Leslie Knope

Leslie:Jerry's in charge of our pre-teen nature hikes. For a while, it was a teenage nature hike, but then we changed it because a girl got pregnant.

Leslie · Jerry:Leslie eats the country honeysuckle after being told it smells good, immediately reacting in disgust. Jerry: 'That's bitter. Leslie, you don't eat it.' Leslie: 'Oh! Why did you let me eat that?' Jerry: 'I never told you to eat that.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'I'm not an animal. My tongue is swelling up.'

Leslie:After eating poison and reacting with visible distress, Leslie remarks: 'But I have to say, there's a very sweet aftertaste though.'

Leslie:The press is a weapon and you can use it to kill people or to feed people.

Leslie:Talking head: The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that just ran out of steam. We had removed five cartoon penises, not even 10%, when we were shut down due to lack of funding.

Leslie:To this day, I am haunted by those remaining penises. One penis in particular.

Leslie · Ann:Leslie lists Rule 1 and Rule 2 as both 'stay on message.' Ann asks 'Stay on what?' and Leslie says 'Message. Great.'

Mark · Leslie:Mark: 'What about that thing you did for the middle school newspaper last year?' Leslie: 'Oh. No. I don't count that. That was a smear job.'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie: 'What do you think her opening gambit is gonna be? What is she gonna ask me first?' Mark: 'How you spell your name.' Leslie: 'Of course. Because of the silent K.'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie has 30 discussion questions prepared for a local newspaper interview. Mark: 'You're insane.'

Leslie:Talking head — Leslie: 'Mark and I made love once. And it was very intense.'

Leslie · Shauna:Leslie to Shauna: 'I've read everything you've ever written. You did an amazing in-depth article on the raccoon problem here in Pawnee.' Then a raccoon apparently runs through the office: 'Who left the door open? No! No! No!'

Leslie:Leslie, after the raccoon incident, seamlessly continues: 'And I agree with you. They are nature's bandits.'

Leslie · Shauna:Leslie gives Shauna a tour of a mural called 'The Trial of Chief Wamapo' — Chief Wamapo was 'convicted of crimes against the soldiers' and is depicted 'right before he's killed by a cannonball.' Shauna: 'I'm surprised no one's complained about this.' Leslie: 'Oh, tons of people have. Yeah, we get letters every day.'

Leslie:Leslie introduces Tom: 'Tom Haverford, boy genius. Smooth like milk chocolate.'

Leslie:Leslie introduces April: 'April Ludgate, 19. Cool enough to be invited anywhere and chooses to be here.'

Leslie:Leslie re-introducing Andy: 'Andy is the citizen who fell in it.' (the pit)

Leslie · Shauna:Shauna refers to Leslie's group as a 'committee'; Leslie corrects her: 'I'm sorry. It's actually called a subcommittee, not a committee.' — then realizes this is being recorded and backs off.

Leslie:Shauna asks if the group always meets 'here' (the conference room). Leslie panics: 'We meet at a bunch of different places. We don't always meet here. So I didn't quite know how to answer that.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Stay on message. Thank you so much for bringing that up in front of a reporter.'

Leslie:Leslie to Ann: 'Oh, Ann. You're so sweet and innocent and pretty. The press are like sharks, and you guys just dumped a bucket of chum in the water.'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie to Mark: 'And it turns out that Ann is on birth-control pills.' Mark: 'Okay.'

Leslie:Shauna arrives at the pit interview — Leslie realizes Shauna is wearing the same dress as yesterday and got a ride from Mark. The talking head: 'She and Mark had sex with each other last night.'

Leslie:At the pit, Leslie melts down when Shauna asks how big the lot is: 'A hundred or something. Give or take 100. I don't know. A hundred what? I don't know, Shauna Malwae-Tweep. I don't know. I don't... I guess I don't know anything.'

Leslie:Leslie arrives home at Ann's after running away from the pit interview and claims she left because 'I figured I nailed it so why push it, right?'

Leslie · Ann:Ann: 'She didn't ask about Andy being drunk, did she?' Leslie: 'Oh. No. Just your kind of standard questions.' Ann: 'There was one annoying thing. She and Mark had sex with each other.'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie to Mark: 'It has come to my attention that you had sex with Ms. Malwae-Tweep. That's personal. It's unethical and it's irresponsible for a public servant to have sex with a member of the press corps. Especially when you have sex with someone who is so skanky.'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie reacts to 'huge dork' with visible wounded dignity, then formally: 'Well, I can't allow that kind of behavior from someone serving on my subcommittee.' Mark: 'Well, then I resign from your subcommittee.'

Leslie:Leslie calls Shauna to arrange a do-over: 'I accidentally ate an old burrito.'

Leslie · Shauna:Shauna: 'Yeah, I guess I'm free. I'm assuming not Mexican.' Leslie: 'Why?' Shauna: 'Because of the burrito.' Leslie: 'Oh! Yeah, well, it wasn't a Mexican burrito.'

Shauna · Leslie:Shauna reads a series of increasingly absurd quotes about the park from unnamed sources: 'The Sullivan Street pit is always going to be a pit.' / 'Hey, you should write an article on unicorns, because they're more likely to exist than this park.' / 'You should write an article on the Pope getting married...' / 'You should write an article on talking monkeys.' / 'You should write an article about leprechauns.' / 'You should write an article about the sun falling out of the sky.' / This one is just 'No.'

Shauna · Leslie:'This park is never, ever, ever, ever going to happen.' — attributed to Mark Brendanawicz.

Mark · Leslie:Mark insists the 'never ever ever ever' quote was 'off the record.' Leslie: 'Did you say it was off the record?' Mark: 'Do you have to say it's off the record?' — a pause — 'Oh, God.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Well, I'm writing an op-ed piece about media ethics for the Pawnee Journal.' (in response to 'you busy?')

Leslie · Mark:Leslie offers to reinstate Mark: 'Would you like to be reinstated onto our subcommittee?' Mark: 'Absolutely.' Leslie: 'You'll have my answer within the month.'

Leslie:Leslie reads the article: 'Pretty drunk, Ann's on the pill.' Leslie: 'I didn't throw up, I spit up.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'JJ's Diner gets a nice mention.' (reading the article)

Leslie:Leslie reads the article's final line: 'She writes, and I quote, We'll see.' Leslie: 'Ends on a hopeful note.'

Leslie:This is a symbol of new beginnings, a symbol of hope, and of our project. We will build this park!

Leslie · Andy:What kind of music does your band play? / You know, I don't really like to define it, but it's like Matchbox Twenty meets The Fray. / So, rock. / Well, again, I don't really like to define it.

Leslie:Oh, you guys. You know how I love mixing work into my personal life.

Leslie · George:Leslie's 'date' is actually a political meeting her mother set up, revealed gradually as Leslie pivots from zoning codes to the man discussing her dating life

George · Leslie:Leslie's 'date' asks 'What kind of movies do you like?' mid-political-discussion, shifting the entire dynamic

Leslie · Leslie's Mom:Hi, Mom. He thinks we're on a date. / Did you tell him we were on a date? / Honey, if I told you it was a date, you never would've gone. / You're not getting any younger. / Well, neither is he. And he's 62 years old.

George · Leslie:Chicken, chicken, chicken! / Mmm. / Delicious, right? / Mmm-hmm. / I really like this restaurant. / Yeah. It's a great place for a business meeting.

Leslie · George:You already asked me that. / Oh. Sorry. Senior moment.

Leslie:Damn it. I missed it?

Leslie:Mark and I are really connecting tonight. Like we connected that night when we made love five years ago. There's actually a lot of similarities between those two nights. That time we were also at a bar. And he was also pretty drunk.

Mark · Leslie:Damn it! I was so close there! / Yeah, so... It was pretty close! / So far to the left! So far to the left!

Mark · Leslie:Unbelievable! That's unbelievable! / You missed the entire pit, which is huge, by the way.

Leslie · Mark:Okay, this pit. Give it to me straight. Are we ever gonna turn it into a park? / Leslie, this is already a park! Look, I mean, you got Dirt Slide over here, you got Ring Around The Diaper you could play there, you've got Duck, Duck, Glass you could play right there. Mystery Trash. What's not to love about this park, right here, now?

Leslie:Screw it. I'm gonna try to do it anyway. I mean, Kennedy put a man on the moon. He did. I can build one park.

Leslie:Leslie (or someone) performs the full 'Parents Just Don't Understand' rap by DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince as an apparent icebreaker or party trick

Leslie · Staff Member:'Thank you. Thank you. Just a little something I know. So, what's up? / Someone is on fire in Ramsett Park. They need you to get down there right away. / Oh, my God.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Chimpanzees are very smart, so we had them graduate from college.'

Leslie:'And they like to fling their feces, so we were hoping that they would fling their hats. But they just flung their feces.'

Leslie:Leslie performs a penguin wedding ceremony: 'Tux, do you take Flipper, to be your lawfully wedded wife?' — and the penguins are both male

Mark · Leslie:Mark punches Leslie in the arm: 'Just to be clear, that was a friend punch. There was no flirtatious meaning behind that playful punch I just gave your arm.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking head: 'I really hit rock bottom that night. And I mean that I literally fell to the bottom of a pit and hit a rock.'

Leslie:'I remember laying there thinking, "There's probably a good reason why I'm down here and single." And then I started thinking, "I need morphine."'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie's reaction to being called an activist: 'No, I didn't stick my neck out. It was an accident.' / 'I'm in the mainstream.' / 'No! Uh-uh.'

Leslie:'Last year, a garbage man was suspended for wearing a Live Strong bracelet.'

Tom · Leslie · Ann:Tom reveals: 'Pawnee has a gay bar? / Yeah. The Bulge. / It's behind my house. / The Bulge is a gay bar? / Uh, the nights I've wasted there.'

Leslie:'Leslie! Hey, girrrrrl!' / 'With eight R's.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom defends his peach snake shirt: 'Yes, 'cause it was featured in Details magazine. And it's awesome.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking head: 'The thing about youth culture is, I don't understand it.'

Donna · Leslie:'Hey, why are you all dolled up? / It's a long story. I'm the guest of honor at this gay bar tonight.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'I guess gay men are starting to like me. I don't know. I guess they think I'm fabulous or something.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking head: 'That was hands-down the best interaction I've ever had with Donna.'

Marcia · Leslie:Marcia: 'Well, why else would you marry penguins?' / Leslie: 'Because I firmly believed that it would be cute. And it was.'

Marcia · Leslie:Marcia to Leslie: 'Leslie, are you married?' / Leslie: 'No. Not yet, Marcia. Soon, probably. I have a plan, but, no, not now. Not dating anyone yet. Focusing on my career.'

Leslie · Marcia:Leslie tricks Marcia into giving her directions to the parking lot mid-confrontation

Leslie · Ann:Leslie suggests inventing a secret language: 'Oh, me, neither. Look, let's invent our own secret language that only we understand. And then we can use it around people and no one will know what we're talking about. / Okay. / But in the meantime, I'm just gonna tell you in English.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'I just want to let you know, I was really serious about that secret language.'

Leslie · Tom:At The Bulge: 'I can't believe this is a gay bar. / Yeah, especially with that heterosexual cowboy greeting us on the way in.'

Leslie:Leslie's party strategy: 'Our position is, we have no position.'

Leslie · Ben · Derek:Leslie: 'This one is on us.' / 'Well, if it's free...' — Leslie immediately abandons her plan because the drinks are free

Leslie:Leslie's speech: 'I would just like to say thank you so much for throwing me this party, especially on a night when the Colts are playing.'

Leslie:Leslie holds up a green drink: 'This is green.' — deadpan, while being honored at a gay bar

Leslie · Crowd:Leslie's speech derails: she tries to say she wasn't taking a stand, but the crowd chants 'Leslie! Leslie!' and she ends with 'I just have one thing to say! Together we can change Pawnee forever! Let's dance!'

Ann · Leslie:Leslie texts Ann a 'medical emergency'; Ann arrives sober and annoyed: 'And maybe next time don't use the words "medical emergency."'

Leslie:Leslie's talking head from the party: 'You know why tonight's fun? 'Cause everyone's so gay. And they know how to have fun, and the dancing! Just, it's... Everyone is just who they are. And who they are is just stone-cold gay.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'I had three drinks named after me, so that's pretty fun. Plus, Ben and Derek are taking me shopping on Saturday. And we are gonna find out my actual bra size. I guess I'm kind of like queen of the gays.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron calls out the contradiction: 'That's funny. Somebody just told me you were queen of the gays. / That was me.'

Joan · Leslie:Leslie's guessing game: 'Guess who? / Uh... Megan Fox? / One of the Desperate Housewives? / No, Joan Callamezzo.'

Leslie · Marcia · Joan:On the TV show, after Marcia's resignation demands, Leslie: 'Oh! Is that it? / That would do it. / Anything else? You want me to jump off a building? Perform hara-kiri? Move to a different town? / No, I kid.'

Leslie:Leslie's live TV outburst: 'I bust my ass for the people in this city... I have one night of fun with some of the best dancers I've ever danced with, and suddenly everybody's freaking out?'

Leslie · Joan · Callers:The caller sequence: three consecutive callers all say Leslie should resign, with the third saying 'I just want to say that I love the zoo, and the zoo is really fun. / Thank you. That's really sweet. / And I think you should resign.'

Leslie:Leslie to Marcia: 'Attendance is up 30% at the zoo, by the way. You're welcome.'

Leslie:Leslie's passionate defense: 'Last time I checked, I don't think I murdered anyone, or had an affair, or did drugs! But I apologize. I apologize for having fun, and for making something cute!'

Leslie:Leslie looks at the penguins and says: 'Look at them. They're just in their own little penguin love bubble. / I guess that's what it's like when you meet your mate and know you're gonna be together forever.'

Leslie:Leslie at the penguin enclosure: 'Look at them. They're just in their own little penguin love bubble.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie tells Ann she called Mark and told him Ann is 'dying to go out with him': 'Plus, I already called him and told him that you were dying to go out with him, so have fun.'

Leslie:Leslie reveals she already called Mark and told him Ann 'was dying to go out with him': 'Plus, I already called him and told him that you were dying to go out with him, so have fun.'

Leslie:Leslie's epilogue: 'So, I transferred the penguins to a zoo in Iowa. Gay marriage is legal there, so hopefully, they'll be happy. At least they'll be together.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Oh, look! Six Flags! I should take them on a water slide. / They might die. But it would be so cute!'

Leslie:Hos before bros.

Leslie:Uteruses before duderuses.

Leslie:Ovaries before brovaries.

Leslie:Anyway, I'm over it. Or am I? I'm just kidding.

Tom · Leslie:Tom names plants after rappers: 'Those are, of course, tomatoes. Or souljaboy tellems.'

Leslie:Those ludacrises are coming in great.

Leslie · Ron:Ron's escalating non-responses to all of Leslie's attempted contact methods: text, emails, paged, voicemail — all ignored.

Leslie:That'll leak to the press. Then there'll be an investigation. And they'll find my fingerprints on the manure. And then we'll lose our funding.

Leslie · Tom:We need to find out who we're dealing with. Who is this kingpin? / It's a 13-year-old kid named Stevie who likes to get high and make his Transformers look like they're having sex.

Leslie:I would like to be president some day, so, no, I have not smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once... It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any pot in it. It was just an insanely good brownie.

Leslie:You know, if we catch him, then we avoid a scandal, 'cause we flip the headline. And it's not 'community garden infested with pot', it's 'brave public servants rid neighborhood of drugs, earn praise from mayor, comma, everyone.'

Leslie:Leslie reveals the stakeout supplies: notepads, pencils, pencil case, shakable whipped cream, cameras, gorp, and candy necklaces. 'It's like we're real police.'

Leslie:And I made us a mix CD. It's all filled with songs about people watching people. It's mostly Sting.

Leslie · Tom:Leslie put their faces on the mix CD cover.

Leslie · Tom:Are you gonna wear that shirt? ... Tommy Hilfiger? / No, Tom Haverford. I spent 120 bucks to get it monogrammed. Everyone thinks it's Hilfiger.

Leslie:Leslie: 'Her name's Ann. You know her name. Her name's Ann.' — correcting Tom.

Tom · Leslie:Tom's confessional monologue listing Mark's conquests: 'hot chick from the newspaper, hot chick from the post office, hot chick from the hospital.' Then: 'Her name's Ann. You know her name.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom: 'Nobody turns him down.' / Leslie: 'I did. Yeah, I did. We were drunk, and he tried to kiss me, and I said, nuh-uh, no, sir, Mark Brendanawicz. I don't need your business here.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie has been playing shovel guitar for about an hour to pass stakeout time. Tom plays bucket drums.

Leslie · Tom:What about Barack Obama? / Yeah, fine, Barack Obama. If I knew a dude named Barack Obama was gonna be elected president, maybe I wouldn't have changed it.

Andy · Leslie · Tom:Andy is revealed to be living in the pit — 'For now, yeah. It's awesome.'

Leslie:Leslie, when Andy asks how Ann is doing: 'Doing good tonight. She's out on a... Ann is great. And I bet she really misses you.'

Andy · Leslie:Andy enthusiastically eats the candy necklace in one go: 'Oh, my God!' / Leslie: 'You know there's a string in there.' / Andy: 'Not in this one.' / [He begins bouncing off the walls from the sugar rush]

Andy · Leslie:Leslie accidentally reveals Ann is dating someone: 'Is she? / What? / Is she dating somebody else? / What? / She's dating somebody else? / I didn't say that. / Who is she dating? / Nobody. Mark.'

Leslie:Leslie threatens the cop with 'I could have Ron Swanson down here. Kicking down your doors.' — cop asks which branch of government. Long pause. 'Parks and Recreation.'

Leslie:'Do I stutter?' — Leslie's defiant follow-up after revealing she's from Parks and Recreation.

Leslie:Leslie explains to Officer Dave why there's photography equipment, manure, and candy in the van: 'I brought the candy, a lot of it, because I love it.'

Leslie:Leslie's full confession to Officer Dave: 'My best friend was going on a date with my ex-lover. It's been a very long night.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Prison changes a man. I think he'll wanna see a familiar face when he gets back on the outside.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom is released from custody and finds Leslie waiting with his chocolate. Tom: 'It's not your chocolate. Don't... get your hands off that.' Leslie, caught eating it: responds sheepishly.

Officer Dave · Leslie:Officer Dave offers Leslie his coat, then immediately takes it back: 'Really? / Actually, no. I need that for my uniform.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom, to Leslie after a beat: 'Mark's an idiot. You could do a lot better than him. Forget about him.' / Leslie: 'Thanks, Tom.' / Tom: 'I didn't mean me. Keep it in your pants, Knope.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'I hope Ann and Mark got home okay.' Tom: '...That's all that matters. That Ann is home, and she's okay. And that Mark is also okay, and he is in his home. Just important that they're both in their homes.'

Officer Dave · Leslie:Officer Dave, examining the garden: 'You don't think I know the difference between carrots and marijuana?' [holding up what are clearly carrots]

Officer Dave · Leslie:Officer Dave accuses Leslie of inventing the weed story to spy on Ann's date: 'You made up a story about weed so you could stake out their date. / I did not. There actually was weed here. / It's okay. I think it's kind of cute.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom spots something on TV: 'Oh, my God, I can't believe this is on!' / Leslie: 'I wonder if mini golf is open. Home!'

Ann · Leslie:Ann: 'We didn't think you were a pervert. We thought you were a criminal.' / Leslie (in confessional): 'For the record, I still actually kind of think he's a pervert.'

Leslie:Leslie announces she got Ron flowers, then reveals everyone owes $90 because she ordered a bouquet 'after a few glasses of wine'

Leslie · Tom · Donna · Jerry:Leslie casually informs her colleagues they might be getting daffodils too, listing them with varying degrees of certainty: 'Jerry, I don't know, I'm not sure. Time will tell.'

Tom · Leslie:'The girls from Talent and Poise are gonna be there?' — Tom mishears 'talent and poise' as the name of a strip club

April · Leslie:April brings Leslie an iced mocha, then 'completely unrelated' announces she's signed up for the pageant

Leslie:Leslie tells April she wants to reward 'awesome girls like you, who are not, you know, classically hot'

Dave · Leslie:Dave sees Leslie's calendar photo and asks 'Is that your grandma?' — it's Madeleine Albright

Leslie · Ann:Leslie in confessional: 'Wanna hear something awful? He didn't even know Madeleine Albright.' — Ann replies 'Who?' — Leslie: 'Not you too.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie asks Ann: 'Could you date someone who doesn't love giving vaccinations?' — Ann replies 'I've never dated anyone who loves giving vaccinations.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie introduces Tom: 'Hello, fellow judges. I'm judge Leslie Knope, and this is my colleague, Tom Haverford, who's gonna be a judge.'

Leslie · Tom:The contestants walk out — visual beat of the audience seeing the actual women representing Miss Pawnee

Leslie:Talking-head after Trish's intro: 'They can't all be winners.'

Leslie:Leslie's confessional after April's impression: 'She got me. She got me good.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Don't applaud that. Don't. She didn't answer my question.'

Leslie:Leslie reveals in confessional: 'I'm a judge, so I don't want to sound partial, but Trish will win this pageant over my dead body.'

Jessica · Leslie:Jessica reveals her winning talent was packing a suitcase

Leslie:Leslie's pageant speech: 'Especially Susan. This isn't the first time that Susans have lost to Trishes. And it won't be the last.'

Leslie · Trish:Leslie tries to give a gracious speech to Trish, then Trish's crown falls off mid-sentence at 'one, two, three'

Leslie:Leslie calls Officer Dave 'Officer John McClane' and quotes Die Hard: 'Welcome to the party, pal.'

Leslie:Leslie agrees to the date but asks if Sandra Day O'Connor, Michelle Obama, Condoleezza Rice, and Nancy Pelosi will join them

Dave · Leslie:Dave: 'I looked that up to impress you.' — Leslie: 'I figured.'

Leslie · Ron:'Why does anybody want to run for public office? You're just asking to have your entire life exposed.' / 'Well, if you're squeaky clean, like I am, there's no problem.'

Leslie · Dave:Dave and Leslie's awkward goodbye: 'Roger that.' / 'Copy. Over and out.'

Leslie:Leslie talking-head confessional: 'I'm not nervous. Why should I be nervous? We're just two people going on a first date. There's nothing to be nervous about.' — clearly extremely nervous.

Leslie · Ann:Leslie interrupts a story about someone's life being saved to ask Ann for first date outfit advice, specifically requesting 'a pair of cargo pants' and 'a sexy hat'.

Ann · Leslie:Ann responds to 'a sexy hat': 'I don't know what that even is.' / Leslie: 'Helping already.'

Leslie:Leslie's spiraling hypothetical fears: 'What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much? Or not enough?'

Leslie:Leslie reads from note cards: 'What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if, instead of tic tacs, I accidentally pop a couple of ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?'

Ann · Leslie:Ann: 'Those are all insane hypotheticals, and I promise you they won't happen.' / Leslie: 'They have happened. All of these have happened to me.'

Leslie:Leslie's catalogue of actual dating disasters: vinegar mistaken for terrible wine, 3D glasses guy, sidecar detachment down stairs, man trying to pull her tooth while she slept — 'We went out after that, but then he got weird.'

Leslie:Leslie anticipates the earpiece date-coaching plan, names it accurately before Ann can suggest it: 'I know what you're thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit at a table nearby... let me tell you, it never works.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie's practice date note cards include: 'Whales, parades, electricity... and the rest are blank.'

Leslie:Leslie gives a 'thorough history of the teeter-totter' including the Danish word 'oppe og nede apparat' meaning 'the up and down machine'.

Leslie · Ann:Ann asks Leslie to ask her a spontaneous question; Leslie freezes, then: 'How big is it?' / Ann: 'Really?'

Ann · Leslie:Ann as fake-Dave: 'You're 20 minutes late. I almost left.' / Leslie: 'I was... dropping my niece off.' / 'What's your niece's name?' / 'Torple. What? I don't know.' / 'That's not a name.' / 'I don't have a niece.'

Leslie:Leslie panics and excuses herself to the 'whizz palace... the place where you... you know, the toilet thing.'

Ann · Leslie:'Do you want to watch a porno after this with me and my wife?' / 'No, Dave, 'cause you're disgusting.' / 'So it's definitely a no?'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie breaks character: 'Why are you being so terrible? We're 2 people trying to go on a date. It's supposed to be fun. It's a date.' / Ann: 'You're right, it is.' / 'Well done.'

Leslie:'You coy bastard.' (Leslie's apparently affectionate response to something)

Leslie:Leslie's talking-head: 'Ann is so awesome. I'm lucky to have a friend who would spend a whole day being so mean to me.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann throws dress to Leslie: 'Catch.' / Leslie: 'I don't need your dress. I'm gonna wear my own stuff. Me power.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann's pep talk escalates to both women yelling 'Hell yeah! I am awesome! You are too!' repeatedly and increasingly loudly.

Leslie · Dave:Leslie shows up at Dave's door drunk at midnight to announce she is 'awesome' and their date will be 'off the charts.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'I don't know. I do know. I'm coming inside, so move. Okay? You make a better door than a guy.'

Leslie:Leslie's response to Dave's midnight confession: 'Is there anything you would like to share from your past to sort of balance the scales?' / 'One time, this guy rang my doorbell at midnight to brag about getting laid when he was 16, so I shot him. Good night.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'On my list of embarrassing things that I've done in my life, that was... numbers one through seven.'

Dave · Leslie:Dave: 'You can make it up to me tonight on our second date.' / Leslie: '2nd?' / 'Last night was our first date, so that would make tonight our second.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking-head: 'Well, we went on our first date, and I didn't even know it — a.k.a. I nailed it. No fires, no ambulances. Just good old-fashioned showing up drunk at a guy's house late at night.'

Leslie:Venezuela is a poor country. These men are not used to the wealth and flash that we have here in central Indiana.

Leslie:Our guests are going to stay in a motel for sure.

Leslie:I had to drop the rock-and-roll bowling alley from our itinerary. One of the most difficult phone calls I've ever had to make.

Leslie:Yes, we'll get our pathetic servant boy to fetch your luggage. Go, boy.

Leslie:There might have been a translation problem. When I said party, I meant one that did not include sex for pay, but one that had food and drink and dancing.

Leslie:Off to kind of a weird start. We have so much to learn from each other.

Raul · Leslie:What kind of birds do you eat? / Chickens. / Us too. Amazing.

Leslie · Raul:Water. / I'm sorry, Agua. / In our country, government officials drink only bottled water. / That water's very safe to drink. / No. Bottled.

Leslie:A bottle of high-fructose corn syrup made right here in Pawnee's own Sweetums factory. 'If you can't beat 'em, Sweetums.' Since 1891. And eight and a half dozen rubber baby-bottle nipples. Also made here in Pawnee. Kernston's Rubber Nipples. 'Tastes like the real thing.'

Leslie:His English isn't perfect, so I don't think he realizes how insulting he's being.

Leslie:I mean, that's why people respect Hillary Clinton so much. She's the strongest, smartest punching bag in the world.

Raul · Leslie:I would like to see where the children are fed the sweeteners. Our restaurant?

Leslie:The Venezuelans are very confident people.

Leslie:We'll go to Chicago and pretend it's part of Pawnee. Or New York. Or London! The money's different. They'll figure it out. Never mind. We'll go to the park.

Leslie · Raul:Well, the motel we're putting you up in is really nice. You can watch TBS. Do you have TBS in Venezuela? / I have everything in Venezuela. I have four satellite dishes on my estate. We get 14,000 channels.

Raul · Leslie:This is an embarrassment to America. / I'm sorry? / You are right to want to correct this.

Leslie · Raul:This is already a park. And it's one of our best-loved parks. / Why are the trees so small? / They're not that small. Besides, size doesn't matter. / Yes, it does. Our trees are huge. We build tunnels through them.

Leslie:Great, we don't have Lady Gaga. And I don't think she's gonna come here unless her career takes a very bad turn.

Leslie:But we have something more beautiful than Lady Gaga. Democracy.

Leslie · Raul:Well, the location rotates. Sometimes we have them on the volleyball courts. / Where do you hold yours? / Well, now that you asked, we usually rotate as well between different fortresses and citadels and palaces.

Leslie:That's one perspective.

Pawnee Citizen · Leslie:These pretzels suck. / Thank you. See?

Raul · Leslie:No wonder nothing ever gets done here. / Nothing gets done? Tell that to the Golden Gate Bridge or American Idol or the moon. Oh, wait. You can't 'cause you've never been.

Leslie:I think you're rude. And you've been rude since you came. And I think that your medals are stupid. And your uniform is lame. And you guys want to marry Hugo Chavez.

Raul · Leslie:Do not disrespect Chavez. / Stupid Chavez. / I told you not to disrespect him. / I did. / That's twice. / I don't like Chavez. / You do, and do not disrespect him. / No, I don't. / Yes, you do. / No, I don't, Raul.

Leslie · Raul:Great. / Good, shut up. / We're shutting up, yeah. Here we go. / Those are our pens. / Great. We don't even need them. / Great. Then don't take them. / We didn't.

Leslie:They started it.

Leslie:Yesterday I was tough and direct. And today I have to be charming. Basically, yesterday I was Hillary Clinton, today I'm Bill.

Leslie · Ann · Tom:Maybe I should return the money. It's from a foreign government. I don't really trust them. / Are you crazy? / You could buy a low-end Lexus. / Or you could build a park.

Leslie · Tom · Ann:Pro, $35,000 worth of dirty money. / Con, not quite sure why that's a pro. / Pro, we can fill in the pit. / Con, Ann already said that. / Pro and con never works. / Pro, yes, it does.

Leslie · Jerry:Fine, we'll keep the money, OK? Everybody happy? / Jerry, are you happy? / What did I do? / Meeting adjourned.

Raul · Leslie:OK, you can show it to the camera, and say how much it is and what it is for. / Okay, this is a check for $35,000, and it is to build a park. / How generous. / Yes, it's really generous. / Now say, 'Viva Venezuela.' / Viva Venezuela. / Viva Chavez. / Thank you, Venezuela. / Viva Chavez... Say it.

Leslie:Viva Chavez.

Leslie · April · Raul:What is he saying? / They are very happy. They say Hugo Chavez will love this video, because it is another success for their committee.

Leslie · Mayor Gunderson · Raul:Viva America. / Viva Pawnee. / Viva mayor Walter Gunderson. / You have offended us.

Leslie:No, America is not perfect. But diplomacy isn't just sucking up and being a pushover. Sometimes you got to get tough... And it's not going to have a fountain shaped like Hugo Chavez's head spitting water all over everyone, unless that's what the people want. And that, sir, is democracy.

Leslie:Credit card fraud reveals someone bought both Netflix AND Blockbuster Online simultaneously

Leslie:I needed all 11 discs of Gossip Girl at the same time.

Leslie · Credit Card Rep:$120 in tuition to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Leslie:They give you a little wand and a diploma, it's fun.

Leslie · Credit Card Rep:What'd you major in? Potions.

Leslie:Leslie takes herself off speakerphone after the Hogwarts exchange

Leslie:I'm gonna take you off speakerphone. Go ahead.

Leslie:Jessica Simpson clip-in hair extensions. I wore those once.

Leslie:Man-Pillow, the pillow shaped like a man. Also something called 'bucket of cake'.

Leslie:I think someone stole my credit card so cancel it. Do you wanna hear what else they purchased? Don't refund anything. Just cancel the credit card and we'll all go on with our lives.

Leslie · Colleague:What does a man-pillow look like? Daniel Craig. It's for my lower back.

Leslie · Ron:We're all volunteering for Kaboom! A service organization that says it builds a playground in a day. High five. I never trust anything that quickly. That's why I don't eat minute rice.

Leslie · Mark:There's something I wish I could kaboom. Well, we are. It's just a slow boom. A slower, more deliberate kaboom.

Leslie · Jerry:Jerry, did you use permanent marker again? I'm sorry, guys... Forget it. Let's all pretend Jerry wasn't born.

Leslie:Forget it. Let's all pretend Jerry wasn't born.

Leslie:Everybody take out their thinking caps. And rip them up. Then take out your doing caps, 'cause we're gonna do something today.

Leslie · Mark:I wanna move like a cheetah. Or a slug driving a remote controlled car. Something more plausible than that, but fast.

Mark · Leslie:Would you break the rules? I won't murder.

Leslie · Ann:Say you had a friend who wanted to do something good, but a little risky, and she was kind of nervous. And this friend is me. What should I do?

Ann · Leslie:What are we doing? Is it dangerous? We're not gonna murder anyone.

Leslie:I've never rented a guy before. Wish I knew about that during prom.

Leslie:Look! I had these hard hats made. Check it out... 'kick ass'. I'll take that one.

Leslie:I didn't wanna tell him my real name, you know?

Leslie:First speech, easy... important moment here.

Leslie:We are about to fill this hole now. Not with dirt, but with the courage of a thousand lions. And the solemn memory of all of our friends who have fallen in this cursed hole.

Leslie:I'm sorry about Andy, but I'm not sorry about what I did. What's my crime? I got bold? And a little negligent?

Leslie · Ron:Can I smoke in here? You don't smoke. Just asking if I can.

Ron · Leslie:Are you high? I'm high on kaboom!

Leslie · Ron:Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness. That's right, you never did ask me for permission, did you? I'm sorry to burst your ka-bubble, but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the city manager, and now this entire department is ka-screwed.

Leslie · Ron:Ron, I'm so, so, so sorry. What the ka-*** were you thinking?

Leslie:It's awful what happened to Andy. But sometimes when you make an omelet, you gotta break a few eggs. What's the alternative, no omelets at all? Who wants to live in that kind of world? Maybe birds. Then all their babies would live.

Leslie:Is that all you lawyers think about? Lawsuits, and laws, and legalese?

Scott (attorney) · Leslie:You can't say 'I'm sorry', or 'I apologize.' It implies guilt. Can't say 'victim'. Can't say 'unfortunate' and 'situation'. I can't say the word 'situation'? No, it implies there was a situation.

Leslie · Scott:Can I give him the pig? Pig's fine.

Leslie:Hope you squeal better.

Leslie:Andy, I just wanted to say, I am so, so, so... filled... with emotions. As any person would.

Leslie · Scott:No miming. You were in the pit. We're not conceding that point. You were in a place... we're both here now. The government... We gotta go.

Leslie:Hey, Andy, it's your aunt. Your mom or dad's sister. I don't know how to tell you this, but... your uncle has passed. He's with Jesus now. So we're having a memorial in 30 minutes at city hall.

Leslie:Hey, free guitars at city hall! Everybody run!

Ann · Leslie:That was weird. How long have you been there?

Leslie · Ann:Has he showed up naked before? Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays.

Andy · Leslie:I want Ann back, and she said she needs a guy with a lot of money. That doesn't sound like Ann. I can't really do her voice.

Leslie:Wait a second. I know I just said that shortcuts are bad, but I kind of just thought of an awesome shortcut.

Leslie:I think that Andy seems like he doesn't care so much about the second one. And he would be fine with us just filling in the pit.

Leslie:Usually in these situations a person says 'pinch me.'

Leslie:Good-bye, pit... hello, lot.

Leslie:How does taking risks make me feel? Amazing. Tingling sensation throughout my whole body. I feel flushed. My muscles feel relaxed, yet I feel awake. Just waves of pleasure. I wish there was something physical that can make me feel this way.

Ann · Leslie:You did it. You thinking what I'm thinking? There's so much more to do. We're so close!

Leslie:I'm gonna call kaboom! and check on their availability for next year. Great. Information. Hi, I'd like the number for kaboom! The national playground building charity. I hope they can work us in.

Leslie:Leslie's confessional: 'Frankly, I think Ron was acting like a baby. A little bit. What is he afraid of? Tammy's just a woman. A nice woman. You know, she's not a murderer. She's not a dragon.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie awkwardly paraphrases herself to Ron: '"It's just coffee, Ron." "She's changed, Ron." "I let Mark nail me and we're still friends."' Ron: 'I never... I would never use those words.' Leslie: 'Point taken.'

Leslie · Tammy:Leslie: 'You want Ron. That's what this is all about.' Tammy: 'No, that's insane.' [pause] 'Fine, I had one dream, but no, no.'

Leslie · Joe · Meeting Attendee:- What was it this time? - Chocolate pudding. / That's new.

Leslie:We've had someone throw acid at it, tomato sauce. Someone tried to stab it once.

Leslie:We really need better security here. We also need... better, less-offensive history.

Leslie · Joe:Joe, you work in sewage. Your department literally specializes in crap. You wanna do this?

Leslie:Look at Madonna... Great singer, amazing arms. Look at O.J. Simpson... Heisman trophy winner, naked gun.

Tom · Leslie:No offense, Leslie, but I'm not an artist. / That's not true. I've seen your fingernails. / I pay someone to do this. / Really?

April · Leslie · Ron:Only Ron can order the whole department to do something. / Ron, order them to do this. / Do whatever Leslie says.

Leslie · Tom:Designers, make it work. / Tim Gunn.

Leslie:I know everything about this town and these murals, and that's why this is a dream come true... Literally. I have had a dream where I designed a mural. But then it turned into a nightmare because the mural started talking, and it came alive, it was whispering, and I couldn't hear what it was saying, so I leaned in close, and then it ate me. At one point, Gina Gershon was there.

Tom · Leslie:Some professional-ass art right here. / I'm not sure what I'm looking at. / It's abstract, Leslie. / Over here, you got some shapes. And then you come over to this side... You know, it's actually kind of interesting. Each shape is its own thing... But then when it comes together, it really gives you a sense of... completion.

Leslie:A piece of art caused me to have an emotional reaction. Is that normal?

Leslie:So it's the Last Supper but with famous people from Indiana. John Mellencamp, Larry Bird, Michael Jackson, David Letterman, Vivica A. Fox. Okay, so here's where it gets a little dicey, 'cause there's not that many celebrities from Indiana, so... a NASCAR, my friend Becky, Ron Swanson...

Tom · Leslie:Who's the Jesus? / That would be Greg Kinnear. / I didn't know he was from Indiana. / Yeah, you know, I read that he was.

Tom · Leslie:Do you think he's the best choice for Jesus? / He was great on ER... / Greg Kinnear wasn't in ER. / Yeah, he was. / I don't think that he was. / Who am I thinking of?

Leslie · April:I have one question. Why? / If you have to ask, you don't get it.

Leslie:If we're gonna beat the others, we have to choose something that will stand the test of time... Like the Mona Lisa or the music of Squeeze.

Leslie:June 8, 1922. The Pawnee bread factory burned to the ground. We lost a lot of good bread that day... As well as several human lives. And it also made the whole town smell like toast, which one resident described as 'disturbingly enticing'.

Leslie:People love voting for tragedy. Look at the Oscars. This is our holocaust movie. This is our English Patient.

Tom · Leslie:One to one to one to one to one to one. / We all voted for ourselves, didn't we?

Leslie:It's like if you got Michelangelo and Andy Warhol and Jackson Pollock and Jim Davis from Garfield to do one painting. Imagine how good that painting would be!

Leslie:It's like if you got Michelangelo and Andy Warhol and Jackson Pollock and Jim Davis from Garfield to do one painting. Imagine how good that painting would be!

Mark/Ben · Leslie:You made a camel. / You've never heard that saying? A camel is actually a horse designed by a committee.

Mark/Ben · Leslie · Mark/Ben:...one ugly camel... featuring Bill Paxton. / Greg Kinnear. / Right. / Is Bill Paxton from Indiana?

Leslie:The camel's way more fun. I want my team back. And my team made this hot, crazy camel mess. So this is what we're gonna submit, even if it means we lose. God, I hope we win. But we're definitely gonna lose. Probably.

Presenter · Leslie · Presenter · Leslie:Who is he carrying? / Jesus Greg Kinnear. / It looks like he's carrying Kinnear into the burning building. / That's because he's moonwalking. So he... Should be goin' the other way. / That did not occur to me.

Leslie:We didn't win. But neither did anyone else. They realized it was gonna cost a ton of money, to hire a muralist. So they're just gonna restore the old one. They're changing the title to the diversity express.

Leslie · Andy · Councilman Howser:Leslie yelling 'Giddyup!' while riding Andy's back past Councilman Howser mid-pitch

Leslie:"The only trails he's gonna be surveying are trails of lies and deception."

Leslie:"Not all the guys. He's never taken me. Fine, all the men."

Ron · Leslie:Ron denying the hunting trip while turkey calls are audibly playing: "Hunting trip? We're doing a trail survey, Leslie."

Leslie:Leslie pointing to audible turkey calls: "Is this not rap?"

Ann · Leslie:Ann saying she's 'ready to relax by the fire and get my Real Simple magazine on' — and Leslie revealing Ann is now a licensed Indiana hunter

Leslie:Leslie retaliating with her own pantsing, yelling 'I'm the pants queen!' — and reveals she has suspenders connecting her bra to her jeans specifically for this threat

Tom · Ron · Leslie:Tom chewing tobacco for the first time and swallowing it

Leslie:"That's why they call it chew and not swallow."

Mark · Leslie:Mark tells Leslie she's 'so pretty you're not used to rejection' when assigning hunting pairs

Ron · Leslie:Ron warning Leslie not to invite 'more of the motor—' and getting accidentally shot mid-sentence

Leslie · Ron:Leslie: 'You surprised that my breasts didn't throw my aim off?'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie bets Ron $100 she bags more birds than him

Ron · Leslie:Ron: 'Let's split up. I do it better alone.' Leslie: 'Yeah, you do. See? Just one of the guys.'

Ann · Leslie:"Your favorite cake can't be birthday cake. That's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal."

Ann · Leslie:'Look, some kind of bird. Let's kill it.' immediately followed by firing into the woods

Ann · Leslie:The sound of a shot followed by 'What were you aiming at?' 'Nothin'.' — establishing someone has fired at random

Leslie · Ann:Leslie: 'Can you put him on the day bed in the carcass room?' Ann: 'Day bed?'

Ron · Leslie:Ron accusing Leslie of shooting him: 'Did you... Did you shoot me? There was a bird kind of near me, and I know you want to prove yourself.'

Ron · Leslie · Ann:Ron threatening to bite Leslie as she tries to force him to vomit: 'I'll bite you!'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Ron, grab his moustache!'

Tom · Ann · Leslie:'Maybe Ron shot himself. He has seemed really depressed lately.' 'He was shot in the back of the head.'

Ranger · Leslie:The ranger interrogating Leslie about the shooting: 'I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision.'

Leslie · Ranger:Leslie's escalating fake confession: tripping, safety on/off, tunnel vision, icky feelings, chocolate, new bra, 'I was thinking with my lady parts', 'I want to have babies', 'when my life's incomplete I want to shoot someone'

Leslie:Leslie's increasingly incoherent alibi: mid-trip vision → shot at quail → safety was on → tunnel vision that girls get → 'I let my emotions get the best of me' → 'I was thinking with my lady parts'

Leslie:Leslie's final alibi statements: 'This would not happen if I had a penis!' / 'Bitches be crazy.' / 'I'm good at tolerating pain, I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron's series of 'shoot me in the head' sarcastic invitations — Super Bowl halftime, men's restroom stall, doctor's prostate exam

Ron · Leslie:Leslie offers to make it up to Ron; Ron: 'Sure. How 'bout you shoot me in the head? Wait, you already did that!'

Ron · Leslie · Tom:Ron to Leslie: 'You're a real stand-up guy.' Then to Tom: 'I'm sorry I lost my temper. It was because I was shot in the head by a moron.'

Tom · Leslie:'Pants king.' 'Pants queen.' — Leslie and Tom exchanging their earlier titles as a moment of reconciliation

Leslie:They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, but they used the wrong kind of oil and a bunch of people had to get their throats replaced.

Leslie:Because I don't want to. (Leslie's real reason she can't go to the fourth floor)

Leslie:I don't know what those are. (Leslie's response to Tom's Avril Lavigne/Sum 41 reference)

Leslie:I did a little research, and divorce is the number two most stressful event in a person's life. Of course marriage is number seven. So watch out, everyone. It's all bad.

Leslie:Tom always seems like Mr. Slickster cool guy, but he's hiding his emotions underneath a very thick layer of axe body spray.

Leslie · Ron:Don't be all like, 'I don't want to. I am a guy, and I like fire and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no, says I.' — Leslie's impression of Ron

Ron · Leslie:That was a really good Ron. / Thank you.

Leslie:So, Tom... / So you had a divorce / Of course of course / And no one enjoys a divorce of course — Leslie's Mr. Ed parody song

Leslie:There's a really fun documentary about tandem bicycles at the art house. Supposed to be pretty unapologetic.

Leslie:Would the glitter factory be okay with whoever suggested strip club?

Leslie · Ann:I will have the Jamaican jerk chicken veloci-wrap. / I'm gonna get the tricera-chops, please.

Leslie · Jerry · Tom:Here's what I think we should do. Everyone should go around and say one thing that they love about Tom. / I really wish I could have your body. / What? / Like, tied up, naked, in your basement?

Jerry · Leslie:No, I mean, you're in good shape, and you can eat whatever you want. Well, that was weird, Jerry.

Leslie:I thought I had Tom all figured out, but it's almost like he's faking being sad. Why would he do that? (Leslie's confessional)

Leslie:Somebody punch someone. (Leslie's reaction to the pool bet situation)

Leslie:A cheese fountain? A ruby? A goose heart?

Leslie:Want some steak? Champagne? Think of something and we'll get it. What do you want? A cheese fountain? A ruby? A goose heart?

Tom · Leslie:She's a tall, beautiful surgeon. I'm a short, beautiful government employee slash club promoter. / You're a club promoter? / Aspiring.

Leslie:Now the sadness is pouring out of Tom. Like blood from a pterodactyl after it's attacked by a T-Rex.

Leslie · Tom · Unnamed character:Crap. / We are going to the Glitter Factory. / What? / I can't go back there. But if you see Jasmine, tell her she can keep Anthony, but I want my microwave back.

Leslie:I'm a feminist. I would never, ever go to a strip club. I've gone on record that if I had to have a stripper's name, it would be Equality. But I'm willing to sacrifice all that I've worked for just to put a smile on your perverted little face. So don't blow this.

Leslie:Lap dances are on me. I mean, I'm paying for them. They're not gonna actually be on me.

Leslie:I kind of feel like Jane Goodall studying the chimps. 'Cause there are some feminist scholars who say that stripping is a feminist act.

Leslie · Tom:Go put these in places I do not approve of. / I'm gonna put these in places you've never heard of.

Leslie · Dancer · Leslie:This is Seabiscuit. / Sierra. / Sorry, it's loud in here. And I gave her money to writhe around on your parts.

Leslie · Sierra/Seabiscuit · Leslie:This is Seabiscuit. / Sierra. / Sorry, it's loud in here. And I gave her money to writhe around on your parts.

Leslie:Really grind the sorrow out of him. And then afterwards, reconsider your profession, but for now, grind away.

Tom · Leslie · Tom · Leslie:I don't want to do this. / Is it because you have a strong, positive, female figure watching you? / No, it's because I'm miserable. / Never mind. Thank you, Seabiscuit. That'll be all.

Leslie:Never mind. Thank you, Seabiscuit. That'll be all.

Leslie:It's perfectly normal to feel devastated when something's over. It's exactly how I felt when that Planet Earth series ended.

Leslie · Tom · Leslie:60 days! And then she's free to marry Ron Swanson. / What? Ron? / He's gonna ask her out. He told me.

Leslie · Ron:What is wrong with you? I wish I wasn't alive to hear myself say this, but I am ashamed to be your deputy.

Leslie:I don't get men. If they're not wagering their girlfriends in pool, then they're trying to steal each other's wives. It makes you question the whole notion of those bromance movies.

Leslie:I don't get men. If they're not wagering their girlfriends in pool, then they're trying to steal each other's wives. It makes you question the whole notion of those bromance movies.

Leslie · Ron:Could you carry him out of here? And, you know, also maybe not have sex with his wife? Thanks. / From the knees. He weighs eight pounds.

Leslie · Wendy:My God. You insensitive little hussy. Excuse me? / Halt.

Leslie · Wendy's Guest · Wendy · Wendy · Guest · Wendy:You're not divorced yet and you're inviting other men over? / You're married? / Technically, yeah. / That's my husband. / Who's he carrying? / No. That's his boss. My husband's the one that's being carried. By his boss.

Leslie:You know what? You and Ron will be perfect for each other. You should get married and start a club for people who betray Tom Haverford.

Leslie · Tom:My God, because you're Libyan. / No, damn it. Wendy's from Canada.

Leslie:How could there possibly still be glitter on me? Takes forever to get off. My crotch looks like a disco ball.

Leslie:Sorry she called you selfish of course / She just didn't know the full story of course / But now that she does she's sorry of course / She loves being your deputy — The Mr. Ed parody reprise

Leslie:Sid Asnov is a former city councilman. Some of the jokes are sort of inside.

Leslie:Classic!

Leslie:This could not be more perfect if I had planned it myself. Which I did. And it's awesome.

Leslie:everyone's gonna do Santa for two hours, so I would just advise everyone, before you get in your costume, to go to the bathroom, so we can avoid what happened last year. It was just farts.

Leslie:our tree lighting ceremony will be simulcast on Internet radio.

Leslie · Dexhart:I don't want you to apologize. I want to know who told you. / Nobody told me nothing!

Dexhart · Leslie:Was it the babysitter? Was it the nurse who delivered our love child? / I got the babysitter pregnant, then when she was in the delivery room, I had sex with not one, but four nurses in a supply closet, as well as a woman whose husband was getting a liver transplant.

Leslie:I haven't heard any of this, ever, in my whole life.

Leslie · Ann:It was fine. Pretty straightforward. / Short meeting. He's a busy guy. / Yes, very busy.

April · Leslie:Do you want me to seduce Perd Hapley? / How would that help? / I don't know. I just want to see if I can do it.

Leslie:April, I appreciate that, but I don't think it's something worth losing your virginity over.

Jerry/Garry · Leslie:I have heard a lot of very, very interesting chatter around the shoeshine stand today. / A lot of things. Like, 'Can you believe it?' and, 'The Parks lady boned Dexhart,' and, 'Of course she did, she's totally good to go.' And one guy was like, 'I wouldn't hit that.' And the other guy was like, 'Me neither.' And then this third guy was like, 'I would.'

Leslie:I would be lying if I said that I never thought I would be involved in an incident like this. Except I always assumed that I would be the politician and the man would be accused of sleeping with me. And that man would be the vice president, and I would be the president.

Ann · Reporter · Leslie:Leslie Knope? Alexa Softcastle, Pawnee Sun. Can I ask you a few questions? / Don't say anything. / I'm not afraid to say anything. Okay? I have nothing to hide.

Reporter · Leslie:Some people are saying this isn't the first time that you've had sex with a married councilman. / Who's saying that? / Some people.

Dave · Leslie:I think I know you pretty well, and that doesn't sound like you. / Thank you. / If I ever see that guy, I'm gonna punch him right in the face. / Yeah, that's sweet. Use your nightstick.

Ann · Leslie:You could learn how to surf. / I know how to surf. / I took lessons when I was a kid. I'm actually pretty good. / I bet you are.

Leslie:In 2004, a kid from Pawnee went to the Olympics, and it was reported on for over a year. He wasn't even competing or anything, he just was going, literally, to watch the Olympics.

Leslie:It was way too easy to get this guy here.

Dexhart · Leslie:To be honest, being linked to Leslie is a lot less damning than the real story. / You're like a glass of whole milk. / What are you, Lutheran? I love Lutherans.

News Anchor · Leslie:We have pictures of City Councilman Dexhart... with Leslie Knope... The big issue now is, who is this mystery woman? She and Knope are standing very close to each other, and any time you see two women standing very close to each other... Please don't say it. ... lesbian.

Leslie:Leslie calling the TV station: 'Hi, this is Leslie Knope, and I would like Joan to clear all of her guests tomorrow, because I'm coming on the show.' ... 'Yes, I'll hold.'

Joan Callamezzo · Leslie · Ann:Well, sure. I see you brought your girlfriend for support. That's nice. / What? Oh, no. She's not my... / And in five, Joan. / She's a... We're... Four. Three. / You've got it wrong.

Joan Callamezzo · Dexhart · Leslie:You know what? That's a really good idea. Let's bring him out! / Councilman, come on out! / Hi, sweetie.

Leslie · Dexhart:Joan, this whole Pawnee Sun story is 'gotcha journalism' at its worst. / Honey, let's just keep our private life in the bedroom where it belongs. / We do not have a private life! Stop saying that we have a private life!

Leslie:Leslie: 'The fact is, we never slept together, and if we did, you would have proof, and we would have seen it by now.'

Dexhart · Leslie:She has a mole on her right buttock. / What? That is a total lie. You've never seen my butt. What are you talking about? / He has never seen my butt.

Leslie · Ann · Joan Callamezzo:Fine. Here, Joan. Why don't you look for yourself? / Is this happening? / Wait. / There's no mole. There is no mole. / This exclusive story, there is no mole on Miss Knope!

Leslie · Dexhart:Thank you. / However, I have no plans to resign.

Leslie:Oh, great. Okay, Councilman. You know what? You're a class act.

Leslie's Mom · Leslie:Honey! Thanks, Mom. / That took guts, mooning Joan Callamezzo!

Leslie:It's gotten a lot harder to work in government. You think Winston Churchill ever had to pull his pants down and show his butt? No. But would he have? Yes. Now, could he have? Well, maybe not towards the end of his life, but he would have. Because he loved his job.

Jerry/Garry · Leslie:Oh, thank God! / There's a bunch of messages waiting for you about a bunch of things I don't understand.

Chris · Leslie:'That really hurt!' / 'Are you okay?' / 'Oh God! It looked so much easier on the Internet. God, I gotta borrow some of your ice!'

Leslie · Terminal Illness Teacher:Teacher reveals her class is called 'Coping with Terminal Illness' in response to Leslie's cheerful advice to make students leave with a smile.

Leslie · Terminal Illness Teacher:'Hopefully your attendance is good!' / 'Actually, no, hopefully it's bad.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking-head about learning 'hair braiding, biscuits, and French kissing' at rec center classes — 'The French kissing was just from a boy in my biscuits class, but either way, lesson learned.'

Justin · Leslie:Justin mentions a fish reminds him of his mom. 'Why?' 'It's just being really withholding.'

Justin · Leslie:Justin reveals the exotic food is camel stomach, then immediately backtracks — 'I'm teasing, it's chicken' — then offers actual camel stomach.

Leslie:Leslie's talking-head: 'I've racked my brain and I can't come up with one exciting idea.'

Leslie · Ann:Ann suggests a simple one-on-one dinner; Leslie immediately hijacks it into a 'big rambling party' and calls their lunches 'think tanks.'

Leslie:Justin once ate fried cockatoo with a member of the Thai Royal Family

Leslie · Ann:A dinner party! That's genius... No, I actually meant more like a one-on-one thing. / I know what you meant, but I took your idea and I made it better. / It's called a think tank, Ann.

Leslie · Tom:Leslie tells Tom he's being invited because he comes from 'the most distant and exotic land.' Tom: 'South Carolina?'

Andy · Leslie:Andy is polishing a bench and asks Leslie if he can come to the party. Leslie invites him — to serve coats and food at $10/hour. Andy: 'My guardian angel!'

Leslie:Leslie spots a newspaper from November 1986 and says 'Oh, the first rumblings of Iran-Contra! Don't throw that out!'

Ann · Leslie:The birdhouse exchange: 'What do you need this birdhouse for?' / 'I might need it.' / 'What about this one?' / 'Well, if two birds come along?'

Leslie · Maria:Maria (organizer) keeps winking at Leslie after insisting her help won't influence Leslie's class-cutting decision.

Leslie · Organizer Teacher:Oh! No, no, I insist on paying. / No, no, I insist on demonstrating. / This is not gonna affect my decision at all. / Oh! Of course not. / Stop winking.

Tania · Leslie:The cooking teacher's food is 'a very good sampling of what my level one class does, which I hope you'll keep in mind.' Leslie: 'Tania, like I said over the phone—' Tania: 'I know. It won't influence your decision.'

Mark · Leslie:Mark mentions he's been to Leslie's house before. Leslie: 'You've been here? Right.' Then an awkward beat.

Ron · Leslie:Ron arrives and immediately starts to tell a story about Mayor Gunderson's dog. Leslie: 'Everybody stop talking until Justin gets here. Don't use up your stories.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron continues trying to tell the dog story anyway. Leslie: 'What part of not talking do you not understand?'

Leslie:Leslie's wish list talking-head: 'build a new park from scratch... eventually become president... solve a murder on a train.'

Leslie:Leslie tells Justin it's going to be 'the best, most exciting night of your life. I cannot over-hype it enough.'

Tom · Justin · Leslie:Tom greets Justin with 'I have the swine flu.' Justin: 'Oh...' Leslie: 'No, she doesn't.'

Justin · Leslie:This is the best Old Fashioned I have ever had. Where'd you find this bartender? / Oh... I think... I don't know. Like, maybe the Yellow Pages. / There's no way that you're paying him enough.

Leslie:Leslie's attempt to 'casually' join Justin and Mark's conversation is immediately derailed — she starts describing a scenario where her 'face is literally on fire but it's a weird chemical so no one can see the flames.'

Leslie:A belly dancer shows up at the dinner party, apparently uninvited. Leslie: 'It's weird, but she just showed up.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie scolds Tom: 'Tom, I need your help. There was a lull. I saw Justin yawn. Please tell me that yawning is a sign of excitement in India or something.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking-head: 'People hear about a killer party at Knope's house, they all come running.'

Tom · Leslie:I would like to say that Leslie is incapable of using people for her own gain. / Thank you, Tom. / But I can't, because Leslie loves using people for her own gain.

Leslie:Leslie's apology to Tom for inviting Wendy escalates: 'I put a beautiful man in front of an adorable man-child.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie extends the metaphor: 'I put a big white stallion in front of a little brown pony.' Tom: 'Totally uncalled for.'

Leslie:Leslie explains why she turned herself in: 'It's every girl's dream to ask a dude how their date went under penalty of perjury.'

Leslie:Leslie adds: 'The most important thing is, there is now an official government document that proves my dinner party kicked ass.'

Leslie · Evelyn:Leslie greets the mayor's aide: 'Oh, hello! I've always dreamed of you.' Then immediately corrects: 'Excuse me? Meeting you.'

Leslie:Leslie's elaborate taxonomy of the Parks Department's Most Wanted Pest List, including 'Poopy the raccoon who poops all over the high school cafeteria'

Leslie:Leslie dismisses Animal Control: 'Let's be honest. Animal Control is not the most effective branch of our government. They're a bunch of burned-out morons.'

Leslie:'Ma'am, the next time we speak, we shall be dancing on the grave of a possum.'

Leslie:And hot orange juice, weirdly delicious.

Leslie:Leslie to Animal Control supervisor: 'We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog.'

Animal Control Supervisor · Leslie · Harris · Brett:Animal Control supervisor says his two best guys are Harris and Brett, but they're not there — then immediately: 'Isn't that them, there?' 'Nope.' — and we see it clearly is them.

Leslie · Eugene:Eugene's Animal Control team can't start until Monday even though it's Wednesday.

Brett · Harris · Leslie:Animal Control guys Brett and Harris hear about the possum on the golf course and casually ask if Leslie will just catch it herself and call them to pick it up — as if that's a reasonable work arrangement

Andy · Leslie:Andy immediately tackles the possum before any plan is executed, yelling 'I got it!' as Leslie is mid-sentence laying out the strategy

Andy · Leslie:The possum ends up on Andy's neck after he catches it; 'It's on my neck! Okay, okay, okay, okay! He's on my neck!'

Leslie:'Task force coming through! Task force clear. Resume golfing.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom on the golf course: 'How long do you think it would take me to learn golf, Leslie?' / 'I could teach you... you have to get up early, hit the range, practice reading greens.' / 'Yeah, I don't want to do all that. I think I just want some of those dope pants.'

Leslie · Andy · Harris · Brett:Leslie gives the flanking plan to the Animal Control officers and Andy — then Andy immediately charges before she finishes

Leslie · Evelyn:After the capture: 'I was just the simple mastermind who planned the whole operation and executed it to perfection.' The reporter immediately redirects to Andy.

Andy · Leslie:'Please, my friends call me Andy Radical.' — 'No, we don't.'

Leslie · Evelyn:Leslie immediately starts listing 'special favors' she wants from the mayor's office: extra recycling can, laminated bus pass, 'What time do you usually go to sleep? Because my best ideas usually come to me at night.'

Leslie:Leslie's farewell to the mayor's aide: 'See you in hell, buddy.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking-head on possum certainty: 'Am I sure the possum we caught is Fairway Frank? Yes. Am I quite sure? No. Am I sure enough? Maybe.'

Leslie · Shauna:Leslie interrupts the reporter's line of questioning about Fairway Frank to insist the possum be called 'just a possum' — setting up a correction that immediately undermines the whole mission

Ron · Leslie:Ron arrives in Leslie's office wearing a golf glove with a pom-pom that 'fell off' — he pretends to have come in to search for the pom-pom as a pretense for checking on Mark

Ron · Leslie:Ron, discussing the pit project with Leslie: 'So, how's your hole?' Leslie answers seriously, then catches herself — 'Excuse me? The pit.'

Leslie · Shauna:Leslie shows the reporter a business card and begins over-pitching it: 'This isn't a really big story, right? Nobody cares about this very much.'

April · Groundskeeper · Leslie:The golf course groundskeeper is shown photos and confirms it's Fairway Frank — but the photos shown are of three different possums. Groundskeeper: 'Huh.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking-head can't list her shortcomings: 'I can't kill the possum because it might be innocent. I can't let it go because it might be guilty. I can't make a good soup, can't do a handstand in a pool, can't spell the word lieutenant. There's a lot of can'ts in my life right now.'

Leslie · April:'Let's make it happen, Captain.' / 'Don't call me that.'

Leslie:Leslie's distraction: 'Help! Help, my arm looks like it's bleeding!' — and then immediately: 'Oh, look how much it's bleeding. Everybody look at it. I need everyone's full attention during this.'

Leslie · Evelyn:Leslie reveals where the possum is to Evelyn — in a house 'somewhere the mayor can never pee on it' — implying the mayor's plan is to pee on it

Leslie:Leslie refuses to reveal the possum's location 'no matter how much you ask me,' then immediately says she'll stop talking 'because I'm afraid I may accidentally say where it is.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom reads about the 'innocent duck / vicious goose' case from Walnut Creek — Leslie's reaction: 'No, it's awful, Tom. How would you feel if you killed an innocent duck and let a vicious goose waddle free?'

Tom · April · Leslie:Tom gets a call from April saying the possum escaped at Ann's house. He immediately promises April not to tell Leslie — and then the VERY next line: 'The possum got loose at Ann's house.'

Leslie · April:Leslie worries the possum has 'laid eggs in the bed.' April: 'What if it's in here? What if it laid eggs in the bed?'

April · Leslie:April confesses she doesn't want to call Andy because 'it's my fault it's in Ann's house, who he's obviously still in love with. I just don't want him to be mad at me.'

Leslie · April:Leslie says 'And, April, any time you want to talk about boys...' — April: 'Oh, my God! Stop!'

Ron · Leslie:Ron's reaction to Leslie's resolution of the possum situation: 'Well, Miss Knope. I have to say I'm very disappointed.' — Leslie: 'You didn't have to say that, you could've just thought it.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking-head on her future: she imagines attending a gala 'honoring the first three female presidents in history, myself and two other women I've inspired' while 'wearing a huge, beautiful, blue hat'

Ann · Leslie:Ann's final reaction: 'I'm gonna go. / I think that would be best.'

Leslie:The hummingbird lottery: winner gets to refill bird feeders, not win a hummingbird

Leslie:Scientifically, hummingbirds are the world's cutest animals. I mean, they're so small. And they have tiny beaks. And they only eat sugar water. I mean, what beats that?

Leslie:Come on. Baby monkeys in diapers? Yeah. They do.

Tom · Leslie:I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd. / No. That's Mr. Funny Noodle. And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him.

Leslie:David Meyers, the Jewish guy who works at City Hall, once told me something. A 'schlemiel' is the guy who spills soup. A 'schlimazel' is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both.

Leslie:Okay. Okay, guys. That's enough. / Unless somebody has another good one.

Jerry · Leslie:No, I just curled up and laid still until they left. / Well, that's another way to play it.

Leslie:Did any of them have weird tattoos or scars? If even one of them had a unique scar, we got them.

Leslie · Ben/Mark · Leslie:I feel like we're responsible for this. / Why? We didn't mug Jerry. / Well, why was he in the park? Because we tricked him into going. I don't see the connection.

Leslie · Colleague · Leslie:Our friend got mugged this morning. And we will not let that happen in vain. / He doesn't have a black eye. / Well, frankly, the whole department has a black eye.

Leslie:I have some folders. Inside are some assignments. And some homemade taffy.

April · Leslie:So, when you say that you want me to check in with the police liaison, you mean hook up with him, right? / No. Just check in.

Leslie · Leslie · Tom:He needs a lot of support. / Tom. / Talking about a bra for a man.

Tom · Jerry · Tom · Leslie:You went on a vacation and you chose Muncie, Indiana? / Yeah. My wife and I have a time-share. / In Muncie? / Tom, Muncie is a lovely city.

Jerry · Leslie:I don't know, Leslie. I'd rather be back at the office. / I know this is painful for you, Jerry, but you have to be strong.

Leslie · Carl:Can't you station a Park Ranger out here? / We have! Who do you think they're assaulting?

Leslie:One way or another, I'm going to get money so you can protect Jerry, and all the other helpless, pathetic people in this town.

Leslie:This is my co-worker, Jerry Gergich. Diabetic. Sloppily out of shape. Friend.

Leslie:He was mugged this morning in Ramsett Park. Who's next? Your frumpy uncle? Your simple neighbor? Your unpopular co-worker?

Leslie:So, what is the solution to fix this? To make it right. And not bad.

Paul · Leslie:Make sure you bring the doofus who got his ass kicked. / I don't know who you're referring to. We treat everyone with respect around here.

Leslie · Jerry:He can't talk right now because he has hysterical muteness from trauma. / Correct.

Leslie:Carl, could you quietly quiet down for a second, and please tell me what is going on, quietly? Okay? In a quiet voice.

Carl · Leslie:Fine. I'll have sex with you in exchange for the tape. / That's not what I am saying. Okay?

Carl · Anchor · Leslie:I finally saw Avatar and I thought it lived up to the hype. / Well, I'm not sure what that has to do with the mugging. / Uh... Leslie. Counterpoint. I disagree with Carl. I have seen Avatar as well, and I think it exceeded the hype.

Leslie:I am part of a great team. And sometimes, the best way to maintain a strong team is just by letting someone know that he is still a part of it. / This is the only copy, and I am going to destroy it. / Right after I watch it one more time. / I'm sorry, but it is so good.

Leslie:'Think of the September issue of Vogue, but it's more important to Pawnee, mainly because we don't get Vogue here.'

Jerry · April · Leslie:Morgan the pedophile is in the softball photo — 'We had dinner together.'

Leslie:Leslie's three-point critique of April's pitch: wrong season, complete gibberish, child looks abandoned — 'So basically, boo.'

Leslie · Tom · Mark:Leslie texts the group from someone else's phone pretending to be them — 'She just texted me from your phone and said she left her phone at home and that I should come here immediately, and why did I believe that?'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie suggests the universe guided Tom to come: 'Maybe in your heart you knew it was from me, but you came anyway.' / Mark: 'Nope.'

Leslie · Tansley · David:'Classic David. You're worse than Ron.' / 'Shut your damn mouth, Tansley.'

Leslie · Clarence:Leslie says 'When I say parks, you say department!' — Clarence yells 'Apartment!'

Ron · Leslie:Leslie made Ron bacon for a trail snack; Ron already ate it out of her purse and 'could smell it before I even parked my car'

Clarence · Leslie:Clarence explains women shouldn't be in leadership because menstruation directs blood away from the brain

Leslie:Leslie's silent reaction to Clarence's sexism — cut to her talking head saying only 'No! No!'

Leslie:'Holy god.' — Leslie's reaction to Clarence's bear comment

Leslie:Leslie threatens to shove Clarence's face into the brambles; turns to Ron: 'You're next, buddy.'

Tom · Leslie · Ann:Tom calls the photos of Ann and Mark on the swing 'the unhappy wife photos'; Leslie immediately agrees that Ann looks miserable.

Leslie · Ron:Leslie's welcome letter is blank — she printed a blank piece of paper

Leslie:Leslie replacing the welcome letter with the 'Yearning' fragrance ad: 'Good-bye, distilled wisdom of 50 years of experience. Hello, disgusting fragrance flap.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron accidentally takes a personal/embarrassing photo when looking for the picnic photo; Leslie calls it 'the wrong one' but admits the 'real one's very bad as well.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron and Leslie's bar — 'The usual, Marta' — they have regulars at a diner that serves breakfast at night

Leslie · Ron:'I really made love to the pooch on this one.' / Ron: 'Screwed the pooch?' / Leslie: 'I don't like that term. It's so vulgar.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie: 'Are we gonna hate each other someday?' / Ron: 'I don't think so. I think we're gonna be fine.'

Leslie:Leslie's counter talking-head: 'I'll win.' — after detailing her plan to double the parks department

Ron · Leslie:Ron: 'Oh, why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?' / Leslie: 'People are idiots, Leslie.'

Leslie:Leslie's welcome letter conclusion: 'they taught me a valuable lesson — there's nothing more important than friendship'

Leslie:Leslie's talking head: 'For realskies? I'm not really quite sure how I feel. I'm happy for them. They're my friends. It makes me a little nauseous. If I could just sum it up in one word, it would be, um...'

Leslie:[gasps] Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

Jerry · Leslie · Ron:Jerry reveals he's been scheduling all meeting requests for March 31st because he didn't think March 31st existed, then sings the rhyme wrong.

Leslie · Jerry:Leslie corrects Jerry: 'June and November.' Today is March 31st. 'I know.'

Leslie · Jerry:Leslie asks how many meetings she has today. '93.' [Strangled groan]

Leslie · Ron:Leslie suggests they try to get seven more meetings to make it an even 100. Ron tells her to stick to 93.

Leslie · Ann:Leslie takes her coffee and Ann's coffee for Mark, saying 'next time more sugar.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'I'm gonna need more Ron Swansons.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie throws her boots at Tom to get his attention, says 'Oh, these are tight' when he complains.

Leslie · Ron:'Someone is trying to alter a gazebo.' — Leslie treating this as a genuine emergency requiring immediate departure.

Leslie · Tom:Everyone in the car reacts to Tom's cologne cloud — 'Door! Door! Door! Door! Close it.'

Jessica Wicks · Leslie:Jessica wicks mispronounces/mangles Leslie's name as 'Leslie Knorp.'

Jessica Wicks · Leslie:Jessica says 'where I come from there's a saying: what's done is done.' Leslie replies: 'That's a saying everywhere.' Jessica: 'I've never heard it before and I think it's a great saying.'

Leslie:Leslie, furious about the destruction: 'History is important. You just can't go around changing everything all the time or else next thing you know they'll be painting the white house... not white. I'm so angry I can't think of another color.'

Leslie · Jessica Wicks:Leslie: 'Your husband's a mushy, old, pile of rot.'

Ron · Leslie:Leslie calls Ron urgently. Ron's response: 'Leslie, I haven't relieved myself in five hours. So if you'll excuse me.'

Leslie · Councilman Howser:Leslie walks in on Councilman Howser using the bathroom. 'Miss Knope. Councilman Howser. Not that I saw anything other than your face.'

Leslie:After the bathroom encounter resolves, Leslie deadpans: 'I saw your penis.'

Leslie:Leslie addresses the reporter dramatically: '[dramatically] Gazebo? More like Ga-zoinks-Bo.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'She may be a former beauty queen, but today she's the king of destroying history.' Reporter tells her to just talk normally. 'Okay, fine. Ga-zoinks-Bo.'

Leslie:'Sweetums owns the Pawnee journal.' Leslie: 'Crrr-AP on the cob.'

Leslie · Reporter:Leslie: 'Thank God! That was it, right?' Reporter: 'Uh, no, there's one more.' Leslie: 'Damn it to hell!' Reporter: 'It's with me. And it's right now. And it's about me quitting.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie chains herself to the gazebo gate; tells Tom to 'throw away the key. Seriously?' 'Yes, throw it!' — Tom throws the key

Tom · Leslie:Leslie chains herself to the gate to stop demolition equipment. Tom: 'Really thought that gate would open in the middle.'

Leslie:Leslie talking-head: 'I really thought that gate would open in the middle.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom keeps snapping the gate (the mechanism) after the gazebo is destroyed. 'Cut it out, Tom.' 'It never gets old!'

Leslie:Leslie's gate injury explanation: 'Nothing's bruised but my ego and my arm a little from the mechanized gate.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie's reason for being upset isn't the gazebo — it's that 'every time a couple gets married, I'm about to lose two good friends.'

Leslie:Leslie crashes the Newport birthday party to give a toast. 'I know you're probably thinking there's that crazy gate lady from outside back again.'

Leslie:Leslie's toast escalates: 'to change, and forgiveness, and the future, and Ann and mark, and happiness, and Nick Newport, Sr. May all your future gazebos live long and prosper.'

Jessica Wicks · Leslie:'Please leave.' 'Is it weird if I ask to take a piece of cake with me? I won't. Go.'

Leslie · April · Ann · Ben:A puppy arrives in the office and multiple adults immediately lose their minds over it — 'Puppy! A puppy is here! Can we keep him?'

Leslie:I do say the cutest stuff. [talking head to camera]

Leslie:Leslie bursts in yelling 'Fire! Fire! Fire!' — dramatic pause — 'In my belly. Because the 24-hour Pawnee Cares Diabetes Telethon starts tonight.'

Leslie:Pawnee is the fourth-fattest town in the U.S. It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa, and certain parts of The Mall of America.

Jerry · Leslie:Tonight's kind of a big night. You know, all my kids are away, and... / Gross! No! It's Jerry's sex night. That ruins sex and tonight.

Leslie · Ron:'Diabetes. Let's Dia-beat-this.' Yeah. Four hours to come up with the slogan. Four hours to embroider them. Time well spent.

Leslie · Tom · Ben:No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon. / No. She should be on the hot air balloon, and you should ride up on horseback. / Oh. Wait. She's in the balloon, you ride up on horseback, you point to the sky, up there, skywriting, 'Marry me, Ann.'

Leslie:Get as many eagles as you want.

Tom · Leslie:Does Pawnee Cable Access even have hair and makeup? / Well, they have a communal lipstick and a box of combs.

Leslie:NutriYum bars... They're terrible. But they give me an insane 15-minute burst.

Leslie:My nana used to tell me, 'You'll sleep when you're dead.' ... 'Don't put me in a home.' 'Tell the truth and shame the devil.' 'The devil knows where you're hiding.' 'If you take enough rides with the devil, pretty soon, he's going to drive.'

Leslie:She was really into the devil.

Jerry · Leslie:Hey, do these phones dial out? / Yes. Why? / No reason. / Leslie, you know what? My phone has 25 lines. I think it might be a switchboard. / Congratulations, then. You got the most lines. / Figure it out, Jerry.

Joan Callamezzo · Leslie:Good evening and welcome to the tenth annual Pawnee Cares Diabetes Telethon. I'm Pawnee Today's Joan Callamezzo. And I am not a crook. / No, he's not.

Ron · Leslie:What time is it? I'm tired already. / It's 8:03. Your shift doesn't start for another six hours.

Leslie · Denise Yermley:From Pawnee's most bookable personality, Denise Yermley! [Denise performs 'Sweet Dreams' as a slow, bad torch song]

Leslie:Clipboard mouth. [Leslie is making strange gestures with a clipboard against her face]

Leslie · Ann:There's some secret ingredient in these NutriYum bars that makes me feel so good. / Sugar. It's a block of sugar.

Leslie:Leslie is shaken awake at 1:45 a.m. saying 'Tigers.' [Single word, mid-dream]

Leslie:There are two types of diabetes, but only one type of caring. Type One caring. And tonight, God willing, we will all be stricken with that.

Leslie:Well, okay. Slight hiccup. But we're back on track. / See that board? When my shift is done, that board is going to read $20,000.

Leslie · Ann:God, we're not getting any donations coming in. I'm tired of waiting for people to call us. Let's call them. Everybody call somebody. / Leslie, it's the middle of the night. / Well then, good. They'll be home.

Donna · Leslie:Donna is making a personal phone call to her brother George in Liberia, during the phone bank shift.

Donna · Leslie:He wants to know what happened on Lost. / Oh, thank God.

Ron · Leslie:Ron reveals he has 'sleep fighting disorder.' Leslie: 'That must be terrible.' Ron: 'Only when I'm losing.'

Leslie · Jerry:You don't have a second egg? / No, but I'm a very good piano player. I'd be happy to go up there and give it a shot. / Why are you wasting my time? This is really serious!

Ron · Leslie:Ron demonstrating chair re-caning on the telethon. 'Over. Under. And you guessed it. Over.' / God, he's actually losing money.

Barney (tax software man) · Leslie:When it comes to preparing taxes... The only thing that's taxing is deciding which software to buy. [A man delivering tax software ads on the telethon while Leslie has a breakdown]

Leslie:I am completely screwed. I have no Schrempf, no backup plan, no more NutriYum bars. / What do people want to watch? Cute animals on a bike? No time to train one. Hot people kissing? I don't know. Maybe Mark and Ann would...

Leslie:Have you ever seen this man sleep? It's like underwater ballet.

Leslie:I think you should propose to Ann tonight. On camera. For diabetes.

Leslie · Mark:Don't you remember when Ahmad Rashad proposed to Mrs. Cosby on TV? / No. / I do. Most women do.

Leslie:Is there a story behind it? Was she on the Titanic?

Leslie:But coming soon, a really amazing thing is going to happen. So, get your wallets out or get your handkerchiefs out. Or get your tissues out, if you're like me and think handkerchiefs are gross.

Leslie:One Butt, Two Seats: The Widening of America. [Video title shown on telethon]

Leslie:Hey, Leslie. It's Leslie. Hang in there. I love you. Bye.

Unknown Telethon Performer · Leslie:I will now drink eight glasses of milk in three minutes. / No. No, you won't. No, you won't. Because if you do that, you will die.

Leslie:Well, Pawnee. It's almost 6:00 in the morning. And, we need to keep those donations coming in. / Leslie. / No. Should I come up now? / No. No. What we're going to do is we're going to pull our pants down. That's what we're going to do. Everyone's gonna pull their pants down for diabetes.

Leslie · Mark · Ann:So, that's why you pulled your pants down. / Yeah. / Wait, what did I do?

Leslie · Ann:I'm a little tired. / Okay. / So, I may have parked on your front lawn. / You did. / I did. / Oh! / Yeah.

Leslie · Ron:Leslie asks 'Until when?' / Ron: 'Indefinitely.' / Leslie: 'And when will that end?' / Ron: 'Later than now.' / Leslie: 'So this week probably?'

Ron · Leslie:Leslie's anger-management technique revealed: 'We count backwards from 1,000 by sevens and we think of warm brownies'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie responds 'I'll wait for you to show up' mirroring Ron's instruction to go wait in her office

Leslie · Chris:Leslie says 'maybe these people are very helpful and pleasant--' and is immediately cut off by Chris Traeger entering with maximum enthusiasm

Leslie:Chris confessional: 'Chris is the most positive state budget auditing consultant I've ever met. I mean, I made eye contact with him, and it was like...staring into the sun.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben, one-on-one with Leslie, opens with 'I really like your shirt' before pivoting to asking where the waste is in her department

Leslie · Unknown colleague:Immediate cut to two different talking heads — Leslie: 'There is none' / a colleague immediately after: 'Where do I start?'

Ben · Leslie:Ben asks what Tom can tell him about Jerry Gergich; Leslie calls him 'one of the best people on the planet' and says firing him would cause a revolt

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'You're a jerk.' Ben: 'I'm sorry?' Leslie: 'Easy.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'This building has feelings? Maybe. There's a lot of history in this one, maybe it does.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann asks 'You wanna get super drunk?' and Leslie responds 'I really do.' — then they immediately start looking for their friend

April · Leslie:April to a drunk Leslie: 'Ben the jerk is here.' / Leslie: 'Who are?' / April: 'That one. The one coming over here. Get ready.'

Leslie · Ann · Ben:Leslie tells Ben to leave: 'I just talked to everybody in this bar and nobody wants you here.' then after he leaves, Ann says 'Leslie, that was so professional. I'm so proud of you.'

Leslie:Leslie may have made out with someone the night before and doesn't know who: 'I just had this feeling when I woke up this morning like I definitely kissed somebody.'

Chris · Leslie:Chris offers Leslie a vitamin from a large collection: 'B12? Evening primrose oil? Willow bark? Magnesium?' Leslie declines, he insists it's good for hangovers, she relents.

Leslie:Leslie tells Ben: 'You may hold my fate in your hands like a small bird, but I still think you're an ass.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben's response to 'you're an ass': 'You wanna get a beer?' / Leslie: 'It's like 10:30 in the morning.' / Ben: 'Yeah. You seem like you could use a beer.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann reveals to Leslie that they didn't make out — but drags out the revelation for maximum suspense: 'This is going to be so fun letting you dangle until I finally reveal that we did not make out.'

Leslie:Leslie's response to learning she did NOT make out with Ann: 'Oh, [bleep]. Damn it.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben reveals he was once the 18-year-old mayor of Partridge, Minnesota. Leslie: 'Why does that sound familiar?'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'What was that song you played at the swearing-in ceremony?' Ben: 'Whoomp! There it is is what it was, yeah.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben do 'Whoomp! There It Is' at the bar — they both know the song and sing along together awkwardly/delightedly

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben toast and she does a 'Mr. Mayor' riff: 'Oh, no, please, Mr. Mayor. Let me.' Then they play 'Whoomp! There It Is' on a jukebox.

Leslie · Ron:Leslie checks the last man on her list: 'Hey, Ron, did we make out last night?' / Ron: 'Good God, woman, no.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Okay. Well, that's it. That's all the men that I know.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'I'm sorry, I just started hearing really loud circus music in my head. What did you say?' — in response to the government shutdown announcement

Leslie:Opening narration: 'There is a crazy flu going around. Lots of miserable, dehydrated people with high fevers and diarrhea.'

Leslie:Leslie denying she's sick while clearly symptomatic: 'I'm feeling really tired. I think maybe my allergies are acting up. I've already vomited, like, five times today.'

Leslie · JJ:'I bet you say that to all the girls.' / 'Oh, no. No, actually, you're my favorite. You spent over $1,000 last year on waffles alone.'

Jerry · Leslie:'You look tired and you're all sweaty.' / 'You look tired and you're all sweaty all the time. What's your excuse?'

Leslie · Tom · Donna · Jerry:Leslie bursts through the barricaded door and starts touching everyone's stuff while they recoil in horror. 'She's germing up all my stuff.'

Leslie:Leslie insisting she's not sick while describing a clearly illness-based Claritin chain: 'I took a Claritin and I threw that up, so I took another one. I threw that up. And then, I took a third and it stayed down. I'm getting better.'

Leslie · Ben:'I have to get ready for the Chamber of Secrets.' / 'Commerce.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie protests she's not sick by attempting cartwheels: 'If I was sick, could I do this?' — then clearly fails at performing them.

Leslie:Ben's talking-head: 'It's not that I don't trust Ben. It's that I don't have faith in Ben. And, also, I'm starting to forget who Ben is.'

Leslie · Ben:'Do you want me to write you a rap? I'll write you a rap.' / 'No, you know what? You're never going to be able to pull it off. You're too white.'

Leslie:'I have some great news. I think my fever just broke.' — said immediately before Ben cuts the conversation off and leaves.

Leslie · Ben:Leslie has escaped the hospital, is wearing a scarf, and asks Ben: 'Does this scarf look okay? I don't want to look stuffy. But I also don't want to look too schlubby.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie sneaks out of hospital in a scarf, asking if it looks 'stuffy' or too 'schlubby', while being ordered back to bed.

Leslie · Ben:Ben encounters fever-Leslie at the Chamber of Commerce: 'I looked at the meter, and it had Egyptian hieroglyphics on it.' / 'Do you know the exchange rate?'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'Be careful.' / Ben: 'What?' / Leslie: 'The floor and the wall just switched.'

Leslie:Leslie's opening line at the Chamber of Commerce: 'Good evening, everyone. I'm Leslie Monster. And this is Nightline.'

Leslie · Ben:Fever-Leslie engages in a mini policy debate: 'Libertarianism is all about individual liberty. And it should never be defined by the terms liberal or conservative.' / 'And communism is no good, right? That's right.' / 'Big swing and a miss.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie's fever-brain quiz: 'And what's the word for when a few clerics are in charge?' / 'Religious oligarchy.' / 'Holy (BLEEP). I can remember things.'

Leslie · Ben:'I vomited somewhere in this room. I don't remember where, though.' / 'Wait. You might want to check that drawer.'

Leslie:Delirious Leslie walks to the podium and delivers an actually coherent, excellent speech to the Chamber of Commerce despite running a 104 fever.

Tom · Leslie:Tom introduces Leslie to the room as simply 'Leslie Knope' — then there is a long, ominous pause before she appears.

Leslie:Post-speech, Leslie is asked about sales-tax incentives and responds: 'That's a very good question, sir, and I would counter with my own question, which is, why is half of your face all swirly?'

Leslie:'Give it up, everybody, for Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap.'

Leslie:'Was I wearing a tiara when I came in here? Because if you happen upon it, will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send it post-hence?'

Leslie:A disappointingly good idea from Jerry.

Leslie · Jerry:Jerry reads his mother's diary entry aloud: 'Jerrold starred in his school production of Peter Pan. He was a beautiful Tinker Bell.' Beat. 'It was an all-boys school.'

Leslie:The list of Pawnee town slogans, escalating absurdly: 'Pawnee: The Paris of America' → 'The Akron of Southwest Indiana' → 'Welcome, German Soldiers' → 'The Factory Fire Capital of America' → 'Welcome, Vietnamese Soldiers' → 'Engage with Zorp' → 'Zorp is dead. Long live Zorp.' → 'It's safe to be here now.' → 'Birthplace of Julia Roberts.' → 'Home of the world-famous Julia Roberts lawsuit.' → 'Welcome, Taliban soldiers.' → 'First in friendship, fourth in obesity.'

Leslie · Kelly:Kelly Larson arrives to advocate for Twilight. Leslie starts: 'Oh, I'm sorry. We're not taking sugges—' and Kelly cuts in: 'The Twilight books.' Leslie's reaction to realizing Kelly is the person who'd been emailing.

Leslie · Kelly:Leslie says she thought Kelly would be younger... 'And a girl.' Kelly: 'Well, I'm not. I'm older and a boy.'

Kelly · Leslie:Kelly begins his case by going all the way back to Stephenie Meyer's birth: 'Okay, Christmas Eve, 1973. Author Stephenie Meyer, nee Morgan, was born in Hartford, Connecticut.' Leslie: 'Oh, you're going all the way back to her birth. Okay.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking-head after Kelly handcuffs himself to a pipe: 'He brought handcuffs with him. This whole thing was planned.'

April · Leslie:April: 'I think it's kind of cool.' Leslie: 'It's not cool. It's trespassing, and that is breaking the rules. Cool people make the rules. They don't break the rules. And if those kids want you to break the rules, then they aren't really your friends.'

April · Leslie:After Leslie's anti-rule-breaking lecture, April asks 'Whoa, who are you even talking about?' Leslie: 'I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm just annoyed.'

Leslie · April:Leslie expresses concern about April's friend Orrin: 'Your friend Orrin with the long black nails and the cloak? He concerns me.' April: 'He's a genius.'

Leslie · Kelly:Leslie addresses Kelly: 'You look like a weird goon who's obsessed with a kid's book.' Then: 'It's a girl, isn't it?'

Kelly · Leslie:Kelly snaps back at Leslie's insult: 'What look did your mom have on her face when she realized her son was a complete failure?' Leslie: 'Okay, I'll be quiet.'

Leslie · Kelly:After Leslie threatens Kelly will be so hungry he'll beg her to leave... cut to: 'He brought a pillow.' Then Kelly calls from the office: 'Hey, Leslie, I'm making some sleepytime tea. You want any?'

Leslie · Shauna:Leslie interrupts Ben's spin attempt to refocus on the time capsule, then pitches the reporter: 'It's time to encapsulate the future' — the reporter reveals it's already her headline. Then Leslie tries: 'Parks department cuts the crapsule.'

Tom · Kelly · Leslie:Tom and Kelly debate Twilight factions in Leslie's office. Leslie asks them to be quiet. Kelly: 'Sorry, sorry. Please keep it down. Be considerate.' Then back to Tom: 'Look at it this way, Tom. Bella's love for Edward is being tested. By Jacob?' 'Mm. Not exactly.' 'The volturi?' 'Yes.'

Leslie · Kelly:Leslie goes to work in the conference room: 'You guys are the worst.' Kelly (about Leslie): 'Sometimes I think she's in the volturi.'

Leslie · Kelly:Leslie brings Kelly coffee and asks how he slept. Kelly: 'It was all right, considering.' Leslie: 'Well, you seem pretty chipper this morning.'

Leslie · Kelly:Leslie tells Kelly she knows why he's really there. Kelly excitedly: 'Read Twilight, and it transformed your life and you're gonna put it in the time capsule?' Leslie: 'Well, I read the first ten pages. I couldn't really get into it, though. More of a Harry Potter girl myself.'

Leslie · Kelly:Leslie reveals Kelly's motivation: she found his daughter Liz Waverly's name in the book's inscription, did the research, and confronted him with it. Kelly's explanation is genuinely sweet.

Ben · Leslie:Ben's reaction to Leslie's 'Then we shall bring the pipe to them': 'Oh, no.' Leslie: 'Oh, yes.' Ben: 'What does that mean?' Leslie: 'Crackpot convention.'

Leslie · Forum Citizen:The forum opens. First suggestion: 'I think we should put in the Bible.' Leslie responds: 'Great.' Then immediately: 'Eduardo.'

Leslie · Civil Liberties Rep:The Civil Liberties rep argues Twilight has 'overt Christian themes' and should not be part of a government project. Leslie: 'So too Christian and not Christian enough?' Then looks at camera: 'Do you see the irony here? No? Okay.'

Leslie · Tom · Kelly · Forum Citizens:Leslie proposes two time capsules. The forum immediately erupts: 'No Twilight!' / 'Yes, Twilight!' — then cuts to Tom and Kelly urgently recapping: 'I only have a second, I have to get to work. Bella's going on her first hunt.'

Leslie · Forum Citizens:Forum chaos: grandmother's ashes request / cat Turnip's ashes request. Leslie: 'For the last time, and I won't say this again, there will be no human or feline ashes in either one of the time capsules.' Forum citizen: 'Except for Turnip.'

Leslie · Forum Citizen:A forum participant's contribution: 'Look, we don't know what the world is going to be like in 50 years. We could all have been wiped out from disease or the flu.' Then pause. 'So what's your suggestion?' 'I don't know. I'm just scared.'

Leslie:Leslie reads the letter she's written to the time capsule, which pivots from civic pride to: 'Sorry about the weird blank gap in the middle. A man named Jerry Gergich screwed up the recording somehow. He had one job to do.'

Kelly · Leslie:Kelly arrives at the screening of the time capsule video, explains he's never seen it, and asks people not to talk or text. Leslie immediately: 'Hey, Leslie, thanks for setting this up.' Kelly: 'Dude, what did I just say?'

Leslie:Leslie pre-dials 911 and tells Ron: 'If she binds your hands and you can't reach your phone, just try to chew yourself free.'

Ron · Leslie:'Whale tale. Whale tale. She's flashing a whale tale. Abort. Abort.'

Leslie:Leslie's awkward talking head: 'Good day, Leslie. Good... good day.'

Ben · Leslie · Tom:Ben suggests salads for the cops; Leslie says 'Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.' Tom adds: 'Yeah, Ben, these guys are cops, not ballerinas.'

Leslie:'Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb and so was that idea.'

Leslie:Leslie outlines the exact strategy: 'Post pizza, pre ice cream, between his third and fourth beer. He'll be full but not stuffed, tipsy but not drunk. Should be around 9:00.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie tells a freshly dumped Ron: 'Look, I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my girlfriends when they get dumped. Men are dogs.' Ron: 'That does not apply to this situation at all. But thank you.'

Chief Trumple · Ben · Leslie:Chief Trumple tells Ben 'I just said it was good pizza' when Ben calls it 'dynamite' — then immediately says 'You know what I like? Calzones.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking head describing Tammy: 'A manipulative, psychotic, library-book-pedaling, sex-crazed she-demon.'

Ron · Leslie:Cut to Ron and Tammy hours later. Ron is in a kimono with cornrows. Leslie slaps him: 'Snap out of it!'

Ron · Leslie · Tammy:Leslie slaps Ron and yells 'Snap out of it!' Ron calmly says 'Leslie.' Then: 'Congratulate us. Ron's got one just like it on his penis.'

Chief Trumple · Leslie:Chief: 'I don't want him within 500 feet of the library.' Leslie: 'That's good advice for all of us. Nothing but trouble there.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron in the car: 'Take me back to Tammy.' Leslie: 'For the millionth time, no.' Ron: 'This is our song.' Leslie: 'Your song is Dancing on the Ceiling by Lionel Richie?'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie: 'Oh, wow, look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache.' Ron: 'I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off... from friction.'

Leslie:The intervention is called. Leslie: 'You have been spending the last 24 hours sipping on joy juice and tripping on Tammy. Well, the people in this room are your methadone.'

Jerry · Leslie:Jerry arrives at the intervention with wedding tumblers from the registry, having misheard 'intervention' as 'reception.'

Andy · Leslie:Andy's intervention speech: 'Ron, I do not really understand what is going on right now. But no matter what...' [long beat] 'you must keep going.' Then immediately: 'No. You must stop. I love you, buddy. Follow your dreams.' Leslie: 'Powerful stuff.'

Leslie:Leslie after Andy's incoherent speech: 'Powerful stuff.'

Ron · Leslie:Present-day Ron watches his own tape and says: 'You stupid.' Then: 'This is a waste of time. You people have no idea what you're talking about.' Leslie: 'That was YOU on the tape. That was YOU talking.'

Leslie · Group:They find a new library card in the box. The name on it: 'Tammy Swanson Swanson.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben trade location names for a calzone restaurant: 'over in Idiotville,' 'down on Terrible Idea Avenue,' 'on Beating-a-Dead-Horse Boulevard.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Calzones are pointless. They're just pizza that's harder to eat. No one likes them. Good day, sir.' Then immediately: 'I'm just kidding. Let's go.'

Leslie:Leslie closes the interview with: 'I'm sorry, Shauna. I think I need to go. But thank you so much, and as always, everything I said is off the record.'

Leslie · Ron:Ron's suggestion that Leslie just speak alone at the commendation ceremony

Leslie:'Come on, Tom, take him under your tiny little wing.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie asks if her dress says 'Hello, general assembly, I've come to Indianapolis to accept your commendation' — and gets the answer 'As much as any one dress could'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie's immediate 'What? That lying bastard.' before Ann has provided any evidence of cheating

Leslie:Leslie's immediate reversal: 'Oh, then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. And if he is, he's a monster. And if he's not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will kill him.'

Leslie:'In high school, they used to call me Angela Lansbury. But that was because of my haircut.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie pitching Indiana's second largest rocking chair as a road trip stop

Leslie:Dame Gervin's Misshapen Celebrity Castle — where Madame Tussaud's sends its failed wax figures, and if you can identify who it is, you get to take it home

Leslie · Ron:'What's wrong with you, grouchy pants? I've been fasting all day to save room for Mulligan's.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie casually reveals Chris Traeger is joining them for dinner, triggering Ron's outrage

Leslie · Ron:Ron doesn't have a front door and won't tell Leslie his address

Leslie · Chris:Leslie notices many men's coats in Chris's closet; Chris says 'I like coats.'

Leslie:Leslie notices the toilet seat is up — reaction beat / dawning horror

Ron · Leslie:Ron banging on the door of Charles Mulligan's, which is closed for a health code violation

Leslie · Chris · Ron:Leslie's fake interrogation of Chris about female relatives: 'Do you have any sisters? / Any aunts? / Girl cousins? / A youthful grandmother, perhaps?'

Leslie:Leslie's passive-aggressive threat to Chris: 'anyone who'd hurt her is someone I would murder probably'

Ron · Chris · Leslie:Ron sees portobello mushrooms on the grill: 'Where's the steak?' / Chris: 'There's no steak. That's a healthier option.' — Ron faints

Leslie:Leslie's talking head: Ann has never been dumped before, and Chris was so positive the breakup didn't register — 'it does kind of make you wonder how good of a nurse she is'

Ann · Leslie:Ann's bad breakup history montage: a guy's mom called to break up for him; broke her kneecap on a date and was abandoned; a guy got on one knee to beg her to never call again; a guy broke up in the shower; skywriting; the picnic where 'don't eat anything, Rebecca's coming'

Leslie:Leslie's grandiose buildup to Little Sebastian — 'the best thing to potentially ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the Universe' — followed by the reveal of a tiny mini horse.

Ben · Leslie · Tom · Ron · Ann · Chris:The entire office erupts in disbelief and joy at seeing Li'l Sebastian while Ben watches, confused.

Leslie:'Get out.' — Leslie's immediate, flat response to Ben saying he doesn't know what the big deal is about Li'l Sebastian.

Leslie:'God, I gotta stop ending on that boring thing. Clowns!'

Ken Hotate · Ben · Leslie:The battle of Indian Hill: 93-year-old Chief Wakote was 'shot 102 times by the cavalry.' Ben asks, 'Did he die?' Ken says, 'Yes.'

Leslie:Leslie produces a map of 'all the atrocities the Pawnee settlers inflicted upon the Wamapoke Indians' — the atrocities are in blue.

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben saying 'Take that, curse!' after getting the cotton candy donation.

Leslie:'Joan is always looking for a scandal. She's like an eagle-eyed tiger.'

Leslie · Ron:'Let's grab hands.' / 'I don't hold hands.'

Leslie · Unknown Team Member:Leslie's 'inspiring' speech ends with '...not focus on the fact that if one thing goes wrong, we're all gonna lose our jobs.' Someone responds: 'That's not inspiring.'

Leslie:Leslie's advice to Ann: 'Normally, people tell you to talk about your problems. I'm gonna recommend you bottle that noise up. That's what my mailman said.'

Joan Callamezzo · Leslie:Joan asks if the corn is Pawnee corn or Eagleton corn — with clear distaste for Eagleton.

Leslie · Joan Callamezzo:Larry Bird's 84-year-old aunt Tilda signing autographs. 'You got Tilda?' / 'We got Tilda.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben and Leslie's Teddy bear negotiation: 'I'm gonna win you a million Teddy bears.' / 'Well, I want a billion Teddy bears.' / 'Well, that's a little unrealistic. This is a hard game. Two million.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben say 'Take that, curse!' again, then immediately panic-face when asked what the curse is.

Ben · Leslie:Ben: 'Wait, I'm sorry. Do people in this town really believe in curses?' / Leslie: 'Oh, no. No. We all just behave rationally and believe we are all in charge of our own destinies. Come on.'

Leslie:'Ah, good. Anne, you're so beautiful. Beautiful Anne.' — Leslie randomly and sincerely complimenting Ann in the middle of a crisis.

Leslie:'Okay, run, Anne, run!' — Leslie's final instruction to Ann.

Leslie:Leslie's press conference: denying there is 'no food shortage' and that Parks staff were NOT 'feasting on petting zoo animals.'

Leslie · Everyone Present:The power goes out in the middle of Leslie's press conference — lights die and the tent collapses or goes dark.

Ed · Leslie:Ed the generator man: 'Wow, you know your stuff. You single?' — flirting with Leslie about generators.

Ken Hotate · Leslie:Ken Hotate: 'Much like the early settlers of Pawnee begged the Wamapoke 200 years ago.' / 'Ah, but that was...' / 'A trick. And over 50 Wamapoke were slaughtered.'

News Anchor · Leslie:After the ceremony, the news anchor announces Li'l Sebastian is back and 'he gave us a scare' — then cuts to the horse having been found in the corn maze center. 'It took us four hours to solve that maze. It took the horse 15 minutes.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie tells Ben: 'Ice Town was a disaster. And it seems like it was probably your fault. From what I can tell, you mismanaged the hell out of it.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben at the end: 'I don't get it. At all. It's kind of a small horse. I mean, what am I missing? Am I crazy?' / 'Hey, Ben, you just missed it. He whinnied.' / 'Oh, yeah, no. I totally heard that. It was great.'

Unknown · Leslie:I'm not street parking my Mercedes. / 'Cause nobody wants to steal a Saturn.

Ron · Leslie:Ron violently recoils and screams 'No! No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!' when someone suggests going to the dentist.

Leslie:Leslie says Pawnee is 'the best city in Indiana, probably America, possibly the world.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie's 'big advice' to Ben about his career dilemma is: 'Make a pros and cons list. That always works for me.'

Leslie · Jerry:Jerry's new party shirt is so bad that Leslie begins to say something complimentary, physically cannot do it, and gives up: 'Damn it. I was so close. It's a terrible shirt.'

Leslie:Leslie to Ron: 'So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking head: 'It took me four years to find the right hairdresser, and we still fight all the time!'

Leslie:Leslie's desperate phone call to Ann: 'I need you to kiss him again or kiss her or kiss somebody. I don't know, Ann! Help me, please!'

Ron · Leslie:Leslie reminds Ron he was married THREE times. Ron: 'Oh, my God, you're right.' Then: 'I get to burn another effigy.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben realize Orin is standing directly behind Leslie. Ben: 'Orin's behind me, isn't he?' / 'Don't panic, 'cause he can smell fear.' Then immediately: 'Run.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben fumbles his words trying to compliment Leslie, landing on 'paws' before correcting to 'fingers'

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris casually references 'your affair with Tom Haverford' while trying to argue about inter-government relationship rules

Leslie:Leslie describing her emotional state: 'I'm like that lightbulb— weak, flickering, barely giving off any light, unable to make out with the lightbulb I want to make out with.'

Jerry · Leslie · Ben · Tom:Jerry reveals the Greek myth centaur painting, and it's clearly a nude portrait of Leslie attached to a horse

Marcia · Chris · Leslie:The bestiality debate: Marcia calls centaurs 'bestiality,' Chris tries to defend them as 'a beautiful half person, half horse,' and Marcia counters 'Who had sex with what and gave birth to which?'

Leslie:Leslie's speech about the painting's message: 'The message of this painting is, "Get out of my way unless you want an arrow in your ass, Marcia."'

Perd · Leslie:Perd asks Leslie: 'For our viewers at home who might not know, are centaurs real?' / Leslie: 'No.' / Perd: 'You absolutely sure?'

Brandi · Leslie:Brandi's debate contribution: she keeps aligning herself with Leslie, treating them as colleagues — 'What Leslie and I do is obviously art'

Leslie · Council Member:Leslie's art history speech is punctuated by a council member's commentary: 'The Romans...' / 'Perverts.' / 'The Greeks...' / 'Gay perverts.'

Leslie · Council Member:Leslie continues: 'To great societies in Europe.' / Council member: 'Europeans.'

Commission Member · Leslie:Leslie loses the art commission vote; commission member explains they voted to destroy the painting because 'there are nipples in it, so it just seems like we ought to be safe and destroy it'

Leslie · April:Leslie has a 'date' excuse to avoid leading Andy and April on errands; April guesses 'What's his name?' and Leslie starts to correct gender before trailing off

Leslie:Leslie grabs the painting and runs, shouting 'Make me, stag! I am Dyaphena!'

Leslie:Leslie shows Ben the painting and describes it as 'just basically, like, the "chestal" region. Mostly.'

Ann · Leslie:Leslie asks Ann and Mark to help hide a stolen painting. Ann: 'I like it. It's very simple.' Then they flip it over and Ann reacts: 'Oh my God. Is that you as a naked horse?'

Mark · Ann · Leslie:Mark and Ann both say they 'would totally hit that' regarding the centaur Leslie painting — as a compliment to Leslie

Donna · Ann · Leslie:Donna: 'I would totally hit that.' / Ann: 'So would I.' / Leslie: 'You guys are sweet.'

Ron · Leslie · Marcia:Ron reveals he had Jerry paint over the nude centaur Leslie with a non-nude centaur Leslie with a 'modern haircut' — and tells Marcia she's free to destroy it

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris tries to set Ben up again immediately after learning the Cindy date failed, suggesting 'Shelly from the health-food store' whose 'brother died climbing Everest'

Tom · Leslie · Jerry:'Is your penis between the front arms or the back legs?' / 'Yeah, where's your penis?' / 'Damn it, Jerry!'

Leslie · Tom · Jerry:Leslie looks at the revised painting and says: 'This is amazing. It looks like me, and I look awesome.' Then: 'Is your penis between the front arms or the back legs?' / 'Yeah, where's your penis?' / 'Damn it, Jerry!'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie catches Ron off guard with his birthday by singing a birthday song at him

Leslie · Ron:Leslie reveals she bribed a Baskin-Robbins employee with a free scoop of rum raisin to get Ron's birthday

Leslie:Leslie describes how Lindsay 'fixed her deviated septum' and 'lost 35 pounds' with a loaded pause before '...and lost something else. What was it again? Oh, yeah. Her soul.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Pawneeans are just as good as Eagletonians, although on average, we are several inches shorter and 80 pounds heavier.'

Leslie · Citizen:Leslie promises to tear down the fence for 'sweet, brave Joey' — then immediately another citizen suggests burning the fence again

Leslie · Ann:Leslie introduces Ann: 'This is Ann. She is my best friend... Now.' (pointed pause before 'Now')

Leslie · Lindsay:Leslie pulls out a photo of young Lindsay and herself: 'Look at that.' Lindsay leans in to look, and Leslie whips it away to show it to the camera: 'Let me get a closer look.'

Leslie:Leslie presents the old photo: 'Someone once told me that there's no such thing as small parks, just small ideas... And that someone was this woman.' — presenting it to Lindsay as evidence

Leslie:Leslie's failed comeback: Lindsay delivers a devastating farewell insult, Leslie responds with 'What? I'm not asleep. I'm awake.' Then confessional: 'That's what I would've said if I had thought of it in the moment. What did I say instead?'

Leslie:Leslie: 'The only thing they beat us in is life expectancy, beauty pageants, and average income... who cares?'

Leslie:Factoid: Pawnee founded May 1817. By July, 'finding the smell unpleasant and the soil untenable, all the wealthy people evacuated to Eagleton.'

Leslie · Joey:Leslie introduces Joey Plunkett with his broken arm as a sympathetic prop: 'Joey, wave to the audience.' Joey: 'Oh, you can't, because you broke your arm climbing that fence.' Joey: 'I can wave with this arm.' Leslie: 'No, you can't. Both your arms are broken.'

Leslie · Eagleton Citizen:Eagleton citizen identifies Joey: 'I recognize that boy. He was caught selling fireworks to Eagleton kids.' Leslie: 'Well, with more due respect, a lot of boys do that in our town. You cannot be sure that he is the one.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom asks to try the andouille sausage at the Eagleton forum; Leslie insists 'Tom, let's go'; Tom responds 'What? No. It's gross. I don't like it. It's disgusting.'

Leslie · Team:Leslie's plan to fight Eagleton's snobbery: throw bags of garbage onto their side of the park

Leslie · Lindsay:Leslie accuses Lindsay of feeding JJ's Diner waffles to her dog as laxatives; Lindsay confirms: 'These waffles make great dog laxatives.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Don't you dare feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop.' — then the garbage fight erupts

Leslie · Lindsay · Team:GARBAGE FIGHT breaks out — Leslie punches Lindsay, garbage flies, crowd yells 'Get her, Leslie!'

Leslie · Lindsay · Officer:Leslie: 'I will never apologize to her.' Lindsay: 'Nor I her.' Police officer: ' "Nor I her."' — then mocks it: 'I doth proclaim to be a stupid fartface.'

Leslie · Lindsay:Lindsay: 'Nice retort. Did G.B. Shaw write that for you?' / Leslie: 'Did G.B. Shaw write your stupid fartface?'

Guard · Leslie:Eagleton jail has herbal tea and Greek yogurt — the guard offers these to Leslie

Ann · Leslie:Ann on Leslie being in jail: 'Oh my God, are you okay?' Leslie: 'It was a rough night, but I survived.' Ann: offers a scone. 'They only have maple walnut.'

Leslie:Leslie's confession: 'The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee. And punching Lindsay in the face and shoving a coffee filter down her pants. But in my defense, I believe that assault should be legal if a person is a jerk.'

Leslie:The Pawnee wiffle ball league uses the Eagleton fence as a home run barrier — and Eagleton kids who signed up retrieve the balls

Leslie:Leslie to Lindsay at the wiffle ball game: 'I want to thank you for the fence. There's no way we could afford that high-quality wood.'

Leslie · Lindsay:Leslie invites Lindsay for a beer in her old jazz sweatshirt at Sullivan's — revealing she knows Lindsay still has the sweatshirt

Ron · Leslie · Ben · Chris:Ron is called into a meeting by Ben and Chris expecting more birthday party horror — walks in to find a small private room with just a few close colleagues

Leslie:Ann's confession that the elaborate party details she told Ron about — sombreros, mariachi, fairy tiger face painting, bouncy castle — 'I did that for Ann. Why would I throw Ron Swanson an Ann Perkins party?'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie reveals the list of party tasks she gave April was 'a list of ways to mess with you' — and April did them all

Leslie:Leslie: 'This, by the way, is a one-time-only situation. Next year, your birthday party is gonna be a rager.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie says 'I was thinking about you when I wrote it' about a year-over-year maintenance cost analysis, then immediately tries to cover it up

Ben · Leslie:Ben calls Leslie 'Lesliemin' after she awkwardly says 'Benjamin. Ben.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie: 'We could both get fired.' Ann: 'That's a dumb rule.' Leslie: 'I know!'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie holds up 'Pretty Woman prostitute dress' and Ann says 'I know. I look really good in it.'

Leslie:Leslie's unsexy road trip topics: 'The History of the Ladder' article, different dorms at Johns Hopkins, and reading from her Sonicare booklet

Ben · Leslie:Ben: 'Yeah, so, basically every dorm allows bed lofting, but the students have really taken to it at Wolman and McCoy.' Beat. 'Did you go to Johns Hopkins?' Ben: 'No.'

Leslie · Ben:The road trip CD: 'Jimmy Carter's Crisis of Confidence speech, Learning to Speak Mandarin, 16 minutes of Old Timey Car Horn, and something called Banjo Boogie Bonanza'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben discuss the banjo: 'It's an amazing instrument, the banjo.' 'Yeah. I didn't realize it could be this loud.'

Leslie · Ben:Whale sounds on the road trip CD

Ben · Leslie:Ben removes an eyelash from Leslie's face: 'Make a wish.' Immediately: 'Learning to speak Mandarin. Unit three. Get away from me.'

Leslie:Leslie's presentation: '...and our seats have extra cushioning due to the massive size of our average citizen.'

Committee Member · Leslie · Ben:News report: Pawnee's raccoon infestation 'wreaking havoc' at the State Little League Championship — used against them in the presentation

Leslie:Leslie's response to the raccoon concern: 'The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town, and we have ours.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie's speech about Pawnee being 'special' — and the camera cuts to her and Ben's faces

Ben · Leslie:Ben awkwardly invites the photographer to dinner: 'Hey, we were thinking about going to dinner, photographer. You want in? You wanna grab some grub?... They have great burgers... Come on, photographer. Last chance.'

Leslie:Leslie's 'going to see a man about some porcelain' bathroom excuse: 'I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The whiz palace, as I like to call it. And I'm not calling Ann, so...'

Leslie · Ann:Ann responds to Leslie's urgent code: 'Ann, we have a serious code Ben.' Ann: 'Well, it's not really code if you say his name.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie reads her own pre-written script back through Ann: 'Leslie, it's Leslie Knope from the Parks Department speaking to you through Ann Perkins, friend and beautiful nurse.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie debates herself through Ann: 'No, you... Then, Leslie, Leslie, you don't know what you're talking about.' then proceeds to talk herself INTO making out with Ben anyway

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben's awkward couch moment: 'This is weird.' 'We're on Chris' couch.' 'Yep, we are.' 'And I'm wearing his clothes.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie shares cave painting ladder fact: '...the original image of a ladder is in a cave in Valencia, Spain, drawn over 10,000 years ago.' Ben: 'Oh, my God. How about some music?'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie's confessional: 'I think it's good that Chris showed up, 'cause I wasn't thinking clearly.' Beat. Then Ben arrives with receipts.

Ben · Leslie:Chris's assistant arrives with receipts. 'He's not here. He took off.' Beat: 'Uh-oh.'

Leslie:'Uh-oh.' — the episode's implicit button as Ben and Leslie are alone again

Leslie:No, April, we would all die. Gases fill the volume of whatever container they're in. School.

Leslie:And then 12:00 noon sharp is the inaugural 'D-Ann-ce Party.'

Ben · Leslie:I think at some point, you and I should probably make out with each other. Yeah, good call.

Ben · Leslie:Is that any relation? No. Oh, okay. Just a coincidence. We get it all the time. We laugh about it. But I've never met her. She's Filipino.

Leslie:Because Ben and I are in this amazing little bubble right now, and there's no room in here for Chris' stupid rules about us not dating or my ball-busting mother.

Leslie:You know what I should do? I should get my mother a one-way ticket to London, leaving today. And that way, Ben never has to meet her and I could visit her in London. Everybody wins.

Leslie:Hey! Somebody made somebody a mix! And I definitely heard your feedback from last time, so I only put five Sarah McLachlan songs on this one.

Leslie · Ben:When I first met you, I thought you were a fascist hard-ass. What? A cute fascist hard-ass, but still, you give off a very...

Leslie:Or we could go to Belize and go scuba diving. And we could look at the whale sharks. You're certified, right? Let's get you certified.

Leslie · Ben:Hello. Wrong. What? No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking. I'd like to discuss the new school bus. I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss.

Leslie:And now you've crossed your legs like a woman.

Leslie:And now you've crossed your legs like a woman.

Leslie:Here is a list of my mother's top 100 favorite conversation topics, starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel Craig.

Unknown Woman · Leslie:There's nothing left. It's over. Hey, hey, hey, don't say that. Now, come on. Get yourself together and go out there and be the woman you always knew you could be. Thank you so much.

Leslie:I gotta say, this is some of my best work. This could not have gone better. They are really hitting it off. Thank God. Crisis averted.

Marlene · Ben · Leslie:You two are just the cutest things on four legs! But why so much black? It's like you're going to a funeral. She's got a point, babe.

Leslie · Marlene:So, marry her then. (LAUGHS) I wish!

Leslie:The only thing my mom loves more than music boxes is McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy. So, I made her a McSteamy-style music box.

Ben · Leslie:Look, she was just flirting a little. I'm sure she's not really interested in me. Oh, my God. I can't even have this conversation. The whole thing is screwed up now. There's so many ways to destroy a bubble, but my mom flirting with you is number one on the list.

Leslie · Ben:And I'm sorry, I have to say this, were you asking for it in any way? No! How were you dressed? Oh, my God. I was wearing this.

Leslie:Here's what we do. You issue a government-wide memo about sexual harassment, and then you go to Mexico. Just for a couple of weeks.

Marlene · Leslie:That is hilarious. That's what we thought, too.

Marlene · Leslie · Ann:I like this one. Me, too. You keep your hands off him.

Leslie:Leslie announces Li'l Sebastian's death and adds that in heaven he's doing 'the two things he loves doing the most: eating carrots and urinating freely'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie declares the memorial should 'rival the Super Bowl half-time show' — immediately followed by 'Also, the budget is $600.'

Andy · Leslie:Andy: 'Hey, if you want a song from Andy Dwyer, lead singer of Mouse Rat, you should know he doesn't get out of bed for less than $1,000.' Leslie: 'Well, he sleeps on a futon, so we can give him 50 bucks.' Andy: 'Sold.'

Leslie · Ben · Jerry:Leslie's memo to Ben reads 'You have a cute butt.' Jerry's memo apparently lists facts about Li'l Sebastian but his also says 'You have a cute butt.' Ben says it's 'probably a typo' — probably meant 'cube butt' because Jerry's butt is shaped like a cube.

Leslie · Ron · Tom:Leslie tells Tom 'Make us proud.' Then Ron says quietly to Tom 'Make him proud.' Camera reveals Leslie has already walked away — Ron is indicating a framed photo of Li'l Sebastian

Leslie · Ann:Leslie tells Ann she feels her life is 'almost perfect' but they have to sneak around, then adds 'weirdly, it's kind of fun that nobody knows'

Leslie · Chris:Chris appears behind Leslie and asks 'How long have you been sleeping with Ben?' — Leslie panics and says 'I've never had sex with anyone anywhere... You have the nerve, the audacity... Ben is my boss, technically. And he is terrible, facewise.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'How do I know, frankly, that you're not sleeping with him? Maybe you are. Maybe you're trying to throw me off. Hmm. Check and mate.'

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris reveals he found out about Ben and Leslie because 'Ben butt-dialed me last night.' Audio of their roleplay follows: 'Okay, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.' Chris: 'Whoa. Eleanor likes the tongue.'

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris continues describing the butt-dial audio: 'Hey, show me Pelosi again.' Ben: 'Okay, lay down.' Then Leslie asks: 'Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.' Chris: 'Unfortunately not.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie: 'Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.' Ron: 'Unfortunately not.'

Ben · Leslie:Ron warns them they'll get fired. Ben explains: 'Oh, President Reagan, my blazer popped open. Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. It's gonna be a bumpy ride to this summit meeting. Our countries have had a very... special relationship...'

Leslie:Leslie suggests Andy try to write 'without the word dead so much. Or death or you're dead.' — implying he's used all three variants in what we heard

Ben · Leslie:Ben and Leslie discuss their 'professional hug' protocol: Ben demonstrates a stilted 'Oh, congratulations' hug as what would look professional

Maintenance Worker · Ben · Leslie:The maintenance worker they were trying to keep secret walks in mid-hug and says 'Hey, lovebirds. What do I do with this?'

Leslie:Leslie tallies: 'So my mom, Ron, Ann, and that guy.' — updating the list of people who know about her relationship

Ben · Leslie:Ben claims Leslie hugged him because she 'won the MacArthur Genius Grant.' He and Leslie then both say 'Yeah' in unconvincing unison.

Leslie · Ben · Chris:Ben tells Chris to 'take the rest of the day off... get a massage.' Leslie adds: 'I have a gift certificate, actually. My mom gave it to me for you.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben calls Chris 'George' when saying goodbye, having forgotten Chris's name in the moment — Leslie says 'Yes' and both thank 'George'

Jerry · Leslie:Jerry refuses to get propane: 'No, what about my poem?' Leslie: 'No one wants you to read a poem, okay, Jerry? What everyone wants — what Li'l Sebastian wants — is for you to get propane.' Jerry: 'Fine. I'll do it for Li'l Sebastian.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie discovers the ceremony assignments have completely cascaded: Perd Hapley is unveiling the memorial stone because Joe from sewage had to hand out armbands, and Perd had to fill in for Mortenson, and Mortenson had to fill in for Howser. And Donna is reading Jerry's Italian poem.

Ron · Leslie:Ron furiously confronts Leslie: 'What the hell, Leslie? I thought I was supposed to lay the ceremonial wreath. Why is Councilman Howser doing it?' Leslie: 'Because you are doing something better. You are lighting the memorial flame, which is the greatest honor of all.' Ron: 'Oh, my God. Ron, congratulations. I saved it for you, Ron.'

Jerry · Tom · Leslie:Jerry puts lighter fluid instead of propane in the eternal flame, causing a massive fireball that burns off Ron's eyebrows. Tom and Leslie, terrified, immediately say: 'We planned that! Wow, wow!' / 'We planned that. Yay!'

Leslie:After the fireball, Leslie yells 'We planned that! Wow, wow!' as cover. Then again: 'We planned that.'

Leslie · Ron · Jerry:Leslie apologizes to Ron: 'I guess I put too much fuel in the torch.' Ron: 'Oh, I don't know, Jerry. I think you're being hard on yourself.' Leslie: 'Ron, are you mad at me? 'Cause without eyebrows, I can't really tell.'

Leslie · William Barnes:Leslie meets the political recruiters — confirms she's the one responsible for the Harvest Festival and the fireball ('I'm glad. 'Cause it was planned.') — then is asked about running for city council or mayor.

Leslie:Leslie responds to being asked if she's interested in running for office with: 'Absotootly, I am. Very sorry that I just used that word. But yes.'

Leslie · William Barnes:Leslie is asked by the political recruiter: 'Is there a scandal out there? Is there anything at all you need to tell us about your life?' Long pause. Leslie: 'Nope.'

Leslie:Uh, no, because you just approved the idea, like, three seconds ago.

Leslie:Okay, well, that's definitely Ron's mom.

Leslie:Emily, you get the badge for Most Community Service. To Casey, the Best Penguin Blog badge. To Abigail, Flyest Hairstyle. And Ann gets the badge for Second-Flyest Hairstyle.

Ann · Leslie:Ann: 'Oh. I wasn't competing for that.' Leslie: 'I'll say.'

Leslie:Leslie affecting a Southern belle accent: 'Oh, my stars! I'm just a little lady. My fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors.'

Leslie:Hi, Ron. Whose club do you think is better, yours or mine? The answer is mine. Say mine is better.

Ron · Leslie:I have no problem with strong women, Leslie. Who is Leslie? My name is Annabelle Vandergraf.

Leslie:Leslie announces the 'Cabin Refurbishment Badge' will be 'hotly contested'

Leslie · Lauren:Lauren made a 'Gertrude Stein' for her craft project.

Leslie:Leslie: 'Well, Ann is keeping us warm. And that's important.'

Leslie · Ron:Ron tasting Leslie's 'self-indulgent ethnic food court' bulgogi: 'I would say it's almost as good as lukewarm beans from a can. Right, Ron?'

Leslie:Leslie's schedule includes 'a puppet show about the Bill of Rights set to Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus'

Leslie:Leslie talking-head: 'Great pillow fight, girls. That was one of our best ones yet.'

Leslie:Leslie talking-head: 'I would give myself a merit badge that says "Best Club Founder," but I don't have one. So I'm going to give myself "Prettiest Eyes" as a placeholder. I secretly always wanted this badge, so it works out great.'

Leslie:Leslie, caught by a girl's argument: 'Who wants homemade peanut brittle?' trying to change the subject during a debate she's losing.

Leslie · Goddess Girl:Ladies, I just wanted to thank you for not cheering when I sent Darren away. Ms. Knope, wasn't Darren just asking for the same equality that you and the Goddesses wanted five years ago?

Leslie:Leslie talking-head: 'I've created a mob of little Leslie Knope monsters. I'm so proud. And a little annoyed. But mostly proud.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron is mid-speech about nature and self-reliance when a delivery person arrives with puppies Leslie ordered for the Goddesses' 'puppy party.'

Leslie:Leslie in the woods, delivering a womanly roar speech to the Goddesses: 'I am a Goddess, a glorious female warrior. Queen of all that I survey. Enemies of fairness and equality, hear my womanly roar.'

Leslie:I am a Goddess, a glorious female warrior. Queen of all that I survey. Enemies of fairness and equality, hear my womanly roar.

Leslie:Leslie: 'The first annual Leslie Knope Remote Controlled Speedboat Race! See you Monday.'

Leslie · Tom:'I hate talking about myself.' / 'Get over it. I talk about myself constantly. Everyone loves me for it.' / 'I really am amazing.'

Leslie · Tom:The opposition research dossier includes 'prescription medications'

Leslie · Tom:Tom claims to know Martin Kernston's advisors; Leslie reveals she made up both names on the spot

Leslie · Tom:Tom's party decorations for Leslie's meet-and-greet look like an Entertainment 720 promotional event, with Tom's face on rugs

Leslie · Tania:Leslie tells the crowd she's personally patronized every business; a woman challenges her on Sue's Salads. Leslie: 'That's because I don't hate myself, Tania.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'When in doubt, in Pawnee, slam salad.'

Leslie · Martin:Leslie about the Harvest Festival: 'No. Yes. Well, it was a team effort. I barely did anything. I held them back, actually. They succeeded despite me.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom says the Harvest Festival 'launched Entertainment 720'; Leslie says 'No one says that'; Tom: 'I just said it.'

Leslie:'I don't like to throw around the word butt-head too often... But I can say without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie confronting Tom after he monopolized Kernston: 'Why don't you go over to one of your rugs and sit on your own face?'

Leslie · Tom:'You stole the Nipple King. Thanks a lot, traitor.'

Leslie:Leslie's speech listing local businesses including 'Glennmore Discount Cemetery,' 'Tramp Stamp Tattoos,' 'Enormous Kenny's Fried Dough Stand and Mobile Phone Emporium,' 'Smooth Operator Bikini Waxes'

Tom · Leslie:Tom hijacking Leslie's speech to promote Entertainment 720

Leslie · Tom:Leslie to Tom after the promotional video: 'You're lucky that Martin Kernston is here, 'cause you're gonna need another nipple. Why?'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie: 'I know that video seemed like the rantings of a lunatic pretending to be Mark Zuckerberg.' / Tom: 'That's who that was?' / Leslie: 'No.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie finding Tom hiding in the mobile hot tub: 'Get out of there right now... or we are no longer friends. I'm not getting out. Fine. Then I'm getting in.'

Leslie · Tom:'Well, maybe we should get out of this hot tub.' / 'I'm too sad to get out, and I'm all pruney.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie suggesting 'comfort food' and Tom asking for 'albacore tuna with crispy onions' as comfort food

Leslie · Tom:Leslie pointing out that Tom turned people away for the first two weeks by claiming to be booked: 'Kind of seems like regular sight should have caught that one.'

Leslie:Leslie's backhanded compliment to Tom: 'You're a smart guy and charming occasionally.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Also, your logo, it's the worst logo I've ever seen. It doesn't make any sense. It's gibberish.'

Leslie:Leslie's response to Tom's video: 'I'm going to watch it every day for the rest of my life. And when I die, I'm going to project it on my tombstone.'

Andy · Leslie:Andy bowing to Leslie when presenting Herb

Leslie:Leslie's response to being told the world is ending: 'Oh, nuts. You're sure it's tomorrow?'

Leslie:Talking-head confessional: 'Turns out, when you think the world is ending, you don't aim so carefully in the Porta-Potties.'

Leslie · Ben:The cult calls itself 'The Reasonableists' so critics will seem like they're attacking something reasonable

Leslie:The only bad thing that ever happened on past doomsday dates was Lance Armstrong dumping Sheryl Crow — 'That was a tragic day. LIVESTRONG.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking-head about not hanging out with Ben: 'Big deal. Lots of people don't hang out. Jerry and April. Obama and Madonna, probably.'

Leslie:'We're in good company.'

Leslie:Leslie tells reporter Shauna that Chris and Ben are at the vigil because she 'had nothing better to do, which probably says more about me than them'

Leslie · Shauna:Shauna asks if Chris is single. Leslie says no, he's dating Jerry's daughter. Shauna says she meant Ben. Leslie's increasingly panicked non-answers about Ben.

Leslie:'He's a man, and he's a worker, and he is... We've never discussed sex, so... We've always just been very business-like, so your guess is as good, nay, better than mine.'

Leslie:Leslie's spiral: 'I know how Shauna operates. She smiles, and then they fall in love, and then they get married, and then she changes her name to Shauna Malwae-Wyatt. Or he's going to be really progressive and change his name to Ben Wyatt Malwae-Tweep.'

Leslie:'God, I am so annoyed that he would hypothetically do that.'

Leslie:'I know that move. They're going to have sex in five minutes.'

Leslie:Leslie trying to separate Shauna and Ben: 'Keep your pants on. What? I mean, keep your pants on, girl. I mean, those are really nice pants. Where did you get them?'

Leslie · Herb:'Because you can't go. I mean, what if you're not here when Zorp shows up? Boy, would your face be red. When Zorp shows up, your faces will be melted off and used as fuel.'

Leslie:Leslie tells Herb his books are 'bonkersville' but pivots to sincere engagement about reincarnation

Leslie:Leslie: 'That was very strange, what you just said. I don't like it as much as that other thing you said.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie offers to play ChessRisk — 'half-chess, half-Risk, takes 15 hours to play' — to keep Ben away from Shauna

Leslie:Leslie's frantic non-explanation: 'I forgot I have a thing I need to show you. It's so amazing. It's going to freak you out. It's something that we need to get in my car and go to.'

Leslie:Leslie's 'special place' is a gas station she believes Mick Jagger owned from 1951-1958 based on financial records showing 'M. Jagger' as owner — 'which, at first, I thought was a woman. Maybe Meg or something.'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie tries to confide in Ron: 'Can I speak with you about a personal matter?' / Ron: 'Normally, no. But given there's only 20 minutes until the end of human existence, also no.'

Herb · Leslie:'If it makes you feel any better, Leslie, we'll all be dead in 20 minutes.' / 'That does make me feel better. Thank you, Herb.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie admits she took Ben to Mick Jagger's gas station because she was jealous of Shauna: 'Because she thinks you're cute, and I was afraid you guys were going to make out and have babies.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'And why don't you tell Shauna to make herself decent, and I'll apologize to her as well?' Ben: 'Oh, well, Shauna is not here.' Leslie: 'Oh. See what I did? I do. I'm very sneaky.'

Herb · Leslie:Herb returns to admit he made 'crucial errors' in his texts: the world ends May 19th. Leslie says the park is unavailable — Spring Spectacular ice cream giveaway. Herb immediately revises: 'I misspoke. Yeah, it's May 20.'

Leslie:Leslie reveals she has collected all 193 national flags and has them on hand immediately

Leslie:Leslie: 'Amen, brother.'

Andy · Leslie:Leslie offers Japan — Andy: 'The bad guys from Karate Kid 2? Even worse.'

April · Leslie:April: 'I'll be the Moon.' / Leslie: 'No, you're gonna be South Africa or—' / April: 'Moon or quit, man.' / Leslie: 'Fine. You be South Africa, and you can also secretly run the moon.' / April: 'The Moon accepts your ridiculous proposal.'

Leslie · Student:Student fan recognizes Leslie and treats her like a celebrity: 'Are you Leslie Knope? Oh, what am I talking about? Of course you are.' / 'Bonjour, Madame Ambassadeur.'

Leslie · Student:Leslie: 'I really wouldn't describe myself as a Model U.N. legend.' / Student: 'I'd go with icon. Or hero.'

Leslie:Leslie's talking head about friendship vs. romance: 'Friends help you move. They drive you to the airport. Boyfriends just... love you and marry you.'

Ben · Leslie:Leslie asks Ben to 'tread water' while she does a photo op; Ben says 'I'll just tread water until you're ready. Thanks, buddy.' with increasing strain in his voice.

Leslie · Ben:Ben asks for 'five more minutes' on the photo op, Leslie says '10 or 15 to be safe,' then 'How about we make it a cool 40?' — escalating delays as Ben treads water

Ben · Leslie:Ben: 'Or, as they say in Denmark... "I'm back."' Leslie: 'Most people speak English.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben discovers he's been cut out of his own treaty: 'I got cut out of my own treaty?' / Leslie: 'Yeah. I got sick of treading water, so I swam over to Asia, made a deal.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben breaks character to confront Leslie at the refreshment table, the Model UN dissolving into a proxy argument for their actual relationship

Leslie:Leslie's confessional: '...I've shared my flags with him, and suddenly, he doesn't want to be friends?'

Leslie:Leslie, as Denmark, formally declares war on Peru: 'Attention. This is an urgent world matter. Due to a recent betrayal, my homeland, the great state of Denmark, has officially decided to declare war on Peru.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Scandinavian brothers, on my signal. Unleash hell!'

Leslie:Leslie trying to redirect the Model UN: 'Global politics can change, and scenarios can arise and suddenly you're just like, "wait, I thought this one thing, but look over there. That's a different thing, and it's changing everything," and I'm like, "what? Hold up." Who has tanks for me?'

Leslie:Leslie: 'God, it's time for you to nut up, Switzerland.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben: 'Oh, you know what? You might wanna borrow this.' / Leslie: 'Ew, no one wants your dirty underwear, Ben.' / Ben: 'It's not dirty underwear. It's a white flag, and you may as well start waving it right now...' / Leslie: 'the only thing I will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!'

Leslie · Student:Leslie seizes the microphone from another delegate mid-speech: 'I move that the Security Council formally condemn Denmark...' Student: 'I'm not finished.' Leslie: 'Oh, really? Then why do I have the microphone?'

Leslie:Leslie after Denmark is condemned: 'That's no problemo, Peru, because Denmark no longer recognizes the authority of this international gang of thugs.'

April · Leslie:April's Moon joins Leslie's coalition: 'The Moon shall join your coalition.' Leslie: 'Yeah! We got the freaking moon. What are you gonna do without tides, Peru?'

Leslie · Ben:Ben and Leslie's treaty negotiation: 'I propose a treaty that states that we have a fun conversation once a day at work for five minutes.' / 'I'll take it to the Peruvian senate. Or whatever.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'What do we do with those kids? We totally ruined their club.' Ben: 'I could tell you what I would like when I was their age.' Leslie: 'Ben, how are we gonna get Kathy Ireland to do naked aerobics for them?' Ben: 'Okay. I regret telling you that... very much.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Which, for the record, Denmark would have won, but that's neither here nor there.'

Leslie:Leslie's speech about passion: 'Passion is what makes for good treaties... Cheese! Good relationships... Good pizza. Good friends. Good everything. Including wars.'

Leslie · Tom · Jerry:Tom asks if Leslie just wants him to choose a new font, and Leslie confirms: 'Yes, essentially, I'd like you to choose a new font.' Then immediately makes Jerry 'number two guy on the new font project.'

Leslie:Leslie defends putting Jerry as number three: 'He has been in this department a long time. I think maybe you could learn something from him.'

Leslie:Leslie reveals her park is on a patch of former telephone booth concrete and is competing to be Indiana's smallest park, currently held by 'Martin Luther King, Junior, Park in Terryville. But guess what, Terryville sucks old car tires and so does Martin Luther...'

Leslie:Leslie snaps back: 'No. He does not suck old car tires. He was one of the greatest men in history.' Then: 'I'm sorry. Sometimes, I get competitive.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie opens a drawer at Ben's office expecting scissors and finds: 'Those are my pens and pencils.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie, in full crisis mode, hatches a plan to drag out the tiny park project: 'I should just drag out that tiny park project for as long as possible so Ben and I can keep working together.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie announces a plan to get the neighborhood riled up to demand an Environmental Impact Report and keep working with Ben for 'at least another year.' Ann protests; Leslie: 'Good idea, Ann.' / 'No, Ann.' / 'Will you just shut your beautiful pie hole?'

Leslie:Leslie announces the grand opening of 'Pawnee's smallest park on November 12th, 2070.'

Leslie:Leslie tries to delay the public meeting's first question: 'Oh, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's the fire? Let's get to know each other first. Tell me about your childhood.'

Rose · Ben · Leslie:Community member Rose: 'Basketball courts attract undesirables to my community... because there is a definite type of person I associate with basketball, and I'd rather not have that type of person nearby.' Ben and Leslie race to stop her before she says something racist.

Leslie:Leslie pivots Rose's near-racist comment into a spontaneous forum on prejudice: 'You bring up a very good point. Intolerance. Can we be doing more? I'd like to hear from each and every one of you about a time when prejudice has touched your lives.'

Leslie · Mel:Leslie tries to keep the meeting going by drawing out a silent community member: 'This gentleman wants to say something.' Man: 'No, I don't.' Leslie's colleague: 'Come on, Mel. You're always up in arms about something.' Mel: 'No, I'm not. I'm not always up in arms about something.' Leslie: 'That's the spirit! Talk to me about what's bothering you.'

Leslie:Leslie's confessional: 'I once hosted a forum about a new bike rack that lasted seven hours. Now, when I need these people to complain, they're done in 45 minutes?'

Joe · Leslie:The riled-up community member Joe confronts Leslie: 'Don't you work for the government?' Leslie: 'I do, Joe. Yeah, that's how I know just how high this conspiracy goes.'

Leslie:Leslie tries to extend the protest meeting by stopping a man from leaving for the bathroom: 'Hey. Where are you going, Joe? Bathroom break? No. Get back over there. I'll find you a bottle or something.'

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris repeatedly shouts 'Dream Team!' despite Ben explaining the partnership is dysfunctional. Chris: 'Dream Team!' Ben: 'Yeah. But we're not.' Chris: 'Dream Team!'

Leslie · Ann:Ann confronts Leslie about being a steamroller: 'You made me watch all eight Harry Potter movies. I don't even like Harry Potter.' Leslie: 'That's insane. You love Harry Potter. You've seen all eight movies.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann: 'When we go out to a bar, you order my drinks for me.' Leslie: 'Because you order white wine and it gives you a headache.' Ann: 'Well, it's my headache.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie's self-critique: 'I'm the worst.' Ann corrects her: 'No, you're very passionate.' Leslie: 'Well, then, you should call me a bulldozer rather than a steamroller.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie searches for the metaphor: 'Okay. Well, this steamroller is hanging up her...' [long pause] 'The roll-y thing on the front of the machine. What do you, what do you call that?' Ann: 'Roller?' Leslie: 'Probably. Okay.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie: 'Well, this steamroller is hanging up her... [pause] ...The roll-y thing on the front of the machine. What do you, what do you call that?' Ann: 'Roller?' Leslie: 'Probably. Okay.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie to Ben: 'I wasn't sure you were going to come.' Ben: 'Well, I got very curious when you only left me one voicemail message instead of your usual 20.'

Leslie:Leslie offers Ben a seat: 'Here, have a seat. But only if you want to.'

Leslie · Chris:Leslie tries to swap a nasal spray for the flash drive; Chris calls her bluff

Leslie:'You might want to stop saying "resigned in disgrace," especially during job interviews.'

Leslie:Leslie gives Elizabeth a Knope 2012 Menorah ('Maybe?') then immediately backtracks to a tree ornament

Leslie:'"Sit tight"? "Take a beat"? "Relax"? I don't really do any of those things. In fact, while I was in that meeting, I was also planning my mother's birthday party in my head.'