2017

Leslie:I'm perfectly civil when dealing with my nemesis.

Leslie:Unlike some people, I don't resort to childish name-calling. Unlike you, bird-brain.

Trevor:quote, 'It's time to trade those dumb old trees for a buttload of cash.'

Trevor:You said, 'I would trade every tree in this country for a pile of cash.'

Jessica:Yeah, and I stand by that.

Leslie:Retirement? I don't understand that word. Is that a type of government position? Because if it is, I'm already doing it.

Leslie:I've already planned out my funeral agenda. It's a 47-point presentation with color-coded tabs.

Leslie:Even my tombstone is going to have a five-year strategic plan carved into it.

Leslie:My idea of relaxation is reorganizing my binders by both chronological order AND subject matter.

Ron:Hello, Leslie.

Leslie:Hey, Ron. So, um... how have you been? It's been a while since we've, you know, worked together and stuff.

Leslie:We had that whole thing, remember? Where we were... together? But not in a weird way. Well, it was a little weird.

Leslie:So I'm thinking about getting bangs. What do you think?

Ron:I don't know anything about bangs, and I don't want to learn.

Ron:I'm starting a woodworking company. I'm going to call it Ron Swanson Woodworking.

Craig:This land is absolutely magnificent! The views are spectacular, the air is crisp and clean, and the sky... the sky is so blue!

Ron:Yes, the sky is indeed blue.

Craig:Ron is like a blockchain-enabled, cloud-native, synergistic disruptor who's completely off the grid and doesn't know what email is.

Leslie:Remember when you said you'd never work with me again?

Ron:I said that in 1997. It's now 2009. I clearly changed my mind.

Leslie:But you were so adamant about it.

Ron:People evolve, Leslie. Even me.

Leslie:I have a large, dedicated staff working on this initiative.

Ed:Hi, I'm Ed. Leslie fired me three days ago.

Leslie:Ed, you're fired.

Ed:Oh, okay. Well, hey everyone, want to grab lunch at Subway later?

Leslie:Ed is insane. Like, clinically. We looked into it.

Andy:I counted to ten today. Without using my fingers.

Andy:I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling pretty smart right now.

Andy:The name of my show is 'Andy's Awesome Adventure Time Fun Extravaganza Explosion.'

Andy:Kick me in the crotch again!

April:What? No.

Andy:Come on, just one more time. It felt amazing!

Leslie:This land is worth millions of dollars!

Jessica:I know. I'm very valuable.

Jessica:We're best friends!

Leslie:No, we're not.

Treating money vs. doing good as equally weighted options

Interviewer:How do you spell your name?

Tom:T-O-M. But it's pronounced 'Thomas.' I'm a complex man with a lot of layers, like an onion. Or a parfait.

Tom:I've started three successful businesses. First, there was my entertainment company, then my clothing line, and now... my helicopter salad restaurant.

Tom:You order a salad, and while you're eating it, a helicopter flies over your table and blows all the lettuce around. It's farm-to-table freshness meets aerospace innovation.

Tom:Ben is like a human calculator. Except calculators are useful and people actually like them.

Tom:Can we get that on record?

Ben:I'm really honored to be here. Though I have to say, it's a little triggering given my past failures.

Ben:I'm telling you, it could happen again. I've seen it happen. I've *lived* it. You don't just come back from being pelted with something and act like it's not a constant threat.

April:Andy, we're planning our whole week, like old people! We used to be spontaneous and weird. We used to eat cereal out of Frisbees because we didn't have any bowls.

April:You once drove a car into a lake.

Andy:And I got out alive! That's a win in my book.

April:We're using federal funds to sexualize Thomas Jefferson.

Leslie:I may not have as much money as my opponents, but I have something they don't have: an almost delusional sense of optimism and a complete inability to accept defeat.

Ken:My son gave me this bolo tie.

Ken:He's not a good person.

Leslie Knope:Ken, I need you to donate the land so we can turn it into a park.

Ken:You want me to give you my land so you can make a park out of it? Leslie, that's literally the opposite of what a businessman does.

Leslie:Look, I know things got off to a rocky start, but your son is a really great guy. I mean, sure, he made some questionable decisions, but who hasn't? I once tried to make a quilt out of dog hair. We all have our moments.

Ken:My son is disappointing.

Leslie:Well, yes, but—

Ken:No, I mean, he's a very disappointing person.

Leslie:Okay, but if it helps, I'm sure that's not entirely his fault. Parenting is really hard, and—

Ken:He gets it from his mother.

Andy:I'm gonna do something wild and spontaneous!

April:Oh yeah? What?

Andy:I'm gonna eat this whole pizza without checking the nutritional information first!

April:Wow, living on the edge.

Andy:Wait, hold on. I need to make sure I'm staying within my daily recommended sodium intake and get the macronutrient breakdown. Let me look this up real quick.

April:And there it is.

Leslie:I'm rallying the old team back together. We're going to make a real difference in this town.

Tom:That sounds great, Leslie. I'm in... as long as there's a consulting fee for me.

Leslie:Tom!

Tom:What? I have a family to support. Actually, make it two consulting fees.

Donna:Look, I'm on Ron's side because Shia LaBeouf is designing the wedding dress.

Jerry Gergich:Well, it all started when I was born. My parents named me Garry with two r's, which is apparently very uncommon. Then in the second grade, a teacher started calling me Larry, and it just stuck. So for years, I've been going by Larry. But then I realized, you know, my real name is actually Jerry. So I decided to go back to Jerry. It's my real name.

Jerry Gergich:And you know what? I'm okay with it. Sure, nobody calls me by my real name. Sure, I've been called every name but my own. But that's life, isn't it? You just have to roll with the punches and keep smiling.

Tom:Pawnee's not on the map. Except for this very specific and unflattering statistic.

Tom:This is Ben Wyatt, the man who literally lifted up this entire town with his bare hands and his brilliant mind.

Tom:And that's why I'm naming my new restaurant after him: Sweetums.

Ron:I'm not stealing your team, Leslie. I'm simply allocating resources more efficiently. These shrimp skewers need to be exactly 4.3 inches long for optimal cooking and structural integrity.

Leslie:Ron, that's insane. You're literally measuring shrimp.

Ron:Not measuring. Optimizing. There's a difference. Now if you'll excuse me, this one is 4.2 inches. Unacceptable.

Tom:I'm the best at staying humble. I'm humble as hell. Nobody's more humble than me. I'm like the LeBron James of humility.

Ben:I'd like to thank the Parks Department for this magnificent statue. It really captures the essence of... whatever this is supposed to be. The artist did an amazing job making it look exactly like someone who's never seen a human before tried to sculpt one from a description. It's truly a masterpiece of 'I have no idea what I'm doing.' I'm going to treasure this forever, or at least until I can figure out how to dispose of it without anyone noticing.

Leslie:Ron is like Voldemort. You don't say his name, you just point and people know who you mean.

Ron:I'm not a dark wizard.

Leslie:No, but you're just as powerful and just as scary.

April:Leslie fighting over cake is way crazier than us streaking.

Andy:Wait, we're not getting cake?

Jessica:I love my new Gryzzl tablet so much!

Gryzzl Tablet:I know. I've been watching you sleep.

April:I have to pay taxes, and my car insurance is due, and I need to schedule a dentist appointment.

April:Honestly, at this point, I'm ready to form a suicide pact with someone.

Andy:Where are we?

April:We're in the part of town that's only populated by raccoons and car batteries.

Jessica · Leslie:Oh, boo-hoo! It all ran off into the lake. Well, yes, admittedly, it did make the fish taste delicious, but it was a PR nightmare.

Realtor:Well, the kitchen flows directly into the master bedroom, the bathroom is actually inside the living room, and the garage is on the second floor. But other than that, it's really just your standard layout.

Realtor:It wasn't the factory but the asylum for the workers.

Trevor:I'm proud to announce the opening of my new law firm: Batting Average, On-Base Percentage & Slugging Percentage.

Leslie:Who am I? I don't even know anymore.

Ben:That's from Jason Bourne.

Leslie:I know.

Ben:Kevin James should play Jason Bourne.

Leslie:No, he shouldn't.

Ben:Kevin James as Jason Bourne.

Leslie:Stop it.

Leslie:I have declared war on the Sweetums factory, and I'm going to fight them with the only weapon I have: delicious, homemade cookies baked with love and fury.

Leslie:I'm declaring war on you all. I'm going to destroy you.

Leslie:I made war cookies.

Ben:Leslie, these have hearts in them.

Leslie:I know. I can't fully commit to being mean.