The Master Plan

Tom:I'm throwing this party because I'm a selfless friend who cares about my friends' happiness.

Tom:Just kidding. I'm using this party to meet women. Single women. Lots of them.

Tom:I'm going to find my soulmate at this party. She's going to be between 5'2" and 5'11", probably work in marketing or nonprofit, definitely laugh at my jokes, and have zero emotional baggage.

Jerry:Tom, that describes like three people in the entire city.

Tom:Exactly. Three chances. I like those odds.

Andy:So what do you think the song is called?

April:April.

Andy:Yeah! How did you—wait, that's not good, is it?

April:No, it's not.

April:I'm 21 now, which means I'm officially an adult. I can vote, I can serve on a jury, and I can drink alcohol responsibly.

April:So obviously I'm going to get tattoos, stay up until 3 AM on a school night, and see how many shots I can do before I black out.

Leslie:*evil laugh* Mwahahaha!

Ron:You sounded like a chimp.

Unknown official:The event has been postponed indefinitely.

Leslie:When does indefinite end?

Unknown official:When it's no longer indefinite.

Leslie:But how do we know when that is?

Unknown official:When we say it is.

Leslie:You know what? You're right. I can't fight the auditors. I'm just going to accept it and move on with my life.

Leslie:Just kidding! I'm going to fight them with everything I have!

Ron:I know.

Ron:What do you do when you're angry?

Leslie:I go to my office, close the door, and I scream into a pillow for like forty-five minutes.

Ron:That's very healthy.

Leslie:Then I take a nap on top of my desk. Then I wake up and I feel refreshed and ready to make government work for the people.

Tom:So the rule is, you take half your age and add seven. That's the youngest you should date.

Andy:Okay, so if you're 40, that's 20 plus 7, which is... 30?

Tom:No, no. Half of 40 is 25, plus 7 is 34. Wait, that doesn't sound right either.

Andy:Yeah, I got 30. I'm pretty sure it's 30.

Tom:Yeah, you know what? 30 sounds right. Let's go with 30.

Andy:Tom, I need dating advice. Who should I ask?

Tom:Well, you're asking me, so...

Andy:Oh my God, that's a terrible idea. Never mind.

Mark:I think it's great that we never fight. It means we have a really healthy relationship.

Ann:Actually, no. Couples that never fight are usually just repressing things. Healthy couples fight about stuff. They just do it in a respectful way.

Mark:So you're saying we should fight more?

Ann:I'm saying we should fight about things that actually matter to us instead of pretending everything is fine all the time.

Ann:Every healthy relationship needs conflict. You need to fight sometimes.

Mark:Okay, I'll start hitting you.

Jerry:State auditors? Oh God, oh God, oh God. This is it. This is how it ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper and a tax audit.

Jerry:Quick, someone hide all the office supplies I've been taking home! And my browser history! Why would they need my browser history?!

Jerry:I'm going to prison. I'm definitely going to prison. I've seen Oz. I'm not cut out for this.

Chris:This is incredible. I have never seen anything like this before. This office tour is the most amazing experience of my entire life. Look at these fluorescent lights! Do you see how they illuminate the room? That is craftsmanship. And this carpet—it's so... carpeted. I'm getting emotional.

Leslie:When I first met Chris, his positivity was so blinding I thought he was either a robot or a very handsome lighthouse.

Chris:We need to make some serious budget cuts. It's like we're closing down the fun house at the carnival.

Ben:The fun house?

Chris:Yeah, you know, where everything's distorted and nothing makes sense? That's our current government.

Ben:Ron, I've been looking at the department budget, and there's a lot of waste here.

Ron:Of course there is. Government is a swamp.

Ben:Well, I'm thinking we could cut some positions, streamline operations...

Ron:Now you're speaking my language.

Ron:Finally, someone who understands that government should be smaller, leaner, more efficient. I've been dreaming of this day.

Ron:Pass me those pork cracklins.

Ben:What is Jerry's actual value to this department?

Leslie:Well, Jerry is the backbone of this department. Without Jerry, this office would fall apart. He's irreplaceable, he's essential, he's basically the Beyoncé of Parks and Rec.

Ben:We're not here to save the world. We're here to do a little good each day. And if we're lucky, people notice. That's it. That's the whole thing. We're basically a band-aid on a gunshot wound, but we keep showing up with the band-aid anyway.

Ben:Does the building have feelings?

Leslie:Well, I mean, it's possible. Everything has feelings. I once cried for three hours because I thought a lamp looked sad.

Andy:So I was thinking we should go camping sometime, get to know each other better.

Andy:But I realize how that sounds. I'm not trying to... you know. I just want to bond with you as a friend and coworker.

Andy:We can bring other people! It'll be totally normal and not weird at all.

April:Actually, now that it's legal, I'm not interested anymore.

Tom:I know the guy who invented the Frito Lay.

Woman:Wow, that's impressive!

Tom:Yeah, we're pretty tight. He calls me all the time.

Woman:What do you guys talk about?

Tom:Mostly chip flavors.

Unknown:The sound effect and visual of someone apparently falling or getting hurt during the party

Ann:Andy! Oh my God, hi!

Andy:Ann! Hey! How've you been?

Ann:Good, good. You look... really good actually.

Andy:Thanks! You too.

Ann:No, I mean like, really good. Like, did you work out? Your arms look insane.

Andy:I mean, I've been going to the gym...

Ann:It shows. It really shows. Do you think I look good?

Andy:You always look good, Ann.

Ann:But do I look GOOD good? Like, good enough that you regret breaking up with me?

Andy:Okay, I think you've had enough to drink.

Ann:Do you think I was a good girlfriend to Chris? Like, was I supportive enough? Did I make him feel valued? Because sometimes I wonder if I could have been more attentive to his emotional needs, and I just really need to know if you think he felt loved.

Ann:I feel like I've invested so much in this relationship with Andy, and I'm just not seeing the returns I expected.

Ann:It's like I put in all this effort to help him grow as a person, and he's still just... Andy.

Tom:Okay, so I'm thinking, if I wine her up at 7, dinner at 8, we're back here by 10:30, she's had two glasses of wine, her guard is down, we're listening to some Al Green, I'm looking at her like this... and boom, I'm in.

Tom:But what if she orders the halibut? That's gonna throw off my whole timeline.

Jean-Ralphio:I showed up at her house every day for a week. Well, I thought it was her house. Turned out it was the wrong house, but the lady who lived there was into me, so it worked out. We did it on her kitchen table.

April:Andy, I've been flirting with you all day.

Andy:Oh cool, that's nice. Hey, did you see the game last night?

Andy:Wait, what's that guy's name? Jean... Jean...

Andy:Jean-Claude Van Damme?

Andy:No wait... Jean-Ralphio!

Andy:No, I'm thinking of Ralph Macchio. The Karate Kid guy.

Tom:I've been keeping track of my pickup attempts. I'm up to 847.

Tom:Wait, that's just my phone bill. Never mind, I'm starting over.

April:I'm not drunk. I'm just... I have a very rare condition where I can't pronounce words correctly and I walk into things.

April:Also I'm pretty sure I just called Ben 'Brenda' four times.

Leslie:You know what, Ben? I'm going to be honest with you because I'm drunk and that's when I tell the truth. I don't like you. I think you're pretentious and boring and you have no sense of humor.

Ben:Oh. Okay.

Leslie:And your sweater vests are stupid.

Ann:Wow, Leslie, that was really professional. You're such a great role model for workplace conduct.

Ann:Oh God, what happened last night?

Ann:Who... who did I...?

Tom:Hey, good morning! How's the head?

Ann:Tom? Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Please tell me we didn't...

Tom:Didn't what? We just danced a little, you told me I was your favorite person in the office, then you threw up in a planter.

Ann:That's it? That's all that happened?

Tom:Well, you also kissed me. Twice.

Ann:I kissed you?!

Leslie:And me! Don't forget about me!

Ann:Leslie?! Oh God, I'm going to die.

Chris:Okay, here's what you need. Vitamin B complex, magnesium, potassium, NAD+, CoQ10, and a probiotic with at least 50 billion live cultures.

Chris:You take all of these, you'll live to be 187 years old.

Leslie:Ben, I'm sorry. You are like a beautiful flower, and I have been a terrible gardener who has let you wilt and—

Ben:Leslie, just say it.

Leslie:You're fat.

Chris:I can't take my vitamins today.

Chris:I read that one batch might have been manufactured in a facility that also processes nuts, and I'm not even allergic to nuts, but what if I develop an allergy? What if the vitamins give me the allergy?

Andy:So Ann got drunk and blacked out, and I had to take care of her. Which is weird because usually it's the other way around.

April:No it's not.

Tom:What is this? A hundred and forty-seven dollars?

Bartender:You had a lot of cosmos.

Tom:I don't drink cosmos!

Bartender:The receipt says you ordered seven.

Tom:A 43-way? That's impossible. I mean, mathematically, logistically... I don't even know where you'd start. And more importantly, I'd hate to disappoint 43 women.

Ben:When I was a teenager, I thought I had all the answers. I was going to change the world, fix every problem, make everything perfect.

Ben:Now I realize that teenage me was an idiot.

Ben:But at least he cared.

Ben:When a politician fails, they're basically done. They become a lobbyist, or they go on Fox News, or they write a book nobody reads.

Ben:But if you really screw up? Really embarrass yourself? You have to go on a morning show and talk about your feelings.

Leslie:Wait, you performed 'Ice Ice Baby' at a formal state dinner?

Ben:I was 16 and thought I was making a bold political statement.

Leslie:By rapping Vanilla Ice?

Ben:The Governor was not amused.

Ann:Do you think I blacked out and did something crazy?

Ron:Good God, woman, no.

Ann:How am I supposed to contact you?

Ben:Just call me on my phone.

Ann:I don't have your number.

Ben:Well, I'll give you my number... but only if you give me yours first.

Ann:That's... that's how phone numbers work.

Ben:No, I mean give me your actual phone. Then I can call myself on it and you'll have my number.

Leslie:A government shutdown? But... but I love government. I love the people in government. I love the process of government. How can government shut down? It's like asking the sun to stop being hot, or asking me to stop being awesome.

Leslie:This is fine. Everything is fine. I'm fine.

Leslie:*humming intensifies into full circus calliope music*

Andy:♪ April, April, your birthday's in July... ♪

April:My birthday is in December.

Andy:I know, but July rhymes with 'guy' and you're... a guy. A cool guy.