Sweet Sixteen

Ann:Do you want the campaign posters to say 'Vote Leslie Knope' or 'Leslie Knope for City Council'?

Leslie:Ann, those posters aren't just about words on paper. They're a clarion call to the citizens of Pawnee, a rallying cry that echoes through the streets like a majestic eagle soaring over the Grand Canyon at sunset, reminding every man, woman, and child that there is hope, there is possibility, and there is Leslie Knope.

Ann:I need you to Herbie Hancock this for me.

Leslie:Outside.

Leslie:Look, the campaign finance rules are actually a great opportunity for us to focus on grassroots organizing and authentic community engagement instead of spending money on ads and—you know what? This is insane. We're going to lose. We're going to lose so badly.

Leslie:Okay April, this is going to be so fun! We're going to play a game where you follow these rules. Rule one: you have to smile. Rule two: you have to say nice things. Rule three: you have to participate in team building activities.

April:Leslie, that's not a game, that's just... your life.

Leslie:No, no, no! It IS a game because I made up rules! See? Rule four: if you break any of the other rules, you have to do the rules again, but this time while thinking about how fun it is!

April:You're describing a psychological nightmare.

April:Oh wow, a game about municipal government? That sounds absolutely thrilling. I can't wait to spend my evening learning about zoning permits and budget allocations.

Leslie:Right? I know, it's so much fun!

April:Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and hang up now.

Ron:Leslie, you're overworked. You need to delegate more.

Leslie:You're right, Ron. So I'm starting a new department: The Department of Delegation Oversight and Management. D.D.O.M. We'll meet every morning at 6 AM to discuss delegation strategies.

Ron:That's the opposite of what I said.

Leslie:I know! Isn't it great?

Leslie:It's not the same sweater! I have several identical sweaters.

Ron:There's a Cheeto dust stain in the exact same spot on the shoulder. You've worn the same sweater four days in a row.

Leslie:No, no, no, it's not dirty, it's vintage. And these aren't stains, they're... they're artisanal candy accents. Very European. Very now.

Ron:Leslie, I think you should take a sabbatical.

Leslie:Well, Ron, I appreciate you saying that. And I'm glad we both agree that I'm indispensable to this office. Thank you for the apology.

Ron:I didn't apologize.

Leslie:Ron, Ron, Ron. We've both said some things. The important thing is we've worked through it and we're moving forward together.

Tom:I got this gift for the most beautiful girl in Pawnee.

Ann:Tom, that's so sweet!

Tom:Wait... you're standing right here.

Ann:Wait, why do we have to wear matching hats? That's so gendered.

Tom:Ann, cupcake, I'm declaring my independence from hat-based gender norms.

Ann:Tom, whatever you're about to say, don't.

Tom:I was just gonna say we should have intercourse.

Tom:Ann doesn't like the hats? But I specifically designed them to be cool. They're like what Samuel L. Jackson would wear to the Latin Grammys if he went to the Latin Grammys, which he won't, because he's not Latin.

April:I'm not good at giving relationship advice because I don't actually care about anyone.

Chris:His name is Champion. He's a very good boy. Sehr guter Junge.

Chris:I'm fluent in German.

Ben:Really? Say something in German.

Chris:Uh... Die Bratwurst ist sehr lecker.

Ben:That's... that's just about sausage.

Chris:Yes. I am fluent in German sausage.

Chris:Champion is a mixed breed. A lot of people might call him a mutt, but I prefer to think of him as a dog with a very diverse genetic portfolio. He's got a little bit of everything - German Shepherd, Labrador, some Collie maybe. It's like he's a living metaphor for the beautiful diversity of the canine world.

Chris:I've been studying German, and I want to impress you with my knowledge of dog-related vocabulary.

Chris:The German word for dog is 'hund.' A puppy is 'welpe.' And a really good boy is 'sehr guter hund.'

Chris:But here's where it gets interesting. If you combine the words, you get 'hundewelpeseHrguterhund,' which is technically one word in German.

Chris:It means 'a dog puppy that is very good and also respects fitness routines and has perfect posture.'

Chris:You just sit around all day doing nothing, eating terrible food, not exercising, completely disregarding your health and responsibilities.

Andy:I know! Isn't it great?

Jerry:My birthday is February 29th. I was born on leap day.

Jerry:So technically, I've only had twelve real birthdays.

Jerry:I went to this place called Cakey J's Cheesecake Facility for my birthday.

Jerry:So I had the most incredible birthday celebration. We started by going skydiving, then we went to this exclusive nightclub where I danced until 3 AM, then we went to this five-star restaurant and had the most amazing meal of my life, and then... we went to bed early.

Leslie:So if Jerry was born on a leap day, he'd only have a birthday every four years. Let me think... if he's 61...

April:He's 15.

Leslie:What? No, April, that's not even close.

April:We should throw him a Sweet 16 party. With a limo and those sashes.

Leslie:Jerry might be retired or dead in four years.

April:I'm starting a betting pool on when Jerry dies.

Donna:Fine. You can use my lake house. But I'm warning you, my family is cold. Not emotionally—we're very warm. I mean literally cold. We don't believe in heating. It's a waste of money and it builds character.

Donna:That's the sound of the ice maker. And that's the sound of me denying you access to it.

Tom:Wait, is that... Ginuwine memorabilia? Why do you have all this?

Donna:He's my cousin.

Tom:Your cousin? Ginuwine is your cousin?

Donna:Yeah. We don't really talk about it.

Tom:Ginuwine. The R&B singer. He's only one of the greatest artists of all time.

Andy:I don't know who that is.

Tom:Ginuwine. Ginuwine the Pony Boy. He sings 'Pony.' The song 'Pony.'

Andy:Still not ringing a bell.

Tom:How do you not know Ginuwine?! Ginuwine! GI-NU-WINE!

Andy:Is he a food?

Tom:No! He's Ginuwine! The artist! Ginuwine!

Tom:Look, I have some dealbreakers. You need to have seen all of The Wire. You need to understand the cultural significance of the original Ghostbusters. And you need to know that the second Die Hard movie isn't a Christmas movie.

Chris:Merkel!

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you just use the German Chancellor's name as a dog command?

Chris:Well, yes. In Germany, we use 'Merkel' to—

Andy:That's incredible.

Leslie:I'm multitasking like a boss! I can handle the budget report AND eat this sandwich at the same time.

Leslie:See? Nailed it. I'm basically a superhero.

Ben:Leslie, you just dropped the entire sandwich on the budget report.

Leslie:Well... I guess I'm eating crow now. Literally, if this is what I think it is.

Leslie:I planned the perfect surprise party! The decorations are amazing, the food is catered by the best restaurant in town, the DJ is playing all the right songs, and—

Ben:Leslie, where's Tom?

Leslie:What do you mean where's Tom? He's... he's...

Ann:Did you invite him?

Leslie:I... I was so focused on making everything perfect that I forgot to actually invite him.

Leslie:I can multitask. I'm doing it right now. I'm listening to you, and I'm also mentally preparing my acceptance speech for when I'm named Indiana's first female governor.

Tom:So these sheets are 1000 thread count?

Ann:Yes, that's the minimum for quality sheets.

Tom:And you're telling me these are the cheapest sheets you could find?

Ann:Well, I... yes. These are literally the cheapest sheets at Target.

Tom:Ann, you don't have a smartphone, you don't use email, you refuse to go on social media... You're a monster.

Tom:She likes to go hiking, I like to stay indoors and online shop for women's boots. She's a morning person, I'm a night owl. She wants to have kids, I want to have more pairs of women's boots than my girlfriend.

April:Tom and Ann are fighting again. Something about his restaurant idea and her job. I don't know. I stopped listening after 'We need to talk.' That's when I discovered this bottle of wine behind my desk that I don't remember buying. Best discovery since I found out how to block people on Facebook.

Jerry:Leslie, Ron, come in here!

Leslie:Jerry, what's going on?

Ron:Gail, we're coming in.

Jerry:I'm in here! In the bathroom!

Leslie:Oh my God!

Ron:What in...

Jerry:What? What's the problem? I'm just taking a bath.

Leslie:Jerry, we can see you. You're... you're completely naked.

Jerry:Well yes, Leslie, that's how one takes a bath.

Ron:Why did you call us in here?

Jerry:I didn't call you in here. You called me and said you were coming over. So I was getting ready.

Jerry:Did you lose a senior in the woods again?

Andy:He's a good boy. He knows to stay close.

Andy:See? Total obedience. Champion, come!

Andy:Champion? Champion!

Leslie:So the sign company just printed whatever was in the email without checking it.

Walter:Let me read this back to you: W-W-W dot parks and rec dot gov slash events slash harvest festival underscore two thousand twelve.

Leslie:Yes, that's the website—

Walter:Hold on. There's more. Backslash admin backslash uploads backslash documents backslash.

Leslie:Walter, you don't need to read every single—

Walter:I'm almost done. P-D-F question mark session equals one-seven-three-four-five-six.

Ann:Tom, you can't just modify your car like this. It's ridiculous.

Tom:Ridiculous? Ann, I've added racing stripes, a spoiler, and underglow lighting. I'm basically Ryan Gosling now.

Ann:Ryan Gosling doesn't drive around with a neon sign that says 'Treat Yo' Self' on the back.

Tom:That's because he hasn't thought of it yet. When he does, he'll wish he was me.

Ann:You're always trying to get out of work, you're constantly making everything about money, and you never listen to what anyone else is saying.

Tom:Thank you. I've been working on those things.

Jerry:They forgot my medication.

Leslie:Well, Jerry, you should have anticipated being kidnapped from your bath and planned accordingly.

Jerry:Surprise!

Jerry:Oh no, where is everyone? It's midnight.

Jerry:And Champion's gone. He ran away.

Andy:Champion! Come back, boy! Champion, champion, champion... you're the best dog in the... in the... *voice cracks* ...I don't know what rhymes with champion.

Andy:Wait, Champion came to my voice?

Chris:Actually, I've been using this dog whistle the whole time.

Andy:A dog whistle? Chris!

Tom:Jerry, you've been such a good friend to me over the years. And tonight, I want to celebrate you by talking about something that's really important to me: my relationship with Lucy. We've decided on a couple name. We're going to be Tomcy. It's Tom and Lucy combined. Tomcy.

Tom:I've been working on our couple name. Are you ready? Tann. T-Ann.

Ann:That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Donna:I'd like to propose a toast. First of all, no shoes on the furniture. Second, all dishes must be washed immediately after use. Third, quiet hours are from 10 PM to 8 AM. Fourth, if you're going to use the last of the milk, you replace it. And finally, under no circumstances are you to touch my things in the refrigerator.

Ron:Jerry, you're a good man. And I say that with the utmost sincerity.

Ron:You show up to work every day, you do your job, and you don't complain. Well, you do complain, but not as much as you could.

Ron:So, Jerry... you're not the worst.

Chris:I have so much to be thankful for. My health, my friends, my family. But I'm also grateful for some of the smaller things in life. Like the fact that I can touch my nose with my tongue. And that I've never broken a bone. And that I can name all the US state capitals in alphabetical order.

Andy:Oh no, oh no, oh no. April's asleep on me. If I move, she'll wake up. If I don't move, I'll be stuck here for hours.

Chris:Just enjoy the moment, Andy.

Andy:Easy for you to say! You're not the one slowly losing feeling in your arm!

Ron:I have a dream of working with cow leather before and after it was on the cow.

Ron:I had three jobs by the time I was in middle school. I was working at a sawmill, I had a small firearms manufacturing operation in my garage, and I was doing carpentry on the side.

Leslie:That's incredible. How old were you?

Ron:Eleven.

Tom · Ann · April:Fine with me. / Fine, fine. / Oh, April. / I'm drunk. You made me drunk, you made me drunk, and you--

April:I hate them.

Andy:I know. And that's what makes you so great.

Jerry:Wait, are you sending me to Muncie?

Leslie:How did you... I mean, yes. How did you know that?

Jerry:Lucky guess.

Leslie:I am genuinely shocked that you correctly identified the least glamorous destination in Indiana on your first try.

Party guests · Jerry:Surprise! / Oh, what the [bleep]?

Jerry · Leslie:Where the hell is everybody? / Well, it got so late. We just weren't sure you were still coming. Everybody's either in bed or out looking for Champion.

Leslie:We are gonna throw Jerry an amazing Sweet 16 surprise party no matter how agonizing it is for all of us.

Chris:I have an organic, gluten-free soy bone for you.

Andy:Yeah, it was really good. I was gonna give it to Champion, but it just — it looked so yummy.

Andy:I feel naked without it, okay.

Andy:Andy improvises a song to call Champion back: '### Champion, you're lost / and soon you'll be found / I rescued you from the pound, / something something / oh man / on the ground / get on out of here ###'

Chris:Dog whistle.

April:Dog whistle. [April holds up a dog whistle after Champion returns to Andy's singing]

April:Why is your arm around her? I broke you up.

Tom · April:Yeah, when we were carrying you to bed, you correctly pointed out that we were arguing about stuff that was stupid. / I'm drunk. Don't listen to me, no.

Leslie:Okay, I want everyone to go around and tell their favorite Jerry story. / A positive one.

Tom:Jerry, today is your birthday, but it's about much more than that. It's also about Ann and I getting back together and being the hottest couple in Pawnee. I'd also like to announce our official relationship mash-up name. It's 'Tan.' To Tan.

Leslie · Group:I would like to announce that the name Tan is officially over. / To the end of Tan.

Donna:I would like to address the fact that rule number seven says 'no pets,' and yet there is a three-legged animal in my living room.

Ron:Jerry's work is often adequate.

Ron:Ron's pause after 'Jerry's work is often adequate' — he nods slightly, as if he's said everything that needed to be said.

Chris:Jerry, I'll go. Jerry has a wife and three beautiful daughters — a full life — and that's amazing. April and Andy have Champion, and that's amazing. I have a stepbrother who lives in London and 2.8% body fat.

Ben · Tom · Ann:Guys... guys... What do I do? I mean, she's asleep. / You probably should just sit there and not move. She's really tired. Just a few hours.

Ron · Ben:Is this all the eggs we have? / Yes. / What are you making? / Eggs.

Leslie · Jerry:Surprise! / Oh, God. What happened? / Well, you slept with Jerry last night.

Leslie:Morning surprise parties are always the best.

Ron:I used to work in a sheet metal factory, but then a job came along at the tannery. The hours were better, and I would get paid. Also I'd have the chance to work with leather both before and after it was on the cow, which had always been a dream of mine.

Ron:I was so tired, I tried to puncture an eight-gauge aluminum foil with a leather awl.

Ron:Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

Leslie · Ron:Deal. / 15. / 10. / Deal.

April:Ugh, I can't believe I got them back together. Now they're always gonna want to come talk to me about stuff.

Andy · April:They want to talk to you because you're important to them. / Yes, but I hate them. / I know you do, sweetheart.

Andy · April:Oh, hey, I told Chris he can borrow Champion whenever. / Andy, he's kissing me.

Leslie · Jerry:We are sending you and Gayle to a B&B in your favorite place in the world. / Muncie? / Amazingly, yes. Muncie, Indiana.

Jerry · Leslie · Ben:Thank you, guys. It was really expensive. / Oh, campaign. / Take it.