Campaign Shake Up

News Host:When I call your name, I'd like you to respond.

Dylan:Well, I think what we're seeing here is a fundamental shift in the political landscape. The establishment is crumbling, and we need real change, not just empty rhetoric from Washington elites.

News Host:Dylan?

Dylan:Exactly. The system is broken.

Dylan:Wait, he literally put his foot in his mouth? Like, his actual foot? In his actual mouth?

Other Character:No, it's just an expression. It means he said something he shouldn't have.

Dylan:Oh. Right. Yeah, I knew that.

Leslie:You're like a sexy hummingbird. Your campaign management is so fast and precise, it's almost impossible to see what you're doing. And also, I want to mount you on my wall.

Ben:Did you just say something about hummingbirds?

Leslie:What? No. I said... humming birds are very... efficient. Anyway, did you see that thing on TV?

Leslie:I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse... to join our senior center activities program. No, that doesn't work. You're old and you should come to the senior center.

Leslie:Oh no, please don't get up!

Ned:Well, I appreciate that, because honestly, my hip hasn't been the same since I fell off the roof in '94. And even before that, my knees were acting up from all the years I spent kneeling in my garden. Plus, I've got this thing with my lower back that my doctor says might be sciatica, or it could be arthritis, or possibly just gas. I won't know until I get the results back from my specialist, who, by the way, is very hard to get an appointment with because he only works Tuesdays and Thursdays, and even then he's usually booked up for three months in advance...

Leslie:...okay.

Ned:I don't have a lot of time.

Leslie:Oh my God, are you dying?

Ned:No, I have swim class in twenty minutes.

Leslie:Okay, so we have complaints about the potholes on Elm Street, the lack of adequate lighting in the park, and... 'Why do we even exist? What is the point of anything?'

Chris:You know, when you're upside down like this, everything looks different. Your whole perspective changes.

Chris:It's like life. Sometimes you need to flip yourself upside down to see things clearly.

Chris:Ron, a little help here?

Ron:I'm not going to help you. You did this to yourself.

Chris:But I'm upside down!

Ron:I know.

Chris:Ron, why is the Parks department so understaffed?

Ron:I've been systematically eliminating positions for years. Government doesn't work, so I'm making sure it doesn't work efficiently.

Ron:This reminds me of a choice I had to make as a child. My father said I could either take a job at the mill or join the circus. I chose the mill.

Ron:Turns out the circus was a front for a counterfeiting operation. The mill exploded six months later, killing my supervisor. I was the only survivor because I was in the bathroom reading a book about woodworking.

Ron:So you see, either choice would have led to tremendous loss. This situation is no different.

Leslie:You know what they say: 'A ramp a day keeps the wheelchair away.' No, that's not a real saying, I just made that up. But it should be.

Ned:Leslie reminds me of my brother.

Leslie:That's sweet!

Ned:Well, he lost his torso in a woodchipper accident, but he's fine.

Leslie:He lost his torso?

Ned:Yeah, but he's doing great. He's got a prosthetic torso now. Titanium. He's stronger than ever.

Ben:A meeting at 5pm? That's... that's when normal people eat dinner. We should probably offer them a beverage. Maybe some small plates?

Ben:I'll have my assistant send over some artisanal cheeses. It's only polite.

Leslie:Wait, is that Colin Powell? Oh my God, Jennifer Barkley knows Colin Powell? That's incredible! She's so connected, she's like the most powerful woman in the world. Look at them together. They're like two titans of industry and politics just... standing there. Wait, what's that on the plate? Is that egg salad? Oh no. Why would you serve egg salad to Colin Powell? That's the kind of thing that could derail someone's entire career.

Leslie:You're really organized and efficient. Your binders are color-coded and your desk is immaculate.

Leslie:Also, those khakis really bring out your calves.

Chris:Hello, Ann Perkins

Ann:Chris, you never say my full name like that. This is a rare occurrence.

Ann:This water fountain is disgusting. People put their mouths all over it.

Ann:It's like a kissing chain.

Ann:And you're at the end of it.

Leslie:We need your fanciest table. We're impressing a very important visitor.

Waitress:Oh, you mean the person you've been talking about non-stop for the past hour?

Leslie:Yes! How did you—

Waitress:You told me. Twice. And everyone at the bar heard you.

Jennifer:I walked into the interview and told them I had no experience. Then the owner's son came in, and I just looked at him and said, 'Your son's a moron.' He laughed, hired me on the spot.

Leslie:My celebrity sex list? It's just Joe Biden. All ten spots.

Jennifer:Leslie, you need to stop acting like a child and start taking responsibility for your actions.

Leslie:I am taking responsibility! I'm literally a grown woman running for office!

Jennifer:Well, the attack ad makes you look like you're eight years old.

Leslie:I know! That's why it's so unfair!

Leslie:You're right, that's a great strategy. You're like a sexy elf king who knows all the secret paths through the forest of municipal governance.

Ben:I have no idea what that means.

Leslie:It means you're smart and attractive and I trust you completely.

Leslie:You have really nice feet.

Ben:Thank you? I... I'm not sure how to respond to that.

Ann:We need to test the fountain to make sure it's safe for public use.

Andy:I'll do it!

Andy:Mmm, refreshing!

Tom:I have a conflict of interest.

Ann:Oh my God.

Tom:I've created the perfect solution to our water fountain problem. Introducing Aqua Cognac — it's a luxury water imported from France, infused with essence of caviar and a hint of gold leaf. At just $400 a bottle, it's the most practical choice for our parks department.

Donna:I don't drink water. I'm not a camel.

Leslie:As you can see, the stairs present a significant accessibility challenge. Watch as I demonstrate the harrowing journey.

Leslie:Step one. Step two. Step three. I may not make it out alive.

Leslie:I'm losing feeling in my legs. The air is getting thinner. I can see the light at the top, but it seems so far away.

Leslie:Made it.

Leslie Knope:And that concludes my presentation on the ramp accessibility initiative.

Jennifer:Thank you, Leslie. However, Newport's plan is far superior to what you've presented here.

Jerry:What if we increased the water pressure in the town fountains? It would save money on maintenance.

Ann:Jerry, that's a terrible idea.

Andy:Why? What could possibly go wrong?

Jerry:Exactly! It's foolproof.

Andy:Aaahhh!

Ann:I told you so.

Andy:Whoa! Ah! Oh man!

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not the Tom Ford! This is a $3,000 suit!

Tom:I will end you! I will end all of you!

Andy:I'm about to make a dramatic entrance!

Andy:*trips and falls*

Leslie:Bobby Newport is in Cancun right now. Cancun! While we're here working our butts off.

Ben:Well, hey. I may not have gotten you to Cancun, but I did get you this amazing relationship with a guy who knows how to manage a budget and execute a detailed strategic plan.

Leslie:That's true.

Ben:So really, you won.

Ron:I have no notes.

Leslie:Jennifer, I came here to tell you exactly what I think of you and your—

Jennifer:Oh Leslie, I love that blouse on you.

Leslie:Thank you. I mean—no! That's not— You can't just compliment me! I was going to say you're inconsiderate and you don't care about anyone but—

Jennifer:Is that a new haircut? It's really flattering.

Leslie:It is, and I appreciate that, but you need to stop because I'm very angry at you for—for the way you—

Jennifer:You know what? You should run for office. You'd be amazing.

Leslie:I'm already in office. But thank you. Wait, no—focus, Leslie. The point is you're selfish and you—

Jennifer:And you're probably the most dedicated person I've ever met.

Leslie:I'm leaving. This isn't working. You're too nice and I can't stay mad at you.

Leslie:I had a whole thing prepared. I was going to come in here and really let you have it. I practiced it in the mirror this morning, in the car, in the bathroom at work...

Ann:It's not a brainstorming session, Chris. It's a hands-on demonstration of proper workplace conduct.

Chris:Oh. Well, that sounds even better.

Tom:Hey, hey, hey. Ben and Leslie filling that position together? That's gonna be a tight fit.

Jennifer:What's your strategy here?

Leslie:Well, I'm going to be very calm and collected.

Leslie:I'm also going to be aggressive and assertive.

Leslie:But mostly I'll just listen and be thoughtful.

Leslie:While also taking charge and being decisive.

Jennifer:I just popped into a restaurant supply store and bought some fancy espresso machine.

Leslie:Of course you did.

Ben:So Jennifer's clearly trying to outmaneuver us by anticipating what we think she thinks we're doing, which means we need to anticipate what she thinks we anticipate...

Ben:Unless she's anticipating that we're anticipating her anticipation, in which case we should...

Leslie:She's just trying to get the contract, Ben.

Chris:Why would April give you credit for that?

Andy:Oh, well, April doesn't like to be the center of attention. She prefers to work behind the scenes. Plus, she knows that if people think I did something good, they'll be surprised, which makes them happy. And when people are happy, they're less likely to bother her.

Chris:That's... actually pretty insightful.

Andy:I know, right? April's rubbed off on me.

Chris:Should I go?

April:Yes.

Jennifer:There she goes again

Perd:Where? I don't see anyone going anywhere. Is someone leaving the room?

Perd:So you're saying Leslie Knope is Newport's... what, exactly? Some kind of official companion?

Jennifer:Well, she advocates for the town's interests and—

Perd:A companion. Which means she's paid to spend time with Newport. So Newport has a prostitute.

Perd Hapley:I pride myself on my objectivity and neutrality as a journalist.

Perd Hapley:And that is why I'm declaring Leslie Knope the clear winner of this debate.

Leslie:Okay, I've got a plan. First, I'm going to have a large glass of wine.

Leslie:Then I'm going to have another large glass of wine.

Leslie:Then I'm going to go to Sweetums and buy every single dessert they have.

Leslie:I'm talking cakes, pies, cookies, brownies, frozen yogurt, ice cream, candy, chocolate-covered pretzels, and gummy bears dipped in more chocolate.

Leslie:And then I'm going to sit on my couch and eat it all while watching old episodes of Twilight Zone until I pass out.

Leslie Knope:Wait, so you lied on television?

Jennifer Barkley:Of course I did. It's called spin, Leslie. And if you ever call me out on it again, I will destroy you.

Ron:April, I'd like you to take on more responsibility around here.

April:Ron, didn't you once tell me that the government should do as little as possible?

Ron:Well, yes, but—

April:I'm just following your philosophy. Minimal effort, maximum efficiency.

Ron:April, I'm asking you nicely. Will you please help me with this?

April:You're begging. I need you to understand that you're begging me. I'm going to help you, but I need you to know that you're on your knees right now, metaphorically speaking.

Leslie Knope · Jennifer Barkley:Jennifer Barkley, you two-faced, carpetbagging-- / Hi, Leslie. Good to see you. / Hi, nice to see you, too. You are a two-faced, carpet--

Leslie Knope:Let me get my insults out. I've been practicing it the whole way over here.

Jennifer Barkley:Everything in this town is so cheap.

Leslie Knope · Jennifer Barkley:- How do you know that-- / It's my job to know. / [Whispers] God, you're good. / I know.

Ann Perkins · Chris Traeger:Water balloon fight. / Fair enough.

Chris Traeger · Tom Haverford:If your team keeps this up, I think we can hold off on filling the Leslie void. / I think Ben's already filling the Leslie void.

Jennifer Barkley:Oh, let me guess. Um, you're going to attack me. You're going to go on that perm show again, so you could tell everyone that that ramp idea was yours.

Leslie Knope:It's 'Perd,' first of all, and no. / Maybe. No.

Jennifer Barkley:If you love chess, which I do, but you don't have anybody to play against, which I don't, then sometimes, you just gotta play yourself.

Jennifer Barkley:No, but that would backfire because then we would just say, 'you can never spend too much on seniors.'

Leslie Knope · Jennifer Barkley · Ben Wyatt:JJ's doesn't have a cappuccino maker. / Oh, it does now. I bought them one. / Course you did.

Ben Wyatt · Leslie Knope:You talked to Barkley without me? / I wanted to tell her what a jerk she was. / And then she guessed your plan immediately and demolished it.

Ben Wyatt · Leslie Knope:Or maybe she thinks that we think that she thinks that, so we won't do it. But she knows that I know that she knows that-- / She's in our heads.

Ben Wyatt:I'm sorry, Leslie. She's better at this than I am.

April Ludgate:Why are we on this bench? This is weird.

Ben Wyatt · Chris Traeger:I didn't solve that problem. April did. / Really? Why did she tell me you did? / Because she's April, and she doesn't want you to think that she actually cares about something.

April Ludgate · Chris Traeger:Should I go? / Oh, you're still here? Yes.

Perd Hapley:Let's begin the show by starting it.

Perd Hapley:I don't know where she went the first time.

Jennifer Barkley:Bobby Newport cares about better, not cheaper for our seniors.

Leslie Knope:It's certainly not here. And I think Pawneeans deserve a city councilor who stays in the city, like I do.

Jennifer Barkley:I didn't realize that you were proland-mine.

Leslie Knope · Perd Hapley · Jennifer Barkley:What Bobby Newport cares about is romping around on some beach in Spain with a floozy. / [Laughs] Excuse me? / Oh, maybe you hadn't heard of it. It wasn't in the New York Times or Le Monde, which is what she reads.

Perd Hapley:I am not here to declare a winner, but Jennifer is the winner.

Leslie Knope:I am going to get drunk, and then I'm going to order a three-course meal where each course is made of dessert.

Jennifer Barkley · Leslie Knope · Ben Wyatt:Hi, guys. / You really stepped up your game. That was really fun. You almost got me. / I would have if Bobby Newport hadn't gotten those stupid companies to build factories here. / What are you talking about? / Oh, that thing I said on the show? Oh, no. That was mostly made-up.

Jennifer Barkley:Don't challenge me on that. That will backfire.

Leslie Knope · Ben Wyatt:Another round, please?

Ron Swanson · April Ludgate:Nice job on the water fountain. / It wasn't me. / Don't deny it. I know it wasn't the nurse.

April Ludgate:I don't want to do things. I want to not do things, just like you taught me.

Ron Swanson:And I taught you well, but I don't like watching you wasting your brain. And you're too smart to stay my assistant here forever. I'd rather you start a business or use your hands to farm, but right now, the department needs you.

Ron Swanson:And I taught you well, but I don't like watching you wasting your brain. You're too smart to stay my assistant here forever. I'd rather you start a business or use your hands to farm, but right now, the department needs you.

April Ludgate:Okay... But only because you begged.

Ron Swanson · April Ludgate:Please. / Okay... but only because you begged. / Good girl.

Ron Swanson · Chris Traeger:This is Ron Swanson. April's going to take over some of Leslie's responsibilities. / Excellent. I have been a fan of April since day one. I told--