Ron And Jammy

Jeremy:Hey Leslie!

Jeremy:I just farted.

Leslie:Jeremy Jamm is like if a mayonnaise jar came to life and decided to ruin everything good about government.

Leslie:Jeremy and Tammy are dating? Their combined name sounds like a food product. Jemmy. It's a breakfast spread.

Tammy Swanson · Leslie Knope:Hello, Leslie. / Tammy. [long pause / reaction beat] Wow. Jamm and Tammy! 'Jammy.'

Leslie:Wait, when did we start dating?

Leslie:Oh my God. Oh my God, no. No no no no no. That's not... we're not... I mean, I love you, but not like that. You're like a brother to me. A really annoying brother who I'm forced to work with and who keeps making terrible decisions.

Leslie:Oh, Joan, Chateau Marmont is a hotel in Los Angeles. You can't drink a hotel.

Joan:Did you get Buddy Holly to sing?

Leslie:No, he died in a plane crash in 1959.

April:I'm April.

Joan:Nice to meet you, Erin.

April:It's April.

Joan:Yes, dear, April. That's what I said.

April:The dark twist that it was just one car they had to fight over.

Tom:What does culinary mean?

Tom:It means you're really good at lying about how much the meal costs.

Leslie:Well, Ron, that's a very sophisticated economic argument, but you know what? Your face is a sophisticated economic argument.

Joan:Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham.

Leslie Knope:Joan, this is Pawnee. You're the Parks Department secretary. You're having a psychotic break.

Leslie:Jeremy, please don't mention Hitler.

Jeremy:You know who I think is underrated? Hitler.

Ron:His reasoning is pure mustache solidarity

Joan:Follow your passion, do what makes you happy, pursue your dreams with everything you've got.

Joan:Now, let's talk about legalizing murder.

Andy:Dude, I've been looking through your Instagram followers. I found two really cute girls you should ask out.

Tom:Oh yeah? Who?

Andy:Your cousin Madison and your aunt Jennifer.

Tom:Andy, those are my family members.

Andy:I know, but they're really hot.

Andy:So Tom, I was looking at your Instagram and I noticed it's just pictures of your family. Don't you have any friends?

Tom:I have friends.

Andy:On Instagram?

Tom:...No.

Leslie:Ron, you absolute snook! You snookered us out of that vote!

Leslie:You're a snook-faced snook with snookish intentions!

Leslie:This is the snookiest snookery I've ever seen from a snook!

Ron:Knope, 'snook' isn't even a word.

Leslie:Well it is NOW, Ron. You snook that word into existence!

Leslie:Okay, what about a snook where you do it, but backwards? So it's a koons.

Leslie:Or a snook where you're underwater. That's a snorkel.

Leslie:A snook in space would be a... sn-ooooook.

Tammy II:Did it work? Did you vote for me?

Ron Swanson:Yes.

Tammy II:I knew my vagina could get you to do anything.

Tammy II:Did my seduction work? Did I seduce you back into my uterus?

Leslie:Trying to separate Jamm from Tammy is like trying to separate a remora fish from a shark. Except the shark is also named Tammy and she's already eaten your car and your house and your will to live.

Andy:Wow, Chicago! The Big Apple!

Tom:That's New York.

Andy:I know.

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just show up at her workplace unannounced. That's crazy. You need a strategic plan. First, you case the joint. Find out her schedule, her routine, which exits she uses. Then you wait in the bushes outside her office building until she arrives.

Andy:Tom, that's insane.

Tom:Then when she least expects it, you jump out and surprise her. She'll love it. Trust me.

city councilman:I'm with Swanson. It's a stache thing. Stache bros. You wouldn't understand.

Andy:I'm gonna be a professional kazoo player.

Tom:Andy, that's not a real job.

Andy:What do you mean? People play kazoos all the time.

Tom:Yeah, at like, children's birthday parties. Not as a career.

Andy:Well, where do you think kazoos come from? There's gotta be someone playing them professionally somewhere.

April:If the whole government thing doesn't work out, I'm going to become a professional chess player who specializes in underwater basket weaving strategies.

April:I have to quit my job.

April:I'm going to become a professional dead body for medical students to practice on. It's the only job where my natural coldness is actually an asset.

Ben:Do you remember what Joan said?

April:Yeah, she said 'I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.'

Ben:That's not what she said.

April:Well, that's what I'm going with.

Classic funeral home pun

Andy Dwyer:Do you realize what's happening? We've been sitting here searching for your soul mate this whole time and then Lucy just Gryzzl-texts you out of nowhere? It's a sign! And we have to catch it.

Jeremy:She controls what I eat. She has a list of approved foods taped to the inside of the refrigerator. If I try to eat anything that's not on the list, she physically stops me.

Jeremy:Last week I tried to have a yogurt that wasn't on the list. She chased me around the kitchen with a spatula.

Jeremy:She actually follows me to restaurants and checks the ingredients of everything I order with the manager.

Leslie:The existence of such a ridiculous status symbol

Jeremy:She makes me miserable. She belittles me constantly. She won't let me have any friends. She controls my money. She hates everything I love. She's mean to my family. She makes me sleep in the garage.

Jeremy:And yet... this feels right.

Physical manifestation of his stress getting worse

Leslie:Ron, you haven't seen Monsters, Inc.? How is that even possible? It's a Pixar masterpiece! Mike Wazowski? Boo? The door factory? These are cultural touchstones! You can't just live in a cabin and ignore the entire canon of modern animation. What else haven't you seen? Have you seen Toy Story? Finding Nemo? Do you even know who Elmo is? Because I'm starting to think you've been living under a rock, and not even a cool, artisanal rock that you sourced yourself. This is a problem, Ron. A real problem.

Ron Swanson:I have a gold bar.

Jeremy Jamm:Wait, why is it shaped like a bar?

Ron:Tammy is not a woman you can treat like a normal person. She's a war criminal. She should be tried at The Hague.

Ron Swanson:Jeremy, I don't want to hear about your sex life.

Jeremy Jamm:Ron, you're just jealous because Tammy and I have a very active sex life.

Ron Swanson:Active? Jeremy, I've seen more action at a DMV on a Sunday.

Jeremy Jamm:That's not true! Tammy says I'm very...

Ron Swanson:Tammy says a lot of things. None of them are about you.

April:You know what? Every job is just a way to avoid dealing with your actual problems. Mortician, astronaut, professional cuddler—doesn't matter. We're all just running from something.

April:You know what? Every job is just paperwork. Even being a mortician is just paperwork. You're literally just filing dead people.

Leslie:Hi, I'm Tammy. I hate everything about you. Your face makes me want to commit a crime. Also, I'm going to steal your lunch and your dignity.

Jeremy:That's... that's not helping.

Leslie:Oh, you think this is bad? Wait until she makes you sit in silence while she eats an entire rotisserie chicken and stares at you with dead eyes.

Ron:She's been living in my attic for three weeks. She eats the insects that accumulate near the light fixture. She's made a nest out of my old tax documents and she only comes down at night to sharpen her nails on the wooden banister.

Tom:You know what? I'm going to Boston. That's right, I'm going to Boston. Because that's what Chicago is — it's just Boston with worse accent and better food.

Tom:Lucy, I've been wanting to talk to you about something... something special.

Tom:How would you like to come work for me at Entertainment 720?

Ben Wyatt · April Ludgate:Hi. I'm Ben, this is April. And I'm scared of death.

Dan the mortician:You're gonna love it here. People are dying to get in.

Tammy:Jeremy, come on. Remember what we had? I miss you.

Jeremy:Tammy, we're done. It's over.

Tammy:I'll do anything. Anything you want. I'll quit my job, move to your apartment, cook every meal...

Jeremy:That doesn't sound better, that sounds worse.

Tammy:Fine. I'll pay YOU. I'll give you money. Every week. How much do you want?

Jeremy:No, Tammy—

Tammy:A car! I'll buy you a car! A nice one! A BMW!

Jeremy:I don't want your car.

Tammy:Then I'll commit a crime. I'll rob a bank. We'll go to jail together. At least we'd be together.

Jeremy:Please stop talking.

Ron:That's the power of willpower. No device necessary.

Donna:Saturn's Return is a real astrological event that happens every 29.5 years. It affects your life in profound ways.

Donna:When I went through mine, I made some decisions I'm not proud of. Let's just say there's a reason I can never go back to Estonia.

Ben:April is my friend.

April:No, I'm not.

April:I'm not your friend. I don't care about you.

Ben:I know you do.

April:No, I don't. Stop saying that.

Jeremy Jamm · Leslie Knope:Help me, Knope. I used to be so great. Remember? Everybody thought so. / Well...

Andy:Five-second rule! Five-second rule!

Andy:This is still good. This is still good!

Andy Dwyer:And obviously, everyone's in a really great mood now because of the Cubs winning the series.

Andy Dwyer · Lucy:Gryzzl came in, they gave everyone free tablets and Wi-Fi and phones. You can watch Hitch 2 anytime, anywhere! Finally! That's the dream.

Leslie Knope:Dammit, Ron! Engage in the culture once in a while!

Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope:Jeremy. This is a gold bar. / You keep that in your desk?

Ron Swanson · Jeremy Jamm:I will give you this gold bar if you say one unflattering thing about Tammy. / If I do, does Tammy get to keep the gold?

Ron Swanson:When it comes to Tammy, the code is the same as that of the battlefield. First, you leave no man behind. Second, you must protect yourself against chemical warfare. Tammy does not abide by the Geneva Convention.

Ron Swanson:First, this is a chastity belt that I made by hand. It might be a couple sizes too big for you, but you can just pad it.

Ron Swanson · Jeremy Jamm:The first step is to cut out all sex. / That won't be necessary. We haven't done the deed yet. She lets me rub up against her leg sometimes.

Ron Swanson:She knows she has that card left to play, and you best believe she will.

Leslie Knope:Ron is holding Tammy's perfume, Girth.

Jeremy Jamm · Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson:Oh. It smells good. / Again. / Tammy. How many times are we gonna do this? / Until the bottle is empty. Again.

April Ludgate · Dan the mortician:Why is every job just paperwork? / Hey, it's a living.

April Ludgate:I'm just gonna stay at my current job until I get old and die and then end up here, being embalmed by some weirdo who had to go to school for three years just to cut my guts open.

Leslie Knope:'Hey there, horsey. Time to mount up and ride on into Bonertown. What do you say we get stanky in that pet store bathroom, Jamm?'

Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope:'There will be no sex today, Tammy.' / Oh! / 'Instead, why don't you go into the pet store and feed yourself to the snakes. To hell with you woman, goodbye.'

Ron Swanson (as Jamm) · Ron Swanson (as Jamm):"There will be no sex today, Tammy." / "Instead, why don't you go into the pet store and feed yourself to the snakes?" / "To hell with you, woman, goodbye."

Leslie Knope:'Hey ya big hunk of wiener meat. I've got forty hand towels, some energy bars, and a Chinese finger trap. Let's get gross.'

Jeremy Jamm · Ron Swanson:What are you wearing? / It's a crotch blinder of my own design. In this scenario, she will be coming at you pants-less.

Leslie Knope · Tammy Swanson:Okay, the doors are locked, windows secured, there is no way Tammy's getting in here. / 'Jamm! Strip down, you sex maggot!'

Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson:And hold! What was your mistake? / You didn't check the armoire. / Tammy once camped out in my attic for six days awaiting my arrival. She survived on rats and rainwater.

Lucy · Andy Dwyer:One XXL, one kid's XL. / Hey! You remembered my size!

Tom Haverford:I was wondering would you wanna maybe... Come work for me in Pawnee?

Lucy · Tom Haverford:I mean, I'd have to talk to my boyfriend about it first... / Yeah, of course! This is all perfect, and everything's worked out just as I'd hoped.

Lucy · Tom Haverford:I'd have to talk to my boyfriend about it first. / Yeah, of course! This is all perfect, and everything's worked out just as I'd hoped.

Andy Dwyer:Hey, this is why they call it Beantown, huh?

Tammy Swanson · Leslie Knope · Jeremy Jamm:That's 'cause you're my widdle baby! / We drilled you on this, Jamm! Baby talk, what do you do? / I'm not a baby! I'm a big boy!

Jeremy Jamm · Tammy:Tammy, I've given this a lot of thought. We should break up. / What's the matter, little boy? Did the bad people get to you?

Leslie Knope · Jeremy Jamm:We drilled you on this, Jamm! Baby talk, what do you do? / I'm not a baby! I'm a big boy!

Tammy Swanson · Leslie Knope:How's this, Leslie? You leave us alone, and we swing the vote to you. Help you get your park. / No. Nice try. Stay strong, Jeremy.

Tammy Swanson:It's been long enough. What do you say we consummate our relationship tonight?

Jeremy Jamm · Ron Swanson:Ron. I need that crotch blinder! / No, you don't. Just end it.

Tammy Swanson · Jeremy Jamm:Look at my boobs. / No. / Look downstairs. / No. / There's a prize inside for you. / It's over, Tammy.

Leslie Knope:Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along.

Tammy Swanson:Come on, everybody! Who wants to get it on? I'm naked.

Donna Meagle · April Ludgate:Saturn's Return. / What? / Saturn's orbit around the sun takes roughly 29 years, and when it gets back to where it was when you were born, lots of turmoil, self-discovery. When I was your age, I got banned from every riverboat in Germany.

April Ludgate · Terry/Larry/Gary Gergich · Donna Meagle:Oh, you know. Just regionally directing the Midwest whatever of who cares. / Isn't it great? Can you believe that they pay me for this? Because I would do this for free. / Jeez! / I do miss you, Terry.

April Ludgate:Okay, but you can't tell Leslie I might leave. She'll have a heart attack. Promise?

April Ludgate:No, I'm not. I've never cared for you.

April Ludgate:Saturn's Return. [April repeats this to Ron Swanson as explanation for her strange behavior]

Jeremy Jamm:Hey, Brokemons. I just wanted to let you know that I will be abstaining from the vote today. You are my two all-time best friends. And you brought me back from the brink.

Jeremy Jamm:Hey, Brokemons. I just wanted to let you know that I will be abstaining from the vote today. You are my two all-time best friends. And you brought me back from the brink. So, I can't choose sides. Although, if I had to pick one side, it would be Lucy Liu's backside.

Jeremy Jamm:So, I can't choose sides. Although, if I had to pick one side, it would be Lucy Liu's backside.

Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope:I thought it was very big of you to not bend when Tammy promised you the vote. / Well, I thought it was very big of you to help him at all. You didn't have to do that.

Tom Haverford · Andy Dwyer · Lucy:I still don't know what 'claiming allowances' means. I always just put six. / So far, so good. / Dude, you are totally going to jail.

Andy Dwyer:This couldn't have worked out any better. There was a guy eating lunch in here who didn't finish his spaghetti.

Andy Dwyer:Five-second rule! [Andy presumably diving for/eating the abandoned spaghetti]