Media Blitz

Ron:I found something special. Something truly remarkable. This is the kind of discovery that changes a man's life.

Other Character:Ron, that's a broken desk lamp from a dumpster.

Ron:A broken desk lamp from a dumpster that somebody didn't want anymore. Do you know what that means? It means it's free. And anything free is worth ten times what you paid for it.

Ron:I found a 1952 Hermes 3000 typewriter on electronicbay.com for a reasonable price.

Leslie:Ron, it's eBay. E-B-A-Y.

Ron:That's what I said. Electronicbay.com.

Ron Swanson:I don't understand why everyone keeps complaining about my typewriter. It's a beautiful machine.

Leslie Knope:Ron, you've been typing the same memo for three hours. And it's just the word 'no' repeated 47 times.

Ron Swanson:Efficient communication.

Jerry Gergich:My ears are bleeding.

Dr. Harris:That's acute acoustic trauma.

Ron:I'm typing threats to protect my typewriter.

Leslie Knope:Leslie says she called Oprah, then immediately walks it back: 'Well, I tried to call Oprah. I couldn't get her number. I'm putting it out there, like The Secret. And hopefully, she'll call me.'

Ben Wyatt:Ben reacts with visible horror to the radio hosts' names: 'Crazy Ira and... The Douche.' Delivered as a slow, incredulous read.

Ron:I've been compiling a list of words that should be permanently removed from the English language. Words like 'moist,' 'tender,' and 'ponder.'

Ron:However, I've decided to add one more word to that list.

Ron:And that word is... well, let me just say it involves a four-letter word that rhymes with 'duck,' followed by 'taco.'

Ben:Actually, it was 47 percent, not 48.

Tom:Oh wow, Ben Wyatt everybody. The man who can tell you the exact percentage of his own irrelevance.

Ben:I'm very precise with my words.

Tom:Oh, you're very precise with your words? That's great. I'm very precise with my words too. We're both very precise. We're precision guys.

Leslie:I've been manifesting a call from Oprah using The Secret. I made a vision board, I wrote affirmations, I even burned sage in the shape of her face. The universe is listening. Any day now, Oprah's going to call me and we're going to talk about my initiative.

Leslie:We have two radio hosts here today. First, we have Harris, and then we have... The Douche.

Leslie:Crazy Ira and The Douche are actually really talented. They're just as good as some of the other radio personalities out there.

Leslie:I mean, they're no worse than Imus or Stern or any of those guys.

Chris:You know, the key to optimal physical fitness is maintaining a consistent regimen with proper form, adequate hydration, and a balanced macronutrient intake. I've been tracking my metrics for seventeen years and—

April:If you say one more thing about your metrics, I'm leaving.

Chris:April, I'd like to offer you a position in my office.

April:What are the benefits?

Chris:Well, we have a 401k, health insurance, paid time off—

April:Do you have internet?

Chris:Yes, of course.

April:I'm in.

Andy:What was that meeting about?

April:Oh, we were just discussing the upcoming town hall and how we need to increase budget allocation for squirrel prevention. Apparently we've had seventeen confirmed squirrel incidents this month alone. It's a real crisis. They're getting bolder.

April:Andy is dumb. Like, really dumb. He's so dumb that he makes other dumb people feel smart. He's dumb-dumb. And not like a fun dumb, like a dumb dumb. Like a dumb stop.

Crazy Ira:Because in space, no one can hear you fart.

The Douche:That's one small step for man, one giant... PRRRRIIIIIP for mankind.

Crazy Ira:We're changing your name to Haverfart.

Tom:What? No!

Crazy Ira:Too late, Haverfart. That's your name now.

Crazy Ira:So you and your boyfriend—

The Douche:Your mom.

The Douche:Hey, it's Ira's mom. I'm so proud of my son. He's doing so well with his business ventures.

The Douche:You know what I love about the fall? Hay rides.

The Douche:Hey, ride me.

April:You need a permit to post missing bird signs.

Citizen:But it's a missing bird. It can fly. By the time I post signs, it'll be in another state.

April:Then I don't see why you need the signs.

Andy:I eat nails for breakfast.

April:Without milk?

Andy:Okay, okay, I got this. I'm a professional permit clerk now.

Henry:Dad, watch this!

Andy:Ow! Hey, what are you—ow! Not there! Henry, stop!

Henry:You said you were a professional!

Andy:A professional at permits, not at being repeatedly kicked in the groin!

Ron:I don't care about April's relationship. What she does in her personal time is her business.

Ron:But if she leaves this department, I will lose the world's worst assistant, and frankly, I've grown accustomed to her face.

Crazy Ira:We did some research on Ben Wyatt using AltaVista.

Roger Refrigerator:Yeah, we found out he's a nerd.

Radio Host:Come on, Ben, just tell us the name of the project.

Radio Host:What was it called?

Ben:It was called the Cones of Dunshire.

Ben:Get away from her, you bitch!

Tom:You know what? A calculator wearing sunglasses would be more personable than you right now.

Ben:So, uh, Pawnee has a lot of... cars. People drive them. On the roads. Which is where cars go.

Ben:Some of them are red. Or blue. Or... the other colors that cars can be.

Chris:Ann, I need to tell you something important. Something I've been holding back.

Ann:What is it, Chris?

Chris:Your apartment has terrible feng shui. The energy in here is completely blocked. You need to rearrange everything immediately.

Ann:That's what you were being so mysterious about?

Chris:The chi is stagnant, Ann. Stagnant!

Ann:Okay, you can rearrange my furniture.

Chris:Really? This is the best day of my life!

Ann:Yeah, just... try not to move things too much.

Chris:I'm going to move EVERYTHING.

Ann:Okay.

Chris:Your couch is going against that wall!

Ann:Sure.

Chris:Your bed is going in the living room!

Ann:That's fine.

Chris:I'm painting your walls a different color!

Ann:Whatever you want.

Chris:Ann... are you okay?

Ann:I don't even know who I am anymore.

Joan:Well, I guess you could say this conversation is really... ear-iting. Get it? Corn? Because corn has ears?

Joan:And I'm not trying to be un-beet-able with these puns, but I think I'm really crop-ping up with good material.

Joan:You're not laughing. I guess you could say the vibe is getting a little... stalky. Stalk? Corn stalk?

Joan:Lettuce just agree these are gourd puns. Get it? Like the gourds you use in fall decorations?

Leslie:We're colleagues with benefits.

Leslie:You know, we work together and we get health insurance, dental, a 401k...

Andy:Dear Mrs. Johnson, thank you for the lovely gift—

April:That's Mr. Johnson. He's a man.

Andy:Right, right. Dear Mr. Johnson, thank you for the lovely gift. Your generosity means so much to me and my wife.

April:He's not married.

Andy:Okay. Dear Mr. Johnson, thank you for the lovely gift. As a fellow man, I appreciate your manly generosity.

April:Why would you say that?

Andy:Because he's a man!

Andy:Dear Mrs. Henderson, thank you for the lovely gift of the casserole dish.

Andy:Actually, it was a serving platter.

Andy:Wait, no, a decorative bowl. A decorative bowl shaped like a duck.

Andy:The duck is blue. No, green. It's definitely green and it quacks when you press it.

Andy:Which is weird because I don't think ducks are supposed to quack at that pitch. That's more of a seagull sound.

Andy:Anyway, thank you for the rubber seagull. We love it.

Tom:Hey Perd, you ever see RoboCop? You're like RoboCop, but instead of being part man, part machine, you're part man, part... news.

Perd:That's the worst thing anyone's ever said to me.

Tom:That's not what RoboCop says. He says 'Dead or alive, you're coming with me.'

Ben:Actually, he says 'Dead or alive, you're coming with me' in the first film, but in RoboCop 2 and 3 the line is slightly different depending on—

Tom:Ben. Ben, no. I was just trying to make a cool action movie reference to seem impressive. You don't need to correct me.

Ben:I'm just saying, if you're going to reference something, you should get it right.

Tom:That's not the point! The point was to seem cool, not to be accurate about 1980s sci-fi action cinema!

Tom:Garbage? This is OshKosh B'Gosh. It's a children's clothing line, but it's very durable.

Andy:Okay, I'm going to photograph 'melancholy.' What does melancholy look like?

April:A chair.

Andy:A sad chair. Got it.

Andy:I'm sorry, floor. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you by standing on you.

Pawnee Citizen:I want a foot massage from Andy.

Andy Dwyer:Okay, let me see your feet.

Pawnee Citizen:Well, I have this really bad corn on my big toe. It's huge and yellow and kind of looks like a little baby chicken is trying to peck its way out of my foot.

Tom:Yeah, so there's this new roller coaster at the carnival. But here's the thing – you have to be fat enough to ride it. Like, you need to meet a minimum weight requirement. It's the opposite of every other ride.

Ben:I have something I need to confess. When I was seven years old, I wore my mom's wedding dress to school for show and tell.

Ben:I... I can see them. The birds. They're everywhere. They're watching me.

Police Officer:So you're telling me you were alone in the woods at midnight with a shovel?

Andy:Yes, but I was just burying something!

Police Officer:...

Andy:I mean, it was just a dead body—I mean, a dead animal! A dead animal body!

Tom:Joan! You look amazing. You're like a less angry Jennifer Aniston.

Joan:Less angry? Jennifer Aniston's not angry.

Tom:I know. That's why I said you're like a less angry version of her. You're angrier than Jennifer Aniston.

Tom:Will you marry me?

Joan:Are you serious?

Tom:Yeah, I thought you were Heidi Klum.

Joan:I'm not Heidi Klum.

Tom:Well, you're married to Seal, right?

Joan:No, that's Heidi Klum.

Ron:When you fish, you don't think about the fish's feelings. The fish doesn't think about your feelings. You both just respect each other, and the best fish have a big, lovable fish heart.

Ann:This tastes like dirt.

Chris:It does. But it's nutrient-dense dirt.

Ben:Look, I get it. You want me to respond to every single criticism on social media. But have you seen Pawnee's internet infrastructure? We're still using computers from 2003. I can't even load Twitter without the whole system crashing. So you'll have to forgive me if I'm not exactly racing to engage with every troll on the internet when I can barely send an email without the servers catching fire.

Ben:Who hasn't done something dumb at 18?

Joan:I slept with my history teacher.

Tom:Perd Hapley, more like Turd Crapley.

Andy Dwyer:Andy's sad photography assignment callback: After the foot massage scene, cut to Andy standing next to a random desk saying: 'Boom. Sadness. That's the one.'

Andy Dwyer · Police Officer / Passerby:Andy tries to get April's younger sister into his car: 'Are you trying to lure this young lady into your van?' Andy: 'Yeah. But she's being really difficult about it, and it's actually not my van. I stole it from a friend of mine. I technically shouldn't be even driving, because my license is crazy expired.'

Andy:When a police officer approaches Andy's van, Andy explains: 'I stole it from a friend of mine. I technically shouldn't be even driving, because my license is crazy expired.'

Tom Haverford · Joan Callamezzo:Tom mistakes Joan Callamezzo for Jennifer Aniston: 'Joan? I thought you were Jennifer Aniston filming a movie here.'

Tom Haverford · Joan Callamezzo:Tom proposes marriage to Joan: 'Joan, let's make a pact, okay? If we're both still single in an hour, let's get married.' Joan: 'Tom, I'm already married.' Tom: 'That's right. To Seal.' Joan: 'What?' Tom: 'I confused you with Heidi Klum again.'

Joan Callamezzo:Joan's intro to Pawnee Today: 'Today's guest is Leslie Knope, who is here to tell us how this year's Harvest Festival is going to bankrupt the city.'

Leslie Knope · Ben Wyatt:Leslie's instinct when Joan attacks: 'You know? If you want to ask him questions, let's go for it, huh? Just ask any question about his past or present. Just get it over with. Ben, let's get up here.'

Leslie Knope · Ben Wyatt:Ben attempts to answer a caller's question about the budget and stammers: 'I... For...' Leslie jumps in: 'Just to add to what Ben's stammering about, we aren't going to raise taxes.'

Ron Swanson · April Ludgate:Ron gives April fishing advice she didn't ask for, using an extended fish metaphor for Andy: 'When you have a fish on the line, you don't just drag it behind the boat. You either reel it in or you cut him loose. Especially if he's a nice fish with a big, lovable fish heart.'

Chris Traeger · Ann Perkins:Chris describes his tea: 'Verosian tea really supercharges the bacteria in your colon. Plus, it smells interesting. Waft it.' Ann: 'Are we actually ever going to drink it, or we're just going to sniff it?' Chris: 'I love sniffing. Don't get me wrong.'

Chris Traeger · Ann Perkins:Chris describes his next assignment: 'A town called Snerling, Indiana. The cows outnumber the people forty to one.' Ann: 'It sounds amazing.'

Chris Traeger · Ann Perkins:Chris and Ann try to drink the colon-bacteria tea: 'Wow, that's disgusting.' Chris: 'Yes, it's very hard to drink.'

Ben Wyatt:Ben: 'Okay. First of all, why does everyone in this town use AltaVista? Is it 1997?'

Ben Wyatt · Joan Callamezzo:Ben's redemption moment: 'And yeah, I screwed up when I was 18, but who doesn't do dumb stuff when they're 18?' Joan: 'I stole my gym teacher's husband.'

Leslie Knope · Ben Wyatt:After Joan's admission, Ben and Leslie exchange a look, and Ben says 'So, there you go.' Leslie: 'Well. What else you got, callers?'

Caller · Leslie Knope:The final caller on Pawnee Today asks: 'Yeah, hi. Can you tell me more about the corn maze at the Harvest Festival? Are dogs allowed?'

April Ludgate · Andy Dwyer:April's condition for Andy: 'I better be the only person you kissed today.' Andy: 'Yeah, I'm positive that you are.'

Leslie Knope · Perd Hapley:Leslie's dinner with Perd: Leslie claims something is a birthmark and a childhood scar while Perd stares at it: 'I can't look away. It's amazing.'

Tom Haverford:Tom says about Perd's show: 'More like "Turd Crapley."' Then: 'Yes. Yes. Yeah? Bravo! Thank you very much.'