Ben Wyatt

Ben:Ben's blunt correction of Chris's optimism: 'he said that because that sounds a lot better than, we're going to gut it with a machete'

Ben:Ben's backstory reveal: 'When I was 18, I ran for Mayor of my small town and won' followed by 'Here's the thing, though, about 18-year-olds. They're idiots.'

Ben:Ben's admission that his parents grounded him after being impeached as mayor

Ben · Leslie:The revelation that Ben played 'Whoomp! There it is' at his mayoral swearing-in ceremony

Ben · Ann:The revelation that Ann was so drunk she gave Ben her phone instead of her phone number

Ben:The government has been shut for two days, and one city employee has tried to schedule 14 meetings with me. Can you guess who?

Leslie · Ben:Pawnee is better than Idaho. / No, Pawnee is not special. / Your department, all the way down here, is not a priority.

Ben · Leslie:You're non-essential. / That is not your call. / I know, it's on your badge.

Ron · Ben:Sell the zoo animals. / To whom? / Cosmetics labs? Weird restaurants? I'm just spit-balling here.

Ben:No other department has one to begin with.

Ben:When he would do it by himself, nothing got done, and when I did it by myself, I'd get death threats.

Ben · Chris:Mean Ben? / No, no, no. Mean Ben?

Ben:The biggest service was getting you to stop singing.

Ben · Andy:So, that just means that we're in maintenance mode. / Yeah! Jerry!

Ben:And quite frankly, throw things at you and call you names. Like Turd-boy. Whatever.

Leslie · Ben:Yes, I am. / No, you're not. / I'm great at being sneaky. / Clearly, you're not.

Ben:Look. When I was 18 and I became mayor of my hometown, I used every last dollar we had to open a giant winter sports complex. Called it Ice Town. And it turned out great and everyone loved it. Yeah, kind of. It was never completed, and I got impeached.

Ben:The newspaper headline was, 'Ice Town Costs Ice Clown His Town Crown.' They were big into rhymes.

Ben:That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBA finals.

Ben:Usually people don't care about anything. These people are weirdos, but they're weirdos who care.

Ben · Tom:Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb and so was that idea. - Seriously? - This is embarrassing for you.

Tom · Ben:So all I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my ex-wife. - And you imagine he's wearing a cape while he's plowing her?

Ben · Chief:Calzones. - What the hell is wrong with this guy?

Chief · Ben:You mean, like calzone-sized? - Ah! Sure.

Leslie · Ben:There's a really great calzone place over in Idiotville. - Oh, really? - Down on Terrible Idea Avenue.

Leslie · Ben:Calzones are pointless. They're just pizza that's harder to eat. No one likes them. Good day, sir. - Leslie, I... you know, I... - I'm just kidding. Let's go.

Ben · Tom:Boy, 35%? It's actually 34.2%. '34.2%.' I'm Ben, the numbers robot.

Ben · Tom:It's just an exact calculation. 'It's just an exact calculation.' All right.

Ben:Ice Town.

Ben:Game over, man. Game over.

Ben:There are a lot of cars. I mean, not too many. Trucks and stuff. But, you know...

Ben · Tom:RoboCop didn't have guns for arms. Oh, my God. That's so not the point, you nerd.

Ben:Look. Who hasn't had gay thoughts?

Ben:Is there a bird in here? I swear, I keep seeing a bird in this studio.

Ben:First of all, why does everyone in this town use AltaVista? Is it 1997?

Ben:About 83 cents. Per household. Before postage.

Ben:What's say we just stand here in silence. And think of ideas... for projects.

Ben:I mean, you're like the energizer bunny of city government.

Ann · Ben:Sounds good. - No, no.

Ben:Yeah. Apparently they want me to bring Avatar and 50 pairs of 3-d glasses and a 3-d-capable television.

Ben:To be honest with you, I wasn't a fan of, uh, Peter Jackson's interpretation.

Ben · Leslie:I did get in trouble for shaking one... Yeah, I'm not allowed there anymore.

Ben:Uh...

Ben:There is some weird juju in this room right now.

Leslie · Ben:Hey. Well, I think I'm allergic to chutney. Also, what's chutney? No clue.

Leslie · Ben:I just wanted to remind you of the art show that's happening tonight at the Community Center. It's gonna be a lot of fun. - Great. Great. - Yeah. Well, that sounds cool. That sounds like something that'll be a big success, you know? I mean, like everything that you, uh--that you put your--your--your paws on-- your fingers.

Chris · Ben:This isn't anything like your affair with Tom Haverford. - We weren't--you--you--

Tom · Ben:How hot is the woman that's looking for a place to stay? - No, it's me. I'm looking. - Oh, come on, that's not fair. You shouldn't have led me to believe it was a beautiful woman.

Ben:I've been staying at the Pawnee Supersuites Motel for seven months. It's a charming little inn with wonderfully random wake-up calls, delightfully unstable temperatures, and, as of yesterday, bedbugs. 'Four stars!' Says nobody.

Tom · Ben:I have a ritual, and it starts on the couch. - Ecch. - We sit down. - Okay. Yep. - Clap my hands. - Lights dim. - I understand. - Boyz II Men... - Please stop. - Fades in. - Nope. Nope.

Ben:Are you guys frying marbles?

Ben · April:Are you eating turkey chili off of a frisbee? It's pretty cute, right? No. Do you know what 'cute' means?

Ben · Andy:You guys--you wash your clothes in bubble bath? Eh, bubble bath, clothes soap, same thing. No, it's not. Well, they both make bubbles, so...

Andy · Ben:Which I organize into a pile or stack that I put into the freezer. - Why? - So they won't get lost.

April · Ben · Andy:Or we could buy a Wii. You can handle this. I don't know, man. Why don't you just do it? No, I can't. I--I...Have a date. Ooh, what's his name?

Ben:There's, like, a 30% chance they'll both die.

Ben:I mean, to be honest, that seems like the kind of thing I would do. And I didn't think you would give in.

Andy · Ben:She stole money from you. What? No, no, Andy, she did not.

Ben · Leslie:I think at some point, you and I should probably make out with each other. Yeah, good call.

Ben:The best part of any relationship is the beginning. No problems, no fights. Just white wine, cuddling, and crazy amounts of History Channel documentaries.

Ben:I mean, at one point, for no reason, I just took off my shoes and held them in my hand.

Leslie · Ben:When I first met you, I thought you were a fascist hard-ass. What? A cute fascist hard-ass.

Ben:Or we could go to Belize and go scuba diving. And we could look at the whale sharks. You're certified, right? Let's get you certified.

Leslie · Ben:Hello. Wrong. What? No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking.

Ben · Marlene:'You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.' I love Calvin and Hobbes. Me, too!

Ben:Your mom kind of, um, made a pass at me.

Leslie · Ben:How were you dressed? Oh, my God.

Marlene · Ben:Four buses. Two. Deal.

Ann · Ben:Leslie's busy, she's working on the Li'I Sebastian memorial service. But you know what? She did give me this note to give to you, and she also wanted me to kiss you deeply, which I'm going to have to pass on.

Ben:She drew a kiss monster on the note.

Ben · Ann:We just like to work in the same place, and then we talk and hold hands. Yuck, that's somehow worse.

Ben · Leslie:It's just a list of facts. What? Okay, mine says, 'You have a cute butt.'

Leslie · Ben:What was that tone? What? Oh, nothing. I'm very sad about this.

Ron · Ben · Leslie:Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night. Okay, okay. And this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss. Whoa. Eleanor likes the tongue.

Leslie · Ben:Oh, President Reagan, my blazer popped open. Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. It's gonna be a bumpy ride to this summit meeting. Our countries have had a very... special relationship...

Leslie · Ben:I won the MacArthur Genius Grant. Yeah. Yeah, so that's what the hug was all about.

Andy · Ben:Destroy my credit cards. Debt and everything? Mr. Mayor, I promise you that we will find the owner of that wiener, and we will punish him.

Ben:It's an L-shaped éclair. The 'L' is for Leslie, for your name.

Ben · Joe:stinkmaster69@alumni.sarahlawrencecollege.edu. Really? Sarah Lawrence? Yeah. I wanted a small college experience.

Ben · Joe:And you have the mumps. You might want to get that checked. Sweet. Someone's got mumps on his lumps.

Male employee · Ben:Perfect. Just as a backup, I'm sending you some photos. That will not be necessary. That's me.

Ben · Leslie:Leslie, there was a dude in the ladies' yacht club. Yeah, but I covered that pretty well.

Ben:Also, you've been making campaign speeches in your sleep. Granted, you always do that, but they got really specific and moving.

Ben:Hey, thanks for texting me to hang out. I really felt like we'd developed a cool friendship, and it... Anyway, it was just nice to have that validated

Ben:No, of course. Yeah, no. I'll just put on my Star Wars pajamas and sit in my mom's basement and pore over some spreadsheets

Ben:Yeah, sure, I'll take a look. Let's hit it. What do you... Right now? I have work. And I thought I had a friend

Tom · Ben:It's almost too easy. I can hear you. I know you can, Ben. That's how easy it is

Ben:I mean, I would guess they'll be bankrupt by the end of this sentence

Ben:Get rid of four of those accountants. You don't need five accountants

Ben:Tom told me that chair was $27,000. That chair, that has a roof

Ben:She's probably being paid upwards of $100,000 a year

Ben:If there's one thing Leslie's not, it's sloppy. She's also not brief. This is going to take forever.

Joan · Ben:Hi. Joan Callamezzo. Yeah. Hi, Ben Wyatt. We've met. I don't think so. Yeah, I was on your show. Nope.

Ben:I was the first one to tell you that?

Ben:You know, nerd culture is mainstream now. So, when you use the word 'nerd' derogatorily, it means you're the one that's out of the Zeitgeist.

Ben:They're making a sequel. I'm assuming with the same alternate timeline. But if J.J. Abrams and company expect us to believe that it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk well, let's just say the message boards are going nuts.

Tom · Ben:Say what you will about Joan, but she knows how to decorate a bedroom. Wow. Oh, my God. Where the hell am I? I just want to see how soft these sheets are. One second. Tom. No. Come on. Let's go.

Ben:Where you were born is a piece of trivia. Where you're from? That's what makes you who you are. And you are from Pawnee. You're more Pawnee than anyone I know.

Leslie · Ron · Ben:Damn it. He's right. Well said. Thanks, Ron. You're welcome, Steve.

Ben:And they would never cancel Game of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts. They're telling human stories in a fantasy world.

Ben:Although, I am just two sandwiches away from a free meatball sub.

Ben:This is the most stressed out I've ever been in my life.

Ben · Donna:I really want this dress, and I like this crystal beetle, but it's expensive and there's no use for it. / Donna Meagle? Treat Yourself.

Ben:Well, give it a minute. God.

Ben:My parents' method of problem solving is to kind of keep everything bottled up and just subtly hint at what's bothering them. And after 36 years, they are still divorced.

Ben:My name's Ben. I'm mad.

Ben:Damn it, I just love it so much.

Ben · Andy:Stop using my comforter for your pillow forts... It's going to be about 5,600 bucks. Deal?

Leslie · Ben:Well, they figure if people criticize them, it'll seem like they're attacking something very reasonable. That's weirdly brilliant.

Ben:That was a tragic day. LIVESTRONG. Mmm.

Ben:Wow, what an unbelievably unpleasant person.

Ben:I know what you're doing, Leslie. You know, you can't do this. You know, we broke up. And I kind of feel like we shouldn't hang out together, just the two of us. Because every time we do, it just makes it harder. You know?

Ben · Leslie:Oh, well, Shauna is not here. Oh. See what I did? I do. I'm very sneaky.

Ben:Leslie and I aren't dating anymore, but, uh, we're friends. So it's fun. It's just fun. It's fun... it's... fun... It is fun.

Ben:Shut up, Bulgaria!

Leslie · Ben:Or, as they say in Denmark... 'I'm back.' Most people speak English.

Ben · Leslie:You can't just chop up the aspects of a relationship into discrete parts and select the ones you want like a buffet. / Why not?

Andy · Ben · Andy:If you rearrange the letters of Peru, you could spell Europe. / That's... That's not true. / Well... You have to rearrange them.

Leslie · Ben:Ben, how are we gonna get Kathy Ireland to do naked aerobics for them? / Okay. I regret telling you that... very much.

Leslie · Ben:Well, I wanted to get here early, you know, get a feel of the room. - So you got here-- - 3:00 A.M.

Ben:Well, I wanted to sneak in before you got here-- an absurd pipe dream I now realize was impossible.

Leslie · Ben:Aw, thank you so much for making my life so wonderful. - You're welcome. - I was talking to him. - Of course. - But also to you.

Ben:So, if you miss me, you just look at this... Wrinkled, hideous monster and you'll know I'm sitting there rooting for you, okay?

Chris · Ben:Was all of this-- all the sneaking around, the scandal, losing your job-- Was it worth it? Yes. It was.

Ben · Leslie:What could that possibly be good on? Butterscotch pudding.

Ben:Why didn't I resign in disgrace 12 years ago?

Ben:Well, they call me 'the Swiss Army Accountant.' They don't call me that.

Ben:Calc-you-later.

Ben · Leslie:You're putting an awful lot of sal-gar on your pasta. This is just sugar.

Dennis Feinstein · Ben:I like you-- I've always liked you-- but I also like Eddie. Ed--who--who's Eddie? Eddie's my current CFO, but I might fire him and hire you.

Dennis Feinstein · Ben:You got kids? No. That's good. Dum-dum Eddie has two kids.

Jean-Ralphio · Ben:Are you nuts? This is probably the first time you've had off since you've been kid president. True or false? True.

Ben:Oh, my God, I'm pregnant. Wait, what? No, that's not it.

Ben:INSIGHTFUL.

Ben:OH, MY GOD.

Ben:NO, I DON'T THINK I BELIEVE YOU. IS THERE ANYONE I CAN ASK?

Ben:YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO LOOK LAID-BACK.

Ben:PUT THE PHONE DOWN, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, AND THEN YOU ARE GOING TO TELL STEVEN THAT YOU WILL BE TREATED WITH RESPECT, OKAY?

Ben:I-- I DON'T WORK HERE.

Ben:I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY GOOD FRIEND, ANYONE ELSE.

Ben:I HAVE A LOT OF ADRENALINE RIGHT NOW.

Ben:NO, NO, TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT INJURIES.

Ben:APRIL WINS TWO TICKETS TO THE PAWNEE MONO-PLEX.

Ben:SURE.

Ben · Leslie:Yachter Otter? Yep. Two months ago, I have a dream about a playboy otter lost at sea, and you make him real? I love it.

Leslie · Ben:Oh. A bomb? It is a cryptex, like in that movie The Da Vinci Code, which was the first movie that you and I ever watched on Starz HD.

Andy · Ben:Have you tried... That's a four-letter word. Add an 'S'?

Andy · Ben:Did you try... Yes. Why is that everyone's first suggestion?

Ben:'Follow me to the sheltered snow. Only 22 clues left to go.' 22? Well, this is the woman I've chosen to love.

Kevin · Ben:You really suck at this. Okay. Why don't you just tell me where it is, and I can get out of here? That would take all the fun out of it.

Andy · Ben:Weird stick. Might be a clue? No.

Ben · Ron:Ron, you're a genius. Li'l Sebastian. Yep. At first, you did not understand what made this tiny horse so special. And now, you love him more than I do.

Leslie · Ben:I really tried to make that hard. Yeah. I'm very impressed with you.

Ben · Leslie:Screw romantic dinners. Let's go rub it in their face. God, I love you so much.

Leslie · Ben:Scottish? White. Whatever you are.

Ben:Been a long time, eh, Cap'n? Or Captain. 'Oh, Captain, my Captain.' From Dead Poets Society.

Ben:I'm not afraid of cops. I have no reason to be. I never break any laws, ever. Because I'm deathly afraid of cops.

Ben:Well, mo' money, mo' problems. That's what I always say. How about mo money, more protective Kevlar vests that save lives? (STAMMERING) Sometimes, I say that, too.

Ben · Leslie:May I say that the boys in blue... Don't. Stop. ...are heroes. Obviously, some more than others. Oh, boy. Here it comes. 9l11. And we're walking.

Ben · Dave:Oh, you mean the whiz palace. Yes, Leslie calls it that sometimes. I know. It's kind of cute, right? Yeah, that's real cute.

Ben:Whizzingham Manor. That's another funny name for the bathroom that I thought of.

Dave · Ben:That information is... It's not pertinent, frankly, at this juncture. I just said to you one thing. And you're contriring me. I don't think that's a word.

Ben · Dave:What are you doing? I'm doing that. Are you serious? You brought it on yourself.

Dave · Ben:Pretty sweet sauce in there, eh, Ace? What's wrong with you? I don't know.

Leslie · Ben:You're not waiting. No. It feels like you're being overly respectful of all these cops, and you're letting them go in all in front of you. No, no, no. I'm just standing here.

Ben · Leslie:What did you just say? Nothing. Keep up the good work. You're doing great. [Chuckles]

Ben:I told her sorry. I don't talk politics after dinner.

Jennifer · Leslie · Ben:Do you know Joe Biden? Oh, mm-hmm. He's on my celebrity sex list. Well, he is my celebrity sex list. Oh, trust me. You can do better than Joe. [Laughing] Oh, no. I don't-- I don't think I can.

Ben:Do you wish I were taller or-- what's going on?

Leslie · Ben:He's making out with some floozy in Majorca. Sorry, I wish I was better at this. Then you could be making out with some floozy in Majorca.

Ben · Leslie:Or maybe she thinks that we think that she thinks that, so we won't do it. But she knows that I know that she knows that-- She's in our heads.

Leslie · Ben:Leslie's fashion show while Ben tries to prep her for interview

Ben:Are you hitting on Leslie... for me?

Ben:Maybe we should all just drink sensible portions of milk

Ben:She got the perfect puppy for that shot. She is good.

Ben · Leslie:Is that a pig? Yes, that is a pig.

Ben:And that's a dog biscuit. Andy put them on the table because he wanted to try to have the dogs play poker.

Ben · Leslie:Do you think Barack and Michelle Obama feel like this at the end of the day? So, am I Michelle?

Ben:I will not let you return to a life of shaving wieners and dodging knife attacks from meth heads.

Ben · Leslie:Money doesn't just appear... Shh! Stop talking. I have half an idea and I'm putting it together.

Ben · Ron:This just says, 'I can do what I want.' I am the director of the Parks Department and this is a park.

April · Ben:Were you talking to my butt? Yes.

Leslie · Ben:Does anybody feel like they can't breathe? I think I need some fresh air. We're outside.

Ben:I thought you'd enjoy meeting numbers 4 and 26 on Leslie's List of Amazing Women.

Ben:"Box 1 of 12"?

Ben:definitely no Papyrus

Ben:they call me Devo, 'cause I can "whip 'em good."

Ben:13's just obnoxious.

Ben:what's up, my male? You grab a slice of 'za, brah.

Ben:We should lock down some tight disc grabs, am I right, ell-bones?

Ben:Someone please tell me we kodaked that moment.

Ben · April:All right, April, what's the score? 1,000 to 7.

Ben:Ell-bow. Ell-chupacabra. Drinkin' coffee.

Ben:it's from 40 years ago. Never mind.

Ellis · Ben:Hey, man, I didn't draw it. Your daughter did. What? Her. April's not my daughter. She's my friend.

April · Ben:12%. 15. For God's sake, I'm asking for 15% effort. It's not supposed to be a negotiation.

Ben:I... finished it last week.

Ben:We'll jam out to some sweet tunage.

April · Ben:Actually, no. I don't want to go any more. / Just kidding. / We're not going. / Road trip! / So we're going? / Yes!

Ben:She's like the little sister I never had. Because the little sister I do have is normal and not terrifying.

Ben · April:Why aren't we moving? / Because. Other cars.

Ben:Well, uh, I kind of look at it like it's your favorite directors making a mix tape just for you.

Ben:Don't judge me.

Ben:Data had never felt this way before. Of course, data had never felt anything before. But Captain Picard couldn't help but note the smile that crept over his mechanical but lifelike face.

Leslie · Ben:2020... Uh... that's a stretch. Fine. 2024.

Leslie · Ben:I'll take the West Wing. You take the East Wing. You can be the first gentleman.

Ben:So just call me Bond, municipal bond.

Ben:Yeah, that joke killed at the accounting firm.

Ben:Your mission statement made sense, and you didn't use one R. Kelly lyric.

Ben:It seems like the kind of place a ska band would go to shoot heroin.

Ben:If it was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.

Ben:Well, formulas are my formula for moolah.

Ben:I mean, other than the stability and the health plan and the above-average pay. Oh, God, this better work out.

Tom · Ben:Did I do basketball? Kind of.

Ben:This could really only go poorly.

Ben:I told you you can pivot, not that you can only pivot.

Tom · Ben:Can I borrow $1,500? You're not allowed to ask what it's for. Fireworks.

Ben · April · Andy:Babe, you look super hot. You realize you've said that about all of them? Well, she has, every single time. 'Cause she is super hot. Honestly, you'd look hot naked.

Ben:I have voided more than Tom's body weight in the last 12 hours alone.

Ben:The calzones... betrayed me? Never again, guys. As God as my witness, they're dead to me.

Ben:Thanks, JJ. You're the best.

Ben · Leslie:That's beautiful. Did the Dalai Lama say that?

Ben:people could bid to put their names on everything in the park, like benches, cobblestones, trees, ants, air

Ben · Jerry · Tom:Should someone stop Jerry? / Gayle! / Eh, he'll figure it out eventually.

Ben:Fair point. I did cry last time.

Ben:We don't know where Jerry is.

Ben:Let's get married... Tonight.

Leslie · Ben:Let's get married. Tonight.

Leslie · Ben:And your parents aren't here. - Good. Yeah, that makes it better.

Leslie · Ben:And we just ordered 200 white-chocolate top hats. - We did? - You did, actually.

Ben:or July 57th

Leslie · Ben:You're either in or your out, buddy. It was my idea, I'm totally in.

Leslie · Ben:We can't look at each other! Well, you are aware that we've seen each other several times today.

Ben:I really want you to take my last name... that Leslie Knope disappears and becomes Leslie Wyatt. Or Councilwoman Mrs. Ben Wyatt.

Leslie · Ben:Wait, are you messing with me? - Sorry, I had to give it a shot.

Ben · Leslie:Wait. Where do I go? Run!

Ben · Andy:- Turtledove. - There's your butt.

Ben:It's a toe ring with a brown gemstone? Is this a ruby that's gone bad?

Ben:I lived in villages with eight people

Ben:this whole time, I was just wandering around, everywhere, just looking for you.

Ben:Chris can be very... Paternal.

Leslie · Ben:We saw the bus stop where a young Barack Obama used to sit and wait for the bus. - Theoretically. - It's possible.

Leslie · Ben:Then we went and visited Honolulu City Hall... Well, it looked amazing, but it was closed.

Ben:Running the new Sweetums Foundation charity allows me to do that and work in an office with more mahogany wood than currently remains in the Amazon rain forest. So, win-win. Except for the rain forest.

Ben · Jessica:Yeah, there's even a rumor going around that the chocolate is made of rat parts. Well... You know what they say about rumors. - Yeah. - They're mostly true.

Ben · Jessica:Including the rat thing? - Yeah. What are you gonna do? It's where all the flavor comes from.

Ben · April:You came down here to pass on helping me? Yeah, I wanted to see what your face looked like when I said no. It was totally worth it.

Tom · Ben:It's called the Clean Sheet Foundation. They provide legal assistance to the KKK. This is your pick? Yeah. Can you pass the bonbons?

Ben · Tom:Tom, do you have to run that right now? Oh, no, Ben! These smoothies will just blend themselves!

Ben:Okay, smashing your phone won't stop hacking. That's also my phone.

Andy · Ben:Well, let me tell you something else that's interesting, Ben. What? I farted five minutes ago. Didn't even smell it till just now. That's how tight my pants are.

Tom · Ben · April:Then who is it? Well, he is, uh, sitting right here in this courtyard. That guy? Do you even know him? Oh, my God, Andy, it's you.

Ben:I think I'm giving birth. Is that possible? No, right?

Ben:Oh, God! It's twins!

Ben:Do you have any idea how beautiful you are? I'm serious. You're like a flower. Or, no, like a snug-bug or like a snugger-doodle or something like that.

Ben:I feel like I never gave Miles Davis proper shrift. Like, I just didn't get into it.

Ben:Fred the Sled? They only bring him out for special occasions.

Ben · Leslie:I'm feeding your eagle. He's starving. / It's--it's bronze, babe.

Ben · Leslie:One time, our boat almost tipped over, but then it didn't. / That's not a great story.

Local · Ben:Hey, lake's not a garbage can, pal. / Yeah, sorry, it was symbolic.

Ben:'Talk Like A Pittsburgh Pirate day,' which, why and how?

Ben:This calendar was last year's Calendar Day present celebrating the first time she ever bought me a calendar.

Ben:"I'm sorry, honey. I love you."

Ben:"This is why we don't hang out."

Ben · Ann:You're 'Future Mrs. Tiger Woods'? / I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change it.

Ben:It's like being smothered with a hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories.

Ben · Roz:Get in line. / Who are you? / I'm Roz. I'm Leslie's mailwoman, and I need to get her a Mail Day present by next Wednesday.

Ben:Just burn it and bury the ashes and pray it doesn't haunt you.

Leslie · Ben:Oh, my God. You're both dying. / No, no.

Leslie · Ben · Ann:What about Ann Month and Ben Month? / How about a week? / Fine.

Leslie · Ben:Oh, don't open that. There's pictures in there. Oh! There are pictures. There are lots of pictures.

Leslie · Ben:Mac and cheese pizza? You're making that? [Gasps]

Ben:Like, does she think Jerry is a friendly hat?

Andy · Ben:I am? You drove here. Nah, it's too late, bro. I already ordered the water. I don't know what you want me to do.

Ben:And somehow I just ended up becoming the designated driver. And paying for everyone. And I didn't get to choose the bar. I should be more assertive.

Ben:Pawnee is no longer the fourth most obese city in America. We're now ninth.

Ben · Leslie:When we went to Hawaii, you woke me up at 3:00 A.M. to watch Meet the Press. / Well, it was Elizabeth Warren. Like, I'm not going to watch that live?

Leslie · Ben:Do you like apples? We just watched this movie two nights ago, so-- Do you like apples? I don't wanna do this. How about them apples?

Ben · Ingrid:Uh, you filled the public pools with bottled water? Total body hydration.

Ingrid · Ben:We purchased HBO for the whole town. I'm sorry. You spent government money on a TV subscription? It's not TV.

Ben · Chris:Like a majestic alley-oop. You're all amazing! You're all fired. Teamwork.

Ben · Chris:we were always just beat at the end of the day. I actually think it's something else.

Ben · Ron:What are these weird symbols? The man who kills me will know.

Ben:I mean, obviously, accountants are a little more bad boy, but, uh, there's a respect there.

Ben:I've been talking to Ron about estate planning, and he is here to do some 'Good Will Hunting.' Because he has to draw up a new will, so--

Ben:Oh, come on, Trevor. Where there's a 'Will,' there's a way.

Trevor · Ben:I'm gonna say this one last time, Wyatt. Check the accountant crap at the door. Yes, sir, I will. Unintentional.

Ben · Ron:Oh, you're joking. Yes, son, I am. First joke ever. Don't care for it.

Ben:Wow, 5 whole percent. So, I guess you are gonna teach them a lesson. Oh, my God, that's 5%? That is a lot of money.

Ben · Ron:Ron, I'm-- I'm incredibly flattered. Ralph Piatkowski and his wife Helen. He's the Maitre D' at Mulligan's Steakhouse, and he knows me better than anyone.

Ben:I'm so sorry. I just get excited when you like me.

Leslie · Ben:Give me those votes. / I don't have them on me.

Ben:I could be one of those dudes that kisses mannequins or whatever. But I like a woman in skates. A lot.

Ben · Leslie:He's got Monster, but not Automatic for the People. / Wow. / I know. It's like, what is this, a mid-'90s party?

Ben:She is filibustering on roller skates? / She's going to be strapped into those things for hours. / I swear to God, this is like a crazy sex fantasy for me.

Leslie · Ben:How long have I been talking? Three hours? / No, eight minutes.

Ben:This is literally the most exciting thing that I have ever seen.

Ben:Well, maybe the birthday party she's throwing for me right now.

Ben:Once she starts thinking about birthday cake, she's basically useless until she eats birthday cake.

Eagletonian · Ben:We want someone from Eagleton to represent our interests on the new City Council. / Sir, I formally revoke our hug.

Ben:She's dancing around like she's a character in one of those Peanuts cartoons.

Ben:She didn't have time to hug me, but she could do that?

Leslie · Ben:Maybe I should put those roller skates back on. / Well, you must be exhausted. We don't have to go to the party. / Oh, we're not going to the party. We're going home. / Then, why would you need to put on roller skates? / Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're just... Just. Skates.

Ben:A poster announcing the new Lilith Fair concert. It's fake, but it'll buy us an hour.

Larry · Ben:♪ I got-a the pizza, pizza time, it's-a pizza time! / Larry, everyone is miserable, and you are only making it worse.

Leslie · Everyone · Ben:And you know what I think it needs, actually, is a papier-mâché li'l Sebastian! [Beat of silence] What? / Oh! / I'm gonna go fall asleep on a bench.

Ben:I was impeached when I was 18, and it was brutal.

Ben · Leslie:Oh, God, did I peak when I was 18? / There it is. / Drink up.

Ben · Pawnshop Owner:Do you have anything to numb the pain? / Sure, take a scoop out of the pill bucket.

Leslie · Ben:Good-bye, world traveler. / Later, bro Heisen.

Ben · Ann:Don't let her get a tattoo. / What the hell happened? / I couldn't help it. She's so cute when she's coming up with destructive ideas.

Ben:She's never down for that long. And now that she's had a little time to recharge, she is like a toddler bouncing back from a nap.

Ben:Presenting 'The Cones of Dunshire,' a brand-new gaming experience. 8 to 12 players.

Ben:Two wizards, a Maverick, the arbiter, two warriors, a corporal, and a ledgerman. Now, the ledgerman just keeps score, and he wears this hat.

Ben:Ben's stream-of-consciousness explanation getting increasingly convoluted about challenge plays, trivia cards, roadblocks, and rolling dice to see how many dice to roll

Ben:Are the cones a metaphor? Well, yes and no.

Ben:Oh, my God, the Maverick should be able to trade lumber for agriculture credits. How have I not thought of this before?

Ben:This is nothing, right? When do you go back to work again? Tomorrow. It's fine. I'll just throw this in the garbage.

Ben:If I'm murdered tonight, start the investigation with those two guys.

Ben · Coworkers:What if we dissolve the trust? Yes! You just cracked the case. I'm just doing my job.

Ben:Wait a second. That's not pizza. Those are calzones! I love calzones!

Ben · Coworkers:Wait a second. That's not pizza. Those are calzones! I love calzones! We know!

Ben:Jamm is gonna be so pissed when he finds out that you're leaving and your I.O.U.s are worthless.

Ben · Chris:Is this for realskis? This is 100% certified for realskis.

Ben:You can play with one warrior, but it's just not nearly as good. Enjoy. Ben Wyatt.

Ben:Unpasteurized cheese smuggling and What's that mean? I don't care

Ben:Everyone is the best. We're cutting vacation time. Let's eat vitamins. This is exhausting

Ben:Are you trying to bribe us? No! Oh, God. I surrender

Ben:Ben's elaborate fake kidnapping prank plan with divers and squibs

Ben:There's nothing wrong with acknowledging the fantastic work of one of your employees, especially if she's adorable.

Leslie · Ben:And we finish each other's... Sentences! We rehearsed that at home. Naked in bed.

Leslie · Ben:What! What!

Ben · Leslie:I think I'm in love with you. Oh, my God, that's great news, 'cause I'm in love with you too.

Leslie · Ben:Group hug! Little G.H. Bring it in.

Leslie · Ben:I think our love made him angry. I think he broke my wrist. I'm not kidding. Really?

Ben:By 'rules of conduct,' do you mean that wooden sign you made that says, 'Peas be kind to others'?

Ben:Like we only talk about work stuff when we're at city hall, like a firewall system.

Ben · Leslie:What? There's no such thing. Yes, there is. I made it for you last night.

Ben:Bank! Private property. Firewall restored! Ha-ha-ha!

Ben:I feel like I'm arguing with the sun.

Ben:This is 'un-charded' territory for us.

Leslie · Ben:I can't because my legs are numb. Yeah, I can't move. Are we gonna die here?

Ben:This town is full of lunatics.

Leslie · Ben:Oh, my God, this was a terrible idea. Yeah, it's like a tree barfed in my mouth.

Tom · Ben · Jerry:Hey, that box has my name on it. Hey, this one has my name on it. This one has plates' name on it.

Ben:I also shook his hand. Twice. Anything more than that would be excessive.

Ben · Leslie:There's also a sign that says 'Especially Leslie Knope.' Well, Leslie Knope is a very common name. There's a professor in Copenhagen named Leslie Knope. They probably mean him. Do they mean the professor? Yeah, there's a picture of you also.

Ben · Leslie:You wrote this, didn't you? - I did. - They cut it way down. - Thank God.

Ben:She will make that stupid face!

Ben:Like, was it a hypnosis accident or something, where they put Gayle under and made her fall in love with Larry and never said the magic word to snap her out of it?

Ben:Just thinking about the new Star Wars sequel. I'm afraid they're gonna rely too heavily on CGI. And I'm carrying it all in my shoulders.

Ben:Larry, would you like to get a couples massage with me?

Ben:I watched Enchanted three times to get all the details right. And then another two times, because that movie is amazing.

Ben:Good sir, tally ho. God, that... from the movie! That is definitely from the movie.

Leslie · Ben:When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. Yes. No. Yes. No!

Leslie · Ben:Our starship is in trouble. Okay, Leslie, listen. If you're not... if you don't know what you're talking about...

Ben:Also, I'm your boss.

Ben:Restaurants were ranked number one in Accounting Magazine's 'Riskiest Businesses' issue. That was their last issue before they folded, actually. Magazines are also very risky.

Ben · Tom:You're 52 years old! No, I'm not.

Ben · Tom:You would be the middleman between dry cleaners and the companies that sell chemicals... to dry cleaners. Wow! Right? You're right, man. That is not sexy.

Ben · Tom:We buy tetrachloroethylene at $1.60 a gallon, but we sell it back at 2.38 a gallon. This is so boring! This is like listening to a TED talk by the color beige.

Ben:Leslie, I told you, I'm not gonna participate in your weird Julia Roberts, cameraman husband fantasy.

Ben:The current leader is 'Pawnee, welcome to Douche nation.'

Ben:But I'm starting to get kind of turned on imagining you as a dictator, is that bad?

Ben:Look what they did to Peebo. He's wearing a hat made of penises.

Ben:Then I'm sure you are okay with the fact that they installed the sign the wrong way and it's welcoming you to Pawnee as you're leaving.

Ben:Leslie, I love you, very much. But this is the stupidest thing you've ever said.

Ben:And frankly, I don't care who knows that I said that, as long as no one knows that I said that.

Ben:It costs extra to have people inside the tents? And what's a flap tax?

Ben:Yeah. Yeah, it was loud. Smells like a hippopotamus took a dump on a skunk.

Ben:He is a good friend and a fine man with an inexplicably gorgeous wife-- I mean, to the point where it makes no sense at all.

Ben:O, captain, my captain.

Leslie · Ben:God! Sorry! Sorry! What's happening? I can't hear! And I'm dying!

Leslie · Ben:Will you go to prom with me? Well, this just keeps getting weirder.

Ben:Well, I thought you'd never ask, because we're nearing 40.

Tom · Ben:Aw, did you want to DJ, little puppy? I didn't know that little puppies could operate an iPod with their little puppy paws.

Ben:I had a show called 'Zoot Suit Wyatt' on Carleton College radio. Tuesdays from 3:00 to 5:00 A.M., I was the king of swing.

Ben:What is happening right now?

Ben:I hope that high school auditorium's big enough, 'cause I'm bringing 10,000 maniacs.

Ben:How am I supposed to keep my Husker Du albums in near-mint condish?

High schooler · Ben:The stuff you're playing is so old, it's probably trinking on grizzledump. Hey, what's grizzledump? And why is trinking on it bad?

Ben:Sorry. Tried to use slang. That just came out.

Ben:My life is over. I'm officially old and uncool. Might as well start wearing a plaid shirt and a tie and khakis and whatever shoes you're wearing.

Ben:How else do you explain their terrible haircuts?

Ben:Yeah. You're old as shit.

Ben:Ben's wine knowledge: "I studied botany for three years at Purdue University. Go, Boilermakers!"

Ben · Ron:Ron's terrible counseling feedback: "You are a wonderful guy, and I admire many things about you. But you're a terrible person to discuss personal problems with"

Ben:Ben's wine origin: "This comes from your mother's butt. Possibly your father's butt. Oh, actually, wait, never mind, this is so embarrassing. This comes from John McEnroe's butt from the year 3055"

Ben:Ben's drunk phone call: "it's your me. It's wife. It's Leslie. Knope"

Ben:"It's as dead as Stanley Kubrick. I miss them both so much, Ron"

Ben · Ron Dunn:Ben's spirit animal skepticism vs. revelation: "Because it doesn't exist because that's nonsense because you're an adult" then "Baby snow owl"

Ben:Ben's honest reaction: "Yeah, I don't feel any better. I'm still angry. Damn it"

Ben:The baby has two bodies?

Ben:how-- what do we do?

Ben:All right, all right. All right.

Ben:I just multiplied all our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot higher.

Ben:I think I heard the computer laugh at me.

Ben:Leslie is already the queen of stress, so I have to be like her stress shamwow. I wrap myself around her, I soak up all of her stress, and then after the kids are born, someone can squeeze me out into a bucket.

Ben:Just think about all their great songs, covering everything from the culture of Southern California to drug use in Southern California.

Ben:Why would you erase the signatures?

Ben:No idea.

Ben:we're more like Dayton. But with your help, we can become Toledo.

Ben:What? Why didn't you lead with that?

Ben:Every time someone in Pawnee clicks through a slideshow of American Music Award red carpet sideboob fails, they'll say, 'Thank you, Ben Wyatt.'

Ben:There can't be an alchemist of the Hinterlands. The Hinterlands is a shadow kingdom that can only sustain a provost or a denier.

Andy · Ben:Yeah, man! We did it! This whole company is ours! / Oh, no, it's not. That's mine. That's mine. It's all mine.

Ben:I mean, people are playing with my cones, babe.

Ben · Leslie:So, what does your gut tell you? / I'm never gonna be able to decide. I'm gonna be paralyzed by hypotheticals until I die here, in this minivan! At the San Francisco airport.

Ben:What? Larry's great.

Andy · Ben:They give tours. Yeah. That's exactly how they'll be expecting me to try to break in.

Ben:In fact, a lot of people go to the library just to order pizza online.

Ben:Sure, obviously, we're no Akron. I mean, we're more like Dayton. But with your help, we can become Toledo.

Ben:What? Why didn't you lead with that?

Ben:Every time someone in Pawnee clicks through a slideshow of American Music Award red carpet sideboob fails, they'll say, 'Thank you, Ben Wyatt.'

Ben:There can't be an alchemist of the Hinterlands. The Hinterlands is a shadow kingdom that can only sustain a provost or a denier.

Ben:Neither. I'm the maverick.

Ben:You forgot about the essence of the game. It's about the cones.

Ben:I move my abbot to the ocean hex, which moves my brinksman to the devil's lair, and pushes my farmer, yes, my humble farmer, directly into the central cone.

Ben · Leslie:These are the redwoods George Lucas used to create the forest moon of Endor. Sorry, that's not why we're here. Let's go.

Barney · Ben:Come work for us at the accounting firm? Okay. No, sorry, I can't. Wow. Shortest one yet.

Andy · Ben:Ben, how many bags of marshmallows do I give them? None. Just let April do everything.

Ben:It's my biggest project since Ice Town, so it really means a lot that I'm being recognized as a city leader instead of being yelled at and pelted with things.

Ben:Wait. You don't think this is all an elaborate setup to pelt me with things, do you?

Ben:And thank you to the Boys and Girls Club for the incredibly life-like papier-mâché statue.

Leslie · Ben:In the words of Jason Bourne, 'This is where it started for me. This is where it ends.' / You know, I still think Kevin James was a weird choice for the reboot.

Ben:I got it from context.

Ron · Terry · Ben:Terry, what's Leslie up to? She is trying to find a historical reason to earmark the land for preservation. Terry, come on, man

Craig · Ben:Notary publics can trace our origin all the way back to ancient Rome. No way. Calvin Coolidge was a notary.

Ben:Because I've died somehow and now I'm a ghost living in purgatory until I complete my unfinished business.

Ben:I'll let you rename the triplets Ruth, Bader, and Ginsburg.

Ben:This has gone too far, and you are not leaving this office until you've made peace.

Leslie · Ben:Forget it. It's impossible. It's not gonna work in a million years. It's pointless. I give up. / Good attitude, honey.

Leslie · Ben:Whoa! 'Open your door'?

Ben:It includes such hits as: 'First Trip to the Dentist,' 'Sonia Tries Pizza,' and 'Waterpark Vomit Chain Reaction.'

Leslie · Ben:Yes, hello, I'm Darlene Johannsen, and this is my assistant-turned-lover, Gregory Strong. Ours is a new romance, but one that sent shockwaves through my architecture firm.