Jerry Gergich

Jerry:Here's a good example of a plant you can't eat. See all the spikes? So, two things. One, it's poisonous. And two, it would hurt.

Leslie · Jerry:Leslie eats the country honeysuckle after being told it smells good, immediately reacting in disgust. Jerry: 'That's bitter. Leslie, you don't eat it.' Leslie: 'Oh! Why did you let me eat that?' Jerry: 'I never told you to eat that.'

Leslie · Tom · Donna · Jerry:Leslie casually informs her colleagues they might be getting daffodils too, listing them with varying degrees of certainty: 'Jerry, I don't know, I'm not sure. Time will tell.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Okay, again, I'd really rather not play.' (repeated protests throughout the scene)

Ben or coworker · April · Jerry:Ben (or coworker) vs. April: 'A little birdy told me you have one unpaid parking ticket.' / 'A little birdy told me your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.' / 'Snap!' / Beat. / 'I didn't know I was adopted.'

Jerry:Jerry's talking-head: 'Is it weird that my feelings are hurt that no one's found any dirt on me yet?'

Coworker · Jerry:Another coworker reveal: 'Jerry, plastic surgery?' / Jerry: 'I got hit by a fire engine.' / 'You are so lucky.' / 'How?'

Jerry · Unknown:Can you help me out a second? / Go away, Jerry.

Leslie · Jerry:Fine, we'll keep the money, OK? Everybody happy? / Jerry, are you happy? / What did I do? / Meeting adjourned.

Leslie · Jerry:Jerry, did you use permanent marker again? I'm sorry, guys... Forget it. Let's all pretend Jerry wasn't born.

Jerry:I'm a terrible artist. But the Parks department has done so much for me that if I can help them out in any way, I will. / Oh, God.

Jerry:Maybe I should just give them all free flu shots.

Jerry · Tom · Others:For my murinal... / You said 'murinal'. / No, I didn't. / You said 'murinal'. I heard it.

Tom · Jerry · Tom:Disqualified! / It's pointillism. And each dot is a photo of a citizen of the town. / No one cares. At all.

Ron · Jerry · Mark:Ron's 'trail survey' cover story, complete with custom-made trail survey hats

Tom · Jerry:Tom announcing 'Jerry's here. Here's your scotch.' as the first response to Ron being shot

Ron · Jerry · Others:Ron's reaction to the 'Welcome back, Ron' banner: "'Welcome back, Ron.' That's terrific. Thanks, you guys. Let's eat!"

Tom · Jerry · Ron · Others:Strip club? / Did somebody say strip club? / No. / Somebody say strip club? / You did. / I definitely heard someone say strip club. / You did.

Leslie · Jerry · Tom:Here's what I think we should do. Everyone should go around and say one thing that they love about Tom. / I really wish I could have your body. / What? / Like, tied up, naked, in your basement?

Jerry · Leslie:No, I mean, you're in good shape, and you can eat whatever you want. Well, that was weird, Jerry.

Jerry:There is a girl here that also works at Quiznos. She's really nice to me here but really mean to me at Quiznos.

Jerry · Office Staff:Jerry spills soup on the mail, and the group's immediate response is to berate him — 'Jerry! You got soup all over our mail! You jerk.'

Tom Haverford · Jerry:Tom's celebrity list: 'Jay-Z. Rihanna. Audrina Patridge. Jon Gosselin. Lady Gaga. Snooki. Are these real people? Cash Warren and Dennis Rodman.'

Tom Haverford · Jerry:Jerry: 'Jeez, Tom, if I spend any more than 25 bucks, I gotta ask my wife.' / Tom: 'Jerry, get out.'

Jerry:Jerry's talking-head during the distraction scene: 'Sentry duty is usually approximately one hour long. Baby meerkats do not start foraging for food until about one month old. Do you know them?'

Tom · Jerry:Is that code for some kind of weird sex act? / Lord Sheldon is my dog.

Jerry · Tom:My wife named him. / Ew!

Jerry · Leslie:No, I just curled up and laid still until they left. / Well, that's another way to play it.

Jerry:Ha-ha, guys. Really funny. Where's the real banner?

Jerry:Wait a minute. No. That is not the graph. That's a picture from my vacation to Muncie.

Tom · Jerry · Tom · Leslie:You went on a vacation and you chose Muncie, Indiana? / Yeah. My wife and I have a time-share. / In Muncie? / Tom, Muncie is a lovely city.

Jerry:We all know that it's already closed season on 'twout.'

Jerry:My marbles are full of mouth today.

Jerry:Has anybody seen my glasses? I don't even think I can...

Jerry · Leslie:I don't know, Leslie. I'd rather be back at the office. / I know this is painful for you, Jerry, but you have to be strong.

Leslie · Jerry:He can't talk right now because he has hysterical muteness from trauma. / Correct.

Jerry:I stopped for a breakfast burrito. The farting. Yeah. And Lord Sheldon lunged at a bird, I dropped the burrito, it landed on a log in the creek. So I go to reach for it, I lose my balance, and I fall on my shoulder really weird.

Jerry · Tom:Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said. / Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Kill your wife?

Tom · Jerry · Tom:I got you a peppermint latte. / Seriously? My goodness. I love a peppermint... / I know.

Jerry:They can laugh at me all they want. Because two more years until I retire with full benefits and pension. And the wife and I, we have bought a little cottage on a lake. And I am going to get myself a stack of mystery novels, a box of cigars, and I am going to sit back and enjoy my life.

Jerry · April · Leslie:Morgan the pedophile is in the softball photo — 'We had dinner together.'

Jerry · Leslie · Ron:Jerry reveals he's been scheduling all meeting requests for March 31st because he didn't think March 31st existed, then sings the rhyme wrong.

Leslie · Jerry:Leslie corrects Jerry: 'June and November.' Today is March 31st. 'I know.'

Leslie · Jerry:Leslie asks how many meetings she has today. '93.' [Strangled groan]

Jerry:Jerry offers to 'set himself on fire and create a diversion' as an alternative to postponing the meetings.

Jerry · Leslie:Tonight's kind of a big night. You know, all my kids are away, and... / Gross! No! It's Jerry's sex night. That ruins sex and tonight.

Jerry · Leslie:Hey, do these phones dial out? / Yes. Why? / No reason. / Leslie, you know what? My phone has 25 lines. I think it might be a switchboard. / Congratulations, then. You got the most lines. / Figure it out, Jerry.

Jerry:I can do magic. Egg, my lady?

Leslie · Jerry:You don't have a second egg? / No, but I'm a very good piano player. I'd be happy to go up there and give it a shot. / Why are you wasting my time? This is really serious!

Jerry:Jerry enters worried about being fired: 'Oh God, they're gonna fire people, aren't they? I am two years from my pension.'

Ann · Jerry:Ann sees Jerry at the office and checks: 'Yeah, crazy...' then to Leslie, after Jerry leaves: 'So it's not Jerry.'

Jerry · Leslie:'You look tired and you're all sweaty.' / 'You look tired and you're all sweaty all the time. What's your excuse?'

Leslie · Tom · Donna · Jerry:Leslie bursts through the barricaded door and starts touching everyone's stuff while they recoil in horror. 'She's germing up all my stuff.'

Leslie · Jerry:Jerry reads his mother's diary entry aloud: 'Jerrold starred in his school production of Peter Pan. He was a beautiful Tinker Bell.' Beat. 'It was an all-boys school.'

Jerry · Leslie:Jerry arrives at the intervention with wedding tumblers from the registry, having misheard 'intervention' as 'reception.'

Jerry:Jerry reveals he and Li'l Sebastian are on the same diabetes medication and calls him his 'Glucotrol buddy.'

Tom · Jerry:Tom: 'Somebody left the gate open and he got out, Jerry!' / 'What are you talking about?' / 'Unbelievable. Another in a long string of miserable failures. You lost Li'l Sebastian!' / 'I wasn't even here!' / 'Exactly.'

Tom · Jerry:Jerry: 'Yeah, Jerry. He's right here in my pocket.' — Tom's sarcastic response to Jerry asking if they found Li'l Sebastian.

Tom · Jerry:'Aw, Jerry just farted!' / 'I'm very upset, I get nervous.'

Leslie · Jerry:Jerry's new party shirt is so bad that Leslie begins to say something complimentary, physically cannot do it, and gives up: 'Damn it. I was so close. It's a terrible shirt.'

Andy · Ron · Chris · Jerry · Ben:Andy asks Ron, Chris, Jerry, Derek, and Ben to all be his best men — having already asked Tom.

Andy · Jerry:Jerry arrives and Andy says: 'Jerry! Ah, I'm so glad you made it. This shirt is hilarious.'

Jerry · Leslie · Ben · Tom:Jerry reveals the Greek myth centaur painting, and it's clearly a nude portrait of Leslie attached to a horse

Tom · Leslie · Jerry:'Is your penis between the front arms or the back legs?' / 'Yeah, where's your penis?' / 'Damn it, Jerry!'

Leslie · Tom · Jerry:Leslie looks at the revised painting and says: 'This is amazing. It looks like me, and I look awesome.' Then: 'Is your penis between the front arms or the back legs?' / 'Yeah, where's your penis?' / 'Damn it, Jerry!'

Ron · Tom · April · Andy · Jerry:Ron announces he's everyone's boss and the group laughs it off: 'That's a good one, Ron.'

Jerry · Donna:Jerry correctly answers that Donna would pick Prince; Donna is impressed

Tom · Jerry · Donna:Donna's answer: 'Back of my Benz?' and Jerry correctly guesses 'Her Mercedes.' Tom: 'Jerry and Donna on fire.'

Chris · Jerry:Jerry. Mmm? I believe you are capable of much more. I'm not. Nonsense. Look in the mirror. Huh? You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero.

Chris · Jerry:Imagine someone needs your attention. Somebody say my name. JERRY: Chris. Swivel! What is it, Jerry? You told me to say your name. And you did a great job, superstar.

Jerry · April:April, do you have that usage report that I asked for? [beat/silence] Anything for you, Jerry.

Citizen · Jerry:Sir? Sir, are... Are you listening to me, sir? Sir! Sir, I'm talking to you! Sir, are you aware that there is waste in your water system?

Jerry:JERRY: So, Webster's dictionary describes a pork as a... No, it's park... Park. I'm sorry. Geez, okay. So... You know what, can we start over? Let's... Let's go from the first thing. I said, pork, which... By the way, they have a great pork sandwich in the cafeteria today.

Leslie · Ben · Jerry:Leslie's memo to Ben reads 'You have a cute butt.' Jerry's memo apparently lists facts about Li'l Sebastian but his also says 'You have a cute butt.' Ben says it's 'probably a typo' — probably meant 'cube butt' because Jerry's butt is shaped like a cube.

Jerry:Jerry repeats 'cube butt' to himself in a talking-head with confusion, while off-camera voices taunt 'Cube butt, cube butt'

Tom · Jerry:Tom presents ribbons for the memorial — 'Which one floats your penis?' — all of which appear identical black ribbons. Jerry points this out. Tom lectures about the subtle distinctions: 'Obsidian, onyx, midnight, lost soul, rolling blackout, sleeping panther, and void by Armani.'

Tom · Jerry:Tom holds up one of the ribbons and asks Jerry: 'Hey, Jerry, does this look black to you, too?' — implying he is asking if Jerry can even perceive the difference

Jerry · Leslie:Jerry refuses to get propane: 'No, what about my poem?' Leslie: 'No one wants you to read a poem, okay, Jerry? What everyone wants — what Li'l Sebastian wants — is for you to get propane.' Jerry: 'Fine. I'll do it for Li'l Sebastian.'

Jerry · Tom · Leslie:Jerry puts lighter fluid instead of propane in the eternal flame, causing a massive fireball that burns off Ron's eyebrows. Tom and Leslie, terrified, immediately say: 'We planned that! Wow, wow!' / 'We planned that. Yay!'

Leslie · Ron · Jerry:Leslie apologizes to Ron: 'I guess I put too much fuel in the torch.' Ron: 'Oh, I don't know, Jerry. I think you're being hard on yourself.' Leslie: 'Ron, are you mad at me? 'Cause without eyebrows, I can't really tell.'

Tom · Jerry:Tom mid-speech about not being selfish grabs all the cupcakes: 'Ooh! Cupcakes. Those are all for me, Jerry.'

Chris · Jerry:Chris to Jerry: 'You should take the day off. You know, rest is very important. Did you know that lab rats who are deprived of rest grow tumors all over their bodies? You should Google it. It's horrifying.'

Chris · Jerry:Chris meets Jerry's daughter Millicent and immediately pivots to romantic interest: 'Wow. Jerry, great job. I'm your dad's boss. And his much younger friend.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Isn't she beautiful? I say she looks like my wife, Gayle. And Gayle agrees.'

Chris · Jerry:Chris informs Jerry that after their 'amazing' date, Millicent spent the night at his house. 'Have a great day, Jerry.' [Chris walks away]

Jerry:Jerry dressed as Mr. Potato Head — confirmed by 'That's right' with no elaboration

Chris · Jerry:Chris to Jerry about his daughter: 'I've decided to take your daughter home. And we may be having intercourse.' / Jerry: 'Please, you've got to stop saying things like that to me.'

Jerry:Jerry asks if he can go — 'Gayle is making a roast' — mid-action-scene

Chris · Jerry:Chris interrupts Jerry at his own desk to launch a romantic investigation, with Donna pulled in: 'Jerry! I am launching a full-scale investigation into my romantic relationship with your daughter Millicent Gergich, and I thought I could pick your brain.'

Ann · Chris · Jerry:Ann: 'And the jacuzzi broke. But I did... eat food off of your body.' Chris: 'Oh, come on.' Jerry: 'All right, Chris and Ann!'

Leslie · Tom · Jerry:Tom asks if Leslie just wants him to choose a new font, and Leslie confirms: 'Yes, essentially, I'd like you to choose a new font.' Then immediately makes Jerry 'number two guy on the new font project.'

Jerry:Jerry responds to the font debate: 'I've never been more bored in my entire life. Who cares about letters? The only good font is the Sopranos one, where the R is a pistol.'

Jerry · Tom:Jerry comforts Tom with a 'triple-decker ham-and-cheese from the cafeteria. Always makes me feel better.' Tom: 'Two pathetic guys, eating pathetic sandwiches. Sounds terrific.'

Jerry · Tom:Jerry reveals his original ID card from his first day on the job: 'Heck, I still use my original ID card from my first day on the job.' [Shows it to Tom; Tom has a stunned reaction and runs off.]

Jerry · Ann:Marshmallow fluff scoop incident — 'Did you just scoop it out of the jar with your hand like a bear?' 'Yes.'

Jerry · Leslie:Jerry asks if anyone knows 'if she has any Indian in her.' Leslie immediately cuts him off: 'No one respond. No one say anything.' Jerry persists: 'I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her.' More silence. 'I don't think she does.' Then: 'Would she like some?' 'Jerry!'

Jerry · Leslie:Jerry proudly reports he found Ann a date via Craigslist: 'Man seeking man for a night of casual fun.' Then introduces 'Enrico, he responded right away.'

Leslie · Jerry:Leslie realizes what Jerry has done and says: 'You hired a male escort.' Jerry, confused: 'A what?' Leslie: 'Please get your gigolo out of here.'

Tom · Chris · Jerry:Tom tries to cheer up Chris about his breakup: 'There's some attractive women here. Why don't you rebound?' Chris: 'Nobody here compares to Millicent.' Beat. 'Except maybe Jerry.' Tom: 'Technically, they share 50% of the same DNA.' Chris stares at Jerry longingly.

Tom · Chris · Jerry:Tom tells Chris to stop staring at Jerry. The visual of Chris staring at Jerry with romantic intensity while Jerry is presumably oblivious.

Tom · Jerry · Ann:Jerry is eating during a meeting. Tom: 'Jerry, if you're eating, you're not listening.' Jerry: 'Thanks, babe.'

Jerry:Jerry reveals his birthday is February 29th — he only gets a real birthday every four years.

Leslie · Jerry:I'm so sorry we forgot yours. I guess it just slipped through the cracks. / Yes, I guess it did.

Leslie · Jerry:Also I need you to do some fecal contamination testing at the reservoir. / Now? / Yes, go get a kit from maintenance, and I need you to check the water for bird dung.

Leslie · Ron · Jerry:Leslie and Ron show up in Jerry's bathroom while he's in the tub — Leslie claims it's a 'Parks emergency.'

Jerry · Ron:Oh, did we lose more seniors in the woods? / No, it's a sinkhole, right?

Jerry · Ron:Well, we didn't get to the drug store for my liver medication. / Well, you should've thought about that before we dragged you out of the bath, Jerry.

Party guests · Jerry:Surprise! / Oh, what the [bleep]?

Jerry · Leslie:Where the hell is everybody? / Well, it got so late. We just weren't sure you were still coming. Everybody's either in bed or out looking for Champion.

Leslie · Jerry:Surprise! / Oh, God. What happened? / Well, you slept with Jerry last night.

Leslie · Jerry:We are sending you and Gayle to a B&B in your favorite place in the world. / Muncie? / Amazingly, yes. Muncie, Indiana.

Jerry · Leslie · Ben:Thank you, guys. It was really expensive. / Oh, campaign. / Take it.

Chris · Jerry:Chris reveals that Councilman Pillner's review of the budget resulted in ALL D-1s being terminated — including Jerry

Jerry · Tom:Jerry: 'Just sit on the ground.' Tom: 'No, Jerry. It's dirty and I'm wearing my summer linens.'

Jerry:Jerry smuggled raisins to the hungry barbecue crowd: 'It's nature's candy. Now, they're basically grapes, so remember to pace yourself.' Then immediately: 'I can't even follow my own advice. They're so delicious.'

Jerry · Ben/Tom/Colleague:You know, Gayle and I, we saw a couples therapist for a little while. That's too much, Jerry. For real. Keep us out your bedroom.

Leslie · Jerry:Leslie's devastating hospital speech: 'I'm sorry, Jerry, but your future has been canceled. We only raised $1,200... the inevitable follow-up problems, and the lifetime of chronic misery that awaits you.'

Ben · Jerry · Leslie · April:Ben: 'Enough! You are friends and coworkers. In this office, we treat each other with respect.' / Jerry walks in. / 'Hey, April, how is that dog park coming?' / Leslie and April: 'Get out, Jerry!' / 'This is private!' / Jerry: 'Sorry, guys.'

Jerry · Tom · Others:Aw, jeez! [beat] And that's 517. [beat] 518.

Jerry · Ben · Chris · Gayle:Ben, come meet Jerry's wife. / Gayle? / Happy holidays, Chris. It's so good to see you. / I'm Gayle Gergich.

Jerry:Sadly, one of our three beautiful angels, Millicent, couldn't be here tonight, but our other two beauties — Miriam and Gladys — are going to help Gayle and me play a little tune.

Jerry:I just tied my high score in Snake.

Tom · Jerry:Yeah, just -- we took up a collection to pay your hospital bills, since you almost farted yourself to death. Every time we did something mean, we put a dollar in a box. / Wow. I'm the luckiest man on earth.

Donna · Jerry:The Indiana celebrity look-alike gala: Orville Redenbacher, La Toya Jackson, Axl Rose, David Letterman

Donna · Jerry:The Li'l Sebastian look-alike announcement at the gala — Donna has booked 'a Li'l Sebastian look-alike on the way'

Jerry · Donna:Jerry's reaction to the Li'l Sebastian news causes him to wet himself — 'Did you just pee your pants? Just a dab.' / 'You nasty, Jerry. Third time this week.'

Tom · Jerry:Jerry reveals he's actually ordained — 'That's the worst idea I've ever heard.' / 'Yeah, you're right, okay.' / 'Wait! What if you do the ceremony but don't have any stupid ideas of your own...'

Jerry:Jerry's announcement to the gala that there'll be a wedding at 11:01 with 'all the drinks and the food will be on us'

Tom · Jerry:Tom's crisis: his speech is wrong — '20 minutes of Hitch quotes before I even say Leslie's name.' Jerry's advice: 'Speak from the heart.' Tom: 'Well, I'm not crazy about the part where you do something.'

Jerry · Unknown Guest:Jerry's officiating tone: 'It's been a long and winding road for these two lovebirds' — immediately followed by 'Yes, just do it already.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'I assume, and hope, you prepared your own vows?' and 'Ben, you want to say some stuff about Leslie?'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Ben, you want to say some stuff about Leslie?'

Jerry · Ben · Leslie:Jerry: 'You may now kiss the--' then the couple immediately kisses before he finishes, cutting him off: 'Well, oops, okay.'

Leslie · Jerry:We got Jerry some earbuds, and a bag of peanuts, and the Skymall catalog. Same thing you got me from your trip to Washington!

Jerry · Leslie:Leslie, permission to leave the corner. Denied. But, look, I did not lose your speech after all. I forgot. I put it in my shoe for safekeeping. It's a little moist, but it is still here.

Jerry · Leslie:Jerry delivers a formal farewell speech that no one knew was happening — 'What the fuck is happening right now?'

Jerry · Colleagues:Flashbacks of colleagues being warned about Jerry's retirement and ignoring/forgetting it

Jerry:'Well, this is my last weep. Oops. I mean, 'weep.' Week.'

Ron · Jerry:Ron's retirement speech for Jerry: 'Jerry, thank you for your service. Good-bye.'

Leslie · Guard · Jerry · Ben:Leslie tries to get Jerry into the city council private dining room by claiming 'clearance level four' and being flatly denied

Jerry:Jerry attempts Sudoku while waiting and says 'Pfft! Sudoku is easy. Is there even rules to this game?'

Ben · Jerry:'Sounds like a good dude.' / 'Yeah. I just wish I had a chance to meet him years ago before all the scandals and his death.'

Jerry:Jerry visiting the dead mayor's statue: 'Hello, Mr. Mayor. First of all, I'm so sorry that those Serbian mobsters shoved you out of that helicopter.'

Jerry · Ben · Leslie:'But this is nice too.' / 'Yeah.' / 'Is it?' / 'Yes.' / 'Mm-hmm. It is.'

Leslie · Jerry:Jerry's bucket list item: 'have a building named after him' becomes a conference room with a plaque reading 'Jerry Gergich Memorial Conference Room. R.I.P.'

Jerry · Leslie · Ben · Tom:Jerry's tie catches fire from the retirement cake candles

Jerry · Gayle · Jerry's daughters:The Gergich family breakfast song: '♪ Eggs, bacon, and toast / Why don't you start your day / The Gergich way ♪'

Gayle · Jerry · Jerry's daughters:Gayle tells Jerry he's 'still the most handsome man in the world' in front of his family; daughters groan 'Ugh. Mom, come on.' / 'Yeah, jeez, mom. We're eating.'

Jerry · Gayle:Jerry drops something right after being told 'you also dropped that, clumsy' — showing he's been dropping things all morning at home too

Leslie · Ron · Tom · Jerry · Taylor:Jerry returns to the office and the intern is fired to make room for him

Jerry · Tom:Jerry trips and falls immediately upon returning to the office: 'Oh, it feels good just to be ba--' [falls]