Im Leslie Knope

Leslie:I'm ready to serve the people of Pawnee with integrity and professionalism.

Leslie:Together, we can build a more... prosperous... and munificent future!

Leslie:Wait, did I just say munificent? I meant magnificent. Or... munificent is a word, right? Either way, I'm sorry.

Leslie:I have nothing to hide. My entire life is an open book. There are no secrets, no scandals, nothing embarrassing in my past whatsoever.

Ben:Leslie, we just found photos of you and—

Leslie:Okay, well, there's that one thing.

Leslie:This is it! This is my moment! I'm running for City Council and I'm going to win!

Ann:Leslie, that's amazing! We're so excited for you!

Leslie:I know, right? I've been preparing for this my whole—

Leslie:Oh my God.

Ann:What?

Leslie:Ben. I can't be with Ben. The ethics violations. He's the Deputy Director.

Ann:You know what? I could go back to not knowing any of this stuff. Ignorance is bliss.

Leslie:Yes. Please do that.

Ron:I have been married twice. Both times to a woman named Tammy.

Ron:Tammy Two was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Ron:But Tammy One... Tammy One tried to sabotage the entire Parks Department. So it's a tough call.

Ron:I have accumulated 3,400 hours of unused vacation days. I'm taking them all at once. My ex-wife Tammy will never find me.

Ron:I'm keeping some raw meat in my desk drawer. It's for emergencies.

Leslie:Ron, wait! Where are you going?

Tammy One:Ronald.

Leslie:Oh my God. Oh my God, no.

Tom:Hello, everybody. It is I, Tom Haverford, entrepreneur, visionary, and small business owner. I have returned.

Tom:I can't actually explain what my business does.

Tom:Oh man, it feels like I've been gone for years! So much has changed!

Donna:Tom, you were only gone three weeks.

Tom:Wait, who are you again?

Leslie:So what do you think of my position papers?

Political advisor:Leslie, these are great, but you're running for City Council in Pawnee, Indiana. You have forty pages on Middle East peace accords.

Leslie:Well, I like to be thorough.

Political advisor:You also wrote a comprehensive trade policy with the European Union. Pawnee doesn't have trade relations with the European Union.

Leslie:Not yet.

Leslie:When I was a little girl, I made an action figure out of a Barbie doll and some pipe cleaners. I named her Senator Barbara and she fought crime and passed legislation.

Ben:Who were you meeting with?

Leslie:Oh, just my... my dentist. Dr. Teeth McFloss. He's very exclusive. Only takes patients on Tuesdays and Saturdays, but also Wednesdays. He's very flexible with his schedule. We were discussing my gums, which are — I'm very proud of them.

Leslie:I can't sneak around, Ann. I'm not sneaky. I'm loud and aggressive and I have a very distinctive walk.

Leslie:Oh my God, Ann, look at this email. It has a photo of us from the gala attached.

Leslie:Stop emailing me pictures of yourself! I already have enough photos of you!

Ann:Leslie, I didn't send that.

Leslie:Well, your photo did. Look at it. Stop it. No more emails!

Andy:Wow, that's... that's pretty bold. I mean, you gotta admire the audacity.

Andy:Wait, did I just make a pun? That was accidental.

Chris:Jerry, if you ever do that again, I'm going to break every bone in your body.

Jerry:Oh, Chris, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Political Advisor 1:Leslie, we'd like you to do a TV interview.

Political Advisor 2:We've heard you're great at imitating interviewers.

Leslie Knope:Well, I do have a talent for that.

Political Advisor 1:That's perfect! You can anticipate their questions and prepare better answers.

Political Advisor 2:This is going to be amazing!

Tom:This is my new business card. Pretty cool, right?

Andy:Tom, I can't read any of this.

Tom:That's because it's cool. If you can read it, it's not cool enough.

Andy:It's also on fire.

Tom:That's the destructible element. Very exclusive.

Andy:Does it have any destructive properties?

Ben:No, it's just a regular card.

Andy:So it won't help me with my debt?

Ben:No, Andy, it won't. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take this call about a penis investigation.

Ann:That is disturbing.

Chris:Your body is a temple. My body is a finely-tuned instrument of maximum physical potential and performance.

Leslie:And that's why we need to invest in our parks. Because let's face it, size matters.

Perd:Well, that's a joke. I recognize the structure of a joke. But I don't understand what you're talking about.

Leslie:It was a penis joke, Perd.

Perd:Oh. Well, that's inappropriate for television.

Perd:And that's the news. Perd Hapley, news anchor, saying the news. You see, I say 'the news' because I am literally saying news to you right now.

Ben:Leslie, I got you flowers. They're not just flowers—they're a symbol of my deep affection, combined with the traditional romantic gesture that spans centuries of human courtship, representing both the beauty of nature and the fragility of love itself.

Leslie:Ben, that's... we need to talk.

Leslie:It went great! We're now engaged. We're getting married in the spring. And we're having triplets.

Leslie:I was going to break up with him, but then he did this thing where he looked at me with those eyes, you know? Those big puppy dog eyes. And I just... I couldn't do it.

Ann:Leslie, you can't just not break up with someone because of their eyes.

Leslie:Have you SEEN his eyes, Ann?

Ben:Wait, who sent this? What's the email address?

Joe:It's... horndog27@swarthmore.edu

Ben:Swarthmore? That's like, one of the best liberal arts colleges in the country.

Joe:Look, sometimes you gotta think of the office like a pipe system. You got your main line—that's me—and everything else is just tributaries flowing into my greatness.

Chris:That's not how pipes work.

Joe:See, that's what I'm talking about. You're clogged up with negativity. You need to flush that out with some positive P-trap energy.

Chris:Those are all real plumbing terms and you're using them completely wrong.

Joe:Exactly. That's the kind of can-do attitude that gets results.

Ben:So what's the diagnosis?

Joe:Well, the doctor said I have a very rare condition. It's called 'Joe-ing too hard.'

Joe:High five!

Leslie:Ron's afraid of physical contact. He once spent an entire weekend locked in his office because someone sneezed near him.

Leslie:As the senior staff member present, I'm taking charge of this office.

April:No one cares.

Andy:I love you, Leslie!

Andy:Leslie, I need career advice. Should I stick with my current job or try something new?

Leslie:Oh, you should absolutely try something new! You need to challenge yourself and grow!

Andy:Really? Even though I have a family to support?

Leslie:Wait, you have a family? No, no, no. You need to stay put. Stability is everything. Family comes first.

Andy:But I thought you said I should challenge myself.

Leslie:Well, yes, but that was before I knew about the family situation. Although, actually, having a family means you should be even MORE ambitious. Show them what's possible! Pursue your dreams!

Andy:So which is it?

Leslie:Both. Neither. Whatever you choose, I will support you 100 percent, but also I will judge you slightly for not picking the other option.

Leslie:So Andy, what's troubling you?

Andy:Well, I've been thinking about quitting my job.

Leslie:Oh, that's easy. Just don't think about it. Problem solved.

Andy:Wow, Leslie, that's actually really helpful advice.

Leslie:I know. I'm basically a therapist.

April:You're the worst therapist.

Leslie:Thank you.

Ann:Treats the parade of genitals like normal email correspondence

Leslie:Hold on, I'm getting a call. Hello? Oh hey! No, no, we're just in the middle of something really important here. Yeah, okay, I'll call you back. Bye!

Political advisor:Who was that?

Leslie:My mom.

Ann:Now it's spread to other cities and departments

Leslie:I'll have a glass of your cheapest wine. Actually, you know what? I don't know anything about wine. I don't know if I'm supposed to swirl it or sniff it or what. I just know that it makes me feel warm and loose, and I like how it tastes like fruit sometimes.

Leslie:I need to use the bathroom. Excuse me, where's the pooper?

Ron:Welcome to my cabin. Here are the ground rules: no talking during meals, no talking during TV time, and no talking while I'm thinking.

Ron:Actually, you know what? No talking at all. In fact, I'd prefer it if you didn't even breathe too loudly.

Ron:And if you must exist in this space, do it as quietly as possible. Ideally, stop existing altogether.

Leslie:So what happened with Tammy One?

Ron:She violated the rules. I enforced them.

Leslie:What rules? What did she do?

Ron:I have a list. She breathed too loud during dinner. That's a spanking. She used my toothbrush without asking. That's two spankings. She wore the same outfit twice in one week. That's a spanking and no dessert for a month.

Ron:I'm offering you three options: hunting, fishing, or drinking.

Leslie:I choose yoga.

Ben:I've arranged for everyone to get comprehensive medical screenings. No more embarrassing photos to share.

Male employee:That's great, Ben. Thanks for thinking of us.

Male employee:Hey everyone, check out these X-rays of my spleen!

Tom:I've been reading about Richard Branson. That guy's a total inspiration. He started Virgin Records in his parents' basement.

April:I was born in my parents' basement.

Tom:What?

April:My parents didn't believe in hospitals. They thought they were a conspiracy by the government to make us dependent on the state. So my mom just squatted over a bucket for six hours while my dad read to her from a pamphlet about natural childbirth that he printed off the internet on our dial-up connection.

Andy:I don't want to work for a logo company.

Tom:Yeah, well, that's exactly what we might become.

Leslie:I've prepared for every possible wilderness survival scenario. Hypothermia, bear attacks, flash floods, getting lost for days without food or water.

Ron:That's... actually impressive.

Leslie:Thank you! I have freeze-dried meals, a water purification system, emergency flares, a first aid kit, and seventeen different s'mores recipes.

Ron:...Did you say seventeen s'mores recipes?

Leslie:For any campfire dessert emergency. Classic, chocolate chip, peppermint bark, salted caramel—

Ron:You're prepared for dessert emergencies.

Leslie:You never know when you'll need s'mores.

Leslie:When I was eight, I fell off a horse and broke my arm in two places. My parents took me to the emergency room, and on the way home, we stopped for ice cream. My dad said, 'Well, Leslie, you've learned an important lesson today.' I said, 'What's that, Dad?' He said, 'Never break your arm in just one place.'

Leslie:Ron, why do you only have nine toes?

Ron:I don't want to talk about it.

Leslie:Come on, tell me what happened.

Ron:A man is entitled to his mysteries.

Leslie:I'm sorry, that was insensitive. I apologize.

Andy:You know, I've had a lot of jobs in my life. I've been a shoe shiner, a shoe repair guy, a shoe... loser. But you know what? Every single one of those jobs was an incredible adventure. I mean, who else can say they've spent eight hours organizing alphabetically by heel height? That's not work, that's a calling.

April:I'll help you find a new career. You could be a shoe-shinist.

Andy:A what?

April:A shoe-shinist. Someone who shines shoes.

Andy:I think it's 'shoe shiner.'

April:No, shoe-shinist. It sounds more professional.

Andy:April, I really want to kiss you right now.

April:Then why don't you?

Andy:Because I'm at work and I have a customer.

Andy:Hey buddy, I'm gonna have to redo all of this work. Sorry about that.

Leslie:Ron, I'm running for City Council!

Ron:You need to sign an anti-tax pledge. Immediately.

Andy:I'll do it for free!

Leslie:What? No, Andy, you need to be paid.

Andy:Are you kidding? I get to work with you? I would pay you.

Ron:Tammy One will find me. She's like a hunting dog, except instead of tracking birds, she tracks men who are trying to escape her.

Ann:The doctor said I'm perfectly healthy, but he was distracted during the exam because he kept staring at my... well, he didn't finish the full examination. But that's fine, I'm sure everything is fine.

Ann:Although, come to think of it, he did say he'd call me back because he forgot to check... actually, you know what, I bet he just wanted an excuse to call me.

Leslie:Ben, I have to break up with you. And I'm going to be really mean about it to make it easier.

Leslie:You're... you're stupid!

Ben:Leslie...

Leslie:No, wait. You smell like a... like a foot.

Leslie:A dirty foot.

Ben:That's not even—

Leslie:And your face looks like... like a regular face. But bad.

Leslie:And I hope you step on a Lego. A really sharp one.

Ben:I knew something was off when you said you were at the dentist, but your teeth looked exactly the same.

Leslie:Well, I have naturally white teeth.

Ben:Leslie, you also said the dentist gave you a lollipop, but you had lipstick on your teeth.

Leslie:It was a red lollipop!

Ben:I realized these weren't Leslie's normal sleep speeches. Her normal ones are about zoning regulations and park maintenance. These were actual campaign speeches with policy positions and everything.

Ben:So I knew something was up. Leslie was awake. She was actually running for office.

Tammy One:I'm here to help you, Ron.

Ron Swanson:Help me with what?

Tammy One:Well, back when we were married, I tried to kill you. Twice. But I'm over that now.

Tammy One:Your posture is atrocious. You sit like a question mark.

Leslie:Thank you so much for that feedback, Tammy.

April:Your posture is fine. You sit like an exclamation point!