Flu Season 2

Martin doing impressions: 'I'm Quentin Tarantino... I'm John Malkovich... I'm Tommy Lee Jones... Also, I'm George W. Bush.'

Leslie: 'Who are any of those people?'

Leslie's talking head about completion of tasks: 'I hate tasks that are uncompleted. I live for the check marks in columns indicating the completion of tasks.'

Perd: 'This is a slam poem that I wrote. And I am speaking the slam poem to you right now with my mouth.'

Character reaction: 'I cannot tell the difference between what's supposed to be slam poetry and what's just him talking.'

Perd: 'My second slam poem is called "My Second Slam Poem by Perd Hapley," by Perd Hapley.'

Andy asking about vitamins: 'Is that the Fred one or the Barney one?'

Leslie: 'We used to crown Miss Influenza every year. The CDC called the pageant "ethically reprehensible".'

Leslie to Larry in quarantine tent: 'The tent is your home now, Larry. We already forwarded your mail.'

Chipp McCapp fan explanation: 'We are huge Chippmunks. That's what his fans call themselves. I don't know why.'

Tom's restaurant philosophy: 'People that convince other people to buy expensive stuff they don't need. Those are the real heroes.'

Craig: 'I studied botany for three years at Purdue University. Go, Boilermakers!'

Tom: 'I started with two cool people and I ended up with a bunch of grandpas.'

Tom to group: 'You're already doing it. I begged you.'

Leslie's wish list item: 'Bob Dylan's friends'

Land Ho album title: 'We'll Never Reunite'

Leslie to Larry: 'No! Back in your tent, sicky.'

Leslie: 'Oh, no. Damn it, Larry!' Andy: 'Sorry.'

Tom's introduction: 'Tom Haverford. Owner, operator, and global ambassador for Tom's Bistro'

Tom: 'He's basically the Bruno Mars of Indiana amateur wine tasting.'

Xander: 'I pour saline water through my nose to clear the mucus from my smell centers.'

Tom's reaction: 'That is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.'

April: 'I wanted to make fun of stupid people while I get drunk. My two true passions.'

April claiming she studied at 'The Wine Academy... In Bordeaux'

Craig: 'My name is Craig Middlebrooks, and this is my debit rewards card.'

Ben to Ron: 'Did you not hear me say there was no need to discuss it with me?'

Ron: 'Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.'

Ron: 'I don't drink alcohol from that portion of the color spectrum.'

Andy: 'I do it all the time' about puking in his car

Andy about first aid: 'Or karate. That's not first aid. It is if you do it right.'

Leslie: 'The Mariah-needs-to-sing-tonight stuff.'

Pharmacist: 'Could be aseptic meningitis... It'd mean you have, like, an hour to live... It's probably not that. Sorry, it's my first day.'

Andy with giant candy: 'This counts as one.'

Ron: 'You may vent for as long as it takes me to drink this bottle of wine.'

Ben: 'You're a terrible person to discuss personal problems with.' Ron: 'Thank you, friend. That really means a lot to me.'

April wine tasting: 'It's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special... so much pumpkin'

April: 'I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood, old, dirty cashews from your grandfather's basement, and just a hint of a robot's bathwater.'

Craig wine description: 'Some place beautiful and warm and amazing where everyone is in great shape and the night sky is full of stars!'

April: 'This comes from your mother's butt. Possibly your father's butt... This comes from John McEnroe's butt from the year 3055.'

Andy: 'I made all the little coffee pods they had.'

Ben on phone: 'Hey, honey. Hey. Uh, it's your me. It's wife. It's Leslie. Knope.'

Ben's drunk synagogue story: 'Just like the time they couldn't decide who gets the dog, so they just dropped it off at the local synagogue. I was, like, Say what?'

Ben: 'I was just saying to Ron that my dog's Jewish.'

Leslie: 'It's as dead as Stanley Kubrick. I miss them both so much, Ron.'

Tom: 'You know I picked up a little French-Canadian when I dated that Montreal Expo.'

French restaurateur: 'That is everyone's idea. That is why we have this, how you say, thing.'

Tom: 'Okay, don't act like you don't know the word "thing."'

April wine recommendation: 'Something bold and dry, like David Sedaris.'

April: 'You know in the movies, when the cops show up and find lipstick on a wine glass next to a dead body? This is that wine.'

Chipp: 'You're the real superstars.' followed immediately by demanding LunchStacks

Chipp to his father: 'Cheese on top, or no one gets paid... You dick. I want ham.'

Chipp's father: 'Pick them up, Skipp.' after being humiliated

April: 'I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same. And if you spend more than $5 on wine, you are very stupid.'

April's acceptance speech: 'Norbit, uh, Pluto Nash, all the Klumps.'

Tom salary negotiation: 'I'll double whatever he's paying you... I will pay you one-tenth of whatever he's paying you.'

Donna's wine shortage: 'Aw, man, this wine bottle is all out of the wine'

Ron Dunn: 'All depends on whether your conception of time is linear or circular.'

Chipp: 'They sure ain't buying toothpaste. Bunch of dirty hicks.'

Chipp shooting paintball at his father: 'Good shot, son. I'm proud of you.'

Leslie: 'When you shook my hand earlier, there was pee on my palms.'

Andy: 'You get pee-palm, too? Every time!'

Andy's pregnancy advice: 'Just because your family is getting bigger does not mean that you can't handle it.'

Andy: 'I thought you were getting a dog.' Leslie: 'Why did you go like this?' Andy: 'That's a sign for petting a dog that's sitting on your lap.'

Waitress: 'Put it in a doggy bag.' Andy: 'She's gettin' a dog!'

Ron Dunn: 'The Wamapoke called it "mattapiqua." They believed it had mystical powers.'

Ron Dunn role-play: 'I'll be your father. And, Ron, you take the role of Ben's anger.'

Ron Swanson: 'Well, goodnight, everyone. I'm going to go home and feel totally fine.'

Craig: 'I'm going to go home, put on a Macy Gray album, and cry in the mirror!'

Craig: 'I'll bring it down 1,000 notches if I have to!'

Andy about SATs: 'Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken Scantron machine.'

Johnny Karate theme song performance with Scott Tanner

Johnny Karate song performance with Scott joining in

Craig as sommelier: Customer orders red wine with fish and ice cubes, plus dog bowl service with silly straws

Ben: 'Because it doesn't exist because that's nonsense because you're an adult.'

Ron Dunn: 'Baby snow owl.'

Andy about dog care: 'You're gonna need a cage, a water bowl... Tick medicine.'

Ron Dunn about his car: 'This thing runs on vegetable oil and bat guano. Actually cleans the air as it drives.'

Ben: 'Yeah, I don't feel any better. I'm still angry. Damn it.'

Ron Swanson's family perspective: 'It's always nice to see the kids at the end of a long day. Really puts things in perspective'