Flu Season 2

Martin:I'm gonna do impressions of celebrities for the Unity Concert talent show.

Unknown Interviewer:Oh great, what impressions do you do?

Martin:*does completely nonsensical mashup of random celebrity impressions that makes no sense*

Unknown Interviewer:Those were impressive impressions, but what was the point?

Martin:The point? There is no point. I just do voices.

Leslie:I need to see the completed audition forms with all signatures and initials. Every single box checked. Every. Single. Box. Do you understand? I will literally not be able to sleep tonight if there's even one blank space. I'll just lie there, staring at the ceiling, thinking about that unchecked box. My eye will twitch. I'll start muttering to myself. By morning, I'll have reorganized my entire apartment by the Dewey Decimal System just to distract myself from the existential dread of administrative incompleteness.

Perd:I am now reading poetry. I am holding a piece of paper. The paper has words on it. I am looking at the words. My eyes are moving from left to right. I am now moving my mouth. Sounds are coming out of my mouth. Some people are listening to the sounds. They are sitting in chairs. The chairs have legs. I am standing. My legs are also below me. I am wearing shoes on my feet.

Perd Hapley:I have prepared a poem for you all. It is called 'The Winds of Change.' The winds of change are blowing through our fair city. They bring with them the promise of tomorrow. And also some allergies.

Jerry Gergich:That's... that's just the news.

Perd Hapley:Yes. Yes, it is.

Perd Hapley:I'd like to read you my second poem. It's called 'Poem: A Poem About Poems.'

Perd Hapley:A poem, by Perd Hapley.

Leslie:You should take vitamin C.

Andy:Vitamin C? Like, Vitamin Barney? Vitamin Wilma?

Leslie:And that's why we need to account for raccoon density in our flu prevention protocol. It's a well-documented vector.

Leslie:We're throwing a pageant celebrating a disease that horrified health authorities across the country.

Leslie:Larry, you can't work from home. You'll contaminate the office. I've set up a tent in the parking lot for you.

Larry:A tent? Leslie, I have the flu, not leprosy.

Leslie:I've also redirected all your mail there. It's safer this way.

Leslie:Why is the fan called 'The Breeze'? That's so obvious!

Unknown Character:It literally just blows air around.

Leslie:No, no, no. There's got to be something deeper. Some kind of hidden meaning or clever wordplay.

Unknown Character:It's a fan. It makes a breeze.

Leslie:Too simple. There's no way that's actually it.

Chipp McCapp:My dog ran away and my truck broke down, my wife left me in this one-horse town, I lost my job at the factory, now all I got is this bottle and me.

Tom:Look, a sommelier is just a fancy word for a wine salesman. And salesmen? They're heroes. They're out there every day, grinding, hustling, making things happen. People don't respect sales enough. A sommelier walks into a room, suddenly everyone thinks he's sophisticated. That's the power of sales, baby. That's why I want to hire one.

Ben:I know a lot about wine. I took a course in plant biology in college, and I went to Indiana University, so...

Tom:This wine trip is going to be amazing. Just me, some beautiful vineyards, and some of the finest wines in the world.

Leslie:Oh, that sounds wonderful! Can I come?

Ben:Yeah, that does sound pretty cool.

April:I'm in.

Andy:Road trip!

Tom:No. No, no, no. This is not a group activity. This is a solo journey for a sophisticated man of culture and means.

Jerry:Can I join?

Tom:Oh my God. No! Why would you... No!

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're already embarrassing me and we haven't even started yet.

Leslie:We could always call Dylan's people, see if any of his associates might want to headline.

Ron:His associates? Leslie, Dylan's people are criminals and drug addicts.

Leslie:Yes, but they're very talented criminals and drug addicts.

Unknown Character:On-the-nose album title stating their position

Tom:Xander's got skills like Usher in the 2004 R&B landscape—smooth, precise, totally in command of his lane.

Gross but probably real sommelier practice

April:I want to join the competition so I can sabotage everyone else and watch them fail. It brings me joy.

April:I went to the Culinary Institute of France for three years studying viticulture and oenology under the tutelage of the world's foremost wine experts. I also have a degree in French literature from the Sorbonne.

Craig:I belong here. I have a Roth IRA.

Ron:I only drink alcohol that's clear or brown. I will not drink blueberry wine.

Leslie:Are you okay? Do you need medical attention?

Andy:I'm fine, I'm fine. Why does everyone keep asking me that?

Leslie:Because you have a giant bruise on your face.

Andy:Oh, that's just from when I fell down the stairs at work.

Leslie:That's terrible! We need to get you to a hospital.

Andy:No, no, I'm good. I'll just go punch myself a few more times. That usually helps.

Leslie:I need the strongest flu medicine you have. I have to be at a meeting tomorrow and I cannot miss it.

Pharmacist:This should do it, but you need to follow the instructions carefully.

Leslie:Don't worry, I can handle it. I once organized an entire town festival while battling a stomach bug. I'm basically Mariah Carey.

Pharmacist:What?

Leslie:You know, a diva who demands perfection no matter what. Except instead of hitting high notes, I'm hitting deadlines.

Pharmacist:Well, let's see here. You've got a slight case of the sniffles.

Pharmacist:Actually, wait. That's pneumonia. You're going to die.

Pharmacist:Oh never mind, I wasn't looking at your chart. You're fine. That'll be fifteen dollars.

Andy:Wait, Leslie said I could buy two candies?

Andy:So if I buy one really huge candy, that counts as two, right? I'm gaming the system!

Ben:Can I vent to you about something?

Ron:Of course. I'm going to have a drink, and when it's gone, this conversation is over.

Ben:My mom called me again about my dad. They're having issues.

Ron:Ben, you need to stop letting them pull you into their drama.

Ben:I know, but they're my parents. What am I supposed to do?

Ron:Tell them to work it out themselves. You're a grown man.

Ben:Ron, that's actually really good advice. You should be a therapist.

Ron:Absolutely not. I have no interest in other people's problems.

Ron:I don't take criticism well. But I'm working on it. In fact, I consider what you just said to be a genuine compliment, and I thank you for it.

April:This wine tastes like if a Kardashian was a fruit.

Craig:I'm detecting notes of blackberry, oak, and a hint of vanilla.

Craig:Now I'm getting some leather, tobacco, and what appears to be a small child's scream.

Craig:Is that... is that the sound of a marriage ending? Yes, I'm definitely tasting a failed marriage.

Craig:And underneath all that, I'm picking up notes of regret, broken dreams, and possibly a ghost.

Craig:This wine has notes of blackberry, hints of oak, a subtle undertone of tobacco with just a whisper of vanilla on the finish.

April:It tastes like wine.

Ben:This wine has notes of... blackberry, and oak, and also my ex-girlfriend's betrayal.

Ben:This one tastes like regret. Regret and... is that plum?

Ben:Ooh, this one's got a real finish. It finishes with me crying in my car in the parking lot of a Home Depot.

Ben:This wine pairs well with poor life choices and a complete lack of self-respect.

Ben:Leslie? Leslie, hi, it's me. It's Ben. Ben Wyatt. I'm a man. I have a face. I work at the government. I'm calling you on a phone.

Leslie:I'm calling to tell you that waffles are just pancakes that decided to get their life together. And also, I think Ben doesn't know that I reorganized his entire sock drawer by thread count.

Leslie:Did you know that the word 'government' has 'govern' in it? Like, that's not a coincidence. Someone planned that. That person is a genius.

Leslie:Anyway, I'm going to go eat a entire wheel of cheese and call it dinner. Love you. Bye!

Ben:My phone just died. It's like when Stanley Kubrick died.

Ron:I'll walk you home.

Ben:Oh, thanks Ron.

Ron:It's this way.

Tom:I'm dating a baseball player.

Tom:Well, I mean, I'm not actually dating him, but I told everyone at the wine thing that I was.

Tom:Oh, 'je ne sais quoi'? Really, Terrence? You don't know what? It's literally the name of the thing you're describing. That's not French, that's just giving up.

Craig:For a nice steak, you want a wine with some backbone. Something assertive, confident, maybe a little neurotic and self-deprecating. So basically, a wine that's like a humor writer.

Craig:This wine has notes of blackberry, plum, and a hint of... is that... blood? Yeah, this tastes like evidence from a murder scene.

Chipp:I need my sandwiches cut diagonally, not straight across. And the bread has to be toasted to exactly 347 degrees. The lettuce must be arranged in a counter-clockwise pattern, and each piece of cheese needs to be individually blessed by a spiritual healer before it touches the bread.

April:Thank you. I want to say that wine is just old juice and anyone who pretends to like it is a liar. The 'notes' you taste are made up. That 'full body' you're experiencing is just expensive marketing. I'm going to use my platform as sommelier champion to tell people the truth: wine is bad and we should all just drink beer or vodka like normal people.

April:I want to thank Eddie Murphy's worst movies for inspiring me to be better.

Tom:I'm gonna outbid him. How much is he offering?

Xander:Twelve thousand dollars.

Tom:Okay, I'm out.

Unknown Character:I'm out of alcohol. It's like my bottle broke its promises to me.

Ron Swanson:I don't know what you want from me.

Ron Swanson:A man is what he does, not what he says he'll do.

Chipp:Casually insulting his own fanbase

Chipp:I want to shoot the gun!

Father:No, you're too young.

Chipp:But I WANT to! You're the worst father ever!

Father:Fine, here's the gun.

Chipp:I'm gonna shoot you!

Father:That's my boy!

Leslie:Okay, Chipp, you think you're so smart? Well, I'm going to get you back for this.

Andy:Oh no, not again. Last week she spent three hours planning an elaborate prank involving a fake permit application.

Leslie:That's because it works, Andy!

Andy:Yeah, but she does this like every other day. I've already had to create a spreadsheet to track her revenge plots.

Andy:Hey, Leslie, I know you're worried about how your family's gonna handle you moving up in your career. But trust me, big families adapt. My family's huge and we figure it out.

Leslie:That's really sweet, Andy. I'm actually pregnant.

Andy:See? Your family's gonna be so excited when you tell them you got a promotion!

Leslie:No, Andy. I'm pregnant. With a baby.

Andy:Right, yeah, and that's gonna be great for your career trajectory. You're gonna crush it.

Andy:Wait, so the baby's gonna be inside Ann the whole time? Like, living in there?

Andy:That's incredible. So basically Ann's a spaceship now. She's literally carrying precious cargo.

Andy:Does the baby need, like, a seatbelt in there? Because that seems like a safety issue.

Andy:Oh! Oh! I know what we should do. We should talk to the baby every day so it knows our voices. I read that somewhere, or I'm pretty sure I did.

Ron Swanson:Blueberry wine. A bold choice. Most people don't understand the complexity of berry fermentation. The ancient Mesopotamians believed blueberries contained the tears of forgotten gods. Personally, I just appreciate that it pairs well with venison and solitude.

Leslie Knope:Ron, I'm assigning you to play an emotion.

Ron Swanson:Leslie, emotions are a sign of weakness. I don't have them.

Leslie Knope:You're playing Anger.

Ron Swanson:I'm not angry.

Craig:I'm not getting that job. I can feel it. And you know what? I'm fine with it. I'm going to go home, I'm going to get a bottle of the cheapest scotch they have, I'm going to pour it into a glass that still has yesterday's lipstick on it, I'm going to get into bed, I'm going to scroll through pictures of my ex-girlfriend's vacation, and I'm going to cry until my eyes are swollen shut.

Ron Dunn:What if we did some role-play therapy? You embody anger, and I'll try to talk you down.

Ron Swanson:Fine. I'm angry.

Craig:I will tone it down. I will be LESS INTENSE. I will speak in a measured, calm, and reasonable manner AT ALL TIMES. I WILL NOT RAISE MY VOICE. I WILL NOT USE EXCESSIVE PUNCTUATION OR DRAMATIC GESTURES. I WILL SIT QUIETLY AND THINK PEACEFUL THOUGHTS. I WILL MEDITATE ON THE NATURE OF TRANQUILITY AND ZEN-LIKE CALM. NAMASTE.

Andy:You just gotta tell him that his academic success was actually an accident. Like, he didn't mean to get good grades, it just happened.

Andy:Karate! Hi-YAH! Karate! Hi-YAH!

Andy:It's time to learn karate, it's time to learn karate, it's time to learn karate from me!

Craig:I'm going to deliberately give you wrong wine pairings to see how you react.

Customer:Wait, what?

Craig:For a fish course, I'm recommending this heavy Cabernet Sauvignon.

Customer:That's... that's completely wrong.

Craig:And for dessert, a dry, tannic Barolo.

Customer:Who are you?

Tom:Wait, so Craig could hear everything we were saying in that office?

Leslie:Yeah, the walls are basically paper thin.

Tom:Oh my God. Oh my God, no. Last week I was in there telling Ben about my entire business plan for Rent-A-Swag.

Ben:Your what now?

Tom:Exactly! Craig heard it first!

Ben:I don't believe in spirit animals. That's not based in any kind of science or logic.

Ben:My spirit animal is the bald eagle.

Leslie:I'm going home to tell Ben some big news.

Andy:Oh my god, you're getting a dog! That's so exciting! You're gonna love it. Pro tip: get the biggest bag of dog food you can find. It lasts way longer, and dogs don't care about freshness.

Leslie:Andy, I'm not getting a dog.

Andy:Oh, you'll change your mind. Everyone does. Also, name it something cool like Thunderbolt or Rape Ape.

Ron Swanson:You are like a caterpillar in a cocoon. And soon, you will emerge as a beautiful butterfly and spread your wings and fly away... from government.

Ben:Yeah, so that didn't work at all.

Craig:Craig's exit monologue: 'I'm going to go home and feel totally fine. Who am I kidding? I'm going to go home, put on a Macy Gray album, and cry in the mirror!'

Craig:Craig reveals he wanted the Tom's Bistro sommelier job all along: 'Are you all blind? I want that job at Tom's Bistro. I've been trying to show you for the last five hours.'

Tom · Craig:Tom's response to Craig wanting the job: 'You're like a crazy volcano. You'd have to show me you can bring it down a notch.' Craig: 'I'll bring it down 1,000 notches if I have to!'

Andy · Scott Tanner · Scott's kid:Andy's Karate Chop Master performance at Scott Tanner's house — singing a children's song to a rock legend to convince him to reunite his band

Tom · April · Donna · Craig:Craig, as sommelier at Tom's Bistro (test/audition): serving a customer who orders 'full-bodied red with fish' and ice cubes in wine — 'I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine, served in a dog bowl. And silly straws all around.'

Craig:Craig's internal monologue (to himself in the conference room that has no sound privacy): 'What kind of monster orders red with fish? I know they're messing with me and it's just a test, but have some decency!'

Craig · Tom:Craig eavesdropping revelation: 'Can you hear everything people say in that conference room? I've been taking what I thought were private phone calls. I've heard everything. I know all about the car dealership in Tampa.'

Ron Swanson · Ron Dunn:Ron Dunn's fire ceremony: 'You're surrendering to the Earth Mother. Now, stare into the fire and picture your spirit animal.' Ron Swanson: 'I don't know what my spirit animal is. Because it doesn't exist because that's nonsense because you're an adult.'

Ben · Ron Dunn:Ben's spirit animal is a baby snow owl. Ron Dunn: 'He's right.' — completely serious

Ron Swanson · Ron Dunn:Ron Dunn urging Ben to burn the check in the fire; Ron Swanson: 'Do not burn that check. It is money.' Ron Dunn: 'No. Ron is right, Ron.'

Andy:Andy confesses: 'Especially since I threw up in that guy's piano.'

Andy:Andy's continued confusion about Leslie's pregnancy: 'Now you need to get home. You and Ben have some planning to do... You're gonna need a cage, a water bowl. You have a good vet? Tick medicine.'

Ron Dunn:Ron Dunn's car runs on vegetable oil and bat guano: 'Actually cleans the air as it drives.'

Ron Dunn · Ben:Ron Dunn's inspirational speech about Ben 'emerging from his cocoon' and 'will you fly?' — followed by Ben bluntly: 'Yeah, I don't feel any better. I'm still angry. Damn it.'

Ron Dunn:Ron Dunn apologizing: 'Sorry we couldn't help you work through your problems. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a lady, two little girls, and an infant waiting for me. It's always nice to see the kids at the end of a long day. Really puts things in perspective.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben's tearful resolution about the lake house: 'I want to start our family. I mean, I know things are crazy, but there's no good time. And I want to do it. Now.' Leslie: 'Well, buddy, I've got some good news for you.'