Gryzzlbox

Leslie:This is it. This is the end. We've lost everything. The parks department is finished. I've failed as a director, I've failed as a leader, and I've failed as a human being. We might as well just shut down the whole city and move to a deserted island because civilization is over.

Ben:Or we could just try again tomorrow.

Leslie:Okay, here's what we're going to do. We're going to make a website. And on that website, we're going to list all the reasons why this corporation is bad. Then we're going to email it to everyone we know. And if that doesn't work, we'll make a second website.

Robotic Voice:Open the door.

Leslie:What?

Ben:Did that... did that just talk to us?

Leslie:I don't know. Should we open it?

Ben:No! Why would we open a door that's telling us to open it?

Leslie:Oh my God! Is this it? Is this how it starts? The robot apocalypse? I knew it!

Leslie:I may have made fun of Ben's novel about robots taking over the world. But in my defense, at the time, it seemed ridiculous.

Leslie:Well, I guess that's it then. Gryzzl wins. They have drones. We don't have drones. Drones are the future. I accept this outcome.

Tom:This is a seared foie gras terrine with a blackberry gastrique, micro greens, and a quenelle of burrata cheese, all served on a bed of—

Jerry:Done.

Tom:—edible flowers.

Tom:I'm trying new dishes because I want to impress people. You know, show off my culinary skills.

Tom:Plus, between you and me, I get jealous when other guys cook for their girlfriends. Like, that should be my thing, you know? I should be the one making her food, making her happy...

Tom:Look, I just don't want some other dude up in there with his spatula, okay?

Andy:I just goof around all day. I don't actually do anything.

Tom:You coordinate between multiple city departments, you've streamlined our permitting process, you've managed multi-million dollar budgets, and you've successfully lobbied the city council for three major initiatives.

Andy:Yeah, but like, goofing around though.

Andy:I'm the host, I'm the producer, I'm the director, I'm the camera operator, I'm the boom mic guy, I'm the lighting designer, I'm the editor, I'm the guy who gets the coffee... $100 a week seems fair.

Tom:I'm not going to think about Lucy's boyfriend. I'm just going to move on with my life.

Tom:But I wonder what Conrad's doing right now. Is he thinking about Lucy? Does he call her 'Luce' or 'Lucy'? I bet he calls her 'Luce.' That's so intimate. Do they have a song? They probably have a song.

Tom:You know what? I'm gonna start working out. I'm gonna get huge muscles, just like Conrad.

Tom:Ow! Ow! Ow! My back! My back! Somebody call a doctor! Wahhh!

Donna:We call each other 'Snuggle Bug' and 'Cuddle Monster.' It's very cute.

Joe:That's adorable.

Donna:Yeah, it is. And then he beats me.

Leslie:Oh my god, they sent me 'Joe Biden: A Life of Valor and Tremendous Accomplishments.' This is perfect!

Leslie:I'm starting a new initiative called 'Parks and Rec-reation,' where we combine municipal government with top 40 hits. Every pothole we fill gets a Beyoncé song.

Donna:You want to take this outside?

Leslie:Outside? Why would we go outside? It's cold, and there's bugs. Plus, I have a really great idea for a fall festival that I want to tell you about right now.

April:My therapist says I should list positive things about myself. So here goes: I'm punctual, I have nice handwriting, I've never been to jail, I don't have any diseases that I know of, I'm a good listener, I'm a loyal friend, I have a good sense of humor, and I smell nice.

April:I'm going to say something positive about myself. I'm April Ludgate, and I'm a talented, intelligent, and valuable member of society.

Therapist:That's wonderful, April. How does that make you feel?

April:Like I'm lying to myself. But in a healthy way.

April:I've been thinking about my time as an intern. It was like being cursed by a horror movie artifact. Every day I thought it would kill me, but it just made me stronger and more bitter.

April:I've decided to take the interns under my wing. I'm going to be a mentor figure, guide them, help them grow.

April:BOO! Get out of here! This is my office now!

Citizen:I can't believe you people are invading my privacy like this. It's outrageous!

Citizen:My husband has been suffering from a severe case of hemorrhoids for three weeks now. The bleeding is just uncontrollable, and the itching is so intense he can barely sit down. His doctor says it might require surgery.

Citizen:I collect pigs that look like famous movie stars. My prize pig looks just like Samuel L. Jackson.

Citizen:I call him Samuel L. Pigson.

Citizen:I can't believe you people are invading my privacy like this. This is a violation of my constitutional rights.

Citizen:But I have to say, this gift basket is amazing. These are my favorite cookies.

Young citizen:I'm really concerned about my privacy online. I don't want people knowing my personal information.

Young citizen:Like, I'd be mortified if my friends found out I read literature.

Leslie:Look, it's not that hard. You just need to show the pig some affection and—

Pig collector:Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's my pig!

Leslie:I'm just demonstrating—

Pig collector:Nobody touches Mr. Truffles but me!

Ben:Here's me at age five with my first dog. Here's me at seven with a scraped knee. Here's me at nine covered in mud. Here's me at eleven with a rash that the dermatologist said was 'concerning.' Here's me at thirteen with what I'm pretty sure was a minor infection. Here's me at fifteen covered in what I can only describe as a biological hazard.

Ron:Why would you show me a photo of your child? That's a security risk. Now I know what they look like. If they ever go missing, I could identify them immediately.

Ron:You've essentially given me a dossier. I could find them anywhere.

Ron:Those Gryzzl lawyers are relentless. They've got me in a corner.

Ron:I guess you could say... they're really 'slaying' me right now. No cap, fam. That's what the kids say, right?

Leslie:Okay, so my name is Brenda Withers, I'm a dental hygienist from Muncie, Indiana. I have two cats named Mr. Whiskers and Princess Fluffington. I'm divorced, but it was amicable. My ex-husband Brad and I still text on birthdays. He's remarried now to a woman named Tiffany, and honestly, I'm happy for them. They have a golden retriever named Biscuit.

Ben:Leslie, why would any of that matter for going undercover?

Leslie:Because details make it real, Ben. People trust specificity.

April:I hate it. Parks are just where people go to die.

April:Parks and Recreation is the most important field of study. It shapes communities, creates opportunities for public engagement, and fundamentally transforms how we experience our shared spaces.

April:It's literally the only reason I'm here.

April:What are your parents like?

Jen:Oh, my mom's a devil and my dad's an idiot.

April:Jen has no skills, no experience, and no discernible future. It's actually kind of appealing.

Tom:Being an agent is so easy. You just take a percentage of everything your clients make, and you don't have to do any work.

Tom:Wait... that's my business model.

Tom:Okay, so you know that famous line from Casablanca? 'Here's looking at you, kid.'

Andy:Oh yeah, that's the one where Rick says it to Ilsa at the end, right? Actually, did you know that Humphrey Bogart was only 25 years older than Ingrid Bergman? And the studio was worried about their age difference!

Tom:...I was just trying to quote the movie.

Andy:Also, Bogart's character was originally supposed to die in the scene, but they changed it because test audiences wanted a happier ending!

Station Manager:I discovered a celebrity! It's Ben Wyatt!

Andy:Wait, really? THE Ben Wyatt?

Station Manager:Well, no. It's a different Ben Wyatt. He works at a shoe store.

Hank Muntak · Tom Haverford:Station manager name-drops people he's 'made': 'Pep Wiley, Chuck Warschank, Selena Gomez — I made them.' Tom: 'You discovered Selena Gomez?' Manager: 'Different Selena Gomez.'

April:I'm adopting you. I've already filled out the paperwork.

Jen:Really?

April:No, but I'm going to.

April:If you don't want to do the internship, you could always become a professional snake charmer or learn to forge medieval weapons.

Gryzzl employee:We track everything. Your location, your purchases, your search history, your conversations.

Leslie:Wait, wait, wait. You're just... casually mentioning this?

Gryzzl employee:Of course. It's in the terms and conditions.

Leslie:Nobody reads those!

Gryzzl employee:We know.

Roscoe:We collect data on everything - shopping habits, browsing history, pharmaceutical purchases...

Roscoe:You know, tampons, pads, that sort of thing.

Roscoe:It's just... data.

Roscoe:Gryzzl isn't scary. They're just a company that wants to help people.

Roscoe:Sure, they monitor every purchase you make, track your location 24/7, predict your behavior before you know what you're going to do, and have access to all your personal data. But that's not scary, that's just business.

Leslie:We should do a debate on television.

Roscoe:Television? That's adorable. You still think people watch television.

Perd Hapley:I'm Perd Hapley, and I have some news. On today's show, we'll be talking to the guests we've booked to be on the show.

Ron:You missed the contract change on page forty-seven.

Leslie:I was up until 3 AM watching the original trilogy again.

Ron:I heard you sleep-talking last night. You kept saying 'Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.'

Leslie:That's... that's actually beautiful.

Ron:It was disturbing.

Ron:I don't understand the appeal. A bunch of wizards waving sticks around in space?

Ron:That's not a story, that's a weapon malfunction.

Jerry:Andy, I need you to create a new character for the show.

Andy:Okay, how about... Master Dragon?

Jerry:That's too specific. Something more generic.

Andy:Alright... Sensei Strike?

Jerry:Still too creative.

Andy:Okay, uh... Karate Guy?

Jerry:You're getting there.

Andy:How about just... Punch?

Jerry:Perfect.

Ron Swanson:I've accomplished many things in my life. I've built a canoe from scratch. I've fished for sturgeon. I've negotiated with drug lords.

Ron Swanson:And I once sat in a car for three days straight without moving or speaking to anyone.

Ron:I don't believe in contracts. They're a sign of distrust between people.

Ron:If I ever had to sign a contract, I'd use a fake name. Something like... Turnip Slamdunk.

April:I owe all my success and personal growth to this internship. It completely ruined my life.

April:Okay, fine. I'm going to use my therapy technique. Three positive things: One, I have a job. Two, I have friends. Three, I'm not dead.

Leslie:You can't keep introducing yourself as Judge Perd Hapley.

Perd:But I was a judge for one day.

Leslie:You were a traffic court judge for four hours.

Perd:Judge Perd Hapley.

Perd:I have to be honest with you, I have no idea what's going on here. I don't understand the case, I don't understand the evidence, and frankly, I'm not even sure what this judge hammer does.

Perd:As a journalist, I must say that this is a clear violation of... uh... the legal thing. The statute. The... *makes gavel sound* ...and that's the law.

Andy:I got the job! I'm gonna be making minimum wage!

Andy:That's like, what, a thousand dollars a year? I'm rich!

Tom:You know what your problem is, Andy? You don't believe in yourself enough.

Andy:Really? I think I believe in myself a lot.

Tom:No, you don't. You need to wake up every morning, look yourself in the mirror, and say 'I am going to have an amazing day.'

Andy:Wow. That's... that's actually really good advice, Tom.

Tom:I know.

Andy:Where do you come up with this stuff?

Tom:Fortune cookies.

April:I've systematized my therapy technique by alphabet. A is for avoidance, B is for bottling things up, C is for compartmentalization, D is for denial, E is for excessive sarcasm...

Lucy:Oh my god, did you see what happened with those celebrities?

Tom:Which ones? Because I have VERY strong opinions about the situation with that one actor's third cousin's feuds with reality TV stars from 2009.

Ron:I may have destroyed a delivery drone with my bare hands.

Ron:I've been thinking about Gryzzl, and I realize they have tentacles in every aspect of our lives. They know where we live, where we work, where we shop, what we like, what we don't like. They know everything about us.

Ron:So I've decided to take them on. I'm going to fight Gryzzl with everything I have.

Ron:First, I'm going to need some supplies. Do you have any orders for me?

Roscoe:Roscoe: 'Whoa! That's a serious allegaysh, homie.' Ben has just made a serious civic argument.

Perd Hapley:Perd concludes: 'To be honest, Judge Perd is stumped by this case... I've also misplaced my judge hammer... Therefore, I must declare a mistrial, which is a term I've heard people use in the movies. Tap, tap, tap. Case ended.'

Perd Hapley:Perd: 'Therefore, I must declare a mistrial, which is a term I've heard people use in the movies. Tap, tap, tap. Case ended.'

Andy Dwyer:Andy announces he found a job as a janitor at the TV station paying minimum wage: 'Get this — they're gonna pay me the minimum wage.' Said with complete satisfaction.

Tom Haverford:Tom explains how he got Andy the rights to Johnny Karate: by crying to the station manager about Lucy, Conrad, and Lucy's free dinners.

April Ludgate:April has replaced Jen with a whole group of new interns, found by doing what Leslie does — handing out flyers, canvassing, baking cookies. 'It was weird, I actually enjoyed finding them.'

Andy Dwyer:Andy's confessional: 'That's actually really good advice for anything. If there's something that you want badly, you just have to believe that it's gonna work out.'

April Ludgate:April adds: 'And I enjoyed bullying Jen into quitting.'

April Ludgate · Ben Wyatt:Ben suggests April should add 'telling people what to do' to her perfect job description. April's response: 'Good idea. You should up your therapy to seven times a week, stop dressing that way, and give me your wallet.'

Ben Wyatt:Ben's third therapy coping list: 'Victor Garber, James Garner, Jennifer Garner.' Then: 'I go alphabetical now.'

Tom Haverford:Tom reports to Lucy that while she was gone, he 'closed a bunch of deals, did a bunch of crunches.' He says this casually, as if these are equivalent.

Tom Haverford · Lucy:Lucy breaks up with Conrad (off-screen). Then: she wants to talk about 'that shade Nicki Minaj threw at Jesse Eisenberg at the BAFTA awards.' Tom: 'He deserved it.' Lucy: 'No, he didn't!' Tom: 'Uh, settle in, because I have some very strong feelings about this.'

Ron Swanson:Ron arrives at Leslie's house, having shot a Gryzzl drone out of the sky after it delivered a package addressed to his four-year-old son.

Ron Swanson:Ron arrives with a destroyed drone: 'This is a flying robot I just shot out of the sky after it delivered a package to my house.'

Ron Swanson:Ron: 'No one is safe from these bastards. Tell me what to do, Leslie. I wanna help you take them down.'