Ben Wyatt

April · Derek · Ben:April introduces her relationship: 'This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben. / Derek is gay, but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and Ben's really gay for Derek. / And I hate Ben.'

Leslie · Ben · Derek:Leslie: 'This one is on us.' / 'Well, if it's free...' — Leslie immediately abandons her plan because the drinks are free

Derek · Ben:Derek and Ben arrive. Ben: 'It's totally okay that you didn't wear a costume.' / Derek: 'I did. I'm a straight person.'

Derek · Ben · Mark Brendanawicz:Ann's friends immediately preferring Andy over Mark: 'So, you're the Mark that Ann is dating.' / 'We're very protective of Ann... So you kind of dropped the ball with Andy then, didn't you?'

Ben:I knew, eventually, somehow, being in a relationship with you would totally pay off.

Ben · Unknown Advisor:Ben asks for advice about asking Ann to move in, then interrupts the advisor mid-sentence with 'I intend to marry her.'

Mark · Ben:Mark and Ben have a thoughtful conversation about city gridlock and red tape — then Mark's talking head: 'I have no idea what I was saying.'

Leslie · April · Ann · Ben:A puppy arrives in the office and multiple adults immediately lose their minds over it — 'Puppy! A puppy is here! Can we keep him?'

Leslie · Tom · Ben:No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon. / No. She should be on the hot air balloon, and you should ride up on horseback. / Oh. Wait. She's in the balloon, you ride up on horseback, you point to the sky, up there, skywriting, 'Marry me, Ann.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben, one-on-one with Leslie, opens with 'I really like your shirt' before pivoting to asking where the waste is in her department

Ben · Leslie:Ben asks what Tom can tell him about Jerry Gergich; Leslie calls him 'one of the best people on the planet' and says firing him would cause a revolt

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'You're a jerk.' Ben: 'I'm sorry?' Leslie: 'Easy.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'This building has feelings? Maybe. There's a lot of history in this one, maybe it does.'

Leslie · Ann · Ben:Leslie tells Ben to leave: 'I just talked to everybody in this bar and nobody wants you here.' then after he leaves, Ann says 'Leslie, that was so professional. I'm so proud of you.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben's response to 'you're an ass': 'You wanna get a beer?' / Leslie: 'It's like 10:30 in the morning.' / Ben: 'Yeah. You seem like you could use a beer.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben reveals he was once the 18-year-old mayor of Partridge, Minnesota. Leslie: 'Why does that sound familiar?'

Ben:Ben explains: 'Here's the thing about 18-year-olds. They're idiots. So I pretty much ran the place into the ground after two months and got impeached. Worst part was, my parents grounded me.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'What was that song you played at the swearing-in ceremony?' Ben: 'Whoomp! There it is is what it was, yeah.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben do 'Whoomp! There It Is' at the bar — they both know the song and sing along together awkwardly/delightedly

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben toast and she does a 'Mr. Mayor' riff: 'Oh, no, please, Mr. Mayor. Let me.' Then they play 'Whoomp! There It Is' on a jukebox.

Leslie · Ben:'I have to get ready for the Chamber of Secrets.' / 'Commerce.'

Leslie · Ben:'Do you want me to write you a rap? I'll write you a rap.' / 'No, you know what? You're never going to be able to pull it off. You're too white.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie has escaped the hospital, is wearing a scarf, and asks Ben: 'Does this scarf look okay? I don't want to look stuffy. But I also don't want to look too schlubby.'

Leslie · Ben:Ben encounters fever-Leslie at the Chamber of Commerce: 'I looked at the meter, and it had Egyptian hieroglyphics on it.' / 'Do you know the exchange rate?'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'Be careful.' / Ben: 'What?' / Leslie: 'The floor and the wall just switched.'

Leslie · Ben:Fever-Leslie engages in a mini policy debate: 'Libertarianism is all about individual liberty. And it should never be defined by the terms liberal or conservative.' / 'And communism is no good, right? That's right.' / 'Big swing and a miss.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie's fever-brain quiz: 'And what's the word for when a few clerics are in charge?' / 'Religious oligarchy.' / 'Holy (BLEEP). I can remember things.'

Leslie · Ben:'I vomited somewhere in this room. I don't remember where, though.' / 'Wait. You might want to check that drawer.'

Ben:'Stop pooping.'

Tom · Ben:Tom reveals his 'spa buddies' secured 25 vans from their car dealerships for the Harvest Festival — his laziness accidentally became a networking win.

Ben:Ben's sports metaphors comparing Leslie's speech to 'a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBA Finals' and 'Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer off of Dennis Eckersley' — then: 'That was Leslie Knope.'

Ben · Chris:Ben and Chris discuss their new assignment; Chris is about to go for 'a light 15k' despite having just been hospitalized.

Ben:Final 'Way to go, buddy. Way to go.' — Ben saying it to himself after Chris leaves, mirroring the earlier line Ann said after Chris confirmed their date.

Ben · Leslie:Ben's reaction to Leslie's 'Then we shall bring the pipe to them': 'Oh, no.' Leslie: 'Oh, yes.' Ben: 'What does that mean?' Leslie: 'Crackpot convention.'

Forum Citizens · Ben:The forum descends into chaos: 'You promised!' / 'Go back to Russia, commie!' / 'Hey, you go back to Russia!' / 'And you go back to wherever you came from!' / Ben: 'Why would I go to Russia? I have no interest in traveling to Russia. Can I just say that?'

Ben · Chris:Ben aside to Chris about the forum chaos: 'This time capsule's tearing this town apart.' Chris's response: 'You're leaving soon. Can I blame it on you in the press?' Ben: 'Sure.'

Ben · Leslie · Tom:Ben suggests salads for the cops; Leslie says 'Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.' Tom adds: 'Yeah, Ben, these guys are cops, not ballerinas.'

Tom · Ben:Tom's talking head about imagining Ron with a cape while 'plowing' his ex-wife, and Ben accidentally making it worse.

Chief Trumple · Ben · Leslie:Chief Trumple tells Ben 'I just said it was good pizza' when Ben calls it 'dynamite' — then immediately says 'You know what I like? Calzones.'

Ben:Ben's horrified talking head: 'What the hell is wrong with this guy?' after the calzone reveal.

Ben · Chief Trumple:Ben returns to the chief to ask the real favor. Chief: 'Hey, calzone boy, what's up?' Ben: 'Well, here's hoping that nickname doesn't stick.'

Chief Trumple · Ben:Chief: 'You mean, like calzone-sized?' Ben: 'Ah! Sure.'

Chief Trumple · Ben:Chief explains why Leslie gets unlimited favors: 'She's the kind of person who uses favors to help other people.' Then: 'Also, my buddy Dave was the crankiest bastard in the department till he started dating Leslie.'

Ben · Chief Trumple:Chief: 'What do you care? You a pervert?' Ben: 'Nope, nope. I'm all good. Um, everything's fine. This is fine.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben trade location names for a calzone restaurant: 'over in Idiotville,' 'down on Terrible Idea Avenue,' 'on Beating-a-Dead-Horse Boulevard.'

Ben:Ben declares 'I'm going to type every word I know!' and then types: 'Rectangle. America. Megaphone. Monday. Butthole.'

Crazy Ira · Ben:Camera host notes: 'I really wish you guys could see this guy right now. He is drenched in sweat.' Ben is visibly falling apart on air.

Ben:Ben's talking head about Facebook friends — 'Hey, Doug from Bloomington is thinking about buying a shirt. I mean, come on, Doug, who cares?'

Tom · Ben:'Hey, champ.' / 'Hey, champ...ion.'

Ben · Tom:Ben's alternative evening: the motel owner screening 'Hope Floats' in the lobby and inviting him to watch

Ben:Ben tells the bartender he knows Tom — 'Tom Hammen... Hammenstein... Haverford' — trying to get a free drink

Tom · Ben:Tom vouches for Ben by confirming he has money — Ben immediately says 'Yes.' then 'No.'

April · Ben:April and Ben's free stuff competition at the Snakehole — pigs in a blanket, mints, eventually $38 and $180 in tips

Ben:'I got this from a waiter. I told him I had a pork deficiency.'

Tom · Ben:Tom approaches Dennis Feinstein: 'I'm the Yoda of networking' / Ben: 'Well, Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. His powers were more spiritual.'

Ben:Mint/gum exchange — bartender is 'out of everything, sir'

Tom · Ben:Ben, dejected about Tommy Fresh, gets comforted by Tom who says: 'I can smell your dreams, Tom. And honestly, they smell ing terrible.'

April · Ben:April wins the free stuff competition with $180 in tips

April · Ben:'We should give it back.' — followed by: they keep the toilet paper

Ben · Tom:Ben orders a Miller Lite — Tom: 'Everybody knows. That's your drink.'

Tom · Ann · Ben:Everyone at the Snakehole knew Ann kissed Chris post-breakup — 'We were all seriously confused about that. Who's we? What are you...? Oh, God.'

Tom · Ben · April:Tom sprays Dennis Feinstein with Tommy Fresh through his car window as revenge

Ben · Leslie · Tom · Ron · Ann · Chris:The entire office erupts in disbelief and joy at seeing Li'l Sebastian while Ben watches, confused.

Tom · Ben:'Man, you are just knocking these off. You're like a ninja crossed with a Jedi, or something. You're like a nerd mixed with a dork or something.'

Ben · Tom:'Tom, Star Wars is not that nerdy.' / 'No, Star Wars is not that nerdy. It's not, everyone's seen it.'

Ken Hotate · Ben · Leslie:The battle of Indian Hill: 93-year-old Chief Wakote was 'shot 102 times by the cavalry.' Ben asks, 'Did he die?' Ken says, 'Yes.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben saying 'Take that, curse!' after getting the cotton candy donation.

Ben · Leslie:Ben and Leslie's Teddy bear negotiation: 'I'm gonna win you a million Teddy bears.' / 'Well, I want a billion Teddy bears.' / 'Well, that's a little unrealistic. This is a hard game. Two million.'

Ben · Joan Callamezzo:Joan asks Ben about Ice Town, then he adds unprompted: 'I was also short-stop on my JV baseball team. No one ever brings that up.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben say 'Take that, curse!' again, then immediately panic-face when asked what the curse is.

Ben · Unknown:Leslie explains the triple/quadruple lightning rod situation: 'Plus we lost that little pony.' / 'It's a mini horse!' as an aside amid crisis.

Ben:Ben's analysis: 'This is a huge government project, already a lightning rod. Wamapoke controversy — double lightning rod. Lost the little pony — triple lightning rod. The curse — quadruple lightning rod.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben: 'Wait, I'm sorry. Do people in this town really believe in curses?' / Leslie: 'Oh, no. No. We all just behave rationally and believe we are all in charge of our own destinies. Come on.'

Joan Callamezzo · Tom · Ben:Joan: 'You were in charge of watching a tiny horse, and you failed.' Tom: 'Look, I'm only gonna say this once. What if Li'l Sebastian is on this Ferris wheel?' / 'How about you only say that never.'

Ben:Ben: 'Look, you were totally fine until I got involved. So I feel like I should probably just go... I'm the curse, I think.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie tells Ben: 'Ice Town was a disaster. And it seems like it was probably your fault. From what I can tell, you mismanaged the hell out of it.'

Wamapoke Representative · Ben:A Wamapoke representative finds Ben after the ceremony and wipes his dirty face, saying 'Oh gosh, you're filthy. Go clean yourself up. Try to look professional.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben at the end: 'I don't get it. At all. It's kind of a small horse. I mean, what am I missing? Am I crazy?' / 'Hey, Ben, you just missed it. He whinnied.' / 'Oh, yeah, no. I totally heard that. It was great.'

Ben · Andy:Ben is asked to bring 'Avatar and 50 pairs of 3D glasses and a 3D-capable television' to a dinner party.

Leslie · Ben:Leslie's 'big advice' to Ben about his career dilemma is: 'Make a pros and cons list. That always works for me.'

Tom · Ben:Tom asks Ben if he's going on 'a year-long walking tour of the set of The Lord of the Rings in New Zealand.' Ben: 'I wasn't a fan of Peter Jackson's interpretation. So you can put that one away.'

Andy · Ron · Chris · Jerry · Ben:Andy asks Ron, Chris, Jerry, Derek, and Ben to all be his best men — having already asked Tom.

Ben:Ben on Andy and April's short relationship: 'Wow. My Brita filter is older than their relationship.'

Ben:Ben immediately follows up: 'Wait a second. Should I change my Brita filter?'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben realize Orin is standing directly behind Leslie. Ben: 'Orin's behind me, isn't he?' / 'Don't panic, 'cause he can smell fear.' Then immediately: 'Run.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben fumbles his words trying to compliment Leslie, landing on 'paws' before correcting to 'fingers'

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris casually references 'your affair with Tom Haverford' while trying to argue about inter-government relationship rules

Chris · Ben:Chris forces Ben to say hello to Cindy on the phone, then narrates 'Ooh, sparks are flying! I may have to call the fire department. That's a government joke.'

Tom · Ben:Tom assumes Ben's roommate question is about a hot woman, and when Ben clarifies it's himself looking, Tom protests: 'Oh, come on, that's not fair. You shouldn't have led me to believe it was a beautiful woman.'

Ben:Ben's description of the Pawnee Supersuites Motel: 'It's a charming little inn with wonderfully random wake-up calls, delightfully unstable temperatures, and, as of yesterday, bedbugs. "Four stars!" Says nobody.'

Tom · Ben:Tom describes his seduction ritual in detail: couch, hand clap, lights dim, Boyz II Men fades in — while Ben tries to cut him off at every step

April · Ben:April's bizarre house rules: can't use the front door (climb through back window), no personal phone calls, speak to her in formal 'usted' in Spanish, no electricity after 6pm

Andy · April · Ben:Andy confirms April is joking about the no-electricity rule, then April confirms the no-TV-after-breakfast rule, and Andy clarifies she's lying again — 'because it's hard to tell'

April · Ben:April offering Ben gum in the aftermath of all the bizarre house rules, with Ben just saying 'Mm-hmm' — the casualness after insanity is the joke

Ben · Andy · April:April and Andy's apartment is revealed to be a disaster — described as a total mess despite having just been wed three weeks ago at their wedding which happened in the apartment

Ben · Andy · April:Ben notices they are 'frying marbles' on the stove

Jerry · Leslie · Ben · Tom:Jerry reveals the Greek myth centaur painting, and it's clearly a nude portrait of Leslie attached to a horse

Ben:Ben: 'That's what you see when you close your eyes at night, Jerry — topless Leslie glued to a horse.'

Ben:Ben wakes up with no bed: 'Well, there were no bedbugs. Also no bed.'

April · Ben:April is eating turkey chili off a Frisbee for breakfast

Ben:Ben: 'Do you know what "cute" means?' in response to April calling the turkey-chili-Frisbee situation 'cute'

Andy · April · Ben:Andy and April explain they have no dishes because Burly took them all when he moved out; Ben starts to sympathize and Andy says 'Now I bet you feel like a jerk.'

April · Ben:Ben declares he will teach Andy and April to be adults; April responds with 'Gee, golly, thanks, mister' — dripping with sarcasm

Ben · April:Ben teaches laundry: 'You always separate your lights from your darks.' / April: 'That's racist.'

Andy · April · Ben:Andy and April wash their clothes in bubble bath: 'Eh, bubble bath, clothes soap, same thing.' / Ben: 'No, it's not.' / April: 'Well, they both make bubbles, so...'

Ben · Andy:Ben opens the freezer to retrieve the bills and finds them there — a visual confirmation of Andy's insane system

Ben · Andy · April:Ben attempts to teach checkbook balancing, then bank account opening — each lesson is visually worse than the last, implying failure with each cut

Ben · Andy · April:Ben asks if they bought plates; Andy and April reveal they didn't; Ben: 'Oh, plates.' — the realization tone implies he forgot plates too

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris tries to set Ben up again immediately after learning the Cindy date failed, suggesting 'Shelly from the health-food store' whose 'brother died climbing Everest'

Ben:Ben on the phone with Gail reassuring her: 'I'm not gay, neither is Jerry, and I didn't pose for him.'

Ben:Final line of the episode: 'And poundcake... am I right?'

Ben:Ben on whether the Eagleton side of the park is better: 'To be fair, yeah. Our side is this scrappy piece of land where kids go to smash fluorescent light tubes. But it has a lot of heart.'

Lindsay · Ben:Lindsay calls Ben 'Dan' and when corrected says 'It's not important' / 'It won't come up again'

Ben:Ben's confessional about Eagleton: 'Yes, Eagleton is nicer than Pawnee. And yes, because of their cupcake factory, the air always smells like vanilla.'

Ben:Ben describes his Ann party experience: 'She kidnapped me from work, took me to Señor Vega's with the mariachi band and sombrero, everyone sings Happy Birthday, went back home, everyone I knew, face painting, I had my face painted like a fairy tiger. Also, she did it a week before so I had no idea. And then there was a bouncy castle. Did you know they make those for adults?'

Tom · Ben:Eagleton gift bags at the public forum contain an iPod touch, verbena-scented soy candles

Ron · Leslie · Ben · Chris:Ron is called into a meeting by Ben and Chris expecting more birthday party horror — walks in to find a small private room with just a few close colleagues

Leslie · Ben:Leslie says 'I was thinking about you when I wrote it' about a year-over-year maintenance cost analysis, then immediately tries to cover it up

Ben · Leslie:Ben calls Leslie 'Lesliemin' after she awkwardly says 'Benjamin. Ben.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben: 'Yeah, so, basically every dorm allows bed lofting, but the students have really taken to it at Wolman and McCoy.' Beat. 'Did you go to Johns Hopkins?' Ben: 'No.'

Leslie · Ben:The road trip CD: 'Jimmy Carter's Crisis of Confidence speech, Learning to Speak Mandarin, 16 minutes of Old Timey Car Horn, and something called Banjo Boogie Bonanza'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben discuss the banjo: 'It's an amazing instrument, the banjo.' 'Yeah. I didn't realize it could be this loud.'

Leslie · Ben:Whale sounds on the road trip CD

Ben · Ann:Ben discovers an Al Green song hidden in the CD: 'Oh, no, no, no. This is such a great song.' Ann in confessional: 'I want them to get together. Sue me.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben removes an eyelash from Leslie's face: 'Make a wish.' Immediately: 'Learning to speak Mandarin. Unit three. Get away from me.'

Ben:Ben: 'I'm allergic to fingers.'

Ben:Ben's confessional with a photo of his little brother

Committee Member · Leslie · Ben:News report: Pawnee's raccoon infestation 'wreaking havoc' at the State Little League Championship — used against them in the presentation

Leslie · Ben:Leslie's speech about Pawnee being 'special' — and the camera cuts to her and Ben's faces

Ben · Leslie:Ben awkwardly invites the photographer to dinner: 'Hey, we were thinking about going to dinner, photographer. You want in? You wanna grab some grub?... They have great burgers... Come on, photographer. Last chance.'

Ben:Ben's confession speech: 'The town has really nice blond hair, too, and has read a shocking number of political biographies for a town, which I like.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben's awkward couch moment: 'This is weird.' 'We're on Chris' couch.' 'Yep, we are.' 'And I'm wearing his clothes.'

Ben:Ben is excited about 'The History of the Ladder': 'O-M-G. Leslie, I read that same article. It's utterly fascinating.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie shares cave painting ladder fact: '...the original image of a ladder is in a cave in Valencia, Spain, drawn over 10,000 years ago.' Ben: 'Oh, my God. How about some music?'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie's confessional: 'I think it's good that Chris showed up, 'cause I wasn't thinking clearly.' Beat. Then Ben arrives with receipts.

Ben · Leslie:Chris's assistant arrives with receipts. 'He's not here. He took off.' Beat: 'Uh-oh.'

Ben · Leslie:I think at some point, you and I should probably make out with each other. Yeah, good call.

Ben:The best part of any relationship is the beginning. No problems, no fights. Just white wine, cuddling, and crazy amounts of History Channel documentaries.

Ben · Leslie:Is that any relation? No. Oh, okay. Just a coincidence. We get it all the time. We laugh about it. But I've never met her. She's Filipino.

Marlene · Ben:The county school district needs four new school buses. I'm being stonewalled by the board, and I'm hoping your office can help us out. Okay. Really? That's it? Yeah. Actually, no. It's probably not possible. Then I'm confused, Ben, because you just told me it was. Five seconds ago.

Ben:I mean, at one point, for no reason, I just took off my shoes and held them in my hand.

Leslie · Ben:When I first met you, I thought you were a fascist hard-ass. What? A cute fascist hard-ass, but still, you give off a very...

Ben:Well, now that I'm a pushover, why not ask for 10, or 20, or 100 new school buses and a fleet of school yachts?

Leslie · Ben:Hello. Wrong. What? No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking. I'd like to discuss the new school bus. I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss.

Ben:Deliverance, the movie?

Ben · Marlene:'You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.' I love Calvin and Hobbes. Me, too!

Marlene · Ben · Leslie:You two are just the cutest things on four legs! But why so much black? It's like you're going to a funeral. She's got a point, babe.

Ben:Your mom kind of, um, made a pass at me.

Ben · Leslie:Look, she was just flirting a little. I'm sure she's not really interested in me. Oh, my God. I can't even have this conversation. The whole thing is screwed up now. There's so many ways to destroy a bubble, but my mom flirting with you is number one on the list.

Leslie · Ben:And I'm sorry, I have to say this, were you asking for it in any way? No! How were you dressed? Oh, my God. I was wearing this.

Ben · Marlene:Hi, Mom. Hi again. Leslie and I are dating. We haven't told anyone because there's a rule against office relationships. But it's happening. I'm sorry we didn't tell you before you touched my knee, and I trust you won't tell anyone now since it could get your daughter fired.

Marlene · Ben:Four buses. Two. Deal.

Ann · Ben:Ann sees the kiss monster Leslie drew on Ben's note and simply says 'Yeah.'

Ann · Ben:Ann about Ben and Leslie's secret workplace romance: 'You guys are totally welcome to use my office, just don't do anything on my desk.' Ben: 'Oh, we don't... You know. We just like to work in the same place, and then we talk and hold hands.' Ann: 'Yuck, that's somehow worse.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie declares the memorial should 'rival the Super Bowl half-time show' — immediately followed by 'Also, the budget is $600.'

Leslie · Ben · Jerry:Leslie's memo to Ben reads 'You have a cute butt.' Jerry's memo apparently lists facts about Li'l Sebastian but his also says 'You have a cute butt.' Ben says it's 'probably a typo' — probably meant 'cube butt' because Jerry's butt is shaped like a cube.

Ben:Ben says flatly: 'Okay, all the permits cleared for the horse funeral.' Then adds: 'What was that tone? What? Oh, nothing. I'm very sad about this.'

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris reveals he found out about Ben and Leslie because 'Ben butt-dialed me last night.' Audio of their roleplay follows: 'Okay, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.' Chris: 'Whoa. Eleanor likes the tongue.'

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris continues describing the butt-dial audio: 'Hey, show me Pelosi again.' Ben: 'Okay, lay down.' Then Leslie asks: 'Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.' Chris: 'Unfortunately not.'

Ben · Leslie:Ron warns them they'll get fired. Ben explains: 'Oh, President Reagan, my blazer popped open. Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. It's gonna be a bumpy ride to this summit meeting. Our countries have had a very... special relationship...'

Ben · Leslie:Ben and Leslie discuss their 'professional hug' protocol: Ben demonstrates a stilted 'Oh, congratulations' hug as what would look professional

Maintenance Worker · Ben · Leslie:The maintenance worker they were trying to keep secret walks in mid-hug and says 'Hey, lovebirds. What do I do with this?'

Ben · Leslie:Ben claims Leslie hugged him because she 'won the MacArthur Genius Grant.' He and Leslie then both say 'Yeah' in unconvincing unison.

Leslie · Ben · Chris:Ben tells Chris to 'take the rest of the day off... get a massage.' Leslie adds: 'I have a gift certificate, actually. My mom gave it to me for you.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben calls Chris 'George' when saying goodbye, having forgotten Chris's name in the moment — Leslie says 'Yes' and both thank 'George'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie discovers the ceremony assignments have completely cascaded: Perd Hapley is unveiling the memorial stone because Joe from sewage had to hand out armbands, and Perd had to fill in for Mortenson, and Mortenson had to fill in for Howser. And Donna is reading Jerry's Italian poem.

Ben:Ben snapping: 'And they would never cancel Game of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts. They're telling human stories in a fantasy world.'

Ben:Ben talking-head: 'I used to have one really good reason for staying in Pawnee. But now, I'm not sure what's keeping me here. Although, I am just two sandwiches away from a free meatball sub.'

Ben:Close-up on the sandwich loyalty card revealing it is expired.

Ben:Ben at the spa: 'There's something about the sound of harps that makes me nervous.'

Ben:Ben at acupuncture with needles in his face, having a visible anxiety attack: 'This is the most stressed out I've ever been in my life.'

Tom · Ben:Tom trying to distract Ben during acupuncture: 'Accounting, trigonometry, stamps, probably.' Ben: 'I'm more of a rare coins guy. Help me. Help me.'

Ben · Donna:Ben looking at expensive items: 'I really want this dress, and I like this crystal beetle, but it's expensive and there's no use for it.' Donna: 'Donna Meagle? Treat Yourself.' [Donna buys it for Ben]

Tom · Ben · Donna:Man, did you buy anything for yourself today? Yeah, I got this pack of socks. Plain white socks? Yeah. That's not a treat.

Ben · Tom · Donna:Donna and Tom ask Ben what he'd blow money on. After a pause: Ben is looking at a superhero costume.

Tom · Ben:Tom insists Ben buy the costume and wear it out of the store: 'You're going to Treat Yourself.'

Ben · Tom · Ann:Final tag: Parks department internet goes down. Tom, Ann etc. call Ben back in. Ben walks in, fixes it by unplugging and replugging the router. Then: 'Well, give it a minute. God.' [router takes a minute to work]

Ben · Andy · April:Ben's passive-aggressive response to not being told about the party: 'I didn't tell you I was gonna be quietly working in my room. That's a good point. Yeah, yeah. I guess we're even.'

Ben:Ben's exit line: 'If you need me, I'll definitely be awake, because I won't be able to sleep because of the party.'

Ben:Ben's confessional about his family: 'My parents' method of problem solving is to keep everything bottled up and subtly hint at what's bothering them. And after 36 years, they are still divorced.'

Chris · Ben:Chris (Sherlock Holmes) asking about April: 'Where's my lovely daughter tonight?' — then explaining he was worried Ben might be worried seeing them together

Chris · Ben:Chris texting without looking at his phone to maintain eye contact: 'I think it's rude not to maintain eye contact with the people that I'm talking to.'

Ben · Chris:Ben's high-five reaction to Chris's texting feat — 'Wow! That's amazing!' followed by 'Wow.'

Andy · April · Ben:Ben arriving at the party in no costume: 'He's going as lame.'

Andy · Ben:Andy suggesting Ben wear the Batman costume: 'I think the Batman costume is way better. You should go wear that.' / Ben: 'Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna put on a costume, because I'm not really attending this party that's at my house.'

Ben · Andy:Ben attempts to express his feelings, gets flustered: 'My name's Ben. I'm mad.'

April · Ben:Leslie denying Ben the Halloween candy: 'If you're not part of the party, you can't have the candy. Back up.'

April · Ben:April physically dragging Ben into his room to force him to express his feelings: 'I'm going to beat you up until you do, because I'm mature.'

Andy · April · Ben:Blood capsule reveal: 'Psych! Blood capsules... I wanted to shock you into expressing your anger.' / 'My nose is broken.'

Ben · Andy · April:Ben's list of reasonable grievances ends with: 'Stop using my comforter for your pillow forts.'

Andy · Ben:Andy's counter-demand: pay for studio recording time for his band, 'about 5,600 bucks. Deal?'

April · Andy · Ben:Hospital scene: 'You his friend?' / 'Him? Hell, no. We're brothers.'

Chris · Ben:Chris's talking head: '...the culprit was Millicent Gergich.' / 'You should look into actual detective work.' / 'I will.'

April · Ben:Final tag: Ben can't find his car keys. April: 'Solve this mystery, genius.' — referring to Ben's Sherlock Holmes-less evening

Leslie · Ben:The cult calls itself 'The Reasonableists' so critics will seem like they're attacking something reasonable

Ben:Ben's response 'That's weirdly brilliant' to the Reasonableists cult naming strategy

Leslie · Ben:Leslie offers to play ChessRisk — 'half-chess, half-Risk, takes 15 hours to play' — to keep Ben away from Shauna

Leslie · Ben:Leslie admits she took Ben to Mick Jagger's gas station because she was jealous of Shauna: 'Because she thinks you're cute, and I was afraid you guys were going to make out and have babies.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'And why don't you tell Shauna to make herself decent, and I'll apologize to her as well?' Ben: 'Oh, well, Shauna is not here.' Leslie: 'Oh. See what I did? I do. I'm very sneaky.'

Ben:Ben: 'I kinda want to roll up my sleeves and make geopolitical problem-solving my bitch.'

Ben:Ben's reaction talking head: 'Leslie and I aren't dating anymore, but, uh, we're friends. So it's fun. It's just fun. It's fun... it's... fun...'

Ben:Cut from Ben's deflating 'fun' confessional directly to him forcing cheer: 'It is fun. Thanks a lot.'

Ben · Leslie:Leslie asks Ben to 'tread water' while she does a photo op; Ben says 'I'll just tread water until you're ready. Thanks, buddy.' with increasing strain in his voice.

Leslie · Ben:Ben asks for 'five more minutes' on the photo op, Leslie says '10 or 15 to be safe,' then 'How about we make it a cool 40?' — escalating delays as Ben treads water

Ben · Student (Bulgaria):Student (Bulgaria) to Ben, staring at Leslie with envy: 'Her life is so awesome. You're lucky you're friends with her.' Ben: 'Shut up, Bulgaria!'

Ben · Leslie:Ben: 'Or, as they say in Denmark... "I'm back."' Leslie: 'Most people speak English.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben discovers he's been cut out of his own treaty: 'I got cut out of my own treaty?' / Leslie: 'Yeah. I got sick of treading water, so I swam over to Asia, made a deal.'

Ben:Ben in full diplomatic register: 'The nation of Denmark would like to formerly request a summit with the nation of Peru over there by the refreshment table. Because the nation of Denmark needs a juice box.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben breaks character to confront Leslie at the refreshment table, the Model UN dissolving into a proxy argument for their actual relationship

Ben · Leslie:Ben: 'Oh, you know what? You might wanna borrow this.' / Leslie: 'Ew, no one wants your dirty underwear, Ben.' / Ben: 'It's not dirty underwear. It's a white flag, and you may as well start waving it right now...' / Leslie: 'the only thing I will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!'

Andy · Ben:Andy: 'If you rearrange the letters of Peru, you could spell Europe.' Ben: 'That's... That's not true.' Andy: 'Well... You have to rearrange them.' Ben: 'Oh...'

Leslie · Ben:Ben and Leslie's treaty negotiation: 'I propose a treaty that states that we have a fun conversation once a day at work for five minutes.' / 'I'll take it to the Peruvian senate. Or whatever.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'What do we do with those kids? We totally ruined their club.' Ben: 'I could tell you what I would like when I was their age.' Leslie: 'Ben, how are we gonna get Kathy Ireland to do naked aerobics for them?' Ben: 'Okay. I regret telling you that... very much.'

Ben · April · Andy:Ben and colleague are impressed by college course catalog 'shopping period'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie opens a drawer at Ben's office expecting scissors and finds: 'Those are my pens and pencils.'

Rose · Ben · Leslie:Community member Rose: 'Basketball courts attract undesirables to my community... because there is a definite type of person I associate with basketball, and I'd rather not have that type of person nearby.' Ben and Leslie race to stop her before she says something racist.

Chris · Ben · Leslie:Chris repeatedly shouts 'Dream Team!' despite Ben explaining the partnership is dysfunctional. Chris: 'Dream Team!' Ben: 'Yeah. But we're not.' Chris: 'Dream Team!'

Ann · Ben:Ann's cheesecake admission: 'She once made me eat an entire cheesecake at a potluck so she didn't look bad.' Ben: 'You ate an entire cheesecake? Why didn't you just throw it away?' Ann: 'Because with everything she's done for me, I would eat 10 cheesecakes for her. Also, PS, it was delicious and amazing, like everything she does.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie to Ben: 'I wasn't sure you were going to come.' Ben: 'Well, I got very curious when you only left me one voicemail message instead of your usual 20.'

Ben:'Yeah, I feel the same way about resigning in disgrace.'

Ben:Ben inventing 'sal-gar' — part salt, part sugar

Ben:'You know, if I hadn't resigned in disgrace, I might never have explored the private sector. It's like, why didn't I resign in disgrace 12 years ago?'

Ben:Ben's talking head: 'Every year, I give Leslie the same present I give everyone: a crisp $20 bill. And every year, she gets me something thoughtful and personal. It makes me furious.'

Ron · Ben · Ann · Tom · Andy · April · Donna:The reaction shot to whatever large gift Leslie installed for Ron — characters are moved to tears by something the audience doesn't see yet

Ben:'We need to get Leslie something that erases the enormous emotional debt that has built up over years of this gift-giving imbalance.'

Ben:'They call me "the Swiss Army Accountant."' — beat — 'They don't call me that.' — beat — 'They should.'

Ben:'Calc-you-later.'

Ben · Interviewer:Accounting firm reacts to 'Calc-you-later' with delight — 'Oh, you like that one, huh?'

Interviewer · Ben:'We do not get a lot of humor here, and when we do, it's wonderful.' — then immediately calling Ted in to hear the pun again

Ben:'Mmm, I love me a calzone.' — Ben, non-sequitur during a conversation about gingerbread

Leslie · Ben:Leslie puts sal-gar on pasta — 'This is just sugar.'

Ben · Leslie:'I can hear you breathing, and, yes, you can finish her pasta.' / 'Thank God. I'm so hungry.' / 'Mmm, it tastes like Froot Loops.'

Ben · Ron:Marshmallow Ron Swanson — 'His arms are crossed because he's mad at all the other marshmallow workers for annoying him.'

Ben · Andy · Tom:Ben spray-painted M&Ms silver — 'Okay, those are poisonous, so no one eat them.' / 'Yeah, duh.' / 'Go throw up.' / 'I didn't eat any.' / 'Go throw up.'

Jean-Ralphio · Ben:'Why don't you use that time and go after one of your passions, like model trains or, like, or toy Gandalfs or something?' 'I don't know why you jumped straight to model trains.' 'I mean... it's accurate.'

Leslie · Ben:'Oh, my God, I'm pregnant. Wait, what? No, that's not it.'

Ben · Leslie:TERRIBLE MOONWALK. / DON'T CARE.

Ben · Leslie:LET ME RESIGN. IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT TRULY PROTECTS YOU. / NON-STARTER.

Ben · Leslie:Ben unwraps a gift of 'Yachter Otter' — a stuffed otter toy — which Leslie made because Ben described a dream he had two months ago about 'a playboy otter lost at sea.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben looks at his cryptex gift and says 'Oh. A bomb?' Leslie explains it's a cryptex 'like in that movie The Da Vinci Code, which was the first movie that you and I ever watched on Starz HD.' Ben: 'Wow. That's specific.'

Ben:Ben confidently tells Leslie 'I think I can crack the code.' Cut immediately to talking head: 'I have no idea what the code is.'

Ben:Ben objects to D.J. Bluntz at the publicly funded dance: 'I don't think it's appropriate for people to be getting wet with sound.' He has clearly read the DJ's promotional materials.

Andy · Ben:Andy is examining the cryptex. Ben explains Leslie hid the location of their Valentine's meeting inside. Andy asks 'Have you tried...' Ben: 'That's a four-letter word.' Andy: 'Add an S?' Ben: 'I really don't think it's that.'

Ben · Andy:Ben tells Andy 'You're like the second smartest guy I know. You should go to the first smartest guy I know.' Andy responds as if this is a profound honor. Then reveals that Ron is 'the first smartest guy.'

Ron · Andy · Ben:When Ron is brought in to help crack the cryptex, he reads the clue and confidently solves it immediately. Andy: 'Told you.'

Ben · April · Andy:Ben and the group examine the Pawnee murals for hearts — the murals include 'Cornfield Slaughter,' 'Lament of the Buffalo,' 'Needless Slaughter,' 'Slaughter Gone Wrong,' 'Eating the Reverend,' 'It's Raining Blood,' and 'Death Everywhere.'

Ben:Ben, searching for Leslie's clue at J.J.'s Diner, figures out the clue involves whipped cream. 'For Leslie, that means whipped cream or... No, it's whipped cream.' He then directs everyone to search the whipped cream cans.

Ben · Ron:The next clue says 'Only 22 clues left to go.' Ben: '22?!' Ron: 'Well, this is the woman I've chosen to love.' Beat. 'Well, I guess there's nothing to do but spend the entire night methodically solving this puzzle. There's no way we'll finish in time.'

Kevin (snow globe museum worker) · Ben:The snow globe museum worker, seeing Ben arrive late: 'She said you'd be here by noon. You're not doing so good.'

Kevin · Ben:The snow globe museum worker tells Ben the clue is 'under one of the snow globes' but then says 'But which one? Oh, I don't know.' Ben: 'Why don't you just tell me where it is?' Worker: 'That would take all the fun out of it.'

Kevin · Ben:Ben finds a note under a snow globe. Worker: 'Oh, wait. No, that might be from another scavenger hunt.'

Ron · Ben · Andy:Ron arrives at what appears to be a bar or establishment, introduces himself formally: 'Hello. My name is Ron Swanson. I believe Leslie Knope may have left some kind of scavenger hunt clue here.' Pause. Staff member retrieves something. Ron opens it to reveal whiskey glasses. 'Gentlemen.' He pours. 'Enjoy your evening.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie spies on Ann from across the room. Leslie: 'Look at Ann. She's putting on makeup. She's using the emergency mini curling iron that I gave her. She has a date.' Ben: 'You don't know that.' Leslie: 'Why wouldn't she tell me who it is? Because it's someone she shouldn't be dating.'

Ben · Andy · Ron:The scavenger hunt clue progress report: Ben has clues 9, 3, and 4. Andy proudly reports: 'I have 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, and 19.' Then: 'Yo. I found some clues. Also found this.' [shows a weird stick] 'Might be a clue?' Ben: 'No.'

Ben · Ron:Ben is near giving up on the scavenger hunt: 'We failed. If I'd just had a little more time. She's waiting for me somewhere in Pawnee and I'm not going to be there.' Ron: 'Leslie loves romance, but she also loves being right. Is there something you used to disagree on, but you've since come around to her way of thinking?'

Ron · Ben:Ron says: 'Ron, you're a genius.' Then Ben says 'Ron, you're a genius' and Ron responds: 'Yep.' The beat where Ron has no false modesty whatsoever.

Ben · Leslie:The final cryptex answer is 'Li'l Sebastian.' Ben explains: 'At first, you did not understand what made this tiny horse so special. And now, you love him more than I do.' Leslie: 'Yep. I miss him every day.' Ben: 'I really tried to make that hard.' Leslie: 'Yeah. I'm very impressed with you.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben and Leslie reunite. Leslie immediately pivots: 'I have to tell you something. Chris and Ann are on a secret date... and I know I'm not supposed to care... but this is...' Ben: 'No, we have to go catch them in the act right now.' Leslie: 'Really?' Ben: 'Yeah. Screw romantic dinners. Let's go rub it in their face.' Leslie: 'God, I love you so much.'

Leslie · Ben · Ann · Tom · April:Leslie and Ben burst in to confront Ann and Chris on their secret date — only to find Ann and Tom on a date. Leslie: 'What?' Long pause as this registers. Then: 'April. Tom and Ann are on a date.' April: 'I know.' Leslie: 'What do you mean you know?'

Leslie · Ben:Ben asks Leslie: 'You love Italian men?' Leslie: 'Not as much as Irish.' Ben: 'Scottish?' Leslie: 'White. Whatever you are.'

Ben · Chief Trumple:Ben references Dead Poets Society to the police chief — 'Oh, Captain, my Captain' — then when asked 'You getting weird already?' he says 'Nope. I'm good.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie talking head: 'Ben is really nervous because he is afraid of cops.' Ben: 'I'm not afraid of cops. I have no reason to be. I never break any laws, ever.' Cut back to Leslie. Ben talking head: 'Because I'm deathly afraid of cops.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie invites Dave to join their dinner, and Ben says 'I shouldn't have invited him. I'm sorry.' / Ben: 'Oh, no, no. No, that's okay.'

Ben:Leslie's campaign description: 'Ooh, that sounds like an Ashley Judd movie.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben returns from the bathroom; Leslie covers by having invented 'Whizzingham Manor' as another funny name for the bathroom

Dave · Ben:Dave and Ben exchange a rapid-fire volley of competing offers to escort each other outside and talk to each other, then to Leslie, then together — devolving into an absurd negotiation.

Ben:Ben immediately signals the waiter: 'Here's the check, as you requested. Here's my credit card. Quick, now.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben: 'You like dessert. Why didn't you get a dessert?' / Leslie: 'Oh, dessert is overrated and gross.'

Ben · Dave · Leslie:The three-way standoff about who gets to talk to whom: 'Actually, Dave, I'd like to talk to you.' / 'Well, I don't want to talk to you.' / ... escalating into a complex negotiated speaking order

Dave · Ben:Dave to Ben: 'I need you to know something, man to man. I still have feelings for Leslie, in a womanly fashion. And I believe she feels the same towards me, in a manly way.'

Dave · Ben:Dave: 'I just said to you one thing. And you're contriring me.' / Ben: 'I don't think that's a word.'

Ben · Dave:Ben refuses to give his blessing for Dave to pursue Leslie: 'I think that that's reasonable.' / Dave: 'Okay. Okay, and I want to thank you. I want to thank you for having this talk with me, man.' / Ben: 'Oh, well, thank you. Thank you very much.'

Ben · Leslie:Leslie to Ben, after the Dave disaster: 'Let's just go home.' / Ben: 'No. We're going to Trumple's thing.' / Leslie: 'No. Let's not go there. I don't care about the endorsement.' / Ben: 'You don't care about the endorsement?' / Ben: 'Leslie, let's not let your terrible decision-making get in the way of this election.'

Ben:Ben at the police retirement party spontaneously lobbying cops: 'I am telling you that Leslie, in the long run, is so much better for this police department than Bobby Newport is.' (Police all yelling) 'No, no! It's paper. I was reaching for paper.'

Ben:Ben at the police retirement party: 'No, no! It's paper. I was reaching for paper.'

Chief Trumple · Ben:Trumple to Ben after his speech: 'Pretty sweet sauce in there, eh, Ace?' / Ben: 'What's wrong with you?' / Trumple: 'I don't know.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben is waiting in line at the bar and deferring to every cop who walks up, letting them go in front of him; Leslie has to tell him: 'It feels like you're being overly respectful of all these cops, and you're letting them go in all in front of you. Why would you be standing just here?' / Ben: 'I was just checking... Get in that. Go in!'

Ben:Boss, I need your Herbie Hancock on this.

Leslie · Ben · Tom:64 divided by 4 is-- / 16. / 64. / So we're gonna throw him a Sweet 16 surprise party.

Leslie · April · Tom · Ben:Four years from now, who knows? He might be retired... Or dead. / Let's start a pool. Who wants retired? Who wants dead? / Dead. / No.

Donna · Leslie · Ben · Tom · Chris · April:Ginuwine's my cousin. / Ginuwine? / The Ginuwine is your cousin? / How do I not know this? / Who's Ginuwine? / Ginuwine?

Ben:Crow for dinner tonight, Mr. Swanson?

Tom · Ben:It's always the most beautiful ladies who hurt you the worst. / She's never seen a single Paul Walker movie? That's a huge 'oh-no-no.' She also 'doesn't care' about Blu-ray? She's a monster.

Ben · Tom · Ann:Guys... guys... What do I do? I mean, she's asleep. / You probably should just sit there and not move. She's really tired. Just a few hours.

Ron · Ben:Is this all the eggs we have? / Yes. / What are you making? / Eggs.

Jerry · Leslie · Ben:Thank you, guys. It was really expensive. / Oh, campaign. / Take it.

Ben:Ben and Ann discuss interview outfit with Ben suggesting 'No nonsense' and then Buddy Wood arrives

Ben · Leslie:Ben: 'Oh, really? Is this politics? Ow! What is that? Why did you do that?'

Ben · Leslie:Ben slaps Leslie on the arm after she asks 'Is this politics? Ow!'

Ben:'I'm just really into you. Give me a spin, baby.' — Ben to Leslie in the middle of a serious argument

Leslie · Ben:Leslie cheerfully greets Ben: 'Hey, honey. Good morning. How did you sleep?' Then: 'I adopted 32 cats and dogs.'

Ben · Leslie:'Is that a pig?' / 'What? Which one?' / 'Is that a pig? Are you talking about this one? This one right here? Yes, that is a pig.'

Ben:Ben's response: 'Pigs are awesome.'

Ben:Ben eating a dog biscuit off the table: 'And that's a dog biscuit. Andy put them on the table because he wanted to try to have the dogs play poker.'

Leslie · Ben:'Do you think Barack and Michelle Obama feel like this at the end of the day?' / 'Probably. I mean, I don't know. How else...' / 'So, am I Michelle?'

Andy · Ben:Sweet! / No.

Ben:4 feet. Exact same size as the podium you use in the Parks department.

Leslie · Ben:I'm going to wipe the floor with his face. / You're going to rip out his spine with your teeth and then chew it up and gargle with it.

Ben:Leslie just tried to answer a question and audibly farted then threw up. Spin.

Ben · Leslie:Here's what I know. I love you, and I like you.

Jen Barkley · Ben:Your boy looks a little lost out there. / Oh, he'll be fine. Expectations are crazy low. If he puts two sentences together without crying, the press is going to say he's doing surprisingly well, and if he falls to pieces, he's going to look sympathetic. It's a win-win.

Ben:But Bobby Newport is super handsome and charming, so that means people will probably vote for him because there's no justice in the world.

Ben · Leslie:Ah, screw it. Go get him. / Really? / Kick his ass.

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben's mutual compliment standoff: 'you're the candidate' / 'you're the brilliant campaign manager' / 'but you're the cutest' / 'I love you'

Ann · Leslie · Ben:The whole team has been waiting for the news; Ann finally asks 'Hey, were you going to tell us something?'

Andy · Ben · Ann · April · Donna · Chris:'Also, from now on, we'll be using code names. You can address me as Eagle One. Ann, code name: Been there, done that. April is Currently doing that. Donna is It happened once in a dream. Chris, code name: If I had to pick a dude. Ben is Eagle Two.' / Ben: 'Oh, thank God.'

Ben:Ben's talking head: he predicts exactly when the big laugh will come in Leslie's speech, then the cut shows the audience laughing on cue

Ben · Leslie:Ben predicts 'a two-second awkward silence after Leslie does her Rodney Dangerfield impression' — cut to Leslie doing: 'I tell ya, these geese don't give me no respect. No respect at all.' — and the crowd goes dead silent

Ben:Ben's talking head: 'Everybody says they care about the issues, but at the end of the day, all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon.'

Leslie · Ben · Ann:Leslie to Ben: 'Good answer, great body.' Then to Ann: 'try to beat what he said.'

Ben · Leslie · Ann:Ben's plan: apologize to Bobby, leak details to press, use it to buy time to finish the bus tour. Ann: 'No, that's not a real apology. It's just sneaky.' Ben and Leslie: [continue planning around her objection]

Leslie · Ben · Campaign Team:Leslie's campaign bus, with her face on it, slowly drives through and disrupts the Newport memorial service while the team shouts 'Back it up! Go forward! Back it up!'

Andy · Sewage Joe · Ben:Andy to Sewage Joe: 'Oh, dude, I dare you. Please. Give me one reason to take you down. I would love nothing more—' [Joe accidentally pies Ben] / Andy: 'Oh, [bleep]. Ben, sorry.'

Ben:Campaign team watches Bobby's accidental endorsement: 'Maybe we're not dead.'

Ben · Leslie · April · Andy:Ben and Leslie reuniting — awkward extended hug while April watches, then Ben and April exit to have sex, leaving Andy and Leslie visibly uncomfortable

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'George Washington's Farewell Address Candle Stand.' Ben: 'That was the first thing I was going to see.' Leslie: 'God, I love you so much.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben telling Leslie what to see: 'George Washington's Farewell Address Candle Stand.' Leslie: 'That was the first thing I was going to see.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben: 'And it was nice to see you again.' Leslie: 'Were you talking to my butt?' Ben: 'Yes.'

Leslie · Ben:Ben in his D.C. campaign office — Leslie immediately claims it as hers: 'Ben, you're fired. It's my office now. Boom! You heard the boss. Scram, Wyatt.'

Andy · Ben:Ben: 'Pants.' Andy: 'Great. Could we just real quick stop at the nearest place that has free pants?'

Leslie · Ben:Ben proudly shows Leslie he got them on the list for a swanky party; Leslie makes a shrimp claw and asks Ben to put her used plate in her purse — she's building a collection

Ben · Leslie:Ben reveals he arranged for Leslie to meet 'numbers 4 and 26 on Leslie's List of Amazing Women'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'There's only one sight I want to see right now.' [implies she means Ben] Ben: 'All right. I mean, this is getting weird. But, there it is.' Leslie: 'I meant the Jefferson Memorial, you perv!'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'Wait. No, you didn't.' Ben: 'No, I didn't.' Leslie: 'Spin it around and back it on up.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben opens a care package labeled 'Box 1 of 12'

Ben:Ben gives a staff meeting about consistent font usage, specifically calling out Papyrus

Ben:Ben's talking head: 'they call me Devo, 'cause I can whip 'em good'

Ben:'13 point font is just obnoxious'

Ben · Ellis:Ben asks intern Ellis if he's going to finish uploading campaign pictures — Ellis says 'Oh. Later, man.'

Ben · April:April drew a mocking picture of Ben with a stick up his butt — April asks who drew it and Ben wonders if it was the interns

Ben · Jen:Every intern is connected: 'Ellis is Congressman Murray's nephew. Nathaniel is related to Donald Rumsfeld. Brittany's dad is Ben Bernanke's dentist.'

Ben:Ben's new plan: 'Instead of firing them, I am going to kiss their asses like crazy.'

Ben · Ellis:Ben's intern management strategy: brings pizza and immediately befriends them with 'Ellis, what's up, my male?' and 'Ell-bones'

Ben · Ellis · Unknown intern:Ben trying to bond over Ultimate Frisbee: 'Dude, so did I, in college.' 'Whoa, you guys should get married.'

Ben:Ben's talking head after Ultimate frisbee invitation: 'Let's do it to it, my dudes'

Ben:Ben tries to use intern slang 'Ell-chupacabra' and then references something from '40 years ago'

Ben · Ellis:Ben discovers Ellis didn't draw the mocking picture — 'My daughter did.' / 'April's not my daughter. She's my friend.'

April · Ben:April appears and says 'Sorry, Dad.' — Ben immediately forgives her

April · Ben:April brings Ben a report with 30 different fonts — 'Funny because it has 30 different fonts on it, and you only like one.'

Ben · April:Ben asks April for '15% effort' — April negotiates it down to 12 — Ben insists on 15 — April concedes '15, fine'

Ben · Leslie:Is that a picture of you? Yes. I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.

April · Ben:And writing Star Trek fan fiction does not count. Ha ha ha. I... finished it last week. What's going on?

April · Ben:You get snacks. I'll bring music. We'll jam out to some sweet tunage. — Actually, no. I don't want to go any more. / Just kidding. See you in ten minutes. / Just kidding. We're not going. / Road trip! / So we're going? / Yes!

Ben:I'm excited to bond a little with April. She's like the little sister I never had. Because the little sister I do have is normal and not terrifying.

Ben · April:Almost out of gas. / I'll wait till we're on the highway.

April · Ben:Why aren't we moving? / Because. Other cars. / Will you not do that? Please don't. / That's what you do when you... / Please don't do... Great, here comes a guy.

April · Ben:'Benji's Cool Times Summer Jamz Mix' discovery — Ben is embarrassed; April insists on hearing it.

Ben:Don't judge me.

Ben · April:The presidential motorcade finally moves — then Ben and April run out of gas immediately.

April · Ben:That was a great road trip. / We made it 40 feet. / Yeah, well, at least it took a million hours, and it was 180 degrees, and we starved to death. / So fun.

Ben:Yeah, you know what? All right, I'm in. You know, we might be able to sneak out early. You get snacks. I'll bring music. We'll jam out to some sweet tunage.

April · Ben:Hey, how about next weekend we fly to Pawnee? Tickets are on me. / Really? That would be awesome. Definitely. / Nah, never mind. I don't feel like it. / What? My God. / See how it feels?

Chris · Ben · Ron:Excellent work, everyone! Particularly you, Ron. You have one very satisfied citizen. / What did you do for her? / I fixed her pothole. / Is that a euphemism? / No. / Then great work.

Ben:And she has. We've gotten several noise complaints.

Leslie · Ben:Has you-know-who responded yet? Surprisingly, no. Larry Bird has not RSVP'd yet. Well, he kind of waits until the last minute. That's his style. Put him down as a maybe.

Ben · Leslie:One, put Twizzlers on the candy table. And, two, cancel the party... 'No' to canceling the party, and 'no' to Twizzlers. We are a Red Vines family. You're going to have to get used to that.

Ben:Well, if there's anyone who can bring my parents together, it's no one. No one can ever bring them together.

Ben:You and I go stargazing in Harvey James Park while my parents slowly strangle each other in the living room.

Leslie · Ben:And, out of respect, I did not include any images of the only other man in the world who's as sexy as you, Joe Biden. Yes, you did, right there. Hmm? Oh, well, that's just a little one.

multiple friends · Ben:Ben, don't you dare hurt her. I won't. Don't laugh. She means it. I won't. Seriously, son. Don't hurt her. Okay. I'm not planning on hurting her. You better not be. I'm not. Hey, Ben? You best watch yourself.

Ben · unknown:Well, sure, in a wrestling match, Kirk would win. But, overall, who would you rather have at the helm of your Sovereign-class starship? Jean-Luc Picard. No contest.

Ben:I called a cab. It's outside. I gave the driver $100 to sit and wait. So, whenever we're ready to go, like, maybe, right now, all we have to do is walk outside.

Ben:Well, they're white people from Minnesota. So, hockey, fishing, skiing, sailing. And after a few drinks put on a Prince album. Don't mention the Green Bay Packers or the state of Iowa. And, also, I have enough frequent flyer miles to get us to Australia tonight.

Leslie · Ben:Ben, on three separate occasions, I have used a quilt to mend fences. In ninth grade, a quilt ended an argument between my two best friends. And a quilt settled the Donna-Jerry parking lot feud of 2006. What was the third time? Right now.

Ben:Okay, I still don't think it's going to work, but I am really attracted to you right now.

Julia · Leslie · Steve · Ben:I don't want her name on my quilt. It's not your... It's everyone's quilt. It's a unity quilt. I think it's mean that you didn't do a square for me. It's a disaster, is what it is. You can say that again, Steve. See, Ben? They're agreeing. It's working.

Julia · Ben:Oh, I didn't know we could cut that. It had to be done, Ben. It absolutely did not have to be done.

Ben:I grabbed all of the brownies from the dessert table and four bottles of wine. Get in the car. We're going to Australia.

Steve · Julia · Ben · Leslie:I can take it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too, Benny. Sorry, whatever. Ah! What a beautiful apology.

Leslie · Ben:We only have 30 bucks left. Let's go. Oh. Okay. Get ready, driver. We're going to make out so hard in the back of your cab.

Ben · Leslie:We only have 30 bucks left. Let's go. Get ready, driver. We're going to make out so hard in the back of your cab.

Leslie · Ben:Leslie says Ben will be the 'first gentleman' if she wins the presidency in 2024, and Ben says 'Actually, that sounds kind of great.'

Ben:Ben describes his new job's perks: 'Three weeks of vacation, matching 401(K), and a pretty sweet windbreaker.'

Ben:Ben's talking head: 'So just call me Bond, municipal bond.'

Ben:'Yeah, that joke killed at the accounting firm.'

Tom · Chris · Ben:Tom greets Tom and Chris: 'Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Looks and Professor Books. He's Looks. I got it.'

April · Ben:April's presentation uses stats: 'Washington D.C. has more dog parks per capita than most cities.' Ben responds: 'Can you say per capita again? I want to take a picture of you saying per capita.'

Tom · Ben:Tom proposes the industrial site: 'You know, I think any of the four previous locations would work, but there's something about this place. It just has a really good energy here, you know? Lots of natural light.' Ben/others: 'It's tiny and awful and loud. And it's zone 14B, industrial waste clean-up site.'

Ben:'We should technically be wearing Hazmat suits right now. It seems like the kind of place a ska band would go to shoot heroin.'

Leslie · Ben · Sweetums Rep:The Sweetums rep offers Ben a job running their foundation while Ben is standing right there listening to Leslie get rejected: 'Just to clarify, it's a no to me on all fronts, and you're offering Ben a job?' / 'Yeah.' / 'Cool. Cool.'

Tom · Ben:Tom pitches Ben as a profile subject: 'This is a guy who's learned through an unbelievable series of bonehead business moves.' Ben winces.

Ben:Ben: 'What is happening?' — as yet another person offers him a job when he's supposedly committed to accounting.

Ben · Jerry · Leslie · April:Ben: 'Enough! You are friends and coworkers. In this office, we treat each other with respect.' / Jerry walks in. / 'Hey, April, how is that dog park coming?' / Leslie and April: 'Get out, Jerry!' / 'This is private!' / Jerry: 'Sorry, guys.'

Ben:Ben downplays his new accounting job: 'Well, my accounting job isn't boring. If it was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.'

Tom · Ben:Tom: 'They have a show about storage unit auctions.' Ben: 'Fair point.'

Ben · Tom:Ben: 'Also can you tell me what time that show about storage units is on?' Tom: '9:30.'

April · Ben:April's apology: 'I'm sorry that I outsmarted you at every turn.' Ben: 'April.' April: 'And I know I have a lot to learn from you, and I'm sorry that I disrespected your stupid dream.'

Ben · Accounting Boss Barney:Ben quits his accounting job again. His boss: 'Is this a classic Ben joke?' Ben: 'No. I'm really sorry.' Boss: 'This is disappointing. Again.'

Ben:Ben's speech about why he's quitting: 'I mean, why be an accountant, you know? Other than the stability and the health plan and the above-average pay.'

Ben · Accounting Boss Barney:Ben's boss: 'Maybe someday we'll figure out the magic formula that gets you to work here.' Ben: 'Well, formulas are my formula for moolah.'

Ben:Ben's final talking head: 'Oh, God, this better work out.'

Ben · Andy:I just finished making an entry in my dream journal. This time, the giant spider got caught in my web. [beat] Progress.

Ben:You're so cute when you're bullying, babe.

Andy · Ben · Andy · Ben:I know you didn't, but if you had gone to Hogwarts Academy, which House do you think you would have been? / Look, obviously I want to say Gryffindor... But I've got to go with Hufflepuff. / I respect your honesty. / Gryffindor. Seeker on the Quidditch team.

Chris · Ben:This is literally the best non-fat eggnog I've ever had. / Remain calm, but I think you just drank some of the regular, full-fat eggnog.

Ben · Chris:Chris, one cup won't kill you. / No, but it will add exactly 440 calories. [beat] But you know what? I'm fine. [beat] You only live once.

Chris · Ben:Mmm! I don't know if you know this, but things with fat in them taste way better than things with no fat. / Yeah, Chris — everybody knows that.

Jerry · Ben · Chris · Gayle:Ben, come meet Jerry's wife. / Gayle? / Happy holidays, Chris. It's so good to see you. / I'm Gayle Gergich.

Ben:Gayle-- you're Gayle? Jerry's beautiful wife... Who looks like that.

Ben:Yeah. Relax, gloomy goose.

Ben · Andy:Man, maybe going to therapy 1,000 times a week is helping. I mean, if you'd seen that picture a month ago, you would have fallen apart.

Gayle · Chris · Ben · Millie · Ben:Chris, I'd like you to meet my fiancé, Carl. / Hi, there. / Hi. How did you two meet? / Whitewater rafting. He was the young rafting instructor all the girls were into, and I was the young rafting instructor all the guys were into... And then we got together. / Ah, so random, right?

Ben:So Gayle and Jerry -- I've thought about it a lot. There's no logical explanation.

Ben:Did the Dalai Lama say that?

Ben:Right, some of that is possible.

Ben:On last year's report, they stated, 'Every time it so much as drizzles in Pawnee, the town is in danger of collapsing into Thunderdome-style, post-apocalyptic mayhem.'

Ron Swanson · Ben:Ron volunteers for TV: 'I can speak in full sentences, and I won't cry.' / 'Fair point. I did cry last time.'

Ben:It seems like her allergies are kicking in.

Jerry Gergich · Ben:We got all the way to Muncie before we realized it was just a drill. All I'm saying is you could've called. / No one had your cell number, Big 'J.' / I find that hard to believe.

Ben · Leslie:Ben's 'deal breaker' threat about Leslie taking his last name, then immediately admitting he was joking

Ben · Leslie:'And we just ordered 200 white-chocolate top hats.' / 'We did?' / 'You did, actually. It's under your name.'

Ben · Leslie:The 'Falcon is entering / Turtledove acknowledges' code names for Ben and Leslie

Tom · Chris · Ben:Tom offers to get the marriage license, saying 'I got a guy that works at City Hall' — then Chris corrects 'That guy's my wife' — then Tom adds 'Um, you also work there.'

Ben:The reaction beat: 'Oh, uh, yikes.' after Ron's marriage comment

April · Ben · Store Clerk:And they were nipple rings, at one point. / How do you know that? / [beat] / They were his.

Ben · Leslie:Ben's rings update: 'No rings, just a tennis bracelet and a necklace that says Wine Chick'

Ben:No rings, no license, no dress. This idea felt so right, but maybe it's just too crazy. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.

Ben · Ron:Ben tells Ron he's 'transferring his crying thing' to him — Ron breaking down and saying 'it's okay buddy, let it out'

Ben · Leslie · Ron:Ben: 'I got five bathrooms.' / Leslie: 'I love the first floor of City Hall at night. / Ron: 'I've never willingly been here later than 5:04 p.m.'

Jerry · Ben · Leslie:Jerry: 'You may now kiss the--' then the couple immediately kisses before he finishes, cutting him off: 'Well, oops, okay.'

Ben · Leslie:The visual gag of drunk/celebrating friends visible in the background as Leslie and Ben try to sneak away: 'Hey, we should just go, right? Careful.'

Leslie · Ben:We saw the bus stop where a young Barack Obama used to sit and wait for the bus. - Theoretically. - It's possible.

Leslie · Ben:Then we went and visited Honolulu City Hall... Well, it looked amazing, but it was closed.

Ben:Win-win. Except for the rain forest.

Newport (Sweetums rep) · Ben:There's even a rumor going around that the chocolate is made of rat parts. Well... You know what they say about rumors. They're mostly true. Including the rat thing? Yeah. What are you gonna do? It's where all the flavor comes from.

Newport (Sweetums rep) · Ben:Oh, would you look at that. There is a smudge on my tail. [Wipes tail on Ben's jacket] All better.

Tom · Ben:Whoa! Check out the new digs. - Pass. - You came down here to pass on helping me? - Yeah, I wanted to see what your face looked like when I said no. It was totally worth it.

Tom · Ben:Well, they bring me fancy lunches here. If you stay, you can have some. What? Crab, caviar? On behalf of Tommy's Tummy Foundation, I'm happy to accept this generous donation.

Tom · Ben:Tom, do you have to run that right now? Oh, no, Ben! These smoothies will just blend themselves!

Newport · Ben:Get yourself a matching nude portrait? I can call the painter. Please don't.

Ben · Newport:First, I'd like you all to check under your chairs. I think you might be surprised and excited by what you find. Is it chocolate? Even better. It's dirt.

Ben:So... not too shabby.

Andy · Ben:That guy? Do you even know him? Oh, my God, Andy, it's you.

Ben · Ron:I would suggest sticking around and watching him eat it 'cause it only takes four minutes, and it's pretty amazing. / These will not be necessary.

Tom · Ben · Andy:Uh, 'Spasm.' No, 'Butter Face'! / Very good!

Ben · Andy:New car. [reaction beat — someone smells Andy after the 'Dwyer shower']

Ben:Ah, he's disgusting, but I want to take his money and give it to needy people, so I'm just gonna keep on smiling. Yay!

Ben · Dennis Feinstein:Like Bill Gates. Have you ever heard of Bill Gates? He lives in Seattle, guy with glasses. / Bill Gates? I know who Bill Gates is. Bill Gates is, like, a super nerd. Is this some sort of nerd thing? Are you calling me a nerd?

Ben · Dennis Feinstein:So, Dennis, not to interrupt-- / Then don't. Boom! Ha ha! / Shut him right down!

Andy · Dennis Feinstein · Ben:You're a dick. / Excuse me? / Andy-- / How dare you talk to me like that? Where are your manners? You come to me asking for money, and you treat me like this?

Andy · Ben · Tom · Dennis Feinstein:Why did you make me apologize to him? / Guys, just hold it-- hold on a sec. / Mr. Feinstein, with all due respect... you are a major dick. / What? / Run! / Eddie, get my crossbow. / Crossbow? What the-- / You will pay for this!

Ben:Screw that. You should apologize for apologizing to that guy.

Tom · Ben:Feinstein's the worst. I hope he gets into an accident driving that Rolex Mobile. / For the last time, it's a Rolexus, and you can't drive it.

Leslie · Ann · Ben:Ann and Ben announce they're canceling Breakfast Day and Waffle Day. Leslie: 'Oh, my God. You're both dying.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben proposes a 'day on' as sexy; Leslie says 'No' flatly

Ben · Leslie:Mac and cheese pizza revelation

Leslie · Guard · Jerry · Ben:Leslie tries to get Jerry into the city council private dining room by claiming 'clearance level four' and being flatly denied

Leslie · Ben:'I'm gonna go in there and take a picture with Jerry. I put my arm around nothing. And then you Photoshop him in later.'

Leslie · Ben:The description of Mayor Knudson: resigned for corruption, died of a pill overdose, actual cause was being thrown from a helicopter while handcuffed, possibly still alive because they never found the body, actually no body because he exploded on impact

Ben · Jerry:'Sounds like a good dude.' / 'Yeah. I just wish I had a chance to meet him years ago before all the scandals and his death.'

Jerry · Ben · Leslie:'But this is nice too.' / 'Yeah.' / 'Is it?' / 'Yes.' / 'Mm-hmm. It is.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben complains that Leslie took a day off to spend it with Jerry instead of him

Jerry · Leslie · Ben · Tom:Jerry's tie catches fire from the retirement cake candles

Ben:Ben stayed up checking 'Fringe' season one for plot holes while Leslie slept: 'As I suspected — airtight.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben suggests Gayle might think Jerry is 'a friendly hat' due to an Oliver Sacks brain disorder

Ben · Leslie:'Hey, maybe Gayle has one of those Oliver Sacks brain disorder thingies?' / 'I think you solved it.' [Leslie dismisses him]

Ben · Donna:Donna: 'I don't remember saying anything about anyone being pregnant.' — Ben's reaction beat: 'Oh. Interesting.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'When we went to Hawaii, you woke me up at 3:00 A.M. to watch Meet the Press. Well, it was Elizabeth Warren. Like, I'm not going to watch that live?'

Ben · Leslie:Okay, here's the text I added a few more jokes, slamming Eagleton at the end. / Mmm. That's the sexiest thing you've ever said to me.

Ben · Chris:Think fast. / Oh, my God. / Hey, Dr. Buttons-- I mean, my old calculator. It doesn't have a name.

Ben:Butch Count-sidy and the Sum-dance Kid, together again.

Ben · Chris · Leslie:Auditing bros! / Yeah, and auditing sistah. Let's do this.

Ben · Leslie:Oh, you're coming? / If there's a problem with Eagleton, I wanna be there. That's like a dream come true.

Leslie · Ben:If you make your omelet out of Faberge eggs, you just might... / Be an Eagletonian.

Ingrid · Ben:We don't really like to talk about money. We find it a little gauche. / This is a budget meeting.

Ben:Are you tipping me? Is that 100... Euros?

Ben · Chris:Their debt-to-equity ratio is ridonkulous. / What a hilarious word. It reminds me of a ridiculous donkey.

Leslie · Ben:Now that is the sexiest thing you've ever said to me. / Really, that?

Leslie · Ben:You pretend you're Ingrid. Let's pretend this box is the basket of apples I bet them on the game. / I see where you're going with this. / No, you don't. / Yeah, you're gonna ask me if I like apples-- / Do you like apples? / We just watched this movie two nights ago, so-- / Do you like apples? / I don't wanna do this. / How about them apples?

Ben · Ingrid:Was a bankruptcy brunch the best idea? / Sure, let's not have brunch... like animals.

Leslie · Ben:And if you walk out that door, none of us here, and I repeat, none of us will ever help you again. / Oh, my God. They have Michael Buble on retainer.

Ben · Chris:Think fast. / Oh! / Why do people keep assuming I'm ready to catch things?

Ben:I do like a good internal rhyme.

Ben · Leslie:Just one second. / Yeah. / I'm just gonna help them out, okay? / Mm. / Just for an hour.

Ann · Ben:Oh, my God. I'm having one. / A contraction? / No. Dude, I'm, like, three months pregnant. I-I know. I'm just so excited. / The thing I'm having is a gut feeling.

Unknown Voice · Ben:Attention: Eagleton is now under martial law. / No.

Ben:Party's over. You guys lost millions of taxpayer dollars, and we have to clean up the obscene mess you've made.

Ben · Chris:When we were state auditors, we had an amazing system. Yeah, Chris pumped everyone up and made them feel positive and happy. And I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons. / Like a majestic alley-oop.

Chris · Ben · Ben:You're all amazing! / You're all fired. / Teamwork.

Ben · Chris:400 Segway scooters. Sell 'em. They're gone. / You had six full-time baristas on the payroll. The baristas are gone. As are the masseurs. And the full-time barista who provided coffee for the masseurs.

Ben · Chris:I know who I'm gonna use to calculate tax and tip. / Me?

Ben · Chris:How's your salad? / Well, it's called the 'Good Earth Salad,' but really, it's just cheese, toffee, and gummy bear worms. / This town is really unhealthy.

Ben:I forgot that this part of being accounting bros was actually pretty depressing. I mean, after the intense, almost meth-like high of solving accounting puzzles, we were always just beat at the end of the day.

Ben:You'd exercise. I'd re-watch Twin Peaks, then hit the Twin Peaks message boards and read The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer to find Easter Eggs I'd missed.

Chris · Ben:Something healthy! A cherry tomato. / Nope. / A gumball. / Ooh!

Jamm · Ben:Councilman Jamm addresses Ben: 'That's right, Stretch. And looking mighty fly in that suit, brother.'

Ben:Ben talking-head about roller skating: 'I have a thing for women in skates, okay? Everyone has a thing, and that's mine. As far as things go, it's pretty innocuous. I could be one of those dudes that kisses mannequins or whatever.'

Ben · April:Ben's talking-head about the DJ: 'I just asked the DJ what REM albums he has. He's got Monster, but not Automatic for the People.' April: 'Wow.' Ben: 'I know. It's like, what is this, a mid-'90s party? No, it's an early '90s party.'

Leslie · Ben · Larry:Leslie practicing a synchronized couples' skate to 'Losing My Religion' while Larry/Jerry watches and evaluates

Ben:Ben's talking-head about Leslie filibustering in roller skates: 'I know this is a dire situation. But I swear to God, this is like a crazy sex fantasy for me.'

Ben · Leslie · Milton:Leslie asks how long she's been talking. Ben says 'eight minutes.' Leslie considers yielding. Ben: 'Milton doesn't have a lot of time left on Earth.' [to the elderly councilman]. Then immediately: 'Hey, just kidding, bud.'

Ben:Ben's talking-head: 'This is literally the most exciting thing that I have ever seen.'

Ben:Ben: 'I mean, think about it. Where else on earth would you rather spend your birthday with Leslie?' Beat. 'Well, maybe the birthday party she's throwing for me right now.'

Ben:Ben: 'Once she starts thinking about birthday cake, she's basically useless until she eats birthday cake.'

Ben · Jamm:Jamm tries to mess with Leslie; Ben: 'Hey, man. Leave my gong alone. The reverb is the best part.'

Ben:Ben reads the city charter trying to find Leslie a bathroom break option: 'She's dancing around like she's a character in one of those Peanuts cartoons.'

Ben · Leslie:Session is adjourned. Leslie, running: 'Yes! You were amazing.' Ben: 'I love you, but move. I have to go to the whizz palace.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie, running past everyone, stops briefly to fix her hair in a mirror. Ben: 'She didn't have time to hug me, but she could do that?'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie asks why she'd need roller skates if they're not going to the party. Ben: 'Then, why would you need to put on roller skates?' Leslie: 'Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're just... Just. Skates.'

Ben:Ben: 'Remember last year when no one would get flu shots 'cause there was a rumor they turned you European?'

Ben:Ben: 'Too nothing.'

Ben:Ben: 'Damn. It is a baller move. What are we gonna do now, Leslie?'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie: 'I love loose cannon-ing. I love the power of no consequences.' Ben: 'Unfortunately, there has been one consequence. I just got fired from Sweetums.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben: 'H-2-flow is fluoride, right?' Leslie: 'I think so. I'll double-check with Tom, but I'm, like, 95% sure.'

Leslie · Ben:Ben and Leslie look at each other after both losing their jobs: 'Weird, huh?' 'You and I -- we always land on our feet, right?' Then: 'Uh-oh! Guess who won that plain blue T-shirt?'

Ben:Ben says he gave Leslie a 'kind nod' as his form of extra support on her last day

Ben:Ben says what Leslie really wants more than anything: 'A nice candle. I'm screwed.'

Ben:Ben asks how many times the lawyer made Tom turn the note over

Ben:Ben tries to order a 'sad and slow' singing telegram for Leslie, requests something from the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack. The telegram service hangs up.

Leslie · Ben:Leslie agonizes over potentially having left salt packets at her desk — 'Maybe I should go back for those?'

Ben:Ben: 'Honey, it's okay, there'll be other salt packets. But not the kind that snaps in half, maybe.'

Ben · Dexhart:Ben interrupts the list with 'Well, at least you won't have to deal with that guy anymore' — as Dexhart continues reading 'Lieutenant Wilhelm Von Penis'

Ben:Ben pitches Leslie running against Dexhart with a description that's obviously her but doesn't say her name: 'Someone who is smart and hard-working and who knows the job because she's done it already and is also blond and named Leslie and loves you.'

Ben:Ben describes Dexhart's district: 'It's basically a dumping ground for old shipping containers. It's like a raccoon shantytown.'

Leslie · Ben:The second banner read: 'Perv Dexxxhrt equals... birthday mouse'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie corrects the banner: 'Rat! That's the closest thing I could get to a rat.' The rat on the banner is a birthday mouse.

Ben · Leslie:Ben's surprise gift for Leslie turns out to be Paris

Leslie · Ben · Ron:Leslie compliments Ben's slacks in a professional city manager meeting, escalating into mutual declarations of love while Ron sits silently furious

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben reveal they rehearsed finishing each other's sentences — naked in bed

Leslie · Ben:'I think our love made him angry' / 'I think he broke my wrist. I'm not kidding.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie's farmers market signs: 'Peas be kind to others,' 'In case of fire, romaine calm,' 'You won't bay leaf how nice olive our vendors are'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie arrives at Ben's car in the parking lot with a binder and argues that the parking lot is city hall property, defeating the firewall

Ben:Ben: 'Good day, colleague.' — formal greeting to his wife after the firewall conversation

Leslie · Ben:The new farmers market rule book targeting Chardbodies includes 'No chard-related innuendo' as a universal rule

Ben:Ben: 'This is un-charded territory for us.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben realize they can't move because their legs are numb from the fountain

Ben · Nolan:Nolan's farmers market after dark opens at exactly 5:00 PM; Ben: 'Well, if this is the way people want to buy their produce, so be it.' / 'This town is full of lunatics.'

Leslie · Ben:Final tag: Leslie and Ben try the chard and both react with disgust. Leslie: 'It's like a tree barfed in my mouth.'

Tom · Ben:I'm gonna do what I do best-- lock down deals. And dork-asaurus over here is gonna handle the boring stuff. You said you genuinely valued my business acumen. Also, I'm your boss.

Tom · Ben:Okay, how about this one-- Lasik for fingernails? Cut your fingernails once, never have to cut 'em again. All we need is a complicated laser I have no idea how to build. Seems impossible.

Tom · Ben:Uh-oh! 'Saltweens!' Saltines for tweens. Seems...unnecessary?

Ben:Restaurants were ranked number one in Accounting Magazine's 'Riskiest Businesses' issue. That was their last issue before they folded, actually. Magazines are also very risky.

Tom · Ben:I can't believe an angel investor floated down from the heavens, and I don't even have anything to pitch him. Come on, you must've had one good business idea. You're 52 years old!

Ben · Tom:You would be the middleman between dry cleaners and the companies that sell chemicals to dry cleaners. Wow! Right? You're right, man. That is not sexy.

Ben · Tom:Now I know what you're thinking. What if it's a cleaner who wants to buy glycol ethers? Ben, stop! This is so boring! This is like listening to a TED talk by the color beige.

Tom · Ben:Well, I sold tons of awesome stuff. Guess it makes sense my next challenge is to sell something mind-numbingly dull. Dull? Does this look dull to you? Ahhhh.

Tom · Ben:Why does that say 'dry cleaning chemical transactional holding company?' Ben! You brought the wrong easel. God! Can't take this guy anywhere.

Ben · Tom:Really happy that worked out for you, Tom, but you kinda sold me out back there. I know, and I'm sorry. But Mitch asked me what I was passionate about, and honestly I'm never gonna be passionate about dry cleaning chemicals.

Ben · Tom:Then count me in as the second investor in Tom's Bistro. Thanks, man. I know this is a symbolic gesture, but my investor floor is $1,000. So as of now, you own zero shares. Cool! Thanks for clearing that up.

Ben · Leslie · Department Staff:Ben dramatically introduces the new city website with a fanfare ('Dun-da-da-dah!') — and the entire room ignores the features to fixate on a panda game on the front page.

Ben · Staff:Look, you can even play ping-pong. [chaos erupts, people fight to play first]

Ben:I think if you click on the bamboo, it puts on a top hat.

Tom · Larry/Gary/Jerry · Ben:A Larry voodoo doll? Tom, that's so sweet. Thanks. [immediately pokes it, Larry says 'Ow!']

Ben:There is New York, the city that never sleeps. And then there is Glenwater, Florida, home of America's most violent Walmart parking lot.

Leslie · Joan Callamezzo · Ben:Isn't 'Juan' a man's name? / No, it means 'flower.' / I think it means 'John.'

Ben:The current leader is 'Pawnee, welcome to Douche nation.'

Ben · Leslie:Okay, I know we should figure out how to fix this. But I'm starting to get kind of turned on imagining you as a dictator, is that bad? / No, it's okay.

Leslie · Ben:Damn it, I almost pulled that off. / No, you really didn't.

Ben:You didn't somehow get the email addresses for every person who voted for the 'Stick up the butt' slogan and then write each of them a personalized heartfelt email telling them to do the right thing and vote for a real slogan?

Ben:Look what they did to Peebo. He's wearing a hat made of penises.

Ben · Tom:Watch cologne. Cologne for watches.

Ben · April · Tom (absent):I didn't want Tom to leave, so I said all these bad things about the restaurant, so he wouldn't like them. / Damn, we should have coordinated. I don't want to lose that weird little elf either. That's why I showed him all those crappy places. / Oh, I thought you were just bad at your job.

Forum Attendee · Larry · Other Attendee · Leslie · Ben:The sweet older woman's slogan 'When you're here, then you're home' — with 'then' spelled wrong, escalating to multiple people arguing about whether 'you're' is also spelled wrong

Larry/Gary/Jerry · Leslie (in earpiece) · Ben · Multiple Forum Attendees:Hm... there's... that's... that's spelled wrong. / Stay strong. Let them work it out. / Back off. / 'You're' is spelled wrong. It should be 'y-o-u-r.' / Oops, I didn't catch it. Thank you. / No, no, no, she made a possessive. She's getting further away.

Ben:Ben: 'Are you listening to yourself?' — after Leslie says 'Trust Larry'

Ben · Leslie:You fixed the mistakes. / I held it together for the entire meeting. Let me have this one. / I'm done micromanaging. I promise. / Then I'm sure you are okay with the fact that they installed the sign the wrong way and it's welcoming you to Pawnee as you're leaving. / What? No! Oh, son of a...

Ben:Leslie, I love you, very much. But this is the stupidest thing you've ever said. You'd be amazing. And everyone's gonna be in awe of how amazing you are, so just shut your mouth.

Leslie · Ben:Plus, every time I start talking to you, five seconds later, I want to jump your bones. — Oh, let's do that instead. — See, that's what I'm talking about.

Tom · Ben:No. Why'd you invite Larry? — He's been doing all the paperwork for this deal. He deserves to come. — Remember you said that when Larry's farting up the car.

Ben:Larry isn't that bad. He's nice. And frankly, I don't care who knows that I said that, as long as no one knows that I said that.

Harvey · Ben:A tent without flaps is basically a parachute. — An unfolding charge? A noise damage waiver? How can noise damage tents? — Shh. Keep your voice down, please, there's tents here.

Harvey · Ben · Tom:For every line item that you two idiots disagree with, there's gonna be a $50 discussion surcharge. — $400. — A discussion surcharge? That's nuts. — $450.

Tom · Larry · Ben:Aw, man, did I miss a Larry fart? — Oh, no, uh, we were just-- Yeah, Tom. Yeah, I-I really ripped one. Didn't I, Ben? — Yeah. Yeah, it was loud. Smells like a hippopotamus took a dump on a skunk.

Tom · Ben:What, you're charging us for coffee? What kind of a business-- uh-oh.

Ben:Ann had her baby! Wow, this has been fun. The bill is already paid.

Ben:May I gently suggest that you check out Chris Traeger's wonderful therapist Dr. Richard Nygard. Although there is a tiny part of me that always thought it was just Chris talking into a mirror.

Ben · Tom · Larry:We're dead. The only tent store this guy doesn't own is 300 miles away. — Oh, hang on. Here's a place that might work. It's called Sweaty Roger's Pants Tent. — Oh, no, you can't rent tents there.

Tom · Larry · Ben:Whoa! Larry, this is great stuff. Never thought I would say it, but I'm a genius for making you stay outside and do a menial task. — Couldn't agree more. You did it, Tom.

Tom · Ben:First off, I need to know where you got these zebra-print pillows. Second of all, I got a Tin Cup Blu-Ray itching for a Rene Russo signature. — Tom.

Ben · Larry · Tom:And Larry, he's the guy that brought you down, and he's gonna be watching you like a hawk. — Oh, hey. I'm Larry. Great to know you. I love tent world. — God! Can you just be cool for one second?

Ben:I like Larry. He is a good friend and a fine man with an inexplicably gorgeous wife — I mean, to the point where it makes no sense at all. Sorry. Getting off track. He is a nice person, and we should all stand up and say, 'I...'

Ben:I like Larry. He is a good friend and a fine man with an inexplicably gorgeous wife — I mean, to the point where it makes no sense at all. Sorry. Getting off track. He is a nice person, and we should all stand up and say, 'I...'

Ben · Leslie · Tom · Larry:Ben! No! What are you doing? — Uh, he's embarrassing himself and throwing away his career. — Sweetheart, stop. — O, captain, my captain. — What is happening? — Larry is my friend.

Ben:I can't hear! And I'm dying!

Ben:Well, this just keeps getting weirder.

Leslie · Ben:Plus, I made out with Harvey from the A.V. Club. Hmm, I think I'm jealous of Harvey. You shouldn't be. A few weeks later, he almost died from a VCR electrocution.

Ben:Well, I thought you'd never ask, because we're nearing 40.

Ben:I did DJ a little back in the day. I had a show called 'Zoot Suit Wyatt' on Carleton College radio. Tuesdays from 3:00 to 5:00 A.M., I was the king of swing.

Ben:I mean, we're basically vibe curators.

Ben:I hope that high school auditorium's big enough, 'cause I'm bringing 10,000 maniacs.

Tom · Ben:Sometimes it's really hard to be friends with you. Thank God we don't have to be seen together. Yes, we do. We're co-DJs. Not anymore.

Ben · Andy:Ben and Andy's pre-prom hype sequence: 'Pawnee! Class of '99! Uh-huh! Ooh!'

Ben:I specifically requested elliptical cartridges for the turntables. How am I supposed to keep my Husker Du albums in near-mint condish?

Ben · Leslie:I can't believe he gave you an A-plus. Oh, did he? I didn't even notice. No bigs.

Tom · Ben:Tom: 'Not a 2 Chainz crowd. I'll throw on some yeezy in a second.' Ben: 'Jeezy? Weezy?'

Ben:Hey, what's grizzledump? And why is trinking on it bad?

Ben:I don't know what's cool anymore. What's grizzledump, Ben? What's grizzledump?

Teenager · Ben:Hey, I love this song! / You actually like this? / Yeah, dude, it's classic rock.

Ben:Well, there's more where that came from, snoopies! Sorry. Tried to use slang. That just came out.

Ben · Teenager:I only listen to CDs. It's the way music like this was meant to be heard. But it's not even auto-tuned.

Ben:I have never told you this, but I actually have a ten-point scale for how insane you are being. I observe your behavior, and if it's a five or below, I say nothing.

Ben:If it reaches a six, like for example the incident with the girls' soccer uniforms back in '05...

Ben:A seven is when I lock you in your office until you cool down. This Allison Gliffert thing may have hit an eight. I have the police on standby.

Ben:My life is over. I'm officially old and uncool. Might as well start wearing a plaid shirt and a tie and khakis and whatever shoes you're wearing.

Tom · Ben:And, hey, you may be old, but you'll never be as old as me. Yeah. You're old as shit.

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben's talking head: 'I cannot tell the difference between what's supposed to be slam poetry and what's just him talking.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie recoiling from shaking hands after Chipp McCapp news: 'Wait, no, I don't want to touch your hand. Wow!'

Leslie · Ben:The Chipp McCapp fan nickname: 'We are huge Chippmunks. That's what his fans call themselves. I don't know why. Chippmunks. Because of the animal? No, that's too simple.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie/Ben listening to the song a second time: 'Let's play it again. Play it again.'

Ben:Ben says he studied botany for three years at Purdue ('Go Boilermakers!') as qualification to attend a wine event

Tom · Ron · Ben · April · Donna:The group that Tom didn't invite keeps joining: Ron, Ben, and others all 'tag along' to the vineyard, leaving Tom exasperated

Tom · Ben:Tom: 'Listen, grandpas. When we get to the vineyard, there'll be a lot of fancy people there. Please, I beg you, don't embarrass me.' Ben: 'How would we embarrass you?' Tom: 'You're already doing it. I begged you.'

Ron · Ben · Craig:Ron, Craig, and Ben all immediately react to blueberry wine: 'Holy hell, that's a lot of alcohol.' — and they order four bottles

Ron · Ben:Ron reacting to Ben's phone update: 'Oh. Phone water.' — describing Leslie's incoherence

Ben:Ben: 'It's as dead as Stanley Kubrick.' — describing his dead phone

Ron Swanson · Ron Dunn · Ben:Ron and Ben encounter the Eagleton Ron Dunn appearing from nowhere in the dark: 'Whoa! Where'd you come from? Uh, that's a complicated question. All depends on whether your conception of time is linear or circular.'

Ben · Ron Dunn:Ben: 'Dude. Are you a ghost?' Ron Dunn: 'Am I?'

Ron Dunn · Ron Swanson · Ben:Ron Dunn proposes a role-play: 'Let's role-play. I'll be your father. And, Ron, you take the role of Ben's anger.'

Ben · Ron Dunn:Ben's spirit animal is a baby snow owl. Ron Dunn: 'He's right.' — completely serious

Ron Dunn · Ben:Ron Dunn's inspirational speech about Ben 'emerging from his cocoon' and 'will you fly?' — followed by Ben bluntly: 'Yeah, I don't feel any better. I'm still angry. Damn it.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben's tearful resolution about the lake house: 'I want to start our family. I mean, I know things are crazy, but there's no good time. And I want to do it. Now.' Leslie: 'Well, buddy, I've got some good news for you.'

Ben · Leslie:Maybe you should start taking it easy. You're stressing out for two now. / Hmm, that's actually a pretty decent t-shirt idea.

Ben · Leslie:He's a little weird. / Mm-hmm.

Dr. Saperstein · Leslie · Ben:There is no reason for you not to be yourself. / [Laughs] I win. / It wasn't a competition.

Ben:The baby has two bodies?

Dr. Saperstein · Ben:Leslie, I need you to be Buddha on quaaludes, and, Ben, you are Matthew McConaughey in a hammock on the beach. / All right, all right. All right.

Ben:I just multiplied all our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot higher. I think I heard the computer laugh at me.

Ben · Leslie:Are you ready to go, my gentle dove? / Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing, and I love you.

Ben:We are so [bleep] screwed.

Ben:Leslie is already the queen of stress, so I have to be like her stress shamwow. I wrap myself around her, I soak up all of her stress, and then after the kids are born, someone can squeeze me out into a bucket.

Ben · Andy:Andy, you can say 'Okay.' / Okay. Bye. / I didn't mean to say 'Bye.'

Ben · Pearl:Come on, Pearl, jump in. Don't make me pull the permits on your rental units. / Hey, all the paperwork on those buildings are under my dog's name, so if you got a problem, take it up with Princess.

Ben:Guys, come on, now. This is signed by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Just think about all their great songs, covering everything from the culture of Southern California to drug use in Southern California.

Ben · Old Herman:Why would you erase the signatures? / I'm more of a Jack Johnson guy.

Ben · Leslie:Ben cuts his hand on the guitar strings during the struggle; blood everywhere; Leslie screams for a doctor, then a coroner.

Old Herman · Ben:You have very weak hands. / Why would you say that?

Ben:I'm totally fine, babe. Everything is a-okay coolio beans.

Ben · Leslie:We spent too much money on macaroons. / Okay, wait, what's the number for the Louvre? I mean, maybe I can get a refund. We barely looked at the Mona Lisa.

Ben:I'm shamwowing all of your stress, and there's no one here to wring me out.

Leslie · Ben:You just look so crazy right now, but cute. You're always stressed out. How are you calm right now?

Ben:I don't know, it sounds pretty good to me. The windy city, me, my lady, my boy Lar-bones...

Ben:Also, can you bring back Power Rangers? I don't know what it is you do, but you seem important enough to get that done.

Ben · Leslie:Sorry, Lester. Yours is right here.

Ben:No idea. (talking head — Ben answering 'What does Gryzzl do?')

Ben:We lead the country in online pizza ordering. In fact, a lot of people go to the library just to order pizza online.

Ben:Sure, obviously, we're no Akron. I mean, we're more like Dayton. But with your help, we can become Toledo.

Gryzzl employee · Ben:We don't like to say the word 'no'... No. ...at this company.

Gryzzl employee · Ben:'Nah, bro.' How is that better?

Ben:Every time someone in Pawnee clicks through a slideshow of American Music Award red carpet sideboob fails, they'll say, 'Thank you, Ben Wyatt.'

Ben:Are they throwing dirt into a fan? The key is, you have to throw the dirt into the back of the fan.

Ben:There can't be an alchemist of the Hinterlands. The Hinterlands is a shadow kingdom that can only sustain a provost or a denier.

Gryzzl employee · Ben:You wanna be corporal or warrior? Neither. I'm the maverick.

Ben · Gryzzl employees:I play an action card to build a Belltower inside your Citadel. / My shaman casts a Toyber spell on your prosperity tile.

Ben:You're a smart guy. You've clearly picked up some flashy tricks. But you made one crucial mistake. You forgot about the essence of the game. It's about the cones.

Ben:It's about the cones.

Ben:I move my abbot to the ocean hex, which moves my brinksman to the devil's lair, and pushes my farmer, yes, my humble farmer, directly into the central cone.

Andy · Ben:Yeah, man! We did it! This whole company is ours! / Oh, no, it's not. That's mine. That's mine. It's all mine.

Ben:I mean, it's all over the Internet. Austin, Charlotte, San Diego. I mean, people are playing with my cones, babe.

Ben · Leslie:Wait. I'm on Endor. / These are the redwoods George Lucas used to create the forest moon of Endor. Sorry, that's not why we're here. Let's go.

Ben · Leslie:Smoothly handled, Lester. Yeah. I panicked.

Ben · Jamm · Cherry Pie cover band:What is that? / Just general rock, man. It's gonna be fun. / She's my cherry pie, oh yeah yeah yeah

Ben:I hope you like deep-dish pizza, because there's gonna be a lot more of it in Chicago, where we're all gonna be moving.

Ben · Barney (accountant):This is amazing. How can I ever repay you? / Come work for us at the accounting firm? / Okay. / No, sorry, I can't. / Wow. Shortest one yet.

Leslie · Ben:Everybody turned me down but Larry. / Ouch. Yeah.

Andy · Ben · Leslie:Ben, how many bags of marshmallows do I give them? / None. Just let April do everything. / Oh, God, one day in the distant future, things will be calm and normal, right? / Probably not. But that's okay.

Andy · Ben:Ben, how many bags of marshmallows do I give them? / None. Just let April do everything.

Leslie · Ben:Oh, God, one day in the distant future, things will be calm and normal, right? / Probably not. But that's okay.

Ben:I left a rusty hacksaw on the table, so the first person who hacks their face off gets release.

Ben:Game of Thrones is on tonight. It's the series finale. Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow. Oh, God, that show has really gone off the rails.

Ben:It makes sense if you've read the books.

Ben · Ron · Leslie:[Morning: Ron playing saxophone, Leslie singing badly, office covered in beer bottles and balloon debris; Ben walks in] 'Well, this is different from what I expected to find.'

Leslie · Ron · Ben:[Leslie and Ron, having apparently reconciled, are discovered the next morning — Ron playing saxophone, Leslie singing wrong Billy Joel lyrics, both drunk/hungover at 2 PM]

Ben · Craig:Morning, guys. / What did you do to the office? Ron, you're wearing my yoga clothes. You're gonna stretch out the elastic.

Ben:I moved our meetings to tomorrow because you are drunk and hungover simultaneously at 2:00 in the afternoon.

Leslie · Ben:Do you think I could have 30 seconds? That's all. — She's fading.

Ben:All three of them just bumped into each other and broke everything you own.

Ben:Let's just make, like, three more, so that each one of them can have a friend.

Ben:Whoa! What was that? That was huge! Hang on, this is Congress you're talking about, like, where bills become laws.

Ben:Or woman. I mean, equal rights. No, that doesn't apply.

Jen Barkley · Ben:Hey, guys. / Nope, too hard.

Ben · Mr. Meagle · Grace Callahan:Uh, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Meagle, I presume? — I am Mr. Meagle, but we're divorced. — I'm Grace Callahan. — Well, I'm sorry, Ms. Callahan. — It's Doctor Callahan. — Well, I hope that you are a podiatrist or a dentist, because I seem to have a case of foot-in-mouth disorder.

Ben:What? It's you! I love you! You're my sexy roommate. We love each other.

Leslie · Ben:Whoo! He's talking about me. — Yes, I am, babydoll!

Ben:And I am Ben Wyatt, and I very much approve this message!

Unknown · Ron · Ben:You want me to shut that down? — No, I like it. — Let the little man dance. — Hey!

Leslie · Ben:Last night was so fun. But my head died. — Mine's filled with concrete.

Ben · Leslie:Jen posted the campaign ad. It's everywhere. I'm running. — How could she do this to— Oh, God, I'm remembering things. We called Jen last night, didn't we?

Ben · Jen:I know I left you a message last night, but I really do think you should have checked with me before throwing me into this. — No, Ben, I'm sorry, you left me four messages last night.

Ben · Leslie:♪ 8-6-7-5-3-0-9 ♪ — I love that song. — ♪ Jenny, I've got your number ♪ — Hey, babe, it's ringing!

Ben:How in the world am I supposed to run for office? Our lives are like one big unexpected stuffed zebra emergency.

Ben · Leslie:Honey, you have never been neutral on anything in your life. You have an opinion on pockets. / Yes, I think they should all be bigger.

Ben · Leslie · Reporters:Reporters ambush Ben holding zebras while asking about his congressional run

Ben:I'm dealing with an actual problem right now. Which, by the way, is what I do for a living.

Donna · Ben · Donna:Wyatt, why didn't you tell us you're running for congress? — Well, we didn't want to steal your thunder. — Steal my thunder? I'm sorry, have you seen how I'm wearing this dress?

Leslie · Ben · Tom · Jerry/Garry:— To Ben. — Donna and Joe. — To me. I own my own restaurant and several other properties. That's always worth celebrating.

Ben · April:Any time your name comes up, I panic and change the subject to the Twin Peaks reboot until she gets bored. So, you talk for one second?

Andy · Ben · Ron:All those years together at the Parks Department, and you never told us you had a brother. [Ron] You worked at the Parks Department? [Ron] Tour is over.

Ben:Hey. It is 'actuarily' very good to see you guys.

Ben:Ben! [colleague] They like me here.

Ben · Andy:Does that compound your interest? Huh? What do you say? Huh, Barney? [Ben] Ben, that was amazing.

Andy · Ben:Ben, that was amazing. / Thank you.

Ben:It's just a signed photograph of a puppet named ALF.

Donna · Ben:And $500 cash, in case you want to go the straight-up bribe route. [Ben] Donna.

Ron · Ben:Ben and Ron's pitch to Barney for April, ending with Ron: 'Please don't hold anything Andy did against April.'

Jen · Leslie · Ben:Looks like we're gonna have to skip the pie baking event and the ceremonial squash toss. Oh, really? We have to skip that? I love watching those squashes fly through the air. I kind of like the way they land.

Ben · Leslie · Jen:Ben is confused — he says 'I was talking to Leslie' and Leslie says 'Me, Leslie? Yeah.'

Ben:kids tucked in, books read, three simultaneous meltdowns for no reason, kids tucked back in, one of them briefly got outside somehow

Ben:I even got an extra whipped cream can, one for baking, one for directly into mouth.

Ben · Elise:Babe, the oven's ready. Chop-chop, time to get bakin'. Daddy want pie.

Ben · Leslie:And then we flip the antiquated tradition right on its head. Exactly. But more importantly, we change the idea of what a pie is. I feel like that's not more important, but I like the energy that we have, so let's hear it.

Leslie · Ben:Okay, picture this... Crust on the bottom. Filling. Crust on top. What am I describing? A pie. No. But you're in the right 'zone.' Oh. Calzone! Sure!

Ben:Talking 'bout the highway to the calzone zone

Leslie · Ben:It's actually Ms. Knope. And actually, right now it's Mr. Wyatt.

Ben:Now, pack your suitcases, because we're going to a little town called Napoli... In Italy.

Ben · Male Men Leader:Excuse me, free me from what? From the tyranny of women. We are the Male Men.

Leslie · Ben · Male Men Leader:He has five personalized aprons. Oh. So I guess he was asking for it because of the way he was dressed?

Ben:Good afternoon. I'm here today to share with you all my vision for the economic future of Southern Indiana. But first, Leslie Knope, my wife, has a brief statement.

Ben:I love how independent my wife is, and because of that, I will not let her speak. That came out wrong.

Leslie · Ben:And by the way, no one's ever asked me that question. No one asks me, 'Where are your kids?' Or, 'Who's taking care of them?' By the way, who is taking care of the kids right now? My mom, babe. Everything's fine.

Jen · Ben:I'd say that's fifty-fifty boos and cheers. Yeah. That seems about right.

Male Men Member · Ben · Leslie:Let Ben speak! Let Ben speak! He just spoke. Oh. Sorry. I just got here. I had a broken bike chain. My bad.

Ben · Leslie:Ben gives the group a signal to cheer for Leslie's announcement, which turns out to be the extremely dry 'Senior Executive Service Development Candidate Program at the Department of the Interior'

Garry · Ben:Garry announces his retirement and is immediately told 'This is about people who are moving, Garry. Not everything is about you.'

Garry · Ben:'Also I'm retiring.' / 'That's three, Garry.'

Ben:'Well, you jinxed us, Garry. Thanks a lot.'

April · Ben:'Oh, yeah, you completely disgraced yourself and destroyed an entire town.' / 'Yeah, I said we all remember.'

Bobby Newport · April · Ben:Bobby Newport can't remember what office Leslie ran for: 'How's Leslie? Is she still, um... uh... Oh. What was that thing we ran for again?' / 'City councilor.' / 'I don't know. All right, if you say so.'

Bobby Newport · Ben:Bobby Newport: 'I can't do it, though... I'm getting ready to go on a big trip, to space.' / 'That'll be really fun too.' / 'Everything in life is always just so fun, right?' / 'It really is.'

Bobby Newport · Ben:Bobby Newport: 'Everything in life is always just so fun, right?' — then inviting Ben to space, pitching the Russian rocket guys as 'cool with it'

Ben · Young candidate:Ben meets a very young mayoral candidate who says 'You should be President of the universe' / 'I really would make an incredible mayor. But, sadly, I cannot, because I'm only 27 years old.' / 'Really? So you were born in the 1990s?' / 'Ooh! Mmhmm.'

The Douche · Ben:The Douche (a shock-jock DJ) enters and immediately says 'I'm gonna turn the mayoral office into my oral office.' / 'What?' / 'My oral office! Boom! Thought of it a second ago, had to pop back in. Had to?'

Ben · Garry:Ben: 'I can't believe I'm about to be the mayor.' Garry: 'I can't believe I'm about to notarize it.'

Ben · Garry:Ben and Garry's excitement about notarizing the new mayor: 'I can't believe I'm about to be the mayor.' / 'I can't believe I'm about to notarize it.'

Ben · Garry:Ben decides not to be mayor and reflects: 'I like that Ice Town happened, and I don't want to erase it.' / Garry: 'Okay, I wasn't listening to anything you just said. But who is gonna be the mayor for the next two months, then?'

Ben · Leslie:Ben reveals he preemptively booked a backup flight because he 'figured something like this would happen'

Ben:Ben's costume: 'I am the Lamplighter, a character from my new board-game sequel "Cones of Dunshire: Winds of Tremorrah." Gameplay Magazine called it "punishingly intricate."'

April · Ben:"All right. Let's play." / '...No.' — April pretending to agree to Cones of Dunshire

Ben · Andy:Ben lures Andy to the kitchen 'to give him a hand' — Andy is impressed by this as 'secret agent stuff'

Ben:"Take one of our kids. We don't need all three."

Tom · Ben · Ron · Donna:Tom's boardroom pitch meeting: 'Accounting nerd.' / 'I'm a congressman, Tom. Can you at least call me Ben?' / 'No can do, accounting nerd. We all knew you before you were a big shot.'

Ben:Ben's calzone advocacy during Tom's restaurant expansion meeting: 'Side note — I would again strongly recommend adding calzones to the menu. Hey, all my data suggests that the country is definitely trending calzone.'

Ron · Ben:Ron visiting Ben in Washington: 'This city reeks of swampland and government overreach.' / 'Great to see you as always.'

Ron · Ben:Ron invested his gold and portfolio in... the Lagavulin Distillery (51% ownership): 'You now own 51% of the Lagavulin Distillery.'

Ron · Ben:Ron is offered dinner with the House Subcommittee on Foreign Affairs / 'I'll take that steak to go, please and thank you.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben is also approached about running for governor — the awkward simultaneous disclosure between Ben and Leslie

Ben · Leslie:Ben and Leslie's governor conversation: both pro/con lists are identical; 'The only con of you running would be that I don't get to run, and vice versa.'

Leslie · Ben · kids:Ben and Leslie's teenage kids blowing them off at dinner: 'Hey, I'm gonna eat in my room because I have to study.' / 'Can we go to Bobby's house and watch the game? Did you finish your homework? Yes. Okay. Don't forget to-- / Be back by 8:00. Bye, Dad. Bye, Mom.'

Ben:Ben explaining Cones of Dunshire to someone at the party: 'Oh, it's a common misconception that the Oculus holds all of the power. It's actually the Lamplighter.'