Shauna Malwae-Tweep

Leslie · Shauna:Leslie to Shauna: 'I've read everything you've ever written. You did an amazing in-depth article on the raccoon problem here in Pawnee.' Then a raccoon apparently runs through the office: 'Who left the door open? No! No! No!'

Shauna:Shauna: 'Thanks. I was happy with that line.' (about 'nature's bandits')

Leslie · Shauna:Leslie gives Shauna a tour of a mural called 'The Trial of Chief Wamapo' — Chief Wamapo was 'convicted of crimes against the soldiers' and is depicted 'right before he's killed by a cannonball.' Shauna: 'I'm surprised no one's complained about this.' Leslie: 'Oh, tons of people have. Yeah, we get letters every day.'

Ron · Shauna:Ron appears and immediately says 'No comment.' before the reporter has asked him anything. Shauna: 'About what?' Ron: [no response]

Leslie · Shauna:Shauna refers to Leslie's group as a 'committee'; Leslie corrects her: 'I'm sorry. It's actually called a subcommittee, not a committee.' — then realizes this is being recorded and backs off.

Andy · Shauna:Shauna: 'Why would you want a toaster that's lying at the bottom of the pit?' Andy: 'I don't know. I was pretty wasted.'

Leslie · Shauna:Shauna: 'Yeah, I guess I'm free. I'm assuming not Mexican.' Leslie: 'Why?' Shauna: 'Because of the burrito.' Leslie: 'Oh! Yeah, well, it wasn't a Mexican burrito.'

Shauna · Leslie:Shauna reads a series of increasingly absurd quotes about the park from unnamed sources: 'The Sullivan Street pit is always going to be a pit.' / 'Hey, you should write an article on unicorns, because they're more likely to exist than this park.' / 'You should write an article on the Pope getting married...' / 'You should write an article on talking monkeys.' / 'You should write an article about leprechauns.' / 'You should write an article about the sun falling out of the sky.' / This one is just 'No.'

Shauna · Leslie:'This park is never, ever, ever, ever going to happen.' — attributed to Mark Brendanawicz.

Mark · Shauna:Mark explains the context: 'You got up because you had to write the article and I said, Come on, stay in bed. That park is never, ever, ever gonna get made.' Shauna: 'Right. And then I came back to bed.' Mark: 'Yeah, but the important part of what I said was Stay in bed.'

Shauna · Mark:Shauna: 'You know, I wouldn't say romantically involved.' Mark: 'You know, going forward.'

Andy · Shauna:Andy introduces himself to reporter Shauna by referencing the article she wrote when he 'fell in the pit' — and then, matter-of-factly: 'And then afterwards, had sex with Mark and everyone talked about it.'

Leslie · Shauna:Leslie interrupts the reporter's line of questioning about Fairway Frank to insist the possum be called 'just a possum' — setting up a correction that immediately undermines the whole mission

Andy · Shauna:Andy's interview logic: 'When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, Don't think, Andy, act.' / 'So you weren't thinking?' / 'Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.'

Andy · Shauna:Reporter asks what Andy's girlfriend (the nurse) thinks about his heroism; Andy reveals the breakup: 'I broke up with Ann. Shortly after she kicked me out and told me we wouldn't be together anymore.'

Andy · Shauna:Reporter suggests the article might win Ann back; Andy: 'What now?' — long pause — 'I hadn't even thought of that. Wow. Of all the things I thought would bring us back together, catching a possum was never on that list.'

Leslie · Shauna:Leslie shows the reporter a business card and begins over-pitching it: 'This isn't a really big story, right? Nobody cares about this very much.'

Shauna:Reporter's headline pitch: 'It's time to encapsulate the future.' Sub-headline: 'The parks department cuts the crapsule, buries the time capsule.'

Leslie · Shauna:Leslie interrupts Ben's spin attempt to refocus on the time capsule, then pitches the reporter: 'It's time to encapsulate the future' — the reporter reveals it's already her headline. Then Leslie tries: 'Parks department cuts the crapsule.'

Shauna:Shauna's two headline pitches: 'It's the End of the World as They Know It, but Pawnee Feels Fine' (too long) / 'Zorp Shmorp. Doomsday Prediction Falls Flat as Citizens Spend Pleasant Evening Enjoying One of Pawnee's Finest Parks.' (somehow longer)

Leslie · Shauna:Shauna asks if Chris is single. Leslie says no, he's dating Jerry's daughter. Shauna says she meant Ben. Leslie's increasingly panicked non-answers about Ben.

Chris · Shauna:I think I accidentally got the meat option. Yeah, and I got the veggie option. Shauna Malwae-Tweep, my ex-girlfriend.

Shauna · Leslie:Shauna Malwae-Tweep reads Dexhart's text 'Sweet jugs' — then admits 'He's kinda cute. I feel like I could fix him, you know?'

Shauna:Oh, thanks. I just got back from a solo trip to Rome. I was gonna go with my boyfriend, but he couldn't come because he decided to stay with his wife.

Shauna:I'm writing a memoir based on my blog. It's called Tweeping Up Appearances, and it's about my journey to find happiness by smiling through the pain.

Leslie · Shauna:"'Still Swinging: Parks Gang Reunites for One Last Bang.' That's a little dirty." / "Well, it's a headline, Shauna. Sex sells."

Shauna · Leslie:Shauna's romantic history summary: 'I had met a guy online, and we started chatting a lot, and I really liked him, but he turned out to be a computer program that a scientist invented to test the gullibility of human women.'

Tom · Shauna · abandoned woman:Tom and the abandoned woman's wedding — they met five hours ago and are getting married because he gave her gum