William Henry Harrison

Reasonableist:I have religious evidence for land preservation. My faith teaches that we must protect the natural world because it was created by the Lizard God who lives inside Jupiter's Sphincter.

Leslie:I... what?

Reasonableist:The Lizard God demands it. All hail the Sphincter.

Reasonableist:Simple, matter-of-fact cult salute

Leslie:We need to find something—anything—to stop this development. We could be grasping at straws here, but at this point I'm willing to literally grasp at straws if it means saving this land.

Ben Wyatt:We need to protect our environment and reduce our carbon footprint. Even small changes add up over time.

April Ludgate:Yeah, like the ant population has decreased by 0.003% over the last forty years.

Ben Wyatt:That's... that's not really the point.

Tom Haverford:Extinction projected 200,000 years in future

Ron Swanson:We have a crisis on our hands.

Leslie Knope:What? What is it?

Ron Swanson:The parks department is out of breakfast cereal.

Leslie Knope:...Ron, that's not a crisis.

Ron Swanson:It is to me.

Ben Wyatt:I've been thinking about an innovative amusement park concept. Picture this: a magical place where families can go and experience wonder and joy together.

Leslie Knope:Ben, that sounds amazing! Have you already—

Ben Wyatt:I call it Disneyland.

Leslie Knope:Ben, Disney—Walt Disney created Disneyland in 1955.

Ben Wyatt:Oh. Well, I invented it first. In my head. Just now.

Matter-of-fact admission of breaking and entering

Roscoe:I'd like to introduce our new Vice President of Stratgic Initiatives.

Ben:Alright team, let's have a brainstorm session about this new initiative.

Tech Bro:Actually, I prefer to call it a brain tornado. It's more disruptive.

Leslie:A brain tornado?

Tech Bro:Yeah, it's like a brainstorm, but it destroys everything in its path and nobody knows why it happened.

Ben Wyatt:We need to leverage some celebrity endorsements to really synergize our brand activation and create maximum engagement metrics.

Leslie Knope:Yes! We should get someone super relatable and on-brand. Someone who really understands the core values of what we're trying to do.

Tom Haverford:Yo, yo, yo. That's what I'm talking about. We gotta get a celebrity that's got that street cred, you know what I'm saying? Someone who can really connect with the youth demographic and create that viral moment.

Jerry Gergich:Maybe we could approach someone like...

Tom Haverford:Jerry, nobody cares what you think.

Tom:I don't need flash. I prefer quality. Like, I would rather have one nice thing than ten cheap things.

Tom:For example, I would rather have one shoe than ten shoes.

Tom:Elton John has a whole chain of restaurants with Chick-fil-A. It's called Elton's.

Tom Haverford:We need to synergize our paradigms and frack your brainiums to leverage some disruptive innovation in the space.

Ben:Yeah, I understood none of that, but I'm going to nod and back away slowly.

Ron:I don't care about celebrities. My heroes are a obscure furniture maker from the 1800s and a wild elk I saw once.

Ron:That elk, Magnus, has made this personal. When I find him, I'm going to wear his hide as a coat. I'm going to wear his antlers as a hat. I'm going to feed his hooves to the other elk, just to send a message.

Andy:You could be a doctor.

April:No.

Andy:A lawyer?

April:No.

Andy:An engineer?

April:No.

Andy:What do you want to do?

April:Nothing. I want to do nothing and die.

Andy:Okay, so we're playing a word game to find career ideas. I'll give you a category, and you say the first word that comes to mind.

Andy:Okay, first category: things that are bouncy.

April:Trampoline.

Andy:Good! Next: things that are soft.

April:Trampoline.

Andy:Okay, things that fly.

April:Trampoline.

Andy:April, trampolines don't fly.

April:Not with that attitude.

Ben:So you need me to sign some documents?

Leslie:Yes, but first... *leans in seductively* ...you have to sleep with me.

Leslie:Just kidding, I'm not gonna do that. Sign here.

Leslie:I could pick Ron out of a lineup from a mile away. I'd know that stoic face, those piercing eyes, that magnificent mustache anywhere.

Leslie:They could put him in a fake beard, a wig, different clothes, and I'd still spot him immediately.

Leslie:Actually, you know what? They could dye his mustache blonde, give him a facelift, teach him to smile, and I would STILL recognize Ron Swanson.

Leslie:I will never not see Ron in a lineup. That is a fact.

Leslie:Chief, I'd like to request a badge. I'm ready to become an honorary detective.

Chief:Knope, you're not qualified.

Leslie:Not qualified? I've solved crimes in this town that the actual police couldn't solve. Remember when I found out who was stealing from the Parks Department? Me. I also figured out who was leaving anonymous complaints about the swing set. Also me.

Chief:That's not how any of this works.

Leslie:Fine. I'll just take my detective skills elsewhere. Pawnee Police Department's loss. Eagleton's gain.

Craig:I was just gonna tell you guys a personal story, but now that I'm thinking about it, this is really depressing.

Craig:You know what? Life's too short. I'm going to pursue my dreams. I'm going to become a notary public.

Craig:I've already got the stamp picked out.

Ben:How long is this feud going to last?

Leslie:Until you apologize.

Ben:I'm not going to apologize.

Leslie:Then it lasts forever. Those are the rules.

Tom:I'm not that famous. I mean, sure, I've been on some lists, but...

Jerry:Tom, you wrote your own name on the list.

Tom:Well, yeah, but that's different.

Ron:Bloosh magazine? That's the worst thing I've ever heard of. It's a lifestyle magazine for people who have given up on life. All pictures of throw pillows and recipes that use 'unexpected ingredients.' I would rather read a phone book. Actually, I would rather read a phone book out loud at a city council meeting.

Tom Haverford:Bloosh is a legitimate news source. He won a Pulitzer Prize for listicles.

Bill:I wrote a book about President William Henry Harrison.

Ron Swanson:What's it called?

Bill:"William Henry Harrison: A Very Long Time Ago."

April Ludgate:Dude, spoilers! I haven't gotten to that part of history yet.

April:This biography of William Henry Harrison is putting me to sleep. He was president for like a month.

Andy:Hey, don't disrespect President Harrison like that. He was a great man.

April:He died of pneumonia. That's not greatness, that's poor immune system.

Andy:Well, I'm not going to sit here and listen to you trash talk one of America's heroes.

Tom:I have a product idea I'd like you to consider investing in.

Tom:It's called Rent-a-Swag. You rent cool stuff to people who aren't cool.

Tom:The slogan is: 'Swag for the Tragically Uncool.'

Ron:Terry, what is Leslie planning?

Terry:Oh, Leslie's organizing a surprise birthday party for you next Friday at the community center. She's already ordered the cake and everything.

Ron:Thank you, Terry.

Andy:Wow, look at all these bricks. I want to buy these bricks.

Leslie:This is a bag of old hamburgers.

Andy:How old?

Leslie:Wait, Andy, that's just a old soda can.

Andy:Are you kidding? This could be from the 1980s. That's practically ancient.

Leslie:It's from this morning. I threw it away.

Andy:Even better. Fresh artifacts.

Ben:Maybe we just don't mention the missing page.

Craig:No. We have to tell them. It's the right thing to do.

Craig:I'm a notary public. I took an oath. Well, technically I took an oath to uphold the oath that I took when I became a notary public.

Craig:And I took an oath to uphold that oath as well.

Craig:So that's like three oaths. Maybe four.

Andy:Wow, look at this entire room dedicated to what would have happened if William Henry Harrison had worn a coat that day.

Andy:And this room is dedicated to people who had their fifteen minutes of fame and then completely disappeared. We're calling it the Harrison William Henry room, because he was president for like a month and then died.

Andy:We paid $15 to get in and all they had was a broken dinosaur and a painting of a guy that looked like he was dying. For $15, I could've bought a pizza and watched a guy actually die on TV.

Andy:And they're charging fifteen dollars admission? Fifteen dollars! That's an insult. I could go to a real museum for that price. I could go to... well, I could go somewhere better.

Andy:We should get a giant hamster ball and roll around in it!

Ron:This is... nice. Very nice. I appreciate the natural light. And these throw pillows. Excellent throw pillows. Is that a scented candle? Wonderful. Lavender, I presume? Delightful. I could really see myself... absolutely hating every second I spend in here.

Annabel:I was polishing my oyster forks with a cage-free olive oil rub.

Tom:I have no idea what you just said, and I'm not gonna pretend like I do.

Tom Haverford:You want to know what's trending right now? Artisanal ice cubes made from melted snow that fell on a billionaire's estate. Gold-plated phone chargers shaped like tiny gavels. And my personal favorite: luxury air that's been breathed by celebrities and then bottled.

Jerry Gergich:That doesn't make any sense.

Tom Haverford:Exactly. That's why it's trending.

Tom:Beef milk is literally just regular milk described pretentiously

Tom:Beef milk is just milk.

Annabel:No, it's different. It's artisanal. I'm charging $12 a carton.

Tom:For milk?

Annabel:For *artisanal* milk. People will pay anything if you say it's artisanal.

Annabel:People are actually waiting to pay for overpriced milk

April:I love how you're not intimidating, you're not condescending, and you have no idea what you're talking about. It's refreshing.

Bill Burgers:It's an unpaid volunteer position at the museum.

Leslie Knope:Well, you get to work in a museum! That's worth something.

Bill Burgers:The only payment is museum bucks — worthless currency you can only use at the single vending machine in the break room.

April:I have three main interests: government, breakfast foods, and the structural integrity of bridges.

Character:Zach Harrison? I went to camp with this guy. No one would ride in the boat with him because he had terrible BO. Then, he went with Janine, our counselor, and he fell asleep and got a boner.

Craig:Did you know that notaries have been around since ancient Rome? We're basically the backbone of civilization.

Ben:Wow, that's... that's incredible, Craig. I had no idea notaries were so important.

Craig:Right? And get this — we can notarize up to 500 documents per day if we really hustle.

Ben:500 documents. In one day. That is absolutely fascinating.

Andy:Okay, so April likes... um... let's see. She likes being sarcastic. She likes... not smiling. She likes... making me feel bad about myself.

Andy:She likes having no regard for human life or safety. She likes chaos. She likes... planning things with no regard for how they'll actually turn out.

Andy:Wait, I'm just describing myself now.

Andy:So April likes... people and dogs. You know what they have in common? They both have four legs... wait, no. People have two legs. Dogs have four legs. So nothing. April just likes things with legs.

Leslie:If you trace your family tree back far enough, you might be related to George Washington.

Zach:Wait, really? I might be related to George Washington?

Zach:Thank you all for coming. I'm here to announce my candidacy with dignity and grace.

Reporter:Mr. Zach, isn't it true you once got your head stuck in a canoe at Camp Kickapoo?

Zach:That was one time and it was very humid that day.

Leslie:This building is incredibly historically significant. George Washington slept here, Thomas Jefferson drafted the Declaration of Independence in this very room, and—you know what, I'm just making this up as I go.

Leslie:Wait, so you're a direct descendant of William Henry Harrison?

Zach:Yeah, but it's not that big a deal. He was only president for like a month before he died.

Leslie:A month? That's still the presidency!

Zach:I know, but I'm like the great-great-great-grandson. There's a lot of greats between me and any actual accomplishment.

Narrator:And so the ball rolled slowly down the street, much like Leslie's campaign hopes.

Ron:They call themselves 'Somebody's Daughter dancers.' I assume the name refers to the fact that they are, in fact, somebody's daughter.

Annabel:We're leveraging synergistic paradigms with blockchain-adjacent methodologies to maximize our core competencies and disruptive innovation vectors.

Annabel:Our dashboard-centric approach integrates machine learning optimization with artisanal hand-crafted experiences, all while maintaining our commitment to holistic wellness and bespoke concierge services.

Ben:Why are we still signing things? We've signed everything. We've signed documents about signing documents.

Ben:This is purgatory. We're stuck in bureaucratic purgatory, and the only way out is to sign our way through an infinite loop of forms that generate more forms.

Ben:Dante had nine circles of Hell. Parks and Recreation has nine filing cabinets.

Leslie:Ron isn't even a real name. It's a sound you make when you're gargling.

Ron:Leslie, your obsession with organizing binders and color-coding everything is the most tedious waste of human potential I've ever witnessed.

Leslie Knope:This feud between me and Ron is worse than Biggie and Tupac.

Ron Swanson:It's actually worse than the Freeman-Woodley feud.

Leslie Knope:What? I've never heard of that.

Ron Swanson:Exactly. It was that bad.

Ben:Leslie, come on. We need to work together on this.

Leslie:I don't know, Ben. I have principles.

Ben:What if I promise to name our first three children after Supreme Court justices? Thurgood, Ruth, and... Antonin.

Leslie:You had me at Thurgood.

Ben:Okay, you two need to work this out. I'm locking you in here until you do.

Leslie:Ben, what? You can't just—

Ben:I can and I am. You're both acting like children, so I'm treating you like children.

Ron:This is highly inappropriate.

Ben:Is it? Because I'm about to take away your phones and make you share a juice box.