Tom Haverford

Tom:Tom talking head about Ron: 'I play a lot of online Scrabble with my boss, Ron Swanson, and, oh, my God, that guy is the best. He beats me every time. He kills me. He's awesome. I can't beat him. I should just close my account.'

Tom:Tom: 'That's a weird way to describe me.'

Tom · April:Tom asks April: 'Do you think I'm in the top five best-looking Indian guys in Pawnee?'

Tom:Tom: 'Who do you think's got me beat? That guy Hashish at City Planning?'

Ron · Tom:Ron to Tom: 'Let me tell you something, Tom. You suck at Scrabble. I know. You're destroying me. You're worse than my ex-wife, and she's terrible at Scrabble. And she's a bitch.'

Tom · April:Tom catches April playing Scrabble on Ron's computer: 'I was letting him win, dumbass.' / 'Whatever.' / 'Oh. Come on. Lateral, communal, zonal?'

Tom · April:April dropped a 'Z' in a Scrabble word. Tom: 'You dropped a Z in there? April.'

Ron · Tom:Ron confronts Tom about the Scrabble: 'Tom. Ron, I don't know what to tell you, man. April got on my computer. Password was saved.' / Ron: 'I don't even know what lexicons are. I thought that was a luxury automobile.' / Ron: 'I knew that couldn't have been you. You don't have the vocabulary.' Tom: 'I know.' Ron: 'You can't even spell vocabulary.' Tom: 'Yeah. V-O-G-X...' — trailing off — 'Was that right?' Ron: 'No.'

Tom:Tom interrupts Mark's heartfelt apology to Leslie: 'Whoa! You nailed Malwae-Tweep? Nice.'

Mark · Tom:Mark: 'Yes, but I'm not gonna do it again. It's over.' Tom: 'So she's available.'

Tom:Wow, it's like a sweaty piñata.

Andy · Tom:Hey, my iPod! / Oh, yeah! My pirate!

Tom:Look at how hot she is. Isn't that crazy? And she's a surgeon. She makes a ton of money! Bam!

Tom · Mark · Tom:This is Derek. / Cool. How long have you guys been dating? / We're just friends. / He's like the gayest person I've ever met. But I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes.

Mark · Tom:You know, if you don't wanna talk to me, you can just say so. / I don't wanna talk to you.

Tom:Hi. I'm Tom Haverford. This is my wife, Wendy. She's my age.

Tom · George:So, did you go to Indiana State? / Yes. / My buddy Todd went there. Maybe you know him. What year did you graduate? / 1968. / Oh! Todd graduated in 2005, so you probably missed him.

Unknown · Tom:How did Leslie meet her boyfriend? / She used to read him books at the senior center. / Wow. How old is he? / He's six, but he has Benjamin Button's disease.

Tom · Leslie · Ann:Tom reveals: 'Pawnee has a gay bar? / Yeah. The Bulge. / It's behind my house. / The Bulge is a gay bar? / Uh, the nights I've wasted there.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom defends his peach snake shirt: 'Yes, 'cause it was featured in Details magazine. And it's awesome.'

Tom:Tom's assessment: 'Yes. The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet.'

Tom:Tom: 'Mine has a collar on it.' (referring to his T-shirt from The Bulge)

Leslie · Tom:At The Bulge: 'I can't believe this is a gay bar. / Yeah, especially with that heterosexual cowboy greeting us on the way in.'

Tom:Tom suggests a bar called 'Pitchers and Catchers' as an alternative for people uncomfortable at The Bulge

Tom:Tom's talking head: 'I've seen so many dudes from City Hall here tonight, it's crazy. But I guess they've seen me here, too. So, that's not great.'

Tom · Joan:Tom's extended flirtation sequence with Joan Callamezzo: 'You have the softest skin of any woman in Pawnee.' / 'What's it like being the most attractive woman in Pawnee?'

Tom · Joan:Tom and Joan's mutual flattery exchange, reaching absurd heights: 'You have the softest skin of any woman in Pawnee.' / 'I wish you could reach, from your TV screen, and just touch Joan's skin for a second. That's sweet. You'd have a treat.'

Tom:Tom tells Joan: 'I wish you could reach, from your TV screen, and just touch Joan's skin for a second. You'd have a treat.'

Tom · Ann:Tom greets Ann: 'Ann Perkins. How you doing?' / Ann: 'I'm good. How was mountain climbing?'

Tom · Leslie:Tom names plants after rappers: 'Those are, of course, tomatoes. Or souljaboy tellems.'

Tom:Those are some diddies. There's some bonethugs and harmoniums right here.

Leslie · Tom:We need to find out who we're dealing with. Who is this kingpin? / It's a 13-year-old kid named Stevie who likes to get high and make his Transformers look like they're having sex.

Ron · Tom:Ron silently gestures for Tom to get his lunch from a nearby cart, making Tom walk across the room rather than just ordering it.

Ron · Tom:Thank you. That'll be all. / You're welcome.

Leslie · Tom:Leslie put their faces on the mix CD cover.

Leslie · Tom:Are you gonna wear that shirt? ... Tommy Hilfiger? / No, Tom Haverford. I spent 120 bucks to get it monogrammed. Everyone thinks it's Hilfiger.

Tom · Ann:Tom secretly taking photos of Mark arriving for his date while pretending to 'test the lens.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom's confessional monologue listing Mark's conquests: 'hot chick from the newspaper, hot chick from the post office, hot chick from the hospital.' Then: 'Her name's Ann. You know her name.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom: 'Nobody turns him down.' / Leslie: 'I did. Yeah, I did. We were drunk, and he tried to kiss me, and I said, nuh-uh, no, sir, Mark Brendanawicz. I don't need your business here.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie has been playing shovel guitar for about an hour to pass stakeout time. Tom plays bucket drums.

Tom:Tom explains his name change: 'My birth name is Darwish Zubair Ismail Gani. Then I changed it to Tom Haverford because, you know, brown guys with funny-sounding Muslim names don't make it really far in politics.'

Tom:Tom explains he changed his name because 'brown guys with funny-sounding Muslim names don't make it really far in politics.'

Leslie · Tom:What about Barack Obama? / Yeah, fine, Barack Obama. If I knew a dude named Barack Obama was gonna be elected president, maybe I wouldn't have changed it.

Andy · Leslie · Tom:Andy is revealed to be living in the pit — 'For now, yeah. It's awesome.'

Tom:Tom, still in the stakeout van, says 'I wanted to see if you could tell' after Leslie apparently didn't notice he was still there.

Tom · Officer Dave:Tom to the police officer: 'It's okay, my name's Tom Haverford. I work for the Parks Department.' / Officer: 'Why don't you jimmy your way out and show me some ID?' / Tom: 'I just told you my ID, so what's the crime here? Parking while Indian?'

Tom:Tom, after being shown his ID is actually being examined: 'Nice job, Paul Blart. Why don't you head back to the mall, make sure nobody's breaking into lady-foot locker?'

Tom:Tom: 'I'll step out of your mama's van.' [followed by escalating physical struggle with the officer]

Tom · Officer Dave:Tom gets sprayed by motion-sensor sprinklers in the van area while being arrested.

Tom · Leslie:Tom is released from custody and finds Leslie waiting with his chocolate. Tom: 'It's not your chocolate. Don't... get your hands off that.' Leslie, caught eating it: responds sheepishly.

Tom · Leslie:Tom, to Leslie after a beat: 'Mark's an idiot. You could do a lot better than him. Forget about him.' / Leslie: 'Thanks, Tom.' / Tom: 'I didn't mean me. Keep it in your pants, Knope.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom spots something on TV: 'Oh, my God, I can't believe this is on!' / Leslie: 'I wonder if mini golf is open. Home!'

Tom:Tom, to Ann and Mark: 'Ann-danawicz, what are you guys doing? Eating? Love it. Just wanted to thank you for having me arrested as a pervert the other night. That was cool. Peace.'

Leslie · Tom · Donna · Jerry:Leslie casually informs her colleagues they might be getting daffodils too, listing them with varying degrees of certainty: 'Jerry, I don't know, I'm not sure. Time will tell.'

Tom:Tom says 'I want to be a judge' immediately after Leslie announces she's judging the beauty pageant

Tom · Leslie:'The girls from Talent and Poise are gonna be there?' — Tom mishears 'talent and poise' as the name of a strip club

Tom:'No, what's disgusting is the Glitter Factory. Do not go to the Glitter Factory.'

Tom:Tom reveals he also got himself made a judge, saying 'I know a guy. I had to call in a few favors.'

Tom:'But if you don't do it to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie introduces Tom: 'Hello, fellow judges. I'm judge Leslie Knope, and this is my colleague, Tom Haverford, who's gonna be a judge.'

Tom:Tom, facing the contestants, announces bra sizes out loud ('34C, 36B, 34B, 34D...') then catches himself with '32A? How'd you get in here?'

Leslie · Tom:The contestants walk out — visual beat of the audience seeing the actual women representing Miss Pawnee

Tom:Tom's confessional after Trish's intro: 'Looks like we got a frontrunner.'

Tom:During Trish's baton-twirling talent portion, a talking-head notes: 'My girl Trish is talented. She's not even twirling the baton.'

Tom:Tom's confessional: 'I'm texting Trish to tell her how good she did earlier.'

Tom:Tom's Q&A question opener: 'I have one for the hot one. First off, I just want to say I'm a little bit surprised because I didn't think angels could fly so low.'

Tom:Tom during deliberations: 'So how long do we have to pretend to deliberate till we get back out there?'

Tom · Ben or coworker:'I bet cave sex is in-sane.' / 'Why?' / 'The echoes and the humidity.'

Tom · April:The dirt-digging game setup: 'You will never believe what I just found on Jerry's Facebook.' / 'A friend.' / 'Burn.'

Tom · Ron:Tom holds up a photo: 'Taliban robes!' / Ron: 'What? Where'd you get that photo from?' / 'Those aren't taliban robes. That's from Halloween. I was dressed like a jedi.'

Tom · Donna:Tom confronts Donna: 'Donna, let me ask you something. Do you hate black people?' / 'Excuse me?' / 'Because apparently in 1988, you donated money to the presidential campaign for... David Duke!'

Tom:Tom's talking-head: 'I've established a scientifically perfect ten-point scale of human beauty. Wendy is a 7.4, which is way too high for Tom, who is a 3.8. Ten is tennis legend Steffi Graf.'

Tom · Ron:Tom's nickname game: 'Tom-mato sauce.' / Ron: 'Ron-tanamo bay.'

Tom · Ron:Tom reveals to Ron that his marriage to Wendy is a green card sham: 'I just found out your wedding was a sham. It's a green card marriage.' / Ron: 'That's crazy. I was born in South Carolina. These colors don't run, baby.'

Ron · Tom:Tom explains: 'We met in college. She wanted to work in the states. She couldn't get a permit.' / Tom: 'I knew it. I knew you couldn't get a wife as hot as her.'

Tom · Ron:Tom: 'Just admit that when it comes to digging up dirt, I bested you in this game. Say it. Say 'I bested you.'' / Ron: 'Fine, you bested me. Is that all?' / Tom: 'I'll have your wife tonight.' / Beat. / 'I'm just kidding. Get out of here.' / Ron: 'Why would you say that?'

Tom:Tom's victory speech: 'I'm gonna dig up so much dirt, there's gonna be worms all over the place.' / Beat. / 'It sounded snappier in my head.'

Tom · Bartender:Tom arrives at the bar asking for Duke Silver; the bartender says 'Yeah, he goes on in a second' — completely casual, as if it's normal.

Ron · Tom:Ron, post-performance, negotiates with Tom: 'I have worked pretty hard to cultivate a certain authoritative or intimidating image around the office.' / Tom: 'Can I get a picture?' / 'Sure.' / 'Say, 'I bested you.'' / 'I bested you.'

Ron · Tom:Ron: 'Thanks for lovin' the Duke.' / Tom: 'Lovely photo.'

Tom:Gold-sequined sweatpants recommendation for the mayor photo-op

Raul · Tom:Raul Alejandro Bastilla Pedro de Veloso de Maldonado introduces himself with an absurdly long name, then 'I'm Tom.'

Tom:I am not surprised at all. I've been to South America. I did very well there.

Raul · Tom:For your troubles. [Raul gives Tom a small tip after ordering him to get water]

Tom:You got it, chief.

Tom · Raul:The banana you wanted, señor. / Finally. / You peel. / What? / With your hands, you peel the banana.

Raul · Tom:14,000. I already know who wins Project Runway. / I'm coming over to your house, then.

Tom · Raul · Antonio · Elvis:Elvis. / Henry! / Raul... butterfinger. / Antonio, Nestlé Crunch with the crispy rice removed.

Tom:I find it incredibly demeaning, but, guess what? Cash money. I'm going to make it rain.

Tom:I'm gonna pick that up real quick. [Tom clearly picking up a dropped tip/coin off the floor]

Leslie · Ann · Tom:Maybe I should return the money. It's from a foreign government. I don't really trust them. / Are you crazy? / You could buy a low-end Lexus. / Or you could build a park.

Leslie · Tom · Ann:Pro, $35,000 worth of dirty money. / Con, not quite sure why that's a pro. / Pro, we can fill in the pit. / Con, Ann already said that. / Pro and con never works. / Pro, yes, it does.

Tom:Gonna be a good video.

Tom:The key to volunteering? A lot of pockets. For putting all the food in. The red cross has amazing cookies. I go there all the time. Meals on wheels was a bonanza. Suicide hotline, surprisingly lame spread.

Tom:I have a couple in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.

Tom:There was a girl at my prom who was known as the backhoe. Mary Dunbar, she'd let anyone massage her back.

Tom:Sewage, let's roll. / Damn! How does sewage always get the hottest interns?

Tom · Leslie:No offense, Leslie, but I'm not an artist. / That's not true. I've seen your fingernails. / I pay someone to do this. / Really?

Leslie · Tom:Designers, make it work. / Tim Gunn.

Tom · Ann (implied artist):The spirit of Pawnee. That's all I got. / Here. Just gimme $20 worth of art. / Just something that seems personal that only I could have done. / Well, tell me about yourself. / No. Just paint.

Tom · Street Artist:Dude, what the hell kind of art is this? Looks like a lizard puking up Skittles! / I'm an abstract expressionist. / No, you're a con artist, and I'm a guy that's out 20 bucks.

Tom:That looks like something a death row convict would make in art therapy.

Tom:You can't make art because you are art. You're beautiful... But that sucks.

Tom · Leslie:Some professional-ass art right here. / I'm not sure what I'm looking at. / It's abstract, Leslie. / Over here, you got some shapes. And then you come over to this side... You know, it's actually kind of interesting. Each shape is its own thing... But then when it comes together, it really gives you a sense of... completion.

Tom · Leslie:Who's the Jesus? / That would be Greg Kinnear. / I didn't know he was from Indiana. / Yeah, you know, I read that he was.

Tom · Leslie:Do you think he's the best choice for Jesus? / He was great on ER... / Greg Kinnear wasn't in ER. / Yeah, he was. / I don't think that he was. / Who am I thinking of?

Jerry · Tom · Others:For my murinal... / You said 'murinal'. / No, I didn't. / You said 'murinal'. I heard it.

Tom · Others:Jerry, why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it? / Go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection. / Murinal, murinal, murinal!

Tom · Jerry · Tom:Disqualified! / It's pointillism. And each dot is a photo of a citizen of the town. / No one cares. At all.

Tom · Leslie:One to one to one to one to one to one. / We all voted for ourselves, didn't we?

Chris (implied) · Tom · Unknown:There's something about those shapes. There's some emotional art right there. / Any kid could do that. / No kid could do that! Only god could do that!

Mark/Ben · Tom · Ann · Tom:So, it is an old man feeding pigeons in a park. The spirit of Pawnee, maybe? / You gotta be kidding me. / How is that better than mine? / It isn't. And that's saying something.

Unknown · Tom:What are the shapes? / The shapes are awesome, is what they are. You can't handle it.

Tom · April (implied) · April:Look at that. / It's not as good as the other one. / I don't know what you mean by good? / Neither do I! / Just do another one! / I have actual assignments that I have to finish for art school. / Shut up and do more art for me.

Tom · Someone else:This one's racist. / It's beautiful.

Tom · Unknown:I've looked at this for five hours, now. / I like the green one and the red circle right here. / I'm tearing up, man.

Tom · Mark:Tom pantsing Mark, yelling 'I'm the pants king!'

Tom:Tom calling Ron 'Ron P. Diddy Combs' and noting the cabin is 'pretty tight'

Tom · Ron · Leslie:Tom chewing tobacco for the first time and swallowing it

Ron · Tom:Ron's elaborate hunting toast being immediately shot down by Tom: "Ron, your toast sucked. The traditional toast is 'to the hunt.' And it is said by me."

Tom:After the rogue gunshot, Tom says: 'I saw a quail. Sorry, man. You snooze, you lose.'

Tom · Jerry:Tom announcing 'Jerry's here. Here's your scotch.' as the first response to Ron being shot

Tom:Tom telling Ron 'Ann is the best nurse in north America'

Tom:Tom: 'On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?'

Tom:"On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?"

Tom · Ann · Leslie:'Maybe Ron shot himself. He has seemed really depressed lately.' 'He was shot in the back of the head.'

Tom:'Man is the most dangerous game. To the predator.' — someone suggests they're being hunted

Tom · Mark:'I did smell something out there, and it wasn't human.' 'That was pine trees.'

Tom:'The predator can see heat. We should cover ourselves in mud.'

Tom · Donna:'It's Craig from Reinhold Mercedes!' — the terrifying predator is a car dealership employee

Ron · Tom · Mark:Ron learns Tom shot him without a hunting license: 'What kind of moron doesn't get a license?'

Ron · Leslie · Tom:Ron to Leslie: 'You're a real stand-up guy.' Then to Tom: 'I'm sorry I lost my temper. It was because I was shot in the head by a moron.'

Tom · Ron:Tom's response to Ron's apology: 'Dude, Ron, I'm so sorry.' Ron: 'Apology not accepted, moron.'

Tom · Leslie:'Pants king.' 'Pants queen.' — Leslie and Tom exchanging their earlier titles as a moment of reconciliation

Tom:Took a risk, bought some shoes online. Paid off handsomely, as you can see.

Tom:Lasted longer than Avril Lavigne and the guy from Sum 41. Am I right?

Tom:Thanks, Rondoleezza Rice.

Tom · Jerry · Ron · Others:Strip club? / Did somebody say strip club? / No. / Somebody say strip club? / You did. / I definitely heard someone say strip club. / You did.

Tom:I'll have the surf and turf-osaurus, and a couple of bottles of wine? I'm gonna need a lot of wine, so keep it flowing.

Leslie · Jerry · Tom:Here's what I think we should do. Everyone should go around and say one thing that they love about Tom. / I really wish I could have your body. / What? / Like, tied up, naked, in your basement?

Tom:I'm still feeling pretty sad. Can I get two creme brulees and another glass of 'bronto' grigio?

Tom · Leslie:She's a tall, beautiful surgeon. I'm a short, beautiful government employee slash club promoter. / You're a club promoter? / Aspiring.

Leslie · Tom · Unnamed character:Crap. / We are going to the Glitter Factory. / What? / I can't go back there. But if you see Jasmine, tell her she can keep Anthony, but I want my microwave back.

Leslie · Tom:Go put these in places I do not approve of. / I'm gonna put these in places you've never heard of.

Tom:Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting divorced. But now I'm ready to pull myself up by some g-strings.

Tom:Stripper dancing action. (stage direction read aloud / confessional describing the visual)

Tom · Leslie · Tom · Leslie:I don't want to do this. / Is it because you have a strong, positive, female figure watching you? / No, it's because I'm miserable. / Never mind. Thank you, Seabiscuit. That'll be all.

Tom:I've been to the Glitter Factory a million times. That girl up there, she's my emergency contact. But right now, I hate it here. And I just want to see Wendy.

Leslie · Tom · Leslie:60 days! And then she's free to marry Ron Swanson. / What? Ron? / He's gonna ask her out. He told me.

Tom:You know those hangover pills you can order on TV? I threw up a bunch of them this morning and feel much better.

Leslie · Tom:My God, because you're Libyan. / No, damn it. Wendy's from Canada.

Tom · Tom · Mark:You like your wife? That's a bummer. / Anyone knows that you like your wife? Your wife knows that you like your wife? / I didn't know until yesterday. So don't tell anyone. Don't tell Ron.

Tom:Listening to that tree lighting is gonna be dope.

Tom:And often. Thank you, I'll be here all week!

Tom · April:Brokeback Mountain DVD. No. Fellows love that. No. Does he already have, like, chaps? Like assless chaps?

Ron · Tom:Which meeting is this? / Reorganization of Local Auditing Systems. / Kill me.

Dave · Ron · Tom:We got called up to active duty. I ship out in four days. / Oh, my God! Where you going? / San Diego. / Oh, my God! / It's not dangerous.

Tom · Chris/Andy:Hey, have you figured out what you're getting Ann for Christmas? / Oh, I got her a pretty great computer bag. / Yeah? That's a terrible gift.

Tom:Have you seen Ann? You know how hot she is? Men give women of that caliber speedboats, private jets, not computer bags.

Tom:Diamonds. Can't go wrong with diamonds. / Even the super left-wing chicks that saw Blood Diamond and cried, when they get a diamond, they're like, 'Yeah, bitch, give me more of them blood diamonds! Make them extra bloody.' Trust me.

Tom · April:I've been thinking about your gay boyfriend all day. I have got some awesome ideas. / First idea, spray tan gift certificates. / Ugh. No. / Trip to Germany? Germany is awesome. / And expensive.

Tom:Easy. Indianapolis Colts' Reggie Wayne jersey, number 87, double XL, home blue, signed by Reggie Wayne right after he catches a touchdown to win the Super Bowl.

Tom · Ron:I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal. / Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7.

Tom · Ron:'Bring a case of beer to Sanitation' appearing on Leslie's schedule — revealed as the reason the dumpster wasn't emptied

Tom · Ben/Andy:Reggie Wayne! / Dude! You remembered me complaining about my computer bag!

Tom · Ben/Andy:Yeah, it's perfect. / It's way better than the gift that I got you. It's Pacers tickets. / Oh! They're not even good seats! Ugh.

Ben/Andy · Tom:I actually got you a second gift. / You don't have to come to this game with me. / You don't have to. / That's the nicest gift anybody's ever... Is that good? / Gotten me in my life!

Leslie · Tom:Leslie tells Tom he's being invited because he comes from 'the most distant and exotic land.' Tom: 'South Carolina?'

Tom · April:Tom asks April to shake his hand to test if he's exfoliated too much. April: 'Ew! It's like touching raw chicken.' Tom: 'Damn it. Gonna have to re-foliate them.'

Tom:Tom's talking-head: 'People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.'

April · Tom:April's reaction to shaking Tom's over-exfoliated hand: 'Ew! It's like touching raw chicken.'

Tom · Justin · Leslie:Tom greets Justin with 'I have the swine flu.' Justin: 'Oh...' Leslie: 'No, she doesn't.'

Tom:Tom admits to Justin that he barely knows India ('The last time I was in India I was eight years old and stayed inside playing video games') while scrambling to fact-check: 'Fourth largest coal reserves in the world.'

Justin · Tom:Have you ever been to the Kaniman Mosque, down in Tamil Nadu? / Are you kidding? My uncle practically runs the place. I've prayed there. It's sick.

Tom · Justin:Tom is dared to eat a hot pepper from the soup. He accepts. He cries. Justin: 'You're very brave.' Tom, struggling: 'Please, that was one of the tiny ones.' Then Tom starts singing while suffering.

Tom · Justin · April:Tom trying to generate interesting party conversation introduces Derek and Ben as gay but mentions April 'on occasion will have relations with Derek.' Then: 'Discuss that.' Justin: 'There's not much more to discuss. You kind of explained it all.'

Tom:Tom's follow-up: 'Who else is gay?' after the conversation fails to launch.

Leslie · Tom:Leslie scolds Tom: 'Tom, I need your help. There was a lull. I saw Justin yawn. Please tell me that yawning is a sign of excitement in India or something.'

Tom:Tom at the hearing: 'I would like to say that Leslie is incapable of using people for her own gain. Thank you, Tom. But I can't, because Leslie loves using people for her own gain.'

Tom · Leslie:I would like to say that Leslie is incapable of using people for her own gain. / Thank you, Tom. / But I can't, because Leslie loves using people for her own gain.

Leslie · Tom:Leslie extends the metaphor: 'I put a big white stallion in front of a little brown pony.' Tom: 'Totally uncalled for.'

Tom · Justin:Tom to Justin: 'I'm not gay, but you're the most incredible man I've ever met.' Justin: 'That doesn't sound gay at all.'

Tom · Ann:Tom gives Ann a teddy bear as a 'belated Valentine's Day' gift a full month after Valentine's Day, then immediately pivots to 'Happy early Valentine's Day' when called out

Tom · Ann:Tom insists the teddy bear is 'a regular, camera-less teddy bear' then immediately says 'Just put it in your bedroom, don't even think about it. It's a robot bear. It's programmed to snuggle!'

Tom:Tiger Woods joke: 'I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god!'

Tom · Leslie:Tom on the golf course: 'How long do you think it would take me to learn golf, Leslie?' / 'I could teach you... you have to get up early, hit the range, practice reading greens.' / 'Yeah, I don't want to do all that. I think I just want some of those dope pants.'

Tom:Tom puts on golf clothes and declares: 'Seriously, man, when you wear these clothes, you just feel better than everyone else. You know?'

Tom:Tom's song about Fairway Frank: 'Fairway Frank, you're gonna die / You're gonna fry, oh yeah / You guilty son of a bitch / You're gonna fry, when they flip that switch'

April · Tom:April's confessional about the possum identity crisis, told through an elaborate whale metaphor that she maintains until she breaks: 'I saw a second possum!'

Tom:Tom's description of Andy kissing his own biceps during the photo shoot

Tom · Leslie:Tom reads about the 'innocent duck / vicious goose' case from Walnut Creek — Leslie's reaction: 'No, it's awful, Tom. How would you feel if you killed an innocent duck and let a vicious goose waddle free?'

Tom · April · Leslie:Tom gets a call from April saying the possum escaped at Ann's house. He immediately promises April not to tell Leslie — and then the VERY next line: 'The possum got loose at Ann's house.'

Andy · Tom:Andy arrives with a list of everything he did that might have upset Tom, and also coffee, to apologize

Tom:No, I always write my own name. But just to be safe, I do add 20 extra 'Jerry's.

Tom · Leslie:I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd. / No. That's Mr. Funny Noodle. And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him.

Tom · April:Maybe he fell into the toilet. / Remember when he fell into the toilet?

Tom:'Oh, sorry, guys. Sorry I'm late. I got confused and took a shower after I got dressed, because I'm Jerry.'

Tom · Jerry:Is that code for some kind of weird sex act? / Lord Sheldon is my dog.

Jerry · Tom:My wife named him. / Ew!

Tom:How did you counter-attack? Fist to the throat? Did you hit him in the beanbag? There's no shame in attacking a criminal's beanbag.

Colleague · Tom:Wouldn't it be karma if we were the ones that got mugged? / Yeah. That's how pathetic Jerry is. He can't even get karma right.

Ron · Tom · Tom:We certainly are a bunch of weaklings. Especially Tom. / I am not a weakling. / Arm wrestle me right now.

Tom · Ann:Tom is visibly losing the arm wrestle while counting 'Three, four, five...' and the stranger walks in

Leslie · Leslie · Tom:He needs a lot of support. / Tom. / Talking about a bra for a man.

Tom · Jerry · Tom · Leslie:You went on a vacation and you chose Muncie, Indiana? / Yeah. My wife and I have a time-share. / In Muncie? / Tom, Muncie is a lovely city.

Carl · Tom · Carl:You might not be so confident once you've walked a mile in my size sevens. / Kind of small feet. / Actually, seven is the worldwide average. / Boom!

Carl · Tom · Carl · Tom:The first cart got pushed into the creek by kids. The second one, raccoons got onto. There was urine everywhere. The third one was recently stolen. / What's this one? / This is the second one. / The raccoon piss one.

Tom · Carl:Tom is told to run alongside the cart instead of riding, and he has to jog to keep up

Jerry · Tom:Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said. / Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Kill your wife?

Tom · Jerry · Tom:I got you a peppermint latte. / Seriously? My goodness. I love a peppermint... / I know.

Tom:Making fun of Jerry is back!

Tom · Ron:Tom names Ron's raccoon hat 'Swiss Family Ron-binson' and says 'that hat is dope'

Tom:Tom's increasingly desperate raccoon-hat pickup lines, culminating in 'Nice hat. Want to bone?' — attributed back to himself as coming from the woman

Tom:'You know what they say — Animal on the head, Manimal in the bed.'

Tom:'Damn, girl, your hotness killed my raccoon.'

Tom:'I have a raccoon hat. I'm an interesting person.' — Tom's dejected final attempt

Tom:Tom's raccoon pickup line: 'Are you a raccoon? Because you've been running around my hat all da— head all day.'

Tom:'Damn, girl, your hotness killed my raccoon.'

Tom · Justin:'Centerfold? Always the best part. Am I right, Justin?' — then the documentary crew cuts to reveal Justin is Ann's ex who dumped her six weeks ago

Tom:Tom's talking-head confessional: 'I tivo through shows to get to the ads. I love ads.'

Tom:Tom accidentally includes a personal photo in the slideshow — the reaction as the group sees something clearly inappropriate or embarrassing

Leslie · Tom · Mark:Leslie texts the group from someone else's phone pretending to be them — 'She just texted me from your phone and said she left her phone at home and that I should come here immediately, and why did I believe that?'

Tom · Ann · Mark:Tom suggests the couples should 'go on more dates with Tom.' Ann agrees: 'You have, and thank god an opportunity presented itself.'

Tom · Ann:Tom asks Ann 'And would it kill you to put on some lipstick? Do you even own lipstick?' while directing the photo shoot

Tom:Tom's talking-head four-step plan: nail the photo, book outside gigs, have sex with a model, become a model

Tom · Ann · Mark:Tom directing the photo shoot: 'Keep slithering! Keep slithering!'

Tom · Ann · Mark:Tom: 'Ann, can you give me something, anything in the face?' / Mark: 'I'm not doing anything, so...'

Tom · Ann:Tom's photo shoot critique: 'Maxim or Good Housekeeping?' — pause — 'I'm not sure which one is the insult.'

Tom:'Hey, if there's anyone doing a photo shoot about the dangers of eating undercooked chicken, I can give you Ann's phone number.'

Tom · Ann · Mark:Tom: 'Bobby, you can have as many juice boxes as you want... Mark, great job. You can have a juice box too. Ann, take a walk with me.'

Tom:'How could someone so hot be so bad at looking hot?'

Tom · Ann:Tom suggests Ann go nude for the photo shoot; Ann says goodbye; Tom: 'I totally understand, but we should get one for safety.'

Tom · Ann:Tom to Ann about her ring area: 'We need to do something to distract from this ring area.'

Tom:Tom: 'I tried to photoshop it to make it look like they were happy. It was really hard. Their mouths are just so old.'

Tom · Ann:April presents the 'Ann and Mark swing photos' — Tom calls them the 'unhappy wife photos'

Tom:'Now you know what I meant by make your face better.'

Tom · Leslie · Ann:Tom calls the photos of Ann and Mark on the swing 'the unhappy wife photos'; Leslie immediately agrees that Ann looks miserable.

Tom · Bill Haggardy:Tom Haverford introduces himself to the historical society rep about 'former beauty queen Jessica wicks' and announces he'll be 'running point' on this.

Leslie · Tom:Leslie throws her boots at Tom to get his attention, says 'Oh, these are tight' when he complains.

Tom:Tom's cologne: 'Attack by Dennis Feinstein. When you want to attack the senses of the lady you want to bed.'

Leslie · Tom:Everyone in the car reacts to Tom's cologne cloud — 'Door! Door! Door! Door! Close it.'

Nick Newport Sr. · Tom:Nick Newport Sr. asks Tom: 'Tell me straight. Are you a Chinese?' Tom replies: 'No. I'm one of the Indian people.'

Tom:Tom's talking head: 'That floppy old bag of money is gonna be dead in, like, a month. And who's going to comfort Jessica and her millions of dollars? Yeah, Jessica's a gold digger, but I'm a gold digger digger.'

Tom · Jessica Wicks:Tom: 'I should just pay you to follow me around.' Jessica: 'If that's a job offer, I accept.'

Tom · Jessica:Tom to Jessica walking ahead of him: 'I should just pay you to follow me around.' Jessica: 'If that's a job offer, I accept.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie chains herself to the gazebo gate; tells Tom to 'throw away the key. Seriously?' 'Yes, throw it!' — Tom throws the key

Tom · Leslie:Leslie chains herself to the gate to stop demolition equipment. Tom: 'Really thought that gate would open in the middle.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom keeps snapping the gate (the mechanism) after the gazebo is destroyed. 'Cut it out, Tom.' 'It never gets old!'

Tom:Tom's talking head about Mark and Ann: 'It was supposed to be me and Ann, or me and Jessica, or Ann and Jessica with me watching.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie's reason for being upset isn't the gazebo — it's that 'every time a couple gets married, I'm about to lose two good friends.'

Tom · Ann:Salad sucks. There. I said it. / Feel better? / Yep.

Leslie · Tom · Ben:No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon. / No. She should be on the hot air balloon, and you should ride up on horseback. / Oh. Wait. She's in the balloon, you ride up on horseback, you point to the sky, up there, skywriting, 'Marry me, Ann.'

Tom:Tom says he can't come to the telethon 'because I have no interest in being there.'

Tom:The Detlef Schrempf? [Tom, reverentially]

Tom · Leslie:Does Pawnee Cable Access even have hair and makeup? / Well, they have a communal lipstick and a box of combs.

Tom · Detlef Schrempf:Tom's Wikipedia knowledge of Detlef Schrempf — including his appearance in two episodes of a German soap opera 'Gute Zeiten Schlechte Zeiten'

Tom:Huh? Oh, 6'10". I'm 5'6" and three quarters.

Tom:The ultimate celebrity to hang out with for a night would be Criss Angel. You'd be talking to him, and then, he would just turn into fire.

Tom:Brooks Brothers Boys is like, the cuts are slimmer and it's cheaper. Win-win.

Tom · Detlef Schrempf:Do you ever talk to someone and you're just like, 'Oh. We're going to be best friends'? I'm getting that, right now. [Tom about Detlef Schrempf] / He had two beers. Light beers.

Tom:I need you to make that out, 'To Wendy. Tom is an amazing guy. You never should have left him. You made a huge mistake in your life, and you're probably going to die alone. Love, Detlef.'

Detlef Schrempf · Joan · Tom:Thanks, Tom. / All right. Thanks, Tom. Well, on behalf of the Detlef Schrempf Foundation, I would like to present this check for $5,000 for diabetes research. / Oh, man! Yeah. / Big man, big check. / By the way, I'm drunk.

Tom:Tom adds 'sexiest' to the newspaper description of the club, then immediately admits he added it himself

Tom:Tom declares he's a genius for using his friend's birthday party to 'stock the club with every available hottie I know' and predicts 'between one and four new girlfriends'

Tom · Kyle:Tom sarcastically says 'Oh, that's great. I'd love to hear all about your family vacations' when Kyle arrives at the party

Tom:'Get out, Kyle.'

Tom · Andy:Tom asks Andy what's the youngest a girl can be 'that if we go out, I'm not a total scumbag'

Tom · Andy:Tom laboriously works out 'half of 29... add seven... that's only 20...' and trails off as he and Andy both arrive at the same answer about April's age

Tom · Andy:Tom asks if he can date someone younger than the formula allows. Andy says: 'Please! You totally can.' Talking head: 'That probably means it isn't okay.'

Tom:Tom confessional: 'What exactly will you be cutting? And how much of it, and can I watch you doing it while eating pork cracklins?'

Tom:Tom asks in confessional: 'What's a not-gay way to ask him to go camping with me?'

Jean-Ralphio · Tom:Jean-Ralphio greets Tom with 'Lookin' hot, big T' followed by performing a little song/dance: '♪ throw them bones ♪'

Tom · Trish:Trish (Miss Pawnee) is introduced and someone says 'I was instrumental in getting Trish crowned Miss Pawnee. What was your talent again? Oh, yeah. Looking amazing.'

Tom:Tom hits on women at the bar: 'Hey, ladies. Is there anything you desire at all besides me?' / 'I'm serious, though. Um, are you into me?'

Tom:Tom gives April his Remy Martin 'for your birthday' — after she expressed interest in Jean-Ralphio; Tom's confessional: 'I thought she liked me. I guess I'm super bad at picking up signals.'

Tom:Tom confessional: 'But that Ralph Macchio guy's a total douche.'

Tom:Ann talking head: 'For once, it's Ann who blacked out drunk and not Andy.' — Tom, apparently.

Tom · Bartender:Tom's bar tab revealed: '47 drinks last night. Ten cosmos, eight Smirnoff Ices, and everything else starts with the word pomegranate.' Bartender: 'Was it your bachelorette party?'

Tom:Tom explains: 'I invited a bunch of girls here last night, and they all put drinks on my tab. And then I went home alone. I'm not sure what happened.'

Tom · Bartender:Bartender to Tom: 'What were you expecting was gonna happen, a 43-way?' / Tom: 'That would have been a little out of control. But awesome.'

Tom:Tom: 'The problem is I only have 15 penises. So there would have been 28 girls that were really upset with me.'

Tom · Lucy:Tom meets Lucy the bartender: 'Hey, uh, would you wanna get a drink tomorrow night?' Lucy: 'Does it have to be here?' Tom: 'No.' Lucy: 'Then sure.' — she gives him her number.

Tom:'I didn't know what to bring you, so I just got some magazines and lipstick. Woman stuff.'

Tom:Tom's talking-head: 'I'm not very good at visiting people in hospitals, so I'm going to go.'

Tom:Tom's talking-head: 'I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.'

Leslie · Tom · Donna · Jerry:Leslie bursts through the barricaded door and starts touching everyone's stuff while they recoil in horror. 'She's germing up all my stuff.'

Tom:'Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have network connectivity problems.'

Tom:Tom explains his preparation strategy to Ben: 'The worst thing you can do with an important presentation like this is over-prepare. So, I think it's best if I go to the spa.'

Tom:'See, I never promise Leslie anything. That way, I never disappoint her. I try to be considerate.'

Tom · Spa buddies:Tom's 'Would You Rather' game at the spa: 'Now, what superpower would you rather have? Would you rather be able to fly or be invisible?' / 'Fly, I guess.' / 'I forgot to tell you. You can only fly five feet above the ground.'

Tom · Preston:Tom's 'Would You Rather': 'Would you rather live in the pocket of a giant kangaroo or have a pocket on your own stomach that has a tiny kangaroo in it all the time?' / 'Tiny kangaroo in my stomach pocket.' / 'Forgot to mention, the tiny kangaroo is a racist.'

Tom · Ben:Tom reveals his 'spa buddies' secured 25 vans from their car dealerships for the Harvest Festival — his laziness accidentally became a networking win.

Tom:Tom introduces the Harvest Festival presentation with a full advertisement for Ladies' Night at the Snakehole Lounge, deadpanning it as a 'quick announcement.'

Tom:'Oh, no, that can't be right. That's way too good of a deal.' / 'Nope. That is what it says. Wow.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom introduces Leslie to the room as simply 'Leslie Knope' — then there is a long, ominous pause before she appears.

Tom:Tom suggests putting Eduardo in the time capsule 'so that he suffocates and dies.'

Tom:Tom's time capsule item: a photo of his ex-girlfriend Lucy with a mustache drawn on her and stink lines 'cause she stinks.'

Tom:Tom's confessional: 'Luckily, when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy.' Then demonstrates: 'Yeah, man. Turns out she's crazy.' 'That's what they always do on Entourage.'

Tom:'That's what they always do on Entourage.'

Tom · Kelly:Tom has stayed overnight reading Twilight. Morning confessional with Kelly: 'Twilight is dope. I couldn't put it down. It was like she was peering into my soul.' Kelly: 'Sing it, friend.'

Tom · Kelly:Tom learns there's a second book, then a third and fourth. 'No [bleep] way.' Kelly: 'It's fantastic.'

Tom · Kelly · Leslie:Tom and Kelly debate Twilight factions in Leslie's office. Leslie asks them to be quiet. Kelly: 'Sorry, sorry. Please keep it down. Be considerate.' Then back to Tom: 'Look at it this way, Tom. Bella's love for Edward is being tested. By Jacob?' 'Mm. Not exactly.' 'The volturi?' 'Yes.'

Leslie · Tom · Kelly · Forum Citizens:Leslie proposes two time capsules. The forum immediately erupts: 'No Twilight!' / 'Yes, Twilight!' — then cuts to Tom and Kelly urgently recapping: 'I only have a second, I have to get to work. Bella's going on her first hunt.'

Tom:Tom on the phone during the forum: 'Hey. Listen, I've never seen this before, so I'd really appreciate if no one talked or texted or anything.'

Tom · Lucy:Tom suggests if they'd stayed together Lucy would have 'dumped me for Ron.' Lucy: 'Actually, that's the reason.' Tom is bewildered.

Tom · Lucy:Lucy's explanation of Tom's Ron-obsession: 'You talk about it constantly. Well, I can't help it, okay? I mean, he's so manly, and he's my boss. Imagine if your boss was Angelina Jolie, and then one day, she just started dating your ex-boyfriend. Wouldn't that freak you out a little bit?' Lucy: 'Well, not if I had a great new boyfriend, dumbass.'

Ben · Leslie · Tom:Ben suggests salads for the cops; Leslie says 'Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.' Tom adds: 'Yeah, Ben, these guys are cops, not ballerinas.'

Tom · Ben:Tom's talking head about imagining Ron with a cape while 'plowing' his ex-wife, and Ben accidentally making it worse.

Tom · Ron:Tom introduces Tammy as his date and says: 'Is seeing your ex-wife on my arm making you uncomfortable? Gee, I can't imagine why. Or can I?'

Tammy · Tom:Tammy introduces herself as having 'tasted' Tom — 'I was just tasting my new boyfriend, Glenn.' Tom corrects her: 'Tom.'

Ron · Tom:Ron tells Tom: 'You don't know what you're mixed up in, son. This isn't about you. It's about me.'

Tom:Tom's intervention speech: 'I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty-kimono-wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room...' ending with 'I hate you like my actual brother, Levondrious, who I hate.'

Tom:Tom's talking head: 'I just wanted to show him what it felt like to have your ex-wife date someone you know. Whatever happened after that is not my fault.'

Tom · Ron:Tom tells Ron he brought Tammy as his date because she said 'anything to make Ron miserable' when he asked her — cackled for a full minute before agreeing.

Tom · Tammy:Tom tries to fight Tammy and fails spectacularly. Tammy: 'Why are you hitting yourself, Glenn? Stop hitting yourself.'

Ron · Tom:Ron tells Tom: 'Let's go, son.' Tom has been called Glenn throughout and physically humiliated. Ron calls him 'son' — paternal dignity restored.

Ron · Tom:Ron explains a scar on his face/head (from the brawl): 'Tom, women like scars. Shows you survived an attack, and they'll assume the attack was from a man.'

Ron · Tom:Ron and Tom toast: 'To true love. May we both find it.' Then: 'Nice glasses.' 'Wedding present from Jerry.' 'You're not gonna return them?' 'Nah. Too much hassle.'

Tom · April:April discovers Tom has added 'foot massage' to Andy's list of her hated tasks. Tom and April's mutual revelation that they're both getting foot massages from Andy.

Tom:At the Ya' Heard? with Perd debrief, Tom says: 'Let's go to the videotape.' Cut to Ben's breakdown on the Perd show.

Tom:Dennis Feinstein's new cologne is called 'Allergic — For Men'

Tom:Dennis Feinstein's ether-based perfume 'Blackout' was named one of Maxim's top 100 ways to trick someone into sex

Tom:Tom's pitch for his cologne 'Tommy Fresh' — 'I spray him and say, Uh-oh. Looks like you just nailed your future.'

Tom · Ben:'Hey, champ.' / 'Hey, champ...ion.'

Ben · Tom:Ben's alternative evening: the motel owner screening 'Hope Floats' in the lobby and inviting him to watch

Tom:'I think she's gonna murder you.'

Tom · Ben:Tom vouches for Ben by confirming he has money — Ben immediately says 'Yes.' then 'No.'

Tom:Tom listing Dennis Feinstein's scent names: 'Attack, yearning, thickening, itch, coma, sideboob'

Tom:Dennis Feinstein's real name is Dante Fiero — he changed it to Dennis Feinstein because 'that's way more exotic in Pawnee'

Tom · Ben:Tom approaches Dennis Feinstein: 'I'm the Yoda of networking' / Ben: 'Well, Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. His powers were more spiritual.'

Tom:Tom's confused response: 'As in, it's hilarious how awesome it is?'

Tom · Ben:Ben, dejected about Tommy Fresh, gets comforted by Tom who says: 'I can smell your dreams, Tom. And honestly, they smell ing terrible.'

Tom:Tom's cocktail is called a 'tommytini' — just vodka and a bunch of cinnamon

Ben · Tom:Ben orders a Miller Lite — Tom: 'Everybody knows. That's your drink.'

Tom · Ann · Ben:Everyone at the Snakehole knew Ann kissed Chris post-breakup — 'We were all seriously confused about that. Who's we? What are you...? Oh, God.'

Tom · Ben · April:Tom sprays Dennis Feinstein with Tommy Fresh through his car window as revenge

Ben · Leslie · Tom · Ron · Ann · Chris:The entire office erupts in disbelief and joy at seeing Li'l Sebastian while Ben watches, confused.

Tom:'He's not a pony, man. He's a mini horse. There's a big difference.'

Tom · Ben:'Man, you are just knocking these off. You're like a ninja crossed with a Jedi, or something. You're like a nerd mixed with a dork or something.'

Ben · Tom:'Tom, Star Wars is not that nerdy.' / 'No, Star Wars is not that nerdy. It's not, everyone's seen it.'

Tom:'Eagle-eyed tiger! New band name, I call it!'

Tom:Tom to Joan: 'Thank you, Joan. Li'l Sebastian isn't bad either.'

Tom · Joan Callamezzo:Tom to Joan: 'This Harvest Festival, it's gonna knock your socks off. And when it does, I'm gonna be there to give you a foot massage... to completion.' / 'Good lord.'

Tom:Tom talking-head: 'Most people look at Li'l Sebastian and they see a famous mini horse. I see an advertising opportunity for my club. The Snakehole Lounge.'

Tom · Jerry:Tom: 'Somebody left the gate open and he got out, Jerry!' / 'What are you talking about?' / 'Unbelievable. Another in a long string of miserable failures. You lost Li'l Sebastian!' / 'I wasn't even here!' / 'Exactly.'

Tom:Tom suggests Li'l Sebastian escaped because 'he tried to share his true feelings with someone and they didn't reciprocate.'

Tom · Jerry:Jerry: 'Yeah, Jerry. He's right here in my pocket.' — Tom's sarcastic response to Jerry asking if they found Li'l Sebastian.

Tom · Ron:Tom's solution to the ground search failing: 'We need a bird's eye view.' / Immediately cuts to Ron apparently being asked to climb the Ferris wheel.

Joan Callamezzo · Tom · Ben:Joan: 'You were in charge of watching a tiny horse, and you failed.' Tom: 'Look, I'm only gonna say this once. What if Li'l Sebastian is on this Ferris wheel?' / 'How about you only say that never.'

Tom · Jerry:'Aw, Jerry just farted!' / 'I'm very upset, I get nervous.'

Tom:Tom tells Ben 'You are a huge nerd' as a form of compliment/farewell.

Tom · Ben:Tom asks Ben if he's going on 'a year-long walking tour of the set of The Lord of the Rings in New Zealand.' Ben: 'I wasn't a fan of Peter Jackson's interpretation. So you can put that one away.'

Tom:Tom on being best man: 'It's a baller position. You get drunk. You make speeches. And you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid, usually standing from behind.'

Tom:Tom's impromptu bachelor party: 'Excuse me! Are there any strippers here? Former strippers? Non-dancers but you're feeling a little bit drunk?'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Tom brings in Jean-Ralphio as a best man speech 'expert.' Jean-Ralphio's advice: 'Start with a joke. Joke, Vince Vaughn quote — obviously. Swingers? Crashers? Fred Claus. Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends. Quote from Love Actually. Hold back your tears. Pause. Drop the microphone. Get out of that bitch.'

Tom · Grandma:An old woman gives a heartfelt toast. Tom: 'How can anyone ever possibly top that?'

Andy · Tom:Tom's best man speech: 'I just want to thank my family, my friends, most importantly, my best best man, Mr. Tom Haverford. Oh! Coolest guy I know.'

Andy · Tom:Andy to Tom during the speech: 'And, ladies, he's single, I think. You're not still married, are you?' Tom: 'No.' Andy: 'But you... you're straight?' Tom: 'Yes.' Andy: 'Jean-Ralphio's just a friend?' Tom: 'Yeah.'

Tom · Ben:Tom assumes Ben's roommate question is about a hot woman, and when Ben clarifies it's himself looking, Tom protests: 'Oh, come on, that's not fair. You shouldn't have led me to believe it was a beautiful woman.'

Tom · Ben:Tom describes his seduction ritual in detail: couch, hand clap, lights dim, Boyz II Men fades in — while Ben tries to cut him off at every step

Tom:Tom's talking-head: 'The biggest challenge to picking the perfect roommate is finding someone who's willing to pay more than their share of rent without knowing it. I think we found that in Ben.'

Jerry · Leslie · Ben · Tom:Jerry reveals the Greek myth centaur painting, and it's clearly a nude portrait of Leslie attached to a horse

Tom:Tom's outrage: 'What the hell, Jerry? Look at my potbelly. I look like a pregnant baby! And why am I so scared?'

Tom · Stranger:The stranger who walks up to the painting: 'What's going on over here?' / Tom: 'Baby rolls?'

Tom:Tom's talking-head: 'In one brushstroke, Jerry has killed the Jay-Z vibe that's taken me years to cultivate and replaced it with a fat, brown, baby vibe, which is not as cool of a vibe.'

Tom · Brandi:Tom introduces himself to Brandi and claims to agree that 'people should be allowed to have sex in public places'

Tom · Brandi:Brandi calls Tom 'the fat baby' from the painting; Tom protests: 'Aww... that's so cute.' / Brandi: 'Oh, you're into that?' / Tom: 'No!'

Tom:Tom insists for the record that he looks like Taye Diggs and is 'a small, slender man — similar to actor Taye Diggs'

Tom · Leslie · Jerry:'Is your penis between the front arms or the back legs?' / 'Yeah, where's your penis?' / 'Damn it, Jerry!'

Tom:Tom compliments the repainted centaur: 'You look like Enrique Iglesias.' to Jerry, then immediately adds 'Just wish I had more time.'

Leslie · Tom · Jerry:Leslie looks at the revised painting and says: 'This is amazing. It looks like me, and I look awesome.' Then: 'Is your penis between the front arms or the back legs?' / 'Yeah, where's your penis?' / 'Damn it, Jerry!'

Tom:Tom defends Eagleton disdain: 'And that's coming from someone who has a Mercedes... with a Harman Kardon Logic 7 surround-sound system.'

Tom:Tom: 'I would never set foot over there. But it's the only place I can get my bumble and bumble hair care products, so I'm there every eight days.'

Tom:Tom ordering inflatable saxophones ('about 40 dozen') and 'neon gangster fedora hats' for Ron's party on the phone

Ron · Tom:Ron catches Tom on the phone and Tom claims 'It was personal. I would never make a work-related call. You know that.'

Tom:Tom introduces himself at the Eagleton forum as 'Thomas Montgomery Haverford'

Lindsay · Tom:Lindsay mocks Tom's outfit: 'What, did you just come from the stables? Yes. I was just at the stables.' — Tom had literally just been at the stables

Tom:Tom to Lindsay: 'I would like you to get off your high horse, Lindsay... pun intended.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom asks to try the andouille sausage at the Eagleton forum; Leslie insists 'Tom, let's go'; Tom responds 'What? No. It's gross. I don't like it. It's disgusting.'

Tom:Tom reacts to the Eagleton public forum gift bag: 'Did you guys get your public forum gift bag? There's an iPod touch in here.'

Tom · Ben:Eagleton gift bags at the public forum contain an iPod touch, verbena-scented soy candles

Tom:Tom's 'confrontation' of Lindsay: 'You take your fancy dog, get in your Escalade... and if you have any job openings, maybe you should let me know about 'em... Take this resume and shove it into your human resources slot.'

Tom:Tom's 'speech' to Lindsay reveals he just wants a job: 'Take this resume and shove it into your human resources slot. Oh yeah! Shove it there!'

Ron · Tom · April · Andy · Jerry:Ron announces he's everyone's boss and the group laughs it off: 'That's a good one, Ron.'

Tom:Tom's game show origin: 'My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing, with Nick Cannon, which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.'

Tom:Tom: 'Are you going to shove it up your butt? No. I'm gonna test it out on you four bing-bongs...'

Tom:Tom's list of networks: 'Spike, G4, GSN, Fuse, WOW, Boom, Zip, Kablam, Slurp, Slurp Latin, Slurp HD'

Tom:Tom's Know Ya Boo intro: performing without the instrumental track, noting 'it's gonna say boo right there'

Tom:Tom introduces 'Bobby the Boo' — his CGI puppy co-host

Tom:Tom introduces his CGI puppy co-host Bobby the Boo, who clearly doesn't exist — the office workers are just staring at nothing.

Tom:Tom: 'Somebody don't know their boo! That's the sound bite that's gonna play when a fight breaks out.'

Tom · April · Andy:Tom asks where each couple's 'favorite place to smush' is; April's answer is 'In our bed, I guess'

Tom · Jerry · Donna:Donna's answer: 'Back of my Benz?' and Jerry correctly guesses 'Her Mercedes.' Tom: 'Jerry and Donna on fire.'

Tom:Tom, watching the fight escalate: 'Damn! This game's got juice.'

April · Tom:April tells Tom: 'Your stupid Know Your Boo game made me and Andy get in a big fight. He just sold his guitar, and he's, like, quitting music now.'

Tom · Andy · April:Tom's rigged lightning round: makes up questions designed to reconcile Andy and April, including the mac and cheese question

April · Tom:April figures out Tom rigged the game: 'You set this whole thing up so I would be un-mad at you.' Tom: 'You figured out April's trying to trick you. That's worth 100 points.'

Tom:I did recently sell my Chronicles of Riddick DVD on eBay for $10. Used the profits to buy the Blu-ray.

Tom:I hate the fourth floor! Last time I was up there, I saw someone buy crystal meth out of a vending machine. It's a bad place.

Tom:Small claims court, divorce filings, state-ordered drug tests. It's somehow both freezing and humid. There's a whole room on the fourth floor where they store the knives they've confiscated from people who went to the fourth floor to stab someone.

Tom:Ethel, this shirt is from Theory. Name tags make holes. I'm not wearing this.

Tom · Andy:Remind me next time to ask her where she was when Lincoln got shot. 'Remind... Tom... Ask... Something.'

Tom · Unknown Office Worker:This Mort Jansen's office? Nope. [beat] Tell Mort I said 'Your move.'

Tom:Time to get those old ladies to do my work for me. How? By shining down on them with the Haverford charm ray. (IMITATING RAY GUN)

Tom · Ethel:Julianne Moore just called. She wants her hair back. Nobody named Julien called.

Tom:Will you please invite me to your 30th birthday party?

Tom · Ethel:Hey, sorry to interrupt the love fest, but can you hand me that folder there, please, Ethel? [Ethel throws the folder at/near Tom] Why you gotta be like that, Ethel? Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the crib.

Tom:Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the crib.

Ethel · Muriel · Tom:(BOTH LAUGHING LOUDLY) Stop it! I gotta say, I'm a genius.

Tom:I don't want lemonade. It's too sweet and it makes my tongue feel gritty. So maybe it's time for a change. Starting now, when life gives me lemons, I'm gonna slice them up into wedges and throw them into vodka tonics, which I will then sip in a burlesque nightclub that I co-own with actor Taye Diggs and two of the Pussycat Dolls.

Tom:Tom pitches a game show where contestants flip a coin to determine who performs vs. receives open-heart surgery, calling it 'Open-Heart Surgery'

Tom:Tom: 'Do you want to get run over? Because I know a guy. Super gentle. Minor scrapes and bruises, major dollars and cents.'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Tom and Jean-Ralphio count down to say their shared thought simultaneously — Jean-Ralphio says 'spectacles' while Tom says '...spectacles' a beat late

Jean-Ralphio · Tom:Jean-Ralphio names his company 'Entertainment 7Twenty' because 'you're willing to go around the world twice for your clients' — 2 × 360 = 720

Jean-Ralphio · Tom:Jean-Ralphio tells Tom he needs him on his team and 'can't do this without you' — then immediately says 'Okay, I'll do it without you' when Tom hesitates for two seconds

Tom:Tom announces Jean-Ralphio will put on the memorial 'pro bono, just for the pub.' He then explains: 'Pub is an abbreviation for publicity.'

Tom:Tom: 'First off, double-coupon night is an incredible value.'

Leslie · Ron · Tom:Leslie tells Tom 'Make us proud.' Then Ron says quietly to Tom 'Make him proud.' Camera reveals Leslie has already walked away — Ron is indicating a framed photo of Li'l Sebastian

Tom:Tom asks about removing something from a photo: 'Why don't you just Photoshop that out?' (implying someone photobombed or something is wrong with a memorial image)

Tom · Jerry:Tom presents ribbons for the memorial — 'Which one floats your penis?' — all of which appear identical black ribbons. Jerry points this out. Tom lectures about the subtle distinctions: 'Obsidian, onyx, midnight, lost soul, rolling blackout, sleeping panther, and void by Armani.'

Tom · Jerry:Tom holds up one of the ribbons and asks Jerry: 'Hey, Jerry, does this look black to you, too?' — implying he is asking if Jerry can even perceive the difference

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Tom pitching the company to Jean-Ralphio while the memorial video plays: 'I'm the bank. You're the money.' Jean-Ralphio: 'I'm Thelma, you're Louise. You can't die full of regret.' Tom: 'Why don't you live your life like that cow from the video?' Jean-Ralphio: 'He was a horse.'

Jerry · Tom · Leslie:Jerry puts lighter fluid instead of propane in the eternal flame, causing a massive fireball that burns off Ron's eyebrows. Tom and Leslie, terrified, immediately say: 'We planned that! Wow, wow!' / 'We planned that. Yay!'

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Detlef Schrempf:Tom points out the company has a lot of overhead and suggests 'scaling back a bit and focusing on building your client base.' Jean-Ralphio: 'Thanks a lot, Forbes magazine. But we didn't hire you to give us business advice. We hired you to look pretty and shoot baskets. So why don't you head over there and do your thing? We want people to see you when they come in, Detlef.'

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Detlef Schrempf:Jean-Ralphio: 'First you set up the pond, then you reel in the fish. Big D, hit me!' — Detlef Schrempf passes him a basketball; Jean-Ralphio and Tom catch the ball, celebrate, yell 'We're living the dream.'

Tom:Tom's elaborate DJ introduction of himself: 'D.J. Bluntz is in the building. Here to announce that Tom Haverford is in the building.'

Tom · Donna:The 'Treat Yourself' montage: Tom and Donna chanting 'Treat Yourself' at increasingly extravagant items — clothes, fragrances, massages, mimosas, fine leather goods.

Tom:Tom: 'He's like a skinny, little rubber band that's about to snap in half.'

Tom:Tom: 'My Nubian princess, this is our holy day. It's the one day a year I allow myself to be selfish.'

Tom · Jerry:Tom mid-speech about not being selfish grabs all the cupcakes: 'Ooh! Cupcakes. Those are all for me, Jerry.'

Tom:'No arguing. And no soup in the Benz. Get in.'

Tom · Ben:Tom trying to distract Ben during acupuncture: 'Accounting, trigonometry, stamps, probably.' Ben: 'I'm more of a rare coins guy. Help me. Help me.'

Tom:Tom describing Eagleton Plaza: 'If you tell your friend, "Hey, meet me at Burberrys," they got to specify which one. There are three Burberrys.'

Tom:Tom describing his shopping haul: 'Velvet slippies, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. I'm a cashmere-velvet candy cane. Treat Yourself.'

Tom · Ben · Donna:Man, did you buy anything for yourself today? Yeah, I got this pack of socks. Plain white socks? Yeah. That's not a treat.

Ben · Tom · Donna:Donna and Tom ask Ben what he'd blow money on. After a pause: Ben is looking at a superhero costume.

Tom:Wyatt, if you could blow big money on one thing, not sock money, what would it be?

Tom:Tom: 'Oh. my God! Oh. my God! Oh. my God! This is a whole new level of nerd.'

Tom · Ben:Tom insists Ben buy the costume and wear it out of the store: 'You're going to Treat Yourself.'

Ben · Tom · Ann:Final tag: Parks department internet goes down. Tom, Ann etc. call Ben back in. Ben walks in, fixes it by unplugging and replugging the router. Then: 'Well, give it a minute. God.' [router takes a minute to work]

Leslie · Tom:'I hate talking about myself.' / 'Get over it. I talk about myself constantly. Everyone loves me for it.' / 'I really am amazing.'

Leslie · Tom:The opposition research dossier includes 'prescription medications'

Leslie · Tom:Tom claims to know Martin Kernston's advisors; Leslie reveals she made up both names on the spot

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio calling Tom in tears (inferred from 'Jean-Ralphio, stop crying')

Leslie · Tom:Tom's party decorations for Leslie's meet-and-greet look like an Entertainment 720 promotional event, with Tom's face on rugs

Tom:'It's always been a dream of mine to be a rug, and it's finally happened.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom says the Harvest Festival 'launched Entertainment 720'; Leslie says 'No one says that'; Tom: 'I just said it.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie confronting Tom after he monopolized Kernston: 'Why don't you go over to one of your rugs and sit on your own face?'

Leslie · Tom:'You stole the Nipple King. Thanks a lot, traitor.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom hijacking Leslie's speech to promote Entertainment 720

Leslie · Tom:Leslie to Tom after the promotional video: 'You're lucky that Martin Kernston is here, 'cause you're gonna need another nipple. Why?'

Tom:The fake Mark Zuckerberg character in Tom's promotional video: 'I can't reveal my identity because of various corporate enemies... I invented Facebook.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie: 'I know that video seemed like the rantings of a lunatic pretending to be Mark Zuckerberg.' / Tom: 'That's who that was?' / Leslie: 'No.'

Tom:The E 720 Mailing List Divas performance: dancers asking business owners to write down their direct contact info for whoever handles hiring

Tom:Tom announces an 'E 720 Mobile Hot Tub' parked outside

Leslie · Tom:Leslie finding Tom hiding in the mobile hot tub: 'Get out of there right now... or we are no longer friends. I'm not getting out. Fine. Then I'm getting in.'

Leslie · Tom:'Well, maybe we should get out of this hot tub.' / 'I'm too sad to get out, and I'm all pruney.'

Tom:Tom explaining Entertainment 720's bankruptcy: 'They say you've got to spend money to make money. Well, I don't know where we went wrong. We spent all of our money.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie suggesting 'comfort food' and Tom asking for 'albacore tuna with crispy onions' as comfort food

Leslie · Tom:Leslie pointing out that Tom turned people away for the first two weeks by claiming to be booked: 'Kind of seems like regular sight should have caught that one.'

Tom:Tom's video biography of Leslie opening: 'The year was 1975. It was a time of trouble. Watergate. Well, I'm not a crook. Vietnam. Peter Gabriel leaves Genesis.'

Tom:Tom's description of himself in Leslie's video: 'Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting, good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful, tiny little person.'

Tom:Tom's video invoking Li'l Sebastian: 'And if Li'l Sebastian were still alive, he'd surely vote for her.'

Jean-Ralphio · Tom:Entertainment 720 is eulogized alongside Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves

Tom:'My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:'A party for the end of the world.' / 'You had me at every dime we have left.'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Entertainment 720's party has a VIP area, double VIP, triple VIP, Centurion Club Elite VIP — 'No one is allowed in there. Not even us.'

Tom:The bouncer Keith — 'He actually once tossed me out of a club three years ago. Water under the bridge.'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:'No one shows up to a good party on time. If anyone had actually shown up right now, the whole party would have been ruined.'

Tom:Tom's talking-head: 'The perfect party, it's an elusive idea... people have to be completely entertained from the moment they walk in until the moment they leave. It's a grand experiment, and I am a party scientist. Welcome to my laboratory.'

Tom:Tom brings out a surprise drumline at the party

Tom:Tom calls for the drumline at the party: 'I think we've got to take things to the next level. Drumline, hit it.' [Drumline plays]

Tom:Tom's party talking head: 'Drumlines, personalized gift bags, tigers. This is the best party I've ever been to, and I'm not just saying that.'

Tom:Tom's jargon-heavy self-promotion: 'E720 going under was a blessing. I'm tearing it up all over town like a boss.'

Tom · Ron · Courtney:Job interview: Courtney reveals he was fired in 1968 for making a pass at 'an ethnic woman,' has been hitchhiking since, went to Mexico, 'met a lot of ethnic girls,' went to jail, 'and that about brings it up to date.'

Tom:Tom's talking head: 'In my four years here, I revolutionized the position of administrator and made this place cool. I was the first person to abbreviate Parks and Recreation Department. First it was Parks and Recreation. Then Parks and Rec. Then P&R. Then lengthened it just a little bit to... Tommy's place.'

Tom · Ron · Gary (interviewee):Job interview: Gary from Gary, Indiana. 'My name's Gary, and I'm from Gary, Indiana. Amazing. People like hearing that. It's probably one of my stronger anecdotes.'

Tom:Tom: 'A fact is not an anecdote, Gary. Here's an anecdote... Today I met the most boring man in the world. His name was Gary.'

Tom · Ron · Keith:Keith's job application: Under sex, wrote 'Yes. Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha.'

Tom · Keith:Tom: 'Let me give you a situation. You're hosting a town hall meeting for local businesses.' Keith: 'Uh... That's so much stuff.' Tom: 'You just, uh... kept on going.' Keith: 'That was like one thing.' Tom: 'I didn't even get to the situation yet.'

Tom:Tom: 'I'm like a shark. I don't swim backwards.' (Dramatic exit; then immediately returns to ask for his job back.)

Tom:Tom's denial: 'What? Macy's? That wasn't me. There's a Macy's in town? Where's the Macy's in town? I heard they have an amazing cologne sample guy.'

Tom:Tom's response to Ron's begging: 'Ron, this is embarrassing. Even for you.' Then walks out.

Tom:Tom's response to Ron's public begging: 'Ron, this is embarrassing. Even for you.'

Tom:Tom's scheme: He immediately tells Ron he plans to come back in a few days and have Ron beg again — then gets grabbed mid-sentence and pulled back.

Tom · Ron:Tom asks for his job back with complete simplicity: 'Ron... May I have my job back, please?' Ron: 'Thank you. I will see you all Monday.'

Tom:Tom's re-entrance: 'Tick-tock, it's Tommy time!'

Leslie · Tom · Jerry:Tom asks if Leslie just wants him to choose a new font, and Leslie confirms: 'Yes, essentially, I'd like you to choose a new font.' Then immediately makes Jerry 'number two guy on the new font project.'

Tom:Tom on fonts: 'Okay. Now, see, I think that Comic Sans always screams fun. Right? But, man, those R's in Helvetica, they're just, you know like, really popping for me.'

Tom:Tom escalates the font project into a full department makeover: 'New uniforms, new signage, new color scheme. A whole new, sexy vibe.'

Tom:Tom's confessional: 'Yes. Technically, my new job is my old job. But I'm not some boring Jerry Gergich-type guy. I'm more of a Steve Harvey. I dream big, I shake things up, and I always wear dope suits.'

Tom:Tom's rebranding pitch presents the 'new community center' that 'looks like an Apple Store.' Tom: 'Today I'm a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. And the Parks Department is a wrinkly old housewife in her early 30s. I'm about to work a miracle.'

Tom:Tom's 'Ranger Reality Show' pitch: shows current park rangers and says 'What are they up to? No one cares. They're boring and I hate them. But coming this spring to the Style Network, Ranger Reality Show.'

Jerry · Tom:Jerry comforts Tom with a 'triple-decker ham-and-cheese from the cafeteria. Always makes me feel better.' Tom: 'Two pathetic guys, eating pathetic sandwiches. Sounds terrific.'

Tom:Jerry describes his life as a cautionary tale: 'I guess I'm Jerry now. After work, I'll just go home, straight to my boring house, kiss my wife, and have a home-cooked meal with my three beautiful daughters. What a miserable life.'

Jerry · Tom:Jerry reveals his original ID card from his first day on the job: 'Heck, I still use my original ID card from my first day on the job.' [Shows it to Tom; Tom has a stunned reaction and runs off.]

Tom · Chris:Tom's vintage logo pitch: Using the old 1970s logo as a limited edition on hats, posters, and T-shirts. Chris: 'It is possibly the best idea anyone has had in this government in 100 years.'

Tom:Tom credits Jerry as 'my number four' for the vintage logo idea: 'He shared some words of wisdom with me today. And while he was yammering on about whatever, I happened to see his old ID card.'

Tom:Personalized leopard-print robe with 'You Can Get It' in rhinestones for Tom

Ron · Ben · Ann · Tom · Andy · April · Donna:The reaction shot to whatever large gift Leslie installed for Ron — characters are moved to tears by something the audience doesn't see yet

Tom · Ann:Tom's word cloud showing Leslie's most-used words — 'Ben' appears, but much larger: 'Ann'

Ron · Tom · April · Ann:Ron proposes a scale wood model of the office; immediately gets steamrolled into a gingerbread version and takes credit for it

Andy · Tom:'Rock n' roll candy Andy.' — The candy version of Andy in the gingerbread office

Tom:Tom's extended internal monologue about what kind of chocolate he is

Tom:'I didn't have time to make it into anything, and please don't eat it 'cause it cost $55 an ounce.'

Ben · Andy · Tom:Ben spray-painted M&Ms silver — 'Okay, those are poisonous, so no one eat them.' / 'Yeah, duh.' / 'Go throw up.' / 'I didn't eat any.' / 'Go throw up.'

Tom:Tom Haverford: 'image consultant, swagger coach'

Tom · Ron:[whines] MY FINGER WAS IN THERE. RON CRUSHED MY FINGER. I THINK IT MIGHT BE BROKEN. / ARE YOU A FEMALE BIRD? / IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

Leslie · Tom:Leslie builds up to describing the ideal man for Ann, says 'all you need to do is ask' — but never actually says the word, instead listing more qualities. Tom finally explodes: 'Just tell us the damn word.' Leslie: 'Effervescent.'

Chris · Tom:Chris concludes his dramatic heartbreak speech with 'I may never smile again.' Tom immediately pivots: 'Cool. So I found a DJ for the dance and his name is D.J. Bluntz.'

Tom · Chris · Jerry:Tom tries to cheer up Chris about his breakup: 'There's some attractive women here. Why don't you rebound?' Chris: 'Nobody here compares to Millicent.' Beat. 'Except maybe Jerry.' Tom: 'Technically, they share 50% of the same DNA.' Chris stares at Jerry longingly.

Tom · Chris · Jerry:Tom tells Chris to stop staring at Jerry. The visual of Chris staring at Jerry with romantic intensity while Jerry is presumably oblivious.

Harris · Tom · Leslie · Ann:Harris, the first wildcard bachelor, introduces himself to Ann: 'I'm Harris. I heard you were desperate for a man piece. We in business?' Tom then whispers to Leslie: 'He's 33 years old, still lives with his parents, and he's been to at least 200 Phish concerts.' Harris: 'Try 308.'

Tom · Bill · Ann:Ann passes on Harris. Tom introduces Bill: 'This stunning woman saves lives for a living. What do you bring to the table?' Bill: 'Where to begin? I'm an amateur juggler.' Tom immediately: 'Nope, you shouldn't have begun there. Get out. No one's trying to get with jugglers. Thanks for playing.'

Tom · Chris:Tom tries to cheer up Chris by noting Millicent couldn't keep up with him on runs, so now he can 'go full speed again.' Chris: 'On the contrary, she was faster than I was. I set many personal bests just trying to keep up with her.' Tom: 'Which is what I'm worried about.'

Tom · Chris:Tom tells Chris: 'You don't think that Millicent was your soul mate?' Tom: 'There are a lot of soul mates in the world. I mean, look at Ann. You dated her, and she's a perfect human specimen. And you tossed her out like day-old chowder.'

Leslie · Ben · Ann · Tom · April:Leslie and Ben burst in to confront Ann and Chris on their secret date — only to find Ann and Tom on a date. Leslie: 'What?' Long pause as this registers. Then: 'April. Tom and Ann are on a date.' April: 'I know.' Leslie: 'What do you mean you know?'

Tom · Ann:Tom and Ann on their date. Tom says 'So, Ann. It's finally happening.' Ann looks uncomfortable. Tom: 'Dude, this is so close to falling apart.' Ann: 'Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Can I be honest? I'm a little freaked out. Like, I don't really understand what's going on.'

Tom · Ann:Tom pitches his version of the evening to Ann: '...we grab drinks here, get to know each other, whatever. Then, we go back to my place and snuggle up like little bunnies.' Ann: 'Yeah, this was a mistake.' Tom: 'No!'

Tom · Ann:Tom's list of nicknames for Ann: 'Boo Boo Bear, Cookie Tush, Winnie the Boo, Lady Presh Presh, Annberry Sauce, Annie Get Your Boo, Tommy's Girl, Annie Banannie'

Tom · Ann:Tom attempts some kind of romantic physical move on Ann in the office; Ann shuts it down: 'Is this not one of those? I might have misread the vibe.'

Tom · Ann:Tom: 'Can I at least change my Facebook status to "in a relationship"?' / Ann: 'Definitely not.' / Tom: '"It's complicated"?' / Ann: 'Whatever.' / Tom: 'Am I in a relationship?' / [scene cut] / Tom talking head: 'It's complicated.'

Tom:Tom announces a flesh-eating virus is 'going around' for dramatic effect, then reveals: 'Yeah. It's called music. And there's only one way to get a vaccine. And that is to play it.'

Tom · Jerry · Ann:Jerry is eating during a meeting. Tom: 'Jerry, if you're eating, you're not listening.' Jerry: 'Thanks, babe.'

Tom:Tom: 'It's kind of like We Are the World, except I actually think it could have a real impact on society.'

Tom:Tom explains he was originally in charge of hot dogs at the barbecue fundraiser: 'I dropped them all. All of them. Like, 1,000.'

Tom · Ron:Tom mentions DoubleTime Studio on 'Liondale Road'; Ron immediately asks 'You know the one?' / Tom: 'No.' — Ron pretending not to know the studio where he secretly records

Tom · Chris:Tom adds: 'You could not keep it together in there.' / Chris's response: 'I know. I'm sorry. But I'm fine now. As long as we can get out of here as quickly as possible and never come back.'

Tom · Recording engineer:Tom to the recording engineer: 'Yo, Chuck. We're going to go ahead and play and sing at the same time.' / 'I want this to have the electricity of a live concert. So, we have to play it perfectly every time?' / Tom: 'No, Burly. Play it unperfectly.' / 'You mean, imperfectly?' / Tom: 'I mean perfectly.' / 'God, that was hot nonsense.'

Tom · Ann · Chris:Ann and Chris share a water bottle; Tom walks in and starts 'That's sweet. The two of you sharing a nice bottle of...' then realizes they told people about their date

Tom:Tom: 'As soon as I possibly could. I texted them while we were on the date.'

Tom:Tom: 'I'm sorry. But you are too hot to hide, Ann. This is on you.'

Tom:Tom says April's audition singing was 'hilarious-ly awful-ly funny how bad that was' while trying to avoid saying it was just bad

Tom:Tom tells April to 'take 15 minutes and really think about whether or not you want to be part of this' — then immediately says: 'He's a gorgeous genius, people. Just don't question his methods.'

Chris · Tom:Chris to Tom: 'Tom, am I to understand correctly that you are now romantically involved with Ann Perkins?' / Tom: 'Oh, are you about to give me the whole, "She's a great girl and you need to treat her right" speech? Since you guys used to date?' / Chris: 'No. But she is, and you should.'

Tom:'Okay. Great talk.' — Tom's dismissal of Chris after Chris's emotional confession

Tom:Tom explains why he didn't wait in the rain with Ann: 'It was raining out, so I didn't want to get wet.'

Tom:Tom talking head: 'Mine's really just a cup of honey because tea is gross.'

Tom · April:April lets out a wild vocalization and Tom says 'I was thinking, like, a crazy rock star vibe. See where her head's at? Follow her lead.'

Tom:Tom talking head: 'Ann's mad at me now but I have a few tricks up my sleeve. I don't want to brag, but I have a ton of experience with women being mad at me.'

Tom:Tom (talking head): 'I think you sound like an angel and everyone else sounds like demons. I think you shouldn't whisper.' (Apparently directed at Ann)

Tom:Tom's song 'Catch Your Dream' plays in the background; Tom bursts in: 'Stop the song! Stop the song right now. Please, stop it!' followed by a bleeped expletive from someone offscreen

Tom · Ann:Ann confrontation: 'Ann, I caught feelings for you. And I want you to be my girl. And I don't care who knows.' / Ann: 'I know you don't care, dummy. I care.'

Tom · Ann:Tom tells Ann: 'Let's not get hung up on who wants what.' / Ann: 'You know what? I'm calling this. We're done.' / Tom: 'What about our next date?'

Tom · Ann:Ann: 'If you want another date, keep walking away.' Tom watches: 'She's still walking.'

Tom:Nature is 'throwing Tom a bone': Tom is standing in the rain as Ann exits, invoking 'Haverford Playbook move number two. Ladies love a guy waiting for them in the rain.'

Ron · Tom:Ron to Tom about the song: 'Leslie is going to love it. I promise.' / Tom: 'No offense, Ron, but what do you know about music?' / Ron GRUNTS

Tom:Tom reveals he was waiting in the rain as a strategy but got sick: 'I was waiting outside in the rain for you. Because I thought you would come out and be like, "Oh, he's all wet. That's so romantic." But you didn't. And now I've got the sniffles.'

Ann · Tom:Ann: 'Why do you have to be so you all the time?' / Tom: 'I'm sorry. Will you help me get out of these wet clothes?'

Tom:Tom announces a new song: 'The Promise of Tomorrow's Wings. It's brilliant, about a billion times better than Catch Your Dreams, which I realize now sucks ass.'

Ron · Tom · others:Ron plays saxophone secretly in the studio; the group hears it playing on the existing recording: 'Where is that saxophone coming from? / I don't know. / I don't know the first thing about music.'

Tom:Tom's final apology to Ann turns into a song: 'Baby, I'm sorry for how I acted / But if you give me another chance / I could be the boo of your dreams, girl / So when you're sleeping and you're dreaming of a boo / I want that boo to be me / I want me to be that boo / So will you date me? I'm saying...'

Tom · Ann:Ann agrees to go out with Tom: 'Dude, you wore me down. Just stop singing. Please.' / Tom: 'The four sweetest words in the English language. "You wore me down."'

Tom · Ann:Nobody owns me, cupcake, not even you. You can either burn these hats in a fire, or you can use a blowtorch.

Tom · Ann:How about this option? We put the hats on-- / Don't say it. / We take everything else off.

Tom:These Kangol hats are exactly like the one Samuel L. Jackson wore to the Latin Grammys. How could she not like them?

Leslie · Ben · Tom:64 divided by 4 is-- / 16. / 64. / So we're gonna throw him a Sweet 16 surprise party.

Leslie · April · Tom · Ben:Four years from now, who knows? He might be retired... Or dead. / Let's start a pool. Who wants retired? Who wants dead? / Dead. / No.

Donna · Leslie · Ben · Tom · Chris · April:Ginuwine's my cousin. / Ginuwine? / The Ginuwine is your cousin? / How do I not know this? / Who's Ginuwine? / Ginuwine?

Tom:Ginuwine is Ginuwine. He's Ginuwine.

Tom:Not loving '90s R&B music is number three on the 'oh-no-nos' list.

Tom:Girl doesn't even know who Ginuwine is.

Tom · Ann:Let's talk minimum acceptable thread count for sheets. Stop me when I hit it. 1,000... 800... 700... 600? Ann, I'm at 600. Are you really not stopping me?

Tom · Ben:It's always the most beautiful ladies who hurt you the worst. / She's never seen a single Paul Walker movie? That's a huge 'oh-no-no.' She also 'doesn't care' about Blu-ray? She's a monster.

Tom:I own more pairs of Uggs than she does.

Ann · Tom:You told April you were breaking up with me? / Ann, we consistently disagree on 'who wore it best.' You still use an iPad one. You read books all the time.

Tom:Everything you just said makes me like me more.

Tom · Ann · April:Fine with me. / Fine, fine. / Oh, April. / I'm drunk. You made me drunk, you made me drunk, and you--

Tom · April:Yeah, when we were carrying you to bed, you correctly pointed out that we were arguing about stuff that was stupid. / I'm drunk. Don't listen to me, no.

Tom:Jerry, today is your birthday, but it's about much more than that. It's also about Ann and I getting back together and being the hottest couple in Pawnee. I'd also like to announce our official relationship mash-up name. It's 'Tan.' To Tan.

Ben · Tom · Ann:Guys... guys... What do I do? I mean, she's asleep. / You probably should just sit there and not move. She's really tired. Just a few hours.

Tom:Tom: 'I still had eight hours rental time on that hot-tub limousine I got for your campaign event, and it's on its way.'

Tom:Tom is 'bouncing business ideas off Russell Simmons on Twitter' during the staff meeting

Tom:Tom non-sequitur: 'What about a cologne that can kill spiders?'

Tom:'The Beer-yonce Knowles. It's just a regular beer, but we put it in a sexy-ass mug. Pairs nicely with the Jay-Zima.'

Tom:Tom refusing to touch animals: 'Don't want none of that animal dander interacting with this cashmere.'

Tom:Tom's pep talk pivot: 'That's why it's stupid to work hard.' — followed by the photo of a little girl with a puppy

Tom · April:Tom shows April a photo that makes her gasp — 'What? What is that photo?' / 'That must come pre-loaded in there or something.'

Tom · April:Tom shows April a photo on his phone and it reveals he has a photo of himself with a puppy pre-loaded (or taken earlier): 'What is that photo? That must come pre-loaded in there or something.'

Tom:I guess she's just afraid of how powerful her feelings are.

Ann · Tom:What the hell is wrong with you? / Oh, I don't know. Maybe the fact that we just broke up, and you're already riding the Traeger train.

Tom:Vote for me to be your boyfriend.

Tom:I'm coming for you, girl... Just...Like...You...Want.

Tom:Leslie Knope is scrappy like a terrier. She's smoooooth like a blended whiskey. My girl has big ideas and big feelings, and she's not afraid to express 'em.

Tom:Tom's plan to get the vans back: 'Let me tell you how it's gonna go down. In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our demands, and then, bam! I start crying.'

Tom:Tom actually cries in front of Bill: 'We need the vans, so please, give the vans, please? We need the vans.'

Tom:Tom listing Leslie's barbecue activities: 'the popsicle-eating contest, the slip-and-slide-a-thon, the watermelon carving, the gazpacho-off'

Tom · Ron:Tom: 'Well, Ron, can we at least have corn on the cob?' Ron: [beat] 'No.'

Ron · Tom · ensemble:The pig is named Tom. 'Burn.' — everyone reacts to the coincidence with the human Tom Haverford.

Tom:Tom: 'Ann, I'm hungry and my legs are tired. It feels like I just exercised.'

Jerry · Tom:Jerry: 'Just sit on the ground.' Tom: 'No, Jerry. It's dirty and I'm wearing my summer linens.'

Tom · Ann:Tom and Ann's talking-head reveal: they broke up after day one of moving in together but are faking being together to win a bet

Tom · Ann:Flashback: Tom and Ann drunkenly agreeing to move in together with 'No take-backs when we sober up, though, partner. No take-backs, partner.'

Tom · Ann:Tom has put glitter in the laundry detergent: 'SparkleSuds. Dress Loud.'

Tom · Ann:Tom has put glitter in the butter: 'Disco Dairy. Spread the Party.'

Tom:Tom: 'Well, the target demographic isn't angry, middle-aged nurses.'

Tom · Ann · Donna:Tom to Donna: 'We're good. We're really good. No, just spending a little time with my baby girl.' Ann: 'Ew. Get off me.'

Ann · Tom:Ann and Tom's fake public display of affection: 'Oh, my God. You're so smart. Tom. You're amazing. Kiss me more. Uh-huh.'

Ann · Tom:Ann puts glitter in all of Tom's moisturizers: 'SparkleSkin by Annie. Twinkle, Twinkle, Big Star.' Tom: 'Ann. That is an amazing idea and I will buy it from you. But never do that again.'

Tom:Tom: 'The end of a relationship, and the beginning of a partnership. Let's talk SparkleSkin. Do we know anyone in Product Development over at Sephora?'

Andy · Tom · Chris:Andy after his two-mile run: 'Running is impossible. What are you doing? Tom, now is not the time for criticism.'

Tom:Tom has turned the pace car into a recreation of Han Lue's Nissan from Tokyo Drift — and 'so far, no one has noticed'

Andy · Chris · Tom:Andy's motivation speech: 'I just want to get a good job for me and April. I love April. She's all I care about in the whole world.' Chris: 'Yes! Love and family! What else is there, really? Nothing at all.'

Tom · Leslie · Ann:Tom, while Leslie has a medical crisis: 'Jeez. Do you guys know how to dissolve super glue?'

Chris · Andy · Tom:Chris's medical test results: 'The news is terrible. They found... nothing. Nothing? Nothing. The silent killer.'

Tom · Jamm:Tom says he'll steal the D.D.S. joke — Jamm says 'All right. Cool.' then immediately pivots to 'Hey, so, we're still all good on Leslie's bill, right?' revealing he's been cozying up to Tom for political leverage.

Tom · Leslie:Councilman Jamm changed his vote. He's voting no on fun in the sun. / What? Why? He promised me. / He just said that he changed his mind. Then he told me some veneers could really make my smile pop.

Tom:The bill is dead, the Porpoises are doomed, and democracy is over. My God.

Tom:I can't believe I decided to get a perm. Ann should have never let me do this.

Tom · Leslie:He's just trying to get something in return. This is a bargaining tool. / You know, this is why people hate the government.

Tom · Leslie:Milton? He's, like, 150 years old. / Yeah. He's got grandkids, okay? And kids love to swim. And he'll give us his vote. He's an old person, and I'll talk to him really slowly. He won't even know what he's doing.

Tom:I'm not eating racist salad.

Leslie · Tom:The more we eat, the faster we talk. / Mmm. You can really taste the ignorance.

Tom:Just give him what he wants. Take the easy way out. I always do. It's so easy.

Leslie · Tom:I'm trying to tell everybody that the government is great, and I think it stinks. I hate it. I hate the government. / You don't mean that. / You're right, I don't. I take it back. Why did I say that, Tom? God, you know me so well.

Leslie · Kids · Tom:Everybody in the pool! / Yay, pool! / Yay, democracy! / No, my perm.

Tom:It is also Pawnee's newest and most exclusive cigar club, Tom's Smokehouse.

Tom · Jamm:Man, Jamm's gotta be pretty mad at us. / I ain't scared of him. He's a punk.

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Okay, you guys pretend you're Ron Swanson, and you're trying to decide whether you want to invest in this company. Be super critical. You're short.

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Tom Haverford and Jean-Ralphio Saperstein, Creators of Entertainment 720! ...proudly present... Rent A Swag!

Tom:Parents, are you tired of watching your middle-school-aged children grow out of the nice clothes you buy for them? Then rent them from Rent A Swag. I own it. You rent it. You wear it. You clean it. You return it. I get rich. Wink!

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Where swag is my business / And the business is my friend

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Jean-Ralphio:It's the greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. No. Yes. It's terrible. It's terrible, you guys. I love you, baby. You're so smart.

Tom:Let's just drive back, I feel weird.

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Okay. I'm thinking we junk everything except the mannequins. Ron's got to see how dope the outfits are. That's the business. Why are we going to Ron? Ron should be coming to us. We created Entertainment 720.

Jean-Ralphio · Tom:I hate to say this, but sometimes you've got to work a little, so you can ball a lot. That was beautiful. That changed me.

Jean-Ralphio · Tom:See? You just googled 'Amanda Bynes' side boob.' What's wrong with you? Why is your safe-search on? That is amateur hour, Tom.

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Look, man. I believe in this idea. Do you? You know I love you, but I don't think you're as serious about this business as I am. Oh, yeah, no, I'm definitely not.

Tom · Chris · Ben:Tom greets Tom and Chris: 'Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Looks and Professor Books. He's Looks. I got it.'

Tom:Tom's business pitch: he's going to rent 'upscale clothing to middle school kids, because I discovered I'm roughly the same size as the average Pawnee 12-year-old.'

Andy · Tom:Andy sarcastically accuses Tom: 'How do you spend your time in Miami? Maybe fencing stolen computers?' Tom: 'Yes, I took your government computer from Indiana to Miami to sell it on the black market for 150 bucks.'

Tom:Tom reviewing April's mission statement: 'Gotta say, I'm impressed. Your mission statement made sense, and you didn't use one R. Kelly lyric.'

Tom · Ben:Tom proposes the industrial site: 'You know, I think any of the four previous locations would work, but there's something about this place. It just has a really good energy here, you know? Lots of natural light.' Ben/others: 'It's tiny and awful and loud. And it's zone 14B, industrial waste clean-up site.'

Tom:Tom: 'Come on, guys, this is a great place for a dog park. I mean, look, there's already a dog here.' The 'dog' is a terrifying doll.

Tom:Tom's reaction to Human Farm: 'Wow, this is really, really cool. I like the statement it's making that, you know, we're all in cages in a way.'

Tom · Orin:Orin corrects Tom's interpretation: 'Yeah, it's actually about death and the city.' Tom: 'Yeah. I see that now.'

Tom:Tom pitches to a Sweetums rep: 'I mean, you've already made history as the world's most beautiful CEO.'

Tom · Sweetums Rep:Tom: 'Well, all press is good press.' Rep: 'No, this was bad press.'

Tom · Ben:Tom pitches Ben as a profile subject: 'This is a guy who's learned through an unbelievable series of bonehead business moves.' Ben winces.

Tom:Tom pitches himself to a documentary filmmaker: 'Not to mention in the last month alone, three people have confused me for a shorter, Indian Ryan Gosling.'

Tom · Ben:Tom: 'They have a show about storage unit auctions.' Ben: 'Fair point.'

Ben · Tom:Ben: 'Also can you tell me what time that show about storage units is on?' Tom: '9:30.'

Tom:I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf.

Tom · Others:It's December. It's the time we celebrate our most sacred and special event: ♪ Jerry Dinner / Jerry Dinner ♪

Tom:Every time we laugh at something stupid Jerry does, we put a dollar in this box. At the end of the year, we take all the cash and treat ourselves to a fancy dinner. This year, we have... $516.

Jerry · Tom · Others:Aw, jeez! [beat] And that's 517. [beat] 518.

Tom:It's not mean if he doesn't know about it. It's like talking about people behind their backs. Everybody wins.

Tom · Ann:Ha! That's hilarious. You should do stand-up. [beat] If you're kidding, you suck, but if you're serious, I actually have been thinking about it.

Tom:Hey, April, Matlock called. He wants his cardigan back. Boom! I'm out.

Tom · Donna · April:Mine was the time he slipped on a Cinnabon and landed in a bunch of garbage. / My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue. / My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know.

Tom:And a jacket and one of my socks. Plus, I gotta poop, but I could stop anywhere for that.

Tom · Donna · Tom:Whoa! What is going on at the Gergiches? / Oh, my God! Jerry's having a Christmas party! / I can't believe he didn't invite us. How dare he! What'd we ever do to him?

Tom · Donna · Tom · Donna:It looks warm in there! Warm and happy. / Mm, look at that gingerbread man. / What? I don't see any gingerbread cookies. / I'm talking about that jacked-up, light-skinned dude. Look like Blake Griffin.

Tom:There's a buffet -- in the house! I didn't even know you could do that!

Tom:I need a place to deliver this baby, Ann. It's coming out of me right now. I'm pregnant.

Tom:It's cold outside, and I can't wear mittens 'cause they're unflattering to my hands.

Ann · Donna · Tom · Others · Donna:Oh, Donna. You can come in. / Okay. / What? What about us? / What? Donna! / Merry critches, bitches!

Tom · Donna · Tom · Others:It's Jerry's party. How cool could it be? [beat] Santa! / They have a Santa! / Oh my God. / What?

Tom:I'm going to call a cab. Why does everyone act like Jerry's the victim here? He's the one that didn't invite us to his Christmas party.

Tom:There's three years of nice messages on here. 'Congratulations on your wedding. I'm rooting for you kids. Jerry.' / 'Hope you have the best birthday, Tom.'

Tom:Because it's so cold out here, it reminds me of my wife's lasagna.

Ann · Tom · Ann:Well, well, well. You want to come into Jerry's party? And why is that? / I need a place to deliver this baby, Ann. It's coming out of me right now. I'm pregnant. [pause] / This is a lovely party thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. There's no place for meanies.

Tom · Jerry:Yeah, just -- we took up a collection to pay your hospital bills, since you almost farted yourself to death. Every time we did something mean, we put a dollar in a box. / Wow. I'm the luckiest man on earth.

Tom:Love — love fades away. But things... Things are forever.

Tom:Ooh! A citrus reamer! Oh, this is the only way to ream citrus. You're gonna need two of these.

Tom:Hey, guys. I'm really feeling these sheets — very cozy.

Tom · Leslie Knope:Tom's food pun sequence: 'I'm omelet.' / 'Good-pie.' / 'Gurt. Go-gurt. I'm incredible.'

Tom · Chef:Little coq au vin? Little bouillabaisse? / You can stop the ass-kissing, Haverford.

Tom · Chef:Doesn't that offend your refined Parisian sensibilities? / I'm from Orlando.

Tom · Chef:Tom is chased out of the kitchen by an angry chef screaming 'Get out of my kitchen! / Pardon! Pardon!'

Tom:Who has the most to lose from a new Paunch Burger? Their competitors. I got all the other fast-food places in town to donate food.

Tom · Leslie Knope:I know black tie and chicky tenders isn't the best mix, but — / No, Tom, I love it. And more importantly, so will all of our more ample citizens.

Tom · Chris · Ben:Tom offers to get the marriage license, saying 'I got a guy that works at City Hall' — then Chris corrects 'That guy's my wife' — then Tom adds 'Um, you also work there.'

Tom:Tom offers to be officiant with a 'Steve Harvey vibe or straight-up Seacrest?' pitch, then decides to combine them: 'Steve-crest'

Tom:Tom's minister certification won't arrive for 24 hours — 'But this is America. I want it now!'

Tom:Tom reveals his wedding officiant speech has 'six guaranteed applause breaks' and includes a beatbox and dance breakdown

Tom · Jerry:Jerry reveals he's actually ordained — 'That's the worst idea I've ever heard.' / 'Yeah, you're right, okay.' / 'Wait! What if you do the ceremony but don't have any stupid ideas of your own...'

Tom:Tom's speech opens with Will Smith's monologue from 'the modern cinematic classic... Hitch'

Tom:Tom's speech line: 'When I heard Ben was getting married, I was like, to Leslie or to Game of Thrones?'

Tom:'You mad sweet on that back meat' — Tom's speech line about Leslie talking about Ben's butt

Tom · Jerry:Tom's crisis: his speech is wrong — '20 minutes of Hitch quotes before I even say Leslie's name.' Jerry's advice: 'Speak from the heart.' Tom: 'Well, I'm not crazy about the part where you do something.'

Tom · April:Tom's post-ceremony lament: 'Just this once, I thought I nailed something.' April: 'You worked hard and you got really close.' Tom: 'Close only counts in horse grenades.'

Tom:Tom's full explanation of 'horse grenades': 'if you're playing horseshoes, and then you throw a grenade at a horse, it doesn't have to be that close, and you can still blow the horse's legs off. It's from the movie Seabiscuit.'

Leslie · Tom:Tom, we got you an autographed portrait of your personal hero. No way! Scott Caan from Hawaii Five-0!

Tom · Ben:Whoa! Check out the new digs. - Pass. - You came down here to pass on helping me? - Yeah, I wanted to see what your face looked like when I said no. It was totally worth it.

Tom · Ben:Well, they bring me fancy lunches here. If you stay, you can have some. What? Crab, caviar? On behalf of Tommy's Tummy Foundation, I'm happy to accept this generous donation.

Tom:Um, yeah. I got a good one. It's called the Clean Sheet Foundation. That's my pick. They provide legal assistance to the KKK.

Tom:Can you pass the bonbons?

Tom · Ben:Tom, do you have to run that right now? Oh, no, Ben! These smoothies will just blend themselves!

Tom:Well, I'm terribly disappointed. But I'm sure the doctors or giraffes or whatever you decided to help will be thrilled with the whatever you decided to whatever.

Tom:Tom's talking-head about Mona-Lisa: 'Um...yeah. For some reason, she got super turned on. We started making out. Hard. Next thing you know, we're back at my place, having sex. We're together now.'

Tom:I know she's kind of a monster, but whatever. I'm young. She's sexy. I'm just gonna see where this roller coaster goes.

Tom · Ben · Andy:Uh, 'Spasm.' No, 'Butter Face'! / Very good!

Tom:Dennis Feinstein belongs to a new generation of wealth-- rappers, tech geniuses, X games medallists, and of course, 'scent artists.' The man owns a Rolexus. It's a Lexus filled with Rolexes. What's the point of that? To have it, which he does.

Tom · Dennis Feinstein:Uh, he meant Mark Cuban. / Cuban? Now, that's the kind of guy I can hang out with-- Mark Cuban. / I'm interested now. Keep talking.

Dennis Feinstein · Dumb-Dumb Eddie · Tom · Andy:Guys, we're going out. Let's scent up! / I call dibs on 'Ooze.' / I got 'Money Shot.' / Yeah. / I got 'Blood Spurt.' / Ooh, no, don't use that one. / Eh, go ahead.

Tom · Dennis Feinstein:That sounds amazing. We should go hunting sometime. I'd love to. / I could bust out my Ralph Lauren Fall 2010 collection. Copped it in 2012. Clearance rack!

Dennis Feinstein · Tom · Andy:Wear whatever you want, as long as it's not too bright or reflective. You know, I want you blending in to the surroundings. / How fast can you run? / I think that guy wants to hunt me.

Andy · Ben · Tom · Dennis Feinstein:Why did you make me apologize to him? / Guys, just hold it-- hold on a sec. / Mr. Feinstein, with all due respect... you are a major dick. / What? / Run! / Eddie, get my crossbow. / Crossbow? What the-- / You will pay for this!

Tom · Ben:Feinstein's the worst. I hope he gets into an accident driving that Rolex Mobile. / For the last time, it's a Rolexus, and you can't drive it.

Tom:Rent-A-Swag is gonna donate five cents from every dollar we make this month. It's not Feinstein money, but it'll help.

Tom:'Okay, see you tomorrow, Jerry.' [Triumphant music plays]

Tom:Tom's Social Darwinism speech about the office naturally selecting a new Jerry

Tom · Donna · April · Andy:Tom's 'pile files'/'filo pilos' meltdown — can't correctly say 'file piles'

Donna · Tom:'Well, I guess that settles who the new Jerry is.' / 'No, it doesn't! I barely even said it wrong.' / 'Said it wrong.'

Tom:Tom's talking head: fear of becoming a sweater vest/Bonnie Raitt/Da Vinci Code iPod Jerry

Tom · Donna:Tom drops something with a clatter immediately after the talking head, confirming 'It's already started'

Tom:Tom's talking head declaring himself Andy's superior in the race to be Jerry's successor: 'Big guy? Check. Goofy? Check.'

Andy · Donna · Tom:Andy gets ink all over himself from a pen — 'I'm like a giant squid. I'm ink Dracula.'

Tom · Donna:'You guys could just stop making fun of me.' / 'Yeah. No.'

Tom:'Ronfire of the Vanities'

Tom · Ron:Tom pitches getting a new intern: 'They're usually stupid and terrible. So they get no work done. It's like a Jerry you don't have to pay.'

Jerry · Leslie · Ben · Tom:Jerry's tie catches fire from the retirement cake candles

Tom · April · Andy · Donna:'Pretty heroic, huh, guys?' / 'Hard to make fun of that.' / 'Oh, man, the cake.' / 'Filo Pilo ruined the cake. Classic Pilo.'

Tom:'Stupid Jerry. Should have never saved his life.'

Tom · Donna · Taylor:Tom approaches the new intern Taylor, who quit football to run a homeless shelter for his pastor

Tom · Taylor:Tom and the new intern Taylor flirt/awkwardly meet in the hallway

Tom:Tom's talking head about reinventing himself from 'a skinny Indian kid in South Carolina' who wore dope suits and fur underwear — and now he's back to being a Jerry

Tom:'All right. I gotta buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.'

Leslie · Ron · Tom · Jerry · Taylor:Jerry returns to the office and the intern is fired to make room for him

Jerry · Tom:Jerry trips and falls immediately upon returning to the office: 'Oh, it feels good just to be ba--' [falls]

Tom:According to her Twitter feed, she got coffee five minutes ago. Wait, now she's Ustreaming her walk back. She should be here in three, two, one.

Donna · Tom:Hey, hey. Hashtag quest for coffee, blowin' up my timeline. You get my snapchat about it? / No. / What? / There it is.

Tom:And if you're off the grid, how are you gonna post photos of the dope food at restaurants you're at and all the cool places you're stuntin' in?

Tom · Ron · Donna:Grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid-- / If you help me get off the grid, I will let both of you go home early. / No grid, no grid, no grid, no grid.

Tom · Ron:Isn't there a photo of you up at JJ's Diner, from that time when you-- aah! / Come on, Tom!

Tom · Ron:Great news, Ron. Jean-Ralphio loves your shirt. / What the hell are you talking about? / Oh, I've been taking pictures of you all day for my new Facebook album: 'Ronswan: Gettin' off the grid.'

Ron · Tom:Tom, do you maybe see a problem with what you've done? / I do now. Yes, sorry. / Erase. Erase. Erase. / Erase all pictures of Ron!

Ron · Tom:What the hell is happening? / I think you accidentally opened up Vine. / You just vined your first selfie, Ron. / And I'm vining you vine your selfie. / The world is a nightmare.

Tom:Erase all pictures of Ron! (repeated in next scene)

Ron · Tom · Donna:The magic phone scene: two large children's toy phones / Ew, gross, it has 'buttons.' / A cell phone belt clip? / No, Ron. Oh, my God! / Yeah, I can't be seen with you.

Tom · Donna:I mean, did you steal this from a museum? Maybe find it frozen in ice? It looks like the original phone from the movie Wall Street. / I think it's just the original phone, period.

Tom:Guess there's no Tom Haverford equivalent. Not surprised, I'm one of a kind, just like the custom Nikes I designed that say 'Tommy's Tootsies' across the toes.

Ragiv · Tom:I'm Ragiv from I.T. This is E.R.I.C. / E.R.I.C. is a computer program? / Stands for Eagleton Reservation Information Center. It does all the scheduling in Eagleton.

Ragiv · Tom:You still have a human being in charge of booking tennis courts? What is this, 1990? / I guess that explains the shoulder pads.

Tom:How did he notice these? [Tom stares at his own shoulder pads in confessional]

Tom:But there's one thing no man or machine can beat Tom Haverford at — talking mad trash till I get what I want.

Tom:This guy Eric is a disaster. / What do you mean? / Just a bad attitude. 'Oh, I hate this place. Get me out here.' That kind of thing. And unreliable. And racist. / I think he may have even been to jail. Although, you know, maybe those are just regular face tattoos.

Tom:After I defeated him in an epic struggle, E.R.I.C. is gone. He's been replaced by T.O.M. — Town-wide Organizational Matrix.

Tom:Tom greets someone in backwards pants: 'You look wiggity, wiggity, wiggity, wiggity wonderful.' Then identifies it: 'Wait a minute. Pants on backwards. Kris Kross, right?'

Tom:Tom's talking-head about Nadia: 'She's definitely out of my league. Actually, we're not even playing the same sport. It's kind of like she's in the NBA, and I work in a muffler store next to the stadium.'

Tom · Unknown:Tom's friend dismisses Doctors Without Borders as 'a stupid vacation.' Tom: 'Exactly.'

Tom · Nadia:Tom brags about being a skee ball master. Nadia: 'No way. Why didn't you go pro?' Tom: 'Hmm. I don't know. I didn't want to be a cliché. Yet another professional Indian skee ball player.'

Tom · Unknown:Tom climbing onto the skee ball ramp to cheat, with his lookout watching. Gets busted. Tom: 'Hey. You're supposed to be my lookout.' Friend: 'I thought it would be funnier to watch you get busted.'

Tom · Nadia:Tom: 'Hey, you're a doctor. You know snitches get stitches.'

Tom · Morris · Mr. Bonderman:Tom negotiates to buy the arcade bear for $50 directly. Employee agrees: 'Yeah. Just don't tell my boss.' Boss immediately appears: 'What are you doing, Morris? Tuck in your shirt. God.'

Tom:Tom's talking-head: 'When I was a kid, I taught myself how to make out on this bear. I pretended it was Cockroach from The Cosby Show.'

Tom:Tom's talking-head about Nadia going to Rwanda: 'And if I know anything about Rwanda... And I don't. I bet it's full of rich guys who will buy her whatever she wants.'

Tom:Tom's response to how he gets women: 'Scientists say the emotions of love and hate are very close to each other. That's what I tell women.'

Tom · Ann:Tom concludes with: 'I know conversations like this are hard for you because you still have feelings for me. But you'll land on your feet, kid. Run or I punch you. No punchies!'

Tom · Nadia · Ann:Tom and Nadia steal the bear from Ann. Tom: 'This is on you. You told us to make a memory.' Ann: 'There's your money back.' Nadia: 'Let go!' Ann: 'Suck it!'

Tom:Tom: 'Together, we truly did steal a toy from your pregnant friend.'

Tom · Nadia:Tom asks if Nadia will call him when she returns from Rwanda. Nadia: 'Ugh! Clingy.' Tom: 'Oh, no. Sorry.' Nadia: 'No, no, no. I'm kidding. Of course I'll call you when I come back.'

Tom:Tom arrives in full Colts fan gear — beanie, scarf, grill, and 'Colts slippies' — and refuses to run, saying 'Tommy doesn't run. That's your guys' job. Now let's go fetch this football throw, fellas.'

Tom:Tom confessional: 'I love sports.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie's advice about making the most of your job cuts to a trash collector who is NOT wearing pants and is smiling at them.

Leslie · Tom:Too extreme? / Too nothing.

Tom:Tom's Snoop Dogg rebranding theory: 'No one cared about Calvin Broadus until he started calling himself Snoop Doggy Dogg. Then when people got tired of that, he went by Snoop Dogg, and now he's Snoop Lion. What's he gonna be in ten years — Snoop Laser Snake?'

Tom:Tom's T-dazzle demo: he gives someone 'plain water' that tastes boring, then adds a glowing substance to a new glass, and the person is amazed. Tom explains it's 'teeth dazzler, which makes your teeth stronger and starts a party in your mouth.'

Tom:Tom's T-dazzle pitch: 'Welcome to T-dazzle. It's not a chemical. It's an aquatic-based social-media oral experience.'

Tom:Tom invites everyone to tweet at T-dazzle to win 'an exciting plain blue T-shirt.'

Donna · Tom:Tom trying to figure out Donna's spirit dog asks about her favorite color: 'For cars, it's gold. For shoes, it's red -- unless it's the weekend, then reverse them.'

Donna · Tom:Tom: 'Favorite book?' Donna: 'Downton Abbey.' Tom: 'That's not a--' Donna: 'Downton... Abbey.'

Donna · Tom:Donna's favorite movies: 'In order -- Natural Born Killers, Remains of the Day, and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.' Tom: 'Excellent.'

Tom:Tom confessional: 'No idea.'

Tom:Tom's spirit dog for Donna: 'You are a Nova Scotia toller, because you're outgoing and adventurous. And you love Canada?'

Tom · Donna:Tom: 'You'll probably never guess what kind of dog I am.' Donna: 'You're right. I'll never guess what kind of dog you are, because you're not a dog. You're a cat.'

Tom:Tom's H-2-flow counter-pitch: explains the molar mass (136.086) and asks 'How does 136.086 grab you?' to mock how Jamm's Drink-ems campaign used meaningless numbers.

Leslie · Tom:Leslie tries to intervene in Tom's H-2-flow pitch by saying 'Excuse me. I have several binders with very important data that I need to get through.' Tom cuts her off: 'Well, miss, I think we'd all appreciate it if you just swallowed a teaspoon of hush.'

Tom:Tom's H-2-flow pitch: sparkle points, aqua badges, Platinum Club — gamifying fluoride like a phone app.

Tom:Tom confessional: 'I'm great at business, and I'm great at parks stuff. I'm like Picasso meets Michael Jordan. I can paint, but, uh, I can also be a world-class gambler.'

Tom:Tom's talking-head: 'A sorry you lost your dream job gift? That's a tough one. Stay away from wine. Wine is crying juice.'

Tom · Lawyer:Dr. Saperstein's note to Tom: 'Dear Tom: I win. You suck. Turn note over. You still suck. Turn note over.'

Tom · Lawyer:Tom tries to convince the lawyer to put a bag of poop in Saperstein's car for $5, negotiates to $10,000, then counter-offers: 'Why don't you just do it for the story?'

Larry/Garry/Jerry · Tom:Garry/Larry's check is made out to 'Lenny' — 'which I think is a typo for Larry, which isn't even actually my name'

Tom · Larry/Garry/Jerry:Tom: 'No, it's not, you boring grandpa.' to Larry after Larry says 'Good to be Larry'

Tom:Tom's new investment philosophy: 'For years, I've been coming up with my own ideas. Like some sort of non-rich idiot.'

Tom:Tom on the age-grandfather spectrum: 'Basically, if you're older than me, you're a grandpa. And if you are a grandpa, you're dead.'

Tom:Tom's business pitch process: 'Come on, time is money, money is power, power is pizza, pizza is knowledge. Let's go.'

Greg · Ron · Tom:Greg's pitch: 'An abacus, but on your phone. I call it a phone-bacus.' Ron: 'Son, you just described a calculator.'

Tom · Pitcher · Ron:Automated Word Counter pitch exchange: 'Three words: Automated word counter. Get out. Two. Words. No. One. Word. As you may know...'

Tom · Larry/Garry/Jerry:Tom: 'I'm not gonna buy that thing. It's covered in a gallon of your boogers.' Larry: 'I totally understand.'

Tom:Tom's Talking Tissue product: 'Blow that nose, playah!'

Tom · Larry/Garry/Jerry:Larry being told his same job: 'I'm younger than you, and I already have my own department. Plus I'm married, and I make more money than you.'

Larry/Garry/Jerry · Tom:Larry: 'Whatever. You just merged your department with parks then made up your own title.' Tom: 'Yeah. It's awesome.'

Tom:Talking Tissue: 'I'm empty, yo. Fill me up.' / 'Do that again.'

Ron · Tom:Ron's reaction to the Talking Tissue: 'Yo, dog! Life is what you make of it.' Ron: 'Leave while I'm ahead? You got it.'

Tom:Talking Tissue extended sequence: 'Clear them sinuses, playboy!' / 'Someone's got the sniffies.' / 'Tell your mama you love 'er.' / 'Step up your vitamin C game, bro!'

Tom:Tom in talking head: 'Split that four ways, boom. $600.'

Tom:Tom's talking head: 'I'll say it again: The men's room needs a separate dispenser for face wash. I can't wash my face with hand soap. Look at these pores. They're gaping.'

April · Andy · Tom:April booked Mouse Rat for a kids' birthday party; Andy thought it was 'a festival' where 'Dave Grohl might be there'

Tom:Tom: 'What she needs from you is to just look her in the eyes, nod your head, and say those two magic words: That sucks.'

Tom · Ben:I'm gonna do what I do best-- lock down deals. And dork-asaurus over here is gonna handle the boring stuff. You said you genuinely valued my business acumen. Also, I'm your boss.

Tom · Mitch:You guys make my favorite teeth-whitening strips-- pearlies for girlies. It's unisex. The cartoon princess on the label says so.

Tom:I may have a few eggs ready to hatch in the personal idea nest.

Tom:It's all happening, Ben. Soon I'll have a new career, new crib, new friends. If all goes well, this may be one of the last times I ever have to speak to you.

Tom · Ben:Okay, how about this one-- Lasik for fingernails? Cut your fingernails once, never have to cut 'em again. All we need is a complicated laser I have no idea how to build. Seems impossible.

Tom · Ben:Uh-oh! 'Saltweens!' Saltines for tweens. Seems...unnecessary?

Tom · Ben:I can't believe an angel investor floated down from the heavens, and I don't even have anything to pitch him. Come on, you must've had one good business idea. You're 52 years old!

Ben · Tom:You would be the middleman between dry cleaners and the companies that sell chemicals to dry cleaners. Wow! Right? You're right, man. That is not sexy.

Ben · Tom:Now I know what you're thinking. What if it's a cleaner who wants to buy glycol ethers? Ben, stop! This is so boring! This is like listening to a TED talk by the color beige.

Tom · Ben:Well, I sold tons of awesome stuff. Guess it makes sense my next challenge is to sell something mind-numbingly dull. Dull? Does this look dull to you? Ahhhh.

Tom:I've got two words for you-- 'Tom's Bistro,' an old-fashioned, old-world Italian restaurant...

Tom · Ben:Why does that say 'dry cleaning chemical transactional holding company?' Ben! You brought the wrong easel. God! Can't take this guy anywhere.

Ben · Tom:Really happy that worked out for you, Tom, but you kinda sold me out back there. I know, and I'm sorry. But Mitch asked me what I was passionate about, and honestly I'm never gonna be passionate about dry cleaning chemicals.

Ben · Tom:Then count me in as the second investor in Tom's Bistro. Thanks, man. I know this is a symbolic gesture, but my investor floor is $1,000. So as of now, you own zero shares. Cool! Thanks for clearing that up.

Tom:I'm kind of like a skinny, handsome, Indian Mario Batali... who doesn't know how to cook.

Tom · Larry/Gary/Jerry · Ben:A Larry voodoo doll? Tom, that's so sweet. Thanks. [immediately pokes it, Larry says 'Ow!']

Tom:That's where the politicians will sit, this is where the connected guys will bring their goomahs.

Jurassic Fork owner · Tom:We stretched ourselves too thin by expanding to a second location. / You opened another dinosaur-themed restaurant? / No, another Steven Spielberg-themed restaurant. The German place downtown... Schindler's Lunch.

Tom:I think you may have misunderstood what people liked about Jurassic Fork.

Ben · Tom:Watch cologne. Cologne for watches.

Tom:Things used to make me so happy. But I've grown a lot in the last year. Now I just want one big thing, my own restaurant, named after me, that makes me so much money I can buy anything I want.

Tom · April:Man, the places that came on the market today are way nicer than the listings we saw yesterday. I know, crazy, right? Real estate.

Tom · realtor:Tom's future restaurant space has nice properties but the realtor 'doesn't know' about the two helipads on his wish list — 'Does it have one helipad?'

Tom · Realtor:Does it have one helipad? / I don't know.

Tom:Hey, are we leaving or entering? We've been driving around in circles. You're...

Tom:Is the tent guy left-handed or right-handed? I just need to know which way to part my hair to get us a better price. It's a business theory I'm working on.

Tom:A straightforward deal? Why didn't you tell me? I don't have my straightforward deal fedora on me. We gotta stop by my storage unit on the way up.

Tom · Ben:No. Why'd you invite Larry? — He's been doing all the paperwork for this deal. He deserves to come. — Remember you said that when Larry's farting up the car.

Tom · Larry:Oh, my God, Larry. Your tuna fish sandwich stunk up my suit. — Gayle made it for me. — Irrelevant.

Harvey · Ben · Tom:For every line item that you two idiots disagree with, there's gonna be a $50 discussion surcharge. — $400. — A discussion surcharge? That's nuts. — $450.

Tom · Harvey:Wait, wait. Let me try one more thing. [Tom parts hair to other side] — What's the price now? — $80 more. I liked it better the other way.

Tom · Larry · Ben:Aw, man, did I miss a Larry fart? — Oh, no, uh, we were just-- Yeah, Tom. Yeah, I-I really ripped one. Didn't I, Ben? — Yeah. Yeah, it was loud. Smells like a hippopotamus took a dump on a skunk.

Tom · Ben:What, you're charging us for coffee? What kind of a business-- uh-oh.

Tom · Harvey:Yeah, I'm calling Tent Emporium right now. — Tent Emporium. How can I help you, buttface?

Ben · Tom · Larry:We're dead. The only tent store this guy doesn't own is 300 miles away. — Oh, hang on. Here's a place that might work. It's called Sweaty Roger's Pants Tent. — Oh, no, you can't rent tents there.

Tom · Larry · Ben:Whoa! Larry, this is great stuff. Never thought I would say it, but I'm a genius for making you stay outside and do a menial task. — Couldn't agree more. You did it, Tom.

Harvey · Larry · Tom:Gentlemen, I've won two online satellite Jamaican poker tournaments. I can tell that you're bluffing. — Your Pawnee business license has lapsed, which negates most of the deals you've made this year. — I'm guessing you're pretty bad at poker. — I am. And I was bluffing about winning those tournaments.

Tom · Ben:First off, I need to know where you got these zebra-print pillows. Second of all, I got a Tin Cup Blu-Ray itching for a Rene Russo signature. — Tom.

Ben · Larry · Tom:And Larry, he's the guy that brought you down, and he's gonna be watching you like a hawk. — Oh, hey. I'm Larry. Great to know you. I love tent world. — God! Can you just be cool for one second?

Tom · Larry:And Larry, by the way, you're looking in the wrong spot. Your inhaler is hidden under the pile of pistachio shells on my desk, obviously. — Okay, well, that's funny, 'cause I'm terribly allergic to pistachios.

Tom:Classic.

Ben · Leslie · Tom · Larry:Ben! No! What are you doing? — Uh, he's embarrassing himself and throwing away his career. — Sweetheart, stop. — O, captain, my captain. — What is happening? — Larry is my friend.

Tom:Aw, did you want to DJ, little puppy? I didn't know that little puppies could operate an iPod with their little puppy paws.

Tom:I thought we as a culture agreed to forget the year that everyone was into swing.

Tom:Every song I download has to pass a series of rigorous tests to answer one simple question: Is it a banger? How many beats per minute? How many drops? How dope are the drops? Were any acoustic instruments used? If so, it is not a banger.

Tom:I once accidentally downloaded a Lumineers song. I had to throw away my whole computer just to be safe.

Tom · Ben:Sometimes it's really hard to be friends with you. Thank God we don't have to be seen together. Yes, we do. We're co-DJs. Not anymore.

Tom:DJ Robo Drop reveals himself — a robot DJ costume

Tom:Oh, I hope that this prom is exactly like my senior prom. Theme: 'My heart will go on.' Photo booth with Monica Lewinsky look-alike. After-party -- Megan Rickerson's house. Her parents used to let us drink as much as we wanted. That's where we should have this after-party. Or, no, we can't, because they moved to prison.

Tom:Where's everything I requested? Where's my smoke machine? Where's my girls dressed in Teddy Bear costumes? Where's my Yeezus Mountain?

Tom:Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you throw them in the garbage?

Tom:My prom was right after I got impeached, so I couldn't leave the house without being egged. But my parents threw me a prom in our living room. I think I'm still messed up from it.

Tom:I was actually only at my prom for 15 minutes. By the time I got my Armani suit pressed and got the little dimple on my tie just right, it was 11:45 P.M. My date was pretty pissed, but, uh, I looked fly as hell.

Tom · Ben:Tom: 'Not a 2 Chainz crowd. I'll throw on some yeezy in a second.' Ben: 'Jeezy? Weezy?'

Tom:Go ahead. Play whatever you want. Can't be any worse than this.

Tom:Richard Branson and Mark Cuban are too busy making deals to keep up with what the kids are into. How else do you explain their terrible haircuts?

Tom · Ben:And, hey, you may be old, but you'll never be as old as me. Yeah. You're old as shit.

Tom · April · Donna:Tom announcing the wine country outing: 'Donna, April, wine country train is leaving the station. You ready?' and April's condition: 'if you drive us there, I will get very drunk.'

Tom:Tom's confessional: 'People that convince other people to buy expensive stuff they don't need. Those are the real heroes.'

Tom · Ron · Ben · April · Donna:The group that Tom didn't invite keeps joining: Ron, Ben, and others all 'tag along' to the vineyard, leaving Tom exasperated

Tom:Tom: 'I started with two cool people and I ended up with a bunch of grandpas.'

Tom · Ben:Tom: 'Listen, grandpas. When we get to the vineyard, there'll be a lot of fancy people there. Please, I beg you, don't embarrass me.' Ben: 'How would we embarrass you?' Tom: 'You're already doing it. I begged you.'

Tom:Tom's confessional describing Xander: 'He's basically the Bruno Mars of Indiana amateur wine tasting.'

Xander · Tom:Xander explains he pours saline water through his nose to clear mucus from his 'smell centers'; Tom responds: 'That is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.'

Tom · April:Tom offering to bankroll April's entry: 'You want to futz with these fools? I will bankroll you. Really? Oh, hell, yeah, pimp.'

Tom · Terrence:Tom vs. Terrence: 'That was my idea.' 'That is everyone's idea. That is why we have this, how do you say, thing.' Tom: 'Okay, don't act like you don't know the word "thing."'

Tom:Tom to Xander: 'Look. Tom's Bistro is going to be the dopest, quite possibly trillest restaurant in the area.'

Tom · Xander:Tom: 'I'll double whatever he's paying you.' Xander: 'You'll pay me $500,000 a year?' Tom: 'I will pay you one-tenth of whatever he's paying you.'

Tom · April:Tom, very drunk, mishears 'doggy bag' as 'she's gettin' a dog!' and announces it to the restaurant

Tom · Craig:Tom's response to Craig wanting the job: 'You're like a crazy volcano. You'd have to show me you can bring it down a notch.' Craig: 'I'll bring it down 1,000 notches if I have to!'

Tom · April · Donna · Craig:Craig, as sommelier at Tom's Bistro (test/audition): serving a customer who orders 'full-bodied red with fish' and ice cubes in wine — 'I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine, served in a dog bowl. And silly straws all around.'

Craig · Tom:Craig eavesdropping revelation: 'Can you hear everything people say in that conference room? I've been taking what I thought were private phone calls. I've heard everything. I know all about the car dealership in Tampa.'

Tom:Oh, who knows? I got so many kids from different women, I just get all of their birthdays out of the way one day a year.

Leslie · Tom:The sheik has thrown his hat into the ring. / There's no sheik. / With the crazy hat and a monkey on his shoulder. / There's no bidding war. No one's talking... / There's no sheik, and there's no old lady with a diamond—what is it, a diamond eye patch?

Leslie · April · Tom:Well, actually, and this is crazy, but it's children, plural. We're having triplets, and... / Shut the— / Oh, my God!

Craig · Leslie · Tom:Well, I sold everything on the auction list, no thanks to you people. What's so wonderful that you're all celebrating while I do all the hard work? / We're having triplets. / [Laughter] Oh, great. First my cousin Winona gets into a car accident the night my one-man show opens, and now this? Why are my accomplishments always overshadowed? Congratulations, I suppose.

Tom:It's what I call selfies of other people.

Tom:This is the hardest I've worked on anything since... Wow. I've never worked hard on anything. What a cool life!

Tom:Actually, no, that's good.

Tom · Staff:'This little Italian restaurant will put McDonald's out of business' on three. One, two, three! This little Italian restaurant will put McDonald's out of business! ...rise from hell fire!

Tom:Please, Ron? I've never asked you for anything today.

Tom:Please don't stick to that policy.

Tom · Larry:What is this, a rotten grapefruit? No, it's my dog's rectum.

Tom:This is the worst thing you've ever done. I need you to take all of these dog butt pictures and burn them in the pizza oven.

Tom:You've always been like a grandpa to me.

Tom:And despite what my pocket square says, I'm not a billionaire.

Tom:Really? I love quitting. When I was a kid and things didn't go my way, I would just take my ball and go home. That's better than winning, 'cause then, your friends can't play anymore!

Tom:Well, I hate doing work, but I love being flattered, so maybe I'll give it another try.

Tom:Ginuwine, it is an honor to be breathing the same air as you. No joke. But real talk, we're both men about town being constantly bombarded with party invitations.

Tom · Mona-Lisa · Jean-Ralphio:No! Your father ruined my last business. Why would you bring him here? / Mmm, because you told me to look for VIPs and my daddy is the VI-est P I know.

Tom · Leslie · Donna:Except for Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus. I was hoping tonight would be magical enough to get them back together. / Let it go, friend. He's not good enough for her. / And vice-versa!

Tom:Excuse me, Miss Hanley? Do you mind if I snap a 'You-ie'? It's what I call selfies of other people.

Tom:Donna has chosen me to be the Butler of Honor at her wedding. Now, granted, 'Butler of Honor' is a term I made up, but it's not a job I take lightly.

Tom · Donna:DJ Bluntz surprise reveal — Tom presents Donna with a surprise bigger than when LeBron went back to Miami

Tom · Donna · Terry:Treat Yo' Self. Treat Yo' Self 2017! / Oh, my God! Is this for real? Oh, it's for real. And it's the biggest one yet. / I still don't know what's happening. So, what's happening? Treat Yo' Self. Not an answer to my question.

Tom · Donna · Terry:Terry, what's happening? Treat Yo' Self. It's the best day of the year! / Read the cake. Still unclear.

Tom's employee · Tom:In case something happens to you, I wanna make sure I get paid. / Looking out for number one. Always smart.

Tom:Well, breakups are famously super fun and make everyone feel awesome. So, it's no different.

Donna · Tom:You should come to the wedding and do paperwork. Stop, you're making this sound almost too fun.

Tom:Whatever, just text me when you decide. I literally couldn't care less. So, yeah. Let's hit it, Donna.

Tom:Today is about one thing. Things, Donna! Our favorite.

Tom · Donna:Treat Yo' Self in Beverly Hills! (reveal)

Tom:Oh, damn. I was secretly hoping you got me the shoes Jaden Smith wears in Hitch 2: Son of a Hitch.

Tom · Donna:Thanks, Donna, it's a great gift. / Almost forgot. I did get you them shoes from Hitch 2!

Donna · Tom:Look behind you, but don't be obvious. / Can I get the 'me' soft shell crab? / Josh Groban! He's eating his own sushi! That's the most baller thing I've ever seen!

Beverly Hills Technician · Tom:LASIK for fingernails? I came up with that. You want it? It's 275. / Yeah. Laser my nails off, please.

Tom:In fact, forget it. I wasn't even serious. You've been hoaxed! You've been Tommy-ed!

Ron · Tom:Tommy, I was at the nail salon and I picked up some geranium hand cream. Do you wanna try it? Warm it up, please.

Tom:As Donna's Butler of Honor, I'm going all out. Baby blue brocade. As a surprise, I got a matching dress for Lucy.

Ron · Tom:— And do you believe Lucy will be happy with this gift? — 100%! We're so in sync.

Tom · Ron:You told Lucy I want to marry her? — Damn it, son, the small hamburgers.

Tom · Ron:Even though I've known Lucy for years, and can see myself spending a life together with her, having children, walking the grounds of Tommy's Bahama — a private island I'll eventually buy — that's way in the future, man. — Don't call me 'man.'

Tom:Ron does this weird thing where he says exactly what he means. You just have to ignore him.

Leslie · Ben · Tom · Jerry/Garry:— To Ben. — Donna and Joe. — To me. I own my own restaurant and several other properties. That's always worth celebrating.

Tom · Leslie:Tom greets Leslie with 'Les-legally Blonde!' and presents her with Men's Ferragamo loafers — 'What am I supposed to do with these?' / 'Yeah, you're right. I should probably keep them. They're a size 6 1/2. Too small for you anyway.'

Tom:'Shia LaBeouf is one hell of a jewelry designer, by the way. Man's really found his calling.'

Tom:Tom describes his ideal proposal as 'a multiplatform media experience, an action movie with explosive graphics, fast cars, and a hero with one mission — to propose to his lady. A hero named... Tom Haverford.'

Tom:Tom on the phone: 'If you can't train 200 white doves in the next four hours to spell out "Lucy, will you marry me?" then you have no business calling yourself a pet store.'

Leslie · Tom:Leslie shows up as a character in Tom's proposal movie with an elaborate French backstory — 'I came up with a backstory for my character. She's married to a French billionaire, and she has a twin sister, identical, and they keep—' / 'Leslie, you have one line.'

Leslie · Tom:The action movie proposal scene: Leslie breaks character to explain her French billionaire backstory with a twin sister

Tom · Stunt doubles:The film shoots a scene with 'stunt double' chaos, with Tom yelling 'Go, my puppets! Go, my puppets! / Fight, fight, my puppets!' while confused crew members execute his commands

Tom:Tom's action movie climax — he narrates to Lucy over the video: 'Lucy, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to marry me.'

Tom · Ted:After the proposal video, the jewelry store owner Ted says 'No, it wasn't [amazing]. You just destroyed my case.' / Tom: 'Hey, it's the movie business, Ted. You knew the risks.'

Tom · April:Tom's elaborate plan falls apart when he realizes 'We're calling this off. It's all wrong.' Lucy asks if it's because he said 'it's pizza time.' / 'No, but that definitely didn't help.'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio adds flavored condoms to Tom's proposal kit — 'I didn't ask for flavored condoms.' 'No, no, no, that's just me looking out for you. See, girls get mad horny when you propose. That's why I do it all the time.'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio: 'I didn't ask for flavored condoms.' / 'No, no, no, that's just me looking out for you. See, girls get mad horny when you propose. That's why I do it all the time.'

Tom · Lucy:Tom's simple proposal at The Snakehole Lounge: recreating their first date with a daisy, a failed magic trick, and a card pick — Lucy says yes.

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Lucy:Jean-Ralphio responds to Tom's engagement by immediately hitting on Lucy: 'So what's your story again? I mean, like, how married are you? You down to clown? You in that rude mood?' / 'Why are you like this?' / 'Pills, baby!'

Tom · Leslie:Tom: 'I'll see you later, Jennifer Knopez.' / Leslie: 'Catch you on the flip side, Tom-egranate Juice.' / Tom: 'Hey, not bad.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom and Leslie say goodbye with food-pun nicknames: 'Jennifer Knopez' / 'Tom-egranate Juice' — 'Hey, not bad.'

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Leslie:Jean-Ralphio appearing in a hospital bed: 'You're not injured?' / 'Uh, yeah. I'm injured. I got a terminal case of "Get me to the front of the line at Six Flags."'

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Leslie:Jean-Ralphio's parting declaration to Tom: 'Leslie... I've always loved you.' / 'I know.'

Tom · Leslie:Maintenance is closed on Fridays — Tom: 'What would our last ride be without one more bureaucratic snafu?'

Tom · Ben · Ron · Donna:Tom's boardroom pitch meeting: 'Accounting nerd.' / 'I'm a congressman, Tom. Can you at least call me Ben?' / 'No can do, accounting nerd. We all knew you before you were a big shot.'

Tom:The fake-out: narrator announces Tom lost everything, is 'broke, destitute, and worst of all, swaggerless'

Tom · Lucy:Tom watching a documentary about his own failures — that he made himself

Tom:'I lost everything, Lucy — The franchises, most of my money. I had to sell my pocket-square collection. What are people's eyes gonna be drawn to?'

Tom · Ron:Tom's film idea: 'Sniper Race Delta: Beijing Inferno.' — 'I have no idea what it's about, but I have the perfect title.'

Ron · Tom:Ron reads the dedication in the gift basket: 'Tom, Here's to your success! Love, Leslie & Ben' — 'Lesile' misspelled

Tom · Garry:Tom's book talk: running through successful 'types' (Andy, April, Ben, etc.) then 'What do we definitely NOT want to be? A Garry! A Garry! A Garry!'

Tom:Tom's book inscription to the group: 'When I think of success, I think of you. You are a true inspiration to me. I love you. Tom Haverford.' / 'Oh, sorry. That's actually for Kendrick Lamar. Here's yours. "Best wishes."' / 'And I mean every word of it.'

Tom · Garry · Leslie:Tom calling the most powerful man in Pawnee to open a maintenance room — it's Mayor Garry

Tom:Tom comforting the sad woman with gum — 'You know what helps me when I'm sad? And I think it might just help you, too. / Gum. My company makes it.'

Tom · Shauna · abandoned woman:Tom and the abandoned woman's wedding — they met five hours ago and are getting married because he gave her gum

Tom:'You got to throw your thing.' — Tom throwing his boutonniere like a bouquet after the wedding

Tom:Tom's talking head to the camera — addressing the camera itself: 'I know you probably imagined us meeting once a year for a rendezvous, but I'm happy... I guess what I'm saying is, I'm out of your league, and you need to move on.'

Tom · Ann:Tom to Ann — completely out of earshot of Donna — telling her he's 'out of her league' and she needs to move on, while she stopped listening when he called her 'sugarpea'

Tom · Ron:Tom's book quiz: 'I took the quiz in your book about what kind of person I am. I'm a Ron.' / 'Ha. I'm usually a Tom, but sometimes, I'm a Don.' / 'Last time I took it, I was a Tom.' / 'What? No! No! No! Take it again! I got to go recalibrate the quiz.'

Tom · Ron:Tom's book quiz: 'I took the quiz in your book about what kind of person I am. I'm a Ron.' / 'Ha. I'm usually a Tom, but sometimes I'm a Don.' / 'What? No! No! No! Take it again! I got to go recalibrate the quiz.'

Tom:Tom's 'friends and family' deal at his restaurant: '3% off.'