Tom Haverford

This guy-- sounds like he didn't have a lot going on for him to start with, and now both legs broken. He's just weak. You have to take care of him. You probably feel like you need to move on.

Just become more adventurous in relationships with your body, just in-- Are you--are you actually hitting on me right now?

Oh, oh, god, no. I'm not-- I'm not hitting on you. I'm actually married.

I'm very comfortable around women, attractive women. I've spent a lot of time with them.

Maybe we can just exchange numbers. You know, maybe go away one weekend and just kind of talk about this.

Maybe give my wife a call and give her the suits, and then if they don't fit her, maybe she'll give 'em to me.

Yep, we was rappin' about some things.

I am from bennettsville, south carolina. I am what you might call a 'redneck.'

What's up, brendanawicz? You crazy old polish person.

City hall is like a locker room, and you gotta get in there and you gotta snap towels at people and you gotta give 'em the business, and if you can't take it, you know, you--you-- then you can't take it. You--you gotta leave... the locker room.

Hey, kids. That's another good one. Hey, brendanawicz. You gotta come check this out. Leslie took us out to that pit in lot 48 and she fell inside. And we have some awesome photos.

The up-skirt photo. Awesome. Hey, man. Give me the photo back.

Every now and then we have these little gatherings and leslie gets plastered. One time I convinced her to try to fax someone a fruit roll-up.

She one time made out with the water delivery guy in her office. On halloween, she was dressed up as batman. Not batgirl. Batman.

And I convinced her to go stop a crime that was going on outside.

I've been searching for 25 minutes and I haven't found a single egg. And I'm an adult. Oh. Yeah, I forgot to do that.

Tom, you probably won't need any [sunscreen for your beaks].

Are you gonna commit to coming to this meeting tomorrow, or are you gonna be a bitch?

Am I talking to the two sexiest thighs in landscaping?

Don's cement, It's the best you can get, Don's

I'm oddly attracted to Kate Spivack.

I play a lot of online Scrabble with my boss, Ron Swanson, and, oh, my God, that guy is the best. He beats me every time. He kills me. He's awesome. I can't beat him. I should just close my account.

Tom Haverford, boy genius. Smooth like milk chocolate.

Do you think I'm in the top five best-looking Indian guys in Pawnee?

No. / Who do you think's got me beat? That guy Hashish at City Planning?

I just played 'lexicons' for a billion points. / No, no, no, no, no. What? I was letting him win, dumbass.

I don't even know what lexicons are. I thought that was a luxury automobile.

You can't even spell vocabulary. / Yeah. V-O-G-X... Was that right? No.

Whoa! You nailed Malwae-Tweep? Nice. / Yes, but I'm not gonna do it again. It's over. / So she's available.

Man, that dude has stuck it in some crazy chicks.

Oh, my God. It's real. Uh... Yeah, I'm not gonna go deal with this. I'm leaving.

You are so pure, you're like a brown Superman with a beard that just stands for justice and truth and the American way.

I mean, look at those bitches clean up after me.

It's like I don't even know you anymore.

Yes, but she was in the hospital. I did not know that at the time.

Zero to six. I'm gonna write down 10.

Have you ever had a sexual dream about our boss, Ron Swanson? No! Absolutely not. No. Yes. No.

Is he like a regular Ron, or is he half-Ron, half-animal, like a centaur? Is he wearing a football uniform? Are you making love to him on a couch shaped like his mustache? Is he covered in Powerade?

Oh, my God, really? Well, I'm Marlene Griggs-Knope and I will destroy you all. [laughter]

And if five years ago you told me I was gonna be in this ballroom with Marlene Griggs-Knope, I would have guessed we were getting married.

Now, the words 'too sexy' aren't really in my vocabulary. But Marlene, girl, you are too sexy.

It's 9:30 on a Friday night in Pawnee. There's not gonna be a later, Mark. Come on, now.

He's handsome, I'm a cutie pie, he's laid back, I'm more in your face, but in a fun way. Ladies don't stand a chance.

It's called peacocking. Basically, I'm wearing something that kind of makes me stand out, like a peacock. So girls'll be like, 'Hey, what's with that hat?'

Look at these guys-- the key-forgetting twins!

If there was a Tellenson Award for hooking up with trashy chicks all the time, you'd have several of those awards. You're the king. You're my hero.

The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to both of us.

My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me. Then we divorced. Then last week, I ran into her sister Beth here. Turns out she hates Tammy, too, so we've started dating. It's like a fairy tale.

Look at how hot she is. Isn't that crazy? And she's a surgeon. She makes a ton of money! Bam!

Todd graduated in 2005, so you probably missed him.

She used to read him books at the senior center. He's six, but he has Benjamin Button's disease.

Brendanawicz, you big sandwich eater.

Pawnee has a gay bar? Yeah. The Bulge. It's behind my house.

The nights I've wasted there.

Well, you're wearing a peach shirt with a coiled snake on it. Yes, 'cause it was featured in Details magazine. And it's awesome.

Yes. The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet.

Mine has a collar on it.

Yeah, especially with that heterosexual cowboy greeting us on the way in.

There's a bar on Eighth Street called Pitchers and Catchers. You can go there.

And there's two bisexual guys here, and I got both of their phone numbers.

How are your kids doing? They're pretty good. Is it tough for them to have a mother that is so beautiful?

Those are, of course, tomatoes. Or souljaboy tellems.

Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers.

Those are some diddies. There's some bonethugs and harmoniums right here. Those ludacrises are coming in great.

You know, the best way to figure out what kind of spice that is, is roll it up into a joint and smoke it.

It's a 13-year-old kid named Stevie who likes to get high and make his transformers look like they're having sex.

Tommy Hilfiger? No, Tom Haverford. I spent 120 bucks to get it monogrammed. Everyone thinks it's Hilfiger.

Brendanawicz is the man. This is Brendanawicz's life: hot chick from the newspaper, hot chick from the post office, hot chick from the hospital. Her name's Ann. You know her name. Her name's Ann.

You're not from here, right? No, I'm from South Carolina. But you moved to South Carolina from where? My mother's uterus. But you were conceived in Libya?

My birth name is... Darwish Zubair Ismail Gani. Then I changed it to Tom Haverford because, you know, brown guys with funny-sounding Muslim names don't make it really far in politics.

What about Barack Obama? Yeah, fine, Barack Obama. If I knew a dude named Barack Obama was gonna be elected president, maybe I wouldn't have changed it.

White male, light brown hair. Just take pictures. Oh, my God. It looks like Andy. That is Andy.

I miss her so much, it's ridiculous. How's she doing? Doing good tonight. She's out on a... Ann is great. And I bet she really misses you.

So, do you like spy on Ann? From the pit? I just like being nearby. That way if she wants me back, I could be at her house in two seconds, before she changes her mind.

She's dating somebody else? I didn't say that. Who is she dating? What? Is she dating somebody else? I didn't say that. Who is she dating? Nobody. Mark.

I need you to step out and show me some ID. It's okay, my name's Tom Haverford. I work for the Parks Department. I got locked out of the van. I had to jimmy my way back in. Why don't you jimmy your way out and show me some ID? I just told you my ID, so what's the crime here? Parking while Indian?

Nice job, Paul Blart. Why don't you head back to the mall, make sure nobody's breaking into lady-foot locker?

I'll step out of your mama's van.

What a crazy night. Partner? Want to go get some breakfast? What? No. Take me home. What is wrong with you? Oh, my God, I can't believe this is on! I wonder if mini golf is open. Home!

The girls from Talent and Poise are gonna be there? - What? - Talent and Poise. It's a strip club by the V.A. Hospital.

No, what's disgusting is the Glitter Factory. Do not go to the Glitter Factory.

But if you don't do it to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?

34c, 36b, 34b, 34d. 32a? How'd you get in here? I'm kidding. You're perfect, each one of you. God bless.

They can't all be winners.

She's not even twirling the baton.

First off, I just want to say I'm a little bit surprised because I didn't think angels could fly so low.

Alexis De Tocqueville called America the great experiment. What can we do as citizens to improve on that experiment?

Don't applaud that. Don't. She didn't answer my question.

I told you... Gold-sequined sweatpants.

Venezuela is a poor country. These men are not used to the wealth and flash that we have here in central Indiana.

Raul Alejandro Bastilla Pedro de Veloso de Maldonado. I'm Tom.

Yes, we'll get our pathetic servant boy to fetch your luggage. Go, boy.

I am not surprised at all. I've been to South America. I did very well there.

You got it, chief.

Antonio, Nestle crunch with the crispy rice removed.

I find it incredibly demeaning, but, guess what? Cash money I'm going to make it rain

Pro, $35,000 worth of dirty money. Con, not quite sure why that's a pro.

Pro and con never works. Pro, yes, it does.

The key to volunteering? A lot of pockets. For putting all the food in. The red cross has amazing cookies.

Suicide hotline, surprisingly lame spread.

I have a couple in my wallet. That's what I call condoms. Come on, Tom. Focus.

There was a girl at my prom who was known as the backhoe. Mary Dunbar, she'd let anyone massage her back.

Who's not invited, then? Hey! What's going on, cupcake?

Didn't, like, 30 people die in that fire? He wasn't Superman.

This is not a stripper. It's my wife, Wendy. You remember her? She's a surgeon at County General, and she's super hot.

Ron Swanson's in the building, y'all!

Tonight, the 'T' in T-Pain stands for Tom Haverford!

About to head home and have crazy sex. That's cool. I don't... Yeah!

Would you rather be able to fly or speak fluent French? Donna, go. / French.

News flash, we're screwed. We got a big problem with the library. Punk ass book jockeys.

What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butt hole?

You slept with Brendanawicz?

When Tiger Woods feels invincible, he wears a red shirt and black pants. Ron wears the same thing after he had sex.

That's a tough one. Break up with her and tell her to go out with me.

I've never taken the high road. But I tell other people to. 'Cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

You know that's not your situation, right?

How does sewage always get the hottest interns?

Designers, make it work. / Tim Gunn.

Here. Just gimme $20 worth of art. Just something that seems personal that only I could have done. Well, tell me about yourself. No. Just paint.

Dude, what the hell kind of art is this? Looks like a lizard puking up skittles! / I'm an abstract expressionist. / No, you're a con artist, and I'm a guy that's out 20 bucks.

That looks like something a death row convict would make in art therapy.

You can't make art because you are art. You're beautiful... But that sucks.

You said 'murinal'. / No, I didn't. / You said 'murinal'. I heard it. / Why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it?

Go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection. / Murinal, murinal, murinal!

It's pointillism. And each dot is a photo of a citizen of the town. / No one cares. At all.

One to one to one to one to one to one. / We all voted for ourselves, didn't we?

Ann's blows. / Don't hold back.

I'd take Jerry's Murinal over this.

Shut up and do more art for me.

His new thing... Piggyback rides. Anytime you want. Piggyback! Piggyback! Move! Piggyback. Bam!

The only trails he's gonna be surveying are trails of lies and deception.

Not all the guys. He's never taken me. Fine, all the men.

Is this not rap?

Holy cow. It is good to be back! Sneak attack! Damn it! I'm the pants king! Bow to me.

I would not have pegged you as a user of mouth tobacco. I'm full of surprises, Ron.

I swallowed it. You're supposed to swallow it?

The only way to defeat the beast is to find the beast within.

What the***? What the hell? Give me some warning. I saw a quail. Sorry, man. You snooze, you loose.

Your favorite cake can't be birthday cake. That's like saying, your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal. I love breakfast cereal.

Look, some kind of bird. Let's kill it. You talkin' to me, bitch?

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?

Maybe Ron shot himself. He has seemed really depressed lately. He was shot in the back of the head. Right, he loves the back of his head. He would never shoot himself there.

Man is the most dangerous game. To the predator. I did smell something out there, and it wasn't human. That was pine trees.

Don't shoot! It's Craig from Reinhold Mercedes! Craig, I got you, dawg! Don't worry, I'm comin'!

You did good. You're a real stand-up guy. I'm sorry I lost my temper. It was because I was shot in the head by a moron.

Come on. I don't want to go to the fourth floor. That is the creepiest place on earth.

They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, but they used the wrong kind of oil and a bunch of people had to get their throats replaced.

Hey, boo, you're pretty. Thank you, sir. Are you on probation? I got clean urine. You need female, I got female.

Amazing. Took a risk, bought some shoes online. Paid off handsomely, as you can see.

Honestly, it's fine. Lasted longer than Avril Lavigne and the guy from Sum 41. Am I right?

You should have auto-saved that. That kind of feels like your fault.

Thanks, Rondoleezza Rice.

I really wish I could have your body. What? Like, tied up, naked, in your basement?

Well, that was weird, Jerry.

Can I get two creme brulees and another glass of 'bronto' grigio?

I like pretending to be sad. I now see why girls do it.

You're a club promoter? Aspiring.

I can't go back there. But if you see Jasmine, tell her she can keep Anthony, but I want my microwave back.

I'm gonna put these in places you've never heard of.

I've been to the Glitter Factory a million times. That girl up there, she's my emergency contact.

You know those hangover pills you can order on TV? I threw up a bunch of them this morning and feel much better.

My God, because you're Libyan. No, damn it. Wendy's from Canada.

My crotch looks like a disco ball.

Listening to that tree lighting is gonna be dope.

Damn, 10 items

Kill me.

Yeah, bitch, give me more of them blood diamonds! Make them extra bloody.

Brooks Brothers. Bought it right off the mannequin.

You are wearing the hell out of that suit, sir. Banana, two-button.

Ron Solo!

I got a nightclub opening to go to. Which tie do I wear?

That was a trick question. The answer's this one.

Did you ever see that movie The Matrix? 99% real.

I wait eight weeks and I text her, 'What's cracking?'

Covering for me at any legally dicey situations.

In the immortal words of Rod Blagojevich, 'It's a (fucking) valuable thing. You just don't give it away for nothing.'

Ooh you slept together? What? Not sexually. God what's wrong with you, Tom?

And you, out of all my friends, come from the most distant and exotic land. South Carolina?

What are you guys talking about? Nothing. Don't worry about it. What?

Are you kidding? My uncle practically runs the place. I've prayed there. It's sick.

The last time I was in India, I was eight years old and I stayed inside the whole time playing video games. I got to bone up.

How could you invite Wendy when Ron's here? He's gonna wrap her up in his moustache and take her home.

But I can't, because Leslie loves using people for her own gain.

I put a beautiful man in front of an adorable man-child. You're ruining it. I put a big white stallion in front of a little brown pony. Totally uncalled for.

I'm not gay, but you're the most incredible man I've ever met. That doesn't sound gay at all.

Hi, I'm Tom Haverford. I work at the Parks Department. It's a little douchie.

Who am I supposed to ask for fashion advice? Jerry? He wears the same soup-stained khakis every day.

Justin's my savior. He's like an issue of GQ that's come to life.

Tommy Timberlake. You look like Encyclopedia Brown.

Hey, what's up? I'm Tom. Is my shirt lighting up? 'Cause I didn't even notice.

Be honest. Which cane do you like better? Dragon? Serpent?

Belt buckle, says, 'What's cracking?' I can have it say whatever I want. It can say, 'What's cracking? I'm Tom. What's cracking, girl? What's cracking, boo?'

Well, as far as white, leather suits go... It's horrible. I like it.

Brendanawicz! Quick question, do you personally know Xzibit? Because I was checking out that pickup truck of yours, and that ride is pimped!

You can bring up the Mark-mobile, help me move, right?

I think that that's really, really sweet, that your grandparents still make love.

Ann! Oh! Look at you! You're looking pretty unhealthy today. You might need one of these, NutriYum, by Sweetums.

Dude, Deep Blue Sea. Greatest movie ever made. That's the Canadian version, 22 extra minutes, and there's a bonus audio track where LL Cool J raps all his dialog.

No, it's a spare room I converted into a walk-in closet/home fitness center.

I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor cleaning robots. I call him 'DJ Roomba.'

What's hot, DJ Roomba? DJ Roomba, tearing it up!

Why don't you get some Canadian bacon on it, since you're from Canada. And sausage, 'cause I am brown and spicy.

Jerry! You stepped on DJ Roomba! You killed him! I built him myself. He was like a son to me.

Everybody go home, pack away my stuff in your own houses. Then on Monday, pack it back up, meet me at my new place, unload it there.

This is the ghost of DJ Roomba. Why did you kill me? I'm gonna haunt you, Jerry. I'm gonna follow you and play the Black Eyed Peas on a non-stop loop!

I knew, eventually, somehow, Being in a relationship with you would totally pay off.

Jay-z drinks this. Yeah, well, jay-z doesn't have To perform surgery in an hour. You don't know jay-z's schedule. He's a renaissance man.

But think about how much better our friendship would be If we added doing it.

This is insane. Yeah, it's insane, but it's all I got.

So your plan was to sue me And then to use that to blackmail me Into falling in love with you? Yeah.

Hey, Freddy. Good news! Your liquor license renewal got got, yo.

Maybe call it something like Club-a-Dub-Dub or The Clubmarine, sort of a submarine-themed club.

Or Tom's Bistro. The word 'bistro' is classy as.

I agree. That's why I got into public service. To help me.

$10,000. That's chump change.

Also, sorry about your grandpa. No worries. He was a dick.

Dress code? Black tie optional. Just like life.

Ladies! Jay-Z. Rihanna. Audrina Patridge. Jon Gosselin. Lady Gaga. Snooki.

For the small price of only one, one, one, thousand, thousand, thousand dollars, dollars, dollars!

Mark, I'm talking to you! Donna, I'm talking to you! Jerry! I'm talking to you! Mark! I'm talking to you!

We could do the usual boring stuff like eat some chicken salad with some crackers, or watch the pay-per-view, or we could go to my nightclub and do some dancing.

You'd never have to beg for sex again. I don't wanna get into this, really, but I don't beg for sex now.

Just to be clear, you wouldn't be an owner, per se. You, me and my boy, Jean-Ralphio, would each own part of a share.

I'm out. Why? I hate that guy.

What are you doing here? I bought three shares. Thanks for the tip.

This is one of those nanny-cam teddy bears, isn't it? / What? No. It's a regular, camera-less teddy bear.

Just put it in your bedroom, don't even think about it. It's a robot bear. It's programmed to snuggle!

I'll take it. / Donna, there's a camera in it. / I know.

I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god!

How long do you think it would take me to learn golf, Leslie? / I could teach you... / Yeah, I don't want to do all that. I think I just want some of those dope pants.

Move! Get out of the way!

Seriously, man, when you wear these clothes, you just feel better than everyone else. You know? / Yeah.

Ooh. Tommy needs a banana. You guys good?

Ooh. Silly me. There was this little pom-pom on my glove and it fell off. Have you seen it? Could you help me look for it real quick?

Fairway Frank / You're gonna die / You're gonna fry, oh, yeah / You guilty son of a bitch / You're gonna fry / When they flip that switch

But security footage later revealed that it was actually a goose. / That's great. / No, it's awful, Tom. How would you feel if you killed an innocent duck and let a vicious goose waddle free?

The possum got loose at Ann's house.

This is my third time in a row. Just a bad luck streak, buddy. Next time, I'm sure it will definitely be one of us. But it won't be me. Because I always write...

I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd. No. That's Mr. Funny Noodle. And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him.

Oh, sorry, guys. Sorry I'm late. I got confused and took a shower, after I got dressed, because I'm Jerry.

A 'schlemiel' is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A 'schlimazel' is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the 'schlemiel' and the 'schlimazel' of our office.

And then I put my underwear on my head instead of my butt.

Why? Did you throw out your shoulder trying to swing a honey pot off your hand?

Ew! Is that code for some kind of weird sex act? Lord Sheldon is my dog. My wife named him. Ew!

Wouldn't it be karma if we were the ones that got mugged? Yeah. That's how pathetic Jerry is. He can't even get karma right.

Our friend got mugged this morning. And we will not let that happen in vain. He doesn't have a black eye. Well, frankly, the whole department has a black eye.

We certainly are a bunch of weaklings. Especially Tom. I am not a weakling. Arm wrestle me right now.

I think I'm more than holding my own here... Three, four, five... Hey. Six. Hey! How you doing? Not too bad.

Really. My gosh, you should not have gone to all this trouble. Oh. It's no trouble for our buddy.

He needs a lot of support. Tom. Talking about a bra for a man.

You went on a vacation and you chose Muncie, Indiana? Yeah. My wife and I have a time-share. In Muncie? Tom, Muncie is a lovely city.

Well, you might not be so confident once you've walked a mile in my size sevens. Kind of small feet. Actually, seven is the worldwide average. Boom!

Oh. That's Tom, probably. Are you serious? Tom, can you get off, please? Just run alongside the cart, okay?

You guys have got to slow down. Can I just take a rest for a minute? No, Tom. Sorry. No can do. Sun's going down and it's real dangerous out here.

Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Kill your wife?

We should just directly apply the food to your clothes.

Swiss family ron-binson- that hat is dope.

You mind if I rock that bad larry on my dome? Wear it, on my head? Try it on the ladies?

Hi. I'm tom. I have a raccoon on my head.

Excuse me, my friend over here was digging through your trash, And I think we may have a lot in common.

Because you've been running around my hat all da-- Head all day.

Nice hat. Want to bone?

yes, I am a hunter, and it's you season

Animal on the head, Manimal in the bed.

Damn, girl, your hotness killed my raccoon.

I have a raccoon hat. I'm an interesting person.

Centerfold? Always the best part. Am I right, justin?

Isn't that that creepy guy? Morgan, the pedophile?

That's a personal photo. That's-- Shouldn't be-- it must've...

I think that could actually work as our cover photo. I'm cool with it if you guys are.

Ann-danawicz... Or merkins.

And would it kill you to maybe put on some lipstick? Do you even own lipstick?

Keep slithering, keep slithering!

Do what mark's doing. He's doing great. I'm not doing anything, so...

Ann, you look miserable! Terrible, terrible!

Maxim or good housekeeping? I'm not sure which one is the insult.

How could someone so hot be so bad at looking hot?

we may have to go nude.

I call this one 'the future.' It's completely blurry.

You mean the 'unhappy wife' photos?

Seriously? You're not even gonna show me a fake? Sometimes the confidence confuses people.

Don't throw things at me. Oh, these are tight.

Pre-zit. Do you have any, uh, brown concealer by any chance?

Attack by Dennis Feinstein. When you want to attack the senses of the lady you want to bed.

That floppy old bag of money is gonna be dead in, like, a month. And who's going to comfort Jessica and her millions of dollars? Yeah, Jessica's a gold digger, but I'm a gold digger digger.

That's a saying everywhere. I've never heard it before And I think it's a great saying.

History is important. You just can't go around changing everything all the time or else next thing you know They'll be painting the white house... Not white. I'm so angry, I can't think of another color. Green.

Really thought that gate would open in the middle.

It never gets old!

It was supposed to be me and Ann, or me and Jessica, or Ann and Jessica with me watching.

I can't make it to the telethon tonight, because I have no interest in being there.

Ex-Indiana Pacers small forward, Detlef Schrempf. The Detlef Schrempf?

Just like everybody knows you appeared in two episodes of the German soap opera Gute Zeiten Schlechte Zeiten.

Huh? Oh, 6'10". I'm 5'6" and three quarters.

The Snakehole is booming! People are loving Detlef Schrempf. I had no idea professional athletes were so popular.

The ultimate celebrity, I think, to hang out with for a night would be Criss Angel. You'd be talking to him, and then, he would just turn into fire.

I need you to make that out, 'To Wendy. Tom is an amazing guy. You never should have left him. You made a huge mistake in your life, and you're probably going to die alone. Love, Detlef.'

Tom claiming to be a good friend for throwing the party while immediately revealing he's using it to 'stock the club with every available hottie'

Tom's confidence that he'll have 'between one and four new girlfriends' by the end of the night

Tom and Andy's terrible math trying to calculate the dating age rule, both arriving at different wrong answers

Tom bragging about his role in getting Trish crowned Miss Pawnee, with her talent being 'looking amazing'

Tom's 'classic game. Plant the seed. Harvest like a half hour later' while giving a bottlecap as a 'romantic' gesture

Tom frantically asking multiple people 'Who the [bleep] did I give a bottlecap to?' having forgotten his own romantic gesture

Tom's bar tab revelation: '47 drinks' including 'Ten cosmos, eight Smirnoff ices, And everything else starts with the word pomegranate'

Tom's mathematical confusion about his imaginary orgy: 'The problem is I only have 15 penises. So there would have been 28 girls there that were really upset with me.'

He better be showered. I just detailed my car, and he is notoriously funky.

What were we doing in between? Sex stuff.

How much do you like him? Because I could definitely talk to Lucy about a three-way situation.

Actually, Leslie, I just found out. Freddy Spaghetti ain't coming. / Freddy Spaghetti may not sing. But something much cooler is going to happen. I think. Ann?

At a library. / That's literally the worst place I can imagine.

Dude, don't even think about kissing me.

Whenever Ron has sex, the next morning, he comes in dressed like Tiger Woods.

Cut it out, Tom. / It never gets old.

Tommy Timberlake

And that's why they call me Prince Charming. Because I always find the glass slipper for my Cinderella. / These are way too tight. / Well, the real Cinderella didn't have hippo feet.

Jeremy! Suck it!

By the way, I've been giving away free sports bras to the girls at Hot Dog on a Stick. Look, we can dance all day, but it's time to step up. Are you buying 4,000 rubber nipples from me or not?

There's no coin toss in basketball. / Are those women's sneakers? / Yes, they are, Ron. You know what? They fit better, I got an employee discount, and the best part is no one can tell.

Match point. Touchdown. Et cetera.

They're both so beautiful. They probably just want to see each other naked.

Yes, Ron Swanson is dating my ex-wife, Wendy. Big deal. My girlfriend, Lucy, is the sexiest woman in town. She's Cuban, she's got tattoos, and she's into me, which, as far as I'm concerned, is the sexiest quality a woman can have.

That's a foul! What? On whom? / Your team. Number 50. He was double dribbling. / He's on defense. / Exactly. / That's a technical difficulty.

So, that means Andy's team throws the ball from the stripey thing.

Foul on number three for taking a number two on number four.

What are you going to do about it? Nothing. You fouled. You can't do anything. / Okay. You're ejected. You're ejected. / What's the matter there, Ron? No players left? / Put my boys back in. / You made me the ref. Deal with it.

Ron's ejected for molesting the ref!

I try to be considerate. Well, I am off for a soak and a schvitz. Arrivederch.

Before I joined, they were just three old white dudes quietly boiling in hot water.

Forgot to mention, the tiny kangaroo is a racist.

Every Thursday night is ladies' night down at the Snakehole Lounge over on Burnham Avenue. Ladies get two drinks for the price of one. Oh, no, that can't be right. That's way too good of a deal. Nope. That is what it says. Wow.

Why don't we put Eduardo in there and seal the top so that he suffocates and dies?

Picture of my ex-girlfriend Lucy with a mustache drawn on her face and stink lines coming off her, 'cause she stinks.

Luckily, when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. That's what they always do on Entourage.

Twilight is dope. I told you. I couldn't put it down. It was like she was peering into my soul.

There's a second book? And a third and a fourth. No [bleep] way.

Am I Team Edward? Yes. Do I share his concerns about turning Bella, though? Absolutely not.

Sometimes I think she's in the volturi.

Imagine if your boss was Angelina Jolie, and then one day, she just started dating your ex-boyfriend.

Dude, what did I just say? How about you shut up?

Whale tale. Whale tale. She's flashing a whale tale. Abort. Abort.

Oh, my God, she's amazing.

Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.

Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb and so was that idea. - Seriously? - This is embarrassing for you.

So all I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my ex-wife. - And you imagine he's wearing a cape while he's plowing her?

I was just tasting my new boyfriend, Glenn. - Tom.

I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty-kimono-wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room.

I hate you like my actual brother, Levondrious, who I hate.

When I asked her to be my date, she cackled for a full minute and said, and I quote, 'anything to make Ron miserable.'

Boy, 35%? It's actually 34.2%. '34.2%.' I'm Ben, the numbers robot.

It's just an exact calculation. 'It's just an exact calculation.' All right.

We should just slap a pair of Ray-Bans on a calculator, because that would be way more charming.

Hey, Perd. Was your dad RoboCop? Because your arms are guns.

RoboCop didn't have guns for arms. Oh, my God. That's so not the point, you nerd.

Because Brooks Brothers Boys doesn't make garbage.

Sweetums is even building a plus-sized roller coaster for some of Pawnee's obese thrill-seekers. You must be this wide to ride.

Joan? I thought you were Jennifer Aniston filming a movie here.

If we're both still single in an hour, let's get married. Tom, I'm already married. That's right. To Seal. What? I confused you with Heidi Klum again.

More like 'Turd Crapley.'

Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice.

I think she's gonna murder you.

his real name is Dante Fiero, but he changed it to Dennis Feinstein 'cause that's way more exotic in Pawnee

Uh-oh. Looks like you just nailed your future.

Well, Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. I mean, his powers were more spiritual. Shut up, you nerd!

A teriyaki hairpiece? I smell like the guy who's always coming up short.

He's not a pony, man. He's a mini horse. There's a big difference.

You're like a ninja crossed with a Jedi, or something. / You're like a nerd mixed with a dork or something.

Thank you, Joan. Li'l Sebastian isn't bad either.

Did you get your breasts done? You look amazing. / Yes, thanks for noticing.

And when it does, I'm gonna be there to give you a foot massage... To completion.

Wow, that is a shockingly huge mini horse erection.

Uh, somebody left the gate open and he got out, Jerry! / What are you talking about? / Unbelievable. Another in a long string of miserable failures. You lost Li'l Sebastian! / I wasn't even here! / Exactly.

Yeah, Jerry. He's right here in my pocket.

If they're missing this long, they're usually dead. / Well, if that's true, then you're gonna have to answer to the whole town. And God.

What portion of this camping trip will take place outside? - All of it. - Pass.

What if we're scaling a cliff and I start to fall? Can I grab onto your boob for support?

Skymall! Come check out my tent. I ordered a bunch of crap off Skymall.

This is actually a dog couch, but it's super comfortable.

Oh, I know this one. They are all rap-pists. - Oh, my God, they're Rappers, Jerry!

That's what I'm calling my tent.

That's a good stopping point.

I just return it the next day and claim it was defective. The key is crying a lot. No one likes to hear a grown man cry.

And then my hand accidentally went in the panini press!

Los Angeles, season one, isn't gonna watch itself.

I miss my canopy bed.

Chocolate or butterscotch? - Uh, swirl me.

No! I was Tivoing Cupcake Wars.

This place is the exact opposite of Skymall.

You know what, Jerry? I make fun of you a lot, but credit where credit is due. You know, I like how the... Damn it. I was so close. It's a terrible shirt.

So are you going on, like, a year-long walking tour of the set of The Lord of the Rings in New Zealand?

Are you sick? Are you terminal? Is it like that movie A Walk to Remember?

You get drunk. You make speeches. And you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid, usually standing from behind.

Are there any strippers here? Former strippers? Non-dancers but you're feeling a little bit drunk?

How can anyone ever possibly top that? Am I right? So thank you all for all the talking. Let's just get back to dancing, huh?

I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a Z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky-chicky parm-parm. Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks food rakes.

First wish? I have a huge house with a ton of balconies. And I would just stand out there and survey my empire, like a drug dealer in a Michael Bay movie.

Okay. I'm the CEO of the Spike TV network. And my best friend slash personal assistant is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx. And we create a raunchy animated series based on our friendship, called Tommy and the Foxx.

They remake Point Break. I play both roles. Keanu and Swayze.

I once kissed a girl in college. Eight. Where I graduated summa cum laude in history. One. Zero. Negative a billion. Don't talk about it anymore, please.

98% match. Soul mate-level match. You wanna date me! This is a date!

Leslie Knope, Tom Haverford / Dating in the day, dating in the night / Dating all day 'cause he's keeping it tight / All right, Tom. Enough. / Dating in the car, dating on the floor / Dating everywhere 'cause she wants some more

Oh, this is perfect for us. Three-bedroom, and... Oh, God, Les. It has that dream closet you've always wanted. A walk-in closet.

Hey, hey, boo. What's wrong? Where did you go? Come back to me. I need you, boo.

You know what else gets people's heart rate up? Doing it. Talking about sex with my boss.

I can't fight this feeling anymore. You and I, we're dating. You should be so lucky.

They should fix that.

Girl likes Indian food. What can I say?

And as much as it pains me to admit this, it was not disgusting. I'm just saying. She knows what to do. It was stirring. It felt like...

I made 26 profiles, each designed to attract a different type of girl. Tom A. Haverford. Sporty and sexy. Tom B. Haverford, smooth and soulful. Which letter did you get? N, Tom N. Haverford. The N stands for nerd!

Tom N. Haverford collects globes. Great. That's enough. His favorite movie is books.

How hot is the woman that's looking for a place to stay? - No, it's me. I'm looking. - Oh, come on, that's not fair. You shouldn't have led me to believe it was a beautiful woman.

I wish I could help you out, Benihana, but I can't.

I have a ritual, and it starts on the couch. - Ecch. - We sit down. - Okay. Yep. - Clap my hands. - Lights dim. - I understand. - Boyz II Men... - Please stop. - Fades in. - Nope. Nope.

So for my painting, I chose one of my very favorite Greek myths-- the centaur goddess Dyaphena slaying a great stag. - It's, uh, stunning. - It's breathtaking, Jerry. - Yeah. Really is. - Wow. Thanks, guys.

That's what you see when you close your eyes at night, Jerry-- topless Leslie glued to a horse.

Oh, my God. The baby is Tom. What? This is easily my favorite painting ever. What the hell, Jerry? Look at my potbelly. I look like a pregnant baby! And why am I so scared?

In one brushstroke, Jerry has killed the Jay-Z vibe that's taken me years to cultivate and replaced it with a fat, brown, baby vibe, which is not as cool of a vibe.

That's you in the painting. You're the fat baby! Aww... that's so cute. - Oh, you're into that? - No.

Please let the record reflect that the fat baby is referring to the painting. Hey! I am not a fat baby. I'm a small, slender man-- similar to actor Taye Diggs.

Is your penis between the front arms or the back legs? - Yeah, where's your penis? - Damn it, Jerry!

And poundcake... am I right?

And that's coming from someone who has a Mercedes... With a Harman Kardon Logic 7 surround-sound system.

They had a valet.

What, did you just come from the stables? - Yes. I was just at the stables.

Did you guys get your public forum gift bag? There's an iPod touch in here.

And if you have any job openings, maybe you should let me know about 'em. [...] I'm sick of being treated like I'm not willing to relocate to Eagleton, because I am!

You might have a fancy car and a mahogany purse, or whatever rich people have,

I mix a bunch of alcohol together, I add some sugar and coffee and some other junk, and it kind of tastes like Kahlua.

Done-zo list explanation and escalation

Jerry, you'll be playing a boring beer drinker. Your name will be Jerry.

'Ca-razy.' Like 'crazy.'

I got to admit, I thought your costume would maybe be a little bit sluttier.

Tom's rapid-fire terrible business ideas list

If you don't, I'll shave Jean-Ralphio's head. / Yeah, I'd like to see that.

It's 140 proof, which means it's 70% alcohol. But don't worry. There's plenty of caffeine in it to keep you awake.

You know what? Snitches get stitches.

It's like when Vin did Boiler Room. That's what led to him being xXx and doing Furious.

I'm your boss. That's a good one, Ron.

I developed a dope new game show where I ask couples scandalous questions, and they have to guess what the other one answered. I call this Know Ya Boo.

My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing, with Nick Cannon, which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.

Spike, G4, GSN, Fuse, WOW, Boom, Zip, Kablam, Slurp, Slurp Latin, Slurp HD.

and with me as always is my CGI puppy co-host, Bobby the Boo! Hey, everybody!

Booyah! Somebody don't know their boo! That's the sound bite that's gonna play when a fight breaks out.

Back of my Benz? Let's check in with your boo! He said, 'Her Mercedes'! Jerry and Donna on fire.

You figured out April's trying to trick you. That's worth 100 points.

I did recently sell my Chronicles of Riddick DVD on eBay for $10. Used the profits to buy the Blu-ray.

I saw someone buy crystal meth out of a vending machine. It's a bad place.

There's a whole room on the fourth floor where they store the knives they've confiscated from people who went to the fourth floor to stab someone.

Remind me next time to ask her where she was when Lincoln got shot.

How? By shining down on them with the Haverford charm ray.

Julianne Moore just called. She wants her hair back. Nobody named Julien called.

And, two, will you please invite me to your 30th birthday party?

This is it for certain, okay? I create a game show. Two people on stage, right? They flip a coin. One of them has to perform open-heart surgery. The other one has to receive open-heart surgery. We call it Open-Heart Surgery.

How about this? You buy a Gulfstream G-IV jet. Already interested. Take the wheels off. Get 'em off of there. Turn the jet into an apartment building. People could live inside their own private jet.

I got it. What are you amazing at? I know it. We both know it, let's just say it at the same time. Creating spectacles. ...spectacles.

Entertainment 7Twenty... 'Cause you're willing to go around the world twice for your clients. That is unbelievable!

That's weird. Must be a typo. Yeah, Jerry, it's probably a typo, because it probably should've said, 'You have a cube butt.' 'Cause your butt's shaped like a cube.

Jean-Ralphio is a clown. This is the memorial for Li'I Sebastian, not double-coupon night at a strip club. First off, double-coupon night is an incredible value.

Which one floats your penis? They're all black. Maybe to the layman, Jerry. Obsidian, onyx, midnight, lost soul, rolling blackout, sleeping panther, and void by Armani.

I'm Thelma, you're Louise. You can't die full of regret. Why don't you live your life like that cow from the video? He was a horse. Yeah.

Why do we keep our petty cash in a clear plastic toilet bowl? I don't know, maybe 'cause we're... Flush with cash

Warning. High levels of swagger coming through.

What exactly do we do? Let's just say, it's too hard to explain.

Donna, you look amazing. How are the kids? I don't have kids. Wow. How long has it been? Three weeks.

Black print, black background. It's the coolest possible color scheme. It's also a strong magnet, so keep it out of your wallet. It will destroy your credit cards. Guaranteed.

You think Bethenny Frankel sits behind a desk all day? She makes $100 million a year. How much do you make a year? $101 million.

That's not what my company does. Although, maybe we'll start.

It's almost too easy. I can hear you. I know you can, Ben. That's how easy it is

NBA's on strike, so we got him for only, like, 75% of his original NBA salary

Do you want to know how we make money? By literally printing our own money

We're here to serve you, friend. I hope the rest of your day is cool beans

Don't forget to grab a free iPad on your way out. He didn't even grab one

I brought some Entertainment 720 pillowcases for your pillow. Never Stop Dreaming. Tom Haverford. I never do. Chris Traeger. Respect. Game recognize game.

The Time-Traveler's Optometrist, by Pawnee's own Penelope Foster. A heartwarming story about a caveman eye doctor who travels to present-day Cincinnati and can see everything but love.

Unreadable. Then, Joan slaps her sticker on it. Best-seller four years in a row.

At the risk of bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man, is me, smiling and taking partial credit.

Joan's a married woman. She wants what she can't have. It's a game of cat and mouse.

Is she going to powder her vagina?

It's not about the business anymore, man. She's a disaster. We've got to make sure she gets home safe.

Say what you will about Joan, but she knows how to decorate a bedroom. Wow. Oh, my God. Where the hell am I? I just want to see how soft these sheets are. One second. Tom. No. Come on. Let's go.

Well, thank you for getting me home last night. I wasn't feeling very well. Because of some bad seafood that I ate. Yes. That's probably what it was.

D.J. Bluntz is in the building / Here to announce that Tom Haverford is in the building

Donatella. T-Mobile. Three words for you. 'Treat.' 'Yo.' 'Self.'

He's like a skinny, little rubber band that's about to snap in half.

Oh, Lord. Is he eating soup on a bench alone?

Listen to me, Bento Box

I'm a cashmere-velvet candy cane.

This is a whole new level of nerd.

There's chicken-heads everywhere, Ben. Chicken-heads all around this mall. You're going to find one and you're going to be great.

Why so serious?

I really am amazing.

Ted Flirtman or Rex Baggs... I made up both those names.

It's always been a dream of mine to be a rug, and it's finally happened.

The details. Most people would probably say the deets. I say the 'tails. Just one example of innovation.

My company is bankrupt, okay? Entertainment 720 is dead.

I don't know. I guess I just didn't moisturize enough this morning... With the company, Tom.

Well, hindsight is 20/20. Kind of seems like regular sight should have caught that one.

Peter Gabriel leaves Genesis.

You started out with $450,000. Entertainment 720 is dead. It's up in company heaven. Along with Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves.

My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.

The entire party is a VIP area. There's also a double VIP area. A triple VIP area. And a Centurion Club Elite VIP area. Sponsored by SoBe Lifewater. No one is allowed in there. Not even us.

What up, Keith? He actually once tossed me out of a club three years ago. Water under the bridge.

Oh, thank God. No one shows up to a good party on time. If anyone had actually shown up right now, the whole party would have been ruined. Would have been a disaster.

It's a grand experiment, and I am a party scientist.

Look, if you ask me, Enron is down but not out. Who doesn't like a comeback story?

I was the first person to abbreviate Parks and Recreation Department. First it was Parks and Recreation. Then Parks and Rec. Then P&R. Then lengthened it just a little bit to... Tommy's place.

A fact is not an anecdote, Gary. Here's an anecdote... Today I met the most boring man in the world. His name was Gary.

Under sex, you wrote... 'Yes. Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha.' Well-played.

I'm like a shark. I don't swim backwards.

There's a Macy's in town? Where's the Macy's in town? I heard they have an amazing cologne sample guy.

Sorry. These are really important.

So, you're saying you want me to choose a new font? Yes, essentially, I'd like you to choose a new font.

I'm more of a Steve Harvey. I dream big, I shake things up, and I always wear dope suits.

Today I'm a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. And the Parks Department is a wrinkly old housewife in her early 30s.

Well, guess what, Jerry. I'm a dreamer. Okay? I dream big. Deal with it.

Thanks. But most of the credit goes to my number four, Jerry.

Where are you looking? Look here, focus here. Get the files in the drawer, and then get all the file boxes in the office. Put the files in the drawer. Let's go. - No. - Okay, I'll go with him.

Did Tom Ford turn around the House of Gucci? I do not know, but I'll assume that that is a yes.

How long were you two lovers? - Excuse me? - Oh, God.

No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt.

In 1856, the city council banned all sexual positions except for missionary. And two years later, they banned missionary.

Bribing someone to hide a sexcapade-- I'm proud to call you a friend.

Actually, my real name is Gary. Gary? On my first day here, the old director-- he called me Jerry, and I just didn't think I should correct him.

Gary Gergich? Jerry Gergich. Gary Gergich. Jerry-- God, they're both horrible. But Jerry's better. I'm gonna call you Jerry.

I know you're sad you couldn't get tickets to the 'Watch the Throne' tour, so I got you a watch and a tiny throne instead.

She even took out the dumb clock part and put this in... 'Baller Time.'

Did you just scoop it out of the jar with your hand like a bear? Yes.

My latest attempt to drag this department into the 20th century. Tom, it's the 21st century. I know. I'd settle for getting you into the 20th.

'Ben'... And much larger, 'Ann.' She definitely loves Ann.

When I was trying to decide how to decorate my office, I had to ask myself, 'what kind of candy should I choose?' Obviously chocolate, 'cause I'm sweet, smooth, and the ladies love me.

I didn't have time to make it into anything, and please don't eat it 'cause it cost $55 an ounce.

Well, well, well. Look who's ahead of the curve. I was joking. You should soak that in bleach and burn it.

Do your carpets match your drapes?

Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet.

I couldn't afford enough premium carpet to get us to the stage. I mean, it was a short walk, but it was pretty luxurious, right?

Ron? Ron? There's no stairs. How do I get onto the stage?

NO ONE'S THINKING THAT.

THAT IS LITERALLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NAME I HAVE EVER HEARD.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. I CANNOT BE STOPPED. * COME ON NOW GET SOME MONEY * * COME ON, APRIL GET AN EARPIECE * * COME ON DO IT *

TYPE IN 'T REX' FOR ME. NO, NO, NO. UM, 'T-BOZ.' WAIT, WAIT. 'TOMMY TSUNAMI.' NO, 'TICKY TICKY TOM-TOM.' NO, 'FLY GUY.'

CLASSIC. TIMELESS. I LOVE IT.

WHAT THE [bleep]?

MY FINGER WAS IN THERE. RON CRUSHED MY FINGER. I THINK IT MIGHT BE BROKEN.

YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE. YOU'RE JEALOUS OF MY GIFT.

$20? THANK YOU. UH, YOU KNOW, WE'RE REALLY LOOKING FOR DONATIONS MORE IN THE $10,000 RANGE.

WOW, YOU AND ME, HUH? HURT 'FINGIES.'

WHOO! KING KONG AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON ME. OW, MY 'FINGIE' STILL HURTS.

Quick question about Ann. Does anyone know if she has any Indian in her? No one respond. No one say anything. Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her. Silence. I don't think she does. Would she like some?

Where to begin? I'm an amateur juggler. Nope, you shouldn't have begun there. Get out. No one's trying to get with jugglers.

Then, we go back to my place and snuggle up like little bunnies. Yeah, this was a mistake.

Oh, God! Hey, Boo Boo Bear. What did you just call me? Boo Boo Bear. It's one of several nicknames I made up for you.

We have Cookie Tush... Wow. Just right out the gate. Winnie the Boo, Lady Presh Presh, Annberry Sauce, Annie Get Your Boo, Tommy's Girl, Annie Banannie...

What are you doing? Is this not one of those? I might have misread the vibe.

I feel like you're embarrassed by me. That is accurate.

Am I in a relationship? It's complicated.

So if you happen to see any memorabilia laying around, kindly and discreetly discard it. You got it, Duke. Don't call me that.

I'm sorry. But you are too hot to hide, Ann. This is on you.

I don't want to brag, but I have a ton of experience with women being mad at me.

Ann, I caught feelings for you. And I want you to be my girl. And I don't care who knows.

Haverford Playbook move number two. Ladies love a guy waiting for them in the rain.

Ann? Boo Boo?

What happened to you? I was waiting outside in the rain for you. Because I thought you would come out and be like, 'Oh, he's all wet. That's so romantic.' But you didn't. What on earth would make you think I would like that? Movies.

Where is that saxophone coming from? I don't know. I don't know the first thing about music.

(SINGING) Baby, I'm sorry for how I acted But if you give me another chance I could be the boo of your dreams, girl So when you're sleeping and you're dreaming of a boo I want that boo to be me

The four sweetest words in the English language. 'You wore me down.'

Hold up, hold up, hold up. Hold up, hold up, wait. That's you.

So I'm 'Tommy's girl,' and you're just 'Tom'? Why not 'Ann's man'? Nobody owns me, cupcake, not even you.

We put the hats on-- Don't say it. We take everything else off.

These Kangol hats are exactly like the one Samuel L. Jackson wore to the Latin Grammys. How could she not like them?

Ginuwine's my cousin. Ginuwine? The Ginuwine is your cousin?

Ginuwine is Ginuwine. He's Ginuwine.

Not loving '90s R&B music is number three on the 'oh-no-nos' list.

Ann, I'm at 600. Are you really not stopping me? I have those cotton t-shirt sheets. Huh?

She's never seen a single Paul Walker movie? That's a huge 'oh-no-no.' She also 'doesn't care' about Blu-ray? She's a monster.

I own more pairs of Uggs than she does.

Everything you just said makes me like me more.

It's also about Ann and I getting back together and being the hottest couple in Pawnee. I'd also like to announce our official relationship mash-up name. It's 'Tan.' To Tan.

Full disclosure. Ann and I are romantically intertwined. Oh, God. So let's not be surprised if she picks my idea.

This... is the Voss Water Butler by Tumi. And only $600 a bag.

Help, everything I'm wearing is suede! Everything I'm wearing is suede, everything I'm wearing is suede!

I think Ben's already filling the Leslie void. Oh! Oh! I'll give it up for that.

Do you know who the president of boring club is? Me? Nope... You lost the election 'cause your speech was too boring.

I still had eight hours rental time on that hot-tub limousine

What about a cologne that can kill spiders?

The Beer-yonce Knowles. It's just a regular beer, but we put it in a sexy-ass mug.

Pairs nicely with the Jay-Zima. We bought a bunch of Zima when the factory shut down.

Don't want none of that animal dander interacting with this cashmere.

That's why it's stupid to work hard.

What is that photo? That must come pre-loaded in there or something.

Leave it messy. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Life is garbage.

So we're up in the club. It's me! We're dancing. We're sweating. Let's just say we got to second that night. Kind of. Me so horny.

I guess she's just afraid of how powerful her feelings are.

And we all know the better-looking a park is, the more attention it will get from lady parks who want to have sex with it.

Please. Vote for me to be your boyfriend.

I'll take it. And you know what else? I'm coming for you, girl...Just...Like...You...Want.

Leslie Knope is scrappy like a terrier. She's smoooooth like a blended whiskey. My girl has big ideas and big feelings, and she's not afraid to express 'em.

I have a business idea for a gourmet alcoholic yogurt. I call it... Yogurt platinum.

This isn't a bagel.

It is no longer a 'Pimps and Hoes' pajama party.

That idea was nixed by a certain uptight nerd who shall remain nameless.

Me, Drake, and the T-Mobile girl were playing baccarat on a private jet. Ann Perkins walks up to me, and she says, 'Tommy, tomorrow night, I'm taking you back.'

Then, Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and gave me $40 million.

I picked the wrong week to do a juice cleanse.

You're going to throw the Leslie Knope Employment Enjoyment SummerSlam Grill Jam Fun-splosion?

Parks and Dolls! I got your park right here / Its name is Ramsett Park / And its gates are open from dawn till dark

His name is Tom. Burn. Seriously? No, I understand that it's hilarious. But that is his given Christian name.

It feels like I just exercised. Just sit on the ground. No, Jerry. It's dirty and I'm wearing my summer linens.

That's not a picnic blanket. That's a merino wool throw for my Eames chair.

Ann and Tom, A.K.A. Haverkins, is stronger than ever.

Let's move in together. Totally. No take-backs when we sober up, though, partner. No take-backs, partner.

More importantly, I bet Donna $1,000 that we'd be together for another month. I can't stress this enough. If she finds out that we broke up, I'll go bankrupt.

Tommy's got the tum-rums.

I smuggled in some candy. Oh, thank God. I'm starving. Raisins? It's nature's candy.

Did you put glitter in the laundry detergent? Oh, Yeah. I'm experimenting with some new entrepreneurial ideas. That one is called 'SparkleSuds. Dress Loud.'

This morning, you put glitter in the butter. 'Disco Dairy. Spread the Party.' No, that's not a good idea. That's terrible.

I put glitter in all your moisturizers and lotions. I'm calling it 'SparkleSkin by Annie. Twinkle, Twinkle, Big Star.'

Orange racing stripe. It's a perfect recreation of Han lue's Nissan in The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift. Weirdly, so far, no one has noticed.

They found nothing. Nothing? Nothing. The silent killer.

That's too much, Jerry. For real. Keep us out your bedroom.

I don't know how to answer that.

You can really taste the ignorance. / It's pronounced 'anchovies.'

What country is he from? / Iceland.

And the Tommy Haverford member's chair.

I need to get on webMD now! I need a iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy, something with 4G.

'Tommy-edamame' is back on the grid. Tell everyone to light me up with their dijjies, gotta load 'em into my burner.

Jerry, God. Gross. / Oh... Jerry? / Guys, I-- / Oh, God, I think he might be having a heart attack.

Oh, geez! Did a dinosaur just fart? / Jerry, get a grip. / Sorry, guys. / Ugh! Apology not accepted. / Stop talking, moron. / I wish I could stop smelling. / Dude. / Seriously, Jerry, did you eat farts for lunch?

I just want to hear the doctor say that Jerry had a fart attack. Is that too much to ask?

You can't sell clothes at a tag sale for more than they're worth. / Um, watch me.

Rent-a-swag.

You guys pretend you're Ron Swanson, and you're trying to decide whether you want to invest in this company. Be super critical. You're short.

Parents, are you tired of watching your middle-school-aged children grow out of the nice clothes you buy for them? Then rent them from Rent A Swag.

Well, sure, in a wrestling match, Kirk would win. But, overall, who would you rather have at the helm of your Sovereign-class starship? Jean-Luc Picard. No contest.

Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Looks and Professor Books. He's Looks. I got it.

We specialize in making stacks on stacks on stacks on stacks.

I discovered I'm roughly the same size as the average Pawnee 12-year-old.

Oh, my escargot delivery service, Snail Mail.

Just to clarify, it's a no to me on all fronts, and you're offering Ben a job? Yeah. Cool. Cool.

Not to mention in the last month alone three people have confused me for a shorter, Indian Ryan Gosling.

He sweats. He stutters. It's like The King's Speech, but the first part, before he's fixed.

They have a show about storage unit auctions.

Friends, former lovers, acquaintances, Jerry

Much like women in '90s stand-up comedy routines, Tommy be shopping.

And Louis Vuitton for making some dope-ass cravats.

Donna, you and your work are ravishing, as usual.

Jerry! How's the old ticker? Oh. Well, uh, the rehab is grueling-- Great! Glad to hear it.

One small pizza for all of us. With no toppings. Cheese is a topping, Jerry.

I basically live here now. I hate all of this, which probably means it's good for your business.

Two pizzas. And toppings! Only on half. I'm not Zuckerberg.

I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf

♪ Jerry Dinner ♪ Jerry Dinner

Every time we laugh at something stupid Jerry does, we put a dollar in this box

$516... Aw, jeez! And that's 517

518.

That's hilarious. You should do stand-up. If you're kidding, you suck, but if you're serious, I actually have been thinking about it

Hey, April, Matlock called. He wants his cardigan back. Boom! I'm out

My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue

Oh, my God! Jerry's having a Christmas party! I can't believe he didn't invite us. How dare he! What'd we ever do to him?

It's because of your man strength, Man Perkins

It's cold outside, and I can't wear mittens 'cause they're unflattering to my hands

I thought you weren't coming. I--you know, never got your RSVP... we took up a collection to pay your hospital bills, since you almost farted yourself to death

Now, I know you said no strippers 'cause they make you sad.

If you don't like the Scotch, they have a vodka that's served in the form of a flash of light.

You never had one before you were married to Wendy? No, it was a green card wedding. I did watch the three-way sex scene from Wild Things a few times the night before, but it didn't really count.

Boop! That's me hitting the snooze button. Don't talk again for another ten minutes.

and to my bride, Rihanna. We truly did find love in a hopeless place.

Okay, I know this text you sent me was a lie and Michael Stipe is not actually here, correct? Correct. That was a lie.

I can't keep referring to basketball players as 'Khloe Kardashian's husband and his friends.'

One jock, one geek who loves stats.

Did I do basketball? Kind of.

Tommy for the dunk! My screen!

Tom, what the hell are you doing? I'm pivoting. Ben told me to pivot. I told you you can pivot, not that you can only pivot. Stop pivoting!

I may not know much, but you can't just steal the ball from another player. Hey, aren't you the guy who owns Rent-A-Swag? You suck at basketball, man.

Can I borrow $1,500? You're not allowed to ask what it's for. Fireworks.

We've got everything: Dope suits, pocket squares, Gingham shirts, glasses with no lenses, Tiny cardigans, Fedoras... Look at this watch!

Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy Dutch woman guarding a dark secret.

Number three's told a story-- a story from a book I wouldn't read but I would watch the movie of.

Oh, whoa! Smells like some vomit took a dump in here.

I didn't eat those stupid mini-calzones. Haver-food rule number six-- never eat anything with a sauce I have to dip myself. Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid.

I'm omelet. Get it? 'I'm on it,' 'I'm omelet'?

Okay, I'm heading out. Good-pie. Go. Gurt. Go-gurt. I'm incredible.

Hey! Well, you know what? What? What you got for me? Get out of my kitchen! Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Pardon! Pardon!

That guy's my wife

Steve Harvey vibe or straight-up Seacrest... I'll combine 'em-- Steve-crest

I was gonna beatbox. There's a dance breakdown. I'm talking, like, six guaranteed applause breaks

you mad sweet on that back meat

You ever heard Leslie talk about Ben's butt? I'm all like, 'damn, girl, you mad sweet on that back meat.'

Tom, we got you an autographed portrait of your personal hero. No way! Scott Caan from Hawaii five-0!

Well, it sounds like you guys got it covered. I'm gonna head out. Actually have my own charity to attend to. Tommy's tummy foundation.

It's called the Clean Sheet Foundation. They provide legal assistance to the KKK. This is your pick? Yeah. Can you pass the bonbons?

Tom, do you have to run that right now? Oh, no, Ben! These smoothies will just blend themselves!

Then who is it? Well, he is, uh, sitting right here in this courtyard. That guy? Do you even know him? Oh, my God, Andy, it's you.

These kids are renting my old clothes like they're going out of style. Which they never will.

I once saw her punch a police horse in the face.

And if she murders me, tell Jean-Ralphio to clear my browser history.

We started making out. Hard. Next thing you know, we're back at my place, having sex. We're together now.

Uh, 'Spasm.' No, 'Butter Face'! Very good! Yes!

The man owns a Rolexus. It's a Lexus filled with Rolexes. What's the point of that? To have it, which he does.

If I give as much as I get, I'm giving $20 million. Ay yi yi. That's how much I'm worth, 20...million...dollars.

I think that guy wants to hunt me.

Mr. Feinstein, with all due respect... you are a major dick. / Run!

Rent-A-Swag is gonna donate five cents from every dollar we make this month.

Old things are dumb. It's like, just be new.

"Definitely didn't volunteer. I had much better things to do. Leslie said she'd pay me 100 bucks."

"One time my refrigerator stopped working, I didn't know what to do. I just moved."

Look at my hoop, Leslie. Look at my hoop!

The only ones he gets are spam. And he responds to them.

Can you believe it? Only six months left until I retire. / What did Jerry say? / Jerry was here?

Every place I've ever worked in has had a 'Jerry.' When one Jerry leaves, the office naturally selects a new Jerry to fill that role. It's Social Darwinism.

Well, I guess that settles who the new Jerry is. No, it doesn't! I barely even said it wrong.

Ronfire of the vanities.

Interns cost nothing to the taxpayer. And more importantly, they're usually stupid and terrible. So they get no work done. It's like a Jerry you don't have to pay.

Filo Pilo ruined the cake. Classic Pilo. What how is that my fault? Stupid Jerry. Should have never saved his life.

Actually, I quit football senior year so I could help my pastor run a homeless shelter. Oh. Pfftt! This guy loves the homeless so much, he should marry them, right?

This guy loves the homeless so much, he should marry them, right?

I already was Jerry. I was a skinny Indian kid in South Carolina, and it sucked. It took me 12 years, but I reinvented myself. I'm a business owner. I wear dope suits. I have fur underwear.

Classic new guy.

Hey, baby, can I borrow your car for a month? I already lent you my car. Do you not know where my car is? Ugh, I'm so sick of the third degree. It's like dating a cop.

Dating Mona-Lisa is awesome. Except that I live in constant fear for my life.

Calm down, Ann. You're proving my point.

She once jumped out of a moving car to buy a Nicki Minaj poster.

She covered me in glitter and Anna Nicole body spray. Why do they still even make that? They don't--she's had the same bottle for years. She just mixes in water and baby oil.

You guys want a threesome. What? No. We do not wanna have a threesome with you. Well, let's not rush to judgment. I mean, I say we hear her out.

She then pretends those are ecstasy and sells it to a bunch of college kids that are drinking Goldschläger at a gas station.

He'll be back in eight minutes.

I don't really have any power in this relationship.

Whoa! Darren! Slow down! That sweat suit's not for sweatin' in, okay? This is crushed velvet. If you go at more than a brisk walk, it will fall apart.

I could add a baby section over there, call it 'Li'l Swaggers.' I could add some old people stuff, call it 'Rent-A-Sag.'

Ugh, no. Old people are gross.

All right, let's set up some boundaries on what's cool for you to say to me, okay?

Babyface heard my demo? I will accept a record deal.

Whoa, Diddy wants to buy Rent-A-Swag?

I've seen the first 90 seconds. It's thrilling.

Someone-- I'm not saying Diddy, but I'm not not saying Diddy-- has offered to buy out Rent-A-Swag for a buttload of money.

I'm talking pedicures on pedicures on pedicures.

God, nobody cares, Gary.

We always use protection... but I'm pretty positive she pokes holes in them.

It's called 'Womb There It Is.' That's her brand.

I'm gonna have a baby with Jean-Ralphio's sister? Oh, God. What have I done? Like, to humanity?

Tommy has his life back! Let's go!

So it's not free?

This sucks, but I have to admit: It's a pretty baller move.

Ann and Chris? What are they doing here?

If you make your omelet out of Faberge eggs, you just might... Be an Eagletonian.

Grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid-- / No grid, no grid, no grid, no grid.

Oh, I've been taking pictures of you all day for my new Facebook album: 'Ronswan: Gettin' off the grid.'

You just vined your first selfie, Ron. And I'm vining you vine your selfie.

'Eagleton: No money, mo' problems.' Fantastic, right?

Not surprised, I'm one of a kind, just like the custom Nikes I designed that say 'Tommy's Tootsies' across the toes.

It's Jerry. No, it's Gary. Your name is Larry, Larry Gengurch. His name is Larry Gengurch.

How did he notice these?

I don't want to put this on your plate. You have a lot to deal with.

After I defeated him in an epic struggle, E.R.I.C. is gone.

Right. Smashing. Uh, yes, I'm Thomas Haverford. I sort of run the whole department.

Brilliant. The old 'D's without 'B's. Uh, we can definitely help. Yeah, Tom's your guy. He actually used to run the Parks Department in his home country of Russia.

This one is mental. She's joking, obviously. How could I be from Russia? Not with this spot-on British accent.

Then there's a picture of a pair of lips and then a picture of an eggplant. I'm both confused, and if we're being totally honest, a little aroused.

Sorry, West Nile, looks like Pawnee wins again. What else have you beaten the Western Nile in? Cricket. Uh...

just fill out these forms, and we will be all set like two biscuits inside a tin.

What happened to your accent? Oh, yeah. It's gone. Huh. You know, I had a cold recently. I think that may have affected my voice, like, in certain British ways.

You have a cold? Can I feel your glands? Sure. Wow, you are wearing a lot of moisturizer on your throat. Best way to prevent crow's neck.

I am in love with Nadia Whatever-her-last-name-is, and I'm gonna keep her here, using the most powerful weapon I have-- bureaucratic incompetence.

Oh, no. You filled out Form 3208. You were supposed to fill out Form 3248. Oh, God. This is to lease a hangar at the airport.

Someone left out a blender, fresh fruits, and rum? I guess we gotta, like, make Daiquiris now. I like to have music on while I work, you know?

What did you name your imaginary airline? 'Jet Blue Ivy.' I figure Jay-Z and Beyonce's kid will own her own airline eventually.

Maybe I can drive you around and we'll pick another one? Maybe I'll bring a picnic lunch. Do you like tamales?

Ann called. She wants her ugly outfit back.

Actually, we're not even playing the same sport. It's kind of like she's in the NBA, and I work in a muffler store next to the stadium.

I'm doing Doctors Without Borders, man. I'm going to Rwanda. / Exactly. That's a stupid vacation.

Yet another professional Indian skee ball player? Right.

Hey, you're supposed to be my lookout. / I thought it would be funnier to watch you get busted.

What about, um, fifty bucks? / Yeah. Just don't tell my boss. / What are you doing, Morris? / Nothing, Mr. Bonderman.

When I was a kid, I taught myself how to make out on this bear. I pretended it was Cockroach from The Cosby Show.

And if I know anything about Rwanda... And I don't. I bet it's full of rich guys who will buy her whatever she wants.

Scientists say the emotions of love and hate are very close to each other. That's what I tell women.

I know conversations like this are hard for you because you still have feelings for me. But you'll land on your feet, kid.

Sorry, Ann. This is on you. You told us to make a memory. / There's your money back. / This is eight dollars.

Yesterday Jaden Smith came in, and he was like, 'Look, I want to quit the music/acting business and work here with you.' And I was like, 'Jaden, be serious. The world needs you. You have a gift.'

Get a big old mug of hot chocolate, put on my thinking PJs, and get back to you.

No matter what happens, you will never acquire my thinking PJs or my YouTube blazer... Nonnegotiable.

Ron, can you put some more tiny marshmallow in my hot chocky?

Ron's in Bloosh! / What? / Ron's in Bloosh? / Ron is in Bloosh! / What is Bloosh?

She spent four months living in Kate Bosworth's pool house.

Annabel says that buying an island is the only real way to know that your goji-berry farm is pesticide-free.

Someone's getting a new leather jacket. / I don't want a leather jacket. / It's for me.

Hey, Ron, baby, what are the hot deets on Bloosh? / Start over and speak differently.

B-13 shots. Bird bath salts. Wha...? Champagne decanters!

My gravestone's gonna be a 60-inch touchscreen with a hologram of four mes singing End of the Road by Boyz II Men... But point taken.

Ron said there's nothing more valuable than my name, but he's not a businessman. I am.

"Run"? Tommy doesn't run. That's your guys' job. Now, uh, let's go fetch this football throw, fellas.

This morning I saw a YouTube clip of a little puppy riding a motorcycle. So my bar for "stunning" is pretty high.

Then I would tell you the puppy had a little side car with a piggy in it named Hampton.

Oh, my God. He's not wearing any pants. What's wrong with him? Let's get out of here. He's smiling at us! Let's go! Run!

What's he gonna be in ten years--Snoop Laser Snake?

Welcome to T-dazzle. It's not a chemical. It's an aquatic-based social-media oral experience.

Did you bring those with you just to do that? Maybe. Damn. It is a baller move.

You're beautiful, yet cold and aloof. You pride yourself on being a loner. You do not obey, you choose to cooperate. And when you stop baring your fangs to pick a mate, it's for life. And you're fiercely loyal to your pack, which makes you a rare black Siberian husky.

Favorite book? Downton Abbey. That's not a-- Downton... Abbey.

You're not a dog. You're a cat.

Well, miss, I think we'd all appreciate it if you just swallowed a teaspoon of hush.

I'm like Picasso meets Michael Jordan. I can paint, but, uh, I can also be a world-class gambler.

I'm like Picasso meets Michael Jordan. I can paint, but, uh, I can also be a world-class gambler.

For sale. Small house. Location: Forest. It's a little wordy, don't you think?

The question I always ask myself is, what kind of mogul should I be? Fashion mogul, energy drink mogul. I even thought about downhill skiing. A mogul mogul.

For the fireplace, I'm thinking fake antlers. But what kind of scarves do we want to hang off the fake antlers?

Trees are sticky, and they got bugs in them.

I heard that Dave Eggers wrote a short story about this tape cassette that he found under that tree over there.

Larry, this is part of a real estate transaction now. You have no legal claim to it.

Wine is crying juice.

What if I gave you 5 bucks to put a bag of poop in Saperstein's car?

Counter-offer: Why don't you just do it for the story?

No, it's not, you boring grandpa.

Basically, if you're older than me, you're a grandpa. And if you are a grandpa, you're dead.

Come on, time is money, money is power, power is pizza, pizza is knowledge. Let's go.

Three words: Automated word counter. Get out. Two. Words. No. One. Word.

I'm not gonna buy that thing. It's covered in a gallon of your boogers.

Whatever. You just merged your department with parks then made up your own title.

I'm empty, yo. Fill me up. / Do that again.

That's how I enter rooms now. It's more dramatic.

Spirit dogs chart showing everyone's assigned dog breeds

Classic border collie. Has to control everything

Can I get a what-what? What? What? Thank you

Champagne app that pops whenever I say something awesome

I know. And it was only 9 bucks

Everyone is a blue flyer except Ron

Step one: Chill out a bit. Step two: Get up there and rip it

Big kangaroo.

Whose hair is that? It's brown

Second of all, who uses mousse still?

He picked up the laser and stared right into it

Hey. Rip it

I can't wash my face with hand soap. Look at these pores. They're gaping.

It's the whine & cheese club, gorgeous.

A picture of me officiating Leslie and Ben's wedding. And look, you can just about see my head.

Tell Ann about the groundbreaking, frame Ann for murder, release a deadly virus into the water supply.

I say we start with the three 'C's,' cashmere, concert tickets, caboodles of cash. I feel like those are perfect gifts for you. Those are perfect gifts for anyone.

I'm deleting you from my phone. You're finally free of my animal magnetism. Maybe one day years from now when we're both old and Chris is dead, you'll run into me somewhere. I'll be opening my latest mega club. I'll see you there on the street by yourself and I'll tell the bouncer/my bodyguard, 'Hey, that woman's way too old to get into this club, but why don't you let her in the back?'

We tell him we had the perfect gift, but we were robbed at gunpoint. 'Chris, he had a gun. He took all the gifts.' Now Chris feels bad, he's buying us gifts. Next thing you know, Tommy's got a new watch.

Podcasts are great. Radio is boring.

They're like the old version of iTunes. We're like the new version of iTunes, baby. We're gonna be here forever. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die someday.

They eat, they sleep, they complain, and they watch Family Feud. Oh, my God, I wanna be an old person.

'Grant Larson,' otherwise known as Elton John.

And dork-asaurus over here is gonna handle the boring stuff. / You said you genuinely valued my business acumen. / Also, I'm your boss.

The kool-aid guy makes it look so easy.

I may have a few eggs ready to hatch in the personal idea nest.

Lasik for fingernails? Cut your fingernails once, never have to cut 'em again.

'Saltweens!' Saltines for tweens.

'Saltweens!' Saltines for tweens.

No, I'm not. But I do have an idea.

This is so boring! This is like listening to a TED talk by the color beige.

Ben! You brought the wrong easel. God! Can't take this guy anywhere.

So as of now, you own zero shares.

Everyone ignores Ben's proud presentation of the website features to focus entirely on a panda mascot playing ping-pong

I'm kind of like a skinny, handsome, Indian Mario Batali... who doesn't know how to cook.

Things used to make me so happy. But I've grown a lot in the last year. Now I just want one big thing, my own restaurant, named after me, that makes me so much money I can buy anything I want.

Is the tent guy left-handed or right-handed? I just need to know which way to part my hair to get us a better price. It's a business theory I'm working on.

A straightforward deal? Why didn't you tell me? I don't have my straightforward deal fedora on me. We gotta stop by my storage unit on the way up.

Remember you said that when Larry's farting up the car.

Oh, my God, Larry. Your tuna fish sandwich stunk up my suit. Gayle made it for me. Irrelevant.

What's the price now? $80 more. I liked it better the other way. Does have an effect, though.

It's called Sweaty Roger's Pants Tent.

Second of all, I got a Tin Cup Blu-Ray itching for a Rene Russo signature.

God! Can you just be cool for one second?

Your inhaler is hidden under the pile of pistachio shells on my desk, obviously.

Aw, did you want to DJ, little puppy? I didn't know that little puppies could operate an iPod with their little puppy paws.

I thought we as a culture agreed to forget the year that everyone was into swing.

Because every single song you own is a banger? Every song I download has to pass a series of rigorous tests to answer one simple question: Is it a banger?

I once accidentally downloaded a Lumineers song. I had to throw away my whole computer just to be safe.

Sometimes it's really hard to be friends with you.

DJ Robo Drop.

Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you throw them in the garbage?

My date was pretty pissed, but, uh, I looked fly as hell.

What's grizzledump, Ben? What's grizzledump?

Might as well start wearing a plaid shirt and a tie and khakis and whatever shoes you're wearing.

Yeah. You're old as shit.

Chipp McCapp fan explanation: 'We are huge Chippmunks. That's what his fans call themselves. I don't know why.'

Tom's restaurant philosophy: 'People that convince other people to buy expensive stuff they don't need. Those are the real heroes.'

Tom: 'I started with two cool people and I ended up with a bunch of grandpas.'

Tom to group: 'You're already doing it. I begged you.'

Land Ho album title: 'We'll Never Reunite'

Tom's introduction: 'Tom Haverford. Owner, operator, and global ambassador for Tom's Bistro'

Tom: 'He's basically the Bruno Mars of Indiana amateur wine tasting.'

Tom's reaction: 'That is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.'

Tom: 'You know I picked up a little French-Canadian when I dated that Montreal Expo.'

Tom: 'Okay, don't act like you don't know the word "thing."'

Tom salary negotiation: 'I'll double whatever he's paying you... I will pay you one-tenth of whatever he's paying you.'

Wow. I've never worked hard on anything. What a cool life!

From now on, everyone call me Kristen. Because I am wigging out right now!

They're not even done painting that sign. It says 'Tom's bi.'

Dwayne 'The Rock' Swanson.

Please, Ron? I've never asked you for anything today.

Fine, but if he raises his voice once, once, I'm out. Please don't stick to that policy.

What are these pictures? Oh, geez, I must have given the printer the wrong flash drive. What is this, a rotten grapefruit? No, it's my dog's rectum.

Larry? Larry. Larry. Listen to me. This is the worst thing you've ever done.

Well, I hate doing work, but I love being flattered, so maybe I'll give it another try.

Wow. I've never worked hard on anything. What a cool life!

From now on, everyone call me Kristen. Because I am wigging out right now!

They're not even done painting that sign. It says 'Tom's bi.'

Please, Ron? I've never asked you for anything today.

Please don't stick to that policy.

What is this, a rotten grapefruit? No, it's my dog's rectum.

This is the worst thing you've ever done.

Restaurant superstition, breaking a glass on the first night is good luck.

When I was a kid and things didn't go my way, I would just take my ball and go home. That's better than winning, 'cause then, your friends can't play anymore!

Well, I hate doing work, but I love being flattered, so maybe I'll give it another try.

Because you currently owe me $16,000. For the wood. What?

It's 9:00 in the morning. What? It's not a four-way.

No! Your father ruined my last business. Why would you bring him here? Mmm, because you told me to look for VIPs and my daddy is the Vl-est PI know.

Excuse me, Miss Hanley? Do you mind if I snap a 'You-ie'? It's what I call selfies of other people.

Who is Tom Haverford? He's a mentor, a lover, a hero. But who is my hero? Simple. It's me five years from now.

You are looking at one of Indiana Business Monthly's 35 under 35. I own Pawnee's hottest restaurant, two fast casual eateries, and the Tommy Chopper. We serve chopped salads out of a decommissioned military helicopter.

Wanna wake me up when you're done boring us to death, am I right, Janet? Write down that I'm funny.

So I'm kind of totally on Ron's side.

Unless you're talking about a map of the cities with the most obese pets.

And that man was me. Tom Haverford, owner and proprietor of the effortlessly chic, celebrity-packed Italian restaurant, Tom's Bistro.

And I say, 'Not for me. I'm pretty amazing at being humble.'

And I say, 'Not for me. I'm pretty amazing at being humble.'

Truth is they didn't ask me to introduce you. I asked them if I could do it.

Tom. What does culinary mean? It means it's a cause for celebration.

I must be the first person ever to have money, power, and notoriety, but still feel empty.

That's my cousin. How about her? That's my dad!

That's what murderers do before they murder someone.

Head coach of the Chicago Bulls. No, he's working at a non-profit. No. What? Am I?

You can watch Hitch 2 anytime, anywhere! Finally! That's the dream.

Come work for me in Pawnee?

Hey, this is why they call it Beantown, huh?

I always just put six. So far, so good. Dude, you are totally going to jail.

The sales for Chick-fil-A went through the roof once Elton John bought them.

Bloosh has won the Pulitzer Prize for best top ten listicle two years in a row.

Toddler cologne. Baby, you smell good.

That's milk. No. Milk costs $3 a gallon. Annabel's authentic, hand-strained teat-to-table Beef Milk? That costs $60 a gallon.

That feud is, like, Biggie-Tupac level. Maybe even Morgan Freeman-Shailene Woodley level. Naw. It's bad, but it's not that bad.

Maybe even Morgan Freeman-Shailene Woodley level. Naw. It's bad, but it's not that bad.

Actually, that might work. Have we tried that?

What? You're done?

so I don't think about the marathon bone sesh they're probably having

and his stupid crunches that he probably does

Ow! Andy, my tum tum!

It's like a chef at a restaurant, making all the food, and then the owner gets a profit-- which is my other job!

Pep Wiley, Chuck Warschank, Selena Gomez--I made them. You discovered Selena Gomez? Different Selena Gomez.

Do you want to eat at my restaurant for free? Every week, you could come once a week, and it's free.

talk about that shade Nicki Minaj threw at Jesse Eisenberg at the BAFTA awards. No. he didn't! Uh, settle in, because I have some very strong feelings about this.

That's why I'm about to give her a surprise bigger than when LeBron went back to Miami.

Treat Yo' Self. Treat Yo' Self 2017!

I still don't know what's happening. / So, what's happening? / Treat Yo' Self! / Not an answer to my question.

Well, breakups are famously super fun and make everyone feel awesome. So, it's no different.

You should come to the wedding and do paperwork.

Today is about one thing. Things. Things, Donna! Our favorite.

I would like three big-ass diamonds surrounded by their own set of tiny-ass diamonds.

Treat yo' self.

Bogdano-delish.

I was secretly hoping you got me the shoes Jaden Smith wears in Hitch 2: Son of a Hitch.

Josh Groban! He's eating his own sushi! That's the most baller thing I've ever seen!

You've been hoaxed! You've been Tommy-ed!

Uh, yes. Warm it up, please.

As Donna's Butler of Honor, I'm going all out. Baby blue brocade.

As a surprise, I got a matching dress for Lucy.

100%! We're so in sync.

I finally feel like I'm with the person I'm gonna be with forever. I'd marry her tomorrow.

Control yourselves, Gergiches!

That's what you took away from this?

I am a liar. Well, no, I am not a liar. I have never lied about anything in my life. Though I suppose you could construe camouflage as a lie.

Ron does this weird thing where he says exactly what he means.

To me. I own my own restaurant and several other properties. That's always worth celebrating.

Ha ha. That's your new name. Garry.

Healthy food is for suckers. It tastes like garbage and if you say you like it, you're a chump and a liar.

This is about people who are moving, Garry. Not everything is about you.

What am I supposed to do with these? Yeah, you're right. I should probably keep them. They're a size 6 1/2. Too small for you anyway.

Shia LaBeouf is one hell of a jewelry designer, by the way. Man's really found his calling.

A multiplatform media experience, an action movie with explosive graphics, fast cars, and a hero with one mission-- to propose to his lady. A hero named... Tom Haverford.

Lucy, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to marry me.

Hey, it's pizza time. And you've lost it.

Can you at least call me Ben? No can do, accounting nerd.

Did you see '10 fast 10 Furious: Tokyo Drift 3?' I did not. No. Well, you might be the only one. It made $2.9 billion.

'Sniper Race Delta: Beijing Inferno.'

But what do we definitely not what to be? A Garry! A Garry! A Garry!

Best wishes. And I mean every word of it.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm out of your league, and you need to move on. What? Sorry. I stopped listening when you called me sugarpea.

I took the quiz in your book about what kind of person I am. I'm a Ron. Ha. I'm usually a Tom, but sometimes, I'm a Don.

3% off. Oh, my God. You're too generous, Tom.