Craig

Donna · Craig:Hi, I'm Donna. / Oh, that is the perfect name for you. I love it. Never change it!

Craig:Ugh, yes, but I hate that name. It's so boring. Sounds like someone's cousin. Craig! Craig! I want to be a Spanish man named Terrence, but that didn't happen.

Craig:Oh, I did everything. Everything! I carried the Eagleton department on my shoulders for years, and I loved every second of it. You don't even know!

Contractor/Vendor · Craig:I guess we can make a switch to Bermuda grass. It's only 80 cents more per square foot? / What? Gimme gimme gimme. You want me to put Bermuda grass in a continental climate that's a six on beaufort scale? In a park with zero drainage?

Craig:I want Kentucky bluegrass, I want a 10 percent discount, and I want you to apologize to my best friend Donna!

Craig:Oh, I have a medical condition all right. It's called caring too much! And it's incurable! / Also I have eczema.

Leslie · Donna · Craig:I mean, your job is secure, of course. You're basically the glue of this department. / But I think Craig's gonna have to go. / No, you should keep him. He's crazy intense, but I've never met anyone who cares more about this job. / Uh, Donna, I'm right here.

Craig:I don't have time for this. I'm halfway through designing a bamboo gazebo as a tribute to the founders of Motown.

Craig:No, I have a ton of work to do. Plus, my DVR is 13 months pregnant with episodes of Scandal.

Craig · Donna · Craig:Scandal's my favorite show. I love every character, except for... / Mellie. / Oh! Of course you like Scandal! Because you're amazing! I love you.

Craig · Leslie:And no matter what happens with this job, I will always love you. / Excuse me! Who even are you?

April · Craig · Ron · Larry · Donna:The spirit dogs reveal: we see each character matched to their spirit dog — Craig's is comically wrong, Ron's is perfect, Larry's is obviously Larry.

Craig:It was going to be 15, but then this one guy described himself as 'Jackson Pollock-esque' and I told him that's finger painting for adults and I hate it!

Craig:Who's a big guy?

Craig:Craig dramatically entering: 'I know I don't look the part, but I know everything about wine and I will prove it. My name is Craig Middlebrooks, and this is my debit rewards card.'

Ron · Ben · Craig:Ron, Craig, and Ben all immediately react to blueberry wine: 'Holy hell, that's a lot of alcohol.' — and they order four bottles

Ron · Craig:Ron agreeing to let Craig vent: 'You may vent for as long as it takes me to drink this bottle of wine.'

Ron · Craig:Ron's response after Craig says Ron is terrible to discuss personal problems with: 'Thank you, friend. That really means a lot to me.' — completely sincere

Craig:Craig's wine descriptions escalating to 'This comes from your mother's butt. Possibly your father's butt.' then correcting himself: 'This comes from John McEnroe's butt from the year 3055.'

Craig:Craig's lake house story: his parents couldn't decide who gets the dog, so they dropped it off at a synagogue.

Craig · Sommelier judge:Craig responding to the red wine with steak suggestion: 'Not if you're eating steak, you loon.'

Craig:Craig's exit monologue: 'I'm going to go home and feel totally fine. Who am I kidding? I'm going to go home, put on a Macy Gray album, and cry in the mirror!'

Craig:Craig reveals he wanted the Tom's Bistro sommelier job all along: 'Are you all blind? I want that job at Tom's Bistro. I've been trying to show you for the last five hours.'

Tom · Craig:Tom's response to Craig wanting the job: 'You're like a crazy volcano. You'd have to show me you can bring it down a notch.' Craig: 'I'll bring it down 1,000 notches if I have to!'

Tom · April · Donna · Craig:Craig, as sommelier at Tom's Bistro (test/audition): serving a customer who orders 'full-bodied red with fish' and ice cubes in wine — 'I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine, served in a dog bowl. And silly straws all around.'

Craig:Craig's internal monologue (to himself in the conference room that has no sound privacy): 'What kind of monster orders red with fish? I know they're messing with me and it's just a test, but have some decency!'

Craig · Tom:Craig eavesdropping revelation: 'Can you hear everything people say in that conference room? I've been taking what I thought were private phone calls. I've heard everything. I know all about the car dealership in Tampa.'

Craig · Leslie · Tom:Well, I sold everything on the auction list, no thanks to you people. What's so wonderful that you're all celebrating while I do all the hard work? / We're having triplets. / [Laughter] Oh, great. First my cousin Winona gets into a car accident the night my one-man show opens, and now this? Why are my accomplishments always overshadowed? Congratulations, I suppose.

Craig:Craig bursts in: 'First my cousin Winona gets into a car accident the night my one-man show opens, and now this? Why are my accomplishments always overshadowed? Congratulations, I suppose.'

Craig · someone:I once got into a cab that Kyra Sedgwick was getting out of! / No way, the closer?

Craig:The sawdust from Ron's chairs is everywhere. My sinuses are on the fritz, and smell is 90% of taste! Maybe 95!

Craig · Donna:That's a bold flavor. Fruity. A little earthy. Which is it? Fruity or earthy? It can't be both, they're mutually exclusive!

Craig:Oh, no! You do not come at me like that. I'm sorry. I don't know who I am anymore. A man without a palate isn't a man. I love you, Donna.

Craig:We're having a moment, you monster!

Ben · Craig:Morning, guys. / What did you do to the office? Ron, you're wearing my yoga clothes. You're gonna stretch out the elastic.

Craig:It's about time. We're losing the cranberry salad, effective immediately!

Craig:Well, I wish my reign had lasted longer, but I'm happy with the decisions I made and the people I fired.

Craig:Do you think this is my first time working a side job as a wedding planner for a former co-worker?

Craig:I mostly have my rage problem under control, but planning is very stressful. Please avoid my trigger words: 'flowers,' 'schedule,' 'vows,'

Craig:'bride,' 'groom,' 'food,' 'love,' 'happy,' 'church,' 'event,' 'wedding,' and 'Craig.'

Craig · Donna:Do you want to go to dinner tonight? [Craig] I do not. [Donna] Respect. [Craig] I'm free. [Donna] I have plans.

Craig:"I am calm. I am grateful. I am Craig." — Craig's entrance mantra

Craig:Craig's confessional: 'My name is Craig Middlebrooks. I'm the part-time sommelier here at Tom's Bistro. And I'm a very good singer!'

Craig · Typhoon:A bar patron sends Craig a glass of wine and his business card — Craig's love story begins

Craig · Typhoon:Craig's wedding: 'I don't know about this. I'm very scared.' / 'Oh, just relax, you nervous Nellie. You're right. We love each other. And the tax break is substantial.'

Craig · Typhoon:Craig and Typhoon's anniversary: 'Do you have any regrets? Not one. Not a single one.' / 'Do you have any regrets? Are you kidding? Thousands! Most recently, this trout!'