The Trial Of Leslie Knope

Listen, I was trying to buy this hand-crafted mahogany wood model of a B-25 Mitchell Panchito aircraft. - Aw, for me? - Don't sass me.

And I went to this website, and this ad popped up that said 'Hey, Ron Swanson! Check out this great offer.' What's your question? My question is, what the hell?

Dude, if you think that's bad, go to Google Earth and type in your address.

I am, of course, shocked... And not just because Ben usually prefers tall brunettes.

Are you hugging me, or are we fighting? Are you hugging or fighting? Let me know.

I told you we'd feel better.

Well, I wanted to get here early, you know, get a feel of the room. - So you got here-- - 3:00 A.M.

Well, I wanted to sneak in before you got here-- an absurd pipe dream I now realize was impossible.

Aw, thank you so much for making my life so wonderful. - You're welcome. - I was talking to him. - Of course. - But also to you.

For me, a slap on the wrist is like a kick to the nuts.

So, if you miss me, you just look at this... Wrinkled, hideous monster and you'll know I'm sitting there rooting for you, okay?

His nickname was 'Old Stone Face' because of his steely demeanor and because he got in an accident at the rock quarry and dynamite blew up his face.

Well, you're radiating pure joy. I went to my herbalist and got two B-12 shots. And then I ate an unreasonable amount of St. John's wort, and my herbalist took this weird bee pollen paste rubbed it around my gums. And now my mouth feels like a spaceship.

In 1849, Sarah Nelson Quindle exposed her elbow outdoors, which was a class 'A' felony. Although she felt the law unjust, she acknowledged that she had broken it, and she nobly accepted her punishment-- to be set adrift on Lake Michigan like a human popsicle.

The night we returned was the first time we kissed each other on each other's mouths. It was excellent. That was unnecessary to add. I'm sorry. I'm nervous.

I received adorable nicknames and amazing back rubs. Oh, you mean professionally. No.

Andy, I need evidence. - Got it! Wait! You don't know what evidence. Ah, right on. Yes. Hit me.

Where are you looking? Look here, focus here. Get the files in the drawer, and then get all the file boxes in the office. Put the files in the drawer. Let's go. - No. - Okay, I'll go with him.

I don't know the names of the other department heads. I'll go with him. Seriously? With the men in this office?

But when you sit back and let your reputation be destroyed. You go down in history as a frozen whore.

Don't silence him. Just make sure he can't talk.

That's Y-A and 18 'Y's and 44 exclamation points.

In a world on the brink of financial meltdown... In a town unlike any other... An adorable man with a cute face and the future president of the United States-- what?--

Ann! Ben and I hooked up last night! Aah! And I learned how to use iMovie. Call me later! Bye!

Did Tom Ford turn around the House of Gucci? I do not know, but I'll assume that that is a yes.

How long were you two lovers? - Excuse me? - Oh, God.

No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt.

I don't know why Leslie Knope's on trial. Ethel Beavers did it! - Beavers did it! - Sit down.

I will hold myself in contempt of the court!

Is this about the laptop? I didn't mean to steal it. I took it home, and I spaced. I forgot. I'm gonna bring it back. It totally works, but I got spaghetti in the keyboard.

Um, khakis and button-down shirts-- your basic white people clothes.

Oh, hell, no. I have ruined my share of hotel rooms, and trust me, nothing sexual happened in that room.

I've seen over 200 episodes of Law & Order, and it's paying off big-time.

And by the way, we got the gramps-- grants. God! Oh. It was gonna be such an awesome moment.

Is it ethical for a court stenographer to bet on the outcome of a hearing? You tell me. You're the one on trial.

Stop, please. I don't like to give out my address to anyone, much less have it on an official record.

9301 Cedarcrest Dr-- - Beep! I didn't hear that. 9301 Cedarcrest Drive!

I can smell the sulfur coming off her cloven hooves.

May I remind you that you are under oath, and if you lie, I will fire you and have you prosecuted. Nothing. They will definitively prove nothing. You cut me off. I don't have any evidence.

Oh, interesting tidbit-- I once bribed him to keep my relationship with Ben quiet.

Yeah! I got a facial. My wife said my skin was luminous.

I could read this if I weren't so blind.

I would like to request a 55-day recess.

Okay, mine doesn't have any pictures.

In 1856, the city council banned all sexual positions except for missionary. And two years later, they banned missionary.

Oh, my God. Black people still can't legally use city sidewalks.

Any woman caught laughing is a witch. That's true.

When a good person does something bad, they own up to it. They try to learn something from it, and they move on.

Bribing someone to hide a sexcapade-- I'm proud to call you a friend.

'Cause your actions wounded me to my core, which is not easy since the bulk of my workouts are focused on core strengthening.

This is how I fight depression. Okay, fine. I'll stop.

Was all of this-- all the sneaking around, the scandal, losing your job-- Was it worth it? Yes. It was.

I'm literally crying and jumping. Crying noise, crying noise, nose blow.

Actually, my real name is Gary. Gary? On my first day here, the old director-- he called me Jerry, and I just didn't think I should correct him.

Gary Gergich? Jerry Gergich. Gary Gergich. Jerry-- God, they're both horrible. But Jerry's better. I'm gonna call you Jerry.

I'm sorry. I can't get over the Gary/Jerry thing. Neither can I. Jerry, you can go. We need a five-minute break.