Leslie And Ron

Unknown lockdown organizer:You could always chew your arm off like a trapped animal.

Ben Wyatt:We need to find that Game of Thrones finale before anyone spoils it!

April Ludgate:I heard Captain Jack Sparrow takes the Iron Throne and declares himself King of the Seven Seas.

Ben Wyatt:What? That's not how Game of Thrones ends.

April Ludgate:Then Daenerys marries Will Turner and they sail off to find the Fountain of Youth.

Ben:Look, in the books, it's all explained. The showrunners just didn't have time to develop that storyline properly.

Leslie:Terry, we really need your help on this.

Ron:For once, I agree with her.

Terry:I don't know, you two are always fighting.

Leslie:Ron's right, Terry. Just this once, can't you—

Ron:Why are you making this so difficult?

Leslie:Yeah, Terry!

Ron:This is ridiculous.

Leslie:You're going to hurt yourself.

Ron:I would prefer that to having a conversation about my feelings.

Leslie:We'll say we broke up because I cared too much. I was too invested in the relationship, too passionate, too committed to making it work.

Ben:That's not a flaw, Leslie.

Leslie:I know. That's why it's perfect.

Leslie:Ron would never admit it, but deep down, I think he actually respects me.

Ron:You're a butthead.

Ron:Why do I have to be the problem?

Leslie:Because you're being reasonable, Ron. That's like a science fiction scenario.

Ron:I will not be blamed for this.

Leslie:No, no, Ron. This is on me. I take full responsibility. I'm the one who made the decision, and I'm the one who has to live with the consequences. But you know what? That's what leadership is. It's about standing up and saying 'I did this,' even when it's hard. Even when everyone's going to hate you for it. I'm just glad I have the strength and the moral clarity to do what needs to be done, unlike some people who only think about themselves.

Ron:I respect that.

Leslie:Ron, what are you doing?

Ron:I'm destroying this phone. It's the only way to be sure.

Leslie:Ron, no! That's our only—

Ron:I don't care.

Leslie:Ron, you just locked yourself out of your own office.

Ron:I'm aware.

Leslie:With the keys still inside.

Ron:Yes, Leslie, I can see them from here.

Leslie:So what's your plan?

Ron:I didn't think that far ahead.

Ron:I've never learned anyone's name. I'm not interested.

Leslie:But Ron, you literally just called me by my name.

Ron:No I didn't, Brenda.

Ron:I accept your wager. However, I must insist upon the following terms and conditions: First, all dialogue must be conducted in English, or possibly Latin. Second, any and all utterances I make shall be notarized and filed with the Pawnee Parks Department. Third, should I emerge victorious, you must publicly acknowledge my superiority in matters of discourse. Fourth, I reserve the right to communicate exclusively through interpretive dance should I deem it necessary. Fifth, this agreement is binding in perpetuity and across all known dimensions. Sixth, no talking about feelings. Seventh, that's it. Those are my terms.

Leslie:Ron, come on, talk to me. Ron? Ron, please? RON? Ron! Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron! Ron? RON! Ron Ron Ron! R-Ron? Ron... Ron. Ron?

Leslie:Ron, you love plastic. You're basically a petrochemical lobbyist.

Ron:I love wood. I have spent thousands of hours perfecting my craft.

Leslie:Wood is just plastic that hasn't been processed yet.

Ron:That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

Leslie:My memory is a steel trap of friendship nuggets.

Leslie:I think wood is stupid, and so does everybody else. You guys, Ron loves plastic.

Leslie:🎵 Don't stop... believing... hold on to that feeeeeling... 🎵

Leslie:🎵 Streetlight... people... living just to find emotion... 🎵

Leslie:🎵 And Ben is really tall and he's so smart and handsome... 🎵

Leslie:🎵 I love waffles more than breakfast foods... I really do... 🎵

Leslie:🎵 You're gonna die alone, in a corner, no one will find you for weeks... Your skin will slough off and bugs will eat your face... 🎵

Leslie:🎵 Diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea, your butt is made of poop! 🎵

Leslie:🎵 Poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, I'm a toilet, flush me down, chocolate soft serve ice cream swirl! 🎵

Ron:You have five minutes.

Leslie:Five minutes? Ron, I need at least ten to explain my vision for the new community garden initiative.

Ron:Four minutes fifty seconds.

Leslie:We've been best friends for ten years!

Ron:I've worked in the same office as you for ten years. Our relationship is professional, cordial, and limited to work-related interactions and the occasional public event.

Leslie:I'm going to save our friendship. I have a weapon.

Leslie:A binder. A friendship binder. With sections for memories, inside jokes, and a timeline of our relationship.

Ron:I said what I said.

Leslie:April's party theme is 'Steampunk Victorian Ghost Hunters in Space.' She combined four completely unrelated aesthetic movements into one party.

Leslie:The Rexford Thistlebottom Estate

Leslie:Ron, I've been working on this timeline for weeks. Look at all the detail.

Ron:Impressive. Very thorough.

Leslie:Right? So what do you think about phase three?

Ron:It's perfect. Well, I'd better get going.

Leslie:Going? We just started. Ron, where are you—

Ron:I made a key to the back door months ago.

Ron:Those aren't violations, Leslie. They're features. The rat droppings add an earthy flavor to the flour. The mold on the walls is natural penicillin. And the fact that we haven't updated our inventory system since 1987 means we're honoring history.

Leslie:It's not 'JJ's Diner,' Ron. It's 'J.J.'s Diner.' With periods.

Ron:I know.

Leslie:You kept calling it 'JJ's Diner' this whole time.

Ron:I was aware. It wasn't the reason I didn't go there.

Ron:I have a land mine in my office. For decoration.

Ron:I have a constitutional right to blow up this door.

Leslie:Actually, the First Amendment protects free speech, not the right to blow things up.

Ron:Well, I'm exercising my right to free speech by saying I'm going to blow up this door.

Leslie:That's... that's not how that works.

Ron:It's actually a party favor that plays 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow'

Ron:I'm disappointed. I thought it was a real mine.

Leslie:Ron, it's a fake mine. We built it this morning out of cardboard and creativity.

Ron:Well, I was very impressed.

Leslie:Ron, you thought a cardboard mine was real?

Leslie:Welcome to the Ramsett Park Mine. I'm Leslie Knope, and I'm here to tell you about the rich history of mining in Pawnee. Did you know that miners used to work in the dark? That's why they were called... coal miners. Get it? Coal? Dark? I crack myself up.

Leslie:Are you mad at me because of the party supplies?

Ron:I'm not mad at you, Leslie. I'm mad at the mine.

Leslie:But you seem really upset.

Ron:That's just my face.

Leslie:Ron, Ron! Look at this. This is it. This is the smoking gun. This document proves everything.

Ron:What is that?

Leslie:It's a memo from the city manager's office about the zoning variance. It's absolutely crucial.

Ron:Leslie, that's a hazardous waste disposal form. You're holding it like it's going to give you radiation poisoning.

Leslie:What? No, it's—

Ron:Please step away from me.

Leslie:Ron wrote: 'Leslie Knope is a communist.'

Leslie:Well, I'm not a communist. I'm a capitalist. But if Ron thinks I'm a communist, that's basically a compliment coming from him.

Leslie:Ron predicts mutual murder while considering hiring

Ron:Despite everything, I recommended hiring her.

Janitor:Don't be cruel, to a heart that's true. I ain't too proud to beg, sweet darling, please...

Leslie:Jerry! Jerry, wait! I will do anything you want. I will eat cubed cheese instead of sliced. I will watch network television. I will go to an Applebee's.

Jerry:Why would you say that?

Ron:Leslie called me a heartless thug.

Leslie:You are a heartless thug, Ron.

Ron:It was actually just about the brownies

Leslie:Maybe Ron finally snapped because he found out he has some French ancestry and couldn't handle the idea of being even one percent French.

Ron:I'm not sure why I pulled the fire alarm. I was just trying to get everyone's attention.

Leslie:Ron, you're soaking wet and wearing... are those yoga pants?

Ron:I was at hot yoga. It's the worst hour of my life.

Ron:I'm not sure what I'm doing here. I don't believe in yoga. It's a lot of standing around pretending to be a tree. But I'll admit, I do feel... calm.

Leslie:Ron, stop complaining about your appearance. You've survived worse. You got trapped in that pit for three days. You were attacked by a swarm of bees. You accidentally drank paint thinner. A little wrinkle is nothing.

Ron:Those were character-building experiences.

Leslie:Exactly. So this wrinkle is just adding to your character.

Leslie:Terry is the best at being completely mindless.

Ron:I agree.

Ron:I wanted to meet with you because I'm considering a job offer in the federal government.

Ron:It makes me want to vomit.

Ron Swanson:I have devoted my life to destroying government from within. It's the most rewarding work I've ever done.

Ron:I have to say, I'm gonna take great pleasure in the systematic destruction of the government.

Leslie:That's beautiful.

April:I moved our meetings to Thursday because I'm drunk on Wednesdays and hungover on Fridays.

Ben:That's... that's not how that works.

April:Well, I'm also drunk on Thursdays, so I don't remember the meetings anyway.

Ron:I made you a frame. From Ann's door.

Leslie:You made me a frame from Ann's door?

Ron:She didn't need it anymore.

Leslie:Ron, this is so sweet. You're being... sentimental.

Leslie:You're being downright tender.

Leslie:You're practically maudlin right now.

Leslie:Ron Swanson, you're being positively lachrymose!

Ron:Why is breakfast food reserved only for breakfast?

Leslie:Because it's the most important meal of the day, Ron. You eat it, you move on with your life.

Ron:Yeah, I was being really optimistic. [Leslie reads: 'I promise I would never raise my voice at you if we worked together.']

Ron:That was the real reason I hired you. Those brownies were damn good.

Ron:Okay, playtime is over. I'm getting out of here once and for all.

Leslie:Two years ago, you found out you were 1/4 French, and you had a nervous breakdown.

Leslie:Apparently, Craig is studying yoga. These are the only dry clothes I could find.

Leslie · Ron:Well, you look great. / I feel extremely angry.

Leslie:Oh, come on. Stop whining, you big baby. I've seen you with your eyebrows blown off. I've seen you without a mustache. I've seen it all.

Leslie:to these 'workplace proximity associates'?

Ron:I didn't want her to go, as she had become one of my closest workplace acquaintances.

Ron:Just didn't recognize anyone. So I made a decision. An unthinkable decision.

Ron:I was gonna ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just saying it out loud feels dirty.

Ben · Ron · Leslie:[Morning: Ron playing saxophone, Leslie singing badly, office covered in beer bottles and balloon debris; Ben walks in] 'Well, this is different from what I expected to find.'

Leslie · Ron · Ben:[Leslie and Ron, having apparently reconciled, are discovered the next morning — Ron playing saxophone, Leslie singing wrong Billy Joel lyrics, both drunk/hungover at 2 PM]

Ben · Craig:Morning, guys. / What did you do to the office? Ron, you're wearing my yoga clothes. You're gonna stretch out the elastic.

Ben:I moved our meetings to tomorrow because you are drunk and hungover simultaneously at 2:00 in the afternoon.

Leslie · Ron:Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron. / We just spent 12 hours together, woman.

Leslie:I have three years' worth of hugs to force upon you against your will.

Leslie · Ron:You do realize I gave you this picture six hours ago. / The frame is the gift.

Leslie · Ron:Ron. You big, fat, giant sap. / That seems unnecessary.

Leslie:But I feel bad. I don't have anything for you. I — For the first time in my life, I am present-less.

Ron · Leslie:Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food? / People are idiots, Ron.