Ann Perkins

Leslie · Ann:Leslie lists Rule 1 and Rule 2 as both 'stay on message.' Ann asks 'Stay on what?' and Leslie says 'Message. Great.'

Ann:Ann talking head: 'Until now, my only experience with government was trying to get a recycling bin. Wait. Did I ever get it?'

Ann · Andy:Ann: 'Wait. You were drunk?' Andy: 'Oh, yeah. Totally.' Ann: 'You knew that.' Andy: 'I didn't know that, no.' Ann: 'You should've told me, because we gave you anesthesia at the hospital.'

Leslie · Ann:Ann: 'She didn't ask about Andy being drunk, did she?' Leslie: 'Oh. No. Just your kind of standard questions.' Ann: 'There was one annoying thing. She and Mark had sex with each other.'

Andy · Ann:Group reaction: 'Called it. I called that.' / 'He did, actually. He totally called that.' (Andy about Mark and Shauna)

Ann · Andy:He's been writing all these songs about things that are physically near him. / Sandwich! Are you turkey or ham? / Ham.

Ann:He wrote this new song about what happened to him called The Pit. It's one of those rare songs that rocks really hard, and also informs people about a small public works project.

Ann · Doctor:I have waited on him hand and foot for two months. / Well, I guess that explains it.

Andy · Ann:Babe, hey. We're just about to start. Could you grab me a triple whiskey water? / You would like that, wouldn't you? / Yep. / You have two perfectly good legs. Get it yourself.

George · Ann:Hey, the band's really good. I liked that song Grapple Hound. / Gossip Town? / Right.

Ann:Yeah, they should change their name to Big, Lying Baby. Or Where's My Sandwich? Or Don't Forget To Bring Home Beers After Work.

Mark · Ann:I don't get you and... I mean, it doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, I like Andy a lot. But there's tons of guys out there who have jobs and who respect you and think you're attractive. / Really? / Oh, yeah.

Ann · Mark:You mean guys like you... / No! / For instance? / No, no, no, no, no, not me.

Ann · Mark:Oh. Okay. Good, 'cause, for a second there, I thought you were hitting on me in front of my boyfriend. / No! Not my style. / Even though you did just call him a big, lying baby. And I do find you attractive.

Mark · Ann:But if I were, would you be interested? / No. / Okay. / Let me tell you why, because I'm in a crappy mood...

Ann · Andy:I waited on you hand and foot. / And it was exhausting! / I fed you meals, and you could've had your casts off two weeks ago! / That is not true. / It's not true? / So you're calling Dr. Harris a liar?

Ann:Get out. Get out of my house. / But what... / Take a walk with your overly-healed legs, and let me think about this relationship.

Tom · Leslie · Ann:Tom reveals: 'Pawnee has a gay bar? / Yeah. The Bulge. / It's behind my house. / The Bulge is a gay bar? / Uh, the nights I've wasted there.'

Ann:Ann's talking head about Mark: 'Mark was brought to my hospital the night of the accident. He was here for a week. I think when his head hit the ground, it must've knocked something loose, because he's actually a pretty nice guy now.'

Ann:Ann's talking head: 'And Andy, after we broke up, he told me he was going to Kansas to climb mountains. / So, I don't really know where he is.'

Ann · Mark:Mark asks Ann to go see a documentary together; Ann says: 'What? Yeah, no. I don't think so. That would be like a date.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie suggests inventing a secret language: 'Oh, me, neither. Look, let's invent our own secret language that only we understand. And then we can use it around people and no one will know what we're talking about. / Okay. / But in the meantime, I'm just gonna tell you in English.'

Ann · Leslie:Leslie texts Ann a 'medical emergency'; Ann arrives sober and annoyed: 'And maybe next time don't use the words "medical emergency."'

Ann:Ann's talking head from the party: 'I'm having such a nice time tonight. I've met many interesting people. And there's two bisexual guys here, and I got both of their phone numbers.'

Ann:Ann's reaction: 'Oh, my God.' — while watching Tom and Joan's flattery exchange

Tom · Ann:Tom greets Ann: 'Ann Perkins. How you doing?' / Ann: 'I'm good. How was mountain climbing?'

Ann:Ann's response to Andy's speech: 'Yeah, look. I'm really happy for you about your job and that you've learned some new words, but I'm sure about my decision.'

Ann:Ann's penguin revelation: 'We're just animals. We don't know anything about love.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie tells Ann she called Mark and told him Ann is 'dying to go out with him': 'Plus, I already called him and told him that you were dying to go out with him, so have fun.'

Ann:Ann responds 'Got it' to 'Ovaries before brovaries' — a dry beat of acceptance.

Ann:You make such good coffee. [beat] Look, I know you're saying you're okay but I've been in this position before.

Ann:Ann, in talking head: When Andy and I used to go to the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.

Tom · Ann:Tom secretly taking photos of Mark arriving for his date while pretending to 'test the lens.'

Mark · Ann:Ann joking that she needs another hour to get ready. Mark takes it seriously. Ann: 'You're joking around right now.'

Ann:You know, with a body like this, you don't get the brains too. That was silly.

Ann · Ron:Ann returns to Ron with a ball for a 'catch' while Ron is supposed to be resting his hernia: 'Catch.' / Ron catches it and visibly regrets it.

Ann:Ann's rapid-fire medical condition guesses: 'AIDS? ... Blindness? Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee?'

Ron · Ann:Ron: 'I have a hernia.' / Ann: 'Do you have syphilis?' / Ron: 'I said it's a hernia.' / Ann: 'I know. It's possible to have two things.'

Ron · Ann:Ron agrees to a hospital ride, then reveals he rode his bike: 'Yes, please. But I rode my bike, so I have to go home and get my dad's station wagon.'

Mark · Ann:Mark's elaborate pretend refusal of Ann's nightcap invite: 'I would like you to now please invite me in for a nightcap. Not a chance. No. Just watch what I'm gonna do. Ask me in for a nightcap. Will you come in for a nightcap? Yes, I will. No, no, damn. Drats, I was gonna plan to not.'

Mark · Ann:Mark spots a man 'breaking into that van' — which is actually Tom trying to get back into the stakeout van.

Ann · Mark:Ann: 'You kind of kissed me.' / Mark: 'Yes, I did, and now we both have herpes.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann: 'We didn't think you were a pervert. We thought you were a criminal.' / Leslie (in confessional): 'For the record, I still actually kind of think he's a pervert.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie in confessional: 'Wanna hear something awful? He didn't even know Madeleine Albright.' — Ann replies 'Who?' — Leslie: 'Not you too.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie asks Ann: 'Could you date someone who doesn't love giving vaccinations?' — Ann replies 'I've never dated anyone who loves giving vaccinations.'

Ann · Andy:Ann discovers Andy is living in a tent in the pit outside her house

Ann:Ann: 'I guess that's the office that you were telling me about that you go to every day.'

Ann:Ann's confessional about Andy: 'I always knew he was lazy, but this is like a new low for him.'

Mark · Ann:Mark suggests they invite Andy inside because 'it's raining outside and he's living in a pit'

Ann · Mark:Ann reveals the secret to her cooking: 'A good chef never reveals her secrets. / It's hot sauce.'

Ann · Mark:Someone is at the government office searching for dirt on co-workers. Outsider: 'My taxes pay your salary, right? Cool.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie interrupts a story about someone's life being saved to ask Ann for first date outfit advice, specifically requesting 'a pair of cargo pants' and 'a sexy hat'.

Ann · Leslie:Ann responds to 'a sexy hat': 'I don't know what that even is.' / Leslie: 'Helping already.'

Ann · Store clerk:Ann in a store with Leslie, trying on an outfit: 'Will you be wearing it out of the store today, madame?' / 'I think I will, good lady.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann: 'Those are all insane hypotheticals, and I promise you they won't happen.' / Leslie: 'They have happened. All of these have happened to me.'

Ann:Ann's additional bad date history: 'One time, I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine.' / 'Once, I went out with a guy who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening.' / 'One time, I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie's practice date note cards include: 'Whales, parades, electricity... and the rest are blank.'

Ann:Ann talking-head (or reaction): 'Leslie's in worse shape than I thought.' (watching Leslie practice laughing)

Ann:'Is she practice laughing?' (camera presumably cuts to Leslie doing a visible, mechanical fake laugh)

Leslie · Ann:Ann asks Leslie to ask her a spontaneous question; Leslie freezes, then: 'How big is it?' / Ann: 'Really?'

Ann:Ann opens the door to Leslie at night: 'You're late, and I can see your nipples through your dress.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann as fake-Dave: 'You're 20 minutes late. I almost left.' / Leslie: 'I was... dropping my niece off.' / 'What's your niece's name?' / 'Torple. What? I don't know.' / 'That's not a name.' / 'I don't have a niece.'

Ann:Ann snapping: 'It's a bathroom! It's called a bathroom!'

Ann:Ann (still fake-Dave) takes a phone call mid-date: 'I can't really talk right now, 'cause I'm on a date with this drip.'

Ann · Leslie:'Do you want to watch a porno after this with me and my wife?' / 'No, Dave, 'cause you're disgusting.' / 'So it's definitely a no?'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie breaks character: 'Why are you being so terrible? We're 2 people trying to go on a date. It's supposed to be fun. It's a date.' / Ann: 'You're right, it is.' / 'Well done.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann throws dress to Leslie: 'Catch.' / Leslie: 'I don't need your dress. I'm gonna wear my own stuff. Me power.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann's pep talk escalates to both women yelling 'Hell yeah! I am awesome! You are too!' repeatedly and increasingly loudly.

Ann · Another character (possibly Chris or Ben):Ann tells someone she showed up drunk at Dave's house and didn't sleep with him. Response: 'You didn't sleep with him?' / 'Should I have?' / 'It never hurts.'

Ann · Raul · Other Venezuelans:Can I get anyone anything to drink before we start... Coffee, brandy? / I'd love some coffee. / Anything? / Some nuts. / I'll have some nuts. / Gummi bears. / Sure. / Apple crisps. / Granola bars. / I'll take those. / Nothing? Sure? OK, I'll be right there if you need me.

Leslie · Ann · Tom:Maybe I should return the money. It's from a foreign government. I don't really trust them. / Are you crazy? / You could buy a low-end Lexus. / Or you could build a park.

Leslie · Tom · Ann:Pro, $35,000 worth of dirty money. / Con, not quite sure why that's a pro. / Pro, we can fill in the pit. / Con, Ann already said that. / Pro and con never works. / Pro, yes, it does.

Andy · Ann:Thought I'd give back to those less fortunate than myself. You live in a pit. Not anymore. Living with the drummer of my band. Living indoors. Pretty cool. Not to brag. Kinda hard not to.

Ann · Keith:I could prep, like, 1,000 diagnostic tests. In an hour! That's the spirit.

Leslie · Ann:Say you had a friend who wanted to do something good, but a little risky, and she was kind of nervous. And this friend is me. What should I do?

Ann:You should do it. And ask your friend to help you because your friend totally has your back. And that friend is me.

Ann · Leslie:What are we doing? Is it dangerous? We're not gonna murder anyone.

Ann · Andy:The monitor is not a toy, Andy. Anything is a toy if you play with it.

Ann:Chalk that up to your concussion.

Andy · Ann:It's like I'm lying on a cloud. This is awesome. Ann and Andy, just like old times. The pit works in mysterious ways.

Ann · Andy:What do you... what do you think is happening right now? A tragic accident... reignited feelings you thought were long dead and we are finally back together.

Ann:He has literally everything that you don't have: a job, a car, a steady income, an address, a second pair of shoes, table manners, the ability to say 'tampon' without giggling.

Ann:Mark has his life together. [Beat] I'll get you a different nurse.

Ann · Leslie:That was weird. How long have you been there?

Ann:Leslie, the man lived in a pit. He couldn't find a place to live on the earth's surface, so he went under the ground. You're dealing with a grown man who thinks like a gopher.

Andy · Ann:Baby, I'm back. Thank you so... Why are you naked? Because of what you said, we're getting back together.

Andy · Ann:You should've heard the sexy stuff she said. I said 'hey, Andy, it's Ann, can we talk at my house?' That's not how you said it, you were like, 'Hey, Andy, it's Ann, can you talk at my house?'

Ann:My God, you're such a baby. Literally. Big naked baby, put clothes on.

Leslie · Ann:Has he showed up naked before? Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays.

Mark · Ann:Just one of his conditions for the settlement, I guess. He settled? Gave up $100,000 probably. Just for one thing. The city fill in the pit behind your house. Why? Who knows? Who knows why that gopher does what he does?

Ann · Leslie:You did it. You thinking what I'm thinking? There's so much more to do. We're so close!

Mark/Ben · Tom · Ann · Tom:So, it is an old man feeding pigeons in a park. The spirit of Pawnee, maybe? / You gotta be kidding me. / How is that better than mine? / It isn't. And that's saying something.

Ann · Leslie:Ann saying she's 'ready to relax by the fire and get my Real Simple magazine on' — and Leslie revealing Ann is now a licensed Indiana hunter

Ann:Ann saying 'Bully' as her response to being paired with Leslie for hunting

Ann · Mark:Mark says he hopes Ann is ready for college bowl game talk. Ann replies: 'Bully.'

Ann · Leslie:"Your favorite cake can't be birthday cake. That's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal."

Ann · Leslie:'Look, some kind of bird. Let's kill it.' immediately followed by firing into the woods

Ann · Leslie:The sound of a shot followed by 'What were you aiming at?' 'Nothin'.' — establishing someone has fired at random

Ron · Ann:Ron: 'I'm just gonna stay angry. I find that relaxes me.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie: 'Can you put him on the day bed in the carcass room?' Ann: 'Day bed?'

Ron · Ann:Ron seeing a lady's mouth 'french kissing a dog' when he looks at his palm due to pain medication

Ron · Ann · Donna:Ron has taken eight Donna's menstrual cramp pills and washed them down with scotch

Ron · Leslie · Ann:Ron threatening to bite Leslie as she tries to force him to vomit: 'I'll bite you!'

Ann:Ann: 'I am hoping that he has some memory loss.'

Tom · Ann · Leslie:'Maybe Ron shot himself. He has seemed really depressed lately.' 'He was shot in the back of the head.'

Ann · Mark:Ann and Mark killing time doing dramatic readings: 'That man wasn't my brother. He was my husband!'

Fourth Floor Denizen · Ann:Hey, boo, you're pretty. / Are you on probation? / I got clean urine. You need female, I got female.

Mark · Ann:What a coincidence. Are you in this office purely for business reasons? / Pleasure, actually. My boyfriend, Mark, works here.

Leslie · Ann:I will have the Jamaican jerk chicken veloci-wrap. / I'm gonna get the tricera-chops, please.

Ann · Server · Ann · Server:How do you want that cooked? / Medium roar. / Medium rare? / No, medium roar. / For legal reasons, we can't make puns about the temperature of the meats.

Ann · Ron:It's rough in here. Is it always like this? / I wouldn't know. Don't like strip clubs. Smells like a wet mop in here. And I get the feeling that these women is running a low-grade fever.

Ann · Andy:I hope I'm not gonna have to explain to you that you don't own me. / Of course not. I never for one second thought that that was for real.

Ann · Andy:If you say 'psych', I'm gonna be really pissed. / You remembered how much I like to say 'psych'.

Ann · Andy:If you say 'psych', I'm gonna be really pissed. / You remembered how much I like to say 'psych'.

Ann · Andy:I thought for a second you were gonna chase after me, but you didn't. / I meant every word I said.

Leslie · Ann:It was fine. Pretty straightforward. / Short meeting. He's a busy guy. / Yes, very busy.

Ann · Stranger:Nobody even reads that thing. / Leslie! What? Nice work, girl.

Ann · Reporter · Leslie:Leslie Knope? Alexa Softcastle, Pawnee Sun. Can I ask you a few questions? / Don't say anything. / I'm not afraid to say anything. Okay? I have nothing to hide.

Ann · Leslie:You could learn how to surf. / I know how to surf. / I took lessons when I was a kid. I'm actually pretty good. / I bet you are.

Joan Callamezzo · Leslie · Ann:Well, sure. I see you brought your girlfriend for support. That's nice. / What? Oh, no. She's not my... / And in five, Joan. / She's a... We're... Four. Three. / You've got it wrong.

Ann:It's like I'm invisible.

Leslie · Ann · Joan Callamezzo:Fine. Here, Joan. Why don't you look for yourself? / Is this happening? / Wait. / There's no mole. There is no mole. / This exclusive story, there is no mole on Miss Knope!

Leslie · Ann:Ann suggests a simple one-on-one dinner; Leslie immediately hijacks it into a 'big rambling party' and calls their lunches 'think tanks.'

Leslie · Ann:A dinner party! That's genius... No, I actually meant more like a one-on-one thing. / I know what you meant, but I took your idea and I made it better. / It's called a think tank, Ann.

Ann:Ann's reaction to seeing Leslie's house for the first time: 'Now, I can believe it.' (re: never having been invited over)

Ann:Ann's talking-head: 'I think I need to call Child Services and have Leslie taken away from herself.'

Ann:Ann describes Leslie's house as 'like a crazy person's garage.'

Ann · Leslie:The birdhouse exchange: 'What do you need this birdhouse for?' / 'I might need it.' / 'What about this one?' / 'Well, if two birds come along?'

Tom · Ann:Tom gives Ann a teddy bear as a 'belated Valentine's Day' gift a full month after Valentine's Day, then immediately pivots to 'Happy early Valentine's Day' when called out

Tom · Ann:Tom insists the teddy bear is 'a regular, camera-less teddy bear' then immediately says 'Just put it in your bedroom, don't even think about it. It's a robot bear. It's programmed to snuggle!'

Donna · Ann:Donna takes the bear after hearing it has a camera in it, saying simply 'I know.'

Ann:Ann's talking-head: 'I'm paying April 50 bucks to watch my house while I'm away. I would have asked Leslie, but I've seen the way she takes care of her house.'

Ann · April:Ann's talking-head ends with 'Maybe even... I don't like Ann. Become friends. Who knows?' — intercut with April's simultaneous confessional 'I don't like Ann.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann's final reaction: 'I'm gonna go. / I think that would be best.'

Tom · Ann:Tom is visibly losing the arm wrestle while counting 'Three, four, five...' and the stranger walks in

Ann · Mark/Ben:The black guy with the Looney Tunes ties? I love him. / No. Jerry who works with Leslie. / That Jerry? / He got mugged? / Oh. Well, I mean, that's kind of a bummer, too.

Andy · Ann:Scrotation Marks. / I don't know what you're talking about, but my gut says no. / New band name.

Ann · Andy:How are people going to become fans if they literally don't know the name of the band they're listening to? / That is a really good point.

Ann:He's like a baby in a straightjacket.

Ann:Ooh! 'Baby in a Straightjacket.' That's a good band name. I should tell him that.

Ann:Ann's talking head: she watches Lifetime movies for self-defense tips — specifically 'How Far is Too Far Enough: The Teri Palliber Lonergan Story'

Ann:Since when did he start doing stuff for other people? / Now I actually am worried that something happened to his brain.

Ann · Mark:Ann surprises Ben(Mark) with a six-month anniversary gift — a chicken salad sandwich; he produces a Swiss Army watch saying 'Swiss Army watch, mofo'

Mark · Ann:'Are you allowed to kiss me in a hospital room?' / 'Oh, don't worry about it. He's dead.' / 'Oh, my god.' / 'I'm just kidding. He's sleeping.'

April · Ann · Andy:Food fight with smoked salmon — 'April threw the smoked salmon on the roof.'

Tom · Ann · Mark:Tom suggests the couples should 'go on more dates with Tom.' Ann agrees: 'You have, and thank god an opportunity presented itself.'

Tom · Ann:Tom asks Ann 'And would it kill you to put on some lipstick? Do you even own lipstick?' while directing the photo shoot

Tom · Ann · Mark:Tom directing the photo shoot: 'Keep slithering! Keep slithering!'

Tom · Ann · Mark:Tom: 'Ann, can you give me something, anything in the face?' / Mark: 'I'm not doing anything, so...'

Tom · Ann:Tom's photo shoot critique: 'Maxim or Good Housekeeping?' — pause — 'I'm not sure which one is the insult.'

Tom · Ann · Mark:Tom: 'Bobby, you can have as many juice boxes as you want... Mark, great job. You can have a juice box too. Ann, take a walk with me.'

Tom · Ann:Tom suggests Ann go nude for the photo shoot; Ann says goodbye; Tom: 'I totally understand, but we should get one for safety.'

Tom · Ann:Tom to Ann about her ring area: 'We need to do something to distract from this ring area.'

Tom · Ann:April presents the 'Ann and Mark swing photos' — Tom calls them the 'unhappy wife photos'

Tom · Leslie · Ann:Tom calls the photos of Ann and Mark on the swing 'the unhappy wife photos'; Leslie immediately agrees that Ann looks miserable.

Leslie · Ann:Leslie takes her coffee and Ann's coffee for Mark, saying 'next time more sugar.'

Ron · Ann:Ron tells Ann she can 'head home early' and recruits her for meetings anyway, ending with 'Just sit there and don't ruin the city.'

Ann · Citizen:Ann reveals to a citizen: 'I don't actually work in the parks department. I'm a nurse.' Citizen: 'That's great news. I have the weirdest thing on my arm.'

Leslie · April · Ann · Ben:A puppy arrives in the office and multiple adults immediately lose their minds over it — 'Puppy! A puppy is here! Can we keep him?'

Ann:You stayed up all night the night before an all-night telethon.

Tom · Ann:Salad sucks. There. I said it. / Feel better? / Yep.

Leslie · Ann:There's some secret ingredient in these NutriYum bars that makes me feel so good. / Sugar. It's a block of sugar.

Joan Callamezzo · Ann:How are things going with you two? / They're going really well. We're going to get married and I'm pregnant with his child.

Leslie · Ann:God, we're not getting any donations coming in. I'm tired of waiting for people to call us. Let's call them. Everybody call somebody. / Leslie, it's the middle of the night. / Well then, good. They'll be home.

Leslie · Mark · Ann:So, that's why you pulled your pants down. / Yeah. / Wait, what did I do?

Leslie · Ann:I'm a little tired. / Okay. / So, I may have parked on your front lawn. / You did. / I did. / Oh! / Yeah.

Ann:She's been asleep for... twenty-two hours.

Ann:I've been monitoring her vital signs. She's totally fine. I love her so much. But I think I'm going to draw a mustache on her face.

Ann · Leslie:Ann asks 'You wanna get super drunk?' and Leslie responds 'I really do.' — then they immediately start looking for their friend

Ann · Andy:Ann asks Andy 'Was I a good girlfriend?' / Andy: 'Ann, you were an awesome girlfriend.' / Ann: 'Really?' / Andy: 'Yeah... I mean, I was the screwup.' / Ann: 'Yeah, you were.'

Ann:Ann confessional: 'I loved Andy. Loved him. Loved Andy. He was a totally helpless baby when we met. I dated him for three years. Now he's an adult with a job. And some other girl is gonna reap the rewards of my hard work? That's bull[bleep].'

Ann:Ann: 'You know what's weird? How thirsty I get when I'm weird.' Pause. 'When I'm drunk.'

Leslie · Ann · Ben:Leslie tells Ben to leave: 'I just talked to everybody in this bar and nobody wants you here.' then after he leaves, Ann says 'Leslie, that was so professional. I'm so proud of you.'

Ann · Jerry:Ann sees Jerry at the office and checks: 'Yeah, crazy...' then to Leslie, after Jerry leaves: 'So it's not Jerry.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann reveals to Leslie that they didn't make out — but drags out the revelation for maximum suspense: 'This is going to be so fun letting you dangle until I finally reveal that we did not make out.'

Chris · Ann:Chris appears and cheerfully greets Ann: 'Hey. Ann Perkins!' — with maximum enthusiasm for her full name

Ann:Ann waking up in a cab, drunk, being told she's getting a cab by Leslie: 'Mm-mm-mm, mm-mm-mm. Mm.'

Ann · Chris:Ann can't remember her own phone number but gave a stranger her phone: 'You have my phone number?' / 'No, you couldn't remember your phone number. But you gave me your phone.'

April · Ann:'I want another nurse.' / 'Well, there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now.' / 'Then, I want a janitor. They can do what you do, right?' / 'Yep. Nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable.'

Ann · April:'Please don't do that.' / 'Do? I can't do anything. I'm sick.' — April's passive-aggressive weaponization of her illness.

Chris · Ann:Chris's talking-head about flu prevention: 'My body is finely-tuned, like a microchip, and the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system.' / 'My body's like a chip, too. A potato chip.'

Ann:Ann's talking-head about Chris: 'The problem is he's like a perfect human man. I can't find one flaw. There was one time I thought he farted. But it was me.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie protests she's not sick by attempting cartwheels: 'If I was sick, could I do this?' — then clearly fails at performing them.

April · Ann:April accuses Ann of trying to smother her: 'Are you trying to smother me? Help! This slutty nurse is trying to smother me to death with a pillow!'

Ann:Ann's talking-head: 'I know what she's trying to do. She's trying to get me to break. And you know what? I'm not going to do it. I'm going to be professional and I'm going to put on a happy face. And then, I'm going to go into a supply closet and snap a bunch of tongue depressors.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie sneaks out of hospital in a scarf, asking if it looks 'stuffy' or too 'schlubby', while being ordered back to bed.

Chris · Ann:Chris's rapid deterioration — he's in the hospital hours after proudly proclaiming his body is like a microchip: 'Things happen very quickly. Listen to me. My brain is on fire. I'm dying.'

April · Ann:April's talking-head: 'I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my flu medicine, told me not to tell you, and then disappeared through that hole in the wall.' / 'The door?'

Ann:Ann's speech to April: 'While I was on duty, I didn't. Now it's just me.' — then immediately laying into April after clocking out.

Andy · Ann:After Chris raves about Andy's shoeshine and leaves without paying, Andy says quietly: 'He didn't... he didn't pay me.'

Ann · Andy:Ann explains Andy isn't her boss, Andy is astonished, then: 'God dang it. I cannot figure out who my boss is.'

Ann:Ann's confessional: 'I just started dating Chris, and I don't know how, but Andy's gonna screw it up. Andy screws everything up. When we were dating, I bought him a fish and I don't want to get into it, but somehow that fish ended up dead in a cowboy boot.'

Andy · April · Ann:Eduardo has returned to Venezuela. Ann: 'Oh, that sucks.' April: 'He was a really good bassist. I was actually starting to like him.' Andy: 'I know. That's what made me start to hate him.'

Chris · Ann:Chris tells Ann: 'And he told me that I would be crazy to let you away.' Then immediately: 'And also, there's a pretzel stand over there that literally serves the best pretzel I've ever had. Would you like one?'

April · Ann:April calls Ann on Chris's behalf but tells her Chris can't make lunch, then adds: 'I knew you wouldn't care. Good-bye.'

April · Ann · Chris:April calls Ann on behalf of Chris, pretending Chris canceled lunch, then April tells Ann that Chris 'doesn't like you' and 'he's not into you sexually.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie asks if her dress says 'Hello, general assembly, I've come to Indianapolis to accept your commendation' — and gets the answer 'As much as any one dress could'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie's immediate 'What? That lying bastard.' before Ann has provided any evidence of cheating

Chris · Ann:The reveal: Chris broke up with Ann last week, but Ann didn't realize it

Ann · Chris:Ann realizes she kissed Chris after the breakup, met his parents, etc. — and Chris confirms all of this with increasing awkwardness

Ann · Leslie:Ann's bad breakup history montage: a guy's mom called to break up for him; broke her kneecap on a date and was abandoned; a guy got on one knee to beg her to never call again; a guy broke up in the shower; skywriting; the picnic where 'don't eat anything, Rebecca's coming'

Tom · Ann · Ben:Everyone at the Snakehole knew Ann kissed Chris post-breakup — 'We were all seriously confused about that. Who's we? What are you...? Oh, God.'

Ben · Leslie · Tom · Ron · Ann · Chris:The entire office erupts in disbelief and joy at seeing Li'l Sebastian while Ben watches, confused.

Ann:Ann's breakup post-mortem: sobbing at a pizza buffet until they asked her to leave, $700 in candles from Anthropologie, looking at dog adoption websites, and 'I did this to my hair.'

Ann:Ann's talking head: 'It's a whole new Ann Perkins. I'm putting myself out there... and it is... awkward.'

Donna · Ann:Ann tells Donna she's there because of Donna's own advice to be more adventurous. Donna: 'Here's some more advice... Beat it.'

Ann · Brian:Ann mishears a question from a man, laughs and says 'Yeah,' then he reveals: 'You just laughed and said Yeah?'

Donna · Ann:Donna drags Ann away and says: 'That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell from the movie Nell?'

Orin · Ann:Orin tells Ann a story about telling a boyfriend 'I love you' underwater scuba diving and he shot up too fast and got the bends.

Ann · Donna:Ann reports back to Donna: 'He proudly told me that he beat herpes.'

Donna · Ann:Donna to Ann about finding a man: 'What? Listen, you are a hot, young doctor.' Ann: 'I'm a nurse, actually.' Donna: 'Okay, I don't know you.'

Orin · Ann:Ann is cornered by Orin: 'Exactly. Mortality. See, I like to take each day at a time. There's nothing in the world we can't accomplish if we try. I have to go. It's been great talking to you.'

Donna · Ann:Donna teaches Ann the texting game: 'Hope we can get together soon.' / 'Okay, now you write, Who is this?'

Ann:Ann realizes: 'Oh my God. The baby is Tom.'

Ann · Leslie:Leslie asks Ann and Mark to help hide a stolen painting. Ann: 'I like it. It's very simple.' Then they flip it over and Ann reacts: 'Oh my God. Is that you as a naked horse?'

Mark · Ann · Leslie:Mark and Ann both say they 'would totally hit that' regarding the centaur Leslie painting — as a compliment to Leslie

Donna · Ann · Leslie:Donna: 'I would totally hit that.' / Ann: 'So would I.' / Leslie: 'You guys are sweet.'

Ann:Ann's line: 'That's what people always say when something sucks.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie introduces Ann: 'This is Ann. She is my best friend... Now.' (pointed pause before 'Now')

Ann · Leslie:Ann on Leslie being in jail: 'Oh my God, are you okay?' Leslie: 'It was a rough night, but I survived.' Ann: offers a scone. 'They only have maple walnut.'

Ann:Ann offers to 'beat her senseless with a baseball bat' as the most important point in her advice to Leslie

Ann:Ann: 'Can we just stop off at the lobby? 'Cause the prison gift bags are amazing.'

Ann:Ann: 'Wow! That was the most sexual tension I have ever seen in a conversation about documents.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie: 'We could both get fired.' Ann: 'That's a dumb rule.' Leslie: 'I know!'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie holds up 'Pretty Woman prostitute dress' and Ann says 'I know. I look really good in it.'

Ann:Ann suggests: 'Why don't you ask him about his penis?'

Ben · Ann:Ben discovers an Al Green song hidden in the CD: 'Oh, no, no, no. This is such a great song.' Ann in confessional: 'I want them to get together. Sue me.'

Leslie · Ann:Ann responds to Leslie's urgent code: 'Ann, we have a serious code Ben.' Ann: 'Well, it's not really code if you say his name.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie reads her own pre-written script back through Ann: 'Leslie, it's Leslie Knope from the Parks Department speaking to you through Ann Perkins, friend and beautiful nurse.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie debates herself through Ann: 'No, you... Then, Leslie, Leslie, you don't know what you're talking about.' then proceeds to talk herself INTO making out with Ben anyway

Ann:Ann's 'No. Don't. Stop.' said with zero conviction while clearly rooting for Leslie to go for it

April · Ann:April: 'Oh, wow. I didn't realize you were a marriage counselor, Ann.' Then a beat. 'Sorry. My instinct is to be mean to you. I understand.'

Ron · Ann:You know what? Don't bother. Maybe I'll just find an open window and plummet to my death. Okay.

Ann · Ron:This isn't gonna work. Okay, you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you.

Marlene · Leslie · Ann:I like this one. Me, too. You keep your hands off him.

Ann:Margaret's pecan squares. They are like crack. I brought you one.

Ann · Ben:Ann sees the kiss monster Leslie drew on Ben's note and simply says 'Yeah.'

Ann · Ben:Ann about Ben and Leslie's secret workplace romance: 'You guys are totally welcome to use my office, just don't do anything on my desk.' Ben: 'Oh, we don't... You know. We just like to work in the same place, and then we talk and hold hands.' Ann: 'Yuck, that's somehow worse.'

Jean-Ralphio · Ann:Jean-Ralphio is shocked to hear Li'l Sebastian died, then speculates: 'Like tendonitis?' when Ann mentions the horse 'had a lot of ailments'

Jean-Ralphio · Ann:Ann: 'I don't have his chart in front of me.' Jean-Ralphio: 'Could you get it?' Ann: 'What? No... There's no chart.' Jean-Ralphio: 'Oh, my God. Death is inescapable. Goodbye, Ann Perkins.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie tells Ann she feels her life is 'almost perfect' but they have to sneak around, then adds 'weirdly, it's kind of fun that nobody knows'

Chris · Ann:Chris calls Ann to ask if tendonitis is 'symptomatic of something larger' — after an elaborate buildup implying a serious question

Ann:Ann to Chris: 'I'm not your nurse, and I'm not your girlfriend — I thought I was twice, and I was wrong, which was embarrassing.'

Chris · Ann:Chris and Ann bond over his tendonitis: Ann: 'You need to relax. You're in great shape. For a 44-year-old.' Chris: 'Yeah. That's how old you are, man.'

Chris · Ann:Chris: 'I don't like thinking about death. Death is the opposite of...' Ann: 'Being alive?' Chris: 'Exactly.'

Chris · Ann:Chris and Ann declare themselves friends: 'What the hell. Friends.' / 'Ann Perkins.' / 'Chris Traeger.' Chris then says: 'What's the point in doing 10,000 push-ups if you're gonna do them alone? I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a wonderful woman. Sitting on my back to increase my resistance.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann: 'Oh. I wasn't competing for that.' Leslie: 'I'll say.'

Ann:Ann reveals she made corn-husk dolls 'for everyone' but they turned out to look like monsters, so she puts them in the fire.

Ben · Tom · Ann:Final tag: Parks department internet goes down. Tom, Ann etc. call Ben back in. Ben walks in, fixes it by unplugging and replugging the router. Then: 'Well, give it a minute. God.' [router takes a minute to work]

Ann:Ann's deadpan: 'Oh, boy. Okay. Wow! I'm sure this is nothing.' — then immediately: 'Okay, well, that was definitely something.'

Ann · Herb:Ann's meditation on reincarnation: 'You spend so much time trying to figure out what you're going to be in the next lifetime that you forget to enjoy the one you're in now.' / Herb: 'Ann Perkins, that was beautiful.'

Ann:Ann's sarcastic advice about Chris's relationship: 'Wow. A four-date-long relationship might not be 100% perfect? I think you should launch a full-scale investigation.'

Ann · Chris:Ann: 'Glad I could help in these trying times.' Chris: 'Sarcasm again! You're a delight.'

Ann · Chris:Ann's check: 'You didn't tell that girl you love her, did you?' Chris: 'No. I'm not crazy.'

Ann · Chris · Jerry:Ann: 'And the jacuzzi broke. But I did... eat food off of your body.' Chris: 'Oh, come on.' Jerry: 'All right, Chris and Ann!'

Ann:Ann's revelation: 'I was so into you, okay, and you basically turned me into a female version of yourself, and then you got bored dating me because you were dating yourself.'

Ann · Chris:Ann: 'I mean, I hate jogging.' Chris: 'Jogging's amazing!' Ann: 'Jogging is the worst, Chris. I mean, I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?' Chris: 'Well, I'm sorry that I added five years to your life.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie, in full crisis mode, hatches a plan to drag out the tiny park project: 'I should just drag out that tiny park project for as long as possible so Ben and I can keep working together.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie announces a plan to get the neighborhood riled up to demand an Environmental Impact Report and keep working with Ben for 'at least another year.' Ann protests; Leslie: 'Good idea, Ann.' / 'No, Ann.' / 'Will you just shut your beautiful pie hole?'

Leslie · Ann:Ann confronts Leslie about being a steamroller: 'You made me watch all eight Harry Potter movies. I don't even like Harry Potter.' Leslie: 'That's insane. You love Harry Potter. You've seen all eight movies.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann: 'When we go out to a bar, you order my drinks for me.' Leslie: 'Because you order white wine and it gives you a headache.' Ann: 'Well, it's my headache.'

Ann:Ann finally gets through to Leslie: 'You're a steamroller! You are a massive, enormous, runaway steamroller, with no brakes and a cement brick on the gas pedal.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie's self-critique: 'I'm the worst.' Ann corrects her: 'No, you're very passionate.' Leslie: 'Well, then, you should call me a bulldozer rather than a steamroller.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie searches for the metaphor: 'Okay. Well, this steamroller is hanging up her...' [long pause] 'The roll-y thing on the front of the machine. What do you, what do you call that?' Ann: 'Roller?' Leslie: 'Probably. Okay.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie: 'Well, this steamroller is hanging up her... [pause] ...The roll-y thing on the front of the machine. What do you, what do you call that?' Ann: 'Roller?' Leslie: 'Probably. Okay.'

Ann · Ben:Ann's cheesecake admission: 'She once made me eat an entire cheesecake at a potluck so she didn't look bad.' Ben: 'You ate an entire cheesecake? Why didn't you just throw it away?' Ann: 'Because with everything she's done for me, I would eat 10 cheesecakes for her. Also, PS, it was delicious and amazing, like everything she does.'

Ron · Ben · Ann · Tom · Andy · April · Donna:The reaction shot to whatever large gift Leslie installed for Ron — characters are moved to tears by something the audience doesn't see yet

Jerry · Ann:Marshmallow fluff scoop incident — 'Did you just scoop it out of the jar with your hand like a bear?' 'Yes.'

Tom · Ann:Tom's word cloud showing Leslie's most-used words — 'Ben' appears, but much larger: 'Ann'

Ron · Tom · April · Ann:Ron proposes a scale wood model of the office; immediately gets steamrolled into a gingerbread version and takes credit for it

Ann:Ann awkwardly tries to offer congratulations to her friends in relationships and admits: 'It's really hard to say 'congrats' without sounding sarcastic.' Then immediately: 'Seriously, I really hope you guys are all very happy. Damn it.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie internally resolves: 'Oh, Ann. You beautiful spinster. I will find you love.' Then immediately pretends she said nothing when Ann turns around: 'What? Did you say something? I love you. Thank you all for being here.'

Ann:Ann describes a hypothetical more depressing situation than being at a couples dance solo: 'What about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom and you're the only one there without a date, so the bride makes you dance to Single Ladies by yourself?'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie introduces Ann to her 'lawyer friend Alex': 'Ann is the greatest human being ever invented.' Then immediately: 'So I'm going to... What? Someone needs me. I'm going to go. And you two just hit it off now. You crazy kids.'

Jeff · Ann · Leslie:A bachelor named Jeff tells Ann: 'You didn't tell me that your friend was so beautiful.' Ann: 'Oh! Thanks, Jeff.' Jeff: 'Not as beautiful as my sister, but you know the law.'

Harris · Tom · Leslie · Ann:Harris, the first wildcard bachelor, introduces himself to Ann: 'I'm Harris. I heard you were desperate for a man piece. We in business?' Tom then whispers to Leslie: 'He's 33 years old, still lives with his parents, and he's been to at least 200 Phish concerts.' Harris: 'Try 308.'

Tom · Bill · Ann:Ann passes on Harris. Tom introduces Bill: 'This stunning woman saves lives for a living. What do you bring to the table?' Bill: 'Where to begin? I'm an amateur juggler.' Tom immediately: 'Nope, you shouldn't have begun there. Get out. No one's trying to get with jugglers. Thanks for playing.'

Leslie · Ann:Ann tells Leslie she's met 'a lot of different guys tonight.' Leslie: 'How lucky that that happened to you on Valentine's Day.' Ann catches the sarcasm and thanks Leslie genuinely. Then asks Leslie to just let her go home. Leslie: 'Can you just do me a favor and give me your car keys for a second? There's something I need to look at on your car keys.' Ann: 'You're going to throw them on the roof again so I can't leave.' Leslie: 'You know me too well.'

Leslie · Ben · Ann · Tom · April:Leslie and Ben burst in to confront Ann and Chris on their secret date — only to find Ann and Tom on a date. Leslie: 'What?' Long pause as this registers. Then: 'April. Tom and Ann are on a date.' April: 'I know.' Leslie: 'What do you mean you know?'

April · Leslie · Ann:Flashback/reveal: April telling Ann to ask out Tom. April makes the case: 'This is a small loser town with loser people, and Tom's, like, at least semi-cool.' Then: Leslie responds: 'You know what I'm hearing? You tried to make Ann happy for Valentine's Day. You're a very nice person.' April: 'No.' Leslie: 'Yes, you are. A very nice person.' April: 'Bye.'

Tom · Ann:Tom and Ann on their date. Tom says 'So, Ann. It's finally happening.' Ann looks uncomfortable. Tom: 'Dude, this is so close to falling apart.' Ann: 'Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Can I be honest? I'm a little freaked out. Like, I don't really understand what's going on.'

Tom · Ann:Tom pitches his version of the evening to Ann: '...we grab drinks here, get to know each other, whatever. Then, we go back to my place and snuggle up like little bunnies.' Ann: 'Yeah, this was a mistake.' Tom: 'No!'

Tom · Ann:Tom's list of nicknames for Ann: 'Boo Boo Bear, Cookie Tush, Winnie the Boo, Lady Presh Presh, Annberry Sauce, Annie Get Your Boo, Tommy's Girl, Annie Banannie'

Tom · Ann:Tom attempts some kind of romantic physical move on Ann in the office; Ann shuts it down: 'Is this not one of those? I might have misread the vibe.'

Tom · Ann:Tom: 'Can I at least change my Facebook status to "in a relationship"?' / Ann: 'Definitely not.' / Tom: '"It's complicated"?' / Ann: 'Whatever.' / Tom: 'Am I in a relationship?' / [scene cut] / Tom talking head: 'It's complicated.'

Tom · Jerry · Ann:Jerry is eating during a meeting. Tom: 'Jerry, if you're eating, you're not listening.' Jerry: 'Thanks, babe.'

Tom · Ann · Chris:Ann and Chris share a water bottle; Tom walks in and starts 'That's sweet. The two of you sharing a nice bottle of...' then realizes they told people about their date

Tom · Ann:Ann confrontation: 'Ann, I caught feelings for you. And I want you to be my girl. And I don't care who knows.' / Ann: 'I know you don't care, dummy. I care.'

Tom · Ann:Tom tells Ann: 'Let's not get hung up on who wants what.' / Ann: 'You know what? I'm calling this. We're done.' / Tom: 'What about our next date?'

Tom · Ann:Ann: 'If you want another date, keep walking away.' Tom watches: 'She's still walking.'

Ann · Tom:Ann: 'Why do you have to be so you all the time?' / Tom: 'I'm sorry. Will you help me get out of these wet clothes?'

Tom · Ann:Ann agrees to go out with Tom: 'Dude, you wore me down. Just stop singing. Please.' / Tom: 'The four sweetest words in the English language. "You wore me down."'

Tom · Ann:Nobody owns me, cupcake, not even you. You can either burn these hats in a fire, or you can use a blowtorch.

Tom · Ann:How about this option? We put the hats on-- / Don't say it. / We take everything else off.

Tom · Ann:Let's talk minimum acceptable thread count for sheets. Stop me when I hit it. 1,000... 800... 700... 600? Ann, I'm at 600. Are you really not stopping me?

Ann:It's like I'm dating some idiotic game show host. He is driving me crazy with these stupid questions.

Ann:Wait, is he gonna break up with me? / ... / No, no, no, no, no, no. No. That's not how this ends, okay? I break up with him.

Ann · Tom:You told April you were breaking up with me? / Ann, we consistently disagree on 'who wore it best.' You still use an iPad one. You read books all the time.

Ann:You put 20-inch rims on your Volkswagen Golf, and you insist on being introduced as 'the brown Gosling.'

Tom · Ann · April:Fine with me. / Fine, fine. / Oh, April. / I'm drunk. You made me drunk, you made me drunk, and you--

Ben · Tom · Ann:Guys... guys... What do I do? I mean, she's asleep. / You probably should just sit there and not move. She's really tired. Just a few hours.

Ann · Leslie:Ann sneaks into Tom's apartment in 'sneak-around clothes' like it's a covert operation

Ann:'Tom and I have been seeing each other for a few weeks, and I think I'm ready to say I love you... to his apartment. I love you so much.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann rapturously catalogues Tom's apartment amenities: blankets on every surface, a whole shelf of coconut water, cheese plate and Adriatic figs

Ann:'I think I'm going to cry. This is like girl heaven.'

Ann:'He's deeply in debt. But you know what? Who cares? Because check it out. A cheese plate and Adriatic figs.'

Ann · Leslie:Continuing inventory: 'Boutique eye cream. Unisex cologne. Lip exfoliator. Chocolate covered almonds and a sudoku book. Just amenities everywhere.'

Ann · Ron:Ann delivers blank papers to Ron, claiming 'These are blank,' then immediately asks if she can ask a question anyway — Ron observes 'Weird.'

Ann:Ann's description of Chris's meditation: 'It's crazy boring. It lasts forever. You're going to wish you were dead.'

Ann:'Do you want to borrow my yoga pants?' — Ann to Ron

Ann:Ann to Ben: 'I will not let you return to a life of shaving wieners and dodging knife attacks from meth heads.'

Chris · Ann:I've heard that you and Tom Haverford are no longer romantically involved. Is that true? / Yes, we broke up. And I honestly can't believe we ever dated. / Does defy logic.

Ann · Tom:What the hell is wrong with you? / Oh, I don't know. Maybe the fact that we just broke up, and you're already riding the Traeger train.

Ann · Leslie:Is he sad? / Oh, my God. He looks sad.

Ann · Leslie · Ben:The whole team has been waiting for the news; Ann finally asks 'Hey, were you going to tell us something?'

Andy · Ben · Ann · April · Donna · Chris:'Also, from now on, we'll be using code names. You can address me as Eagle One. Ann, code name: Been there, done that. April is Currently doing that. Donna is It happened once in a dream. Chris, code name: If I had to pick a dude. Ben is Eagle Two.' / Ben: 'Oh, thank God.'

Leslie · Ben · Ann:Leslie to Ben: 'Good answer, great body.' Then to Ann: 'try to beat what he said.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie to Ann: 'There is nothing harder in the entire world than saying no to your beautiful face. But I'm going to.'

Ben · Leslie · Ann:Ben's plan: apologize to Bobby, leak details to press, use it to buy time to finish the bus tour. Ann: 'No, that's not a real apology. It's just sneaky.' Ben and Leslie: [continue planning around her objection]

Tom · Ann:Tom and Ann's talking-head reveal: they broke up after day one of moving in together but are faking being together to win a bet

Tom · Ann:Flashback: Tom and Ann drunkenly agreeing to move in together with 'No take-backs when we sober up, though, partner. No take-backs, partner.'

Tom · Ann:Tom has put glitter in the laundry detergent: 'SparkleSuds. Dress Loud.'

Tom · Ann:Tom has put glitter in the butter: 'Disco Dairy. Spread the Party.'

Tom · Ann · Donna:Tom to Donna: 'We're good. We're really good. No, just spending a little time with my baby girl.' Ann: 'Ew. Get off me.'

Ann · Tom:Ann and Tom's fake public display of affection: 'Oh, my God. You're so smart. Tom. You're amazing. Kiss me more. Uh-huh.'

Ann · Tom:Ann puts glitter in all of Tom's moisturizers: 'SparkleSkin by Annie. Twinkle, Twinkle, Big Star.' Tom: 'Ann. That is an amazing idea and I will buy it from you. But never do that again.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie in crisis runs for a sugar fix; Ann physically tackles her to stop it

Leslie · Ann:Leslie's straw poll: citizens hold up green/red cards. 'About half?' / 'Half.' Then the second statement also gets... 'Half and half.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie drinks all six sodas mixed together, describes it as tasting 'disgusting'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie's extended metaphor: 'floating in a giant river of ambiguity... warm waterfall of uncertainty' — Ann: 'Do you just have to pee real bad?'

Ann · Leslie:Ann's medical assessment: 'Your pulse is super-fast, but that wouldn't be out of line for someone who drank and then barfed up a gallon of sugar water.'

Tom · Leslie · Ann:Tom, while Leslie has a medical crisis: 'Jeez. Do you guys know how to dissolve super glue?'

Ann · co-worker:Leslie and Ben are engaged! Again? You guys!

Ann:No, no, no. No, there's more tissue. Everything goes away.

Leslie · Ann:Ann, you are such a good friend. You are a beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox. Thank you, ox, for keeping this ship afloat.

April · Ann:Wait, why is Chris crying? Why is Chris emotional? Like, what kind of stuff? Why isn't he dating anyone? Yeah, why don't you date him? Because I'm dating myself right now. Okay? I'm trying to figure out how to make me happy. Ugh. Why is it always about you, Ann? Self-centered much?

Chris · Ann:Ann Perkins. You are, without a doubt, the queen of toilet humor. That's all I ever wanted to be.

Ann:Ann: 'I hate Paunch Burger, but if there is one in my backyard, I will eat there, like, every night, and that is no good.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie: 'Yes. We'll have triple-sex with him.' Ann: 'No. I have an idea... it is a dick move.' Leslie: 'I love it.'

Leslie · April · Ann · Jamm:After the deal: 'You just got knoped. And ludgated.' / 'And perkinsed.' / 'Ha-ha. Nice try. It didn't work.' / Jamm: 'You just got jammed.'

Tom · Ann:Ha! That's hilarious. You should do stand-up. [beat] If you're kidding, you suck, but if you're serious, I actually have been thinking about it.

Ann:Sorry, guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry.

Ann · Donna · Tom · Others · Donna:Oh, Donna. You can come in. / Okay. / What? What about us? / What? Donna! / Merry critches, bitches!

Ann · Tom · Ann:Well, well, well. You want to come into Jerry's party? And why is that? / I need a place to deliver this baby, Ann. It's coming out of me right now. I'm pregnant. [pause] / This is a lovely party thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. There's no place for meanies.

Ann:Are there curly fries? I love their curly fries.

Leslie Knope · Ann:Tell the hospital director to flush all the flu vaccines down the toilet. / You got it. / Chief Fugleberg, order your officers to find all infected birds and perform CPR.

Ann:Ann says 'Piece of cake' then immediately panic-realizes 'Oh, we have to get the wedding cake. I'll do that too.'

Ann:Ann's talking head: 'I feel like every crazy thing Leslie's ever had me do has been like a drill, and today is the real thing. I'm ready, because I had the greatest teacher in the world. Leslie. Who is crazy.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie's suggestion: 'How did Cinderella finish her dress so fast?' Answer: 'Squirrels and birds.' — 'That's not very helpful.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann's Project Runway pitch — 'I've been watching a lot of Project Runway recently... In the past eight years.' Then Leslie: 'No time to do the Tim Gunn voice... Wait, what am I talking about? There's always time. Designers, make it work.'

Leslie · Ann:Ann reveals the finished dress: 'It is like the Ann Perkins of dresses'

Leslie · Ann:Ann, we got you some very rare Hawaiian fertility tea... the busboy told us about a guy in a parking lot with a backpack full of this stuff, and I'm just realizing now that it's not tea. And I'm gonna throw it away.

Ann · Chris:Ann Perkins! Got to run to a meeting. With Ron. Great idea! I'll run to my next meeting.

Ann:Turns out they don't make greeting cards for asking your ex-boyfriend if he will artificially inseminate you.

Ann · Ron:I want my friend to do something for me, and I don't know how to ask him. What do you want him to do? Plant ficuses. In my front yard.

Ann:Councilman Milton is old, right? And he's wearing a green tie. So, like, maybe there's something there, where, like, he went to school with his high-school buddies that were dinosaurs. And his tie is green. They're green.

Perd Hapley · Ann:'Chris-toe-fur.' It's like you have furry toes. Hilarious.

Ann:I have a question for you. It's something very important. Which is... What is your spirit animal?

Chris · Ann · Perd:Jaguar. Why do you ask? Doin' a survey. Well, survey completed. So take 'er easy. Uh, you didn't ask me. But if you had, the answer I would have given is... Doggie.

Ron · Ann · Chris · Perd:Chris, Ann wants to ask you something right now. Go, Ann. - In front of Perd? - Yes. No more delays. Go.

Ann · Perd:I want to have a baby. Will you be the sperm donor? The story of this situation is it's extremely personal. Think it over. Bye.

Ann:You are a great specimen.

Ann:Take as much time as you want. Or just maybe, like, a couple days. 'Cause I'm getting antsy. And I'm ovulating on Thursday. So, chop-chop. But take your time. Wear loose pants!

Ann · Ron:I gotta tell you, Ron. You were absolutely and totally right. I know. Stop talking and get out. Yep.

Leslie · Ann · Ben:Ann and Ben announce they're canceling Breakfast Day and Waffle Day. Leslie: 'Oh, my God. You're both dying.'

Chris · Leslie · Ann:Ann's job transfer to County Health Board so she and Chris can have a baby without a 'conflict of interest'; Leslie calls her 'fallopian princess'

Ann:'Make a deposit in here. If you fill it up all the way, you get on the board.'

Chris · Ann:Chris explains he goes in alone with 'this pornographic disc' while Ann 'tries not to think about what I'm doing in there' and he 'tries not to think about you waiting out here trying not to think about me'

Ann:'Should I think about you?' — Ann's question in response to Chris's not-thinking recursion

Ann · Chris:Ann and Chris flee the clinic clutching the sample cup, with Ann saying 'I panicked. Run!'

Ann · Chris:Ann and Chris reading pamphlets as avoidance; Ann describes hypothetical clinical sex: 'Let me remove my clothes so we may begin to engage in physical activity to multiply our genes.'

Ann · Chris:Ann and Chris acknowledge they 'used to engage in some of those physical activities' and were 'pretty good at them'

Chris · Ann:'Do you want to make out?' / 'I really do.'

Ann · April:Who's excited to go to Bloomington? / Is that where you're gonna sit? I'm driving. Where else would I sit? / Trunk.

Ann:I would get one in Pawnee, but fun fact -- our only baby store is attached to a chemical refinery.

Ann:So you go with Laura, who seems really nice and does not deserve to be tortured.

Ann:These are the first bibs I've ever seen without Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s face on them.

April · Ann:As you remember, I'm April, and this is Ann, my 65-year-old grandmother. / Yes, that's who I am. Anyway...

Ann · April:We'd love to hear about Bloomington. It seems like a real hip kind of college town. / Mee-maw, God, no one uses the word hip anymore.

Ann:Youngsters? Am I 65 years old?

Ann · April:Well, right now my gut is saying that we are going to listen to Mariah Carey the whole way home. / Good.

Ann · Ben:Oh, my God. I'm having one. / A contraction? / No. Dude, I'm, like, three months pregnant. I-I know. I'm just so excited. / The thing I'm having is a gut feeling.

Ann:I just need to talk some more words into Leslie's face.

Leslie · Ann:Oh, my God, look at that. It's waffles! Delicious waffles. / Wait. Should we try? Yeah, let's try.

Leslie · Ann:So, if I'm hearing you correctly, you're telling me you're not thinking about leaving Pawnee. / I am thinking about leaving. / Is this one of those classic Ann 'not' jokes? Like, 'I'm leaving Pawnee...not!' / I don't do that. / I was hoping that you had started.

Leslie · Ann:Do you hear that galloping? / Wha--oh, my--look at that! Joe Biden on a horse shirtless.

Ann · Leslie:I think you need a spa day, Les. / Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead! Is that better?

Ann:Ann explains the bear situation: 'But apparently, he was trying to win it for you. So, I'm sorry. I still have some tickets, though. I can get you a Ninja Turtle balloon, or Cliffhanger on VHS.'

Ann:Ann persuades Tom to forget the bear: 'Tom, bear or no bear, she clearly likes you. Actually, how do you even get girls like her or me to go out with you?'

Tom · Ann:Tom concludes with: 'I know conversations like this are hard for you because you still have feelings for me. But you'll land on your feet, kid. Run or I punch you. No punchies!'

Tom · Nadia · Ann:Tom and Nadia steal the bear from Ann. Tom: 'This is on you. You told us to make a memory.' Ann: 'There's your money back.' Nadia: 'Let go!' Ann: 'Suck it!'

April · Ann:April says one of the dogs on the shelter website 'is so Andy' — doing something only Andy would do.

April · Ann:A dog on the shelter website is identified as having the 'essence of Tom' — it doesn't look like him but just IS him.

Chris · Ann:Ann and Chris: 'That is the most symmetrical fetus I've ever seen. This could be a superhero.'

Ann · Chris · Dr. Saperstein:Ann and Chris hate Dr. Saperstein for destroying Tom's business but love him anyway: 'We love you so much!' / 'I'm loveable!'

Ann · Chris:Ann can't decide whether to find out the baby's sex, cycling through yes/no rapidly, then asks: 'Is there an option other than yes or no?'

Ann:Ann's pregnancy symptoms deliver three rapid-fire contradictions: 'I have to pee. Wait, no, I have to barf. Wait, no, I have to eat. Actually, all three. Being pregnant is great.'

Ann:Ann listing baby girl names: 'Daisy, Annabelle, Lilly. Olive, rosemary, chicken. Fifty burritos.'

Ann:Ann threatens the server: 'I'm pregnant and I'm a little bit crazy. So if you don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds, I'm gonna plunge your face into the deep fryer!' — followed immediately by: 'And also two waters, please. But no hurry. Thank you.'

Ann · Chris:The sealed baby sex envelope is opened and the note is completely illegible: 'I... leg smurf.' / 'Are we having a smurf?' / 'We are having a... 11-jewel toilet.'

Dr. Saperstein · Chris · Ann:We are having a... 'distributions.' / That's what it looks like: Distributions. / Let me see that. / It says 'congratulations,' I think. / Then it says, 'I... leg smurf.' / Are we having a smurf?

Ann:Ann, deeply stressed about not knowing the baby's sex: 'I'm calling Domino's. Do you think Domino's delivers to this restaurant?'

Jean-Ralphio · Ann · Chris:Jean-Ralphio tries to hit on Ann: 'What do you say you and I get together in a special way?' Ann: 'I'm pregnant.' Jean-Ralphio: 'The more the merrier.'

Ann:Ann: 'I'm a crazy shape. This morning when I got out of bed, I just tipped forward like a poorly made bowling pin.'

Ann · Chris:Cut from Ann describing Chris as 'wonderful and thoughtful and positive' directly to Ann in talking head: 'He's driving me up the fucking wall.'

Ann:Ann's whine & cheese spiral: 'I want to be Pac-Man, and instead of dots, I want 'em to be cinnamon buns.'

Ann:Ann continues: 'I want to be a giant head and a mouth, and I just want to eat rows and rows of junk food pellets, and where's my trash bag of potatoes?'

Ann · Ron · Larry:Emergency whine & cheese club called by Ann; Ron puts on headphones and Larry is immediately dispatched to 'get in there'

Ann · Andy:Ann venting about vomiting in whine & cheese club while Mouse Rat's song about 'Sex Is Cool' plays in background

Donna · Ron · Ann:Donna and Ron have replaced whine & cheese club with sushi and cigar club, locking Ann out

Ann:Ann: 'But you know what? I would yell some more, but I think I just peed my pants a little bit.'

Ann:Ann tells Chris about her leg pain: 'It's like I have a tension headache, but in my calves.'

Ann:Ann: 'And I'm so gassy. There's just been, like, a long, slow fart stream coming out of me since we started talking... this morning.'

Chris · Ann:Chris's 'that sucks' / 'that really sucks' call-and-response with Ann's complaints

Ann · Leslie:Friday Night Lights? I am more of a Riggins girl, and you lean Saracen. — Yeah, 'cause Riggins is a criminal. — He took the fall for his brother.

Ann:I think Oliver has more pressing business.

Leslie · Ann:I almost bought a toe ring the other day. / What? Ann, you're somebody's mother. / I know. / Okay.

Leslie · Ann:Okay, but we should talk soon, 'cause I almost bought a toe ring the other day. — What? Ann, you're somebody's mother. — I know. — Okay.

April · Donna · Ann:[April and Donna present Leslie with a stuffed bunny with Ann's voice] Press the paw. Hi, Leslie. It's Ann. I love you, and everything's gonna be okay.

Ann · Leslie:Ann and Leslie catching up on hair growth pills: 'That's from the pills I was telling you about. / I took some of those, but I don't know. They didn't do anything, and they kind of upset my stomach. / No, no, no. You're supposed to crack them and leave them on your hair overnight, not eat them. / Oh, no. / Well, it's confusing 'cause they're delicious.'

April · Ann:April to Ann about her kids: 'Your kids are, like, surprisingly awesome. / Did you use an egg donor or give Chris a hall pass for a night?'

Tom · Ann:Tom to Ann — completely out of earshot of Donna — telling her he's 'out of her league' and she needs to move on, while she stopped listening when he called her 'sugarpea'

Leslie · Ann:'Ann! Oh, my God. It's happening. It's totally happening. Our kids are falling in love. This is good. Remember, if this is ever gonna work, we have to pretend to disapprove.'

Ann:Ann: 'Ann Arbor, Michigan, is literally the greatest city that I've ever lived in. But Pawnee is better. So we're moving back.'