Time Capsule

A disappointingly good idea from Jerry.

Jerrold starred in his school production of Peter Pan. He was a beautiful Tinker Bell.

It was an all-boys school.

Why don't we put Eduardo in there and seal the top so that he suffocates and dies?

Picture of my ex-girlfriend Lucy with a mustache drawn on her face and stink lines coming off her, 'cause she stinks.

Luckily, when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. That's what they always do on Entourage.

The four horse meals of the egg-pork-alypse

Not like you get extra credit for this, but I did type it from memory.

Pawnee: Welcome, German soldiers.

After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked.

Pawnee: Welcome, Vietnamese soldiers.

Pawnee: Engage with Zorp.

Pawnee: Zorp is dead. Long live Zorp.

Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts. That was a lie, she sued.

Pawnee: Home of the world-famous Julia Roberts lawsuit.

Pawnee: Welcome, Taliban soldiers.

Pawnee: First in friendship, fourth in obesity.

It's time to encapsulate the future.

The parks department cuts the crapsule, buries the time capsule.

I thought you would be younger... And a girl.

Present company excluded. Oh, thank you. Uh, I was talking about me.

I can literally see my face in my shoes.

He didn't... he didn't pay me.

I cannot figure out who my boss is.

Somehow that fish ended up dead in a cowboy boot.

The town of Forks, Washington is exactly like Pawnee, except for the climate and the vampires.

He brought handcuffs with him. This whole thing was planned.

Cool people make the rules. They don't break the rules.

Damn it. Again?

What look did your mom have on her face when she realized her son was a complete failure?

And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinnylegs McGee.

This muscle-headed storm trooper doesn't scare me.

No! No! No! Please! I am very scared of you!

He brought a pillow.

Hey, Leslie, I'm making some sleepytime tea. You want any?

Twilight is dope. I told you. I couldn't put it down. It was like she was peering into my soul.

There's a second book? And a third and a fourth. No [bleep] way.

Those are sports sandals. They're for adventure racing. The human foot is the ultimate technology.

Dude, that is the coolest sentence I've ever heard somebody talk.

Hey, you know who should wear these shoes? Monkeys.

I'm nice. Good! Nice. What else? I'm in a band. Band! What else? That's it.

Am I Team Edward? Yes. Do I share his concerns about turning Bella, though? Absolutely not.

Sometimes I think she's in the volturi.

Well, for that guy, life in Pawnee is him and his daughter reading that book.

Crackpot convention.

I think we should put in the Bible. Great.

David Matthews! Crash into me! Yes! I love that song.

That means 'thank you'? Yes. Nailed it.

There really is a tremendous amount of quivering.

So too Christian and not Christian enough?

Do you see the irony here? No? Okay.

Go back to Russia, commie! Hey, you go back to Russia! And you go back to wherever you came from!

Why would I go to Russia? I have no interest in traveling to Russia.

I just don't get why you broke up with me. Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob type situation?

It's nothing to do with Twilight.

Imagine if your boss was Angelina Jolie, and then one day, she just started dating your ex-boyfriend.

Well, not if I had great new boyfriend, dumbass.

You're small enough for me to throw you around.

Except for Turnip.

I got two microphones, a four-track recorder, and every bass tab to Dave Matthews ever. Vamos!

Usually people don't care about anything. These people are weirdos, but they're weirdos who care.

And sorry about the weird blank gap in the middle. A man named Jerry Gergich screwed up the recording somehow. He had one job to do.

He was a really good bassist. I was actually started to like him. I know. That's what made me start to hate him.

The nice and band totally worked.

And also, there's a pretzel stand over there that literally serves the best pretzel I've ever had.

Dude, what did I just say? How about you shut up?