Leslie Vs. April

Ben:We could be in the White House by 2020.

Leslie:Even 2024 is ambitious.

Leslie:When we're in the White House, you'll be the First Gentleman.

Ben:I think you mean First Lady.

Leslie:No, First Gentleman. You're a gentleman, and you'll be first.

Ben:I got you an engagement present.

Leslie:Is it a solid gold statue of me? Or a lifetime supply of waffles? Or a solid gold waffle of me?

Leslie:Did you guys hear that? He said my name. Vice President Biden said my name!

Leslie:Oh, well, that's very flattering, but I'm not sure I'm really qualified for... wait, did you say Deputy Director? I'm in.

Leslie:You're welcome, Mr. Vice President. It was an honor to serve alongside you.

Leslie:And I just want to say, your leadership has been truly inspiring. The way you've handled environmental policy, it's really—it's really something special.

Leslie:And your tie today, it's a very nice shade of blue. Really brings out your—it brings out the blue in your eyes, which are very blue.

Leslie:Anyway, I'm just going to stop talking now. So... thank you.

Leslie:I'm treating Ben like he needs protection from the Vice President.

Ben:I'm back in accounting. It's like James Bond, except instead of fighting supervillains, I'm fighting... spreadsheets. And instead of a martini, I have a cup of coffee. And instead of a tuxedo, I have this shirt from Banana Republic.

Ben:I made a joke about municipal bonds. The accountants laughed so hard, one of them had to sit down. I'm not saying it was the funniest thing ever said, but it was definitely top five, easily.

Tom:Ben, you're 'The Debt Tornado.' Andy, you're 'The Silly Goose.'

Andy:Yes! I'm the Silly Goose!

Leslie:Fun facts: the Great Wall of China is visible from space, honey badgers are immune to snake venom, and your father had a second family in Manitoba.

Tom:I'm leveraging my core competencies to create a synergistic paradigm shift in the value-added solutions space.

Tom:I rent out my clothes to other guys. It's a business model that works because I'm a very small man.

April:One of the 'dog parks' is actually just a parking lot.

April:Per capita.

Andy:Wait, say that again.

April:Per capita.

Andy:Oh man, that's so hot. Can you say it one more time while I take a picture?

April:No.

Andy:Please? Per capita is my new thing.

Leslie:I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry right now.

April:Orin has been working on a performance art piece where he stands in the town square wearing a bikini made of raw chicken, and he just screams about his childhood for six hours straight.

Leslie:I'm prepared to take this all the way to court. I have documented everything in triplicate, filed the appropriate forms, and I'm ready to pursue this with the full force of municipal code section 47-B, paragraph 3, subsection...

Leslie:...which clearly states: 'Dibs.' I called dibs on this lot first, and according to the ancient laws of childhood, that makes it mine. Finders keepers, losers weepers.

Andy:The game is a foot.

Andy:Wait, no. The game is... afoot? No, that's not right either. The game is... a-foot? Like, the game has a foot?

Donna:I went to Miami for vacation. Best decision I ever made. I'm not going back to Pawnee. I'm taking my talents to South Beach.

Donna:Yeah, I stole your computer. I'm running a very profitable business stealing government computers and selling them for seven dollars each on Craigslist.

Ben:Tom, this business plan is actually really impressive. You've thought through all the details, the financials, the marketing strategy.

Tom:Thanks, Ben. I'm really proud of it.

Ben:Just one thing though—please tell me there are no R. Kelly lyrics in here.

Tom:Why would there be R. Kelly lyrics in a business plan?

Ben:Because the last time you got excited about something, you wouldn't stop quoting 'I believe I can fly' at the city council meeting.

Tom · Ben:Tom proposes the industrial site: 'You know, I think any of the four previous locations would work, but there's something about this place. It just has a really good energy here, you know? Lots of natural light.' Ben/others: 'It's tiny and awful and loud. And it's zone 14B, industrial waste clean-up site.'

April:What is that thing?

Ann:Oh my God. That's my childhood doll.

April:Why would you leave that here?

Ann:I didn't! I threw it away years ago.

April:Leslie, I need you to get me a helicopter.

Leslie:A helicopter? April, that's not really—

April:And I need you to teach it to speak French.

Leslie:Okay, now you're just—

April:Also, I want you to go back in time and prevent the invention of Mondays.

Leslie:That's literally impossible.

April:And finally, I need you to make Jerry the mayor of a small European country.

Leslie:April, why would you—

April:Actually, that's the only reasonable one.

Leslie:I've created a monster. April has become too efficient, too capable. She's like Frankenstein's monster, except instead of terrorizing villagers, she's just... perfectly organizing my files and anticipating my needs before I even know I have them.

April:That's the job description.

Leslie:I know, but I didn't think you'd actually be GOOD at it. Now I'm afraid if I say the wrong thing, you'll turn on me. I've lost control of my creation.

Leslie:So Ricky is... well, he's very masculine. Deep voice, facial hair, very strong.

Ron:Sounds like a man.

Leslie:He is! Except when he needs to be a woman for the mission.

Ron:That doesn't make any sense.

Leslie:I know, but we're committed to the bit.

Ron:I used to give Leslie these incredibly specific tasks just to keep her busy. I'd say, 'Leslie, I need you to organize all the binders in this office by the number of sheets inside them, then cross-reference that with the color of the binder and create a spreadsheet.' She'd spend eight hours on it, and at the end of the day, I'd just throw it away.

Leslie:I called it 'Much Ado About Mulching.' Get it? Because Shakespeare? And mulch?

Ron:I've been going to JJ's Diner every morning for 20 years. Waffles are a stable, predictable food. Consistent. Reliable.

Leslie:Ron, those waffle mornings have been some of my favorite memories with you.

Ron:I know. That's why I keep doing them. But I go there for the waffles, not the company.

Leslie:Wait... you're saying our special waffle tradition was just... about the waffles?

Ron:Leslie, I've been eating waffles since before you were born. They're just a delivery system for syrup and butter. I don't need them to change my life.

Ann:So this piece is about the commodification of the human form in late capitalism?

Orin:No, it's about the commodification of the human form in late capitalism AND the male gaze.

Orin · Host:The Orin performance art scene: A host greets visitors with 'Howdy, neighbors. Welcome to human farm. Here's your animal feed. Please don't feed the animals.' A man is living as a farm animal in an exhibit.

Leslie Knope:We need to address the molasses disaster victims with compassion and dignity.

Jessica:Absolutely. We should launch a comprehensive memorial initiative.

Leslie Knope:I'm thinking a candlelit vigil, a scholarship fund in their names...

Jessica:Or we could rebrand it as a 'Molasses Incident Awareness Month' with corporate sponsorships and a hashtag campaign.

Tom:Yeah, no, that's cool. Ben's great. Ben's really great. I'm happy for Ben.

Jerry:My real name isn't Jerry. It's Garry.

Andy:Garry? That's like a angry way to say Jerry.

Andy:I've been thinking about becoming a cop, but I realized I don't know how to do a stakeout. Like, I don't even know what you're supposed to do on a stakeout.

Ben:You sit in a car and watch a location.

Andy:For how long?

Ben:As long as it takes.

Andy:That's the problem. I can't just sit somewhere. I need to be doing something. I need to be moving around, talking to people, eating food.

Leslie:Orin's art show was absolutely incredible. The way he captured the essence of despair and emptiness was just breathtaking.

April:Yeah, and I really appreciated how he used the color black. Very subtle choice.

April:I trust Jeremy Jamm because he's the only person in this town who's more of a sociopath than I am.

April:Plus, he showed me his water flosser once and I was genuinely impressed.

April:I'm not wearing this stupid raccoon outfit.

Orin:But April, you're perfect as a raccoon. They're trash pandas.

April:Exactly. Why would you assign me that?

Orin:I'm a llama. Do you know how humiliating that is?

April:At least llamas are cool. Raccoons are literally garbage.

Orin:We could trade.

April:No. You're staying a llama, and you're going to like it.

Tom:I'm like the Beyoncé of government. Not in terms of talent or influence, but in terms of how many times I've been unfaithful to my wife.

Tom:Ben, you were like the worst part of an inspirational movie. You know, the part where they explain the problem for forty-five minutes.

Tom:The King's Speech is a terrible movie. It's basically two hours of a guy struggling to say words.

Cameraman:Yeah, but that's the best part.

Andy:Chris, you're so incredibly handsome it's basically a crime.

Chris:Thank you?

Andy:No, I'm serious. You're aggressively good-looking. It's unfair to the rest of us.

Chris:I... appreciate that, Andy.

Andy:Your teeth are so white and perfect, it's honestly insulting. You're making everyone else look bad just by existing.

Andy:Wait, wait. So City Hall was actually robbed? Like for real?

Andy:This is so cool! We've been practicing for this our whole lives and it finally happened!

April:There is no opposition. Jeremy Jamm is just a idiot who thinks he's important.

Tom:Tom pitches himself to a documentary filmmaker: 'Not to mention in the last month alone, three people have confused me for a shorter, Indian Ryan Gosling.'

April:You lied to me about the entire thing.

Jamm:Psych!

Jamm:And that's why you never trust a Jamm.

Jeremy Jamm:You just got jammed!

Leslie Knope:Oh my God, can you please stop saying that?

April:You eat mice. You eat mice and you always have.

April:I've seen you do it.

April:You're a mouse eater, Leslie.

Ann:You better watch out, because I'm going to take you to the Octagon.

Ann:That's where I'm going to destroy you.

Ann:My ex-boyfriend used to say that all the time.

Andy:You know what? If someone steals my laptop, I'm gonna booby-trap my next one. You know, like Home Alone style.

Ben:That's... that's illegal, Andy.

Andy:What? It's my laptop!

Ben:You can't set traps that could seriously injure or kill someone.

Andy:Not even a little bit?

Andy:I'm gonna be the greatest police officer this town has ever seen. I'll solve crimes with my bare hands, rappel down buildings, maybe even fight a robot.

Jerry:Andy, you haven't even passed the police academy yet.

Andy:Details, Jerry. Details.

Andy:I don't know if police work is for me. Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

Police Officer:Whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened to the Andy Dwyer who came in here full of energy and optimism?

Andy:He's still here, he's just... discouraged.

Police Officer:Well, we're going to treat this like any other case. I'm going to need you to describe what was taken.

Andy:What do you mean?

Police Officer:Your confidence. Someone stole your confidence. And we're going to find them.

Ben:Accounting is not boring. If accounting were a TV show, it would be on HBO, not some basic cable network. It would have complex characters, intricate plotlines, and it would make you think.

Leslie:Ben, accounting would be on C-SPAN at 3 AM, and it would still get better ratings than C-SPAN's usual programming.

Ben:That's fair.

Ben:A&E doesn't cover boring topics.

Tom:They have a show called 'Storage Wars.'

Ann:We need to play dirty with Jamm.

April:Okay, I'll go roll around in the mud.

Ann:No, that's not what I meant.

April:Too late, I'm already covered in mud.

Andy:Wait, wait, wait. If I'm sad, I need to take off my shirt because the sadness needs to escape through my torso.

Andy:And if I'm happy, I gotta keep it on so the happiness doesn't fly away.

Andy:Dude, I'm gonna get a gun! I'm gonna be packing heat!

Chris:Actually, security guards in Indiana aren't authorized to carry firearms without additional licensing and training that this position doesn't provide.

Andy:So... no gun?

Chris:No gun.

Jeremy Jamm:Oh my God! Oh my God! They're doing it right there on my lawn! In broad daylight! This is... this is a disaster! My neighbors are going to think I'm running some kind of... of... animal brothel!

Leslie:Okay, so we all agree that Jeremy Jamm is the worst, right?

April:Obviously.

Ann:He's terrible.

Leslie:Well, I've been thinking about his stupid catchphrase, 'Treat Yo' Self.' What if we created our own versions?

April:Like what?

Leslie:'Treat Yo' Staff.' Because we should treat our staff well.

Ann:'Treat Yo' Health.' Get a checkup.

April:'Treat Yo' Pets.' Because animals matter.

Jamm:I won! Treat yo' self!

April:You just had a baby. Shouldn't you be home enjoying your family?

Leslie:Enjoy? April, I don't understand. There are zoning permits that need reviewing.

Ben:I'm quitting accounting. I'm going to start my own business venture.

Ben:You've got to spend money to make money. It's just business 101.

Leslie · Ann:Leslie: 'Yes. We'll have triple-sex with him.' Ann: 'No. I have an idea... it is a dick move.' Leslie: 'I love it.'

Ben:I'm leaving accounting to pursue something more fulfilling.

Ben:Wait, wait, wait. Do you know what I'm giving up? Dental. Full dental coverage. And vision. What if I go blind? I need to see things!

Ben:And the 401k match — they match up to 6%! Six percent! That's free money! Who leaves free money?

Ben:Oh God, I just realized I lose my parking spot. My spot. The one by the entrance.

Andy:Andy taking his shirt off when sad: 'When I get bummed out, I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.'

Chris · Andy:Chris offers Andy the weekend security guard job: 'But keep in mind, if you take this job, you must keep your clothes on at all times, even if you get sad.' Andy: 'No deal.' / 'Okay, I'll do it.'

Andy · Chris:Andy: 'And I get a gun, and I can point it in people's faces.' Chris: 'Incorrect.'

Andy · Chris:Andy: 'And I get a gun, and I can point it in people's faces.' Chris: 'Incorrect.'

Leslie · April · Jamm:Leslie and April's plan: releasing dogs and children on Jamm's front lawn. A dog is 'dry-humping my garden gnome.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Yeah, sic the police on a bunch of kids and puppies. That's a great photo op.'

Leslie · April · Ann · Jamm:After the deal: 'You just got knoped. And ludgated.' / 'And perkinsed.' / 'Ha-ha. Nice try. It didn't work.' / Jamm: 'You just got jammed.'

Leslie · April:Leslie: 'Wait, wait, wait, do you never just take a second to enjoy things?' April: 'I just said, let's get to work.' Leslie: 'How else do people enjoy things?'

Ben · Accounting Boss Barney:Ben quits his accounting job again. His boss: 'Is this a classic Ben joke?' Ben: 'No. I'm really sorry.' Boss: 'This is disappointing. Again.'

Accounting Boss Barney:After Ben quits again, his boss calls for Ted: 'Ted, get in here! Ben's quitting again, but you gotta hear what he said.'

Ben:Ben's speech about why he's quitting: 'I mean, why be an accountant, you know? Other than the stability and the health plan and the above-average pay.'

Ben · Accounting Boss Barney:Ben's boss: 'Maybe someday we'll figure out the magic formula that gets you to work here.' Ben: 'Well, formulas are my formula for moolah.'

Ben:Ben's final talking head: 'Oh, God, this better work out.'