Craig

Don't shoot! It's Craig from Reinhold Mercedes! Craig, I got you, dawg! Don't worry, I'm comin'!

I am. I shot Ron Swanson. You shot my Mercedes? What? No. No!

Oh, that is the perfect name for you. I love it. Never change it! Wasn't gonna.

I want to be a Spanish man named Terrence, but that didn't happen.

I carried the Eagleton department on my shoulders for years, and I loved every second of it. You don't even know!

Oh, I have a medical condition all right. It's called caring too much! And it's incurable! Also I have eczema.

I'm halfway through designing a bamboo gazebo as a tribute to the founders of motown.

my DVR is 13 months pregnant with episodes of Scandal

Oh, no! That is insane! I will burn this place to the ground if you pick that one!

Craig Middlebrooks. Samantha in the boardroom, Miranda in the bedroom. I know it's not ideal, but it's who I am.

Donna said she might be able to get Ginuwine. That's given me a reason to live.

described himself as 'Jackson Pollock-esque' and I told him that's finger painting for adults and I hate it!

Craig: 'I studied botany for three years at Purdue University. Go, Boilermakers!'

Craig: 'My name is Craig Middlebrooks, and this is my debit rewards card.'

Craig wine description: 'Some place beautiful and warm and amazing where everyone is in great shape and the night sky is full of stars!'

Craig: 'I'm going to go home, put on a Macy Gray album, and cry in the mirror!'

Craig: 'I'll bring it down 1,000 notches if I have to!'

Craig as sommelier: Customer orders red wine with fish and ice cubes, plus dog bowl service with silly straws

I got so many kids from different women, I just get all of their birthdays out of the way one day a year.

First my cousin Winona gets into a car accident the night my one-man show opens, and now this? Why are my accomplishments always overshadowed?

Which is it? Fruity or earthy? It can't be both, they're mutually exclusive!

Which is it? Fruity or earthy? It can't be both, they're mutually exclusive!

A man without a palate isn't a man. I love you, Donna.

I wanna go horseback riding! Deal.

My sinuses are on the fritz, and smell is 90% of taste! Maybe 95!

Which is it? Fruity or earthy? It can't be both, they're mutually exclusive!

I don't know who I am anymore. A man without a palate isn't a man.

I recently had a bit of a health scare, just a couple weeks in the hospital. Oh, God. This story's terrible so far.

So, I fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams, and I became a Notary Public.

I signed an oath, Ben. And then a different notary notarized the oath I signed.

Calvin Coolidge was a notary. And so was Calvin Coolidge's dad and so was Calvin Coolidge's paternal grandfather.

Because I've died somehow and now I'm a ghost living in purgatory until I complete my unfinished business.

We're losing the cranberry salad, effective immediately!

I do not compare people to Mary J. Blige lightly.

I used bullet points instead of numbers, because I find it conveys strength and competence.

I am calm. I am grateful. I am Craig.

My name is Craig Middlebrooks. I'm the part-time sommelier here at Tom's Bistro. And I'm a very good singer!

Do you have any regrets? Not one. Not a single one. Do you have any regrets? Are you kidding? Thousands! Most recently, this trout!