Ron And Tammy

Old Gus:You know, I've been thinking about my time here, and I want to say something from the heart.

Old Gus:This job, this town, these people... they've meant everything to me.

Old Gus:But I gotta be honest with you all. I've wasted my whole life.

Old Gus:I should've traveled. I should've learned to dance. I should've told my ex-wife I was sorry.

Old Gus:Instead, I just sat around complaining about everything.

Old Gus:They've called me 'Old Gus' for fifty years.

Old Gus:I've always hated it, even when I was young.

Old Gus:I've been shining shoes in this town for forty-seven years. It's been an honor to serve you all.

Old Gus:But you know what? Nobody appreciates it. Nobody says thank you. You just walk in, drop your shoes like I'm some kind of servant.

Old Gus:My wife left me. My kids won't call. And for what? For what?!

Old Gus:These shoes! These cursed shoes! I've wasted my entire life on these shoes! To hell with these shoes! To hell with all of you!

Leslie:Well, that was... spirited!

Ben:I think he called us all 'incompetent weasels.'

Leslie:But in a fun way!

Leslie:April, are you texting during the meeting?

April:No.

Leslie:Then who are you texting?

April:Andy.

Leslie:Andy's sitting right there!

Andy:Yeah, it's faster than talking to her.

April:I was texting. I'm bored.

Leslie:Tom, I'm leaving you in charge. Keep this meeting productive.

Tom:You got it, Leslie. I'm on it.

Tom:Okay everyone, would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses?

Donna:Tom, what are you doing?

Tom:Keeping things productive. Now answer the question.

Leslie:The library? They filed for the library? No, no, no. Not the library. Anyone but the library. We could lose the rec center, the animal shelter, the old folks home—I mean, those would be tragedies, obviously—but the library? The library is sacred. The library is where knowledge lives. Where dreams are born. Where I lost my virginity!

Leslie:The library is a scary place. Librarians are like bikers, except instead of leather jackets and motorcycles, their weapons are the power of shushing.

Tom:Punk ass book jockeys.

Leslie:Librarians are the worst. They're always shushing people, they smell like old books, and they have an unhealthy relationship with due dates.

Leslie:But the most dangerous quality a librarian can have? Being 'well read.' Because then they actually know things, and they'll correct you in front of everyone.

Ann:I mean, obviously libraries are terrible and a complete waste of taxpayer money.

Ann:But... like, hypothetically... if someone wanted to go to a library and just read books in a quiet place for a few hours, that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Leslie:Tammy is coming to Pawnee? Tammy Two or Tammy One? Please say Tammy Two. Oh my God, what if it's both Tammys? What if they've formed some kind of Tammy alliance against me? That's insane. That's actually insane. I need to call Tom. I need to call everyone. I need to move to Canada.

Ann:Leslie, you're spiraling.

Leslie:I'm not spiraling, you're spiraling!

Ron:She works at the library? The library? That's the perfect alignment of my two greatest hatreds.

Leslie:What are Tammy's weaknesses?

Ron:She's not human. She's a machine. Machines don't have weaknesses.

Ron:Tammy isn't human. She was built in a secret government lab in 1987 as the perfect weapon. She has a titanium skeleton, hydraulic muscles, and a heart made of ice. They sent her back in time to destroy my life, and she succeeded. She's a Terminator, but worse—she's a Taminator.

Ron:I have a fantasy where each of my ex-wives is on her deathbed, and I get to say goodbye. So I show up and say, 'Hey.' And she says, 'Ron, I'm so sorry for everything I did wrong.' And I say, 'I know,' and I leave. That's the fantasy.

Ron:I have nothing but contempt for my first two wives. But I have a good feeling about wife number three.

Leslie:I'm going into the library. I may not come out alive. But if I don't, tell my story. Tell them I died doing what I loved.

Leslie:Also, I brought weapons. Jewelry weapons. Pointy earrings, a sharp brooch. If things get ugly, I'm going in swinging.

Library employee:You owe $3 in overdue fees.

Leslie:Three dollars? That's it? I thought I was being arrested for murder!

Library employee:No, just the fees.

Leslie:Oh thank God. I was worried for nothing.

Leslie:A three dollar fee? THREE DOLLARS? Do you know what this means?

Ben:It means you owe the library three dollars?

Leslie:It means war, Ben. It means war.

Leslie Knope:You can't just joke about that! This is a library! These are books!

Library employee:I was just messing with you. I'm actually totally fine with it.

Leslie Knope:Oh. Well... that's... I may have overreacted.

Tammy:Leslie, I think you're doing a great job.

Leslie:What? Why would you say that? What do you want? Are you dying? Did you poison me?

Tammy:I'm just trying to be nice.

Leslie:Well, stop it. It's creepy and it's making me very uncomfortable.

Tammy:I do not have devil hooves. These are normal feet.

Andy:I'm gonna be a professional shoeshine person. I promise I won't look up your skirt.

Andy:I'm not running in the rat race, I'm running in the rat... marathon. Which is longer and harder, so I'm winning.

Andy:Yeah, the economy is really bad right now. People aren't spending money. It's a tough market out there.

Andy:Honestly, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I just hear people say that stuff and I repeat it.

Mark:Ann and I are together now.

Andy:Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna punch you in the face!

Andy:Just kidding. You seem like a good guy.

Ann:His job was applying to reality TV shows.

Andy:Hi, I'm Andy Dwyer, and I'm here to audition for Wheel of Fortune. I've been preparing for this my whole life. I'm incredibly lucky. One time I found a twenty dollar bill in my jacket pocket. I didn't even know it was there. That's luck. I'm basically a luck machine.

Andy:I've also been studying the wheel. I know all the letters. A, B, C, D, E... I could go on, but I don't want to show all my cards before the audition. I'm also very good at guessing. My guess right now is that this audition is going great.

Leslie:My ideal park would have a special area for kids who can't participate in normal activities. We'd call it the 'Participation Trophy Garden.'

Leslie:I was a mall slut in the '90s.

Leslie Knope:After Ron and Tammy have a prolonged, apparently extraordinary moment of eye contact, Leslie says: 'Good. Good start.'

Tom:You slept with Mark Brendanawicz?!

Tom:Mark Brendanawicz! That's like sleeping with a piece of cardboard that got sad!

Ron:Tammy and I are like oil and water.

Ron:We don't mix. We repel each other.

Ron:If you put us in a container together, the container will explode.

Ron:The explosion will be so powerful it will take out a city block.

Ron:And then birds will flee in terror.

Donna:Leslie, you cannot reunite Ron and Tammy. That is crazy town.

Leslie:What do you mean? It'll be fine.

Donna:No. Crazy town. Population: you.

Ron:Tammy. You look exactly the same.

Tammy:So do you. Except fatter.

Ron:That's woodworking dust, not fat.

Tammy:Sure it is.

Ron:Why is the bed on fire?

Tammy:Because you touch yourself at night.

Leslie:Well, Ron and Tammy Two got back together, which is great for them, terrible for literally everyone else, but I'm choosing to see the silver lining here, which is that at least they'll be destroying each other's lives instead of ours.

Ron:April, I'm in an excellent mood. Here's twenty dollars.

April:Why are you giving me money?

Ron:Because you're a child, and children like money for candy and... whatever it is you people do.

April:I'm not a child, Ron. I'm a grown woman.

Ron:Well, you're certainly not acting like one.

Tom:Tiger Woods wears red on Sundays because it's his power color. It gives him confidence.

Ron:I have the same ritual, but for a different reason. I wear red on Sundays so people know to stay away from me.

Ron:I like breakfast food. I like hash browns, I like wheat toast, I like bacon. Why do I have to choose? I want all the breakfast foods.

Ron:That family photo on my desk? Stock photography. I have no children and I've never been to the Grand Canyon.

Ron:I woke up this morning and Tammy was making breakfast naked. I should have photographed it.

Andy:Tom, I need some relationship advice. April's been distant lately.

Tom:Okay, here's what you do. You buy her something expensive. Very expensive. Like, from my store.

Andy:That's not relationship advice, that's a sales pitch.

Tom:Look, Andy, I'm just saying — if you want to fix things with April, you gotta show her you care. And the best way to do that is to give me money. I mean, give her a gift. From Rent-A-Swag.

Tom:You gotta take the high road, Andy. Let other people bring you down to their level.

Andy:Yeah, that makes sense.

Tom:That way, the low road is completely clear for me.

Leslie:You're welcome, Ron. I'm glad I could help.

Ron:Thank you, Leslie. Thank you for your meddling. It means so much to me that you can't respect boundaries or let people handle their own problems. I really appreciate you inserting yourself into my personal affairs without being asked.

Ron:I don't like to brag, but I'm excellent in bed. I'm a heavy sleeper.

Ron:It's like doing heroin, except instead of a needle in your arm, it's a Tammy in your soul.

Ron:I know what I'm talking about. I've been around the block.

Leslie:I think it's great to be friends with your exes. I mean, why wouldn't you want to maintain those relationships?

Leslie:I've been to like, what, five of my exes' weddings? Six?

Leslie:I caught the bouquet at two of them.

Ron Swanson:These divorce papers say Tammy tried to kill me by wrapping me in a carpet and rolling me off a cliff.

Leslie Knope:Ron, that's... how is that even physically possible?

Ron Swanson:That's what the judge said.

April:I'm not the type of person who says 'I told you so.' I'm way too classy for that.

April:But I do write it down. So I have a record of it.

Ron:We could put in a big parking lot, or a small parking lot, or a medium parking lot.

Leslie:What about a library?

Ron:I never said that.

Ron:Scotch.

Tammy II:There are three kinds of women: the hot ones, the smart ones, and the ones who are neither. Leslie is the third kind.

Tammy:You can be either a seductive role model or a virtuous role model.

Leslie:Those are my only two options? Seductive or virtuous? Why can't I be both? Why can't I be neither? Why does it have to be so binary?

Tammy:Choose.

Leslie:Virtuous! Virtuous, obviously virtuous!

Tammy II:The key to manipulation is patience and understanding human weakness. You identify what someone wants, then you control the supply.

Tammy II:It's basic psychology. Works every time.

Ron Swanson:That's... that's horrifying.

Tammy II:It's standard library procedure. The late fees, the hold times, the 'lost' reservation requests. We invented the game.

Tammy II:You should join the library. You'd make an excellent librarian.

Leslie:Absolutely not. I would never work at the library. Never.

Tammy II:But you love reading and organizing things.

Leslie:I don't care if it's the perfect job. I'm not working at the library. The Parks Department is where I belong.

Tammy:Leslie, I've enjoyed our time together as government gals, but I'm ending this alliance effective immediately.

Leslie:What? Why? We were just bonding over bureaucratic procedures!

Tammy:Precisely. It was getting too friendly. I have a reputation to maintain.

Ron:I may have been too harsh on the library. It turns out they have a very nice reading room, and the librarian has excellent posture.

Leslie:Ron, are you... attracted to the librarian?

Ron:I'm simply acknowledging that the library has redeeming qualities I previously overlooked.

Leslie:Ron, you're defending libraries?

Ron:I have nothing against libraries. Librarians, on the other hand, are the bane of my existence. They promote the accumulation and retention of books and reading. I'm against that.

Ron:She has all the power. I am but a tiny, helpless man.

Ron:I can't break up with Tammy. She has this power over me. In a sexual haze, I'd give away everything - my land, my guns, my woodworking tools. Everything I've worked for my entire life.

Ron:I feel powerless.

Leslie:Ron Swanson, you are the most powerful man I know.

Leslie:Ron, you're the strongest man I know. You can do anything.

Ron:Leslie, I appreciate that. But there is one thing I cannot do. I cannot say no to Tammy. She is my kryptonite.

Ron:You said we need to 'get our shit together.'

Leslie:I did not say that!

Ron:Your exact words.

Leslie:I would never say that in a professional setting!

Andy:I'm not at my shoeshine stand because I'm at a business conference. I'm expanding into the boot market.

Ron:You don't own a shoeshine stand.

Andy:Not with that attitude, I don't.

Tom:Andy, you don't own a business. You work for me.

Andy:Okay Donna, I need you to be the judge. Who's more attractive, me or Mark?

Donna:Spin around.

Andy:What?

Donna:Both of you, spin around. I need to see all angles.

Donna:Okay, you can stop. I've made my decision.

Tammy:You know what? You're right. I am too good for Ron. I deserve better than this pathetic man who works in government and makes no money.

Tammy:I'm leaving him.

Tammy II:You're telling me Leslie Knope volunteered to do this?

Ron:No. Leslie volunteered to do it. I'm making her do it.

Tammy II:Ron doesn't want a woman. Ron wants a snake. A big, long snake that he can keep in a cage and feed dead things to.

Andy:So you're saying I should take the high road?

Tom:That's what I'm saying.

Andy:But is violence permitted on the moral high ground?

Tom:No, Andy. No violence.

Andy:What about light violence?

Tammy II:You want Ron.

Leslie:I do not want Ron!

Leslie:I mean, not in real life. But I did have this dream once where we were on a sailboat and he made me laugh so hard I fell overboard and he dove in after me and—

Leslie:I'm going to stop talking now.

Ron:Leslie, wait downstairs.

Leslie:Why? What's going on?

Ron:I'm about to experience something so pleasurable, so intense, so extraordinarily satisfying...

Leslie:Ron, what are you talking about?

Ron:I'm going to sand this desk.

Andy:I'm going to call it Treat Yo Self Enterprises.

Andy:Wait, no. April and I broke up. I should probably change that.

Andy:How about... Andy and April's Awesome Company?

Andy:No, that's still weird. Okay, just Andy's Awesome Company.

Andy:Actually, you know what? I'm keeping it. Andy and April's Awesome Company. That way she has to think about me every time she sees a business card.

Leslie:Ron! What happened to you?

Ron:I don't want to talk about it.

Leslie:Your mustache is gone!

Ron:I said I don't want to talk about it.