Ben Wyatt

Ben's blunt correction of Chris's optimism: 'he said that because that sounds a lot better than, we're going to gut it with a machete'

Ben's backstory reveal: 'When I was 18, I ran for Mayor of my small town and won' followed by 'Here's the thing, though, about 18-year-olds. They're idiots.'

Ben's admission that his parents grounded him after being impeached as mayor

The revelation that Ben played 'Whoomp! There it is' at his mayoral swearing-in ceremony

The revelation that Ann was so drunk she gave Ben her phone instead of her phone number

The government has been shut for two days, and one city employee has tried to schedule 14 meetings with me. Can you guess who?

Pawnee is better than Idaho. / No, Pawnee is not special. / Your department, all the way down here, is not a priority.

You're non-essential. / That is not your call. / I know, it's on your badge.

Sell the zoo animals. / To whom? / Cosmetics labs? Weird restaurants? I'm just spit-balling here.

No other department has one to begin with.

When he would do it by himself, nothing got done, and when I did it by myself, I'd get death threats.

Mean Ben? / No, no, no. Mean Ben?

The biggest service was getting you to stop singing.

So, that just means that we're in maintenance mode. / Yeah! Jerry!

And quite frankly, throw things at you and call you names. Like Turd-boy. Whatever.

Yes, I am. / No, you're not. / I'm great at being sneaky. / Clearly, you're not.

Look. When I was 18 and I became mayor of my hometown, I used every last dollar we had to open a giant winter sports complex. Called it Ice Town. And it turned out great and everyone loved it. Yeah, kind of. It was never completed, and I got impeached.

The newspaper headline was, 'Ice Town Costs Ice Clown His Town Crown.' They were big into rhymes.

That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBA finals.

Usually people don't care about anything. These people are weirdos, but they're weirdos who care.

Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb and so was that idea. - Seriously? - This is embarrassing for you.

So all I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my ex-wife. - And you imagine he's wearing a cape while he's plowing her?

Calzones. - What the hell is wrong with this guy?

You mean, like calzone-sized? - Ah! Sure.

There's a really great calzone place over in Idiotville. - Oh, really? - Down on Terrible Idea Avenue.

Calzones are pointless. They're just pizza that's harder to eat. No one likes them. Good day, sir. - Leslie, I... you know, I... - I'm just kidding. Let's go.

Boy, 35%? It's actually 34.2%. '34.2%.' I'm Ben, the numbers robot.

It's just an exact calculation. 'It's just an exact calculation.' All right.

Ice Town.

Game over, man. Game over.

There are a lot of cars. I mean, not too many. Trucks and stuff. But, you know...

RoboCop didn't have guns for arms. Oh, my God. That's so not the point, you nerd.

Look. Who hasn't had gay thoughts?

Is there a bird in here? I swear, I keep seeing a bird in this studio.

First of all, why does everyone in this town use AltaVista? Is it 1997?

'Hey, Doug from Bloomington is thinking about buying a shirt.' I mean, come on, Doug, who cares?

The owner of the motel I'm staying at said she was gonna screen Hope Floats in the lobby. Asked me if I wanted to watch.

Tom Hammen... Hammenstein. Haverford.

Well, Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. I mean, his powers were more spiritual. Shut up, you nerd!

So what am I missing? What's the deal with the pony?

You're like a ninja crossed with a Jedi, or something. / You're like a nerd mixed with a dork or something.

During the battle, 93-year-old chief Wakote was shot 102 times by the calvary. Did he die? Yes.

Take that, curse! / Take that, curse! / Ouch, ouch, ouch! Right in the chest, ooh! Ow, ow, ow! Bazooka!

Well, uh, you know, when I was an 18-year-old mayor, I tried to build a winter sports complex called Ice Town and it bankrupted the city.

I was also short-stop on my JV baseball team. No one ever brings that up.

Plus we lost that little pony. / It's a mini horse! / And that's the third lightning rod. Triple lightning rod! / And then you have the curse, quadruple lightning rod.

Ice Town was a disaster. And it seems like it was probably your fault. From what I can tell, you mismanaged the hell out of it. / Wow, why even say that already?

I don't get it. At all. It's kind of a small horse. I mean, what am I missing? Am I crazy? / Hey, Ben, you just missed it. He whinnied. / Oh, yeah, no. I totally heard that. It was great.

About 83 cents. Per household. Before postage.

What's say we just stand here in silence. And think of ideas... for projects.

I mean, you're like the energizer bunny of city government.

Sounds good. - No, no.

Yeah. Apparently they want me to bring Avatar and 50 pairs of 3-d glasses and a 3-d-capable television.

To be honest with you, I wasn't a fan of, uh, Peter Jackson's interpretation.

I did get in trouble for shaking one... Yeah, I'm not allowed there anymore.

Uh...

There is some weird juju in this room right now.

Hey. Well, I think I'm allergic to chutney. Also, what's chutney? No clue.

I just wanted to remind you of the art show that's happening tonight at the Community Center. It's gonna be a lot of fun. - Great. Great. - Yeah. Well, that sounds cool. That sounds like something that'll be a big success, you know? I mean, like everything that you, uh--that you put your--your--your paws on-- your fingers.

This isn't anything like your affair with Tom Haverford. - We weren't--you--you--

How hot is the woman that's looking for a place to stay? - No, it's me. I'm looking. - Oh, come on, that's not fair. You shouldn't have led me to believe it was a beautiful woman.

I've been staying at the Pawnee Supersuites Motel for seven months. It's a charming little inn with wonderfully random wake-up calls, delightfully unstable temperatures, and, as of yesterday, bedbugs. 'Four stars!' Says nobody.

I have a ritual, and it starts on the couch. - Ecch. - We sit down. - Okay. Yep. - Clap my hands. - Lights dim. - I understand. - Boyz II Men... - Please stop. - Fades in. - Nope. Nope.

Are you guys frying marbles?

Are you eating turkey chili off of a frisbee? It's pretty cute, right? No. Do you know what 'cute' means?

You guys--you wash your clothes in bubble bath? Eh, bubble bath, clothes soap, same thing. No, it's not. Well, they both make bubbles, so...

Which I organize into a pile or stack that I put into the freezer. - Why? - So they won't get lost.

Or we could buy a Wii. You can handle this. I don't know, man. Why don't you just do it? No, I can't. I--I...Have a date. Ooh, what's his name?

There's, like, a 30% chance they'll both die.

I mean, to be honest, that seems like the kind of thing I would do. And I didn't think you would give in.

She stole money from you. What? No, no, Andy, she did not.

Hi, Dan. - Ben. - It's not important. It won't come up again.

I'm sorry. For what? / I don't know.

I'm sorry. For what? I don't know. Are you okay? No, I'm sad.

You're wearing snow pants.

Your sweater's on inside out. And backwards.

I was thinking about you when I wrote it. 'Cause I was, um... 'Cause I told you I wanted to read it? Yeah. That's a good reason.

All right, 'Lesliemin.' Leslie.

[Ben and Leslie's awkward physical positioning and forced enthusiasm]

Right here. Ah... Ah... And go team! Yep.

Did you go to Johns Hopkins? No.

It's an amazing instrument, the banjo. Yeah. I didn't realize it could be this loud.

You've got an eyelash on your face. I got it. Make a wish. Learning to speak Mandarin. Unit three. Get away from me. Sorry.

I mean, the people are passionate and kind. They love their city. They take pride in their work. It's a very, very special place.

Hey, we were thinking about going to dinner, photographer. You want in? You wanna grab some grub?

Come on, photographer. Last chance.

And the town has really nice blond hair, too, and has read a shocking number of political biographies for a town, which I like.

I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The whiz palace, as I like to call it.

The key to a healthy urethra, radishes. Good, I'm gonna go to bed. Good night. Good night. Well, now I'm up. You wanna Boggle?

I think at some point, you and I should probably make out with each other. Yeah, good call.

The best part of any relationship is the beginning. No problems, no fights. Just white wine, cuddling, and crazy amounts of History Channel documentaries.

I mean, at one point, for no reason, I just took off my shoes and held them in my hand.

When I first met you, I thought you were a fascist hard-ass. What? A cute fascist hard-ass.

Or we could go to Belize and go scuba diving. And we could look at the whale sharks. You're certified, right? Let's get you certified.

Hello. Wrong. What? No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking.

'You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.' I love Calvin and Hobbes. Me, too!

Your mom kind of, um, made a pass at me.

How were you dressed? Oh, my God.

Four buses. Two. Deal.

Leslie's busy, she's working on the Li'I Sebastian memorial service. But you know what? She did give me this note to give to you, and she also wanted me to kiss you deeply, which I'm going to have to pass on.

She drew a kiss monster on the note.

We just like to work in the same place, and then we talk and hold hands. Yuck, that's somehow worse.

It's just a list of facts. What? Okay, mine says, 'You have a cute butt.'

What was that tone? What? Oh, nothing. I'm very sad about this.

Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night. Okay, okay. And this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss. Whoa. Eleanor likes the tongue.

Oh, President Reagan, my blazer popped open. Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. It's gonna be a bumpy ride to this summit meeting. Our countries have had a very... special relationship...

I won the MacArthur Genius Grant. Yeah. Yeah, so that's what the hug was all about.

Destroy my credit cards. Debt and everything? Mr. Mayor, I promise you that we will find the owner of that wiener, and we will punish him.

It's an L-shaped éclair. The 'L' is for Leslie, for your name.

stinkmaster69@alumni.sarahlawrencecollege.edu. Really? Sarah Lawrence? Yeah. I wanted a small college experience.

And you have the mumps. You might want to get that checked. Sweet. Someone's got mumps on his lumps.

Perfect. Just as a backup, I'm sending you some photos. That will not be necessary. That's me.

Leslie, there was a dude in the ladies' yacht club. Yeah, but I covered that pretty well.

Also, you've been making campaign speeches in your sleep. Granted, you always do that, but they got really specific and moving.

Hey, thanks for texting me to hang out. I really felt like we'd developed a cool friendship, and it... Anyway, it was just nice to have that validated

No, of course. Yeah, no. I'll just put on my Star Wars pajamas and sit in my mom's basement and pore over some spreadsheets

Yeah, sure, I'll take a look. Let's hit it. What do you... Right now? I have work. And I thought I had a friend

It's almost too easy. I can hear you. I know you can, Ben. That's how easy it is

I mean, I would guess they'll be bankrupt by the end of this sentence

Get rid of four of those accountants. You don't need five accountants

Tom told me that chair was $27,000. That chair, that has a roof

She's probably being paid upwards of $100,000 a year

If there's one thing Leslie's not, it's sloppy. She's also not brief. This is going to take forever.

Hi. Joan Callamezzo. Yeah. Hi, Ben Wyatt. We've met. I don't think so. Yeah, I was on your show. Nope.

I was the first one to tell you that?

You know, nerd culture is mainstream now. So, when you use the word 'nerd' derogatorily, it means you're the one that's out of the Zeitgeist.

They're making a sequel. I'm assuming with the same alternate timeline. But if J.J. Abrams and company expect us to believe that it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk well, let's just say the message boards are going nuts.

Say what you will about Joan, but she knows how to decorate a bedroom. Wow. Oh, my God. Where the hell am I? I just want to see how soft these sheets are. One second. Tom. No. Come on. Let's go.

Where you were born is a piece of trivia. Where you're from? That's what makes you who you are. And you are from Pawnee. You're more Pawnee than anyone I know.

Damn it. He's right. Well said. Thanks, Ron. You're welcome, Steve.

And they would never cancel Game of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts. They're telling human stories in a fantasy world.

Although, I am just two sandwiches away from a free meatball sub.

This is the most stressed out I've ever been in my life.

I really want this dress, and I like this crystal beetle, but it's expensive and there's no use for it. / Donna Meagle? Treat Yourself.

Well, give it a minute. God.

My parents' method of problem solving is to kind of keep everything bottled up and just subtly hint at what's bothering them. And after 36 years, they are still divorced.

My name's Ben. I'm mad.

Damn it, I just love it so much.

Stop using my comforter for your pillow forts... It's going to be about 5,600 bucks. Deal?

Well, they figure if people criticize them, it'll seem like they're attacking something very reasonable. That's weirdly brilliant.

That was a tragic day. LIVESTRONG. Mmm.

Wow, what an unbelievably unpleasant person.

I know what you're doing, Leslie. You know, you can't do this. You know, we broke up. And I kind of feel like we shouldn't hang out together, just the two of us. Because every time we do, it just makes it harder. You know?

Oh, well, Shauna is not here. Oh. See what I did? I do. I'm very sneaky.

Leslie and I aren't dating anymore, but, uh, we're friends. So it's fun. It's just fun. It's fun... it's... fun... It is fun.

Shut up, Bulgaria!

Or, as they say in Denmark... 'I'm back.' Most people speak English.

You can't just chop up the aspects of a relationship into discrete parts and select the ones you want like a buffet. / Why not?

If you rearrange the letters of Peru, you could spell Europe. / That's... That's not true. / Well... You have to rearrange them.

Ben, how are we gonna get Kathy Ireland to do naked aerobics for them? / Okay. I regret telling you that... very much.

But guess what, Terryville sucks old car tires and so does Martin Luther... No. He does not suck old car tires.

Well, there's barely room for an actual basketball, much less a court.

So, I don't think we should work together anymore.

Well, I wanted to get here early, you know, get a feel of the room. - So you got here-- - 3:00 A.M.

Well, I wanted to sneak in before you got here-- an absurd pipe dream I now realize was impossible.

Aw, thank you so much for making my life so wonderful. - You're welcome. - I was talking to him. - Of course. - But also to you.

So, if you miss me, you just look at this... Wrinkled, hideous monster and you'll know I'm sitting there rooting for you, okay?

Was all of this-- all the sneaking around, the scandal, losing your job-- Was it worth it? Yes. It was.

What could that possibly be good on? Butterscotch pudding.

Why didn't I resign in disgrace 12 years ago?

Well, they call me 'the Swiss Army Accountant.' They don't call me that.

Calc-you-later.

You're putting an awful lot of sal-gar on your pasta. This is just sugar.

I like you-- I've always liked you-- but I also like Eddie. Ed--who--who's Eddie? Eddie's my current CFO, but I might fire him and hire you.

You got kids? No. That's good. Dum-dum Eddie has two kids.

Are you nuts? This is probably the first time you've had off since you've been kid president. True or false? True.

Oh, my God, I'm pregnant. Wait, what? No, that's not it.

What about pizza? Pizza? Never heard of it.

Pizza is your grandfather's calzone.

The Low-Cal Calzone Zone.

With my claymaish? With your life. You are wildly, insanely depressed.

Do you think a depressed person could make this?

In fact, I... I e-mailed Leslie two days ago and I compared it to Avatar, Chris.

Ugh! It tastes like a belt.

INSIGHTFUL.

OH, MY GOD.

NO, I DON'T THINK I BELIEVE YOU. IS THERE ANYONE I CAN ASK?

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO LOOK LAID-BACK.

PUT THE PHONE DOWN, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, AND THEN YOU ARE GOING TO TELL STEVEN THAT YOU WILL BE TREATED WITH RESPECT, OKAY?

I-- I DON'T WORK HERE.

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY GOOD FRIEND, ANYONE ELSE.

I HAVE A LOT OF ADRENALINE RIGHT NOW.

NO, NO, TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT INJURIES.

APRIL WINS TWO TICKETS TO THE PAWNEE MONO-PLEX.

SURE.

Yachter Otter? Yep. Two months ago, I have a dream about a playboy otter lost at sea, and you make him real? I love it.

Oh. A bomb? It is a cryptex, like in that movie The Da Vinci Code, which was the first movie that you and I ever watched on Starz HD.

Have you tried... That's a four-letter word. Add an 'S'?

Did you try... Yes. Why is that everyone's first suggestion?

'Follow me to the sheltered snow. Only 22 clues left to go.' 22? Well, this is the woman I've chosen to love.

You really suck at this. Okay. Why don't you just tell me where it is, and I can get out of here? That would take all the fun out of it.

Weird stick. Might be a clue? No.

Ron, you're a genius. Li'l Sebastian. Yep. At first, you did not understand what made this tiny horse so special. And now, you love him more than I do.

I really tried to make that hard. Yeah. I'm very impressed with you.

Screw romantic dinners. Let's go rub it in their face. God, I love you so much.

Scottish? White. Whatever you are.

Been a long time, eh, Cap'n? Or Captain. 'Oh, Captain, my Captain.' From Dead Poets Society.

I'm not afraid of cops. I have no reason to be. I never break any laws, ever. Because I'm deathly afraid of cops.

Well, mo' money, mo' problems. That's what I always say. How about mo money, more protective Kevlar vests that save lives? (STAMMERING) Sometimes, I say that, too.

May I say that the boys in blue... Don't. Stop. ...are heroes. Obviously, some more than others. Oh, boy. Here it comes. 9l11. And we're walking.

Oh, you mean the whiz palace. Yes, Leslie calls it that sometimes. I know. It's kind of cute, right? Yeah, that's real cute.

Whizzingham Manor. That's another funny name for the bathroom that I thought of.

That information is... It's not pertinent, frankly, at this juncture. I just said to you one thing. And you're contriring me. I don't think that's a word.

What are you doing? I'm doing that. Are you serious? You brought it on yourself.

Pretty sweet sauce in there, eh, Ace? What's wrong with you? I don't know.

You're not waiting. No. It feels like you're being overly respectful of all these cops, and you're letting them go in all in front of you. No, no, no. I'm just standing here.

What did you just say? Nothing. Keep up the good work. You're doing great. [Chuckles]

I told her sorry. I don't talk politics after dinner.

Do you know Joe Biden? Oh, mm-hmm. He's on my celebrity sex list. Well, he is my celebrity sex list. Oh, trust me. You can do better than Joe. [Laughing] Oh, no. I don't-- I don't think I can.

Do you wish I were taller or-- what's going on?

He's making out with some floozy in Majorca. Sorry, I wish I was better at this. Then you could be making out with some floozy in Majorca.

Or maybe she thinks that we think that she thinks that, so we won't do it. But she knows that I know that she knows that-- She's in our heads.

Leslie's fashion show while Ben tries to prep her for interview

Are you hitting on Leslie... for me?

Maybe we should all just drink sensible portions of milk

She got the perfect puppy for that shot. She is good.

Is that a pig? Yes, that is a pig.

And that's a dog biscuit. Andy put them on the table because he wanted to try to have the dogs play poker.

Do you think Barack and Michelle Obama feel like this at the end of the day? So, am I Michelle?

I will not let you return to a life of shaving wieners and dodging knife attacks from meth heads.

Money doesn't just appear... Shh! Stop talking. I have half an idea and I'm putting it together.

Sweet! / No.

4 feet. Exact same size as the podium you use in the Parks department.

You could debate Newport in your sleep. / I have. / I know. We sleep in the same bed. It's been hell.

You're going to rip out his spine with your teeth and then chew it up and gargle with it.

When you attacked, you kind of came off like a bully, and he looked sympathetic, so, you know, y-you did a really good job of easing off.

Ah, screw it. Go get him. / Really? / Kick his ass.

No, I think you should deliver the news. / Yeah, but you're the candidate. / Yeah, but you're the brilliant campaign manager. / But you're the cutest. / I love you. / I love you too.

Ben's relief at being 'Eagle Two' instead of getting a sexual code name

Leslie's stump speech is 10 minutes and 40 seconds every time. Here, check this out. There will be a big laugh right... now.

And now, a two-second awkward silence after Leslie does her Rodney Dangerfield impression. I tell ya, these geese don't give me no respect. No respect at all. She insists on trying it every time, and it never works.

Yeah. That sounds great, but the Pacers called, and they're asking me to be their starting point guard.

Now, hang on. That's interesting.

Where did you get a Washington Monument figurine at midnight on a Tuesday? From my office. I have, like, 50 of them.

This just says, 'I can do what I want.' I am the director of the Parks Department and this is a park.

Were you talking to my butt? Yes.

Does anybody feel like they can't breathe? I think I need some fresh air. We're outside.

I thought you'd enjoy meeting numbers 4 and 26 on Leslie's List of Amazing Women.

"Box 1 of 12"?

definitely no Papyrus

they call me Devo, 'cause I can "whip 'em good."

13's just obnoxious.

what's up, my male? You grab a slice of 'za, brah.

We should lock down some tight disc grabs, am I right, ell-bones?

Someone please tell me we kodaked that moment.

All right, April, what's the score? 1,000 to 7.

Ell-bow. Ell-chupacabra. Drinkin' coffee.

it's from 40 years ago. Never mind.

Hey, man, I didn't draw it. Your daughter did. What? Her. April's not my daughter. She's my friend.

12%. 15. For God's sake, I'm asking for 15% effort. It's not supposed to be a negotiation.

I... finished it last week.

We'll jam out to some sweet tunage.

Actually, no. I don't want to go any more. / Just kidding. / We're not going. / Road trip! / So we're going? / Yes!

She's like the little sister I never had. Because the little sister I do have is normal and not terrifying.

Why aren't we moving? / Because. Other cars.

Well, uh, I kind of look at it like it's your favorite directors making a mix tape just for you.

Don't judge me.

Data had never felt this way before. Of course, data had never felt anything before. But Captain Picard couldn't help but note the smile that crept over his mechanical but lifelike face.

But especially me! / Especially everyone. / This was a team effort, really. But I was the best. Thank you. / You were all fantastic. Most of all me, April Ludgate, the real hero. Thank you and you're welcome.

Gone, but never forgotten. / Who was that? I'm just kidding.

Florida? They have sharks in Florida. And swamps. And swamp sharks. / Do you mean alligators? / Maybe.

I am deeply, ridiculously in love with you and above everything else, I just-- I wanna be with you forever.

Trick or treat! / It's November 8th.

All right, I got some, uh, calcium chews and, uh, a roll of cookie dough.

I've been telling everybody about it. I'm so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops. And she has. We've gotten several noise complaints.

Surprisingly, no. Larry Bird has not RSVP'd yet. Well, he kind of waits until the last minute. That's his style. Put him down as a 'maybe'.

One, put Twizzlers on the candy table. And, two, cancel the party.

Well, if there's anyone who can bring my parents together, it's no one. No one can ever bring them together.

My family situation is complicated. My parents got divorced 30 years ago, and they hate each other. Okay, I guess, it's not that complicated.

You and I go stargazing in Harvey James Park while my parents slowly strangle each other in the living room.

And, out of respect, I did not include any images of the only other man in the world who's as sexy as you, Joe Biden. Yes, you did, right there. Oh, well, that's just a little one.

I called a cab. It's outside. I gave the driver $100 to sit and wait. So, whenever we're ready to go, like, maybe, right now, all we have to do is walk outside.

Well, they're white people from Minnesota. So, hockey, fishing, skiing, sailing. And after a few drinks put on a Prince album.

Also, I have enough frequent flyer miles to get us to Australia tonight.

In ninth grade, a quilt ended an argument between my two best friends. And a quilt settled the Donna-Jerry parking lot feud of 2006. What was the third time? Right now.

I grabbed all of the brownies from the dessert table and four bottles of wine. Get in the car. We're going to Australia.

2020... Uh... that's a stretch. Fine. 2024.

I'll take the West Wing. You take the East Wing. You can be the first gentleman.

So just call me Bond, municipal bond.

Yeah, that joke killed at the accounting firm.

Your mission statement made sense, and you didn't use one R. Kelly lyric.

It seems like the kind of place a ska band would go to shoot heroin.

If it was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.

Well, formulas are my formula for moolah.

I mean, other than the stability and the health plan and the above-average pay. Oh, God, this better work out.

His name's Wreston St. James. He's from Eagleton. Oh, I've changed my mind.

The scientists think it's going to linger for another 40 years.

It's us.

Great. And then you can come to our wedding. Huh? What?

You want a carton of eggs and a loaf of bread. Yeah, just the pancake breakfast is fine.

Remain calm, but I think you just drank some of the regular, full-fat eggnog

I don't know if you know this, but things with fat in them taste way better than things with no fat. Yeah, Chris-- everybody knows that

Man, maybe going to therapy 1,000 times a week is helping. I mean, if you'd seen that picture a month ago, you would have fallen apart. It's just a picture

So Gayle and Jerry-- I've thought about it a lot. There's no logical explanation

The game is Settlers of Catan.

I mean, I'm nationally ranked, so it isn't even really fair.

Seven contiguous segments, giving me longest road and a sweet-ass ten points for the win. Oh, booyah!

Andy, guard him. Eh, he's too big. I can't see over him. It's not fair. I feel like everyone should be the same size.

Did I do basketball? Kind of.

Tom, what the hell are you doing? I'm pivoting. Ben told me to pivot. I told you you can pivot, not that you can only pivot. Stop pivoting!

Can I borrow $1,500? You're not allowed to ask what it's for. Fireworks.

Delicate little dough pocket filled with tomato sauce, cheese, and seasoned meat. Just a stunning culinary innovation. It was a calzone. It was literally just a small calzone.

You realize you've said that about all of them? Well, she has, every single time. 'Cause she is super hot. Honestly, you'd look hot naked.

She had the patch sewn in. You can't remove it. What's in the pocket, you ask? A ticket stub from a Fleetwood Mac concert in 1995

The calzones... betrayed me? Never again, guys. As God as my witness, they're dead to me.

That's beautiful. Did the Dalai Lama say that?

Yeah, and people could donate, or they could bid to put their names on everything in the park, like benches, cobblestones, trees, ants, air.

Should someone stop Jerry? Gayle! Eh, he'll figure it out eventually.

No offense, Ron, but I don't think you'd be great on TV. I can speak in full sentences, and I won't cry. Fair point. I did cry last time.

Leslie suggesting they order 200 white-chocolate top hats for the wedding

July 57th

Ben wanting Leslie to take his last name and become 'Councilwoman Mrs. Ben Wyatt'

Ben asking 'Where do I go?' after Leslie tells him to run

We saw the bus stop where a young Barack Obama used to sit and wait for the bus. - Theoretically. - It's possible.

Then we went and visited Honolulu City Hall... Well, it looked amazing, but it was closed.

Running the new Sweetums Foundation charity allows me to do that and work in an office with more mahogany wood than currently remains in the Amazon rain forest. So, win-win. Except for the rain forest.

Yeah, there's even a rumor going around that the chocolate is made of rat parts. Well... You know what they say about rumors. - Yeah. - They're mostly true.

Including the rat thing? - Yeah. What are you gonna do? It's where all the flavor comes from.

You came down here to pass on helping me? Yeah, I wanted to see what your face looked like when I said no. It was totally worth it.

It's called the Clean Sheet Foundation. They provide legal assistance to the KKK. This is your pick? Yeah. Can you pass the bonbons?

Tom, do you have to run that right now? Oh, no, Ben! These smoothies will just blend themselves!

Okay, smashing your phone won't stop hacking. That's also my phone.

Well, let me tell you something else that's interesting, Ben. What? I farted five minutes ago. Didn't even smell it till just now. That's how tight my pants are.

Then who is it? Well, he is, uh, sitting right here in this courtyard. That guy? Do you even know him? Oh, my God, Andy, it's you.

Why don't you make Tom your sack of flour, see how it feels to parent him a little?

You're a smart, successful young man with an adorable, little belly.

Much less a bran muffin, which is the highest honor that flour can achieve.

Coyote trap, dude... Yeah, we got, like, a huge vermin problem. I mean, we've been meaning to call somebody about it, but you know, nobody get on the phone.

You're the people you would be calling. That is so trippy.

Mr. Feinstein, with all due respect... you are a major dick. / Run!

Ben's calendar showing Leslie's absurd number of anniversaries including 'Talk Like A Pittsburgh Pirate day'

"It's like being smothered with a hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories."

Calendar Day present celebrating the first time she ever bought me a calendar

This is why we don't hang out

"The only ones he gets are spam. And he responds to them."

There's pictures in there. Oh! There are pictures. There are lots of pictures.

Because every memory deserves to be chronicled. Even the saggy ones.

Probably would've got more stuff done if I hadn't spent so much time brainstorming scrapbook titles.

Well, Jerry was never really the type to rise above mediocrity or to it.

As I suspected--airtight.

Like, was she a Russian spy and the KGB forced her to marry Jerry as a cover? You know, it's a mystery, Ben. Let it go.

Hey, maybe Gayle has one of those Oliver Sacks brain disorder thingies? Like, does she think Jerry is a friendly hat?

I am? You drove here. Nah, it's too late, bro. I already ordered the water. I don't know what you want me to do.

And somehow I just ended up becoming the designated driver. And paying for everyone. And I didn't get to choose the bar. I should be more assertive.

Together, as a town, we lost an amount of weight equal to 800 pregnant manatees.

When we went to Hawaii, you woke me up at 3:00 A.M. to watch Meet the Press.

Oh, no, I just. I got a fly.

That's the sexiest thing you've ever said to me.

Hey, Dr. Buttons-- I mean, my old calculator. It doesn't have a name.

Auditing bros! Yeah, and auditing sistah. Let's do this.

Damn it. You look beautiful.

This is a budget meeting.

Their debt-to-equity ratio is ridonkulous.

Do you like apples? / How about them apples?

Was a bankruptcy brunch the best idea? / Sure, let's not have brunch... like animals.

Why do people keep assuming I'm ready to catch things?

Like a majestic alley-oop. You're all amazing! You're all fired. Teamwork.

we were always just beat at the end of the day. I actually think it's something else.

What are these weird symbols? The man who kills me will know.

I mean, obviously, accountants are a little more bad boy, but, uh, there's a respect there.

I've been talking to Ron about estate planning, and he is here to do some 'Good Will Hunting.' Because he has to draw up a new will, so--

Oh, come on, Trevor. Where there's a 'Will,' there's a way.

I'm gonna say this one last time, Wyatt. Check the accountant crap at the door. Yes, sir, I will. Unintentional.

Oh, you're joking. Yes, son, I am. First joke ever. Don't care for it.

Wow, 5 whole percent. So, I guess you are gonna teach them a lesson. Oh, my God, that's 5%? That is a lot of money.

Ron, I'm-- I'm incredibly flattered. Ralph Piatkowski and his wife Helen. He's the Maitre D' at Mulligan's Steakhouse, and he knows me better than anyone.

I'm so sorry. I just get excited when you like me.

Give me those votes. / I don't have them on me.

I could be one of those dudes that kisses mannequins or whatever. But I like a woman in skates. A lot.

He's got Monster, but not Automatic for the People. / Wow. / I know. It's like, what is this, a mid-'90s party?

She is filibustering on roller skates? / She's going to be strapped into those things for hours. / I swear to God, this is like a crazy sex fantasy for me.

How long have I been talking? Three hours? / No, eight minutes.

This is literally the most exciting thing that I have ever seen.

Well, maybe the birthday party she's throwing for me right now.

Once she starts thinking about birthday cake, she's basically useless until she eats birthday cake.

We want someone from Eagleton to represent our interests on the new City Council. / Sir, I formally revoke our hug.

She's dancing around like she's a character in one of those Peanuts cartoons.

She didn't have time to hug me, but she could do that?

Maybe I should put those roller skates back on. / Well, you must be exhausted. We don't have to go to the party. / Oh, we're not going to the party. We're going home. / Then, why would you need to put on roller skates? / Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're just... Just. Skates.

A poster announcing the new Lilith Fair concert. It's fake, but it'll buy us an hour.

We even have a secret hand signal in case we think she needs help. It's loosely based on the Klingon greeting salute. I just learned that. And if I had known, I would not have agreed to it.

♪ I got-a the pizza, pizza time, it's-a pizza time! / Larry, everyone is miserable, and you are only making it worse.

I was impeached when I was 18, and it was brutal.

Oh, God, did I peak when I was 18?

Good-bye, world traveler. Later, bro Heisen

Don't let her get a tattoo. / What the hell happened? / I couldn't help it. She's so cute when she's coming up with destructive ideas.

You guys are weird. Thank you.

If you can look at that site and not want to take home 50 dogs, you're basically a war criminal.

Are the cones a metaphor? Well, yes and no.

This is nothing, right? When do you go back to work again? Tomorrow. It's fine. I'll just throw this in the garbage.

Baby, if you can still hear me, I love you. The phone is hung up.

If I'm murdered tonight, start the investigation with those two guys.

I would like to buy five DVDs of this. No, 20. No, 60! No, that's insane. 20.

Wait a second. That's not pizza. Those are calzones! I love calzones!

Those are calzones! I love calzones! We know!

You can play with one warrior, but it's just not nearly as good.

A nice candle. I'm screwed.

Is there an option other than yes or no?

It's basically a dumping ground for old shipping containers. It's like a raccoon shantytown.

Everyone is the best. We're cutting vacation time

Wow. Thi--you got me. Good one, makin' me think I was gonna like die in federal prison... Ah, that's super funny, you scamps.

I once did the best prank of all time. I dumped all of my boss's action figures into a fish tank. Yeah, that was me. And I didn't really like it

I hired these guys in ski masks to kidnap us, and I was gonna pretend to be a hero

They were gonna shoot me and drive the van into the river, and that's when the divers would go in

Enough with the mousse, for real

What! What!

I think our love made him angry. I think he broke my wrist. I'm not kidding.

By 'rules of conduct,' do you mean that wooden sign you made that says, 'Peas be kind to others'?

No, it's ridiculous to think that you could survive a nuclear blast by jumping into a refrigerator.

I like to think of it as celery with B.O.

Ha-ha! Bank! Private property. Firewall restored! Ha-ha-ha!

I feel like I'm arguing with the sun.

This is 'un-charded' territory for us.

Well, if this is the way people want to buy their produce, so be it. This town is full of lunatics.

2008 Indiana state audit spreadsheets? Man, that year was insane! That was the year you went from being an auditor to a legend.

There's also a sign that says 'Especially Leslie Knope.' Well, Leslie Knope is a very common name. There's a professor in Copenhagen named Leslie Knope. They probably mean him.

Leslie can't watch anything with Julie Andrews in it before bedtime because it gets her too hyper.

You wrote this, didn't you? - I did. - They cut it way down. - Thank God.

She will make that stupid face!

Like, was it a hypnosis accident or something, where they put Gayle under and made her fall in love with Larry and never said the magic word to snap her out of it?

Just thinking about the new Star Wars sequel. I'm afraid they're gonna rely too heavily on CGI. And I'm carrying it all in my shoulders.

Larry, would you like to get a couples massage with me?

I watched Enchanted three times to get all the details right. And then another two times, because that movie is amazing.

Good sir, tally ho. God, that... from the movie! That is definitely from the movie.

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. Yes. No. Yes. No!

Come here. Come hither, peasant. Come here. Who are you? Our starship is in trouble.

The department of the interior's resident bad boy?

And dork-asaurus over here is gonna handle the boring stuff. / You said you genuinely valued my business acumen. / Also, I'm your boss.

pearlies for girlies. / It's unisex. / The cartoon princess on the label says so.

Everyone ignores Ben's proud presentation of the website features to focus entirely on a panda mascot playing ping-pong

Leslie, I told you, I'm not gonna participate in your weird Julia Roberts, cameraman husband fantasy.

The current leader is 'Pawnee, welcome to Douche nation.'

Look what they did to Peebo. He's wearing a hat made of penises.

Then I'm sure you are okay with the fact that they installed the sign the wrong way and it's welcoming you to Pawnee as you're leaving.

Leslie, I love you, very much. But this is the stupidest thing you've ever said. You'd be amazing. And everyone's gonna be in awe of how amazing you are, so just shut your month.

I mean, I can talk about Sandra Bullock skirt length.

Larry isn't that bad. He's nice. And frankly, I don't care who knows that I said that, as long as no one knows that I said that.

I like Larry. He is a good friend and a fine man with an inexplicably gorgeous wife-- I mean, to the point where it makes no sense at all.

O, captain, my captain.

God! Sorry! Sorry! What's happening? I can't hear! And I'm dying!

Well, this just keeps getting weirder.

Well, I thought you'd never ask, because we're nearing 40.

Eew and boo.

I had a show called 'Zoot Suit Wyatt' on Carleton College radio. Tuesdays from 3:00 to 5:00 A.M., I was the king of swing.

What is happening right now?

I hope that high school auditorium's big enough, 'cause I'm bringing 10,000 maniacs.

How am I supposed to keep my Husker Du albums in near-mint condish?

like for example the incident with the girls' soccer uniforms back in '05... They wrote all the team names in pink. Nobody told them to do that.

Ben to Ron: 'Did you not hear me say there was no need to discuss it with me?'

Ben: 'You're a terrible person to discuss personal problems with.' Ron: 'Thank you, friend. That really means a lot to me.'

Ben on phone: 'Hey, honey. Hey. Uh, it's your me. It's wife. It's Leslie. Knope.'

Ben's drunk synagogue story: 'Just like the time they couldn't decide who gets the dog, so they just dropped it off at the local synagogue. I was, like, Say what?'

Ben: 'I was just saying to Ron that my dog's Jewish.'

Ben: 'Because it doesn't exist because that's nonsense because you're an adult.'

Ben: 'Yeah, I don't feel any better. I'm still angry. Damn it.'

You're stressing out for two now.

The baby has two bodies?

All right, all right. All right.

I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing, and I love you.

covering everything from the culture of Southern California to drug use in Southern California

No idea.

Sure, obviously, we're no Akron. I mean, we're more like Dayton. But with your help, we can become Toledo.

Every time someone in Pawnee clicks through a slideshow of American Music Award red carpet sideboob fails, they'll say, 'Thank you, Ben Wyatt.'

There can't be an alchemist of the Hinterlands. The Hinterlands is a shadow kingdom that can only sustain a provost or a denier.

I move my abbot to the ocean hex, which moves my brinksman to the devil's lair, and pushes my farmer, yes, my humble farmer, directly into the central cone.

Yeah, man! We did it! This whole company is ours! Oh, no, it's not. That's mine. That's mine. It's all mine.

I mean, people are playing with my cones, babe.

Wait. I'm on Endor. These are the redwoods George Lucas used to create the forest moon of Endor.

What? Larry's great. Have you lost your mind?

They give tours. Yeah. That's exactly how they'll be expecting me to try to break in.

No idea.

In fact, a lot of people go to the library just to order pizza online.

Sure, obviously, we're no Akron. I mean, we're more like Dayton. But with your help, we can become Toledo.

So instead, let me say, 'Nah, bro.' How is that better?

Every time someone in Pawnee clicks through a slideshow of American Music Award red carpet sideboob fails, they'll say, 'Thank you, Ben Wyatt.'

You're The Architect? Yeah, right. And I'm the alchemist of the Hinterlands.

There can't be an alchemist of the Hinterlands. The Hinterlands is a shadow kingdom that can only sustain a provost or a denier.

Neither. I'm the maverick.

It's about the cones.

I mean, people are playing with my cones, babe.

Sorry, that's not why we're here. Let's go.

Oh, this is Lester Kanopf. No, you know... Okay. Bye. Smoothly handled, Lester. Yeah. I panicked.

Come work for us at the accounting firm? Okay. No, sorry, I can't. Wow. Shortest one yet.

Ben, how many bags of marshmallows do I give them? None. Just let April do everything.

The guy whose name you forbid me from saying out loud because it fills you with rage.

Wait. You don't think this is all an elaborate setup to pelt me with things, do you?

And thank you to Tom for that moving tribute to you.

That it doesn't count as stripping if no one pays you? Yes, she did say that.

I'll let you rename the triplets Ruth, Bader, and Ginsburg.

I left a rusty hacksaw on the table, so the first person who hacks their face off gets release.

Game of Thrones is on tonight. It's the series finale. Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow. Oh, God, that show has really gone off the rails.

Whoa! Open your door?

All three of them just bumped into each other and broke everything you own.

I--I don't know what that was.

What's that horrible sound? - Children. - Ugh, your life is gross.

Or woman. I mean, equal rights. No, that doesn't apply.

Nope, too hard.

Well, I hope that you are a podiatrist or a dentist, because I seem to have a case of foot-in-mouth disorder.

What? It's you! I love you! You're my sexy roommate. We love each other.

And I am Ben Wyatt, and I very much approve this message!

♪ 8-6-7-5-3-0-9 ♪ I love that song. ♪ Jenny, I've got your number ♪

And I'm holding zebras.

Any time your name comes up, I panic and change the subject to the Twin Peaks reboot until she gets bored.

It is 'actuarily' very good to see you guys.

April's ALF photograph résumé

This is the Lady Gaga of scavenger hunts. A complete work of genius wrapped up in a disorienting mix of confusing cultural red herrings.

Ron immediately solves the puzzle with complex cryptex and columnar transposition explanation while Ben stands shocked

I love watching those squashes fly through the air. I kind of like the way they land. Me, too.

I already made my pump up mix. There's a surprising amount of Pat Benatar.

I was talking to Leslie. Me, Leslie? Yeah.

Well, it only took three hours for Jen to be right.

Okay, snacks given, kids tucked in, books read, three simultaneous meltdowns for no reason, kids tucked back in, one of them briefly got outside somehow, kids back in bed, they're all napping.

Babe, the oven's ready. Chop-chop, time to get bakin'. Daddy want pie.

Okay, picture this... Crust on the bottom. Filling. Crust on top. What am I describing? A pie. No. But you're in the right 'zone.'

Pies are just sweet calzones, honey. And I'm good at making calzones.

Talking 'bout the highway to the calzone zone

Now, pack your suitcases, because we're going to a little town Called Napoli... In Italy.

I love how independent my wife is, and because of that, I will not let her speak.

I love how independent my wife is, and because of that, I will not let her speak. That came out wrong.

By the way, who is taking care of the kids right now? My mom, babe. Everything's fine.

Congratulations, Ben Wyatt, you are this year's IOW Woman of the Year. Son of a bitch.

Nothing is impossible, kids. / Teleportation is impossible.

You asked me to do this. This was a favor... / [BORING BUZZER]

Winter is coming for Ser Ben Lightstorm.

Oh, yeah, you completely disgraced yourself and destroyed an entire town.

Really? So you were born in the 1990s? Ooh! Mmhmm.

I spent so long trying to forget about Ice Town, but it's part of my life. I mean, it set me on this path. It led me to Pawnee, to my job, to Leslie. I like that Ice Town happened, and I don't want to erase it.

Garry Gergich, how would you like to be the next mayor of Pawnee, Indiana? No!

Perhaps we could skip ahead and just hit the highlights? Ah! The debate about getting a pod-based coffee machine.

And I am the Lamplighter, a character from my new board-game sequel 'Cones of Dunshire: Winds of Tremorrah.' Gameplay Magazine called it 'punishingly intricate.'

All right. Let's play. Really? No.

Take one of our kids. We don't need all three.

Can you at least call me Ben? No can do, accounting nerd.

Hey, all my data suggests that the country is definitely trending calzone. Yeah. Ugh. The worst.

Congratulations. You now own 51% of the Lagavulin Distillery.

Boring Buzzer sound effect

You asked me to do this. This was a favor...

Winter is coming for Ser Ben Lightstorm.