Campaign Shake Up

When I say your names, I want you to respond. Dylan. Well, Newport's poll numbers have been plummeting.

[Laughs] That's a hilarious image. A foot in a mouth. It's a common expression. Okay.

He's like a brilliant, sexy, little hummingbird.

What did you just say? Nothing. Keep up the good work. You're doing great. [Chuckles]

The 'grond' father, he's like-- It doesn't matter. He's important, and he's old.

Please don't get up. Don't worry. I can't. Just joking. I can get up. But it's difficult. But I can do it, but it is hard.

Look, I don't have a lot of time. Oh, God. I'm so sorry. Is it... cancer? No, I don't have a lot of time before my swim aerobics.

Not enough ramps is the number three complaint among Pawnee seniors... Right behind 'everything hurts' and 'I'm dying.'

Great exercise, and it literally lets me see the world from a different perspective.

The world's my gymnasium, Ron. But I will stop if it makes you uncomfortable. Could you hold me while I dismount?

I work hard to make sure my department is as small and ineffective as possible.

Reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my sixth birthday. I couldn't choose, so I slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious.

Like I always say, stairs are a young man's game.

You have the same name, Leslie. He lost a third of his body in a motorcycle accident. The middle third. But they sutured the hell out of him. He's fine now. Much shorter, but a good-looking, young, flat man.

I told her sorry. I don't talk politics after dinner.

She's eating egg salad with Colin Powell. That's the most impressive thing I've ever seen.

As a candidate, I appreciate your strategic mind, but as woman, all I care about is your slight but powerful body.

This is the first time you've said my entire name correctly.

Kiss one water-fountain drinker, you're kissing everyone in Pawnee. Including him.

Hello, Marta. We would like our regular table, but we want you to set it up a little fancier than normal because we're trying to impress someone. You mean Ms. Barkley. She's already here. Last booth.

Bobby Newport's daddy called me out of the blue. I'd never heard of Bobby Newport before, but it became clear in two seconds this guy is a moron. So I was, like, 'sorry, Nick. Your son is a moron. There's no way.' Then he offered me a crazy amount of money.

Do you know Joe Biden? Oh, mm-hmm. He's on my celebrity sex list. Well, he is my celebrity sex list. Oh, trust me. You can do better than Joe. [Laughing] Oh, no. I don't-- I don't think I can.

I'm Leslie Knope and when I grow up, I want to be a unicorn princess or a city councilor. Wrong. Not in my town, kid. City council's a real job for a real adult.

And I should listen to you always because you are a man genius with a taut, narrow frame like a sexy, elf king.

Do you wish I were taller or-- what's going on?

Andy is our official water-fountain tester.

Full disclosure. Ann and I are romantically intertwined. Oh, God. So let's not be surprised if she picks my idea.

This... is the Voss Water Butler by Tumi. And only $600 a bag.

Do I look like I drink water?

Yoo-hoo. I'm over here. Just about to start my presentation. I-- uh-oh, stairs. What do I do? How do I get from here to there? I'm not a professional mountain climber.

Ramps are an idiot's game. This is nothing more than a worse version of Bobby Newport's plan.

Why don't we just turn up the pressure? That way you don't have to put your mouth so close. All right, here we go. Ah, stop! Honey, I'm sorry. That'll teach you to pay attention.

Oh, my-- dude, what the hell?

Help, everything I'm wearing is suede! Everything I'm wearing is suede, everything I'm wearing is suede!

Kamikaze! Oh. [Laughs]

He's making out with some floozy in Majorca. Sorry, I wish I was better at this. Then you could be making out with some floozy in Majorca.

We may be in for a good, old-fashioned shake-up.

You two-faced, carpetbagging-- Hi, Leslie. Good to see you. Hi, nice to see you, too. You are a two-faced, carpet-- You want anything? Anything? It's on me.

Let me get my insults out. I've been practicing it the whole way over here.

Water balloon fight. Fair enough.

I think Ben's already filling the Leslie void. Oh! Oh! I'll give it up for that.

It's 'Perd,' first of all, and no. Maybe. No. That's not a terrible idea.

JJ's doesn't have a cappuccino maker. Oh, it does now. I bought them one. Course you did.

Or maybe she thinks that we think that she thinks that, so we won't do it. But she knows that I know that she knows that-- She's in our heads.

Because she's April, and she doesn't want you to think that she actually cares about something.

Oh, you're still here? Yes.

I don't know where she went the first time.

And that woman that he is with is an antiland-mine advocate. I didn't realize that you were proland-mine.

I am not here to declare a winner, but Jennifer is the winner.

I am going to get drunk, and then I'm going to order a three-course meal where each course is made of dessert.

Oh, that thing I said on the show? Oh, no. That was mostly made-up. Don't challenge me on that. That will backfire.

I don't want to do things. I want to not do things, just like you taught me.

Okay... But only because you begged.