Women In Garbage

Leslie:This is beautiful. What is this fabric? Is it linen?

Paula:That's a Target receipt from 1987.

Leslie:You've been carrying this around for... how long?

Paula:I don't know. A while.

Leslie:Women have come so far in Pawnee. We've broken through glass ceilings, shattered barriers, and now we hold positions of real power and influence.

Leslie:But there's still one thing we can't do: approve a pothole repair without getting signed off on by three male department heads, a notary public, and the ghost of the town's founder.

Paula:So first there was the cigar smoking in the office, which is fine, whatever. Then he started making comments about my appearance. Then he cornered me in the supply closet and tried to kiss me. Then he showed me his—

Leslie:The government is now pervert-free!

Leslie:Except for Jerry. He's still here.

Paula Horke:I once tried to start a commission to get more jobs for women in city government, and they dismissed me, saying it was just my time of the month. Admittedly, they were right. Because of the calendar.

Paula Peverley:They said I was being dismissed for hormonal reasons during my period.

Paula Peverley:But they were technically correct. I do keep a calendar.

April:I don't believe in gender equality. I think women are already superior and I'm tired of people pretending it's still a debate.

April:Your beau needs to work on his tone. He sounds like he's constantly angry at a sandwich.

April:Women shouldn't be allowed to vote or own property. We're too emotional and our brains are smaller.

April:*disgusted grunt*

Innocent kid insults delivered with enthusiasm

Ron:I'm entertaining the kids by letting them play with toys I borrowed from you people at work.

Ann:Hey kids, what's up? That's tight! That's da bomb! We can kick it, fo shizzle!

Ann:Hey there, little guy! Ooh, who's a precious baby? You are! Yes, you are!

Kid:I'm nine.

Ann:Oh... well, who's a precious nine-year-old? You are!

Ron:Ann, you know that babies can't understand words, right? They just respond to tone and inflection. So talking to them like they're adults is actually more effective.

Ann:So, uh, do you guys like The Strokes?

Kid:You're weird.

Chris:Wait, so a 'group hang' is when multiple people just... hang out together? Without any formal structure or predetermined outcome?

Chris:That's fascinating. It's like observing a previously undocumented social ritual. Do they have a leader? A hierarchy? What are the resource allocation protocols?

Chris:This changes everything I thought I knew about modern courtship.

Chris:You know, I think relationship labels are like hazardous material warnings. They're just there to protect people from something dangerous.

Chris:You know, Shauna, I have to say... those are some really nice shoulders you have. Very well-defined. And your bone structure is just... exceptional.

Andy:Wait, where's Michael Stipe? I thought he was supposed to be here today!

Tom:Yeah, about that... nobody actually said Michael Stipe was coming.

Andy:What? But I've been preparing all morning! I learned all the lyrics to 'It's the End of the World as We Know It'!

April:Andy, we lied to you so you'd actually show up on time for work.

Andy:You guys are the worst.

Andy:I knew that Michael Stipe thing was a total lie.

Andy:But I still had to Google it just to be sure.

Tom:Okay, so I need to learn about basketball. I've been studying the greats. You know, like that tall guy who plays for the Lakers? The one who's really good at dunking? I think his name is... Basketball Dunk Man?

Tom:And then there's the guy on the Celtics. Super talented. I call him... Green Shirt Bounce Guy.

Tom:Oh! And the Miami Heat player? The one everyone talks about? I'm pretty sure his name is Swish Swish Points Man.

Tom:Hey, can you guys cancel your plans tonight? I need to talk to you about something important.

Chris:I can't. I have a very strict schedule. At 6 PM, I'm going to eat a plain chicken breast with steamed vegetables. At 7 PM, I'm going to do some light stretching. At 8 PM, I'm going to review my financial spreadsheets. And at 9 PM, I'm going to be asleep.

Tom:That's your entire night?

Chris:That's every night. It's called discipline, Tom. It's called living a life of purpose and meaning.

Chris:It's entirely men

Leslie Knope:You know, I've been looking at this council, and I have to say, there's a real lack of women represented here.

Councilman Milton:What are you talking about? There's a woman right there.

Leslie Knope:Where?

Councilman Milton:That beautiful blonde woman in the suit.

Leslie Knope:That's Ben Wyatt. He's a man.

Councilman Milton:Well, he should be a woman. He's gorgeous.

Councilman Milton:Women are perfectly capable in government roles.

Councilman Milton:Leslie, be a dear and fetch us some snacks.

Councilman Milton:Is it that time of the month?

Leslie Knope:Excuse me?

Councilman Milton:I'm just checking the calendar. You seem ornery.

Ron:Why are you children writing on each other?

Child:We're not writing on each other. We're coloring his shoes.

Ron:His shoes are already a color.

Diane:Ron, can you watch the kids again this weekend?

Ron:Of course, Diane. I would be delighted to spend time with your children. I have prepared a comprehensive schedule of activities involving woodworking, proper etiquette, and early bedtimes.

Ron:Everything will be perfectly orderly and under control.

Child:Dad, the kitchen's on fire!

Ron:That is merely a controlled learning experience about the dangers of negligence.

Councilman:Women are like fine china - beautiful to look at, but you can't use them for anything practical.

Leslie:We have an excellent track record with female employees. Our best female employee is amazing.

Ron:Yes, but she's still behind Kevin in the rankings.

Leslie:Kevin is a male secretary.

Ron:Exactly.

Leslie:You know, I just want to say that garbage collectors are some of the most important people in our society. They're hardworking, they're dedicated, they're... smelly glue that holds our community together.

April:I want to work in garbage. Not because I care about the environment or whatever, but because I want to find corpses.

Leslie Knope:I've prepared detailed binders on every topic we could possibly discuss.

Ben Wyatt:Leslie, what's in these binders?

Leslie Knope:Everything. Comprehensive breakdowns, color-coded sections, backup materials...

Ben Wyatt:You know what? I'm just going to guess they contain pictures of parks.

Leslie Knope:How did you—

Ben Wyatt:I know you, Leslie.

Leslie Knope · April Ludgate · Dewey (or reporter):According to Leslie's binder, she and April are making even better time than the guys do on a normal day. / Wow, that's weird. You know, with us being women and all, you'd think our boobs would get in the way. / Is that accurate, Mr. Phlegner? Is Councilwoman Knope ahead of the regular schedule for this route? / Whatever. No comment.

Chris:You know, we've done soccer, we've done ballet, we've done chess club... I'm running out of activities for the kids.

Chris:I mean, at this point I'm like, 'What's next, we could just set up a land mine in the backyard?'

Leslie:Wow, so we're doing better at this job than you guys. I guess that means we're better at everything. We should run the country. We should run the world.

Male Garbage Worker:That's not what this means.

Leslie:No, no, no. You started this. You implied that physical strength determines someone's worth as a person and as a professional. So clearly, since April and I are kicking your ass, we are now your superiors in every conceivable way.

Leslie:What? No! I'm not posing. Why would I be posing? Do you know how many satellites are up there right now? Forty-seven. I counted. And they're all looking down. Always looking down. I can feel it on the back of my neck.

Andy:I got it. I'm just gonna get really good at basketball really fast.

Andy:Like, I'm gonna watch some YouTube videos, do some drills, and by tomorrow I'll be unstoppable.

Tom:I'm playing basketball.

Ben:Tom, you're just standing there holding the ball.

Tom:Yeah, but am I though?

Tom:Did that go in?

Tom:I think that went in.

Ann:Once upon a time, there were three little children who went into the woods...

Ann:And they never came back. Their bones were found scattered across the forest floor, picked clean by vultures.

Ann:The end.

Ann:I was just trying to teach them about the circle of life. I brought in a dead bird I found in my yard and showed it to all the kids. I thought it would be educational!

Ron:Ann.

Ann:What? It's natural! They need to understand that death is part of nature.

April:Oh my God. Hair dye. In the trash. Someone's covering something up.

April:I'm gonna find out who, and I'm gonna use it against them. Forever.

Leslie:Oh my God, April, look at this! Ben threw away his high school yearbook with a note that says 'Too many memories of being unpopular.'

April:That's great. Can we go now?

Leslie:Wait, there's more! His old gym class photos where he's clearly struggling with the rope climb. This is gold, April. Pure gold.

April:Oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Ben threw away his grocery list and it says 'Activia.' Ben Wyatt drinks Activia.

April:This is the best day of my life.

April:I'm so excited about this project. I've been thinking about it all night.

Leslie:That's wonderful! What specifically has you so energized?

April:Well, I realized if we push this through, we can use the city funds to build that statue of our enemy in the town square so everyone has to look at his stupid face every day.

Leslie:April... that's not— we can't just use public resources for personal vendettas.

Ben:He's going to pull a hamstring and then sue the city.

Ben:Tom, you can't just pivot whenever you want. That's traveling.

Tom:But I'm pivoting!

Ben:Yes, I can see that. That's the problem.

Kid:You're really bad at basketball.

Child:You're bad at basketball!

Tom:Well, I appreciate your passion for the sport. However, I would submit that my performance today was hampered by several external factors, including but not limited to: suboptimal court conditions, inadequate footwear, and the general chaos of this recreational facility. I'll have you know I was MVP of my church league in 2009.

Ron:I'm going to break down this door.

Ann:What? No! Ron, we can just call the landlord!

Ron:I am the landlord now.

Ann:You're not the landlord!

Kid:The doll has a severe case of bad hair day syndrome. It's terminal. The only cure is a haircut.

Leslie:Easy, breezy, beautiful... CoverGirl.

Leslie:Oh my God, why did I just say that?

Leslie:No, no, I got this. I'm like Rosa Parks, but for fridges.

Leslie:Okay, if I just... tip it back on the dolly wheels... and kind of shimmy it sideways...

Leslie:See? Stealth. Like a ninja. A very loud, grunting ninja.

Leslie:Why is this so heavy? Did they fill it with sadness?

Ron:Ann, you are the most competent, dedicated, and... and beautiful woman I've ever met.

Ann:Ron, did you just call me beautiful?

Ron:No. I said you were a... beautiful disaster. Of paperwork.

Ann:That's not what you said.

Ann:Ron, I heard what you said. You love me!

Ron:I said no such thing, Leslie.

Ann:You just called me Leslie!

Ron:Did I? Well, that changes nothing.

Ron Swanson:I have a deeply rooted fear of commitment.

Kids:Ron's scared! Ron's scared! Ron's scared of commitment!

Ron:I love breakfast food.

Ron:That doesn't mean I don't love meat.

Ron:I love 'em both equally.

Ron:Don't tell anyone.

Ron:I don't love her!

Ron:I mean, I respect her work ethic, her intelligence, her unwavering dedication to public service...

Ron:But that's not love. That's just... admiration. Professional admiration.

Shauna:I'm thinking we could have a really romantic dinner, just the two of us.

Shauna:Well, my ex will be there, and probably like fifteen of my closest friends, and maybe some people from my CrossFit gym...

Leslie:We can't move the fridge. It's too heavy. So I guess we'll just have to eat all the food in it.

Orin:You see, what happened is you're all ghosts. You died in this house and now you're trapped here forever.

Leslie:Wait, what? That's not... we're not ghosts.

April:We're ghosts.

Orin:Yes, you're like small birds trapped in a house. Except you're dead.

Bakery owner:A bear is much bigger than a canary.

Leslie:Yes, we all know that! Can we please just get back to the cupcakes?

April:Have you tried putting illegal drugs in it?

Tom:Hey Ben, can I borrow some money? No questions asked.

Ben:Uh, sure. What's it for?

Tom:Fireworks.

Diane:Well, Ron, last week one of them set the kitchen on fire trying to make toast. So compared to that, this is fine.

Leslie:Oh, April, a gift! How thoughtful!

April:It's garbage.

Leslie:I'm sorry, what?

April:Literally garbage. I found it in the dumpster behind the Sweetums building.

Leslie:Oh.

Tom:Welcome to Tom's Bistro. We have the finest cuisine in Pawnee. Our chef trained in Paris for twelve years. We also have a full bar with craft cocktails made by mixologists who actually know what they're doing. And if you're not satisfied with your meal, we will personally fly to your house and cook you another one. Tom's Bistro: nothing but net.

April Ludgate:Look, all we have to do is get some PCP. You can move anything on angel dust. My cousin Hesen, he beat off five cops on that stuff.

Tom Haverford · Andy Dwyer · Ben Wyatt:Guys, I think I just dribbled up an idea. / No, double dribbled it. / Yeah, you have learned nothing about basketball.

Tom Haverford · Ben Wyatt:You're a good friend, Ben. / Oh, thanks. / Can I borrow $1,500? / You're not allowed to ask what it's for. / Fireworks.

Ann Perkins · Diane:First of all, everyone is fine. / No one got hurt, but there was an incident. / Oh, my God. What happened?

Diane · Diane's daughters:Well, who has been having fun with scissors? / Us! / Ann taught us how to be doctors! / Yay!

Ann Perkins · Diane:You're not mad? / No, it's fine. They're kids. Once, Zoe put Ivy in the dryer, so...

Diane · Ron Swanson:This is why I love you. / Oh. / Well, I love you, too.

Ann Perkins:That's my cue.

Chris Traeger · Leslie Knope:City manager Chris Traeger was present for this event, and has a personal relationship with the author. / Okay, that's pretty good, right? 'Personal relationship.' / It's not romantic. / But it is descriptive. No, it's not even descriptive.

Leslie Knope · Chris Traeger:I know you're not used to this, but maybe you should just try to keep it chill and see what happens. / Great advice. / Impossible to follow, but great advice.

Leslie Knope · April Ludgate · Soup kitchen worker:So do you think the soup kitchen could use that fridge? / I mean, April and I were gonna haul it onto the truck effortlessly, but if you need it... / Absolutely. This is a godsend. / Grab a side, ladies. / I think all of us can get it on the truck.

Leslie Knope · April Ludgate:And it's trash. / It's filled with trash. / Maybe there's something on the bottom here. Let me see-- No, just trash.

Leslie Knope:And it's trash. It's filled with trash. Maybe there's something on the bottom here. Let me see-- No, just trash.

Tom Haverford:Tom's post-game press conference product placement speech: 'Dope suits, pocket squares, gingham shirts, glasses with no lenses, tiny cardigans, fedoras... Look at this watch! Whatever swag you need, you can rent at Rent-A-Swag. Now, that's basketball.'

Tom Haverford:Tom Haverford hijacks a child's post-game interview to advertise Rent-A-Swag at a kids' basketball game: 'We've got everything: Dope suits, pocket squares, Gingham shirts, glasses with no lenses, Tiny cardigans, Fedoras... Look at this watch!'