Leslie Vs. April

2020... Uh... that's a stretch. Fine. 2024.

I'll take the West Wing. You take the East Wing. You can be the first gentleman.

Is it a waffle tower?

You're--my name just came out of your mouth.

Oh, Mr. vice president, I am deeply flattered, but there's no way that I could take over Madam Secretary Clinton's position. I mean-- Okay, I will.

Hey-- y-you're very welcome. You're very handsome. Well, you're very nice. Okay. Thank you.

You don't let anything happen to him, you understand me? He is precious cargo.

So just call me Bond, municipal bond.

Yeah, that joke killed at the accounting firm.

Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Looks and Professor Books. He's Looks. I got it.

Well, fun fact: Ben just got an amazing accounting job. Regular fact: I have to go to a meeting. Un-fun fact: My Uncle just had a stroke.

We specialize in making stacks on stacks on stacks on stacks.

I discovered I'm roughly the same size as the average Pawnee 12-year-old.

Pawnee only has two dog parks-- this one and that one, which is also an active parking lot.

Can you say 'per capita' again? I want to take a picture of you saying 'per capita.'

And... here we go.

He's an animal living on a human farm. And you can go and feed him from your own hand.

I don't want to whip out the legalese on you now, but I got dibs.

A game is the foot.

I took my talents to South Beach.

Yes, I took your government computer from Indiana to Miami to sell it on the black market for 150 bucks.

Your mission statement made sense, and you didn't use one R. Kelly lyric.

It seems like the kind of place a ska band would go to shoot heroin.

I mean, look, there's already a dog here. Oh, my God. I had that exact doll when I was a kid.

Okay. Saw off your pinky toe. No. Shave your head. No. Have sex with Jerry. No.

I have created a monster. And now I need to destroy her.

He's smart, and he's beautiful, and I think of him in many ways as a daughter, but that would be crazy 'cause he's a man and his name's Ricky.

I once had you put together a brochure about different kinds of Indiana topsoil.

That soil brochure was not busy work. I mean, people still refer to Mulch Ado About Nothing.

Those were distraction waffles? I thought they were friendship waffles.

Breakfast food can serve many purposes.

I like the statement it's making that, you know, we're all in cages in a way. Yeah, it's actually about death and the city.

Oh, my escargot delivery service, Snail Mail.

People died. Actually, speaking of, we're starting up a non-profit foundation to restore our name.

Just to clarify, it's a no to me on all fronts, and you're offering Ben a job? Yeah. Cool. Cool.

It's not. My real name is Gary. Well, Gary--if that even is your real name--

I can never tell when people are lying to me. Hopefully that doesn't come up in my police work.

What's your favorite part? The heavy-handedness.

He gave me a really cool dental mirror to check out my molars.

Moo. Moo. Quiet, weirdo. Aren't you supposed to be a sheep? No. You are.

Not to mention in the last month alone three people have confused me for a shorter, Indian Ryan Gosling.

He sweats. He stutters. It's like The King's Speech, but the first part, before he's fixed.

That was my favorite part of the movie.

Don't play stupid and handsome with me. You're as guilty as you are sexy.

Like a real crime? That's even better.

Really? I just heard one hag booing.

You don't even have to be Asian to do math that simple.

You told me you wanted a dog park. Uh, psych.

You just got jammed.

I hate when he says that.

Yes, you do. You're a mouse eater. Mouse eater. Mouse eater.

No one leaves the Octagon. I dated an ultimate fighter. It was like a thing he said.

Boom, take 'em all out.

It's not superhero time.

Maybe we should find the person who stole his positive attitude.

If it was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.

They have a show about storage unit auctions.

Yes. We'll have triple-sex with him.

When I get bummed out, I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.

And I get a gun, and I can point it in people's faces. Incorrect.

He is dry-humping my garden gnome. Stupid beast.

You just got knoped. And ludgated. And perkinsed.

Nice try. It didn't work. You just got jammed.

Wait, wait, wait, do you never just take a second to enjoy things? I just said, 'let's get to work.' How else do people enjoy things?

Well, formulas are my formula for moolah.

Ted, get in here! Ben's quitting again, but you gotta hear what he said.

I mean, other than the stability and the health plan and the above-average pay. Oh, God, this better work out.