Ann Perkins

I'm ann perkins. Uh, I'm a nurse, and frankly, I don't really care for politics.

My boyfriend, who is a musician-- actually, I support him-- but anyway, he fell in and broke both his legs.

Just become more adventurous in relationships with your body, just in-- Are you--are you actually hitting on me right now?

I think it's probably just a photo op for her. I mean, I don't think anybody in government actually cares about--

Doorbell! Yeah, I heard it. Doorbell! I heard it. I'm getting it.

It's really not that big of a pit.

It's not broken. It is. Do you have one of those neck foam collar brace things? Honestly, you're-- you're fine. Oh, honestly, my clavicle's broken.

Oh, hey, baby, if you're going to the kitchen, could you make me pancakes real quick? Uh, sure. Ooh, are pancakes being made? Yeah, sure.

Would it change your mind if we told you that... She's gone.

What? Stay on message again? / Yes, it's that important. It's one and two.

Wait. Did I ever get it?

Wait. You were drunk? / Oh, yeah. Totally. / You knew that. / I didn't know that, no.

You should've told me, because we gave you anesthesia at the hospital. / I was probably not thinking 'cause I had two broken femurs and I was blackout drunk.

Thank you so much for bringing that up in front of a reporter.

There was one annoying thing. She and Mark had sex with each other. / You're kidding. / I wish I was, but I'm not. They did it.

Called it. I called that. / You remember that? Yeah. / He did, actually. He totally called that.

I bet he didn't use a condom. / Andy, God!

'Pretty drunk, Ann's on the pill.' / I didn't 'throw up,' I spit up.

Maybe those are his relatives. Yeah, maybe fake boobs run in his family.

You have a friend who has a tattoo that says, 'Daddy's Girl.' And both words are misspelled.

Smart woman. Iffy choice in men. But then again, I'm not one to talk.

Somebody is getting gently laid tonight. Andy! God!

Well, 'cause I would feel a little silly putting on a nice dress to go to the couch.

Yeah, friend. She's--we're friends. Just friends. I have a boyfriend. He's a man.

This is my evening. I'm Leslie's trophy wife.

Andy, I can't leave now. I'll get one for you on the way home. Okay, meatball and ham. Wait, is that two different subs? Really? I don't think they can do that.

You hit on chicks, for real?

Cool Ranch, got it. Anything else?

There was definitely some truth about that thing you said about me and Andy.

It's one of those rare songs that rocks really hard, and also informs people about a small public works project.

They should change their name to Big, Lying Baby. Or Where's My Sandwich? Or Don't Forget To Bring Home Beers After Work.

But if I were, would you be interested? No. Okay.

Pawnee has a gay bar? Yeah. The Bulge. It's behind my house.

I think when his head hit the ground, it must've knocked something loose, because he's actually a pretty nice guy now.

And Andy, after we broke up, he told me he was going to Kansas to climb mountains.

don't use the words 'medical emergency.'

What? Can I come in? I just want to talk to you for a second.

Hos before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. Ovaries before brovaries.

When Andy and I used to go to the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.

You know, with a body like this, you don't get the brains too. That was silly.

I have been a perfect gentleman this evening. In fact, watch this. I would like you to now please invite me in for a nightcap. Not a chance. No. Just watch... watch what I'm gonna do. Ask me in for a nightcap. Will you come in for a nightcap? Yes, I will. No, no, damn. Drats, I was gonna plan to not.

You kind of kissed me. Yes, I did, and now we both have herpes.

We didn't think you were a pervert. We thought you were a criminal. For the record, I still actually kind of think he's a pervert.

I mean, could you date someone who doesn't love giving vaccinations? - I've never dated anyone who loves giving vaccinations.

Well, I'll see you tonight for the weirdest second date ever.

You live down here. I can't believe this is happening. I can't be at my house and see my ex-boyfriend living in a hole in my backyard like a gopher.

A good chef never reveals her secrets. It's hot sauce.

No, dummy, just you.

You said they might not know what toilet paper is.

Do you see the problem here? Yes, but I don't want to.

Pro, $35,000 worth of dirty money. Con, not quite sure why that's a pro.

Pro and con never works. Pro, yes, it does.

What does he have that I don't have? Are you serious? Everything.

He has literally everything that you don't have: a job, a car, a steady income, an address, a second pair of shoes, table manners, the ability to say 'tampon' without giggling.

Thank you so... Why are you naked? Because of what you said, we're getting back together.

You should've heard the sexy stuff she said. I said 'hey, Andy, it's Ann, can we talk at my house?' That's not how you said it, you were like, 'Hey, Andy, it's Ann, can you talk at my house?'

My God, you're such a baby. Literally. Big naked baby, put clothes on.

Hey, slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year.

Worlds colliding, always awkward.

You're not. Hey. Yeah, I'm gonna leave. Oh. Okay. This isn't that fun.

I actually think a library would be nice that close to my house. But I'm not about to say that in there.

Ron's ex-wife? / That's terrific. Or is that awful? / He hates her, but he knows her. / Everything's okay. Or is it just the same? / You're thinking out loud again. / Am I? I am.

When we were dating, the only job he had was sending audition tapes to Survivor and Deal or no deal.

Who's the Jesus? / That would be Greg Kinnear. / I didn't know he was from Indiana. / Yeah, you know, I read that he was.

He was great on ER... / Greg Kinnear wasn't in ER. / Yeah, he was. / I don't think that he was. / Who am I thinking of?

Ann's blows. / Don't hold back.

It looks like he's carrying Kinnear into the burning building. / That's because he's moonwalking. So he... Should be goin' the other way.

Gross.

Your favorite cake can't be birthday cake. That's like saying, your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal. I love breakfast cereal.

Seve... Eight. But I washed 'em down with plenty of fluids. You cannot drink scotch with this! You're gonna need to purge right now, okay? No, I'm not wasting 20-year scotch.

That was a really good Ron. Thank you.

What a surprise running into you all day every day every single place that we are.

There's a really fun documentary about tandem bicycles at the art house. Supposed to be pretty unapologetic.

I kind of feel like Jane Goodall studying the chimps. 'Cause there are some feminist scholars who say that stripping is a feminist act.

Reggie Wayne! Dude! You remembered me complaining about my computer bag!

Interesting. That's uh, weird.

Oh, damn, now I have to go back.

He practically saved my life. He was, like, the only cool dude at my high school.

and I'll wait respectful amount of time. I don't know, maybe?

Well, maybe just have him over and cook him some chicken and tell him it's Pawnee cockatoo.

No, I actually meant more like a one-on-one thing. I know what you meant, but I took your idea and I made it better. It's called a think tank, Ann.

Now, I can believe it.

This newspaper's from November, 1986. Oh, the first rumblings of Iran-Contra! Don't throw that out!

I think I need to call Child Services and have Leslie taken away from herself.

Your house is like a crazy person's garage.

I might need it. What about this one? Well, if two birds come along?

Oh! Sex.

I have the swine flu. Oh... No, she doesn't.

Krackel bars, also healthy and delicious. No, they're not. Yeah. They actually have rice in them. So...

Andy, you're fine, but you're simple.

No, they're not. There's a picture of Lance Armstrong on there. Yeah, but look at the ingredients.

Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just husky, big-boned, plus-sized chunk monsters. I call them like I see them.

Yes, nerd, on paper, This thing we have is pretty great.

Valentine's Day was a month ago. / Why are you giving it to me now? / Whatever. Happy early Valentine's Day.

This is one of those nanny-cam teddy bears, isn't it? / What? No. It's a regular, camera-less teddy bear.

Can I read your mail? / No. Please, don't. / Fine.

Don't let Tom make a copy. / That's right. Good.

I've seen the way she takes care of her house.

I don't like Ann. / Become friends. Who knows?

The black guy with the Looney Tunes ties? I love him. No. Jerry who works with Leslie.

Scrotation Marks. I don't know what you're talking about, but my gut says no.

How are people going to become fans if they literally don't know the name of the band they're listening to?

The problem is, when you're his girlfriend, you're also his mother, and his maid and his nurse. He's completely helpless. He's like a baby in a straightjacket.

Ooh! 'Baby in a Straightjacket.' That's a good band name. I should tell him that.

Oh! What's up now, mugger? Ann, that was awesome. That was really good.

Since when did he start doing stuff for other people? Now, I actually am worried that something happened to his brain.

Happy six-month anniversary. I got you a gift. Uh, it's a chicken-salad sandwich.

Oh, don't worry about it. He's dead. Oh, my god. Oh, no, I'm just kidding. He's sleeping.

We don't have any pictures Of just the two of us. Plus, I've always said We should go on more dates with tom.

Maxim or good housekeeping? I'm not sure which one is the insult.

Oh, I'm actually here to see mark. Right. Oh, well, thanks for the coffee. That's also for mark. Mm. I really need it though. But next time more sugar. Okay, thanks. Bye!

Can you see this? Every time.

I have no idea what I was saying.

Sugar. It's a block of sugar.

So, I may have parked on your front lawn. You did. I did.

And she's been asleep for twenty-two hours.

But I think I'm going to draw a mustache on her face.

Ann explaining to Mark that couples are 'supposed to fight' and 'supposed to miss each other even if they're only gone for 20 minutes'

Andy's enthusiastic greeting contrasted with Ann asking if she was a good girlfriend

Ann's drunk question: 'were there times that you were like, if I don't see Ann in, like, ten seconds, I'm gonna die?'

Ann's bitter realization: 'I dated him for three years. Now he's an adult with a job. And some other girl is gonna reap the rewards of my hard work? That's bull[bleep].'

Ann sarcastically praising Leslie: 'Leslie, that was so professional. I'm so proud of you.'

Ann's hangover crisis: 'I think I may have made out with someone last night' and her complete inability to remember who

Ann methodically asking every man she knows 'did we make out last night?' including the horrified Ron

The revelation that Ann was so drunk she gave Ben her phone instead of her phone number

Traditionally, when I end a long-term relationship, I'm a little fragile, and I have a tendency to do some reckless things. So I need to stay away from Chris.

Leslie's usually already up and often she's already on her way over.

A-Cakes.

Because I thought we had a great time the night you got drunk and kissed me. And you did use your tongue.

Great. Let me ask you one question. Would you be cool doing things that a prostitute does? Minus the money? / Definitely yes, then.

For dinner? / Well, what's sexy food? Asparagus? / No, you know what's sexy? Turkey chili.

Ann Perkins. You are wonderful and amazing and I'm happy to be here with you. / Thank you, Chris. I'm wearing a tuxedo vest with no shirt on underneath.

Well, then, why don't you just come here and do it yourself? / Okay. Holy crap!

Except no one dresses up like a janitor when they want to be slutty.

My body's like a chip, too. A potato chip.

There was one time I thought he farted. But it was me.

If I was sick, could I do this? [attempts cartwheels] What are you doing? Cartwheels. Am I not doing them? No.

I'm going to go into a supply closet and snap a bunch of tongue depressors.

I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my flu medicine, told me not to tell you, and then disappeared through that hole in the wall. The door?

What the [BLEEP] is your problem? Whoa, I thought you weren't gonna lose it. While I was on duty, I didn't. Now it's just me.

Somehow that fish ended up dead in a cowboy boot.

I'm not really attached to the way this stuff is arranged. Or the stuff itself. Or this house, even, really.

Wow, that's disgusting. Yes, it's very hard to drink.

One time, when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him.

Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming. Who was Rebecca? Yeah. Exactly.

But he did it so nicely that I didn't even realize he did it. / I've done that to multiple men.

Two days ago I was sobbing at a pizza buffet and they asked me to leave. I've been looking at some dog adoption web sites. Bought $700 worth of candles from Anthropologie. I did this to my hair.

Normally, people tell you to talk about your problems, I'm gonna recommend you bottle that noise up. / That's what my mailman said.

I don't know what's sicker, me or your body. / You aren't sick. / Maybe you should check out my abs. / Are you experiencing abdominal pain? / Every day at the gym.

Ketchup and mustard. - Ketchup and mustard, I just was... Oh! That is so delightful. I relish your wit.

Well, I salsa... your face.

He was an amazing dentist.

Sounds good. - No, no.

Oh, no. - Oh, no? - Oh, no. - No, no, no. I wasn't saying that...

I'm gonna leave the country. Bye, everybody. Bye.

No, I'm not. Um, I-I was just ribbing you.

My Brita filter is older than their relationship.

However, he proudly told me that he 'beat herpes.'

I'm a nurse, actually.

Don't freak out, but Joe from Sewage just unhooked your bra with his eyes.

I was... Crap on a crayfish. That really stings. I haven't pricked you, yet.

You're a monster. Still haven't done it, yet.

Yellow-haired female. Likes waffles and news. Sexy, well-read blonde. Loves the sweeter things in life.

Organizing my agenda. Wait, that doesn't sound fun. Jamming on my planner.

Upstairs, there is this mural of wildflowers. And I like to sit on a bench in front of it. Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon. Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural.

What about, like, an actual meadow where wildflowers are? Eww, Ann. I'm scared of bees. Mural.

He's dark and mysterious. And he can sing. And he plays the organ. I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.

Oh, my God. A 98% match? That's a soul mate-level match. I've never seen anything this high before.

He seems nice. Eh, he kind of lives in a barn.

But for whatever reason, right now, only douchey guys are buying what you're selling. So, I should go and ask them what they think I'm selling. A douche-vestigation.

You know what might make you feel better? - A hug? - Paxil. Do you want me to get you a prescription?

That's what people always say when something sucks.

I just... I couldn't deal with his face.

Oh, well, I'm technically out of the country. So I would have to call him from a weird number.

He's a triple Pisces.

It happened once. Just once. That already is too many times.

I don't know. He's dumb, but he's fun. / Thank you.

Leslie and Ann's escalating drunk fight

I can't believe that Leslie and I got drunk in a bar and fought about boys. We're so much better than that.

What the hell is in Snake Juice, Demerol?

Just rent a limo, ask her to the prom. I'm sure she'll say yes.

Just rent a limo, ask her to the prom. I'm sure she'll say yes.

That should be the official slogan for Snake Juice.

But first, I am gonna go throw up in a wastebasket. Would you mind if I joined you? Not at all. Shall we?

Wow! That was the most sexual tension I have ever seen in a conversation about documents.

This is actually the dress that Julia Roberts wore as a prostitute in Pretty Woman. I know. I look really good in it.

Why don't you ask him about his penis?

I snuck an Al Green song in there. I want them to get together. Sue me.

Ann, we have a serious code Ben. Well, it's not really code if you say his name.

No, you're supposed to talk me out of this. No. Don't. Stop. Shut up, Ann, I'm doing it anyway. Yay!

Oh, boy. Okay. Well, Andy just wants you to be proud of him and his music. So, this isn't really about being right. It's more about being supportive. Oh, wow. I didn't realize you were a marriage counselor, Ann.

No, April, we would all die. Gases fill the volume of whatever container they're in.

Stuart, please, could you give us, like, 45 minutes? It's my office, too. Stuart.

Leslie's busy, she's working on the Li'I Sebastian memorial service. But you know what? She did give me this note to give to you, and she also wanted me to kiss you deeply, which I'm going to have to pass on.

We just like to work in the same place, and then we talk and hold hands. Yuck, that's somehow worse.

Li'I Sebastian died? That's terrible. Yeah, well, he was old, and he had a lot of ailments. Like tendonitis? I don't know. I don't have his chart in front of me.

Is tendonitis symptomatic of something larger? Really, that's the question you wanted to ask me? I'm just very worried.

I did do 10,000 push-ups last week. Oh, really. That might have something to do with it.

Multiple 'Yay!' exchanges followed by 'Wait. What does that mean about you and Ben? I don't know. I think it's going to be really bad.'

Uh-oh! Do you want to go back to saying 'yay'? Yes, please. Yay! Yay!

A penis. What? Oh, my God. Oh. It's emailing me, too.

Wow! You opposite of broke up with him. He gave me an éclair, Ann.

Your inbox is literally filled with penises. Oh, look. Ed Miller from Payroll.

It's the entire Sanitation Department, from Muncie. Ugh!

That man has the largest penis I have ever seen. I actually don't even know if he has mumps. I forgot to look. I was distracted, by the largest penis I have ever seen.

That is sad, but also, in this town, understandable

Great. Just as good, if not exactly the same, as the last one

I cannot believe I dated him. For a long time. And he broke up with me

Oh, right. That's why I dated him

Well, this guy came in. He got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and he tried to cut himself out. Was there a lot of blood? What kind of blade did he use? Three and a half inch. Serrated. Buckets of blood.

Oh. I wasn't competing for that. / I'll say.

But they kind of turned out wrong, so they look like monsters.

In the fire.

You were grinding with her pretty hard at April's Halloween party.

Wow. A four-date-long relationship might not be 100% perfect? I think you should launch a full-scale investigation.

And the jacuzzi broke. But I did... eat food off of your body.

you basically turned me into a female version of yourself, and then you got bored dating me because you were dating yourself.

Jogging is the worst, Chris. I mean, I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?

You are a massive, enormous, runaway steamroller, with no brakes and a cement brick on the gas pedal.

She once made me eat an entire cheesecake at a potluck so she didn't look bad.

I don't know the names of the other department heads. I'll go with him. Seriously? With the men in this office?

'Ben'... And much larger, 'Ann.' She definitely loves Ann.

We make a gingerbread version of the office. That's so good! I think the wood model is-- and we can decorate our offices with candy canes and gumdrops! That would be so adorable! Thanks, Ron! That's such a cute idea!

You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare hands. No, I haven't. You haven't? No. You will. You're that good of a nurse.

Again? You just hired me eight seconds ago. Wow, you're doing a really bad job.

Anyway, the important news is that he's here. Good. Is he going to dunk for me? I'm not sure. I couldn't hear through all the crying.

You're not married. She's not married.

It's really hard to say 'congrats' without sounding sarcastic.

Seriously, I really hope you guys are all very happy. Damn it.

What about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom and you're the only one there without a date, so the bride makes you dance to Single Ladies by yourself?

Try 308. I'm going to have to pass right now. Your mistake, mama.

You're going to throw them on the roof again so I can't leave. You know me too well.

Then, we go back to my place and snuggle up like little bunnies. Yeah, this was a mistake.

Oh, God! Hey, Boo Boo Bear. What did you just call me? Boo Boo Bear. It's one of several nicknames I made up for you.

We have Cookie Tush... Wow. Just right out the gate. Winnie the Boo, Lady Presh Presh, Annberry Sauce, Annie Get Your Boo, Tommy's Girl, Annie Banannie...

What are you doing? Is this not one of those? I might have misread the vibe.

I feel like you're embarrassed by me. That is accurate.

Am I in a relationship? It's complicated.

What happened to you? I was waiting outside in the rain for you. Because I thought you would come out and be like, 'Oh, he's all wet. That's so romantic.' But you didn't. What on earth would make you think I would like that? Movies.

Boss, I need your Herbie Hancock on this. Outside.

So I'm 'Tommy's girl,' and you're just 'Tom'? Why not 'Ann's man'? Nobody owns me, cupcake, not even you.

We put the hats on-- Don't say it. We take everything else off.

Ann, I'm at 600. Are you really not stopping me? I have those cotton t-shirt sheets. Huh?

You put 20" rims on your Volkswagen Golf, and you insist on being introduced as 'the brown Gosling.'

I would like to announce that the name Tan is officially over. To the end of Tan.

This is the first time you've said my entire name correctly.

Kiss one water-fountain drinker, you're kissing everyone in Pawnee. Including him.

Andy is our official water-fountain tester.

Full disclosure. Ann and I are romantically intertwined. Oh, God. So let's not be surprised if she picks my idea.

Why don't we just turn up the pressure? That way you don't have to put your mouth so close. All right, here we go. Ah, stop! Honey, I'm sorry. That'll teach you to pay attention.

Water balloon fight. Fair enough.

And I bet they look even better on Ben's floor

It says 'Nympho' on the butt in silver, sparkly letters

Ann's clinical explanation of 'nympho' and butt implications

I have a date with my bathtub, a glass of red wine, and a gigantic fireman named Marcus

Why are you from Russia?

I don't know, Marcus. I'll hit you up when I hit you up.

Yeah, we're not dating any more, okay? Get out.

Holy hell, that's soft.

It's crazy boring. It lasts forever. You're going to wish you were dead.

I've heard that you and Tom Haverford are no longer romantically involved. Is that true? / Yes, we broke up. / And I honestly can't believe we ever dated. / Does defy logic.

Recently, in a moment of weakness, I had sex with Bobby Newport's campaign manager, Jennifer Barkley. Seriously? Yes, several times. And then, several more times. And then a couple more times. And then one more time.

How long has this been going on? Oh, It's just last night.

How long was that? Twenty-two seconds. Boy, that's disappointing.

But you won. You won, Leslie. You won by 21 votes.

That was really sneaky, Ann. I know. I couldn't resist.

Tommy! This party was amazing. You're amazing. You are ridiculous, but I like you. And I think that we should date all of it.

It feels like I just exercised. Just sit on the ground. No, Jerry. It's dirty and I'm wearing my summer linens.

Let's move in together. Totally. No take-backs when we sober up, though, partner. No take-backs, partner.

Did you put glitter in the laundry detergent? Oh, Yeah. I'm experimenting with some new entrepreneurial ideas. That one is called 'SparkleSuds. Dress Loud.'

This morning, you put glitter in the butter. 'Disco Dairy. Spread the Party.' No, that's not a good idea. That's terrible.

Do you just have to pee real bad? Yes.

Chris Traeger-- exercise phase. Andy Dwyer-- my grunge phase. Tom Haverford-- my needless shopping phase. Also my credit card debt phase.

Three out of four married couples have met each other at spontaneous auctions. / I don't think that's true. / I d--well, I don't know, I--

I am going to bid a million dollars on myself. / Going once, going never, sold.

My romantic life has been a bit of a mixed bag lately.

This was literally the most beautiful, and moving thing that I have ever heard. There, there, baby boy. Take all the time you need.

Oh! There's no more tissue. Everything ends. No, no, no. No, there's more tissue. Everything goes away.

Because I'm dating myself right now. Okay? I'm trying to figure out how to make me happy. Ugh. Why is it always about you, Ann? Self-centered much?

Ann Perkins. You are, without a doubt, the queen of toilet humor. That's all I ever wanted to be.

I mean, look, there's already a dog here. Oh, my God. I had that exact doll when I was a kid.

I like the statement it's making that, you know, we're all in cages in a way. Yeah, it's actually about death and the city.

No one leaves the Octagon. I dated an ultimate fighter. It was like a thing he said.

You just got knoped. And ludgated. And perkinsed.

Sorry, guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry.

Is he joking? I don't know.

and anything that can be penis-shaped will be penis-shaped.

Which is why I'm stress-eating gummy penises.

Well, if it isn't Babe Lincoln!

You guys, the penis hats cut your digging time in half. I'm serious. Don't be afraid. Use the penises.

We're surrounded by hot guys. Boom! Oh, Donna just ripped off a stripper's underwear with her teeth.

It's kind of weird when she just starts raining compliments on you, huh? Don't try to bond with me.

He really plays white people like a fiddle. Wow. It's amazing to watch.

Hey, dudettes. You stoked about the weekend? No.

Oh, look at this pwetty, pwetty wittle beads. They're not infants.

So you guys like Coldplay? You're weird.

But it was actually a blood-hungry witch who was wearing their mom's face like a mask!

What is wrong with you, woman? Sorry. I thought kids liked ghost stories.

Did you just say you love Diane? No. I did not. Yes, you did! That is so cute!

I will have catfish and grits, with pumpernickel toast.

Which Ann is screaming like a maniac? Oatmeal Ann or catfish Ann? I'm not sure, because I instantly blacked out from extreme terror.

Some sperm. I meant in terms of a donor? Oh, you know, nice guy... Nice sperm.

like Knuckle-hair Dave from HR. I don't mind the knuckle hair. I just think he's a dick.

Let's make a baby together. You should phrase that differently.

The falcon is entering! The turtledove acknowledges!

Squirrels and birds

There's always time. Designers, make it work

Ann Perkins! - Hey, Chris! Got to run to a meeting. With Ron. - Great idea! I'll run to my next meeting.

Turns out they don't make greeting cards for asking your ex-boyfriend if he will artificially inseminate you.

I want my friend to do something for me, and I don't know how to ask him. What do you want him to do? Plant ficuses. In my front yard.

Then plant the damn ficuses yourself. - I wish that were possible.

So, like, maybe there's something there, where, like, he went to school with his high-school buddies that were dinosaurs. And his tie is green. They're green.

Do you see what is happening with Chris and Shauna? They are flirting like crazy. It's disgusting. They're in public. - That's called a conversation.

Ron, there are no ficuses, okay? I wanted to ask Chris to be the father of my baby. - Good God.

'Chris-toe-fur.' It's like you have furry toes. Hilarious.

Jaguar. Why do you ask? - Doin' a survey. Well, survey completed.

I want to have a baby. Will you be the sperm donor? The story of this situation is it's extremely personal.

Take as much time as you want. Or just maybe, like, a couple days. 'Cause I'm getting antsy. And I'm ovulating on Thursday. So, chop-chop. But take your time. Wear loose pants!

I gotta tell you, Ron. You were absolutely and totally right. I know. Stop talking and get out.

All these kids have fathers and mothers who have birthed them and are guiding them through life. Yep, that's how it works.

Good morning, April. What's your secret? I'm thinking about applying to veterinary school in Bloomington. Oh, my God, April, that's great!

- as a janitor... - Nurse.

Because you hooked up with him? I don't hook up with everyone I know. Although, yes, we did hook up.

No, you have to be my friend. No, that is so much worse.

Because you hooked up with him? I don't hook up with everyone I know. Although, yes, we did hook up.

I'm kind of just fracking for friendship.

Think about Ivy and Zoe and Diane, and eat a damn banana.

"It better not be Terrence Howard's tank top from Hustle & Flow."

"'Cause I am bidding on it and I am ready to spend an amount that my accountant calls 'dangerous and irresponsible.'"

"Hell yeah. Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it. Everybody on that show can get it."

"You're 'Future Mrs. Tiger Woods'? I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change it."

"The Lannisters, while very wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the Warlocks of Qarth for example."

"I'll give it to you if you go on a date with me." "Oh, God. I can't believe I'm about to do this, but fine."

Make a deposit in here. If you fill it up all the way, you get on the board.

Yeah, I could stop, and you could walk. Or you know what, we could meet in the middle. Great plan.

Do you want to make out? I really do.

Calm down, Ann. You're proving my point.

Ugh, but that's my favorite blankie.

Tommy owns his own business. Yeah, but he had to borrow a lot of money, and when you're not around, Tom drinks tap water.

I don't even usually like Puerto Rican chicks. I'm not--I mean, it shouldn't matter, but I'm--

You guys want a threesome. What? No. We do not wanna have a threesome with you. Well, let's not rush to judgment. I mean, I say we hear her out.

I'm trying to get pregnant. That's not fair. I mean, great, and happy for them, and congratulations, whatever, but ooh! No! Boo!

Sex is ridiculous.

What a freak.

And Tom and his weird feud with our doctor.

Hello again. As you remember, I'm April, and this is Ann, my 65-year-old grandmother. / Mee-maw, God, no one uses the word hip anymore.

Youngsters? Am I 65 years old?

No. Dude, I'm, like, three months pregnant. I-I know. I'm just so excited. The thing I'm having is a gut feeling.

Pawnee has the very first documented case of mega-diabetes. And the only know occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease.

Oh, my God, look at that. It's waffles! - Delicious waffles.

Sorry, Ann. This is on you. You told us to make a memory. / There's your money back. / This is eight dollars.

I left her, like, 30 voice mails, and her outgoing message is just her sobbing and burping and crazy laughing.

Don't let her get a tattoo. / What the hell happened? / I couldn't help it. She's so cute when she's coming up with destructive ideas.

Never send a husband to do a best friend's job.

Remember last year when no one would get flu shots 'cause there was a rumor they turned you European?

Wait, no, I have to pee. Wait, no, I have to barf. Actually, all three. Being pregnant is great.

Olive, rosemary, chicken. Fifty burritos.

I'm pregnant, and I'm a little bit crazy. So if you don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds, I'm gonna plunge your face into the deep fryer!

Are we having a smurf?

What do you say you and I get together in a special way? I-I'm pregnant. The more the merrier.

I thought you didn't have a preference. I didn't. I just really wanted it to be a boy. Me too. I don't know why.

Cracker dust

Oh, no, no, totally understand.

No part of this is how I pictured it

You let me pee with the door open so I could watch the end of Grey's Anatomy

I don't know! Me either! Maybe let's not? Yeah, I think maybe not

Except that I'm a whale and that my feet already kill. Whales don't have feet. I am a crazy shape.

This morning when I got out of bed, I just tipped forward like a poorly made bowling pin.

Everything is amazing. Today is perfect, and I love you. [cut to] He's driving me up the fucking wall.

I want to be Pac-Man, and instead of dots, I want 'em to be cinnamon buns. I want to be a giant head and a mouth, and I just want to eat rows and rows of junk food pellets

My stomach has so many stretch marks on it that it looks like an old-fashioned globe.

Also, I just read Brooke Shields' book on post-partum depression. Now I have pre-post-partum depression anxiety.

There's just been, like, a long, slow fart stream coming out of me since we started talking... this morning.

Why is there a New Year's Eve countdown clock and the Easter bunny? I don't know when we're gonna be able to visit each other, so just to be safe this party is a celebration of every event that's gonna happen this year.

This is just a bunch of bras and knives. And loose onions.

I say we start with the three 'C's,' cashmere, concert tickets, caboodles of cash. I feel like those are perfect gifts for you. Those are perfect gifts for anyone.

If Chris gets cranky around noon, just stuff some chia seeds into a fig--works every time.

I told him that One Headlight By the Wallflowers isn't 'dancing' music and he said 'Not with that attitude.'

Dude, Ann, you know what I just remembered? We used to date. Yeah, we lived together for two years. I know, it's crazy, right? Anyways, you're the best. Have fun in Mexico.

Kathryn Pinewood is the person on earth who hates me the most. Well, luckily, you're with the person on earth who loves you the most. Too cheesy? No, it's perfect.

April-- Yeah, you saw a lot of potential in me, I'm like a daughter to you, and it was a treat to watch me blossom. Blah blah blah, bye. That is remarkably close to what I was going to say. Also, I'm proud of you.

Donna, are you grabbing my butt? Can you blame me? No!

What the hell? Yeah, Pinewood, that's right. I'm pregnant and I have you in a headlock. And if you try to fight back, I will sue you.

For old time's sake? Does that mea--no! Ann, you tricky minx. Yep. I went on a date with Perd. What? It was during that 'explore my freedom as a single woman' phase.

And at the end he said, 'I am going to kiss you now by putting my mouth on your mouth.' And then I ran away.

My going-away present to you will be that I do not make you audibly say that you love me. Thank you.

This tear, caused by the overwhelming thoughtfulness of my friends will be my baby's first memory. Salt water will warp the wood. So keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.

But most importantly, you taught me that I can't pull off a tulip skirt. It's just not your shape.

All right, I got my park. That's all I wanted from you. Friendship over. Don't even joke about that, Ann.

Listen to me very carefully. I have not been taken. I know that's always your first fear when I'm not available, but this is not a Liam Neeson Taken scenario.

That's exactly what they'd make you say. Also, no one's making me say this. I am a free woman, untaken, simply going about my business.

Yeah, 'cause Riggins is a criminal. He took the fall for his brother. Okay, he didn't watch out for his brother. You know, I'm not having this conversation with you again. That family is garbage.

I almost bought a toe ring the other day. What? Ann, you're somebody's mother.

Press the paw. Hi, Leslie. It's Ann. I love you, and everything's gonna be okay.

I even got an extra whipped cream can, one for baking, one for directly into mouth. You know me so well.

Did you use an egg donor or give Chris a hall pass for a night? Once again, they are my biological children. Once again, I don't believe you.