Anns Decision

Leslie:I'll have the egg white omelet, but I need you to use free-range, organic, cage-free eggs from hens that have been played classical music and given names. I want the peppers diced to exactly one-quarter inch—no smaller, no larger. The toast should be from a multigrain loaf that was stone-ground using a 19th-century French millstone. And could you please make sure the hash browns are arranged in a fibonacci spiral? Also, I have some questions about your supply chain.

Ann:I'm going to stop trying to find a guy and just focus on myself. I'm going to be my own best friend.

Ann:Actually, I'm going to be my own two best friends. And we're all beautiful.

Leslie:So Ann, how was the skydiving?

Ann:Oh, it was amazing! I was so brave up there, I didn't even think about how I could die.

Leslie:That's great!

Ann:Yeah, until we landed and I immediately threw up and cried for twenty minutes.

Leslie:Oh my God, we should totally go ice skating together! It'll be so fun!

Ann:Actually, I'm taking myself on a date.

Leslie:Perfect! So it's a double date. You and you, me and Ben. This is going to be amazing!

Leslie:Ann, you are smart, you are funny, you are kind, you are talented, you are generous, and you are stupid hot. I mean, that's just a fact.

Leslie:Ann, you can't just decide to have a baby in six weeks. That's not how this works.

Ann:Why not? Women do it all the time.

Leslie:No, they don't. Unless you're Channing Tatum's wife, in which case, congratulations, but that's the only acceptable scenario.

Ron:I'm sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I ordered the rib eye steak. This appears to be a bowl of chopped up leaves and twigs. Is this what you feed the horses?

Ron:Why would you only serve salad at your wedding if you were a rabbit?

Leslie:Tom is an expert on food. He knows everything about farm-to-table, locally sourced ingredients, artisanal preparation techniques.

Tom:Actually, I just know that if food is expensive and comes on a tiny plate, people think it's good.

Tom:This is a perfectly adequate crudités. The vegetables are arranged in a way that suggests someone put thought into it, but not so much thought that it becomes interesting. The dip—which I'm assuming is some sort of ranch situation—has that familiar tang of disappointment.

Tom:You know, this pasta has a certain je ne sais quoi. Which is French for 'I don't know what,' which is also how I feel about this pasta.

Tom:The chicken is exquisite. It tastes like chicken that knows it's chicken but wishes it was something better. Like a duck.

Tom:The umami profile is quite sophisticated. It's a delicate balance of—

Tom:Actually, you know what? I have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't read.

Tom:But this gazpacho is cold, and that's all I need to know.

Tom:It's a delicate hand-crafted artisanal pocket of dough, filled with a curated selection of premium ingredients, each one sourced from the finest purveyors in the tri-state area, folded with precision and baked to a golden perfection that represents the pinnacle of appetizer engineering.

Leslie:It's a calzone.

Tom:Yes, but—

Leslie:A small calzone.

Leslie:We're not a couple. We're best friends. Although I understand the confusion given our obvious chemistry and the way we finish each other's sentences and occasionally touch each other's hair.

Leslie:But no, we're not lesbians. Although if we were, I'm sure we'd be very good at it.

Worker:What are you looking for in a donor?

Ann:Well, someone with good genes, obviously. Tall, athletic, good teeth, no genetic diseases.

Worker:Right, and what about personality traits?

Ann:Oh! Well, I guess someone who's generous? Like, willing to give of themselves?

Ann:Oh my God, a Harvard-educated donor is coming to visit the Parks Department!

Leslie:Ann, that's great, but let's be realistic. He's probably going to take one look at our budget, our facilities, and our general incompetence, and then donate all his money to literally any other organization in the country.

Ann:Cycling is great exercise. It's low-impact and really builds leg strength.

Leslie:I love cycling. Lance Armstrong is a hero.

Ann:Leslie, Lance Armstrong cheated. He used performance-enhancing drugs.

Leslie:I know, but he looked really cool doing it.

Leslie:Joe here is a convicted felon.

Joe:I sure am.

Leslie:It's true, I looked it up.

Joe:Free money, free porn. Best job I ever had. Also... If you're looking to buy some weed, I'm looking as well.

Ben:Leslie, that outfit looks great on you.

April:Yeah, you look really nice today.

Andy:You look like a beautiful, magical horse. No wait—a unicorn. Actually, scratch that—a sexy, sexy mermaid.

April:I feel like I could tell someone their parents just died in a mall fire, and they'd just nod and thank me for the information.

April:I'm going to be sick. Is this a Banana Republic? I can't even look at this place. It's like if a khaki had a baby with a polo shirt and they raised it in a country club.

April:This store is giving me hives. I need to leave before I do something I regret, like set this place on fire or organize their clearance section by color.

April:What is all this stuff in your pockets?

Leslie:Oh, well, let's see. I have a photo of me and Ben at the Sweetums factory tour, a receipt from the first waffle I ever bought in Pawnee, ticket stubs from when we saw Neutral Milk Hotel at the Civic Center, and a handwritten note that Jerry wrote me that says 'You're doing great.'

April:That's somehow worse than if you had just murdered someone.

April:I'm wearing all black because I'm very serious.

Andy:That's cool. You know what we should do? We should start a band called Fleetwood Mac.

April:Fleetwood Mac already exists.

Andy:Oh.

Andy:Wait, why don't we just call the band Fleetwood Mac?

Leslie:Ann, I wouldn't use Eagleton sperm if I were you. Have you seen the men there? It's like someone took all the extra chromosomes and made a town.

Leslie:Our ideal donor is someone who's generous, philanthropic, community-minded, and hates jazz.

Leslie:I believe in women's autonomy, self-determination, and the right to make our own choices without male interference.

Leslie:Ann is my best friend and I respect her independence completely. By the way, Ann, you're wearing that outfit tomorrow whether you like it or not.

Leslie:Look, Dave from HR may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, and yes, he did sexually harass me that one time, but the man has heart. And I think it's wrong that we're eliminating him just because he's incompetent and creepy.

Dr. Harris:Well, I appreciate the recognition, but I should mention that I've actually been doing this work longer than most people in this office have been alive.

Dr. Harris:My research has been cited more times than probably anyone else in this building. Not that I'm counting.

Dr. Harris:But I am counting.

Dr. Harris:Yeah, well, the good news is he can't run away from me.

Chris:I think I have food poisoning. I'm probably going to die. How am I supposed to date if I'm dead?

Ben:I've been sick for three days straight. I've lost seven pounds.

Tom:Seven pounds? That's like... me and a half.

Ben:Yeah, that's exactly right.

April:As Eleanor Roosevelt once said to Betty Ford... 'Hillary Clinton is great.'

April:Okay, I'm going to try this Leslie thing. I'm going to be enthusiastic and inspiring.

April:We're going to change this town. We're going to make a real difference. Together, we can—

Andy:Is that a dead rat?

April:What?

Andy:There's a dead rat right there. On the ground. By your foot.

Pete:Wait, this interview is about me? I thought you were just here to document my daily routine because I'm so fascinating.

Pete:How often does this happen? Because I'm assuming it's at least once a week.

Leslie:Okay, fine. That was impressive. I respect the hustle.

The Douche:Yo, it's me, The Douche. I'm like a low pressure system moving in from the west, baby. You can feel me coming, and when I arrive, everything's gonna be wet.

Tom:I feel like I've been poisoned by a bad clam. My insides are staging a coup d'état against my outsides.

Tom:I have a very strict rule about sauce. I never eat sauce that's been applied by someone else's hand. It has to be on the side, and I apply it myself in a very specific ratio.

Tom:Also, I only eat at restaurants where they know my name, where I've established a relationship with the chef, and where they comp my meal at least once every three visits.

Ben:Calzones. It was calzones all along.

Ben:From this moment forward, I declare war on calzones. Eternal war. I will hunt them down wherever they exist. I will not rest until every calzone in this city has been destroyed or removed from existence.

Citizen:I'm concerned about the safety of this park.

Walter:Safety? I'm afraid of birds. All birds. Even the small ones.

Walter:And escalators. What if my pant leg gets caught?

Walter:Also, I'm terrified of the letter Q. It's just an O with a tail. Who decided that was okay?

April:This is the worst safety briefing I've ever heard.

Harris · April · Harris:Is this gonna be a topless park? I don't think there are topless parks. Well, let's build the first one and be heroes.

Citizen 1:We should build a statue of Harris!

Citizen 2:Yeah! A statue of Harris!

Multiple Citizens:Harris! Harris! Harris!

Leslie:You could do a whole show about how women are terrible drivers and terrible at math.

Howard:That's... that's actually not a bad idea.

Howard:I'm gonna scan a quick pic of them boobies for a little deposit in 'El banco de spanko.' That was the douche talking. Douche nation.

Howard:We could name them something meaningful, like after a family member or a beloved historical figure. Or we could go with something fun and creative, like Streetlamp or Bouillabaisse or Captain Thunderpants McGillicuddy.

Leslie:I am the captain of a sinking ship, and Ann is the rat that abandoned me. No wait, that's not right. Ann is the ship, and I'm the rat. No, actually, I'm Moses, and Ann is the Red Sea, and I'm trying to part her, but she's closing in on me, and I'm going to drown. Except the Egyptians are also drowning, so we're all drowning together.

Howard:We're taking calls about Ann Perkins' romantic situation. Caller, you're on the air.

Howard:That's right, folks. Ann's been getting absolutely railed lately. Her love life is a complete dumpster fire.

Howard:She's gone through more men in this town than I've had sandwiches for lunch, and believe me, that's a lot of sandwiches.

Councilman Milton:Oh, no, no, no. I just wanted to toss my name into the ring, in respect to this Indian woman's vagina.

Councilman Milton:I just wanted to toss my name into the ring, in respect to this Indian woman's vagina.

Ben:What happened with the forum results?

April:Well, we had a pretty good turnout. There was this one guy, Rodney Dangerfield, who asked a really insightful question about the zoning ordinances.

Ben:JJ, this food is amazing. You really outdid yourself.

Leslie:Seriously, best meal we've had all year.

April:Yeah, JJ, you're a culinary genius.

JJ:Thanks, guys. I really appreciate that.

Tom:Wait, didn't we all get food poisoning last time JJ cooked for us?

Ben:Yeah, we spent six hours at the hospital.

Leslie:I lost twelve pounds in one day.

April:And yet here we are, praising him like he just won a James Beard Award.

The Douche:And we're back with Leslie Knope from the Parks Department. Leslie, we've been talking about your job, and I gotta say, I have an idea for a product that could really help you. It's called Fartsicle.

Leslie:I'm sorry, what?

The Douche:Fartsicle. It's a popsicle that you insert into your rectum, and then you fart it out into someone's face.

Leslie:That's... that's not a real product.

The Douche:Not yet. But think about it. You got your fruity flavors, your grape, your cherry, your butterscotch. You're welcome, America.

The Douche:This is The Douche with your traffic and weather update. There's a baby on the road! I'm calling this situation 'Operation: Baby on Board.'

Howard Tuttleman:We'll make the deal, but only if you agree to one condition.

Leslie Knope:Okay, what is it?

Howard Tuttleman:You have to dress up like Clair Huxtable from The Cosby Show, but only the episodes from seasons 3 through 5, and you can't wear any outfit she wore more than once in the series.

Leslie Knope:That's... very specific.

Crazy Ira:We don't make the rules!

Leslie:Fine, I'll do it. What do you want me to impersonate?

Howard:I want you to impersonate me accurately.

Leslie:That's... that's the whole thing. That's what impersonating someone means.

Howard:Exactly. And I want it to be accurate.

April:Andy, this isn't my bag. Where is my Leslie Knope costume?

Andy:Oh, I grabbed the wrong one. That's my gym bag.

April:Your gym bag? Andy, I need the wig, the blazer, the whole thing. We're supposed to be there in twenty minutes!

Andy:Just wear what's in there. Be creative.

April:There's a half-eaten protein bar, a sweatband, and... is this a Pokemon card collection?

Andy:Holographic Charizard. Mint condition. You're welcome.

April:The parks department budget is allocated based on several factors including maintenance costs, staffing, and community programs.

Citizen:So what does that cost?

April:It varies by year and department needs.

Citizen:Yeah, but how much is it? I want the exact number, but I don't want you to use any numbers.

April:Don't call me ma'am. I work for the government.

April:No. We're not having a topless park. Not now, not ever. If I see one breast in that park that isn't a bird, I will personally hunt you down and make you regret every decision that led to this moment.

April:Harris, you're incompetent, useless, and nobody likes you.

Harris:Yes! More! Tell me how much I disappoint you!

Leslie:Ann, I'm sorry. You're right, I can be controlling sometimes. From now on, I'm going to trust you to make your own decisions.

Leslie:But I've color-coded a binder for you with tabs and dividers organized by decision category, a laminated reference guide for optimal choices, and a spreadsheet tracking your progress. I've also created a flowchart you can follow.

Ann:Leslie, what is all this?

Leslie:Oh, these are my planning materials for the new community center. I've been working on slogans. How about 'It's a Cute-rus!' Get it? Cute? Uterus? Because it's a space for women's health and wellness!

Ann:Leslie...

Leslie:I've got seventeen more!

Ann:Leslie, why do you have a folder labeled 'Baby Names' next to your computer?

Leslie:Oh, that's just my womb with a view collection. I've been organizing my uterus for success.

Ann:Your... what?

Leslie:Look, I watch a lot of cartoons. I've picked out 47 potential baby names, and I've color-coded them by cuteness level. Also, I may have already decorated a nursery in my mind using only things from the Pottery Barn kids catalog.

Ann:Leslie, you don't even have a boyfriend.

Leslie:Not yet. But when I do, he's going to be so impressed by my organizational binders.

Leslie:That's amazing! You're going to be such a great mother!

Ann:Well, actually, I haven't decided if I want to adopt or use a surrogate or—

Leslie:I'm just so proud of you!

Ann:Leslie, you just said I'm going to be a great mother. Don't you want to know how I'm planning to do this?

Andy:April, you were amazing out there. You really nailed it. I'm gonna go home tonight and think about you in that outfit... for like, six hours.

Leslie:Wait, you burned my suit?

April:You left it on the chair. I didn't know it was there.

Leslie:So it's my fault?

April:I'm just saying, if you didn't want your suit burned, maybe don't leave it where suits get burned.

Leslie:April, why are you burning my suit?

April:You said I could do whatever I wanted today.

Leslie:I didn't mean burn my clothes!

April:You should've been more specific.