Ron And Tammy

And I've come to the conclusion that I've completely wasted mine.

And just for the record, I never ever liked being called old Gus. I didn't understand it when I was in my 20's and I sure hate it now.

So go to hell, every single one of you. Screw Pawnee and screw your damn shoes.

Old Gus is classic.

April, stop that. Who are you texting? / You. / She's texting me.

Sorry you're bored.

Would you rather be able to fly or speak fluent French? Donna, go. / French.

Damn it! The library?

Pawnee's Library Department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang. But instead of shotguns and crystal meth, they use political savvy. And shushing.

News flash, we're screwed. We got a big problem with the library. Punk ass book jockeys.

It's the worst group of people ever assembled. They're mean, conniving, rude, and well read, which makes them very dangerous.

I actually think a library would be nice that close to my house. But I'm not about to say that in there.

Ron's ex-wife? / That's terrific. Or is that awful? / He hates her, but he knows her. / Everything's okay. Or is it just the same? / You're thinking out loud again. / Am I? I am.

Of course, that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. That is perfect. The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world.

Does she have any weaknesses? / What do you mean no? Everybody has one. / Not machines.

I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone from the future to come back and destroy all happiness.

On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side, so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell, one last time.

Would I get married again? Absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?

And in case something bad goes down, I wore my sharpest rings. This one will tear you up.

You have a lot of nerve showing your face here. / Excuse me? / You have overdue book fees totaling 3 dollars, Missy.

That is so typical. I should've known you'd use a low blow, dirty pool, B.S. move like that. That's why everybody hates the library. Here's your 3 dollars. See you in hell.

I was just kidding, dear God. You did have 3 dollars worth of fines, but I cleared them.

I know this is a trap but I don't know how.

I swear, I don't have cloven feet.

Shine, shine, shine your shoes? What do you say, sir? Ma'am, shoeshine? I won't look up your skirt.

Just trying the rat race. Chasing the cheese. Racing the rats. To get the cheese.

It is definitely due to... the economy. I've been hearing a lot of people say that a lot, about a lot of stuff.

I'm more than a friend of Ann's. / Not for long. / I'm sorry? / I don't know.

When we were dating, the only job he had was sending audition tapes to Survivor and Deal or no deal.

Hi, my name is Andy Dwyer, and I would be a perfect contestant for deal or no deal.

And off to the side, a lovely sitting area for kids with asthma to watch other kids play.

If I'd had a park like that when I was growing up, I probably wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall slut phase.

What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butt hole?

You slept with Brendanawicz?

We are oil and water. Or oil and TNT and C-4 and a detonator and a butane torch.

You opened the gates. To crazy town.

You've aged horribly. / You... son of a bitch.

Who set the bed on fire?

When you meddle in someone's personal life, it's just so... rewarding.

That is a beautiful sweater vest. You look like you could use $20. Am I right? 'Cause you're a kid and kids always need money.

When Tiger Woods feels invincible, he wears a red shirt and black pants. Ron wears the same thing after he had sex.

But this stock photo, I bought at a framing store, isn't real.

A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should've taken a picture of it.

That's a tough one. Break up with her and tell her to go out with me.

I've never taken the high road. But I tell other people to. 'Cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

Leslie, I can't thank you enough for sticking your nose where it didn't belong.

I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers began.

It's like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours.

She knows her way around a penis.

I can't even tell you how many of my exes' weddings I've been to.

Three fistfuls of hair? That's not even possible.

Well, I'm too classy to say I told you so, donna. So I wrote it on a post it.

But at the end of the day what does it matter if the lot becomes a park or a museum or a mega church? / Or a library. / Nobody said library.

More sex.

Les, there are two kinds of women in this world. There are women who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing and then there are women who are cool.

You could either be a Cleopatra or you could be an Eleanor Roosevelt. / What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt?

Haven't you ever messed with a man's head just to see what you could get him to do for you? We do it all the time in the library department.

I would never work at the library department.

We're no longer government gals.

She made some really good points about libraries.

Some people like libraries.

I'm so little.

We would just end up naked. And I'd give her your lot and my house and God knows what else.

You are Ron freakin' Swanson!

Not around her I'm not.

"I let Mark nail me and we're still friends." / I never... I would never use those words.

I'm on a break. One of the many advantages of owning your own business.

You know that's not your situation, right?

If you had to choose, who would you choose? Right now, on the spot. / I'm not sure. Why don't you spin around for me.

Ron brought you here to break up with me for him?

She volunteered.

Go to the sleaziest motel in town and wrap himself around me like a coiled snake.

Is punching allowed on the high road?

Fine, I had one dream, but no, no.

If I'm not down in 5 min, it's only because I'm receiving a pleasure so intense...

Andy and Ann's family shoeshine? I thought it had a nice ring to it.

Is part of your moustache missing? / Yes. / There's a push pin in your face. / Leave it in.

You didn't kill Tammy, did you? / I'm afraid she can't be killed.

Tammy is... a mean person. / Come on, you can do better than that. / She's a great A bitch.

Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of men.

But, you know, the worst thing about her, She works for the library.