Jen Ivinicii

Expectations are crazy low. If he puts two sentences together without crying, the press is going to say he's doing surprisingly well, and if he falls to pieces, he's going to look sympathetic. It's a win-win.

Does that guy Chris Traeger have a girlfriend, and is his penis normal?

'Cause I'm smarter and faster. That is not a judgment. That's just a fact.

But you're the opposition campaign manager. I--I couldn't do that to Leslie. Oh, for God's sake, Chris. This campaign is over. My job is done and so is yours. It's just sex. I'm very good at it.

Nathaniel is related to Donald Rumsfeld. Brittany's dad is Ben Bernanke's dentist.

Well, that was my first high profile case. It was a classic Florida divorce. Guy cheats on his wife with Dan Marino's masseuse, one day she cuts his junk off, throws it in the Everglades. / Why not? / Damn alligator ate it.

Do you really wanna spend any of that time talking about my mother and her 19-year-old Korean husband?

Those terrible people have paid me so much money, I have a condo in every virgin island.

Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and then confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for kicks.

I don't care enough about you to lie.

If you say one more word, you will legally owe me $1,200, and I will sue you. Let's not end it like that.

Well, my mom's the devil and my dad's a dumb doctor.

What did you want to be when you were little? A scary mermaid that lures sailors to their death.

What's that horrible sound? - Children. - Ugh, your life is gross.

You guys live in Pawnee, Indiana. Where do you have to go? Putting up a new scarecrow?

We're talking about the House of Representatives, Ben. You might be overqualified.

I'm just gonna go spend my time doing exactly what I want to do, because I don't have children.

Oh, because every surface area in your house is sticky. Last time I was here, I found a melted crayon on my blazer.

I was talking to Leslie. Me, Leslie? Yeah.

If you were just a ding-dong, I would just slap a flag pin on you, and pour some Valium down your throat. Everything would be fine. It's the smarties that freak people out.

You know, why don't you think of it like sex freshman year of college? You just want to get through it as fast as possible without embarrassing yourself.

I'm using that as an analogy to help you out because I'm assuming you were a late bloomer. Not me. I crushed it from day one.

Stephen, be careful! Poncho!

Because June Hartwell is a lukewarm bowl of nothing. She started an awareness campaign called 'Bring a Sweater.' She calls it 'goose bump prevention.'

It's like taking a shot of tequila. You just gotta force it down, suddenly the world feels so much more pleasant. I do three shots every time I have to enter this house.

It's like taking a shot of tequila. You just gotta force it down, suddenly the world feels so much more pleasant.

It's like taking a shot of tequila. You just gotta force it down, suddenly the world feels so much more pleasant. I do three shots every time I have to enter this house.