Pawnee Commons

Derry Murbles:Radio sponsorship announcement for 'The Shadows of Seven Heads' — 'the dramic tale of an Israeli soldier who falls in love with conjoined Palestinian sextuplets.'

Derry Murbles:I'm just a substitute host filling in for the regular guy who does this. I don't know what's going on half the time, but I show up, I do my job, and I go home.

Derry Murbles:Last week, they had me introduce something called 'The Pawnee Shoe Ballet' — it's exactly what it sounds like. Forty-seven minutes of people in leotards dancing while wearing different shoes. One guy did a interpretive dance about a Crocs sandal. A Crocs sandal! And the crowd gave him a standing ovation.

Leslie:You know, I just want to say that what you do here is really important. Radio is a vital medium, and you're doing great work.

Radio Host:Well, thank you. That's very kind of you to say.

Leslie:I mean it. I was listening to your show on the way over here. You were doing a segment called 'Guess the Smell' where callers tried to identify odors you were describing over the phone.

Radio Host:Yeah, that's one of our most popular segments.

Leslie:And it was fantastic. Really, really fantastic. Radio at its finest.

Leslie Knope:It's like Batman!

Derry Murbles:Batman is a 1960s television program about a man in a cape who fights crime in Gotham City. He is accompanied by a young ward named Robin. The show aired for three seasons on ABC and was notable for its campy tone and colorful villains such as the Riddler, the Penguin, and Catwoman. Batman's real identity is Bruce Wayne, a wealthy businessman who witnessed his parents' murder as a child, which motivated him to fight crime. He is equipped with various gadgets stored in his utility belt, including batarangs, a grappling hook, and shark repellent bat spray. His vehicle is called the Batmobile.

Leslie:I'm going to level with you. I need your help with the park design. I've tried everything - I've called every contractor, every engineer, every landscape architect in this city. And nobody will return my calls because apparently I have a 'reputation' for being 'difficult' and 'calling at 3 AM to discuss municipal code.

Leslie:So I'm begging you. Please. I will do anything. I will name a park bench after you. I will name a entire section after you. I will name my firstborn child after you if you just help me with this one thing.

Leslie Knope:Leslie reads a park design submission that ends with: 'Also, I'm innocent. Please find me a lawyer.' — from a federal penitentiary.

Leslie:Welcome to Radio Pawnee's Jazz After Dark. I'm your host, Leslie Knope. Tonight we're doing something revolutionary. We're going to play two jazz recordings at the same time.

Radio Host:That's just... that's just noise.

Leslie:That's what they said about bebop.

Prison letter writer:Dear Parks Department, I have some excellent ideas for your new park design. First, I suggest a perimeter fence at least 12 feet high with barbed wire. Second, watchtowers at each corner with armed guards. Third, a central recreation yard surrounded by cells. Also, if anyone asks, I never wrote this letter. And one more thing — do you know a good lawyer?

Leslie Knope:Leslie's anti-Eagleton rant: 'they would most likely exterminate everyone who isn't from Eagleton if they weren't so busy being obsessed with themselves.'

Leslie:I'm willing to work with anyone. Murderers, arsonists, people who talk in movie theaters...

Leslie:I don't care. If you want to help me make Pawnee better, I will work with you.

Leslie:I don't care if he's the most talented designer in the world. I will not change my mind about this.

Ben:He's from Eagleton.

Leslie:We're hiring him immediately.

Leslie:I'm not being melodramatic.

Leslie:But if we don't pass this bill, it will be basically like genocide. It's literally genocide. Genocide.

Leslie Knope:Eagleton is the worst. Everything about it is the worst. The people, the parks, the government—it's all terrible. They think they're so much better than us, but they're not. They're arrogant and smug and I hate everything about that town.

Leslie Knope:I've actually thrown up from rage about Eagleton.

Tom:Jerry is so far below acquaintances on my social pyramid that he doesn't even have a tier. He's just... dirt. He's beneath dirt. He's the thing dirt looks down on.

Tom:Look, I know what you're thinking. 'Tom, this is just the same tired business idea we've seen a thousand times.' And you're right. But that's exactly why it's going to work. I'm leaning into the cliché. It's meta. It's self-aware. It's... actually just a bad idea, isn't it?

Tom:I want to thank everyone who helped me get here. My beautiful wife Donna, my best friend Jerry - I mean Larry - I mean Garry - anyway, my business partners, my mentors, and most importantly, my stylist.

Tom:Because let me tell you something - you can't achieve success in this world unless you're dressed to the nines in a Tom Ford suit with some fly kicks and a fresh fade. It's called high-low fashion, baby. That's Prada on top, Adidas on the bottom. That's how we do it in the Treat Yo' Self era.

Jerry:Help! Help! Can anybody hear me? I'm trapped under the table!

Tom:Is anyone going to help Jerry?

Jerry:Please! Someone! Anything!

Jerry:I'm still stuck! And now my leg is falling asleep!

Wreston:Of course, feel free to just throw your garbage anywhere. That's what Pawnee does best.

Jerry:Oh, thank you!

Wreston:No, I was being sarcastic.

Jerry:Too late, I already threw it.

Pawnee citizen:There are no trash cans in this park!

Pawnee citizen:I have to carry my garbage around like some kind of pack mule.

Pawnee citizen:Wait... I just realized something. Having to hold onto my garbage all day has made me grateful for it. My trash is a part of me now.

Preston:Welcome to Pawnee's newest park, brought to you by the generous donation from our neighbors in Eagleton.

Preston:We're calling it... Eagleton Commons.

Eagleton Representative:Actually, we prefer 'Eagleton Commons' — with the accent on the second syllable. It's French.

Stark visual contrast showing inequality between the two towns at the border

Andy:Hey, does anyone want to hang out with me while I'm on security guard duty? I'm gonna be here all night and it's really lonely.

Andy:I've been a security guard for 20 minutes and I've already done so much. I've walked around, I've looked at things, I've... I've written down some numbers.

Andy:Wait, what numbers did I write down?

Andy:I'm bored. I need to do something.

Andy:Wait, what am I doing? Why am I here? What's the point of anything?

Andy:Oh God, I'm having an existential crisis. This is bad. This is really bad.

Andy Dwyer:What if we're all just living in a simulation?

April Ludgate:Then I hope it crashes.

Andy:This security job is so boring. I'm just standing here watching monitors all day.

Andy:You know what? I'm not Andy Dwyer, security guard. I'm Detective Slash Speedchaser, private investigator on the case of the Missing Donuts.

Andy:The trail is cold, but Slash Speedchaser never gives up.

Andy:The dame walked in, and I knew right away she was trouble. She had legs that went all the way up to her... legs.

Andy:I'd been a detective for fifteen years, and I'd never seen anything like it. Well, except for that one time. And that other time.

Andy:She said, 'Bert Macklin, I need your help.' I said, 'Lady, I help everyone. It's what I do.'

Ben:Well, the sewage overflow is finally fixed.

Ron:Only took thirty years and a class action lawsuit.

Ben:At least it's done now.

Ron:Done? Ben, we're still finding fish with three eyes in the Wamapoke River.

Leslie:Eagleton is so selfish, they literally pretended the entire town wasn't home when we tried to visit.

Ben:Wait, is that... is that supposed to be me?

Leslie:A balloon artist made sculptures of us! Isn't it amazing?

Ben:It looks like I'm having a stroke.

Leslie:That's just the balloon artist's style.

Tom:I'm trying this new management style where I compliment my employees on their work ethic and appearance.

Jerry:That sounds inappropriate.

Tom:No, no, it's great. Like, 'Jerry, you filed those forms perfectly, and those khakis really bring out your eyes.'

Tom:So Jerry, how are you feeling these days?

Jerry:Well, I've been having some back pain and—

Tom:That's great! Glad to hear you're doing so well.

Leslie:In 1817, Pawnee was founded by a group of brave pioneers who wanted to build a community based on hard work, integrity, and American values. Eagleton, on the other hand, was founded by cowards who were too afraid to stay in Pawnee.

Ben:Leslie was born in Eagleton.

Leslie:What? No! That's... that's my original sin!

Leslie:Pawneeans never give up.

Leslie:We're made of stronger stuff than that.

Leslie:Wait, what does that mural say?

Tour Guide:Oh, that celebrates all the times Pawnee surrendered without fighting.

Ben:So you're telling me you're Hitler's daughter?

April:That's right. My mother was a deer.

Andy (as Bert Macklin):So you're telling me you have an inappropriate attraction to a fictional Hitler character?

Andy (as Bert Macklin):That's... that's not good.

Chris:Ron, I'm concerned about the wood grain direction. Does it affect structural integrity? Should I be using a different type of wood? What if the finish isn't food-safe? How do I know if my measurements are precise enough?

Ron:It's a birdhouse, Chris.

Chris:Right, but what if the birds have ethical concerns about the adhesive I used?

Chris:I tried to fix the joint, but I think I actually made it worse.

Chris:I don't really know what I'm doing with woodworking.

Ron:I'm going to give you a woodworking project. It's pointless, it has no purpose, and when you're done, we're going to burn it.

Chris:Ron, I don't think that's going to help.

Ron:Not with that attitude. Now grab a chisel.

Ben:Who does Wreston sound like?

Leslie:He sounds like a combination of a dictator and a fictional villain.

Andy:Hey, has anyone seen my Hitler impersonator? We were supposed to do a bit about park safety but he never showed up.

Leslie:I want to apologize for what I said. It was wrong and insensitive.

Leslie:But in my defense, my prejudices are completely legitimate.

Leslie:I just want to say I'm really sorry about what happened. I feel terrible and I want to make it right.

Leslie:Hi, I'm Leslie Knope, Deputy Director of the Parks Department.

Leslie:I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have said those things. I feel terrible and I want to make it up to you. That's why I got you this gift — a six-pack of refreshing Coca-Cola Zero Sugar, which has all the taste of regular Coke but with zero calories, zero sugar, and zero artificial sweeteners.

Leslie:I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm really, really sorry.

Leslie:I apologize. I sincerely apologize. I deeply and profoundly apologize.

Leslie:Can you forgive me? Will you forgive me? Please forgive me?

Leslie:Oh my God, we should invite you to our wedding!

Ben:Leslie, we just met him.

Leslie:I know, but he's designing our park. That's basically family.

Donna:These mannequins look depressed.

Tom:They're not depressed, they're just realistic.

Donna:No, they're depressed. Look at that one—she's given up on life.

Tom:Everyone, I'm throwing a pizza party! All the toppings are free.

Jerry:Really? All free?

Tom:Well, cheese doesn't count as a topping.

Ron:I'm not interested in joining your party. A party with no cake, no dancing, and no one I know sounds like my idea of a perfect evening.

Andy:Hey there, buddy. I'm Bert Macklin, FBI. I'm gonna need you to come with me.

Child:I'm lost. I want my mom.

Andy:Your mom? That's exactly what a criminal would say. Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way...

Andy:Wait. Wait, how old are you?

Child:Six.

Andy:Oh my God. Oh my God, I am so sorry. I thought you were... I'm not actually FBI. I'm just a regular person who got really into this character. Your mom is probably really worried. Let me help you find her.

Eagleton architect:We've designed this park with Pawnee's unique demographic in mind. Notice the extra-wide benches and reinforced railings.

Eagleton architect:We also included drainage systems throughout, for the... drooling.

Eagleton architect:Your park design is fundamentally flawed. The pathways don't follow proper feng shui principles.

Leslie Knope:Feng shui? It's a public park, not a meditation temple.

Eagleton architect:Exactly. Which is why we need to install separate water fountains for the common folk. They're like animals — they need to be herded.

Tom Haverford:Did he really just compare us to livestock?

Eagleton architect:Not just herded. Caged. We should fence off the park into designated zones by income level.

Eagleton architect:Your park is small. Eagleton's parks are twice the size of yours.

Ron Swanson:Our park may be smaller, but it's efficient. We don't waste money on unnecessary amenities like you do.

Eagleton architect:Efficient? You call that pile of dirt efficient? In Eagleton, we have parks with water features, sculpture gardens, and proper landscaping.

Leslie Knope:Well, maybe your parks are bigger, but Pawnee's park has heart.

Eagleton architect:Heart? How quaint. Though I suppose when your park is the size of a postage stamp, heart is all you have room for.

Andy Dwyer:Andy breaks character and tells the lost child: 'Oh, hey, I'm just kidding, buddy. I'm just playing around. My name's really Andy Dwyer. I'm a security guard... I've gotten lost here about 500 times, and I work here.'

Leslie:Okay, so here's what we're going to do. First, we'll key their car. Then we'll put a dead fish in their air vents. Then we'll set their house on fire.

Ben:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Leslie, no arson!

Leslie:Fine. But I'm doing the fish thing.

Child:Thank you so much for saving me!

Andy:You're welcome, buddy!

Joey:Yeah, we're just happy you're safe.

Child:Thank you, Hitler!

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa—what did you just call me?

Joey:I think he said 'Hitler.'

Preston:The palm trees were planted by the town's founder in 1912 as a symbol of Eagleton's superiority and refinement.

Preston:They thrive here because God chose Eagleton as his favorite town in Indiana.

Leslie:You know what, Wreston? You're a big idiot! And your face is stupid!

Leslie:I'm gonna throw things at this fountain and yell about you!

Ben:I'll have the eggs, but I want them folded like an origami crane. And can you make the toast into a little edible shoe?

Waitress:So... eggs and toast?

Ben:Well, yes, but with the specific presentation I—

Waitress:Eggs and toast. Coming right up.

Jean-Ralphio:Tom, you gotta understand something about business. You need swag.

Tom:Swag? Like confidence?

Jean-Ralphio:No man, literal swag. Promotional items. You know, branded merchandise. I once started a business called 'Swag' and it was just me stealing stuff and giving it away.

Wreston:She's smart, beautiful, passionate about her work. She cares deeply about this town and the people in it. She's dedicated, driven, and she makes everyone around her want to be better.

Leslie:Wait... are you talking about me?

Wreston:Yes.

Wreston St. James:I've spent a lot of time in Pawnee. I know this town inside and out.

Leslie Knope:Oh my God, because of me, right? You came here because of me?

Andy:Bert Macklin gave everything for this country. He lost his left arm, his right leg, and most of his internal organs. But you know what? It was worth it.

Tom:Ron, check out my new office setup. I got a mahogany desk, Italian leather chair, and a view of the parking lot.

Ron:It's terrible.

Tom:Really? I thought it looked pretty good.

Ron:It's ostentatious, wasteful, and completely unnecessary. It's exactly the kind of thing I despise.

Tom:So... that's bad?

Ron:It's the perfect small business aesthetic. You're going to make a fortune.

Tom:We're having a pizza party! And it's going to be amazing because I found a way to make it even cheaper.

Tom:We're spending less than Elon Musk spends on Twitter per second.

Leslie Knope · Ben Wyatt · Wreston St. James:Leslie: 'You want a stupid tie? I'll give you a stupid tie. Ha ha! Wreston, suck it.' — then immediately Ben tells her Wreston is innocent

Ben Wyatt · Leslie Knope:Leslie's full revenge attack ends. Ben tells her: 'He didn't do it, and he fired the people who did.' Leslie: [implied deflation/mortification]

Tom Haverford:Tom's 'pizza party' accountability: 'Attention, please. I've been going over the books, and I'm missing $9. Now, I'm not angry at whoever took it. Just come forward. You'll be served with a lawsuit, and we will move on with our lives.'

Ron Swanson · Tom Haverford:Ron invites Tom to breakfast and orders for himself: '12 eggs, uncooked, and some toast. 20 slices, untoasted, in a row in a bag.' Tom: 'You want a carton of eggs and a loaf of bread.' Ron: 'Yeah, just the pancake breakfast is fine.'

Ron Swanson · Tom Haverford:Ron to Tom, mid-advice: 'Don't offer to pay if you're gonna be cheap.' Tom: 'But your swagger and your showmanship and your confidence is part of you... you can't have Rent-A-Swag without the swag.'

Ann Perkins · Tom Haverford:Ann reveals the team chipped in to help Tom: 'We all chipped in. Use it to spruce up the store. And in return you can give us like one share of stock in the company. Like a mini public offering.' Tom: '"Smort", Ann. Smort.'

Tom Haverford:Tom, enthused by Ann's investment, calls for: 'Waiter! Eight strips of bacon, uncooked, in a sealed package.'

Wreston St. James · Ben Wyatt · Leslie Knope:Wreston: 'I've never met two people more passionate about their hometown.' Ben: 'Oh, I'm actually from Minnesota.'

Wreston St. James · Ben Wyatt · Leslie Knope:Wreston presents the park design: 'I've never met two people more passionate about their hometown.' Ben: 'Oh, I'm actually from Minnesota.' Leslie: 'Why do you know so much about Pawnee?' Wreston: 'Well, I'm in love with a woman from here. A strange, passionate, goof ball of a woman.' Leslie's talking-head: 'Me. He's in love with me.'

Andy Dwyer · April Ludgate:Andy's elaborate Bert Macklin retirement ceremony: 'I'm sorry to see you go, Macklin. You didn't always play by the rules, but damn it, you were a hell of an agent. Today I say good-bye to the only life I've ever known... 40 years undercover. I never even met my family.'

Andy Dwyer · April Ludgate:April offers a retirement gift on behalf of 'the boys.' Andy: 'And this is all I have to show for it? Totally worth it.'

Andy Dwyer:'40 years undercover. I never even met my family.' / 'And this is all I have to show for it?' / 'Totally worth it.'

April Ludgate:April, playing a fellow agent at the retirement ceremony, delivers the closing line: 'If you ever need me, you know where to find me -- in bed next to you, probably having sex with you.'

Tom Haverford:New Rent-A-Swag reveal: Tom has decorated the store and announces '30% more swag.' He adds: 'I took everything I own in my house and brought it here, except for my bed. I basically live here now.'

Ron Swanson:Ron inspects the new store: 'I hate all of this, which probably means it's good for your business.'

Chris Traeger · Ron Swanson:Chris reveals his woodworking project was 'for displaying shoes!' Ron's response: 'Yes. That was always the plan.'

Tom Haverford:Tom announces 'Pizza Party! Part Two.' Reveals two pizzas. With toppings. 'Only on half. I'm not Zuckerberg.' / 'Eat up, chumps.'