End Of The World

Andy:Leslie Knope, I'd like to present to you... *bows*

Leslie:Andy, you don't have to bow.

Leslie:The all-night vigils are annoying, but you know what's really gross? They don't have a sewage system. So during the apocalypse, they're just going to the bathroom in holes in the ground. Holes! In the ground!

Ben:Why do they call themselves 'The Reasonableists'?

Leslie:The twisted logic is so backwards it's actually clever.

Leslie:There's nothing to worry about. The cult's predictions are never accurate.

Leslie:Although, they did correctly predict that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would break up.

Leslie:So maybe we should be concerned.

Leslie:Lance Armstrong dumped Sheryl Crow. Can you believe that? I mean, she's amazing.

Ben:Yeah, that's crazy. He's an idiot.

Leslie:I'm going with you. I need to see this made-up planet name 'Nutbrain' for myself.

Leslie:The cult lives on planet Nutbrain.

Andy:Nutbrain? That's actually really good advice. I've been eating too much dairy.

Leslie:Ben and I hang out all the time. We're very close.

Ann:You guys haven't hung out in like three weeks.

Leslie:That's not true. We grabbed coffee last week.

Ben:That was two months ago.

Leslie:Well, we text constantly.

Tom:You don't text him.

Leslie:Fine. But if Ben and I were a celebrity couple, we'd be called Lesben, and we'd be huge.

Ron:You'd also need Ben to actually know you were in a relationship with him.

Tom:Dude, we're gonna be rich! Five grand each!

Jean-Ralphio:Yeah! We're gonna start our own company!

Tom:We'll be right up there with the greats.

Jean-Ralphio:Yeah! Like Enron!

Tom:Lehman Brothers!

Jean-Ralphio:Blockbuster!

Tom:Jamba Juice.

Jean-Ralphio:What? Jamba Juice is still around.

Tom:Not the way I manage money.

Tom:My company is just like Ask Jeeves. We had a great idea, we were ahead of our time, and now we're completely obsolete and nobody remembers us.

Tom:Ask Jeeves was a search engine where you asked a butler questions. A butler! For the internet! How did anyone think that was a good idea?

Jean-Ralphio:What should we do next?

Jean-Ralphio:I'm thinking we get hit by a bus, collect the insurance money, and use that to start our business.

Tom:That's not a business plan.

Jean-Ralphio:What? It's foolproof!

Jean-Ralphio:Yo, this party's gonna be straight up Fire Marshal Bill!

Jean-Ralphio:Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! Swag!

Andy:What should we do tonight?

April:We could go to Sweetums and get a pretzel. Then we could go home and watch TV until we fall asleep. Then tomorrow we wake up and do it all over again until we die.

April:We do the same thing every night.

Andy:That's what relationships are, April. It's about finding someone you love and doing the same thing over and over until one of you dies.

Andy:I want to remake 'Son of the Mask' and get it right this time.

Andy:Okay, I'm gonna show you how to act classy on a plane. First, you gotta lean back like this and say 'These pretzels are making me thirsty,' but like, super annoyed about it.

Andy:Then when the flight attendant comes by, you go 'Excuse me, do you have any other nuts? These are so pedestrian.' Even though you love pretzels and you're gonna eat all of them.

Andy:And when you land, you take off your sunglasses real slow and say 'That was a bumpy flight. I'm used to private jets.' You're not used to private jets.

Andy:Eighteen dollars and four cents. That's... that's basically a million dollars.

Andy:Wait, you broke it into smaller bills?

April:Yeah, it's the same thousand dollars.

Andy:No it's not! Look at all this money!

Andy:Have you ever seen this much cash?

April:I literally just gave it to you.

Andy:I have cash! Real money in my pocket!

Andy:You know what I could do with this? I could buy a soda. Or two sodas!

Andy:Actually, forget sodas. I'm gonna use this to get pennies. Thousands of pennies.

Andy:I'm gonna fill a bathtub with pennies and just roll around in them like I'm some kind of copper-based Scrooge McDuck.

Ron:Look, I don't care what people believe in. If they want to worship a golden calf or think the government is run by lizard people, that's their business.

Ron:I'm a live-and-let-live kind of man.

Leslie:That's very progressive of you, Ron.

Ron:Well, they also gave me a significant tax write-off.

Ron:I'm making flutes for the ceremony. I have three sizes: small, medium, and large. Small flute costs $50, medium flute costs $100, and large flute costs $150.

Herb:Ron, I'd like to buy those flutes from you.

Ron:They're not for sale.

Herb:I'll write you a check.

Ron:A check?

Herb:Yes, post-dated for after the world ends.

Tom:We have a VIP section, obviously. But then we have a Super VIP section. And then we have an Ultra VIP section. And then we have a section that's so VIP, that even I can't go in there.

Tom:Hey, how's it going?

Bouncer:You're banned.

Tom:Right, right. Well, I'm actually the owner now, so...

Tom:This is actually perfect. Now I can set up all the surprises before everyone gets here.

Tom:Plus, I get some alone time to mentally prepare myself for all the socializing.

Tom:You know what? This is the best party I've ever thrown.

Shauna:No, no, no. That's too long. How about: 'Local Woman Initiates Positive Community Change Through Dedicated Civic Engagement and Strategic Partnership Development'?

Leslie:That's longer.

Shauna:Well, it's more accurate.

Leslie:Well, I mean, Ben is... he's a great guy. Really great. And he's, you know, very capable. Competent. He has two hands and two feet, which is the standard amount. And he's never once tried to murder me, which I think speaks volumes.

Leslie:So yeah, we're just... we're colleagues. Professional colleagues who sometimes eat lunch in the same room. Coincidentally. Because the cafeteria only has so many tables.

Leslie:Why are you even talking to her? And don't say 'because she asked me a question' because that's a terrible reason.

Leslie:What if you guys become friends? What if you become best friends? What if you decide to start a business together?

Leslie:A bed and breakfast in the Poconos. What if it's very successful? What if you're on the cover of Innkeeper Monthly?

Leslie:What if you fall in love? What if you get married on the cover of that same magazine?

Leslie:And I'm not invited because I'm too busy being angry at you for ruining my life!

Leslie:Oh my god, did you see that? The way he looked at her when she said 'the report is due Friday'? That's not just eye contact, Ben, that's a CONNECTION. She tucked her hair behind her ear. He blinked. Twice. That's basically a marriage proposal in body language. They're soulmates, I can feel it. We need to start planning the wedding. I'm thinking outdoor ceremony, string lights, maybe at that barn upstate...

Andy:Oh my God, twenty bucks! This is it. This is my lottery ticket. I'm gonna be rich!

Andy:Wait, actually, you know what? I found money on the ground. That was on my bucket list. Bucket list item: complete. I'm basically a lottery winner.

April:The sandwich is pretty awesome.

Andy:Awesome? April, this isn't just awesome. This is a bucket list item. I've been planning this moment for years. The bread has to be artisanal, the meat has to be heritage breed, and the condiments have to be applied with the precision of a Swiss watchmaker.

April:It's a sandwich, Andy.

Andy:It's not a sandwich, April. It's a SANDWICH. And I'm going to enjoy every single moment of this achievement.

Leslie:Hey guys, what are you talking about?

Ben:Oh, just about Shauna's new project.

Leslie:That's great, Shauna. You look really... fertile today.

Shauna:Um, what?

Leslie:I mean— your pants! Those are great pants. Very nice pants. I like the pants. The way they're on you. The pants.

Leslie:Ben, you can't leave! What about us? What about everything we've built together?

Ben:Leslie, I have to go.

Leslie:But think about how embarrassed you'll be!

Ben:My face would be melted off.

Leslie:Exactly! So embarrassing!

Leslie:Their faces are all red.

Herb:Actually, in a nuclear apocalypse, the faces would turn white from the flash burn, then blister and peel. The red comes later, after the initial radiation sickness sets in.

Herb:Their faces just melted off. Like wax.

Ben:That's... that's not great.

Tom:I'm not just a party planner, I'm a party scientist. I have a philosophy about parties. The key to a perfect party is that the party must start at the exact right time. If people arrive even five minutes early, the party hasn't started yet. But if they arrive five minutes late, the party is already over. It's all about precision.

Ron:I'd like to play a piece for you. It's called 'Requiem for a Thousand Exploding Suns, Opus 47 in B-Flat Minor.'

Leslie:I read your books. They're very... imaginative.

Herb:Thank you.

Leslie:Yeah, you're a real... what's the word... oh, you're bananicorn.

Herb:When you die, you get reincarnated as another life form based on how you lived.

Herb:You live a good life, you come back as something better. You live a bad life, you come back as something worse.

Herb:Zorp lived a bad life. So he came back as a sinkhole.

Leslie:Well, that sounds bad, but I think if we just get the Parks Department involved, we can probably find a solution that works for everyone.

Leslie:Ben, wait! I have an idea. What if we played a game together? A game so epic, so all-consuming, that you'll forget all about leaving Pawnee.

Ben:Leslie, what kind of game?

Leslie:Calvinball meets Catan meets fantasy football meets competitive bird watching. I call it... Caltanbird.

Ben:That sounds horrible.

Leslie:It gets better! Each turn takes six hours, and no one's ever actually won. The rules change every five minutes, and half of them are written in Esperanto.

Leslie:Wait, Ben, don't go! We could play a game!

Ben:Leslie, I really need to get back to work.

Leslie:Oh my God, wait — there's a gas leak! A gas leak in the building!

Leslie:Actually, no, scratch that — your car is being towed. Your car is being towed right now.

Leslie:Okay, okay, okay — the mayor is here. The mayor is here and he's asking for you specifically.

Leslie:Wait, there's a swarm of bees! A biblical swarm of bees!

Andy:We could do a fake hostage scenario.

April:Okay.

April:I'm going to shoot you now.

Andy:Okay, so I'm doing this action movie scene, right? And I need a villain name. A Russian villain name. So I'm like... *Dimitri Volkoff*. No wait, *Sergei Petrov*. Actually, you know what? *Yuri Boombottom*.

April:Help! I've been kidnapped by jewel thieves!

April:Now they're going to ravish me!

April:Oh God, and they smell like a bus station bathroom.

Andy:I'm like an action hero, but instead of bullets, I use... compliments. I'm gonna go give everybody a piece of my mind. And by piece of my mind, I mean a compliment. Boom. Nailed it.

April:That's not how any of this works.

Jerry:Oh, excuse me, I need to head out for dinner.

Leslie:Ben, I've brought you to a very special place. This rock right here? The founding fathers definitely walked past this exact spot. Probably. On their way to somewhere important.

Ben:Leslie, this is just a parking lot behind a Arby's.

Leslie:A HISTORIC parking lot behind a Arby's. Now come on, I want to show you where I think Ben Franklin might have tied his horse.

Leslie:According to my research, Mick Jagger was born in 1943, which would make him only 8 years old when he opened his first gas station in 1951.

Ben:Leslie, that doesn't make any sense.

Leslie:Well, that's what the internet says!

Leslie:You can't leave Pawnee. I won't let you. You're the only one who understands me.

Ben:Leslie, I love you. But I can't stay just because you need me to. That's not fair to either of us.

Andy:Let's go to Mount Rushmore!

April:We're going to Mount Rushmore aren't we? Even though we have no plan, no money, and it's a nine hour drive.

Andy:Yep.

April:And we're leaving right now.

Andy:Right now.

April:This is the worst decision we've ever made and we're both fully aware of it.

Ron:If I were reincarnated, I would want to come back as a socket wrench. It's useful, it's reliable, and it doesn't have to deal with people's emotions.

Ron:I'm not going to discuss my personal beliefs with you. That's between me and whoever I pray to, which is nobody. I don't pray. I don't believe in god. But if I did, I wouldn't tell you about it.

Jean-Ralphio:Hey Lucy, it's Jean-Ralphio. Tom wanted me to call you.

Lucy:Oh my god, finally! Where has he been? We've been dating for three months!

Jean-Ralphio:Dating? Oh right, right. Yeah, so Tom's been super busy with the business stuff. He asked me to tell you he's gonna be late.

Lucy:Late? Late for what? We had plans tonight!

Jean-Ralphio:Oh, well he wanted me to let you know that... wait, you guys are dating? Since when?

Lucy:Since May! Your best friend's been in a relationship with me for three months and you forgot?

Jean-Ralphio:Three months? Man, that's when I got really into snake charming. I've been so focused on that, I totally forgot.

Herb:The end times are upon us. Civilization as we know it will crumble to dust. Famine, pestilence, and darkness will consume the earth.

Jerry:We have donuts in the break room.

Leslie:Ron, I have to tell you something. I think I'm in love with Ben.

Ron:That's nice. Tomorrow's Friday though.

Leslie:I'm so miserable. Everything is terrible and nothing will ever get better.

Herb:Well, the world is going to end in 2012. Might as well enjoy yourself now.

Leslie:Thank you. That actually makes me feel so much better.

Andy:April, I'm gonna sleep for like the first 28 hours, okay? You're gonna do all the driving.

April:What? No. We agreed we'd both drive.

Andy:I know, but I'm really tired. Plus, I get car sick when I'm awake in a car.

April:You literally just slept for eight hours.

Andy:Yeah, but that was sleep sleep. This is gonna be drive sleep. Totally different thing.

Leslie:I may have orchestrated our entire relationship.

Ben:What do you mean?

Leslie:I created situations where we'd run into each other, I may have sabotaged some of your dates, and I definitely planted that article about you in the Pawnee Journal.

Ben:Leslie...

Leslie:But it worked! We're together now. We're making out. Next thing you know we'll be having babies and naming them after government buildings.

Ben:That's... a very specific escalation.

Leslie:I'm sorry, Ben. I'm sorry, Shauna. I made up your entire interest in model trains. I invented it all. I literally created a false person.

Ben:Wait, what?

Leslie:And I'm actually really proud of how convincing I was.

Andy:Wait, where are the faces? I thought Mount Rushmore would be... bigger. And, you know, have faces on it.

April:We're on the wrong side of the mountain, dummy.

Andy:Oh. Well, that would explain why I don't see George Washington's beautiful face right now.

Leslie:Herb, you had one job. ONE JOB. And that job was to not mess up the calculations for the end of the world.

Herb:I need to reschedule the apocalypse.

Leslie:Okay, let me check the calendar. We have the end of the world penciled in for Tuesday at 2 PM. Would Wednesday work better for you?

Herb:Wednesday is fine, but I'll need the permits filed by Friday.

Leslie:No problem. I'll get you the apocalypse application. It's the same form as the petting zoo, just with more fire.