Ron And Tammys

Leslie:Okay, so tomorrow's budget meeting is going to be intense. We need to prepare for the thunderdome of municipal finance. It's going to be brutal, it's going to be chaotic, and honestly, it's going to make Mad Max look like a PTA meeting.

Leslie:Ron is our secret weapon.

Tom:What does that mean?

Leslie:Well, when people meet Ron, they're either really into him or they back off slowly.

April:And then they wet themselves.

Ron:Income tax is illegal. I've checked with the constitution multiple times. It's not in there.

Ron:She has this uncanny ability to make me do things I don't want to do. It's like she's got invisible strings attached to me, pulling me in whatever direction she wants. I'm a puppet, and she's the puppet master.

Ron:Except the strings are made of disappointment and regret, and instead of a puppet stage, it's my entire life. And instead of an audience, it's just me, alone, wondering where it all went wrong.

Leslie:Ron, this is serious. You could go to jail. Jail, Ron. Jail. Do you understand? Jail. You're going to jail. Jail!

Ron:Leslie, you've said the word 'jail' about 47 times in the last ten minutes. I'm starting to think you might need professional help.

Leslie:Operation Rescue Ron.

Leslie:I know, I know. It's a bad name.

Ben:Tom! Hey! I'm so glad you're here. You know, I just wanted to say how much your friendship means to me.

Tom:Aw, man, that's nice. What's this about?

Ben:Nothing, I just appreciate you. You've always been there for me, and I don't say it enough.

Tom:Ben, what do you want?

Ben:Can I borrow twenty thousand dollars?

Ben:You're right, Tom. I am a nerd. In fact, I'm going to lean into it. I'm going to start wearing a pocket protector, get really into D&D, and I'm going to write a 47-page technical manual on the proper way to organize a filing system.

Ben:And you know what? I'm going to enjoy every second of it, because at least nerds have hobbies that don't involve getting kicked out of Applebee's.

Tom:Hey Ben, I need your help moving to California tomorrow.

Ben:Oh, of course! I'd be happy to help you move.

Tom:Great! I'm leaving in the morning.

Ben:Wait, tomorrow? Like... you're moving away? For good?

Tom:Yeah, I got that job offer and I'm taking it.

Ben:Oh. So when you said you needed my help... you meant right now. You're actually leaving. We're not gonna... I thought we were best friends.

Tom:Ben, I'm going to manipulate you right now, but I'm going to be totally honest about it.

Ben:What? Tom, no—

Tom:See, I'm already doing it. You're so confused right now that you can't even mount a proper defense. This is classic misdirection through transparency.

Leslie:Ron, these tax receipts are a nightmare. You have a receipt for 'Government Waste' dated three years ago with no other information.

Ron:That's a legitimate business expense. I was protesting.

Leslie:You also have a receipt that just says 'Whiskey' with a question mark.

Ron:I wasn't sure if it was whiskey. Could've been scotch.

Leslie:Ron, they're the same thing!

Ron:Not to the IRS they're not. I'm very thorough.

Ron:I don't keep bank statements. I don't believe in them.

Ron:Or have I?

April:Ron, what is this? Are you dealing drugs?

Ron:Absolutely not. I'm trading wood chips for a new engine block. The man needed mulch for his garden, I need an engine. It's called capitalism.

April:That's literally just bartering.

Ron:I prefer to call it a free market transaction. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go trade three cords of firewood for dental work.

Ron:I send my mother a care package every month. It costs about $140.

Ron:It's just weapons and tobacco.

April:Your mom sounds kickass.

Ron:She is. Her name is Tammy.

April:Oh my God.

Ron:I've also dated a Tammy. And another Tammy. And I'm currently in a relationship with a Tammy.

April:You have a type.

Ron:I have a pattern.

Ron:I've been married three times. All three of my wives were named Tammy.

Ron:My mother's name is Tammy. My current mistress's name is Tammy.

Ron:I have a sister named Tammy.

Ron:…I see what that sounds like now.

Leslie:Oh my God, that's so ironic. The health director got the exact disease he was supposed to prevent.

Ann:Well, I guess that's just Pawnee. The health director has diabetes, the parks department is completely dysfunctional, and somehow that's just... normal here.

Leslie:So I'm thinking about updating my wardrobe. You know, maybe I'll go with something a little more... Posh.

Leslie:Or maybe Sporty. Or Scary. Or Baby.

Leslie:Wait... why do all my fashion ideas sound like girl groups?

Tom:You know what? Seventy-five percent of an NBA player's salary is a bargain for a failing business. That's basically free money.

Jean-Ralphio:From now on, I'm calling you... Brando.

Ben:Why Brando?

Jean-Ralphio:Because you look like a discount Marlon Brando. A Marlon Blando, if you will. Also, those khakis are a crime against fashion. You look like a sad accountant at a Sandals resort.

Jean-Ralphio:Actually, wait. I'm gonna call you Travesty.

Ben:That's worse.

Jean-Ralphio:No it's not. It's a portmanteau of 'travesty' and 'majesty.'

Ben:How much are we paying her?

Model/Receptionist:I don't know what I'm doing.

Ben:Yeah, we're paying her a massive salary.

Ben:Okay, so if we factor in the cost of the gazebo, the permits, the insurance, the maintenance crew, the port-a-potties, and the DJ... we're looking at approximately $47,000 in overhead costs.

Ben:Which means, given our current budget, we'll be completely out of money by... next Thursday at 2 PM.

Ron:Tammy One and I met when I was in high school. She was my history teacher.

Ron:I was 17 years old.

Ron:Tammy One taught me everything I know. She taught me how to cook, how to provide for a family, how to treat a woman with respect.

Ron:And the accumulating inappropriate power dynamics.

Leslie Knope:Hi! I'm Leslie Knope, I work here in the Parks Department, and I just wanted to introduce myself and—

Tammy One:No.

Ron:I only date brunettes because blondes are like cotton candy - pretty to look at, but ultimately empty and forgettable. Redheads are spicy, unpredictable, wild cards. But brunettes? Brunettes are like a well-prepared meal. Substantial. Dependable. Satisfying.

Ron:Tammy, however, is like food poisoning. She seemed fine at first, but then she got inside me and made me violently ill for years.

Ron Swanson:Is that necessary?

Tammy One:Ron, I've been married to you for two years. Everything I do is necessary.

Tammy:What's your name?

Andy:It's... Burt Macklin.

Tammy:Really?

Andy:No, it's Andy. I'm sorry, I panicked.

Tammy One:Ron will be in prison within five years. I've seen it. He'll be the wife of a man named Curtis who makes license plates in the yard. Ron will have a tattoo of a horse on his neck. He'll write me letters in a childish scrawl, begging me to send him cigarettes and skin lotion.

Leslie:You know what? I think I'm actually enjoying this. There's something weirdly liberating about being completely dominated by someone who hates you.

Leslie:It's like... I don't have to try anymore. I can just be terrible and she'll hate me anyway. It's freedom.

Ron:I shaved my mustache. I'm embracing a new chapter of personal growth and self-discovery. I'm really excited about the journey ahead and the opportunities it presents for me to connect with my feelings and explore my authentic truth.

Leslie:Ron, did you just... did you just use words like 'journey' and 'authentic truth'?

Ron:Yes, Leslie. I'm trying your approach to life. It's exhausting and I hate it, but the results speak for themselves.

Ron:Hey buddy, how's it going? Did you catch the game last night? That was crazy, right?

Leslie:Ron, are you... are you making small talk?

Ron:What? No. Well, yes. I thought we could be friends. Real friends. The kind who talk about sports and the weather.

Leslie:Ron, this is the worst thing that's ever happened.

Ron:Tammy said she'd help me with my finances. She set up a Swiss bank account, moved all my money there, and told me never to ask questions about it.

Leslie:Ron, that's not help. That's embezzlement.

Ron:I know what embezzlement is, Leslie. I went to school. Tammy said this was better than embezzlement because it's perfectly legal.

Ron:I love filing these TPS reports. The formatting, the cover sheets, the binders – it's all so satisfying.

Leslie:Ron, are you feeling okay?

Ron:Never better. I'm thinking about color-coding my files by department. Maybe alphabetizing them too.

Ann:That was... really something.

Leslie:Okay, so there's a difference between takes. Take one is where you do the thing. Take two is where you do the thing slightly differently. Take three is where you do the thing the way I originally wanted it, which is the right way.

Tom:Our business model is very simple and completely legal.

Jean-Ralphio:We make our own money.

Tom:It's called counterfeiting, and it's awesome.

Jean-Ralphio:Our marketing strategy is simple, bro. We just throw money at the problem.

Tom Haverford:Literally throw it. Like, out the window.

Jean-Ralphio:It's genius, dude. People see free money falling from the sky, they're gonna want in on our operation.

Jean-Ralphio:Yo, that's streets ahead, bro. We're gonna treat yo' self to some snake juice and just vibe with the homies, ya know what I'm sayin'?

Tom:I'm going to handle this situation with the utmost professionalism and integrity. I'm talking buttoned-up, by-the-book, totally legit. This is going to be my most professional moment yet. I'm about to be so professional, it's going to be off the hook!

Leslie:Ron, this memo you sent me... it's very... friendly. Very casual. There are even some exclamation points in here.

Ron:I'm aware.

Leslie:This isn't like you at all. Where's the disdain? The thinly veiled contempt? The passive-aggressive references to my incompetence?

Ron:I'm trying something new.

Leslie:Well, I don't like it. I want the real Ron back.

Ron:I don't want to argue with you about government spending. I have faith that the government will waste my money efficiently.

Leslie:Ron, I need you to organize the supply closet by end of day.

Tammy:Ronald, I need you to pick up my dry cleaning.

Ron:I'm gonna go... snuggle-wuggle those files into the cabbie-wabbie.

Leslie:This is worse than Tammy Two, the sex maniac.

Leslie Knope:Is the audit real?

Tammy One:Well, that depends on your definition of 'real.' If you're asking whether the audit exists in a tangible, physical sense, then yes. But if you're asking whether it exists in some sort of metaphysical sense, then perhaps we need to examine the nature of bureaucratic reality itself.

Tammy:Ron buried gold in the woods. Literal gold. Bars of it.

Leslie:Wait, so when I called him a 'gold-digging paranoid lunatic,' I was being...literally accurate?

Ron:You weren't wrong.

Ron:She's not manipulating you, Leslie. She's just being honest. Tammy tells it like it is. That's what I call a healthy relationship.

Tom:Wait, Ben, you don't want the electronics? I got you a sick home theater system, brand new, still in the box.

Jean-Ralphio:Yeah man, and I got you a top-of-the-line sound system. State of the art.

Tom:We're talking thousands of dollars here.

Jean-Ralphio:Why would you not want that?

Tom:It doesn't make any sense.

Ann:Oh my god. What have I done?

Ann:He's... he's actually insane.

Ann:I dated a crazy person. I actually dated a crazy person.

Tammy Two:I can't help you. Last week someone threw acid in my face.

April:Wait, acid damage? Like what kind of acid? How much? What did it eat through first?

Leslie Knope:So you have quite a collection of guns.

Tammy Zero:A woman's right to bear arms is just as important as a man's. In fact, I'd say it's more important, because we have to be twice as tough.

Leslie Knope:That's... actually a fair point.

Leslie:Yeah, I can definitely see the family resemblance.

Ron Swanson:What's in the jug?

Tammy Zero:The finest corn whiskey this side of the Mississippi.

Ron Swanson:And what else?

Tammy Zero:It strips varnish.

Tammy Zero:Don't you dare drink that liquor. I have other uses for it.

Leslie Knope:What kind of uses?

Tammy Zero:I use it to strip the paint off the deck. It's also excellent for cleaning wounds. And occasionally, I bathe in it to maintain my skin.

Leslie:Glenn... Gluh... Glenclose... No wait, Glen-kloze... Glin-clohz...

Leslie:No, no, it's fine. I can keep going. I'm not even drunk.

Leslie:Hey Jimmy, you want some apple juice? We can go to the park and play on the swings.

Ron:My name is not Jimmy.

Leslie:That's what all the kids say, Jimmy.

Chris:Ann, I just want to thank you for doing this PSA with me. You're an amazing person and an even more amazing friend.

Ann:Aw, Chris, that's so sweet. You know, you really are one of the kindest, most thoughtful people I know.

Ann:I mean, sure, you're a little intense, and you have some weird dietary restrictions, and you're obsessed with fitness in a way that borders on unhealthy...

Ann:But deep down, you're really just a good guy.

Ben:Tom, you need to cut costs. Look at your staffing—you're paying five people to do the work of two.

Tom:But Ben, those are my friends!

Ben:Exactly. That's the problem.

April:I'll drink it. I'm 1/16th Native American.

Tammy:I stole half your gold.

Ron:You didn't steal anything. That gold was fake. I buried fake gold.

Tammy:What?

Ron:I buried fake gold in the woods so that if someone tried to steal my real gold, they'd only get the fake gold. The real gold is hidden somewhere else.

Tammy:Ron, that's insane.

Ron:Is it? Or is it genius?

Tammy One:You may have won this battle, Ron Swanson, but I will outlive you. I will attend your funeral and I will laugh.

Leslie:Well, that was... awkward.

Ben:Look at this. A conference table made of reclaimed barn wood and inlaid with semi-precious stones. Forty-seven thousand dollars.

Ben:This is a desk chair. It's a desk chair. Five thousand dollars.

Ben:Who needs a desk chair that costs more than a car?

Ben:Well, he's been here for three hours without moving. By my calculations, he's either dead or he's a government employee.

Leslie Knope · Ron's Mom Tammy:Oh, my God! There's a room full of just guns. Why do you have so many guns? This is America, isn't it? Yes. Then, I don't have to answer stupid questions while standing on my own property.

Leslie:Okay, well, that's definitely Ron's mom.

Ron's Mom Tammy:An old-fashioned prairie drink-off.

Ron's Mom Tammy:That's Swanson Family Mash Liquor. Made from the finest corn ever grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speedboats.

Ron's Mom Tammy · Leslie Knope:If you win, he's all yours. And if I win, I bring him back to the farm for good. Wait. What? That wasn't the deal.

Ron's Mom Tammy:Leslie, no. Don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the mules.

Leslie Knope:Poison! Ugh! I made a mistake.

Tammy One · Ron's Mom Tammy:Had enough? Of this watered-down baby formula? Not even close.

Leslie Knope:Marvin clonse. Glenn Close.

Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope:Leslie, you don't have to do this. Shh! Go to bed, Jimmy.

Leslie Knope:Blech! I can't feel my face. My face is numb.

Leslie Knope · Delivery Guy:Diabetes! [delivery guy shouts it] Not quite, but I like the energy.

Ann Perkins:We had it seven hours ago.

Leslie Knope:Oh, Ann, I know that I can be intense, but I'm only trying to be the best me that I can be. I want to thank you for this opportunity. And your patience. And your intelligence and... Your insight. You really are an amazing human being.

Ann Perkins:Oh, right. That's why I dated him.

Tom Haverford · Ben Wyatt:We brought in five accountants to look at E 720, and they all said the same thing you did. Okay. Well, first thing you need to do? Get rid of four of those accountants. You don't need five accountants. Again, good advice.

Tom Haverford · Ben Wyatt:I bought that one personally. As a thank-you. It's an iPad.

Unknown/Background:Everybody prance, now / Prance, prance, prance, prance, prance

April Ludgate:Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican. I can handle it.

Ron Swanson:That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail.

Ron's Mom Tammy · Tammy One · Ron Swanson:Mom? You're going back to the farm. And you? Hmm? You're going back to hell. Fine. I got what I came for, anyway. I found your underground safe. I stole half your gold. That's decoy gold.

Tammy One · Ron:Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground safe. I stole half your gold. / That's decoy gold. You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground, where anyone could find it? / You don't know me at all.

Tammy One:I intend to be there the minute you die.

Leslie Knope:Ron, your family is weird.

Ben Wyatt:Literally, there's someone reading a magazine and someone applying nail polish. What's... What is she doing? She's just playing with an iPad.

Ben Wyatt:There's someone over there in a deep sleep. She's probably being paid upwards of $100,000 a year.

Ben Wyatt:There's this video of a boat. Look at that thing. What is that? What are you supposed to do with that thing?