Citizen Knope

Leslie:Chris, that's an interesting jogging shirt. What's it made of?

Chris:Synthetic bees' wings.

Leslie:I'm sorry, what?

Chris:Synthetic bees' wings. It's moisture-wicking, hypoallergenic, and it makes a subtle humming sound when you run, which I find very motivating.

Chris:Give me that flash drive, Leslie.

Leslie:I can't do that, Chris.

Chris:Hand it over. Now.

Leslie:What if I offered you this nasal spray instead?

Chris:What? No. I want the flash drive.

Leslie:It's a really good nasal spray. Clears you right up.

Chris:I caught you! You know what? I have to credit my speed to that ridiculous bumble-flex fabric from earlier.

Leslie:Wait, really?

Chris:No, I'm just in really good shape.

Leslie:I need to keep busy during this suspension. I've decided to invent a new spice.

Leslie:It's salt and sugar mixed together. I'm calling it... Sweetalt.

Ben:What could sal-gar possibly be used for?

Leslie:Well, it's a salt-vinegar hybrid that I developed for preserving pickled eggs in a brine solution, but I also use it as a natural de-icer for the front steps, and I've found it works great as a mild exfoliant when mixed with pumice stone.

Ben:You know, I've been thinking. If I'd been publicly humiliated and forced out of government earlier, I could've discovered the private sector sooner. I could've had years of corporate success instead of wasting my time actually serving the public.

Leslie:Ben, you can't keep saying you 'resigned in disgrace.' That's a terrible interview strategy.

Ben:Well, that's what happened.

Leslie:I know, but you have to spin it. Say you 'left to pursue other opportunities' or 'decided to explore new challenges.'

Andy:Wait, this is a gold record? I'm certified gold?

April:It's 'certified gold' for selling 100 copies in Eagleton.

Andy:That's... that's not how gold records work.

Tom:I can't believe I missed out on those tickets. I've been trying to get them for weeks.

Leslie:Well, I got you something even better. I got you the album 'Physical' by Dua Lipa.

Tom:Leslie, that's not... that's not a concert ticket.

Leslie:No, but it's physical. You can touch it. And I also got you this lump of clay I sculpted myself, because the album is called 'Physical' and this is a physical object.

Tom:Check out my customized watch.

Leslie:I removed the functional clock and replaced it with just the words 'Baller Time'.

April:It's literally black-eyed peas. You killed them.

Leslie:I thought you said you wanted to kill Black Eyed Peas!

April:The band, Leslie. The band.

Ron:I don't believe in gifts. A man should provide for himself. If you can't buy it yourself, you don't need it.

Leslie:Ron, I got you something.

Ron:I don't want it.

Leslie:You don't even know what it is.

Ron:Doesn't matter. I didn't get you anything, and I'm not going to start now just because you're making me look bad.

Ron:Leslie, this is... this is extraordinary. A full bathroom renovation?

Leslie:I know how much you value your privacy and personal space. I wanted you to have the most beautiful bathroom in Pawnee.

Ron:I... I don't know what to say. This is the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me.

Leslie:You deserve it, Ron. You're one of my best friends.

Ron:You've made me very emotional. I'm going to go sit in my new bathroom and think about my feelings in silence.

Leslie:And Jerry, we got you... socks.

Jerry:Oh... well, these are... these are really nice socks. Thank you. This is very thoughtful.

Leslie:I got you this beautiful menorah for Hanukkah. Actually, wait—is that offensive? I don't want to assume your religion. Here, take this ornament instead.

Leslie:Okay, I'm relaxing. I'm taking a beat. See? Beat. I'm on it.

Leslie:Wait, I just realized I can alphabetize my spice rack while I'm taking this beat. Oh! And I invented a new spice. It's called Leslie's Essence. It's just paprika mixed with my DNA.

Leslie:Turns out it's also great for removing stubborn stains!

Ben:I'm like a Swiss Army knife of accounting. I can do taxes, payroll, budgeting, forensic accounting...

Ben:People call me the 'Accounting Swiss Army Knife.'

Ben:Nobody actually calls me that.

Ben:Well, I think that covers everything. Thanks for your time.

Ben:I guess you could say this interview really... added up.

Ben:Calc-you-later.

Interviewer:Wait, wait, wait. Did you just make a pun? Hold on.

Interviewer:Hey! Hey, come here! You gotta hear this!

Interviewer:This guy just said 'calc-you-later.' Calc-you-later!

Tom:Donna, you have marshmallow fluff on your hand. You look like a bear that just raided a campsite.

Donna:I know.

Tom:I'm bringing you guys into the 20th century.

April:It's the 21st century.

Tom:I'd settle for the 20th.

Tom:Look at this word cloud of Leslie's most-used words.

Ann:Oh my god, my name is huge! It's bigger than Ben's!

Tom:Yeah, Leslie talks about you way more than she talks about Ben.

Ron:I suggest we build a practical scale model out of wood.

April:Or we could make it out of gingerbread.

Ann:That's a great idea!

Ron:Ron, that's so cute!

Ben:Leslie, what are you putting on your pasta?

Leslie:Oh, it's sal-gar. You know, salt and vinegar mixed together for that perfect savory-sour combo.

Ben:That's... that's not a real thing, is it?

Leslie:Well, okay, fine. It's just sugar. Straight sugar.

Ben:Leslie, why would you put sugar on pasta?

Leslie:Because I love it.

Andy:This tastes like cereal.

Leslie:That's my pasta.

Andy:Not anymore.

Leslie Knope:Okay, so yes, the acronym is PCP. Parks and Creation Program. I know what you're thinking, but I've already looked into this. We're not changing it. Do you know how many letterheads we'd have to reprint?

Leslie Knope:And frankly, I think the drug comparison is unfair. PCP is destructive and dangerous, whereas our Parks and Creation Program is constructive and... well, also dangerous, but in a good way. We're dangerously committed to this city's parks.

Diane:You were suspended. How can I trust you're competent?

Leslie:Leslie Knope is very competent. Leslie Knope has won numerous awards and commendations.

Leslie:Shush.

Andy:Look at this! I made you out of marshmallows! See, here's your hair, here's your face, and here's your little Ron body!

Ron:I don't like this.

Tom:I chose chocolate because it's the most valuable commodity in the world. It's more sought after than gold, more addictive than heroin, and it makes you feel like you're in a European commercial where people are really into it.

Tom:This is a twelve-hundred dollar box of artisanal fudge from a chocolatier in Belgium. It's not for eating. It's for decoration only.

Tom:If you eat it, you will ruin the entire aesthetic of my office, and also you will owe me twelve hundred dollars.

April:I spray-painted regular M&Ms to make them silver. They're toxic now.

Tom:You need to throw up right now!

Jerry:But I didn't eat any of them.

April:Throw up anyway, just to be safe.

Donna:We're not taking any chances here. Throw up.

Ben:The sooner you vomit, the better.

Jerry:I really don't think I need to—

Leslie:Jerry, please, for all of us, just throw up!

Dennis Feinstein:Ben, I'd like to offer you a position as my CFO.

Ben:That's... that's a great opportunity, Dennis. Thank you.

Dennis Feinstein:Well, I just need to fire my current CFO first.

Eddie:What?

Dennis Feinstein:Sorry Eddie, nothing personal. Ben's just better at... everything.

Dennis Feinstein:You got kids?

Ben:No, I don't.

Dennis Feinstein:Oh thank God. I was worried I'd have to pay you more. Unlike that dum-dum Eddie, he's got three kids to support.

Dennis Feinstein:Don't acknowledge him. Just... pretend he doesn't exist. It's like when you pay someone to hunt in another country and they come back and try to talk to you about it.

Parent:Why don't we just set up Chutes and Ladders in the rec center?

Leslie:Chutes and Ladders? That's a game of pure luck. You know what? You're an idiot.

Parent:I'm sorry?

Leslie:Wait, how old are you?

Parent:I'm thirty-seven.

Leslie:Then you're definitely an idiot.

Leslie:We need to get a Yahtzee game for the rec center. The lack of Yahtzee is basically human trafficking.

Leslie:Okay, that's not human trafficking. But it's bad.

Diane:You know, Leslie, letter-writing is really making a comeback. We should start a letter-writing campaign.

Leslie:Diane, no. We are not doing a letter-writing campaign. We tried that last time, and it didn't work. We're not doing it again.

Citizen:We only have 12 people for all of this?

Leslie:Well, we had 11 yesterday, so that's growth! That's a 9% increase!

Ron:I have built entire cabinets from reclaimed wood. I have constructed a canoe from scratch. But this... this gingerbread house is destroying me.

Leslie:See you in hell.

Advisor:Your polling numbers came back.

Leslie:Great! How am I doing?

Advisor:You're at 1%.

Leslie:1%? That's impossible! I've shaken hands with at least dozens of people!

Leslie:You know what? One percent is actually great. It's like when you're drinking a milkshake and you get to that last sip at the bottom? That's the best part. That's the thickest, most concentrated milkshake experience. So one percent of voters? Those are my best sips.

Leslie:You're having an affair with Ben!

Advisor:What? No, I'm gay.

Leslie:Oh.

Jean-Ralphio:Yo, it's DJ Ben Fresh, Prince of Bel-Air!

Jean-Ralphio:Dude, I got a Brazilian wax last week. It was like a thousand tiny angels ripping the hair out of my body one by one, whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

Jean-Ralphio:Hey Ben, you know anyone who does that? I need a referral.

Jean-Ralphio:Dude, you were a teen mayor? That's the coolest thing I've ever heard.

Ben:Yeah, it was pretty intense.

Jean-Ralphio:So like, have you had any time off since then?

Ben:Not really, no.

Jean-Ralphio:My waxer told me something really profound. She said, 'The only way to grow is to shed what's holding you back.' Pretty deep, right?

Jean-Ralphio:Anyway, then she ripped all the hair off my butt. I mean ALL of it. I could see things I didn't know existed down there.

Chris:Merry Christmas, Leslie. I got you something special.

Leslie:Oh my god, Chris, thank you! What is it?

Chris:I'm ending your suspension early. You can come back to work tomorrow.

Leslie:That's... that's the best Christmas present ever.

Ben:I'm pregnant!

Ben:No, no, no—Leslie is pregnant. I'm not pregnant. I can't get pregnant.

Ron:It would only bother me if I were an 8-year-old girl.

Leslie:I have to admit, my friends beat me at gift-giving for once. Ann got me this beautiful scarf, Tom got me a vintage record player, and Ben got me this incredible watch. I was devastated. I couldn't compete. So I went to my office, I cried for twenty minutes, and then I got back to work.

Jean-Ralphio:Yeah, I'm really good with Quickbooks.

Interviewer:What experience do you have with Quickbooks?

Jean-Ralphio:None. I have no idea what that is.

Boss:I need everyone to review these spreadsheets carefully.

Jean-Ralphio:Spreadsheets? More like spread... sheets, if you know what I'm saying. Those are gonna be all over me tonight.

Boss:Jean-Ralphio, you're fired. Get out of my office.