this too revealing for a public pool?' while apparently placing their groin near Andy's desk. Andy: 'Kindly get your groin off my desk. So my body makes you uncomfortable too?'

Andy · Ron:Andy to Ron: 'Either you hire her back or I quit.' Ron: 'You don't work for me.' Andy: 'And I never will, sir. Good day.'

Ron · Andy:Andy, take him outside. / What, and shoot him?

Andy:Oh, come on, Ron. I'm just a little puppy. I ain't done nothing wrong. I'm just a puppy.

Andy:I like your mustache. I wish I could have one. But I can't. [pause, cut] Because I'm just a little puppy.

Andy:Andy performs 'Sex Hair' on the telethon. [Extremely inappropriate song title/content for a diabetes charity event]

Andy:Okay, that was the national anthem of Canada. And now, I'm going to see how long I can hold a D chord.

Andy:I work for the Sewage Department. I'm up to my waist in hot snizz. Take a walk. Bye-bye.

Andy · April:Andy wrote a song for April named after a month — April guesses 'April?' and Andy says no, then admits 'That would have been way better'

Andy:Andy offers to rewrite the lyrics to fit the month of April, saying 'Um... Well, whatever. I can rewrite the lyrics.'

Tom · Andy:Tom asks Andy what's the youngest a girl can be 'that if we go out, I'm not a total scumbag'

Tom · Andy:Tom laboriously works out 'half of 29... add seven... that's only 20...' and trails off as he and Andy both arrive at the same answer about April's age

Tom · Andy:Tom asks if he can date someone younger than the formula allows. Andy says: 'Please! You totally can.' Talking head: 'That probably means it isn't okay.'

Andy · April:Andy seeing April in her party dress: 'You look amazing. Do a twirl. This is beautiful.' April refusing each escalation: 'No. No. Don't look at me.'

Andy:Andy offers to get April a drink, catches himself ('wait'), and then brightly declares 'Yeah, I can swing it.' — remembering he's a part-owner of the bar

April · Andy:April orders 'Whiskey. Neat.' and Andy responds 'Wow, you're not messing around.' April: 'No. I'm not.'

Ann · Andy:Ann asks Andy 'Was I a good girlfriend?' / Andy: 'Ann, you were an awesome girlfriend.' / Ann: 'Really?' / Andy: 'Yeah... I mean, I was the screwup.' / Ann: 'Yeah, you were.'

Andy · Lucy:Andy asks the bartender out: 'Hey, uh, would you wanna get a drink tomorrow night?' / Bartender: 'Does it have to be here?' / Andy: 'No.' / Bartender: 'Then sure. I'm Lucy.'

Andy:Closing credits: Andy's song for April is revealed — 'November' — and the song is clearly about April, not November. Final card: 'That song is about April.'

Andy · Ron:Andy's 'Super-straw' invention: a comically oversized straw he presents to Ron with pride.

Andy:'Do I have to tuck my shirt in? Because, honestly, that's kind of a deal breaker.'

Andy:Andy answering Ron's phone: 'Ron Swanson's office.' — then immediately transferring to a dial tone.

Ron · Andy:Ron orders the 'Meat Tornado' burrito after Andy describes it as having 'literally killed a guy last year.' 'You had me at Meat Tornado.'

Ron · Andy:Ron and Andy playing catch in the parking lot — 'Peyton Manning reading the defense! Reggie Wayne, Colts corner!' followed by a car alarm going off.

Ron · Andy:Ron subtly tells Andy that April is in the hospital — 'April's in the hospital, sick with the flu.' / Andy: 'What? I knew it! I didn't know that.'

Andy:Andy visits April in the hospital, promises to stay by her side, then gives up almost immediately: 'You could be asleep for hours. Maybe I'll come back later.'

Andy:Andy's continued monologue to sleeping April: 'And I know you think that I'm a jerk, but I hope you can forgive me. / Gross. Your forehead is all sweaty. That's gross. / But I still like you. Okay. That's disgusting.'

Andy · Chris:Andy's confessional: Ann kissed him, then April kissed him, he told April 'because honesty is important,' and now April has a Venezuelan boyfriend who is 'the handsomest dude I've ever seen. Present company excluded.' 'Oh, thank you.' 'Uh, I was talking about me.'

Andy · Chris:'Present company excluded.' / 'Oh, thank you.' / 'Uh, I was talking about me.'

Andy · Ann:After Chris raves about Andy's shoeshine and leaves without paying, Andy says quietly: 'He didn't... he didn't pay me.'

Ann · Andy:Ann explains Andy isn't her boss, Andy is astonished, then: 'God dang it. I cannot figure out who my boss is.'

Chris · Andy:Chris explains the sports sandals: 'The human foot is the ultimate technology.' Andy: 'Dude, that is the coolest sentence I've ever heard somebody talk.'

Andy · Eduardo:Andy approaches Eduardo in the hallway to make peace, introducing his Mouse Rat CD. Eduardo mentions listening to The Smiths. Andy: 'April's making you listen to that? She's really into that indie stuff. I'm more of a Dave Matthews guy myself.' Eduardo: 'David Matthews! Crash into me!' They enthusiastically bond over it. Andy: 'Nailed it.' (re: Eduardo saying 'gracias' meaning 'thank you')

Andy · Eduardo:Andy apologizes to Eduardo: 'Just because you're dating my soul mate doesn't give me any right to be a jerk to you. I promise from now on I'm just gonna be... super nice to you.'

Andy · Eduardo:Andy arrives at Eduardo's with two microphones, a four-track recorder, and 'every bass tab to Dave Matthews ever.' 'Vamos! We're gonna jam for, like, nine hours. Is that cool?' Eduardo: 'Yeah.' Andy: 'All right.'

Andy · April · Ann:Eduardo has returned to Venezuela. Ann: 'Oh, that sucks.' April: 'He was a really good bassist. I was actually starting to like him.' Andy: 'I know. That's what made me start to hate him.'

Andy:Andy's confessional after Eduardo leaves: 'The nice and band totally worked.'

Andy · Leslie:Andy's intervention speech: 'Ron, I do not really understand what is going on right now. But no matter what...' [long beat] 'you must keep going.' Then immediately: 'No. You must stop. I love you, buddy. Follow your dreams.' Leslie: 'Powerful stuff.'

Andy:When a police officer approaches Andy's van, Andy explains: 'I stole it from a friend of mine. I technically shouldn't be even driving, because my license is crazy expired.'

Andy · April:April's band's album is called 'April Ludgate Is the Best Ever, Volume One'

Andy · April:Andy and April's date night options: watch TV at Burly's, watch TV at April's, or watch TV at Best Buy

Andy:Andy's talking head about what he wants to give April — escalating from flowers to 'different kinds of lubes that warm up when you rub 'em on stuff'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I kind of forgot that you need money when you have a girlfriend.'

Andy · April:Two characters hit each other in the chest with what sounds like toy weapons or a game — 'Ouch, ouch, ouch! Right in the chest, ooh! Ow, ow, ow! Bazooka!'

Andy:Andy yells 'Hey, I love you!' apparently at the carnival, and an off-screen voice yells back 'Dude, shut up!' followed by 'That is awesome sauce!'

Andy:Andy: 'Good idea. Horses love mazes, come on!'

Andy:Andy to April in the corn maze: 'You know how Indians call corn maize? This is why. I never knew that.'

Andy:Andy to April: 'That's what makes the sauce so awesome.'

Andy · April:Andy describes a dinner party as combining 'two of our favorite things — dinner and parties.' April confirms: 'Parties.'

Andy:Andy: 'It's like if you could have an Xbox pancake.'

Ben · Andy:Ben is asked to bring 'Avatar and 50 pairs of 3D glasses and a 3D-capable television' to a dinner party.

Andy:Andy warns everyone about April's creepy friend Orin: 'He's very intense and very weird. So if you end up talking to him, just make sure you don't reveal anything personal about yourself.'

Andy:Andy announcing the secret wedding reveals: 'tonight me and April are getting married...' long pause '...to each other.'

Various · April · Andy:After the wedding announcement, multiple people ask: 'Are you pregnant?' / 'Are you sick? Are you terminal? Is it like that movie A Walk to Remember?' / 'Yes.' / 'What?' / 'No. God.'

Unknown (Leslie, presumably) · April · Andy:'Is it like that movie A Walk to Remember?' / 'Yes.' / 'What?' / 'No. God.'

Andy · April · Unknown (sarcastic responder):'Well, I mean, it's actually a really funny story. We were hanging out. And suddenly, I was like, What if we got married tomorrow? And she was like... Fine.' / 'She's fine.' / 'That is a great story.'

Andy · Ron:Ron on the secret wedding: 'Julia Roberts pulled the same move.' Someone responds 'Is that that toothy girl from Mystic Pizza?'

April · Andy:April's middle name is revealed to be 'Roberta.' She refuses to say it, everyone reacts with mockery, and she says 'Such a loser. Can't believe I'm marrying him.'

Andy · Ron · Chris · Jerry · Ben:Andy asks Ron, Chris, Jerry, Derek, and Ben to all be his best men — having already asked Tom.

Andy · Jerry:Jerry arrives and Andy says: 'Jerry! Ah, I'm so glad you made it. This shirt is hilarious.'

Andy:Andy's wedding announcement speech: 'Attention everybody. Madames and... Mis... Wahs. If you would do me the obligation of having your honor heretofore in the room doth right over there, uh, hence.'

Andy:Andy's vows: 'I vow to protect you from danger. And I don't care if I have to fight an ultimate fighter or a bear or him, your mom... I would take them down.' Then getting worked up: 'I'm getting mad right now even thinking about it.'

Andy · Tom:Tom's best man speech: 'I just want to thank my family, my friends, most importantly, my best best man, Mr. Tom Haverford. Oh! Coolest guy I know.'

Andy · Tom:Andy to Tom during the speech: 'And, ladies, he's single, I think. You're not still married, are you?' Tom: 'No.' Andy: 'But you... you're straight?' Tom: 'Yes.' Andy: 'Jean-Ralphio's just a friend?' Tom: 'Yeah.'

Andy:Andy's speech: 'I cannot emphasize how little we thought about this.'

Andy · Unknown Man:A stranger at the wedding asks about April: 'What's the deal with that hot girl, April? Like, she good to go? Like, she down to clown?' Andy: 'She's married.' Man: 'Got it.' Andy: 'She got married, like, 20 minutes ago.' Man: 'Oh, my God. That's the same girl from the thing.' Andy: 'From the wedding ceremony, yeah.'

Unknown Man · Andy:The stranger's conclusion: 'All the good ones are taken, huh, bro?' Andy (long pause): 'Yeah.'

Andy · April:Honeymoon video: Andy: 'Roberta here turns out sucks at water-skiing so bad.' April: 'I'm gonna divorce you.' Andy: 'Andy sucks at driving a boat. And I'm gonna divorce him, probably right now.'

Andy · April · Ben:Andy confirms April is joking about the no-electricity rule, then April confirms the no-TV-after-breakfast rule, and Andy clarifies she's lying again — 'because it's hard to tell'

Ben · Andy · April:April and Andy's apartment is revealed to be a disaster — described as a total mess despite having just been wed three weeks ago at their wedding which happened in the apartment

April · Andy:April explaining the mess: 'I always think April's gonna clean up. And I never clean up.' / Andy: 'It's cute, right?'

Ben · Andy · April:Ben notices they are 'frying marbles' on the stove

Andy · April:Andy and April explain they were frying marbles to check if the fire alarm worked. 'It doesn't.'

Andy · April · Ben:Andy and April explain they have no dishes because Burly took them all when he moved out; Ben starts to sympathize and Andy says 'Now I bet you feel like a jerk.'

Andy:Andy reveals they already spent Ben's rent money on a new Xbox 360 and 'more Frisbees to eat off of'

Andy · April · Ben:Andy and April wash their clothes in bubble bath: 'Eh, bubble bath, clothes soap, same thing.' / Ben: 'No, it's not.' / April: 'Well, they both make bubbles, so...'

Andy:Andy organizes bills into a pile or stack and puts them in the freezer 'so they won't get lost'

Ben · Andy:Ben opens the freezer to retrieve the bills and finds them there — a visual confirmation of Andy's insane system

Ben · Andy · April:Ben attempts to teach checkbook balancing, then bank account opening — each lesson is visually worse than the last, implying failure with each cut

April · Andy:Andy and April in Bed Bath & Beyond: 'Oh my God, they have a thing that makes sherbet. We need five of those!'

Andy · April:Andy and April find the As-Seen-On-TV section and begin grabbing everything: 'Shake weight, Iron Gym, Miracle Hand Repair, Big Top cookie, Pillow Pet, Slap Chop'

Andy:Andy: 'Get it all. Grab everything that we've seen on TV and put it in this cart right now.' then 'Iron gym — I am gonna get so buff.'

Andy:Andy's speech: 'Yes, we're gonna get a dish rack and shower curtains and a cutting board. But if you think for one second I'm not also gonna get that marshmallow shooter so that I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.'

Ben · Andy · April:Ben asks if they bought plates; Andy and April reveal they didn't; Ben: 'Oh, plates.' — the realization tone implies he forgot plates too

Andy:Andy guesses Ben's secret is that Leslie stole money from him

Andy:Andy's relationship advice: 'If you're anything like us, three weeks from now, you'll be married, my friend.'

Andy · Ron:Andy arrives to shine shoes and notices Ron didn't wear a shirt: 'Ooh, dude, you forgot to put a shirt on. I do it all the time. It's fine.'

Andy:Andy's extended metaphor for his relationship with Ron: 'I love you like a father who's not that much older than me... like a young uncle... or you were my camp counselor but we're adults now... Or actually here's what it is. You're my lacrosse coach.'

Andy:Andy accidentally reveals he's on 'the kidnap squad' for Ron's party immediately after swearing to secrecy

Ron · Tom · April · Andy · Jerry:Ron announces he's everyone's boss and the group laughs it off: 'That's a good one, Ron.'

Andy:Andy answers 'Me!' to which rock star April would sleep with

April · Andy:April's answer is Jeff Mangum from Neutral Milk Hotel — a profound indie obscurity vs. Andy's assumption

Andy · April:Andy: 'Why wouldn't you pick me?' April: 'I don't know. You're not technically a rock star.'

April · Andy:'I've told you that, like, a thousand times.' / 'I don't remember.'

Tom · April · Andy:Tom asks where each couple's 'favorite place to smush' is; April's answer is 'In our bed, I guess'

Andy:Andy and April's argument about Mouse Rat vs. Neutral Milk Hotel escalates: 'Art is supposed to be happy and fun, and everyone knows that.'

Tom · Andy · April:Tom's rigged lightning round: makes up questions designed to reconcile Andy and April, including the mac and cheese question

Andy · April:Andy answers 'Kraft?' for who makes the best mac and cheese in the universe; April said 'Andy'

Andy · April:Andy performing 'The Pit' with Mouse Rat — April's favorite Neutral Milk Hotel song reinterpreted as a Mouse Rat song

Andy:Andy: 'I actually stole it from his office, but whatever. He's a weirdo.'

Andy:Andy's declaration: 'Maybe April doesn't think that we're the greatest band in the world, but, man, she loves me. And I love her. So, you know, who cares. I got the greatest wife in the world! Stop. We're married! We're totally gonna do it later!'

Andy:For three weeks. Then back to shoes.

Andy:I wasn't super paying attention to what you just said that we'll be doing, but I will give 110 percent! Well, as soon as you repeat yourself in a more interesting way.

Andy:Hello, Wall Street. Buy more stocks. Now.

Andy:This phone kind of smells like a butt.

Tom · Andy:Remind me next time to ask her where she was when Lincoln got shot. 'Remind... Tom... Ask... Something.'

Andy:You got it, boss.

Andy:A year ago, I lived in a pit. Now I got a job, and a kickass wife. And my band is so good, and are you gonna eat that pecan square?

Andy:When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that once on a can of lemonade. But I like to think that it applies to life.

Andy:Oh, man, you're really screwing this up. I'm gone for one day and this entire shoe shine stand falls apart. Everything I built. Jump up here. I'll show you how it's done.

Andy:Oh, man, you're really screwing this up. I'm gone for one day and this entire shoe shine stand falls apart. Everything I built.

Andy:See, your problem is you're thinking too much.

Andy · New Shoe Shiner:When I come back here in a few weeks, I don't want all my regular customers to not be here waiting for me because somebody screwed it up. Huh? Thanks. No problem. See you later, kid. Wow. What a moron.

Andy · Leslie:Andy: 'Hey, if you want a song from Andy Dwyer, lead singer of Mouse Rat, you should know he doesn't get out of bed for less than $1,000.' Leslie: 'Well, he sleeps on a futon, so we can give him 50 bucks.' Andy: 'Sold.'

Andy · Ron:Andy's work-in-progress memorial song for Li'l Sebastian: 'In my heart, I'm sad you had to die. Li'l horse, spread your wings and learn to fly.' — Ron: 'Horses don't fly.' Andy: 'That's why I'm telling him, learn to fly.'

Andy:Andy's current draft lyrics: 'You're a champion little horse / And you're dead / You're the champion of death'

Andy:Andy announces his song: 'What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the wind? This song is called 5,000 Candles in the Wind.'

Andy:Andy performs '5,000 Candles in the Wind' — a genuinely heartfelt song about Li'l Sebastian going to heaven, trading legs for angel wings and taking 'a running leap' to fly

Andy · Audience Member:Andy sells CDs after the memorial: '18 bucks each, $40 for the set.' Audience member: 'That doesn't add up.' Andy: 'You don't add up.'

Andy · April:Andy proposes to April: 'April, I need to ask you something, and it's the biggest thing I've ever asked anybody in my entire life.' April: 'Honey, we're already married.' Andy: 'No, this is way more important than that.' Asks her to be his manager.

Andy:This weekend, you have two parents. Me and Mother Nature. And I am Mother Nature's brother, Brother Nature. But you can call me Andy. Or Brother Nature. Your call.

Andy:Andy has caught a fish using a mackerel he bought at a supermarket, standing in the water with it on a hook for 30 minutes. 'I saw it on an episode of I Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe.'

Andy:Andy: 'But it feels pretty good to have a bunch of little boys be super into me. That came out wrong.'

Andy · April:The Halloween shopping list escalation: 'Blood orphans. No blood orphans. I don't know what that is.'

Andy · April:The 'dead people we just murdered / not murdered, but pictures of dead people from TV or movies' correction

Andy:'I'm a sumo wrestler after he lost the weight.'

Ben · Andy · April:Ben's passive-aggressive response to not being told about the party: 'I didn't tell you I was gonna be quietly working in my room. That's a good point. Yeah, yeah. I guess we're even.'

Ron · Andy:Ron noticing the leaky faucet while dressed as a pirate at Andy and April's Halloween party

Andy:'I just stuffed a sock in it yesterday. What else do they want me to do?'

Andy:'Shock wire. I call it that, 'cause if you take a shower, and you touch the wire, you die!'

Andy · April · Ben:Ben arriving at the party in no costume: 'He's going as lame.'

Andy · Ben:Andy suggesting Ben wear the Batman costume: 'I think the Batman costume is way better. You should go wear that.' / Ben: 'Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna put on a costume, because I'm not really attending this party that's at my house.'

Ben · Andy:Ben attempts to express his feelings, gets flustered: 'My name's Ben. I'm mad.'

Andy:Andy's confessional about the Dwyer method: 'yelling, wrestling, crying, followed by lots of hugs, then more wrestling, but the fun kind, then crying when the fun kind of wrestling got out of hand.'

Andy · Ron:Andy says 'the flange was a little warped, so I just goosed it with a triple-three bolt smack.' Ron: 'That was nonsense.' Andy: 'I know, but it's so fun to talk like that.'

Andy · April · Ben:Blood capsule reveal: 'Psych! Blood capsules... I wanted to shock you into expressing your anger.' / 'My nose is broken.'

Ben · Andy · April:Ben's list of reasonable grievances ends with: 'Stop using my comforter for your pillow forts.'

Andy · Ben:Andy's counter-demand: pay for studio recording time for his band, 'about 5,600 bucks. Deal?'

April · Andy · Ben:Hospital scene: 'You his friend?' / 'Him? Hell, no. We're brothers.'

April · Andy:April: 'Ew. If your nose is all weird after this, I'm totally going to divorce you.' / Andy: 'Whatever. I'm going to divorce you first for wearing my favorite hoodie.'

Andy · April:Ben's final exit: April tells Andy they can't use Ben's comforter anymore. Andy: 'What are we going to have sex on?'

Andy · Leslie:Andy bowing to Leslie when presenting Herb

Andy · April:April and Andy's nightly routine: pizza, Xbox, prank calls, getting hammered, making out — 'We do that every night.' / 'That's because repetition is the key to a good marriage.'

Andy:Andy's bucket list includes remaking Kazaam with Shaquille O'Neal 'where he plays a genie, and I'd like to get it right'

Andy:Andy mimes looking out a first-class airplane window at passersby on the ground — 'When people are walking by, be like this'

Andy · April:April chooses one bucket list item: holding $1,000 in cash. They withdraw exactly $1,000, and it takes two counting attempts to get to the anticlimactic total

Andy:Andy's reaction to holding the $1,000: extreme disappointment, then euphoria after a recount — 'That's super disappointing... Yes! Now this is what I imagined.'

Andy:After the recount, Andy erupts with 'Yes! Now, this is what I imagined!' — the second count of identical bills somehow satisfies him

Andy · April:'Have you ever seen this much cash in your entire life?' / 'I just handed it to you.'

Andy:'Nickels. I want nickels. A billion nickels!'

Andy · April:Andy and April's bucket list item: winning the lottery = finding a $10 bill on the ground

Andy · April:The 'most amazing grilled cheese ever' bucket list item — 'My bucket list doesn't say make a pretty awesome grilled cheese sandwich.'

Andy · April:April and Andy's action movie hostage scene — 'Just hold up this butter knife to my throat and pretend like you're holding me hostage'

Andy:'Just crazy enough to work.'

Andy:Andy's pun: 'Looks like this Siberian husky is going to be Russian off to jail.'

Andy:Andy and April have driven to Mount Rushmore — 'Where's all the faces? Like the presidents.'

Andy · April:Andy and April in the stolen car: 'The map says 30 hours, but I drive really fast.' / 'I didn't bring any music.' / 'I'll just take a real quick snooze for like 12 hours.'

Andy:Andy at Mount Rushmore: 'Where's all the faces? Like the presidents.'

Andy:Andy: 'Iceland? The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2? Don't think so.' / 'Japan? The bad guys from Karate Kid 2? Even worse.' / 'Germany? They've never been the bad guys.'

Andy · Leslie:Leslie offers Japan — Andy: 'The bad guys from Karate Kid 2? Even worse.'

Andy · April:Andy's talking head: 'Honey! I just traded Finland's military to Kenya for 50 lions. That's pretty good, right?' April: 'Yeah...' Andy: 'But also militaries are pretty good at protecting countries.' April: 'But so are lions. And you don't have to pay them.'

Andy:Andy's confessional: 'I've just traded all of Finland's boring stuff for every other country's lions? I definitely have more lions than any other country in the whole world right now. I have no idea what's going on. But if that ends up meaning something in this game, I'd say I'm set.'

April · Andy:April, as the Moon, joining Leslie's coalition: 'The Moon shall join your coalition.' Andy: 'Yeah! We got the freaking moon. What are you gonna do without tides, Peru?'

Andy:Andy's post-game: 'Did we win? I think we won! What were we trying to do? I learned so much today.'

Andy:Andy's advice to Leslie about talking to Ben: 'He takes really long sadness baths and makes me late for stuff.'

Andy · Ben:Andy: 'If you rearrange the letters of Peru, you could spell Europe.' Ben: 'That's... That's not true.' Andy: 'Well... You have to rearrange them.' Ben: 'Oh...'

Andy:Andy's Camp David misunderstanding: 'In high school, my buddy David Fundis would have these campouts in his backyard... We called it camp David. How do you know about Camp David?'

Andy · April:Andy and April exit to throw 'scientist bottles off the roof.' April: 'That's right. See ya. Go. Go. Go.'

Ben · April · Andy:Ben and colleague are impressed by college course catalog 'shopping period'

Andy:Andy explains why he didn't graduate college: 'I did not graduate college because I did not attend it.'

Andy · Ron:Andy shows off guitar knowledge in a beginner's class (naming frets, capos, explaining key changes), prompting the teacher to suggest the advanced class. Andy responds: 'Yeah, maybe I should. Dude, dumb it down. But I couldn't possibly, because I'm just a beginner. I barely haven't even ever seen a gor-tar.'

Andy:Andy dramatically announces to the guitar class: 'Goodbye, everybody. Guess what. I was secretly an undercover rock star this whole time.'

Andy · Ron:Andy in laser class: 'Where are the lasers?' followed by Ron: 'He's not even using a laser pointer.'

Andy:Andy asks the laser professor: 'Curious. When will you be bringing out the lasers for me to play with? And will we start with the small lasers or could we go just straight to the big lasers, in terms of playing with them?'

Andy:Andy's confessional after learning the laser class has no actual lasers: 'One of the most significant bummers of my lifetime.'

Ron · Andy:Ron, looking at the college course catalog: 'Check it out. You can get credit for playing intramural Frisbee Golf.' Andy: 'You can take a class on the Civil War.' Ron: 'Why would I take a class on something that's already happened?'

Andy · Ron:Andy in the Women's Studies class: 'I want to be burned at the stake.' Then later: 'I wholeheartedly agree. If that woman weren't so violently opposed to marriage, I think I would propose to her.'

Ron · Andy:'Andy Dwyer will be taking Women's Lasers.' Ron: 'Women's Studies.' Andy: 'Sorry. God, I cannot stop thinking about lasers. Women's Studies. Is there such a thing as Women's Lasers? That would be my number one pick.'

Andy:Andy greets the Women's Studies registration desk: 'Hello, ma'am, who is just as equal as men. I would like one ticket for Women.'

Andy · April:Andy's plan to pay for Women's Studies: 'I'm going to beg for money on the street like a drug addict.' April: 'No.' Andy: 'Yep.'

Andy:Andy's fundraising scheme on display: 'Mouse Rat CD. $30. Candy bars. $50. $50. God, people here are so cheap.'

April · Andy:April tells Ron she's back working at her old job. Andy: 'Do you want a shoe shine? It's $100.' April: 'Laugh all you want, Kyle. I already took the money out of your wallet.'

Ron · Andy:Ron announces a 'Ron Swanson Scholarship' and gives Andy money. Andy: 'I don't think so. I don't remember applying for that.'

Andy:Andy on his first day of Women's Studies: 'Oh, crap. I forgot my books and my computer.'

Andy:Andy in Women's Studies, confidently answers a question wrong, then says: 'I thought... I thought maybe it was. When I was... I'll get them next time. Back to you, Professor.'

Andy:Mouse Rat certified gold — 'over 100 copies sold in Pawnee'

Ron · Ben · Ann · Tom · Andy · April · Donna:The reaction shot to whatever large gift Leslie installed for Ron — characters are moved to tears by something the audience doesn't see yet

Andy · Tom:'Rock n' roll candy Andy.' — The candy version of Andy in the gingerbread office

Ben · Andy · Tom:Ben spray-painted M&Ms silver — 'Okay, those are poisonous, so no one eat them.' / 'Yeah, duh.' / 'Go throw up.' / 'I didn't eat any.' / 'Go throw up.'

Andy:Andy: 'security, sweets, body man. Javelin, if need be.'

Andy · Ben:Andy is examining the cryptex. Ben explains Leslie hid the location of their Valentine's meeting inside. Andy asks 'Have you tried...' Ben: 'That's a four-letter word.' Andy: 'Add an S?' Ben: 'I really don't think it's that.'

Ben · Andy:Ben tells Andy 'You're like the second smartest guy I know. You should go to the first smartest guy I know.' Andy responds as if this is a profound honor. Then reveals that Ron is 'the first smartest guy.'

Ron · Andy · Ben:When Ron is brought in to help crack the cryptex, he reads the clue and confidently solves it immediately. Andy: 'Told you.'

Ben · April · Andy:Ben and the group examine the Pawnee murals for hearts — the murals include 'Cornfield Slaughter,' 'Lament of the Buffalo,' 'Needless Slaughter,' 'Slaughter Gone Wrong,' 'Eating the Reverend,' 'It's Raining Blood,' and 'Death Everywhere.'

Andy · April:April describes herself: 'April hates Valentine's Day. And brunch and outside and smiling. She's weird.'

Ron · Ben · Andy:Ron arrives at what appears to be a bar or establishment, introduces himself formally: 'Hello. My name is Ron Swanson. I believe Leslie Knope may have left some kind of scavenger hunt clue here.' Pause. Staff member retrieves something. Ron opens it to reveal whiskey glasses. 'Gentlemen.' He pours. 'Enjoy your evening.'

Ben · Andy · Ron:The scavenger hunt clue progress report: Ben has clues 9, 3, and 4. Andy proudly reports: 'I have 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, and 19.' Then: 'Yo. I found some clues. Also found this.' [shows a weird stick] 'Might be a clue?' Ben: 'No.'

Andy:After Mouse Rat records, Andy announces: 'Hey, a little tradition. After Mouse Rat records, someone buys me booze. Who's it going to be?'

Andy:He's a mutt. Half amazing, half terrific.

Andy:Wait, did his leg grow back?

Chris · Andy:Dogs tend to take on the personalities of their owners — so if you were to sit on your couch all day watching cartoons and eating nothing but Cheetos, that's what he would want to do too. / Who wouldn't? That sounds like an amazing day, right?

Andy:Yeah, it was really good. I was gonna give it to Champion, but it just — it looked so yummy.

Andy:I feel naked without it, okay.

Andy:Andy improvises a song to call Champion back: '### Champion, you're lost / and soon you'll be found / I rescued you from the pound, / something something / oh man / on the ground / get on out of here ###'

Andy · April:They want to talk to you because you're important to them. / Yes, but I hate them. / I know you do, sweetheart.

Andy · April:Oh, hey, I told Chris he can borrow Champion whenever. / Andy, he's kissing me.

Andy:And I will be providing my world-famous $100 lap dances.

Andy · Ben:Sweet! / No.

Andy:Andy's radio shout-out to Ann: 'This chick's name is Ann Perkins. Look her up on the government website. She is crazy hot.'

Andy:I recently invested in some shirts I got at a garage sale. Left those at Wendy's on the way home. So... The economy.

Andy:Andy acts out Roadhouse for the party donors — extended physical performance including scissor kicks, sound effects, and esophagus removal narration.

Andy:That's subtext. He doesn't say that.

Andy:Andy recaps the plot of Rambo at the party: 'Open on villagers being thrown out into a rice field. Land mines blowing them up into pieces.'

Andy:After I steal this cable feed, I will repay the cable company for the service we used.

Andy:Andy's Rambo summary conclusion: 'They go upriver. Does not go well.'

Andy:Andy's Bert Macklin investigation with dramatic 'pause' and 'play' narration of the pie-attack video

Andy · Ben · Ann · April · Donna · Chris:'Also, from now on, we'll be using code names. You can address me as Eagle One. Ann, code name: Been there, done that. April is Currently doing that. Donna is It happened once in a dream. Chris, code name: If I had to pick a dude. Ben is Eagle Two.' / Ben: 'Oh, thank God.'

Andy · Leslie:Andy re-enacting the pie trajectory by miming throwing pie at Leslie's face at close range, making her close her eyes from the incoming mime-pie

Andy:Andy's advice: 'If the--if the--if the guy--if-- Okay. I absolutely think that we should keep campaigning. The worst possible thing we could do would be to stop, 'cause if the campaign stops, we all stop. And stopping is certain death. Who wants a panini? Anyone? Everyone? I'm going to say everyone.'

Andy:Andy reviews the pie investigation board: 'Sweet kick, Leslie exits the building, and then you get hit.' Then: 'Or... Leslie wasn't the target.'

Andy:Andy realizes the pie was meant for Ben, not Leslie — meaning the assailant had terrible aim. Andy: 'Macklin, you son of a bitch.'

Andy · Sewage Joe:Ben fired 'Sewage Joe' for sending pictures of his penis to everyone — and Sewage Joe has come to pie Ben in revenge

Andy · Sewage Joe · Ben:Andy to Sewage Joe: 'Oh, dude, I dare you. Please. Give me one reason to take you down. I would love nothing more—' [Joe accidentally pies Ben] / Andy: 'Oh, [bleep]. Ben, sorry.'

Andy · Leslie:Andy smells 'the sweet sugar of bureaucracy at work' while standing outside the Capitol

Andy · Leslie:Andy: 'That building looks like a boob.' Leslie: 'Yeah, well, it's not.' Andy: 'Oh yeah, I know. It's the White House.' Leslie: 'No. It's the Capitol.'

Leslie · Andy:Leslie: 'Now, throw it away, because Leslie Knope is your guidebook.' Andy throws the book away immediately. Leslie: 'I didn't mean literally. I had some notes in it.'

Andy:Andy: 'There's a mall? That's awesome. I need to get some flip-flops.'

Andy · Leslie:Andy treats gum on the Lincoln Memorial as a National Treasure-style clue

Andy · Leslie:Andy about the Washington Monument: 'Leslie, this is a really cool penis but Ben and April are meeting us at the Smithsonian in 10 minutes.'

Andy · Leslie:Andy climbs on a train in the Smithsonian and asks if it's from Back to the Future III

Andy:Andy to the security guard who removes him from the train: 'Sir, you protect our nation's history and you're a hero. Yeah. A hero with something to hide. Like probably a treasure map.'

Ben · Leslie · April · Andy:Ben and Leslie reuniting — awkward extended hug while April watches, then Ben and April exit to have sex, leaving Andy and Leslie visibly uncomfortable

Andy:Andy to Ben: 'Hey, Benjamin. How fancy is this party tonight? I mean, is it, like, a shorts or a pants kind of gala?'

Andy · Ben:Ben: 'Pants.' Andy: 'Great. Could we just real quick stop at the nearest place that has free pants?'

Andy · Leslie:Andy shows Leslie a series of photos: 'Here's a picture of me and April making out in her apartment. Here's a picture of us making out in Ben's office. This is us making out... I don't know where that is, but you can tell that she's sucking on my lip.'

Andy · Leslie:Andy trying to reassure Leslie: 'I know Ben, he, too, is an amalgam.' Leslie: 'No.' Andy: 'Yeah.' Leslie: 'Point is—' Andy: 'Nailed it.'

Leslie · Andy:Leslie sets up outdoor office hours at the polluted riverbank; immediately: 'Oh, my God. The smell is so much worse when you get up close.' Then Andy: 'Look. A handgun! I call it!'

Andy:Andy as a tour guide: 'The White House, America's most whitest house. Most notably is where Sinbad lived in the film, First Kid.'

Andy · tourist:Other tourist: 'The other tour guide never said anything about that.' Andy: 'Do you know why it's called the Oval Office?' Tourist: 'No.' Andy: 'Because of a man. Oval Redenbacher. The popcorn inventor. He used to hang out with John F. Kennedy.'

Leslie · Andy:Leslie interrupts Andy's tour: 'Excuse me. Attention, everyone! This tour guide is the most amazing tour guide there ever was.' Andy: 'Please. Step up. $200 cash up front.'

Andy:Andy's tourist speech: 'Excuse me. Attention, everyone! This tour guide is the most amazing tour guide there ever was. Please. Step up. $200 cash up front.'

Andy · April:Andy's care package asks April to do his laundry and mail it back

Andy · April:Andy's P.S. that he's been wearing a bandana as underwear for three days, with a picture included

Andy:Andy demonstrates his current athletic ability: an unspecified physical feat shown to camera

Andy:Andy reads 'run 2 miles in under 25 minutes' and says 'That's a typo, right? That's humanly impossible.'

Andy · Tom · Chris:Andy after his two-mile run: 'Running is impossible. What are you doing? Tom, now is not the time for criticism.'

Andy:Andy: 'No! I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber.'

Andy · Chris · Tom:Andy's motivation speech: 'I just want to get a good job for me and April. I love April. She's all I care about in the whole world.' Chris: 'Yes! Love and family! What else is there, really? Nothing at all.'

Chris · Andy · Tom:Chris's medical test results: 'The news is terrible. They found... nothing. Nothing? Nothing. The silent killer.'

Andy · Chris:Andy: 'It's too bad there's not doctors for your mind.' — said completely sincerely, apparently unaware therapy exists

Andy · Chris:After Andy misses his time: 'What was my time?' / 'I don't know. 43.' / 'Yes! New record.'

Chris · Andy:Thank you, Andy. I agree. I love this idea. And I love me for thinking of it. My therapist said that I need to be more vocal about appreciating myself. Thank you, Chris. You're welcome, Chris. I sound insane. I'm going to go talk to my therapist.

Andy:Government is inefficient and should be dissolved. Please hold while I transfer you.

Andy · Donna:How do I get I.T. here? / Call 311. / 311, how can I... Hello again, Diane.

Andy · Donna:Donna, they switched my phone with 911. What do I do? / I don't know. Try to help. Now hush.

Andy · 911 Caller:It is heating up in this piece. / That sounds awful. / Good lord, it is hot. / Yes, mercy me. / Living in this town's like living in the devil's butt crack.

Andy · Children · Ron:Hi, I'm Andy. I really like your dress. / I'm a princess. / I'm a mermaid. / I'm the director of Parks and Recreation. I'm here to fix that hole.

Andy:Your highnesses, we do humbly request thine permission to befix doth holes yonder.

Ron · Diane · Andy:Ron is given lemonade by Diane and they have a normal, pleasant interaction — a visual contrast to Andy in the background apparently playing with the children.

Andy:♪ Ron and Diane / sitting in a tree / k-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i.

Ron · Andy:Andy, come help me tamp this down. / For the last time, Ron, it's Princess Rainbow Sparkle.

Andy · Ron:I think it would really make Diane happy. / Why would that matter? / Shut up.

Donna · Andy:Then Ana asks Grey to punish her. Donna, please, can you keep it down? / Or at least research how to deliver a baby that's coming out face up. / Lay the mother on her side and try to move the baby in a corkscrew fashion.

Ron · Andy:'A,' I don't recall inviting you in here, and 'B,' I did not like her. Her life is messy. / Ron, messy is fun, okay? My whole life is a giant mess and I love it. I mean, look at my hair. I have gum in my hair.

Andy · Ron:Diane is awesome and she likes you. And you like her. I can tell. 'A,' I don't recall inviting you in here, and 'B,' I did not like her. She's not my type. Her life is messy. Ron, messy is fun, okay? My whole life is a giant mess and I love it. I mean, look at my hair. I have gum in my hair.

Andy · Ron:Andy: 'Dude, you're totally blowing this.' — Ron: 'I'm not gonna apologize. It wasn't even a real tiara, for God's sake.' — Andy: 'Oh, well, relationship over. Too bad.'

Andy · April:Police, open up, we have a warrant! Just kidding, it's us. Ha! We got you.

Andy · April:Pizza, the beach, rock and roll music... Smallpox, botched surgery, snails crawling out of your mouth... Laughter. Snails crawling out of your mouth. The beach. Snails crawling out of your mouth. Cute cats. Snails crawling out of your butt. Dave Matthews Band.

Andy:This lesbian nurse is right, Chris. You can't keep it all bottled up.

Andy:Andy sits down at his desk, stares at his computer, says 'Okay, something is different about my computer.' Long pause. 'Aha. It's gone.'

Andy:Andy announces: 'A game is the foot.'

Andy:Andy discovers his sunglasses were also stolen: 'They got my sunglasses too. I was in Miami last weekend. I took my talents to South Beach.'

Andy · Tom:Andy sarcastically accuses Tom: 'How do you spend your time in Miami? Maybe fencing stolen computers?' Tom: 'Yes, I took your government computer from Indiana to Miami to sell it on the black market for 150 bucks.'

Andy:Andy tells Tom: 'Ha-ha, you don't know it, but you just gave yourself away.' — treating a sarcastic fake confession as an actual slip.

Andy · Jerry/Gary:Andy interrogates Jerry: 'Been looking at your file all day, Jerry — if that even is your real name.' Jerry: 'It's not. My real name is Gary.' Andy: 'Well, Gary — if that even is your real name—'

Andy:Andy explains his investigative logic: 'Okay, so we know it's not Jerry, unless he was lying to me. I can never tell when people are lying to me. Hopefully that doesn't come up in my police work.'

Andy · Chris:Andy confronts Chris: 'Don't play stupid and handsome with me. You stole my computer so that I could practice for my police exam. You're as guilty as you are sexy.'

Andy · Chris:Chris reveals a second computer was actually stolen — it's a real crime. Andy: 'I can't tell if you're lying to me.' Chris: 'Really?' Andy: 'I think.' Andy: 'Like a real crime? That's even better.'

Andy:Andy's crime-solving plan: 'You're gonna set up a perimeter, maybe bug a few phones? Ooh, I know. We could put out a dummy computer for them to steal, fill it with explosives first, boom, take 'em all out.'

Officer · Andy:Officer: 'Look, man, this is what most police work is. Just writing stuff down. It's not superhero time.' Andy: 'Maybe we should find the person who stole his positive attitude.'

Andy:Andy's latest suspect: 'My new suspect — the dude who runs carpet emporium. The way I figure it, criminals love to wrap things up in rugs. Plus, he yelled at me when I tried to unroll 'em all.'

Andy:Andy taking his shirt off when sad: 'When I get bummed out, I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.'

Chris · Andy:Chris offers Andy the weekend security guard job: 'But keep in mind, if you take this job, you must keep your clothes on at all times, even if you get sad.' Andy: 'No deal.' / 'Okay, I'll do it.'

Andy · Chris:Andy: 'And I get a gun, and I can point it in people's faces.' Chris: 'Incorrect.'

Andy · Chris:Andy: 'And I get a gun, and I can point it in people's faces.' Chris: 'Incorrect.'

Ben · Andy:I just finished making an entry in my dream journal. This time, the giant spider got caught in my web. [beat] Progress.

Andy:I have my therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard, who I see 15 times a week.

Andy · Ben · Andy · Ben:I know you didn't, but if you had gone to Hogwarts Academy, which House do you think you would have been? / Look, obviously I want to say Gryffindor... But I've got to go with Hufflepuff. / I respect your honesty. / Gryffindor. Seeker on the Quidditch team.

Ben · Andy:Man, maybe going to therapy 1,000 times a week is helping. I mean, if you'd seen that picture a month ago, you would have fallen apart.

April · Andy:What is the criminal code for a 3542? / Assault and battery. The way I remember that, I picture 35 salt shakers and 42 batteries.

Andy:Arson is 533. You know how I remember that? I picture 533 salt shakers and batteries lighting a building on fire.

Examiner · Andy:Personality test scenario: 'Your name is Andy?' / 'I don't know how to answer that. Well, everyone calls me Andy, but my full name is Andrew, I think, so... No? Wait. Yes.'

Examiner · Andy:Scenario: A high-school-aged child asks to hold your service revolver. What do you do? / 'Yes, I give it to him. When I was a kid, I always wanted to hold a cop's gun. To make that dream come true for another kid — well, that's what being a cop is all about.'

Examiner · Andy:You pull over your father for speeding. How do you handle it? / 'Well, first I would be like, Dad... You're alive? What the hell? Also, do you know where my catcher's mitt is?'

Andy:Official police wrist lock. You can't hit me. Try to hit me. Or here, no, try — it's this hand. Wrist lock. Boom, too much pain, you can't even hit me. Try to hit me. If I had my gun, you wouldn't try to hit me, though, is the thing.

Andy · April · Pawn Shop Owner:Andy finds rings that turn out to be former nipple rings — revealed to have been the pawn shop owner's

Andy:Andy announces he's about to become a cop and declares he should 'commit as many crimes as possible tonight, get it out of my system'

Andy · Chris · Captain:Andy at the police station imagining his detective career: the criminal 'chopped off both his arms so he wouldn't leave fingerprints' — 'Well, how did he murder the person?' — 'I don't know.'

Andy:Better get used to this, honey. Gonna be a lot of late nights for me here. Graveyard shift.

Andy:Andy's first question to the police chief: 'Is it a dog?' (about his new partner)

Leslie · Andy:Andy, as you requested, got you a three-pack of white T-shirts from Target. Thank you. All mine are dirty.

Andy:It's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired. Also, I can't sleep, I'm overeating, none of my old hobbies interest me.

Andy:It's the Redwood Music Program. It's an after-school music class for at-risk kids. It'll keep them off the street. And the streets, as you know, are dangerous. Example -- I fell in a sewer grate once. I was there all day. In conclusion, we cannot let our children live in the sewer any longer.

Andy · Ben:That guy? Do you even know him? Oh, my God, Andy, it's you.

Andy:Uh-oh. What's happening? [Andy begins to cry with happiness]

Tom · Ben · Andy:Uh, 'Spasm.' No, 'Butter Face'! / Very good!

Andy:I already took what I call a 'dwyer shower.' I rubbed my armpits with air fresheners.

Ben · Andy:New car. [reaction beat — someone smells Andy after the 'Dwyer shower']

Dennis Feinstein · Dumb-Dumb Eddie · Tom · Andy:Guys, we're going out. Let's scent up! / I call dibs on 'Ooze.' / I got 'Money Shot.' / Yeah. / I got 'Blood Spurt.' / Ooh, no, don't use that one. / Eh, go ahead.

Dennis Feinstein · Tom · Andy:Wear whatever you want, as long as it's not too bright or reflective. You know, I want you blending in to the surroundings. / How fast can you run? / I think that guy wants to hunt me.

Andy · Dennis Feinstein · Ben:You're a dick. / Excuse me? / Andy-- / How dare you talk to me like that? Where are your manners? You come to me asking for money, and you treat me like this?

Andy · Ben · Tom · Dennis Feinstein:Why did you make me apologize to him? / Guys, just hold it-- hold on a sec. / Mr. Feinstein, with all due respect... you are a major dick. / What? / Run! / Eddie, get my crossbow. / Crossbow? What the-- / You will pay for this!

Andy:What do we do now? Can I apologize again? I'm getting really [good] at apologizing.

Andy:After Andy jumps in naked: 'Thank God. I don't know how to swim.'

April · Andy:'Torturing Jerry was my favorite thing in the world. After making out with you. Remember when we did both at the same time?'

Tom · Donna · April · Andy:Tom's 'pile files'/'filo pilos' meltdown — can't correctly say 'file piles'

Andy · Donna · Tom:Andy gets ink all over himself from a pen — 'I'm like a giant squid. I'm ink Dracula.'

Tom · April · Andy · Donna:'Pretty heroic, huh, guys?' / 'Hard to make fun of that.' / 'Oh, man, the cake.' / 'Filo Pilo ruined the cake. Classic Pilo.'

Taylor · Andy · April:Taylor on relationships: 'I've got a lot of love to give, and it just seems unfair to put boundaries on it.'

Andy:Andy sings a custom song about coming home from London: 'Someone's back from London / No, it's not the Queen / Someone's back from London / It's not Mr. Bean / It's not the royal baby / I think his name is Jeff'

Andy:Andy: 'You're never going to need that computer again.' Beat. 'Because I'm home for, like, nineteen hours.'

Andy · Jerry/Larry:Andy tells Jerry 'Take a hike, Jerry.' Jerry corrects him: 'It's Larry now.' Andy: 'Okay. Take a hike, Larry.'

Andy:Andy describes his London work: 'I'm like Chuck Norris. Only instead of crushing bad guys' skulls, I'm crushing documents.'

April · Andy:April to Andy: 'Now, be the Chuck Norris of making out with me. I'll karate punch your face with my tongue. Prove it. Hi-ya.'

Andy · April:Andy to April: 'Just remember. Every time you look up at the moon, I too, will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That's impossible.'

Andy · April · Ron:Andy is found hiding in a dumpster. He claims: 'I was just here in this dumpster, because I jumped in.' April: 'Get out.' Ron: 'We need to talk. About what? Fresh air. Real weapons. An honest kill.'

Andy:Andy's confessional: 'I can't go back to London. I'm totally in over my head on this project. Every day, someone comes up to me and says, "I need your approval on this, Mr. Dwyer. I need your signature, Mr. Dwyer. That's not a toilet, Mr. Dwyer."'

Andy:Andy updates his Chuck Norris metaphor: 'I am. But I'm like Chuck Norris now. Some old guy with a beard who used to be good at karate, but became a dumb has-been, and is scared and confused about his big London job.'

April · Andy:Andy and April's goodbye: April produces five bologna sandwiches on cookies. 'I made you five bologna sandwiches in case you get hungry on the way to the airport.' 'Did you...?' 'Yes, I used cookies instead of bread.'

Andy:Andy inexplicably finds his wallet in a dumpster: 'Ha-ha! Found it. I got it. I left my wallet in here earlier, I guess. Whoo! All good now.'

April · Andy:Andy mowed the lawn at 2:00 in the morning due to jet lag

Andy:Andy sleep-talks: 'That's my spaghetti, Chewbacca.'

Andy · April:Andy sleep-calls the dog 'Champion' while passed out, then immediately crashes back down

Andy · April:April was about to spray Andy with a hose inside the house; Andy's response: 'I kinda want you to do it now.'

Andy:Andy's business idea: 'Bears bouncing on trampoline roads. There's a chance I might have dreamed that.'

Andy:Andy: 'I don't know, Leslie. It seems risky. But I could be wrong. I haven't pooped in three days.'

Andy · April:April is sitting on Andy's lap while he plays guitar and sings an improvised song about needing to use the bathroom

Ann · Andy:Ann venting about vomiting in whine & cheese club while Mouse Rat's song about 'Sex Is Cool' plays in background

April · Andy · Tom:April booked Mouse Rat for a kids' birthday party; Andy thought it was 'a festival' where 'Dave Grohl might be there'

Andy:Andy calling after departing bandmate: 'Shaq might be there!'

Andy:Andy's revised kids' song: changes 'Sex Hair' to 'Sex Bears' — 'You got sex bears, you got 'em from me, kids'

Andy:Andy: 'Oh, it's sex! Oh, crap.' — genuine realization

April · Andy:April introduces Andy as 'Johnny Karate and his magical guitar stick' with no preparation

Andy:Andy's improvised kids' song: picking your nose and putting it on your friend, peeing the bed until age 32

April · Andy:After the birthday party, a parent approaches Andy: 'My son wants you to sing at his birthday party next weekend.' April immediately: 'He is, but it's actually $250 for short notice. You can call this number and ask for April Karate.'

Andy:You wish. [to being compared to a disheveled, dying Meryl Streep]

Andy:Four car accidents. All these strangers' insurance information.

Andy:Really? That's the best part. We should split a turkey sometime.

Andy:Andy sees Ron Swanson perform as Duke Silver and has a visible reaction of disbelief/recognition [Uh!]

Ron Swanson · Andy:I am Duke Silver. / I have a twin brother. [repeated back and forth as both explanations fail]

Ron Swanson · Andy:The only other people who know are Tom and April. So, please, keep it to yourself. / Are you kidding me? You are really good! You are, like, the saxophone player for the California-raisins-good.

Andy:You're gonna play right after Bobby knight ranger. It's a night ranger cover band where they only wear red sweaters.

Andy:I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks.

Andy:I don't know who Al Gore is. And at this point I'm too afraid to ask.

Andy:When they say 2% milk, I don't know what the other 98% is.

Andy:When I was a baby, my head was so big scientists did experiments on me.

Andy:I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca.

Andy:Shotgun! I call shotgun. Where are we going? Doesn't matter. Shotgun. Shotgun on all rides for the rest of the day. For the rest of my life. In any car! Ha ha! I just faced you suckers!

Andy:Can you rub any kind of mud on yourself to prevent predator from seeing you with his thermal heat signature sight, or is it more-- Ow! That sucks.

Andy:Oh, whoa. Five-second rule. No, ahh.

Andy · Ron:Ron, look. I found all three differences. — Those are two completely different pictures.

Andy · Ron:I don't know, I think my tooth looks fine just like this. — Well, my grandmother was missing that tooth, and she was the most beautiful woman on her oil rig.

Andy:That's why you know even though you're not my dad, you're like an old brother to me. Like a cool uncle, but old. Like a grandpa. But cool like a son.

Andy · Ron:No way. I'm not going back there. I already won all the magazine mazes. — Don't worry. It's gonna be fine. — Fine. Let me just wolf down this peanut brittle real quick. — Why would you do that? — Oh, right. 'Cause calories.

Andy:When it's all said and done, there were a few mazes I'd cheated on. Also, the inside of my mouth is black and hot.

Andy:So do I strip down to my underwear, or all the way naked?

Andy:April Ludgate, I'm gonna sing to you a song that I first wrote 15 years ago for my prom date, Sarah Weiss.

Andy:♪ You're as hot as the sun / But you're as cold as ice / Let me take you to paradise / Come on, roll the dice / It will be twice as nice / Sarah Wei-- April Ludgate ♪

Ben · Andy:Ben and Andy's pre-prom hype sequence: 'Pawnee! Class of '99! Uh-huh! Ooh!'

Andy:Girl, you look creepy.

Andy · April:Would you like a drink? All this stuff is free. No, it's not. Why'd you pay for a limo? Because it's prom. If you don't show up in a limo, legally, they can't let you in.

Andy · April:I'm April's mom. / You two look adorable. / Ugh, just take the picture already, mom. / My baby is all grown up. / Have her home by 11:00. / Mom, stop embarrassing me.

Andy:Look around. The bloom of youth. Like flowers on the sunset of an eagle's poetry.

Andy:It's like the movie Expendables 2. First time, hated it. Second time, hated it. Third time, it was okay. But then the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, tenth time I watched it, I realized something. It's just -- it's not good. It's not a good movie.

Andy:Babe, huge news. I just got us invited to Damian Keating's barn party. He's captain of the soccer team, and he has a fake I.D., so I think he can get us all free beer.

Andy:We got that limo for three more hours. I think the extra length could help us get us over that lake.

Andy:I broke the box, and I threw away all the votes, and I voted for you a thousand times.

Andy:Hi, Pawnee High. As your prom king, I'm your ruler. Silence!

Andy:My first decree of power is to declare that the prom queen shall be my wife, April Ludgate, who is the best thing that's ever happened to me who came to prom even though she hates it.

Andy:Andy's prom king speech about April: 'My first decree of power is to declare that the prom queen shall be my wife, April Ludgate, who is the best thing that's ever happened to me who came to prom even though she hates it.'

Andy · Teenager:Give me this. Always next year. No, there isn't. I'm a senior.

Teenager · Andy · April · Teacher/chaperone:This is your wife? How old are you? He's 33, and I'm 47/immortal. Get out.

Andy:High school forever!

Andy:Leslie panicking about Andy potentially getting sick: 'Is that the Fred one or the Barney one?' (Andy about Vitamin C)

Andy · Leslie:Andy to Leslie: 'if you have to puke in my car, it's totally okay, I do it all the time.'

Andy · Leslie:Andy: 'Okay. Well, if you do collapse, luckily, I know first aid. Or karate. That's not first aid. It is if you do it right. Heimlich!'

Pharmacist · Leslie · Andy:New pharmacist diagnosing Leslie with 'aseptic meningitis — you have about an hour to live' then immediately walking it back: 'It's probably not that. Sorry, it's my first day.'

Andy:Andy holding a candy and telling Leslie 'This counts as one.' — claiming one of his two candy allowances with a very specific candy choice implied

Andy · Leslie:Leslie emerges from bathroom: 'Man, you were in the bathroom forever.' — then immediately pivots to normal conversation

Andy:Andy has made all the coffee pods in the hotel lobby: 'Check it out, I made all the little coffee pods they had.'

Andy:Andy: 'You get pee-palm, too? Every time!'

Andy · Leslie:Andy's SAT strategy: 'Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken Scantron machine.'

Andy · Scott Tanner · Scott's kid:Andy's Karate Chop Master performance at Scott Tanner's house — singing a children's song to a rock legend to convince him to reunite his band

Andy:Andy confesses: 'Especially since I threw up in that guy's piano.'

Andy:Andy's continued confusion about Leslie's pregnancy: 'Now you need to get home. You and Ben have some planning to do... You're gonna need a cage, a water bowl. You have a good vet? Tick medicine.'

Andy:I am not good at keeping secrets. That's exactly what I told Kyle when he told me his wife was cheating on him.

Andy:My neighbor Eric — he's kept a secret for 20 years. He's in Witness Protection.

Andy · April:It's about Larry. He is very sick. He has some kind of disease. / Oh, so that's why you've been so nice to him and let him carry all your stuff. / Yes, that's the reason. Good call, babe.

Ben · Andy:Andy, you can say 'Okay.' / Okay. Bye. / I didn't mean to say 'Bye.'

Andy:Technically, we're all dying, unless you choose the right grail. It's the dusty one.

Andy · April:Andy's escalating fake secrets: Ben's dog is dying / Ben is dying — he has the same disease Larry has / Leslie is dying / They're both dying / I'm dying / Chris and Ann are moving / They're moving again to China...town in France.

April · Andy:Babe, you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret anymore. / ...But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell you 'cause it's super juicy — you ready?

Andy · Larry:Everybody, if you could gather around... / They're here — don't try to get it out of me anymore. / The reason I have been acting so weird is not because I've been waiting for the results of the soil samples to come back. / Well, jeez, I've been up all night trying to make sure— / It doesn't matter, Larry. It was a pointless ruse designed to waste time.

Andy:Yes, I did it! I kept a secret.

April · Andy:Babe, I am so glad you didn't tell me. / I know. I'm incredible.

Andy:Our goal was to get 2,000 signatures in support of the merger. We got almost 4,000 on the first night!

Andy:'Card one of six.' / Okay, I'm not reading this whole thing. Mr. Tom Haverford!

Andy:Can't believe Michael Bay spent a billion dollars of his own money to build that for The Rock.

Leslie · Andy:I can't believe you were able to recite that entire movie, from memory, on the plane ride. You weren't trying to sleep, were you? I couldn't tell, 'cause you had that mask thing over your eyes.

Andy:That's exactly how they'll be expecting me to try to break in.

Andy · Leslie:Wow! Look at it go! I mean, I knew it would go down, but not that fast! / I thought he was gonna be on it. Yeah. Anyway.

Andy:We could tell them that there's buried treasure in Pawnee, and then, after they give us the free WiFi, we tell them that the treasure was love all along.

Andy · Ben:Yeah, man! We did it! This whole company is ours! / Oh, no, it's not. That's mine. That's mine. It's all mine.

Andy:Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to accept the following missions.

Andy:Their first project will be to come up with a shorter name for the group.

Andy:And then in the first game, of course, I break my leg. The crowd starts chanting my name, and I give them the thumbs up. And then I go to the hospital, I get really good at chess, I end up beating the computer finally. And then the band just sort of drifts apart.

April · Andy:One kid peed his pants because he didn't want to miss anything. / What? I gave a kid pee-pants? / Yes! / That's why I do what I do.

Andy:I love you, Kay Hanley! (shouted at musician from crowd)

Andy:Super cool to hear Sister Christian that many times in a row!

Andy · April:I wish I could marry you all over again. / Let's get divorced. That way we can get married again! / Yes! Let's do it. / You want to? Yes! / We should do that, right? Yeah, totally. / We're getting divorced! Yes!

Andy · Ben · Leslie:Ben, how many bags of marshmallows do I give them? / None. Just let April do everything. / Oh, God, one day in the distant future, things will be calm and normal, right? / Probably not. But that's okay.

Andy · Ben:Ben, how many bags of marshmallows do I give them? / None. Just let April do everything.

Andy:I've got something big and exciting. All we need is a blimp and a decoy blimp.

Andy:Was it Putin? Voldemort Putin, of Russia? I'd love to take that bastard down.

Leslie · Andy:Andy, you thinking what I'm thinking? / Oh, hell, yeah. Blimp time. / No.

Leslie · Andy:I think this is a job for Jonathan Karate. / Awesome. Even better.

Andy:Exactly. (responding to being told 'Jonathan Karate' isn't in the appointment book)

Andy:Jonathan Karate confessional: 'Occasionally on my show, we deal with real issues like bullying, peer pressure, or holding in farts.'

Andy:What if we steal the keys to Feinstein's building, break in, and TP his office, film the whole thing. We'd definitely get on a prank show.

Dennis Feinstein · Andy:Who did this? / We did. One way or another, Jonathan Karate always gets his man.

Andy:Wait, where's... Hey, guys, where's Gavin? Gav? Wait, stop. There were supposed to be six ninjas. Where's Gavin? Gavin? / Who was Gavin's buddy? Caleb, come on, dude. / Why do we even have a buddy system? Is he in the bathroom? You need to tell me if Gavin is pooping. / No, do not laugh, okay? You're not even Caleb. You're Gavin. You're Caleb. If you're Caleb, where's Hunter? Hunter! Hunter! / Okay, who was Hunter's buddy? Hmm? Oh, I was. Oh, crap.

Andy:The Meagles are weird. The words that they say sound passive, but seem aggressive. I feel like there should be a term for that. Like, 'nicey-meanie.'

Andy:Easy peasy. Lemon sneezy.

April · Andy · Leslie:One time, Andy told her that I was getting rid of my bangs and she called 911.

Andy:Apple juice, barbecue sauce, Count Chocula... Wait. Oh, sorry. That's the list of cool new nicknames I want people to call me.

Andy:Yeah. Ben Wyatt, please? Tell him it's Count Chocula.

Andy:No, it's Andrew Dwyer. I'm sorry.

Andy · Ron:I'm guessing it's a business? Assassins? Hit men? [Ron] Doctors. [Andy] You guys are doctors? [Ron] We build things.

Ron · Andy · Don Swanson:Meet our vice president, Don Swanson. [Andy] Is this your brother? You have a brother? [Ron] No. Fine. Yes, suppose the cat's out of the bag. I have a brother. One brother.

Andy · Ben · Ron:All those years together at the Parks Department, and you never told us you had a brother. [Ron] You worked at the Parks Department? [Ron] Tour is over.

Andy · Ron:So, what kind of building is it? [Ron] It's a large-scale storage unit for surplus vinyl sheeting.

Ron · Andy:Although I suppose she could use 'creative' ways to organize and stack the vinyl sheeting. [Andy] No, that's insane. [Ron] We use the Towson Method. It's tried and true.

Andy:Ooh! Yeah. Let's grab some lunch and some ice cream and then maybe some after-ice-cream tacos. We'll just brainstorm. Maybe grab some snacks.

Andy:What kind of a business is this? Is it, like, hit man or astronauts? [Barney] It's an accounting firm.

Andy:She designed her own major, Halloween Studies.

Ben · Andy:Does that compound your interest? Huh? What do you say? Huh, Barney? [Ben] Ben, that was amazing.

Andy:Holy crap. This is the job for her, I can feel it. She'll take it. Now, let's talk perks. Does she get the summer off? Is it like school?

Andy · Ben:Ben, that was amazing. / Thank you.

Andy:Simple solution? I break into her college and I change her degree to accounting. Easy. On my way out, look up at the blackboard. What is that? Impossible math equation? I solve it. X equals Y, obviously. Professor comes up to me, he says, 'I've been working on that for 50 years. Why don't you accept this math trophy?' By the time he turns around, I'm gone.

Andy:Give me the job! My name's April Ludgate, and my talent is explosive. Go USA! USA! USA!

Andy:So, long story short, we might have found you the perfect job. But also, I might have blown it. Ben and Ron are there now to try to fix it. And if they don't, I feel like it's kind of on them.

April · Andy:My desk was right here. Sitting right on top of it this whole time. How much money is it? It's not money. I told you. It's Ron's key.

Andy:Just a note and a movie ticket stub and four teeth.

Andy · April:'If you are looking for Ron's key, I moved it, and you'll never find it. Cordially, April.' Where'd you put it then? I don't know. It was eight years ago.

Andy · April:All we gotta do is train Champion to sniff out Ron's key. Okay. All we need is Ron's key to give him a scent. So give me the key and I'll get you that key.

Andy · April:I found this one, but it has a falcon on the top. I'll keep looking. No, that's it! That's it, Andy! Eagle, falcon, whatever. Not whatever. Eagles are more robust, have stronger talents. Didn't go to Bird School much?

April · Andy:Garry's wedding ring, Tom's watch, Kyle's car keys...

Andy:Initiate Ghost Protocol. We switch faces, we burn our fingertips off with acid, we live in the tunnels beneath the Kremlin. We could do that easily.

Andy:We could easily go that route. Initiate Ghost Protocol. We switch faces, we burn our fingertips off with acid, we live in the tunnels beneath the Kremlin. We could do that easily. But this is not that big of a deal.

Andy · Ron:It's, like, about lame werewolves and vampires and stuff. Donna likes those things. Dollars to donuts this points us her way.

Andy · April:Babe. You had a crush on me. That's embarrassing. We're married. Still.

Ron · Andy · April:To the shoeshine stand! Ooh! Chase me. Stop.

Andy · April:'Hi Andy, I hate people, but you are okay. It's weird. Woof, woof. April.'

Andy · April:My God, babe, you were so into me. That's hilarious. We're married. Still.

Andy:Andy uses the word 'postulence' — 'Really makes you consider the postulence of time.'

Andy:Andy: 'Before I die, I'm freezing my head like Ted Williams. Wait a thousand years, thaw it out, slap it on a robot, keep on balling.'

Andy:Andy asks: 'Was he killed by a younger, stronger barber?'

Andy:"'Anything is possible if you follow your dreams.' Johnny Karate. Except getting a swing fixed."

Andy · Donna:Andy showing Donna a photo of himself DJing a boat party in Venezuela — "Kind of reminded me of the two weeks you and I spent there. Oh, yeah. That happened."

Leslie · April · Andy:"One last journey to the weirdest place on earth? Yes." / "Shotgun! W-we're just taking the elevator." / "I get to push the buttons! I called it!"

Andy:Andy's Pawnee food farewell: 'I'm gonna miss the food in Pawnee — Taco Bell-KFC, Pizza Hut.'

April · Andy:April and Andy's Janet Snakehole / Burt Macklin Halloween roleplay — 'Damn it, Macklin! I love it when you take charge! I must have you. I know it's against protocol, but make love to me, you fool! You animal!'

April · Andy:Trick-or-treaters interrupt the Snakehole/Macklin roleplay — Andy realizes they ate all the candy

Andy:Andy's case for having children: 'Yes, I would love all the awesome stuff my body would go through. I mean, if all it meant was puking and getting weird stretch marks and veins everywhere, then sign me up. But at the end, we've brought a child into the world. That's disgusting.'

Andy:"I want a little April... Or even a little... Boy April."

Andy:'No. They wipe all of the disgusting stuff off of it immediately.' — Andy defending newborns

Leslie · April · Andy:Leslie's costume: 'I am Sandra Dee... O'Connor. Get it? Sandra Dee plus Sandra Day O'Connor?' / 'Who's Sandra Dee?' / 'Who's Sandra Day O'Connor?'

Ben · Andy:Ben lures Andy to the kitchen 'to give him a hand' — Andy is impressed by this as 'secret agent stuff'

Andy:Andy's story about crying at children playing: 'I almost started crying. Granted, I'd just face-planted on my rollerblades. That's what they were laughing at.'

Andy · April:Andy's birth mix playing 'Monster Mash' during labor contractions

Andy · April:Naming the baby: 'Burt Macklin Jr.?' / 'We need a Halloween angle. How about Demon Spawn Baby Satan Dwyer?' / 'Or, uh... Maybe Burt Snakehole Ludgate Karate Dracula Macklin Demon Jack-o'-Lantern Dwyer? We call him Jack for short?'

Andy · Doctor:Andy trying to bribe/Liam-Neeson the doctor into changing the birth certificate to show Halloween instead of November 1st

Andy:Andy delivers the 'Taken' monologue to a doctor to get a birth certificate changed, verbatim

Andy · Chris:Andy confuses Chris for 'Chip Traeger': 'Well, there he is. Chip Traeger, you old son of a gun.' / 'Andy, it's Chris.' / 'Is it? Huh.'

Ron · Andy · April:Ron examining baby Jack: 'Doctor said he has a remarkably large head. Just like his old man.' / 'Yeah, we know what that means — More smart room for it.'

Andy · April:Andy's character choice dilemma: 'Hey, babe, for this picture, should I be Burt Macklin, Johnny Karate, or my new character, Sergeant Thunderfist, M.D.?' / 'Where did you get that?' / 'Found it in a sandbox.' / 'Ew!'