Ron &Amp; Tammy: Part Two

Jack Cooper:Mr. Swanson, you have an overdue book from the library.

Ron:That's impossible. I don't read.

Jack Cooper:According to our records, you checked out 'The Joy of Feelings: A Sensitive Man's Guide to Emotional Expression.'

Ron:...

Ron:She's been very supportive. Brings me soup when I'm sick, remembers my birthday, asks about my day.

Ron:It's almost like she still cares about me.

Ron:Then I realized — she's gathering intelligence. Every piece of information is ammunition for future sabotage.

Leslie:Ron, when you meet with Tammy, you need to be careful. Bring a friend, stay in public, keep your phone charged.

Ron:Leslie, it's just coffee.

Leslie:Just coffee? Ron, this is Tammy we're talking about. You need to have an exit strategy. Leave your car running. Keep a go-bag in your trunk with cash, fake passports, and a change of clothes.

Ron:That seems excessive.

Leslie:And if she tries to take you across state lines, you fight back. Bite if you have to. Aim for the eyes and the throat. And if she somehow manages to throw you in the back of a van, you kick out the tail lights so law enforcement can track you.

Tom:Ron, I've got visual on a Code Yellow. I repeat, Code Yellow.

Ron:What is it?

Tom:Visible panty line. Two o'clock.

Tammy:I'm very progressive about these things. Women should be comfortable examining their own bodies.

Ron:That's... actually a reasonable position.

Tammy:I know. And you should try it too.

Ron:I'm perfectly straight.

Tammy:That's the problem.

Tom:That's so hot.

Ron:She's intelligent, independent, and has a wonderful sense of humor.

Tammy:Yeah, well, she sounds like a real piece of work. Probably a nightmare in bed.

Ron:I'm going to say goodbye now.

Leslie:Goodbye.

Ron:Goodbye.

Leslie:Goodbye.

Ben:What about some healthy options for the police officers? Maybe some grilled chicken, steamed vegetables?

Tom:Ben, don't be such a Jerry.

Andy:Hey, you know what? Salad is what food eats.

Ben:We should get calzones! They're amazing.

Tom:Calzones are just pizza that's afraid to be itself. They're cowards. And you suggesting them makes you a coward too.

Tom:Ron and Tammy got back together? That's impossible. Ron hates Tammy more than he hates the government, and he hates the government.

Ben:Well, they do have a lot in common.

Tom:Yeah, like what? Evil?

Ben:I was thinking more like they're both really into woodworking and breakfast meats.

April:I heard you don't want orange post-its.

April:So I got you orange post-its.

Wendy:My family needs me in Canada. It's not complicated. They're my responsibility, and I'm going to be there for them.

Ron:Wendy and I have what I'd call a professional relationship. We respect each other's work ethic and we share similar values about government efficiency.

Wendy:Ron, I've been thinking... what if we moved to Canada together?

Ron:No.

Ron:I taught Wendy to whittle. She's a natural.

Ron:Look at this. She made it in just three hours.

Leslie:Ron, you need to get back out there. You can't let one bad relationship define you.

Ron:Leslie, I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm a man. That advice is for women.

Ben:You know, I've been thinking about calzones lately.

Chief:No.

Leslie:Look, Tammy Two is just a woman. She's not a demon, she's not a witch, she's not a supernatural being of pure evil.

Leslie:She's just a regular person who happens to be awful, and mean, and cruel, and sadistic, and possibly a vampire.

Tammy II:When a man and woman love each other very much, the man puts his penis inside the woman's vagina.

Tom:It's Tom.

Tammy II:I know who you are.

Tom:No, I mean... it's just Tom. Not 'a man.' Tom.

Police Officer:On the evening of April 15th, officers responded to a disturbance at the residence of one Ronald Duffy Swanson. Upon arrival, we discovered the subject engaged in a heated altercation with an individual identified as Tammy Preston.

Police Officer:The subject, Mr. Swanson, was found to be a real piece of work. A real piece of work. In all my years on the force, I have never encountered a real piece of work quite like him.

Tammy:We got matching tattoos.

Ron:Where?

Tammy:On our butts.

April:Hi, this is April Ludgate calling on behalf of Chris Traeger from the Parks Department. Yes, I'll hold.

April:Hi, thanks for waiting. Chris wanted me to reach out because he values your input and respects your opinion. Also, Ann doesn't care what you think, so it's just me.

Leslie:Ron, part of your mustache is missing.

Ron:I know.

Ron:It'll grow back.

Leslie:Ron, we're here because we care about you. You're addicted to relationships.

Ron:That's ridiculous.

Leslie:You've been through three marriages. You're chasing that first high, that initial rush of commitment. You need an intervention.

Ron:I don't have a problem.

Leslie:Ron, you're a relationship junkie. And like all junkies, you need to hit rock bottom before you can recover.

Tom:Ron, you look like a bald eagle had a baby with a steak.

Tom:A bald, beautiful, steak eagle.

Tom:You're majestic.

Tom:Ron is like my brother. My actual brother, not like a metaphorical brother thing. My real brother who shares my parents.

Andy:Ron, buddy, I'm gonna give you some real talk. You need to open up more, share your feelings, let people in. But also, you gotta learn to be alone, you know? Really embrace solitude. And you should definitely get married, but also never get married because it's a trap. Oh, and you need to make more friends, but also stop wasting time on people who don't matter. Just be yourself, but also try to be better. It's all about balance, man.

Ron Swanson:If you're watching this, it means I've made a terrible mistake. I've gotten involved with a woman again.

Ron Swanson:A man is like a wolf. And a woman is like a beautiful forest. And the wolf wants to stay in the forest forever, but the forest keeps burning down, over and over again.

Ron Swanson:And the wolf just wants to run free through the trees, but he can't, because his paws keep getting burned.

Past Ron:You have two choices: either you break up with her, or you undergo a series of extreme medical procedures.

Past Ron:We're talking full body replacement surgery, organ transplants, possibly a complete consciousness transfer into a new body.

Past Ron:Those are your only two options.

Ron:Tammy and I are getting married and leaving the department.

Ron:Tammy's been on fertility treatments for three years. Her uterus is like a frozen burrito—you have to keep rotating it or it'll cook unevenly.

Ron:Leslie and I are preparing for our honeymoon. I've made a list of supplies we'll need.

Ron:Forty-seven bottles of coconut oil, industrial-sized box of condoms, noise-canceling headphones, and a 'Do Not Disturb' sign the size of a window.

Ron:I'm not taking any chances. We have very important work to do.

April:Dear citizen, this is an emergency letter from Ron Swanson.

April:If you are reading this, I am probably dead or in a very bad mood, which is basically the same thing.

April:Signed, Bert Macklin, FBI.

Chief:You want a favor from me?

Ben:Yes, and it's a big one.

Chief:Does it involve a calzone?

Ben:No.

Chief:Then I'm not interested.

Jerry:Oh, wonderful. They got my name right this time.

Jerry:Jerry Gergich... wait, it says Jerry Gergich-Gergich.

Tom:I met Tammy at a club. She seemed into me, which was great because I'm very into me.

Tom:We started dating, and everything was perfect until I found out why she actually wanted to be with me.

Tammy:I only dated you to make your ex-girlfriend jealous.

Tom:Wait, which ex?

Tammy:All of them.

Tammy II:Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?

Tammy:That was the most pathetic sexual encounter of my life.

Ron:I was faking it.

Leslie:We could get calzones!

Ben:Yes! Finally, someone who understands me.

Leslie:There's a place called 'Calzone's Nightmare' on Fake Street.

Ben:That's... that doesn't sound good.

Leslie:Or 'The Calzone Zone' on Ben Wyatt Avenue.

Ben:Okay, you're just making those up now.

Leslie:I mean, honestly, calzones are just pizza that's angry at you. They're a hot, folded mistake. Every time I eat a calzone, I think about how it's a pizza that couldn't commit to its own shape.

Ben:Leslie, what are you even talking about?

Leslie:Just saying, the calzone is an abomination. It's a betrayal of trust. It's bread wrapped around—

Ben:Okay, so we're not getting calzones?

Leslie:What? No, of course we are. I love calzones. I was just messing with you. Let's go get some right now.

Tom:Ron, I'm really worried about scarring from the fight.

Ron:Scars are good. They make you look tough.

Tom:But what if people think I'm weird?

Ron:Only if you're a woman. Women shouldn't have scars. Men should be covered in them.

Ron:Ron has made a pre-recorded intervention tape of himself: 'Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it means that once again you have danced with the devil.'

Ron:Ron's tape: 'Right now, you're probably thinking Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together. But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain.'

Ron:Ron's tape concludes: 'So you have two choices: One, get rid of Tammy, or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely.'

Ron · Leslie:Present-day Ron watches his own tape and says: 'You stupid.' Then: 'This is a waste of time. You people have no idea what you're talking about.' Leslie: 'That was YOU on the tape. That was YOU talking.'

Ron:Ron announces: 'Tammy and I are in love, and we're gonna start a family together. In fact, she's ovulating. So if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.'

Ron · Tammy:Ron announces the honeymoon plan: '11 days in my cabin in the woods. We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40-pound bag of peanuts for energy.'

April · Chris:April delivers a fake urgent memo from 'Bert Macklin, FBI' to get herself transferred back to Parks.

Chris · April:Chris: 'Dude, I think it sounds like it was Macklin's call.' April's reaction to being let off the hook via a fictional FBI agent.

Tom:Tom's talking head: 'I just wanted to show him what it felt like to have your ex-wife date someone you know. Whatever happened after that is not my fault.'

Ben · Chief Trumple:Ben returns to the chief to ask the real favor. Chief: 'Hey, calzone boy, what's up?' Ben: 'Well, here's hoping that nickname doesn't stick.'

Chief Trumple · Ben:Chief: 'You mean, like calzone-sized?' Ben: 'Ah! Sure.'

Chief Trumple · Ben:Chief explains why Leslie gets unlimited favors: 'She's the kind of person who uses favors to help other people.' Then: 'Also, my buddy Dave was the crankiest bastard in the department till he started dating Leslie.'

Ben · Chief Trumple:Chief: 'What do you care? You a pervert?' Ben: 'Nope, nope. I'm all good. Um, everything's fine. This is fine.'

April · Others:April threatens to wear the wedding gift (a terrible sweater or novelty item) to work: 'Don't think I won't do it. I'll wear this to work.'

Leslie · Group:They find a new library card in the box. The name on it: 'Tammy Swanson Swanson.'

Tom · Ron:Tom tells Ron he brought Tammy as his date because she said 'anything to make Ron miserable' when he asked her — cackled for a full minute before agreeing.

Tom · Tammy:Tom tries to fight Tammy and fails spectacularly. Tammy: 'Why are you hitting yourself, Glenn? Stop hitting yourself.'

Ron · Tammy:Tammy: 'You're not even a man anymore.' Ron: 'Oh, and by the way, last night, I faked four out of the seven.' Tammy: 'Hmm. So did I.'

Ron · Tom:Ron tells Tom: 'Let's go, son.' Tom has been called Glenn throughout and physically humiliated. Ron calls him 'son' — paternal dignity restored.

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben trade location names for a calzone restaurant: 'over in Idiotville,' 'down on Terrible Idea Avenue,' 'on Beating-a-Dead-Horse Boulevard.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Calzones are pointless. They're just pizza that's harder to eat. No one likes them. Good day, sir.' Then immediately: 'I'm just kidding. Let's go.'

Ron · Tom:Ron explains a scar on his face/head (from the brawl): 'Tom, women like scars. Shows you survived an attack, and they'll assume the attack was from a man.'

Ron · Tom:Ron and Tom toast: 'To true love. May we both find it.' Then: 'Nice glasses.' 'Wedding present from Jerry.' 'You're not gonna return them?' 'Nah. Too much hassle.'